KSK Off-Topic: F—k You, Group Dinners
I’d like to take a time out from the continuing horror that is life without football to issue the following FKS-style rant.
I FUCKING HATE GROUP DINNERS.
Let me tell you something. There is no way to enter into a group dinner without somehow managing to get completely fucked. Take it from someone who knows. Group dinners are usually arranged by a female, usually a friend of some girl you’re trying to nail. And that friend will pick a restaurant without any fucking regard as to where you live or what your salary is. “Oooh, there’s a hot new restaurant on Ellis Island that only serves caviar and Kobe beef! Let’s go there!”
The restaurant will be loud. You won’t be able to hear a goddamn thing. And you will be seated, invariably, next to most socially awkward people at the table. You’ll crane your neck to look down the table, seeing the people at the other end engaged in a compelling conversation. Meanwhile, you’re stuck with some asshole who’s talking about the repairs he’s making to his fucking house. I’m 31 now. People my age talk about their fucking houses ALL THE GODDAMN TIME.
“Well, when we moved in, the basement was just a wreck! So we wanted to install carpet and maybe add a sectional. But then the contractor had to rip out all this mold! And you wouldn’t believe how much the plumber wanted to charge to install a half-bathroom! There’s also been a history of flooding down there, you know…”
DIE.
The only thing worse than people talking about their kids, or their jobs, is them talking about their fucking houses. I don’t give a fuck about your house. It’s just another fucking house like every other house. It’s got a bed, a kitchen, a TV, and your stash of child porn hidden in the attic. BOTTLE IT, FUCKO.
The worst part of a group dinner is that I can’t order my own shit. No, they gotta order apps “for the whole table”. Did I want artichoke dip? No, I did not. Artichoke dip is fucking horrible. One time I went to a group dinner and the “host” ordered apps and entrees for everyone WITHOUT FUCKING ASKING ANYONE WHAT THEY WANTED. Hey cockhead, did I ask for stewed chickpeas? Take this and shove it up your gaping asshole.
Ever have to go to a group dinner at a tapas restaurant? It’s agony. You order a shrimp app, and they bring out 5 shrimp for a fucking table of 8. I’ve gone to tapas restaurants, plunked down $45, and taken a grand total of five bites. Hey Spain, if you want to starve to death, you go right ahead. The rest of us like fucking eating more than a pea for dinner. You bullfighting queers. Mata-WHORES.
The disparity in consumption also outrages me. I order a $5 beer. The jackass across the way orders a fucking $17 appletini. Or some bitch always ALWAYS orders a pitcher of sangria. If there’s white sangria on the menu for $10 more, they’ll order that. They’ll order it “for the table”. Ever pour a pitcher of anything for eight people? You get three milliliters of fluid. FUCK YOUR FRUITY WINE DRINK.
If everyone’s having just entrees, some moron will always fuck it up by ordering an app, thus driving up the tab AND making the rest of the table wait longer for the goddamn food. If I order a $15 entrée, someone else will invariably order the Chateaubriand with foie gras. No one wants to stick around for dessert, but some idiot will always pipe up, “Ooh! I just HAVE to look at the dessert menu!”
And once the tab arrives, it’s automatically assumed that the tab be SPLIT EQUALLY. Hey host lady. You see those seven daiquiris on the tab? Those are your problem. I’m not paying for that shit. Yet if I bitch about this, I’m somehow a cheap asshole. What the fuck?
Worst of all, when the tab arrives, someone ends up having to do the math to figure out how much everyone owes plus tip. Only they have to make sure Jimmy only pays for his drinks, because he showed up late and didn’t eat anything. Then that person’s gotta explain it all to the waiter, only the waiter is nowhere to be found, so they have to explain it to the busboy, who only speaks a rare Peruvian dialect.
And guess who always gets stuck with this task?
And for you people who like to order coffee at the end of a meal: EAT A PILE OF SHIT. It’s 10PM. What the fuck do you need coffee for? Order a straight bourbon like the rest of the civilized world. When I go to a group dinner, I am ALWAYS the first person to stand up, as a way of signaling to people that it’s time to end the meal. Otherwise, people just sit there for time eternal. God dammit.
No more group dinners, people. Okay? If you want to eat in large groups, throw a Bar Mitzvah. Otherwise, we’re all going to Super Chicken. Pay at the register for your own crap. Shithead.
Group dinners are worse than the Holocaust.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, don't get me started on wine, rants, writing angry is fun
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July 8th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Well played. I’ve been to more of these since I’ve been than I care to admit. It’s how married people convince themselves they still know how to have a good time even though we’re really, clinically dead.
Don’t forget the suggestion, usually by a female, to order “a bunch of things and we’ll all share them”.
Bullshit. This isn’t kindergarten. It’s dinner. You order your own food and I’ll order mine and I’ll thank you to keep your fucking hands off of my dish.
July 8th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
I had this exact same conversation with my girlfriend on Sunday night. You left no point uncovered. Well done.
Rot in hell, bitch who talks as loud as possible about nothing but herself while drinking and eating twice as much as everyone else then demanding the bill be split evenly.
July 8th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
that’s quality.
at least holocaust diners didn’t have to wonder whether or not gratuity is included for parties of 8 or more.
July 8th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Bullshit. This isn’t kindergarten. It’s dinner. You order your own food and I’ll order mine and I’ll thank you to keep your fucking hands off of my dish.
sharing food is for fucking communists.
July 8th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Separate checks FTW.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
No, worse than people talking about their kids or their houses is when they talk about the schools, which combines the dullness of their kids PLUS their houses and MULTIPLIES it. Makes me want to shoot myself in the head every time.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
As someone who paid $40 this weekend for a burger and beer, yeah fuck group dinners.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
I HATE the fuckers at group dinners who never calculate their own booze costs properly. This accounts for 90% of the times when you count up the cash and it’s short on the tip at the end of a group dinner, and it’s like pulling teeth to find out who ordered the lame-ass fruity drink that no one will fess up to.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
The worst is when the restaurant won’t split checks, so you either have to have everyone with enough cash to cover the bill, or someone sticks it all on a card and everyone promises to pay them back at some point. Guys are usually good about getting a round or two at the bar or buying drunk food when it’s 3am and White Castle sounds like a good idea, but chicks? Fuckin’ chicks, man. I don’t think I’ve ever picked up the tab for a girl and had it repaid in full in booze, food, or BJs (the three acceptable forms of currency other than cash).
And yeah, I don’t need to go to every hip place that has some weird ass food that comes in a portion so small I’ll be hungry again immediately after the meal. And if I’m giving you the staredown, it’s time to fucking leave.
/rant.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Don’t forget the asshole you get sat next to that likes to complain about his job. Because nobody else in the world hates their job, right?
July 8th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
They’re not so fun from the restaurant’s point of view, either.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
a-fucking-men. Even worse than people talking about their house, people talking about their fucking lawn. You can’t eat it, smoke it, or fuck it so I don’t care about your lawn.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Ever have to go to a group dinner at a tapas restaurant? It’s agony….Or some bitch always ALWAYS orders a pitcher of sangria. If there’s white sangria on the menu for $10 more, they’ll order that.
Sounds like someone’s been forced to eat at Bar Pilar against their will. Nice to know I’m not the only one.
/3 cheers for anti-artichoke dip solidarity
July 8th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
a-fucking-men. Even worse than people talking about their house, people talking about their fucking lawn. You can’t eat it, smoke it, or fuck it so I don’t care about your fucking lawn.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Amen to every word Drew. Except you forgot the part where some assholes depart early, leaving just enough (if you’re lucky) to cover the menu price of their items, tax and tip be damned.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Ugh, I got stuck at one of these a few months ago for a friends birthday. My stupid ass was late, so I was stuck at the end of the table with his work friends, while all the drinking buddies were at the other end.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
I tip 20%. Inevitably some fuckface thinks “an extra dollar or two” is sufficient for his portion of the bill. So I end up putting in MORE because his cheap-ass can’ fucking tip like an adult human being.
