KSK Guest Post: Chris Cooley Takes You To F–k Town
We at KSK pride ourselves on avoiding Stu Scottian levels of jocksniffery. But when Redskins all-pro H-back and part-time blogger Chris Cooley asked to write a guest post, AND used the phrase “bag of dicks” in said guest post, we weren’t about to turn his frizzy-haired ass down. So here now, in his own words, is the actual Chris Cooley, telling you why training camp is both shitty and useless.
Training camp is about to start and is exciting for every football fan in America. Fuck Town for me. Inside scoop around Redskins Park sounds like no shortage of two-a-days. The numbers of days mentioned by Skins personnel seems to be climbing like an eBay auction in the last minute. At least I can look forward to a month of fun in the sun… …. …. (Borat) … NOT!!
Camp Q and A: Cooley, how much more exciting is it to have the fans attend practice during camp? Real answer, “It really doesn’t matter, I just put on a ass load of sweaty equipment, my body feels like dog shit and now I get to smash my head into 50 other guys for 2 hours. It doesn’t matter if the audience is 5,000 naked women, (link NSFW) practice is practice and it’s shitty.” Well, at least naked women would draw more of the player’s attention to sign autographs when practice ends. “Damn it, I dropped the pen again. My hands are just so slippery, reach down and grab that for me real quick.”
The one cool thing about the first month of camp is living in a dorm room. I love it when I get to leave my 2.8 million dollar house and live in a 400 square foot box, trade in the Mercedes for the bus, and curl up in my twin bed. The TV’s are great too, who isn’t happy when they pick up 10 total channels on a 24 inch box? Yea, I guess now people can say what a ungrateful bastard I am and how much anyone would give to play pro football, but please, whether it’s a high school or NFL training camp, it’s still gonna be as fun as a bag of dicks.
Camp Q and A: Cooley, How do you think the Redskins are gonna be this year? Answer I would like to give: “Well, we’re practicing to lose every game by about 30, so I guess terrible.” No one knows how their team is going to be until more than half way through the season. Last year is a perfect example, even into week 17 no one would have picked New York to win the Super Bowl, but weird shit happens in the NFL. In reality they were 1 or 2 plays from being one of the average teams of the year. The difference from average to great in football is so minimal.
Maybe one day I’ll look back and wish I wouldn’t have taken anything for granted. I’ll stop and think I should have loved every minute of it. Then I’ll look at my fucked up shoulders and knees and take it back.
Really, I love football, but training camp just takes the fun out of the game. It’s just for me; the season couldn’t come any sooner. Today’s football business has become a completely year round job. I have spent the last 5 months preparing for this season, including most of May and June practicing and running plays with the team. Give me three weeks, maybe two preseason games and let me play the Super Bowl champs. I promise I’d be ready.
Tags: andy pollin is outraged, big hair is big fun, Chris Cooley, i can hear maj orgasming from here, ksk guest posts, OOH HE SWORE ALERT THE MEDIA, ooooh he talked shit about the Giants kinda
July 21st, 2008 at 11:53 am
Proposed new KSK rule: any mention of Chris Cooley must be accompanied by pictures of his hot wife.
July 21st, 2008 at 11:57 am
Seconded.
July 21st, 2008 at 11:59 am
Oh bitch bitch bitch. Do a Google search yourself.
July 21st, 2008 at 12:08 pm
Chris Cooley for president!
July 21st, 2008 at 12:12 pm
The real question: How bad will Cooley make fun of new teammate Jason Taylor for his homo-erotic Dancing With the Stars appearances?
July 21st, 2008 at 12:12 pm
This was great, despite the soccer video. More real cursing!
July 21st, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Two guys, one hot tub. Brady Quinn is jealous.
July 21st, 2008 at 12:17 pm
I’m looking forward to today’s Outside the Lines: “Chris Cooley’s X-Rated Blogging”, hell, it might end up being what’s happening on ESPN right…NOW!
July 21st, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Awesome. Welcome to the dark side, Mr Cooley. Please stay for a while.
July 21st, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Words cannot express how much I heart Chris Cooley (although I’m sure Maj’s crush is much bigger).
July 21st, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Best thing on teh Interweb ever. For at least the next 5 minutes.
July 21st, 2008 at 12:35 pm
I look forward to future posts by Mr. Cooley, especially if they contain information about injuries and line-up changes that might be of interest to the gambling community.
July 21st, 2008 at 12:42 pm
“the season couldn’t come any sooner.”
PREACH
July 21st, 2008 at 12:44 pm
It appears that this professional football player “gets” the internet. CostasNow producers, take note.
July 21st, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Somewhere, The Big Lead is linking to articles that praise The Big Lead while you guys actually get Chris Cooley. The gay mafia wins again.
July 21st, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Chris Cooley cements his status as the only thing about the Redskins I enjoy
July 21st, 2008 at 12:52 pm
It’s still gonna be as fun as a bag of dicks.
Insert Brady Quinn joke here.
July 21st, 2008 at 12:58 pm
If there’s anyone that knows how much fun a bag of dicks is, it’s Brady Quinn.
July 21st, 2008 at 1:00 pm
I wish my ass looked that good in hot pants… uh yea anyways good luck this yr.
July 21st, 2008 at 1:06 pm
I would second BigRicks, but my overwhelming superfandom of all things involving Fred Smoot makes Cooley 1A on my redskins list. It’s also nice to see some guys of that status aren’t afraid to get away from being PC now and then.
July 21st, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Hmm, as a Giants fan I should be offended, and should generally think that Cooley is himself a bag of dicks. But I find his attitude and demeanor to be refreshing. Also, his wife is hot.
