KSK Book Klub: A Few Seconds Of Panic
As I’ve said before, I’m not really much of a reader. Your parents may have told you that reading is cool, but that’s a lie. Reading is crazy gay. If one of your roommates is playing Madden and the other one is reading “Eat. Pray. Love,” guess which one you’re gonna want to go drinking with? Not the douche trying to expand his mind, that’s for sure.
But recently, best-selling author and Official Friend Of The Blog Stefan Fatsis sent us a copy of his new book ”A Few Seconds Of Panic,” which comes out today. So I read it. And, in doing so, it occurred to me that one way to alleviate the agony of not being able to watch football during the offseason is to read about it. Who knew? It’s almost as good as the real thing. Except I can’t hold a beer, eat chips, and hold open a book simultaneously. Hey publishing industry: if you want more of us to read, every book should come with a free music stand to rest the book on. That would be some good shit.
Fatsis wrote his book after spending training camp with the Broncos as a place kicker and then covering the team through the 2006 season, a season that included Jake Plummer’s benching in favor of Jay Cutler, and Darrent Williams’ murder on the same day the 49ers knocked the Broncos out of the playoff hunt. Fatsis also did not take part in ANY contact drills. What a puss! Hey Fatsis, put a hat on and go hit someone, you timid little Greek bastard. I don’t care if you’re “too old”, or “too small” or “in possession of two reconstructed knees that could crumple any second”. NFL players routinely destroy their bodies purely for my enjoyment. I see no reason why you can’t do the same.
The most illuminating thing about the book is the fact that, by and large, most football players can’t stand their fucking jobs. Oh, they like playing in games. But they only get to do that three hours a week. The rest of the week blows. The coaches are assholes. The fans are assholes. The media are assholes. The pay isn’t really all that great if you’re just a practice squadder. You get hurt constantly. And chronically. And, when you do get hurt, you don’t get a card that everyone in the office signs like at my day job. You get fired.
There’s no job security unless you’re an All-Pro, and 99% of guys aren’t that. Most of the players can’t even figure out why they do it. They’re constantly being hired, then fired, then rehired, and the re-fired. Hundreds of guys are hired every year to bust ass through camp, despite management having no intention of keeping them when roster cuts come down. Your pay for going through camp? A few grand. Most of those guys never even earn the yearly minimum. Coaches constantly tell players their jobs are in jeopardy, yet refuse to clue them in as to where they stand. If your boss did this, you’d fucking murder him.
In a way, it makes sense that NFL players are so jaded and cynical. Unlike most sports, football is the one sport where your time spent actually playing is but a mere fraction of the time you invest: lifting, practicing, going to boring as shit meetings, going to game “rehearsals” where you stand in formation 90 times over, etc. Compare that to baseball. Baseball players get to spend most of their time playing in REAL games. That’s fun. Football? Eh, not so much. You gotta sit through a whole lotta bullshit to get to Sunday.
You also come to learn a few other things from Fatsis’ book, like:
-Todd Sauerbrun is a total asshole.
-I mean it. A real douche. But you probably already surmised that.
-Tight end Nate Jackson’s hip hop name is “Jack Nasty”
-Mike Shanahan can best be described as aloof, detached, insensitive, unemotional, manipulative, uncharismatic, controlling, uncommunicative, petty, and at times incompetent. And, of course, overly tan. But most players agree, he’s one of the BETTER coaches to play for.
-Jake Plummer’s a badass.
-Jason Elam is one of those Tebow-esque, Evangelical Christian overachievers who seems kinda cool to hang out with. Unless you’re gay. He might not like that.
There’s also no shortage of candid, profanity-laced quotes from people in the Broncos organization that, when extrapolated from the broader story, could be totally blown out of proportion by the media. So let’s go ahead and do that right now…
Jake Plummer: “Yeah, I missed some (offseason) workouts. And you know what? Mike Shanahan, you can kiss my fucking ass for being pissed at that… I don’t want to be here every fucking day in the offseason.”
Nate Jackson: “Half the guys out there fuck up, basically, every single play.”
Ian Gold: “This is a business. When I’m here on this field, it is absolutely business. When I’m in the meeting rooms, it is business. Don’t hug me, don’t touch me, don’t call me your buddy, don’t tell me you love me, because I know you’ll motherfuck me as soon as I leave the room.”
Mike Shanahan (after a bad practice): “Guys get their opportunity, they shit in their hat.”
Tom Nalen (to Fatsis after missing a kick that would have saved players 30 minutes of meeting time): “Thanks for fucking us.”