FUCK THAT GUY.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
reading this made me angry. group dinners can get fucked.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
As the guy-who-figures-out-everyone’s-share-of-the-bill, I really fucking hate the asshole who questions my math after I tell him he owes 30 bucks. “But all I had was a 15 dollar dinner and two beers!” Yes, and after tax and tip, you owe 30 bucks. Not fucking twenty plus a couple ones.
I usually show up late and ask for my own check. Waiters hate me, but I’ve been fucked too many times to participate in this shit. Great rant, Balls.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
For the record, the only acceptable lame ass fruity drink, and one I will gladly fess up to every time, is the Ultimate Pina Colada at Cheeseburger in Paradise. That shit is fucking delicious, and boozy as hell.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
I can cosign everything in this except your hatred for artichoke dip. You and people like you make me want to slap a baby. The rest of it is on point, but how dare you lead to a baby getting slapped. Not cool.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Preach on, BDD. Preach on.
The only aspect you left out is the mutated group dinner, where a manageable one turns into the Last Fucking Supper. It’s one thing to know you’re in for a fuckover and be able to prepare for it, it’s another thing when you get blindsided by it, Kimo Slice-style.
Last weekend, I had a friend come into town from L.A. and what started as a dinner for six wound up being dinner for eleven. And yes, I was drinking bottles of Abita and the boring suburban shitheads across from me are getting chilled Petron and Grey Goose martinis. And yes, I got tagged with splitting up the bill and collecting cash. And yes, I got fucked.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
seriously, group lunched/dinners with more than 4 people is a terrible fucking idea.
I might go up to 6 people but they would have to be 6 people I know who wouldn’t fuck the bill and ordering up.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Perfectly covered Drew.
And SonOfSpam, that is the way to do it. I try to roll in at the point where I “don’t want to make things complicated” and I get my own stuff on my own tab. That way I pay for the five High Lifes I drank instead of the $27 rare-Uruguayan-Ass-Berry-tinis some cockknocker is drinking.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Never forget having to run 80 god damn credit cards! Bring cash you useless fucks!
Great read.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Don’t get me started on cheap-ass tippers, CC.
Hey, fucknuts, if you can’t afford to tip 20%, you can’t afford to eat out. Go to a goddamn drive-thru.
Back when I was waiting tables in college, a co-worker of mine had a table tip him $2 on a $40 tab. He chased them outside, threw the wadded-up bills at them and said, “You obviously need this more than me.”
July 8th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Pizza. Ordering pizza with my in-laws will drive a normal person to kill.
I like meat on my pizza. I don’t care what kind of meat or even the amount. Single topping pepperoni? Fine. A few sprinkles of bacon bits? Fine. I just don’t want veggies or fungus. If someone else wants a sausage and mushroom pizza, I’m cool with that as long as I can have my meat-only pizza.
SO WHY THE FUCK DOES EVERYONE WHO CAMPAIGNED FOR THE FUCKING VEGGIE DELIGHT PIZZA GO FUCKING STRAIGHT FOR MY FUCKING SAUSAGE FUCKING PIZZA AS SOON AS IT FUCKING ARRIVES???? NOW WE’RE GONNA BE STUCK WITH A BUNCH OF FUCKING CRAP PIZZA THAT YOU CAN’T EAT CAUSE YOU ARE STUFFED WITH MY PIZZA, ASSHOLES.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
You cheap asshole.
/Yes, I’ll have another daiquiri, thank you.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
@CC: Word, I hate that shit. My best friend is a waitress, so I always tip 20% and that happens to me all the goddamn time. I totally judge people on how well they tip.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
incredibly accurate and cathartic. adding to the misery are the shitty fancy pants guys who actually enjoy group dinners. like the douche bag that recommends a totally hip bar in trendy town, only to find out its actually some dumb chain restaurant.
yes thats right, there is also papparazzi in the dumb mall i used to work at in high school, and in probably 20 other completely boring places. i hope 30 dollar chianti really added to the atmosphere, asspipe. and that dumb blazer and stupid t shirt combo goes well with your stupid god damn asshole face.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
You forgot about the guy who orders 4 apps and 2 entrees for him and his wife/girlfriend along with the two dozen beers/mixed drinks/shots, then, like the 100 previous times, has to leave early, gets his entrees to go, and because the tab isn’t there, isn’t sure how much he owes, so leaves a $20 to cover him AND his wife/girlfriend with a “just let me know if it wasn’t enough and I’ll give you the rest when I see you” statement as he heads out the door. Only you won’t see him again for a year, despite e-mails, text messages and phone calls about how he still owes you $200 for his meal. And when you do see him, it’s “what do you mean? I gave you like $50,000 for a $100 tab.”
And when I broke his nose, I’m the asshole.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Try going to a group dinner with a bunch of graduate students. Welcome to the seventh circle of hell. I was collecting cash after splitting a check and realized some hippie english phd candidate is complaining about how much he owes while COUNTING OUT FUCKING QUARTERS! If you are too broke to afford food, load up on bread, asshole.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
i always tip 20%, because waiters/waitresses are doing a job that I’ve never done nor would ever want to do. Unless they suck and are complete assholes, then they might be lucky to get 10% from me.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
I used to be a polite person and only order a little bit because I didn’t want to run-up the tab. BUT THEN I GOT FUCKED REPEATEDLY. So now, I’m the asshole who has to have the appetizer, the 48 oz. steak, the whiskey-whiskey-coke to start, the imported beers during, and the cognac after… How do you like your comeuppances bitches?
And I think I will have that coffee, otherwise my car and that tree outside are going to meet sooner than I’d like…
July 8th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
@alx, one more reason to hate hippies.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
@ Animal Mother. Things are a little tight right now, but as soon as the deal closes, I’ll get back at you. I really think someone else ordered those apps as well. Actually, I wasn’t even dating Nicole at the time, so I couldn’t have been there.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Getting upset at being forced to pay for other people’s drinks is not cheap. It is smart.
If I take a woman out and offer to pay for dinner, that’s one thing. But don’t tell me I HAVE to pay for food and ESPECIALLY booze for a bunch of people I don’t fucking know.
Drew is 100% correct in his assessment of this hideous practice. You are the asshole.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
People ask me why I either eat alone or with one person. It’s because for every person over 1, the potential for someone to do something fucking stupid increases exponentially.
@Otto Man – 20% is where I start tipping. Service determines whether I round up or down to the nearest dollar. Also, that was in “Waiting…” but if he actually did it, good for him.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
I was stuck in one of these little slices of hell a few weeks ago next to a salesman who pitched his product to me the whole dinner and asked for free legal advice. He then had everyone pay him cash and he put it on his card. I found out last week through a friend that he expensed the whole check. I think I’ll bill him for my time in return.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Damn me and my exquisite math skills, always staying late to help figure out the tab, then bending over and grabbing my ankles because the whole thing is 50 bucks short. Group dinners can eat a bowl of pin-free grenades and rot in Jesse Helms’s gaping anus.
And how about the people next to you who order just vegetarian apps, and you have to eat them because all the good shit’s at the other end of football field-length table? Fuck your veggies, I want meat wrapped in more meat cooked in meat and stuck on a big wooden stick.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Also, group dinners for work. With people who never go out and don’t know how to order food or speak to a waiter or answer when asked if they’d like a refill on their soda. So you have to order for the whole table because apparently you’re the only one whose social skills are still intact. Jesus.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Working on the kitchen line of a pretty popular restaurant in my resort town, I have to agree with most of this. Anytime I see more than four people at table, I always say to my friend, “Who the fuck rolls 13 deep and expects to get quality”.