July 21st, 2008 at 1:11 pm
jared allen guest post. oh my fuck yes fucking yes
July 21st, 2008 at 1:14 pm
Fred Davis is lurking for his own blog post.
July 21st, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Mr. Cooley might have just earned ‘draft me two rounds too early in your fantasy league!’ with that post. Well done, sir.
July 21st, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Mr. Cooley, you just moved yourself up my draft board good sir.
July 21st, 2008 at 1:18 pm
I was enjoying this immensely until he price-dropped his house
July 21st, 2008 at 1:20 pm
[...] Redskins’ tight end Chris Cooley guest-posts on KSK. Was there ever a doubt he’d use the phrase “Fuck Town for me” during this exercise? [KSK] [...]
July 21st, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Camp Q and A: Yes, but would the bag of dicks be more fun if it was brought to you by say, a clown?
July 21st, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Get a goddamn haircut, hippie. Then it wouldn’t be so hot.
Seriously, though, this should be a weekly thing. Fuck his own blog.
July 21st, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Am I the only one who can’t hear anything over all the slurping going on in this comments section?
July 21st, 2008 at 2:06 pm
@Phony Gwynn: Mottram is one step ahead of you there, sir. Although Captain Chaos probably can’t say “bag of dicks” over on Yahoo, which is a shame.
July 21st, 2008 at 2:33 pm
So Chris, when is Snyder going to bring Brett Favre in. One week? Two?
July 21st, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Extra bonus points for the “andy pollin is outraged” tag.
July 21st, 2008 at 3:00 pm
Cheers for an NFL player telling us what he thinks about training camp, preseason, etc.
Jeers to the house price dropping
Cheers to KSK for getting Cooley on here instead of the Matty Ryan explained shortcut posts
Jeers to the Foreskins for, well…being the Foreskins.
July 21st, 2008 at 3:26 pm
Definitely a quality post Mr. Cooley. Hopefully on my keeper league team you’ll be worth more than a bag of dicks. Although I’ve heard Brady Quinn pays top dollar for a bag of dicks.
/so what if I’m late to the slurpfest & Brady Quinn jokes-apalooza?
//I got my Lollapalooza tickets this weekend, so everything will be apalooza!
July 21st, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Yes I like me some Cooley’s.
Yes, pics of known hotties are mandatory.
Yes, I’d like to see more of the wet FC Messina girls. (tried to find and failed…Im a loser)
July 21st, 2008 at 4:24 pm
[...] Chris Cooley just had his terminator moment. I know I’m supposed to hate the hated Redskins, but every so often one of the bad guys does [...]
July 21st, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Chris Cooley, you’ve replaced Strahan as my favorite division rival player.
July 21st, 2008 at 5:12 pm
Sorry if I’m not up on the slang the kids are using, but wouldn’t Fuck Town be an awesome place?
July 21st, 2008 at 5:35 pm
ZOMG! Athletes, they’re just like us!
Really though, Cooley is a bitching fantasy TE, and I can only dream G-reg Olsen can be half the man Cooley is.
July 21st, 2008 at 6:06 pm
Slash, that depends on who is getting fucked.
July 21st, 2008 at 9:53 pm
i…. i love him. i love him.
July 21st, 2008 at 10:07 pm
Chris Cooley, you’ve replaced Strahan as my favorite division rival player.
As a Cowboys fan, seconded.
July 21st, 2008 at 11:08 pm
RE Unsilent Majority Says: Slash, that depends on who is getting fucked.
True, but it still calls for more specificity. From “Fuck Town for me.” to “Getting Fucked Up the Ass with No Lube for me” (very bad) or “Getting My Fuck On” (good).
July 22nd, 2008 at 9:46 am
[...] of the imagination, check on Chris Cooley, who blogs everywhere (but not technically for a living), joining the guys at KSK. A [...]
July 22nd, 2008 at 11:36 am
Chris Cooley guest post, Sage Rosenfels is gonna be pissed
July 22nd, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Chris Cooley is hot!!!!! how bout an autographed pic? I live in Nebraska
July 22nd, 2008 at 4:05 pm
This isn’t that groundbreaking guys, I’ve been doing guest posts for scatenthusiast.uproxx.com for months now.
July 22nd, 2008 at 9:30 pm
[...] Cooley did a bit of blogging the other day and he describes training camp [...]
July 22nd, 2008 at 10:07 pm
Cooley and Riggins for ever !! GO SKINS !! see ya at the booby bar Cooley !
July 22nd, 2008 at 11:22 pm
“Today’s football business has become a completely year round job. I have spent the last 5 months preparing for this season”
OH REALLY?! Then who wrote this, and then started touring BBQ shops around Wyoming?
“With teams so ready to start a football season, it’s amazing to me is that we’re now going to take five full weeks off. The Redskins finished the last official team work out on June 12 and don’t begin training camp until July 19….
It’s like, bust your ass to get in shape, now take a month off. … Mentally I will be right where I left off for the summer, but it’s unbelievable how quickly my body will forget what it had to go through to be ready for the field. ”
Chris might need to tone down the bogging. His ADHD is showing. ;^) Whiney whine whine.
July 23rd, 2008 at 8:08 am
[...] Cooley writes on KSK to give, you the fan, a sense of what training camp is like for a player [...]
July 25th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
[...] is that we can hear things firsthand. From the horse’s mouth, so to speak. Which is why I love this post on Kissing Suzy Kolber by Washington Redskins tight end Chris Cooley (warning: language NSFW). He probably speaks for 98% [...]
August 27th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
[...] “See what happens when you don’t chug, buuuuudy!”, he screams as the foam from his Natty Ice falls on my face. “Your lucky my sack is only half full, or your ass would be dead!”. I don’t need to inquire as to what the sack is filled with. I already know… [...]
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June 4th, 2009 at 12:43 am
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