He sighs and ends up fingering the mashed potatoes with his index finger…that just so happen to be wrapped around his nutsack ten seconds earlier.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
maybe the worse thing about these group dinners is if or when someone breaks out the camera and wants to take picutres. Put away the camera and let me eat before I get fucked and pay for your drinks.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
@ Lil Lebo. Let me know when the deal closes and I’ll let you know what the interest on the $200 comes out to be. Let’s see, 3 points a week, 52 weeks, carry the one, move the decimal, round to the next power, comes out to about $3,000. Cash only.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
@CHL, work group dinners/lunches are the worse.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
We had a birthday party for a few friends a month ago. that was a pitch-in. A friend of one of the party-recepients mentioned that he was a chef and offered to make a few special dishes. “Sure, I think they’d like that”.
So the guy takes over the kitchen during the party, makes 4 dishes that were stacked with extensive ingrediants, and drops a bill in the mail a day later for $150.
I keep the bill on my wall as a reminder to kick his ass the next time I see him.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
@Gallows Gnome – in all fairness, I can’t blame him for that. If you can get away with it, why not? Is it shitty? Yeah. Is it smart? Fuck yeah.
@Animal Mother – I’ve got a few of those outstanding. Can I get you to print off some invoices?
July 8th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
All you need to do is date an actuary/cpa who loves this shit.
“Accidentally” forget about ordering that dirty martini with extra olives and a splash of goat semen? The fuck you did, she’s on it and charging you accordingly asshole.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
@ Upstate Underdog: I HATE those fucks. I mean, what story are you going to have when you see the picture years later? “Remember that time we ate food? Wasn’t that fun?”
July 8th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
I have the answer to all these problems…it’s called the Silk Road Palace
It’s on the Upper West Side. Chinese food meals for 10 bucks. And they serve free boxed Franzia with dinner (and while you wait for your table).
Everyone gets tore up…usually in reasonably timely fashion.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
True story:
I almost went on a date last week with a girl I thought I might like. One question I always ask potential dates is: “What CD or section on your iPod are you listening to right now?” She advised me she was listening to Dave Matthews Band, loved them, and then suggested a Tapas restaurant (yes, assholes we have them here in Indy) for dinner.
I nipped that shit in the bud and told her I don’t think we would get along and cancelled the date.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Group dinners are worse than the Holocaust.
Well la-di-da Jemele Hill
July 8th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
@Uff, Smurph, Otto
If you don’t tip 20%, chances are you’ve never had to work a shit job in your life and I automatically hate you.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
The whole group dinner thing sucks ass – my two cents is when I got stuck with the end of the night calculation at a Mexican restaurant in Palm Springs. Some asshole several orders pitchers of margaritas for entire 14 person group, AND HAS THEM USE PATRON. How stupid do you have to be to tell a waiter to use expensive sipping tequila in pitchers of margaritas, where good ‘ol cheap Jose C. would have been fine for these blended strawberry fag drinks? It was an $850 bill and I got stuck with $150 for two enchiladas, rice, a glass of frozen headache, and the runs all day Sunday. Never again.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
@Mike H. – Silk Road Palace is the tits. I was black-out drunk before I even got my food. And all for free. Except, when I was there in January it was Diamond Lake, not Franzia.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Per last weekend: Fuck group dinners. And special limited edition fuck you to anything associated with the Cheescake Factory.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
this sounds like every group dinnner i’ve ever been to. even down to the first one standing. i had to plan one for a friend’s birthday… i tried to get out of it by hanging myself, but i just busted a nut before i blacked out.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
(really should have proofread that last rant, but just too angry)
July 8th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Any dinner over two is an immediate cluster fuck.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Long ago I decided two things regarding group dinners. 1. Drink Heavily and Expensively. 2. Order steak.
Its fuck or be fucked on the group dinner, and I like to fuck.
Also, I’d rather stay home and fist myself than go to a tappas restaurant. (i decided that last one after being sorely disspapointed by mishearing tappas for topless…. long story).
July 8th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
How about the degenerates that pull the Helen Keller act OR make like their workplace ultimate frisbee conversations are so engrossing right when the chief check math divider person says, “Hey guys. Hey! I need [X amount] more.”
That’s not a f*cking suggestion to comply. Somebody, anybody, anyway send down the extra scratch or I’m plunking down my 2 Andrew Jacksons and leaving you all to do the long division.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Who the fuck are these people that don’t know a 20% tip is mandatory? I see comments on here from people saying ‘well I always tip 20%’. NO SHIT. THAT’S HOW IT FUCKING WORKS. The fact that people even have to say that is infuriating. And why is it that when a small group go out for a close friends birthday it’s so fucking hard for people to realize that the birthday boy/girl doesn’t fucking pay? CHEAP FUCKS! I always have to cover for these assholes.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Also, that was in “Waiting…” but if he actually did it, good for him.
Really? That film had Dane Cook in it, so I never saw it.
It did happen, about fifteen years before that movie. And it was glorious.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
I always take a tip of my own when the money is tossed around the table for the check. No one ever notices and I’m happily compensated for my hours of hearing my brother’s girlfriend talk about her accounting job.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Nothing compares to the date I went on a week after losing my job. I told her some place cheap for drinks, I wasn’t getting unemployment yet. She picked an upscale wine bar and got there 2 glasses and a plate of cheese before me. I got to pick at the leftovers until the bill came, $95. What’s the bitch do? Bathroom break for 10 minutes. Sure I let her blow me later that night but I did not return the favor.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
And why is it that when a small group go out for a close friends birthday it’s so fucking hard for people to realize that the birthday boy/girl doesn’t fucking pay? CHEAP FUCKS! I
I was at a bachelor party in Vegas a couple months ago, and the douchebag divvying up the bill actually tried to make the bachelor pay for his steak. That’s like giving Jesus the tab for the Last Supper.
Fuck you, Judas.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Sure I let her blow me later that night but I did not return the favor.
Trannies can be cruel, can’t they?
July 8th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Brazilian steakhouses are perfect for group dinners. Of course, that’s why you have to drop $40 a meal… but then again you are eating what you pay for.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
The congratulatory knob job still isn’t worth $95. Even if she took the mayo at the end.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
@Otto, had this guy never been to a bachelor party before? Did the fuck also make the bachelor pay for his own lap dances?
July 8th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
What are you talking about?
GROUP DINNERS ARE AWESOME!!!
You get to hear about everyone’s plans and desires. You get to stare at other men’s hot, young wives while they’re still hot and young. There’s usually a bunch of appetizing dinner options that most people are willing to share and distri-
Just kidding. Group dinners fucking suck.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
had to throw my 2 cents in. this article and comment thread are too good to pass up.
Friend of mine who has been living in jolly old for a few years met what can only be described as a wanker while there. Wanker moves to my fucking city and has been here for 3 months whereupon my friend drops in to visit *me.* Wanker finds out he’s coming and all of a sudden we all have to eat together, with all of our spouses/fuck-buddies/ random work acquaintances etc. Now I’ve never met Wanker but I’ve lived in this city for 15 FUCKING YEARS but don’t even get asked where we should go. Wanker knows a hip place, a FUCKING TAPAS place that I’ve been to and know to be the suckiest suck that ever sucked.
We had to wait forever for a table even though Wanker supposedly made reservations, i think this was mostly because of the restaurants illusion of exclusivity. Everything was over-priced. Sangria was ordered copiously when all i wanted was a GODDAM LAGER or 3 and I had to sit next to Wankeress, an insufferable bitch who had been living in the US for 3 months which apparently is long enough to understand Americans completely and know that we are all culture-less human waste.
Normal check snafu follows, but by this point i didn’t even care and wanted the fuck out so i paid twice as much as was required. I called up my buddy the next day and told him to have fun for the rest of the US vacation but that if he ever introduced me to anybody like the Wankers ever again I’d punch him in the dick.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
@Stylist
That’s fucking genius. And the funniest thing I’ve heard all day. Bravo.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
UU,
He wasn’t alone. Two other cheap bastards at the table agreed with him.
Actually, it gets better. They rented out a penthouse suite where eight of them were staying, while me and two other guys decided to splurge for our own room, like grownups, elsewhere in the hotel. After the trip, they sent us an email asking us to pay for a share of the penthouse, in addition to our own hotel room, because “we all hung out there on Saturday afternoon.”
And yes, they all refused to buy him lapdances. But somehow had money for their own.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
@Otto, these guys have some balls on them, not to mention being cheap fucks.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
@Otto: Did you make them turn in their Male cards? That shit is inexcusable.
Just more evidence to support my “All People Who Are Not Me Are Cockfiends” Masters dissertation.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Thanks for the vivid reminder of why, for the most part, I hate people.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
@Otto
That is some serious douchebaggery.
What hotel was this?
July 8th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
@smurphette Black out before being seated. Been there, loved it. Silk Road Palace is where dreams come true.
We call the owner Frank. And the filipino guy who fills the wine ‘Johnny on the spot’. Not their real names.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
I’m 27 and the insufferable talk of housing is already starting in my peer group. Here in Baltimore City, every jackass from the suburbs fancies themself a fucking real estate guru. This talk of the “new hot neighborhoods” dominates conversations at any social function. It makes me want to kill.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
UU, SOS:
We pretty openly mocked them for being cheap fucks after the steakhouse and strip club fiascoes — they were all from Portland, we were all from NYC, so it wasn’t like we’d ever see them again — and then straight-up told them to fuck themselves over the penthouse bill.
I don’t think they ever had Male Cards, SOS. One of them told me he was really busy at the moment because he was in three different kickball leagues.
Yeah, you read that right.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
How do you make the groom buy his own meals and lapdances? That’s just sad. If you can’t afford to treat the groom, don’t have the bachelor party in Vegas. Yeah, it’s great to say it was in Vegas, but they have alcohol, hotel suites and hookers in every city. The point is to get the groom so fucked up he’ll never remember a thing and to have him do things so disgusting that he wouldn’t want to remember anyway.
And yes, if you want to really be low, you can get the groom a tranny hooker in any city too. Or at least a drag queen. FYI, pictures are useful for bartering in the future.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Mandalay. It wasn’t even a penthouse, just a large suite.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Oh, first night, we went to some midscale restaurant, and after we’ve been seated, they look at the menu and say — I swear to God — “Uh-oh, $20 entrees! We better go somewhere else!”
We actually had to leave the fucking restaurant.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
@Otto, Mandalay is sweet, but the House of Blues Founders Club sucked except for the view from the roof. Also, I’m not surprised the d-bags were from New England.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
What a bucket of taints.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
@Otto: Guys in kickball leagues who don’t pay for groom-to-be lapdances. Can smell the vinegar from here. And the Mandalay is WAY overrated. Just get an hourly rate at the Tam O’ Shanter and a crackwhore from North Las Vegas (plentiful) for your entertainment. You’ll save money AND get an STD.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
@Otto, so I’m guessing you guys didn’t go to Del Frisco’s steak house.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
I’m in college, which means I’m always stuck with a bunch of pretentious fucks that want to go to restaurants 90 times more expensive than I could ever afford if I lived to be ninety, which I won’t.
Not only do they possess all the qualities you mentioned, BDD, but invariably, they are always the cheap asses.
Not that I ever split the tab equally. That shit’s for the birds. Everyone pays their own fucking bill. The only problem is, somehow, all these snotnosed little pricks who have never worked a day in their life ALWAYS, and I do mean ALWAYS, turn out to be the most penny-pinching, tight-fisted douchebags.
Listen people … it’s not 1985. It’s no longer acceptable to tip 12% for good service. And guess what? If your food took 45 minutes to get their at a decent restaurant during dinner rush, it’s not the server’s fucking fault. They are fucking busy. Everyone’s busy. Sorry you had to wait an extra 15 minutes for your overpriced shrimp entree that you can’t fucking pronounce.
/rant
July 8th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
I thought I was the only one who ALWAYS gets stuck in the conversational vacuum at the end of the table.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
but hey, thats why i go to olive garden. nothing costs over 15 fuckin dollars. and you still get unlimited breadsticks (delicious) and unlimited salad (also delicious). im not a salad guy, but those olive garden folk really know whats happening
i was at a group dinner the other night and nobody got up to leave like…30 minutes after we paid. seriously, what the fuck? nobody even ordered coffee or dessert or anything, they just talked. i wanted to kill myself.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Yeah, we only did HOB for a hungover breakfast one morning.
Actually spent little time at Mandalay itself. The poker room was small and filled with d-bags, and once I found a table at the Wynn on the first night where I wound up leaving up $700, I never went back.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
@UU
With you 100% on the token photographers. Ever go to one of these group dinners were someone brings a guest from overseas. Holy shit, man, if they’re foreign its fucking picture time, like it or not.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Good rant and all, but I do have two points of contention. When did the word “apps” become acceptable? It sounds like a word that Esero Tuaolo says while butt fucking Brett Farve. And.
@dougery Referring to England as Jolly Old and using the word Wanker repeatedly is also unacceptable. Refer to it as “That America copying and ball sucking monarchy” and “asshole” like the rest of us true blue USA folk do.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
@ Man Bear Pig
You’d figure with the economic boom of the 80s and its glorious portrayal in ‘Wall Street’, 12% would be considered douche bag territory even then.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
Fuck. Yes.
I always used to get stuck in a cluster of young mommies with no conversation other than kids. These days, I get stuck in a cluster of grandmothers who are equally boring. I cannot seem to explain that the DD tits are only for show, I do not have ANY interest in your kids. Or yours. Or yours. On the rare occasions that I DO get to sit next to someone interesting (read as: someone with a dick who wants to talk cars, football, or hardcore politics), some bitch always squeals “Awwww, you can’t sit with all these men!” and fucking changes the goddamn seating arrangement. And I end up down at the girly end of the table, surrounded by a forest of lame-ass drinks in stupid glasses that tip over if you breathe on them, listening to fucking diaper stories. If you are that bitch who drags me away from a pitcher of beer and a deep, meaningful conversation about the 1970 Challenger I had in college, then fuck you.
And if you can’t wrap your head around tipping 20%, do NOT fucking sit at my table. I have publicly humiliated lousy tippers by personally making up the difference and handing it to the waitress myself with an apology for the other cheap-ass dickheads at the table. This is why I hate going out with my in-laws. They tip 12%. To the penny. BEFORE tax, because, you know, they shouldn’t have to tip on meal tax because they didn’t order it. Fuck you. Really.
I’m a bit ambivalent about artichoke dip, though. Can take it or leave it. So I guess I’m not entirely on-board here.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
@Mike H. – Wait, are you serious? Because my friends and I call the wine refill dude “Frank the Tank” (he’s apparently from a small region of Mexico where they don’t speak Spanish but a native dialect – might be the one you’re talking about who looks Filipino).
I wish they would open one here. Sigh.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
Is there some kind of trend where people are getting dragged along to group dinners with people they don’t know or like at all? I don’t know about the rest of you, but I only go out with people I like. Maybe that’s just me…
July 8th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
@ ottoman – that might be the worst bachelor party i’ve ever heard of. that’s what happens when you deal with people from oregon. the entire state is racist and autistic.
@ UU – the foundation room is overrated… and they charge something like $10K a year in membership dues. assholes.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
@DM’s ACL, you must not be married.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
@ognihs, agreed. My friends in-law is a member. that’s how we got in. Like I said I was not impressed.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
@Grimey
Churrascarias FTW. Especially if they’ve got good caipirinhas.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
Ya know what really grinds BDD’s gears?
You people.
Fuck you America.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
Bachelor parties are the ultimate money fuck. I went to one in Connecticut two summers ago for my best friend from college. His high school friend set everything up and he was your typical NE boarding school douchebag. He got one of those party buses with the mirrors and tv and sound system for 12 dudes to go to Mohegan Sun. No strippers, no strip clubs, we got kicked out of two restaurants for drunken shenanigans and the only thing I had to eat was a Krispy Kreme donut. Douchebag comes up to me on the ride home and says he needs a check for $350 for the bus. To ride 2 hours total to a gay ass casino in fucking CT.
July 8th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
@289, worst bachelor party ever!
July 8th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
@289 – I would have told him to eat a dick. But I’m kind of an asshole like that.
July 8th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
@smurphette that’s it. Now I have to go this weekend.
So you’re telling me this guy looks filipino, but he’s really from bush-land Mexico? And he speaks some random language and has no goddam clue what people are saying (slurring drunkenly) to him, and half the time their calling him some elaborate, asinine nickname?
What. A. Legend.
July 8th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
The thing is, I did. But then every one of my friends (who work in finance and come from a shitload of money) got in my face about it. That was almost one weeks pay for me at my last job. Never work at a non-profit. I should have gone through my original plan of jerking off on the bus. There goes your security deposit bitch.
July 8th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Amen. This dumb shit happens less frequently these days. I either avoid the group dinner or only go with people I actually like (or just accept the overpaying fate).
However, I must admit that I’m the bitch who always orders dessert.
July 8th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
the only way do the group dinner is to order like a goddamn maniac. if it’s going to get split equally you may as well go down swinging and spread that shit around to rest of the dumb fucks that couldn’t get out of it either. the ridiculous bill is much easier to swallow when you’re completely hammered.
July 8th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
@Mike H. – Yes, although that might be why his sole task is to refill the wine. Actually, since Spain colonized the Philippines, just like they did Mexico, there are a lot of Filipinos with Spanish-sounding names and they often have features similar to Mexicans, so you weren’t far off. (I’m half Mexican, please excuse the geek out.)
And yes, he’s the most awesome restaurant employee I have ever encountered.
July 8th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
Men are not the only ones who sit there shaking their heads in agony when this happens. If I invite you to a group dinner, order what you want, we’ll get the tab–beer to 25 dollar martini–I’ll pay not to have to split the check in the end.
The ironic part of this entire saga–which is totally true– is the person who forwarded this to me is the “Ionly ordered one meal and a drink, so I can only put in $XX amount on a $500 bill. If you can’t hang with the big boys, don’t show up!
You forgot the, “oh I can’t eat that, I’m on a diet” then eats everyone’s dessert, or the “I wish I had someone who loves me as much as your husband does” from the chick who is a spare, and you just met 15 minutes ago.
July 8th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Tipping? Fucking Tipping? Listen Drew, I am not an asshole for not tipping. You are a asshole for always tipping and ruining service for the rest of us. I have a simple philosophy: nothing or way too much. The server has to be *on point* to get way too much (like 50%), average service should not get 20fucking%. The whole point is to encourage and reward good service, not subsidize some fuckslut’s or jerkoff’s poor job choice. Water glass empty for more than a couple minutes? no tip. Talk too much?, no tip. Fuck up an order (like bringing flour tortillas EVERYTIME I ask for corn), no tip. And if you think those standards are too high go to a first-generation quality chinese place, you cannot even get the water glass empty before it’s filled and they have ice in the urinals, and they bow when they leave the table; that’s like a 60% tip.
I have needed a job very badly before, I have been poor, but I never have and never will work in food or beverage service. EVERYONE OF YOU WHINY BITCHES THAT HAS WORKED, OR KNOWS SOMEONE, OR FUCKED SOMEONE ONCE THAT WORKED AS A SERVER CAN TAKE YOUR “I KNOW WHAT’S IT’S LIKE TO BE A FUCKING IDIOT WHO CHOSE WORKING AT A RESTAURANT OVER LANDSCAPING OR A TOY STORE, SO YOU HAVE TO TIP OTHERWISE YOUR A BIG MEANY” LOGIC AND WRAP IT AROUND A GARDEN RAKE HANDLE AND WORK IT NICE AND DEEP UP YOUR ASS.
July 8th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
Can I be the first one to tell Mastershakey to go fuck himself?
You’re not only a prick, but Mr. Pink said it all so much better.
July 8th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
Amen Brotha.
Group dinners are the suck.
July 8th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
@ UU – Oh, I’m married. I just don’t like subjecting myself or my husband to non-wedding (or other formal event) situations with a bunch of people neither of us can stand. We restrict that sort of thing to people we can stomach talking to for 2 1/2 hours at a time; if anyone’s there who doesn’t fit the description, we will leave early under false pretenses…
July 8th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
@Mastershakey: I’ve got a tip for you.
It’s on the end of my cock.
July 8th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
@Otto
No, but you can be second. Fuck you Mastershakey. Please have a chance encounter with Handbanana.
July 8th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Hear hear.
Fuck you, Mastershakey. I hope you don’t repeat business at any restaurants, because rest assured … they are spitting in your food, you cheap ass.
“I have needed a job very badly before, I have been poor, but I never have and never will work in food or beverage service.”
You know what that means? YOU HAVEN’T BEEN POOR BEFORE. If you were actually fucking starving, you’d take any job you could get. But chances are that was never a problem for you when you attended “Dumbfuck State” and graduated with a 2.2 GPA before getting a job at your daddy’s law firm.
May you be mounted by a rabid dog. You are lower than rat excrement.
July 8th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
@ Brrrat: In group settings my wife complains that she always has to talk to the wives who seem only capable of talking about children. I tell her its not my fault and agree women are terrible.
July 8th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Okay, WTF is a tapas restaurant? I tried to google, but I kept getting specific restaurants that serve Mediterranean food.
And, as for the group dinners? They can be great – but you have to go with the right people. When I waited tables in grad school, all of us would go out to a big dinner once a year. The great thing is, we all ate average priced dinners and we all drank our asses off. So, we split the bill equally and it worked great.
Plus, we were all waitresses/waiters so the tip was always good for the poor asshole that had to wait on 20 drunk fucks.
July 8th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
Mastershakey may be a douche nozzle, but how many fuckups are too many before you start cutting back his tip?
we had this cockface friday at ruby tuesday’s. wouldn’t talk. would just come up to the table and stand there until we said everything was fine. (which was 6 fucking times) then when our conversation would resume, he’d half turn around and keep hovering there, hoping we were talking about him. what a fucking turd. guess what i tipped him? $4 on $22!! am i getting hosed here, or what?
July 8th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
You’re close, TurleyGirlie. Tapas technically refers to Spanish appetizers, but the term’s used at other restaurants to describe “small plates.” Basically, you order a bunch of little things and share them at the table.
July 8th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
@Mastershakey: I’ve got a tip for you.
It’s on the end of my cock.
But that’s more than 20%.
July 8th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Oh and mastershakey? Fuck. Off.
You can make an ASSLOAD more money waiting tables and bartending than getting minimum wage at a toy store or landscaping.
And? You get to drink. So, suck it.
July 8th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
@Turley Gurley
It is a Spanish-style restaurant that purposely serves miniature portions of food at regular prices under the false pretense that you are noshing on somewhat “gourmet” fare. As a rule, items are extremely overpriced and suppsoed to be shared (all of which leads to a cruelly disappointing experience to the typical KSK reader).
July 8th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
20% tip unless you pretty well fuck up… more if you are great.
Group dinners are awful, with the one exception of Steak Night. Rules of Steak Night.
1. No women (at dinner, meeting strange at the bar afterwards is just dandy)
2. You must order steak
3. Bring cash
You know going in you are putting down at least $45 for a steak, another $50 for drinks and your share of a bottle of wine, plus tax and tip. And you will get shit for fucking up.
Best group dinners ever.
July 8th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Thanks, Drew and Otto. No thanks to the tapas. Keep your fucking paws off my plate.
July 8th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Being an unemployed single guy with no friends never felt better…
/Cracks 9th beer of day
/Rips 5th bong hit
/Jerks off
July 8th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
@Mastershakey
Landscaping is better than serving? Oooooookay. Sweat my ass off in an air conditioned building or sweat my ass off/shave off some part of my hands roofing/heat stroke/permanent George Hamilton tan— doing landscaping?
Go fuck yourself.
July 8th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
@mastershakey
Take your corn tortillas and shove them up your cheap ass
July 8th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
@POD – Amen.
/Unlocks Porsche.
/Drives back to condo downtown.
/Turns on 60″ plasma TV with ridiculously ugly but awesome speaker system
/Takes off pants
/Calls high priced hooker, because it’s cheaper than dating and you always get laid.
Fuckin’ chicks, man.
And @ Lucky Like Little – that sounds fucking awesome. Where do I sign up?
July 8th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
@Stylist Mike
Not to mention, as a former server myself, I can say most of my female coworkers were pretty damn hot, and loved to get drunk.
How many hot landscapers do you know, shakey?
July 8th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Tapas aren’t appetizers and you don’t have to share them. They are just smaller portions. Think of it like how you have to order everything a la carte at a lot of steak places.
July 8th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Drew, in a Friends universe, you would be Rachael.
Oh, fuck you people — you know you get the reference.
July 8th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
BDD, you are a man after my own mind. I’ve been to too many of these fuckstick conferences for both work and friends (and by friends, I mean douchebags).
Somewhat like Otto, I got stuck with the short end of the bill for a bachelor party dinner when 3 people pulled out the “We can’t split the bill?! I only got my credit card” shit. Who the fuck doesn’t carry cash money before a bachelor party knowing full and damn well it’s gonna end up at a strip club?!
So I paid for the meal – $350 tab out of the $550 total because Lord knows everyone had to have their drinks – but I got my revenge. When the call for “let’s get lapdances came around” I went and made sure to point out the ATM locale. Fuckers ended up paying for some damn good college education.
In short, here are the rules:
1. Split the bill in advance. Fuck everyone else.
2. If they won’t split, be on the lookout for the check when it arrives. Get it first, throw your money down (ALWAYS have cash for the meal) and move it on down. Fuck everyone else.
3. Beware the assholes who order salad and water. They’re the first ones to start throwing hints about ordering apps or alcohol — which they fill up on and then throw $10 saying “I only ordered my salad and the water!” Their motto is to fuck everyone else…which means you.
4. Unless a)sex is a possibility or b)it’s Mom, never ever pay for a woman. Fuck everyone else with tits.
5. If you don’t know more than 1 or 2 people of the group, don’t go. You’ll invariably end up next to people you want stuck at Gitmo. Fuck everyone else you don’t know.
6. Or just simply…go to McDonald’s by yourself and know that everyone thinks your a loner, a loser and probably a pedophile. Everyone else fucks you.
July 8th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Only female landscapers I knew had pedophile staches. And also carried around dicks.
July 8th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
@smurphette great intel. thanks.
Also, I’ve often wondered why they still haven’t run a zip-line from The Palace to Brother Jimmy’s across the street.
Make no mistake, Brother Jimmy’s is a douchey bar. And I’ve often found myself in there after silk road drinking a fishbowl – which is doubly douchey drink no matter where you are.
But i think that when you combine the free carafs (sp.) of Franzia, beef and broccoli, the seventeen types of liquor they put in those menacing fishbowls, and maybe tall boys of PBR (if there is time)…
well, it’s kind of money, no?
July 8th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Speaking of tipping (I wasn’t, actually, but whatever), it never hurts to drop a couple bucks on the busboy’s water glass tray when he first shows up at the table. Drink refills/chips/salsa come faster, and it’s good karma…if you ever had that job, it sucks balls, and that guy is probably sending half his “paycheck” to another country.
July 8th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
@Drew – you really let yourself go there on the left. WTF?
Oh and that was funny as shit. MATA-WHORES has been officially added to my vocabulary. Well done.
July 8th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
So pissed im so late to this party
Re: folks talking about Silk Road Palace. I have been there as recently as a month ago. The key is to go on a wednesday, so that immediately after eating/drinking copious amounts of wine, you can head over a block to bourbon street for 50 cent cans of coors light. I do this more frequently than I like to admit.
Also, they stopped letting groups of like, 20 just stand around outside drinking wine. fucking po po
July 8th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
Damn, you’re angry.
July 8th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
I hate these as well. They are almost always arranged by some stupid bitch who will say things like “their food is to die for” or bitch afterwards that ” I’ll need to do more cardio tomorrow”, fuck you and your cardio
July 8th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
@alx: QUARTERS? QUARTERS? ARE YOU FUCKIN’ KIDDING ME? After beating his ass, I would have given him his quarters back so he could wash the blood from his clothes.
What a fuckstick.
July 8th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
the fact that you are forced to eat a group dinner at a tapas bar shows how fucking absurdity of the situation.
July 8th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Tapas? I had to Wiki that shit. WTF? Gayest thing ever. I miss NYC like JFK misses Dallas.
Group dinners? Fuck and no. It’s dinner for 2 or nothing. Fuck the rest of the human race. Oh, I’m 30, and couldn’t be happier that I don’t see my married friends with kids much anymore. Dumb fucks.
I am however a big fan of spinish-artichoke dip. My soon-to-be-ex-wife makes a great dip.
July 8th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Oh, and 20% tip. Minimum. More if she’s hot. They’re making $2.20/hour. If you can’t spare the extra $10 don’t eat out your cheap prick.
That Silk Road place sounds like a place in Long Island my family likes to go to. Same thing. Never-ending carafes of wine? Yes please.
July 8th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
@mike h, smurphette and pemulis: there really isn’t anything like the silk road palace. even though i have seen the spouts being ripped off the boxes of wine for more effective pouring i am still convinced there is an old chinese woman with a vat of shitty white wine that she is mixing opium into. that shit puts you into a coma. not immediately, but once you sleep, you go down hard for about 5 hours before you wake up in a place you don’t recognize or remember getting to even if it’s your apartment. pretty sure last time i went there i ended up raped.
all of my wine glasses and carafes were stolen from silk road. in fact, it’s about the only way i would end up with carafes in my kitchen otherwise. or wine glasses.
it’s a dangerous place to go if you went to college in NY cause you will undoubtedly run into someone from college their, and they sucked.
July 8th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
@ Reggie Bush
There is a major flaw with No. 2. Don’t take the check and try to hand it down, people like me will just hand you cash – then you’re stuck collecting from everyone, which means you get fucked.
@SOS
Fuck tipping the busboy, the waiters and bartenders tip them out at the end of the night. I have had that job and it does suck balls, but you play your cards right and you’ll make more than the waiters.
July 8th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
@ pemulis Silk Road on a Wednesday! Who are you? R.Kelly?
Actually, we used to go every Thursday night freshman year. Weekday blacking out warms the soul, and puts a smile on the kids’ faces.
July 8th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
Actually, it gets better. They rented out a penthouse suite where eight of them were staying, while me and two other guys decided to splurge for our own room, like grownups, elsewhere in the hotel. After the trip, they sent us an email asking us to pay for a share of the penthouse, in addition to our own hotel room, because “we all hung out there on Saturday afternoon
@otto: that’s why douchebags who try to live beyond their means should be shot to death after being trampled by the bulls in Pamplona. Muthafuck those cockknockers.
July 8th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
@pemulis and mike h.: i knew people that would go to the road for lunch no joke. i recently met someone who orders from there and didn’t even know that they had free wine. the food isn’t horrible but come on, is it worth it without the free hooch. i have friends who come to town who’s only request is that we go to silk road. not any other site in ny, just straight to the upper west for basically a situation you could recreated pretty much anywhere in the world that sells boxes of wine and has chinese take out (at our laziest in college we would just get a box of wine and order from number one luck sang (now with more pigeon!), equally as devastating).
my friend once was drunk enough to take home a bald dude who admitted to having herpes after a night at the road. decision making at its finest.
July 8th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
great post. One additional note.
If there are 5 or more guys trying to divide up the check someone always gets f#cked.
If it is 3 or more including at least one woman…porked
If it is two women…forgetaboutit
July 8th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
even as someone who’s worked every shit job there is (waiter, bartender, pizza fucking delivery) you can’t deny what a horseshit racket tipping is for employers. They pay slave wages and demand the clientele to make up the difference. Yea the guy who leaves 2 bucks on a 40 dollar tip is a dick, but the bigger one is your boss who hired you for 3 dollars an hour. Misplaced hate.
July 8th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Also, beware of Canadians.
July 8th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
And Philadelphians.
July 8th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
And old people.
July 8th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
And people with two first names. And Argentines (sorry futuremrs.)
July 8th, 2008 at 6:10 pm
I don’t understand this “splitting a check evenly” bullshit. Is this some Yankee thing? I live and work in the Dallas area and we always pay for what we ordered. If someone wants a steak, they order it and pay for it themselves, they don’t expect everyone else to subsidize it.
Almost every restaurant we go to for our office group lunches has no problem giving us separate checks. Yeah, it takes a little longer to get and pay the checks, but by that time, we’ve eaten, we’re cool and not usually in a huge hurry to get back to the office.
July 8th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
Wait, so we have all these people talking about how shitty it is being a waiter/waitress, yet the next post is about how much more money you make doing it and all the benefits that go with it (drunk hot co-workers)? Fuck that. There are a lot of shitty jobs, and the majority don’t get to add on a tax free cash tip at the end of the shift. I don’t believe in tacking on an extra 20% to someone that does the bare minimum requirement for their job, let alone someone who does it poorly.
July 8th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
By the way, Otto… you should invite those bachelor party guys over to your house sometime to watch football, and then ask them to help you pay your rent
July 8th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
If your book reads like that rant you just sold another copy.
July 8th, 2008 at 6:58 pm
Last summer when I was living in DC, one girl decided she wanted to get together every person she had met that summer for a big group dinner. So we go to this Mexican place that apparently has great food, and of course no one’s made a reservation and there are about 15 of us. So we’re stuck there waiting for a table for hours, and of course I’m fucking starving. And since I was 20 I couldn’t even take advantage of the bar. Then one guy says his credit card can get us a table faster, but after he talks to some people in the restaurant for 15 minutes, nothing happens. Finally after almost an hour and a half, my friend, his girlfriend and I decide to ditch the group and head to a small Thai restaurant up the street, get served right away. Great decision.
July 8th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
RE mamacita Says:
“No, worse than people talking about their kids or their houses is when they talk about the schools, which combines the dullness of their kids PLUS their houses and MULTIPLIES it.”
Agreed.
July 8th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
There are a lot of shitty jobs, and the majority don’t get to add on a tax free cash tip at the end of the shift.
It’s not tax free. The government taxes wait staff on the assumption that customers aren’t fucking assholes and are tipping them like grown-ups. Back in the Stone Age, the tax was based on something like 8% of their recorded sales.
And again, the base hourly rate is something like half of minimum wage. After FICA and all the other bullshit added in, the take-home pay was almost negligible. I had one week waiting tables where I’d pulled five dinner shifts and my net paycheck was a whopping $5.
So it’s not just that non-tippers are rude. They’re basically taking money away from the waiter.
July 8th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
Excellent idea, Grimey.
But those miserly fuckers are never coming near my house. They’d probably try to steal the copper pipes and sell them, Bubbles-style.
July 8th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
If your book reads like that rant you just sold another copy.
IT DOES! BUY THE FUCKER!
July 8th, 2008 at 7:56 pm
Since this is a real bitchfest, I want to call out you fuckers who “always” tip 20% or the cocksuckers who think 20% is automatic all because you were or you know someone who was a waiter. You can go ahead and tip 20%, I’m tipping 15%. I dont care if your sister had to pay her way to college on her lowly tips. I don’t need need your pissy lectures when it comes time to split a check. Regular service is 15% tip. Always has been. You give me a reach around you get 20%.
July 8th, 2008 at 8:07 pm
Wow. Most times it bums me out that my only friends are my stuffed animals, but rants like this make me feel a damn sight better.
July 8th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
I make a good living and I think I live a pretty good life. But for some reason everytime I go to one of these things I feel like I should be outside looking for chicken wings in a fucking garbage can. They make me feel like the poorest of the poorest.
It happens every time.
July 8th, 2008 at 9:07 pm
“And for you people who like to order coffee at the end of a meal: EAT A PILE OF SHIT. It’s 10PM. What the fuck do you need coffee for? Order a straight bourbon like the rest of the civilized world.”
Fucking Amen.
Tip me well, get the FUCK OUT of the restaurant and go bang that hot bitch whose tits I’ve been staring at all night you filthy white bastards.
July 8th, 2008 at 9:11 pm
Regular service is 15% tip. Always has been.
Really? Did you get that straight from the Burning Bush, Moses?
July 8th, 2008 at 10:34 pm
Most. Non-Draft. Post. EVAR???
Ahem…Also, beware of Canadians?
Thank you guys for letting that one go.
July 8th, 2008 at 11:16 pm
to be fair, i also thought 15% was the standard. that’s what i tip my mom when she brings me down a bowl of spaghettios.
July 8th, 2008 at 11:39 pm
Wow, I had no idea that this problem was so prevalent. I’m suddenly actually happy to be an introvert with no social skills.
July 8th, 2008 at 11:43 pm
And for the record, there was a time when 10% tip was standard in the US. Then it crept up to 15%. Now, apparently, it has crept up to 20%.
By the time your children retire, the standard tip will be 60%, and anyone who tips 55% will be considered a cheap ass bitch who deserves no respect.
And there will be no minimum wage for servers. Rather, servers will have to kick back to the restaurant owners, just like strippers do at strip clubs nowadays.
July 9th, 2008 at 12:18 am
damn.. am i too late to say fuck you mastershaky?
July 9th, 2008 at 1:02 am
@Ben: Was the restaurant called Lauriol Plaza? Be glad you went somewhere else. The queso dip is amazing (especially when I’m hungover), but the rest of the food blows. And if you weren’t old enough to enjoy the margaritas, then it really wasn’t worth your time.
July 9th, 2008 at 1:26 am
I have to go to a group sushi dinner this weekend. Sushi is as bad as tapas — somebody besides me always chooses the food, and I get to pay extra for the privilege. Add in the fact that it’s a birthday dinner with some (fellow) math-challenged girlfriends and I’m looking at a royal screwin’.
July 9th, 2008 at 2:01 am
Sushi is not food. Any girl who wants to go out for sushi has two strikes against her. If I don’t see her tuna roll she’s done.
July 9th, 2008 at 2:03 am
Why you are required to tip 20%:
Waiters must tip out bartenders, bussers, hostesses, and food runners off of their tips. When you tip 10%, you cost them money. No waiter wants to pay money to hand you a fucking hockey puck because you don’t like the sight of blood.
Don’t like blood?
DON’T ORDER MEAT.
And yes, the assholes who order well done are the ones who don’t tip. As are the dicks who say “normally I tip 200%, but this guy talked a lot, so he gets $2.50.” “Normally” doesn’t mean the one time you were trying to get some from your hired escort asshole.
July 9th, 2008 at 4:01 am
For those who think waiters don’t pay taxes, you are delusional. 90% of payments are in Credit Card form, which is pretty easy to verify. In Texas, they make $2.13 an hour. I usually had to pay my restaurant on “payday” to cover the cost of my health insurance since my shit ass check didn’t even cover THAT. I was lucky by the way, since many restaurants don’t even offer such a benefit.
July 9th, 2008 at 9:16 am
Regardless of where you stand on the tip situation…is it just me or should restaurant owners be paying their employees better? I mean, why are they getting a free pass in this discussion?
Why is it just assumed to be OK that they can pay their waiters $2.13 an hour and that people must tip 30% to make up for their shitty business model?
I worked long, shitty, HOT hours in concessions at Jones Beach YEARS ago and still made nearly $7.00 an hour.
July 9th, 2008 at 9:18 am
At my restaurant we were “audited” by management if we didn’t claim at least 10% of our recorded sales each night. That was great, when after a shit night of families and group dinners – claiming 10% when I really only walked with 8%. This wouldn’t be such a good rant if I said that it ends up evening out with the good days, but it does. And yeah, I made $2.65 an hour, and ended up getting billed for my fucking insurance each month because my checks didn’t cover it.
A little secret for people that have douchebags that claim “I only have a credit card”. Most restaurant POS’s have the ability to put specific amounts on each credit card. So tell that fucker to tell the server to put his share on his credit card – it’s not that hard. As a server, I’d rather do that than determine who the fuck had the steak, frozen margarita, and desert.
Oh and by the way – a big FUCK YOU to you group dinners that decide to stay 30 minutes after you pay to talk about your fucking houses. LEAVE. I had some asshole sit at my table for SEVEN HOURS. I hate you.
July 9th, 2008 at 10:22 am
smurphette- Yeah, that was the place.
Another thing: the chick who orders appetizers “for the table” is usually the skinniest one there, and it means of course that she won’t eat any herself, and then I start to wonder what isorder she has. :/
And seriously, always get your own shit at Tapas restaurants and don’t share. 3 of those tiny-ass portions and you’ll be set… and fucked over by the price.
July 9th, 2008 at 10:23 am
*disorder
July 9th, 2008 at 10:54 am
Yeah, and I knew plenty of waiters/waitresses who worked one night a week and made more in tax free tips than I made by working 40+ hours of my equally shitty, non-tipped job. A tip is an extra reward on quality service, not a sales commission. Don’t like it? Get a job with a guaranteed wage. Expecting 20% (fuck, I remember when 10% was normal) for doing your minimum job is total bunk.
I worked at a minimum wage job with no tips, and had to pay my own insurance. I still had the same shitty customers to deal with. Let me play my small violin for those who got extra cash tips out of it.
July 9th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Tipping also fluctuates depending on the establishment and what you ordered.
Standards when seated at a restaurant:
10% wine/liquor
15% food (at your low to mid class)
18% food (mid to high class)
20% food (high class)
The tip increases as the quality of the restaurant increases because, as mentioned earlier, the server has an increasing number of people to tip out. Bartender, busser, hostess, service captain, sommelier. Also, some places determine tip based on total sales not what the server says is total tips. It is completely feasible for a server to owe up to 10% or so of sales to various co-workers. That means only half of the 20% you leave actually stays with the server. You start dipping under that and the server starts to actually lose money on the night. Of course, any server who is working at 5* place knows his shit and is only stiffed by complete douchebags.
Also, in finer establishments, the bigger prices usually mean longer stays for the guests. You don’t really turn your tables as often as the schmuck at TGIFriday’s who will have the same table resat 7 times in a night. Therefore, the tips need to be more consistent. Because if you only have a handful of tables and some assclown doesn’t tip it really brings down the averages.
Sorry for the essay but I really miss the restaurant business. Stupid degree and office job. I actually make less know than I did at my last restaurant gig (upscale French Bistro adored by the yuppie crowd).
July 9th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
Also the truly exceptional and career servers never usually have to worry about tips because they deliver excellent service. I can’t stand the inattentive fuckheads who can barely get my food to the table and then think they are getting jobbed if they don’t get better than 20% everytime. Those are the ones who need to be weeded out by HellzBellz and Shakey.
July 9th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Group dinners are worse than the Holocaust.
Nah, group dinners actually happened.
July 9th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
[...] Well, it appears as though Drew Magary at KSK shares my disdain (sorry if the link takes you to the end of the comments). Here is the money quote: And for you people who like to order coffee at the end of a meal: EAT A PILE OF SHIT. It’s 10PM. What the fuck do you need coffee for? Order a straight bourbon like the rest of the civilized world. When I go to a group dinner, I am ALWAYS the first person to stand up, as a way of signaling to people that it’s time to end the meal. Otherwise, people just sit there for time eternal. God dammit. [...]
July 9th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
[...] 9, 2008 · No Comments Stay away from Big Daddy Drew. And for you people who like to order coffee at the end of a meal: EAT A PILE OF SHIT. It’s 10PM. [...]
July 9th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
That guy is a total douche if he’s getting someone to “rip out all this mold” bleach would do just fine …
/Just saying …
July 9th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
20%? I’m sorry, but I worked in restaurants when I was younger, and your getting the 15% base and liking it.
July 9th, 2008 at 11:12 pm
Fuckin’ artichoke dip. It’s a bowl full of melted cream cheese that costs $7.95. Fuck that shit.
July 9th, 2008 at 11:15 pm
the us would have no energy problem if we could harness the rage so consistently displayed on ksk.
this leads me to wonder: with so many people expressing such molten disdain for group dinners, why do any of you ever participate?
you have no problem going clear channel here with your acidic hatred for every aspect of these fucking useless experiences. with that acknowledged, what’s stopping you from looking at the person extending the invite and replying, FUCK. AND NO (or a suitably vanilla substitute)?
life’s too goddam short to stand on social convention or the (for me) statistically insignificant prospect of getting laid by any of the appropriate attendees. suck it up, live up to your principles, and bow out of the sam’s wholesale club reenactment of the last supper.
whining – just say no.
but thank all who posted for the encyclopedic expositon of how these things incomparably suck from every conceivable angle.
July 10th, 2008 at 12:28 am
I hear your pain, but cursing and making stupid vulgar remarks makes you sound infantile. You’re 31, and yet you sound like you’re 13. I agree with you about most of the stuff except the cursing and the coffee. I drink coffee when I eat dinner at 6 like alot of people and am tired because I worked and the meal made me drowsy but I don’t necessarily want to sleep an hour or 2 later. I might want to sleep at midnight.
July 10th, 2008 at 10:43 am
“I’d like to take a time out from the continuing horror that is life without football…”
there is no such thing as life without football. there is a story about the eagles every day in the philly paper. nfl live is on every day. try going three days without hearing the words “brett favre”. every sports radio show in america talks about the nfl daily. i get VT football updates by email at least weekly. the arena league is in the middle of their playoffs and i only know this because i have come across like three games in the past few weeks while flipping channels. both my fantasy leagues have already begun. there is no way to escape football for the average american man. why don’t you do a story about the ubiquity of football? oh, i know, because it would last two words: “its awesome.” moron.
July 10th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
The best part of the post is the picture with the guy in the middle…..he knows he is totally fucked sitting amongst all these gaping assholes
July 11th, 2008 at 8:22 am
@ Chris
VT offseason updates? Constant empty yammering about Brett Farve? That’s what you think passes for football? That’s like eating a week old turkey sandwich and calling in Thanksgiving dinner.
July 11th, 2008 at 8:57 am
Ya know, I feel for you. I’ve been to crap events like this too.
Although I must admit that my faggoty ass likes artichoke dip. Sorry.
Just don’t fucking go to dinners like this anymore. Haven’t you learned to say no? There are plenty of other ways of telling someone happy birthday. Buy them at $30 gift, and stay home and eat popeyes and drink beer. Duh. Tell them you think you’re coming down with a cold, and you don’t want to get everyone else sick.
rule #1: practice saying no
rule #2: don’t practice making yourself angry since you’ll get good at it
Really. Life is short. Don’t fuck it up.
July 15th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
My favorite is when I show up ON TIME to these hellish group dinners with my boyfriend’s family but all those f@ckers are chronically LATE. It doesn’t mater how early you tell them to arrive, they always show 2 hours after you wanted out of there but I’M rude for suggesting that we actually order food and eat instead of occupying the poor waitress’ table for 6 hours at a time while she asks if we’re ready to order 27 times an hour and the constant answer is no, of course not, we just want to sit here and pretend that i’m not wanting to SLIT THEIR THROATS when they finally arrive.
November 9th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
YOU ARE A DOUCHE BAG.
Sit at home and eat some top ramen. No one cares that you are angry.