Jake Plummer (to Pat Bowlen): “Hey, Mr. Bowlen, those are sweet boots. Where’d you get ‘em?”
Pat Bowlen (to Jake Plummer): “Aw, these are some fuckin’ ostrich skin. You got to get yourself a pair of these, you little fucker.”
(NOTE: Bowlen will indeed become a new KSK kharakter. He’s like the Double-J’s brother.)
Jason Elam (regarding the theory of evolution): “You’ve got this goo man they want you to think we came from. It doesn’t make sense to me.” (Yeah, scientists! What’s with this half-assed goo man shit? There’s nothing in the New Testament about Swamp Thing!)
Ian Gold: “The hard part for me is dealing with a lack of loyalty, dealing with people who have such a lack of integrity that it’s just sickening… You have coaches that will smile in your face and they’ll shit on you the next second.”
Jake Plummer (to Mike Shanahan during a game): “Just call the plays. I’m going out there and playing fucking football.”
Good stuff, Fatsis. You gave me a real glimpse inside the minds of NFL players. You got me to sympathize with them. Not enough to stop making fun of them, but a good amount nevertheless. I give your book a hefty FOUR THROWGASMS. I would have given you five, except that you say in the book that Matt Stover deserves to be in the Hall of Fame. Pfft. Matt Stover can suck my balls.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, jeemy smeets likes LOS BRONCOS, ksk book klub, rare Broncocentric posts, Reading is GAYdamental, whoring the books of others
![[badge]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/themes/default/images/100121_FOXmsnBadge_200x50.gif)
July 7th, 2008 at 7:28 am
Mike Shanahan isn’t “overly tan.” He’s gone waaaaay past tan, all the way through orange, and ended up the color of an Oompa Loompa.
July 7th, 2008 at 7:53 am
Mike Shanahan is so orange that Hulk Hogan once remarked, “Damn, brother, your skin is orange.”
July 7th, 2008 at 7:59 am
It’s good to know that even if you make like $10 million a year, your job still sucks.
Fuck this shit, I’m retiring.
July 7th, 2008 at 8:49 am
Damn, if only Travis Henry was on the Broncos that year. That could’ve been a book on its own.
July 7th, 2008 at 8:53 am
“The pay isn’t really all that great if you’re just a practice squadder”
Starting at 285,000 and getting an annual bump in pay between $75k and $100k? How do they manage to eke out a living?
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_league_minimum_salary_for_the_NFL
July 7th, 2008 at 8:58 am
Hey Drew, how many more book klubs can we expect before Men With Balls comes out?
July 7th, 2008 at 9:05 am
Ian Gold: “… You have coaches that will smile in your face and they’ll shit on you the next second.”
Shanahan’s been stealing Osi’s party piece?
July 7th, 2008 at 9:07 am
Ostrich skin? Shit, I bet Double J’s got some gen-U-ine baby skin boots. Can’t say where he got ‘em, but let’s say that Filipinos are a warm and pliable people.
July 7th, 2008 at 9:13 am
Every day I see more and more evidence that I need to make friends with some oil tycoons…
July 7th, 2008 at 9:13 am
@Hard Drugs
Not quite… the guys on the practice squad actually make about 5 grand a week during the season only. Roughly 90 grand a year if they don’t get cut. Great pay for a glorified tackling dummy, but nowhere near the 275 minimum that actual rosters players get.
July 7th, 2008 at 9:22 am
Ah, $5k a week. Hold on, let me break out my very small hats for the pity party.
July 7th, 2008 at 9:37 am
Who knew that Ratface was a douchebag? Sounds like anybody that’s played for him.
July 7th, 2008 at 9:47 am
(NOTE: Bowlen will indeed become a new KSK kharakter. He’s like the Double-J’s brother.)
As a Bronco fan, I can’t decide if I’m extremely excited or extremely worried.
July 7th, 2008 at 10:04 am
Ian Gold is the fucking man.
Also, will Men With Balls come with a music stand?
July 7th, 2008 at 10:23 am
@TF:
Given the results of last week’s draft, it should probably come with an ice cream scoop.
July 7th, 2008 at 10:29 am
Another must-read is Madden’s Hey, wait a minute (I wrote a book)!. A little old-school (focuses on the ’70s and early ’80s), but very entertaining. Absolutely skip Markbreit’s Last Call…. mostly an exercise in enduring the guy’s mammoth ego.
July 7th, 2008 at 10:38 am
Music stand? I’m dying for that breadwich recipe.
July 7th, 2008 at 10:48 am
Am I the only one that thinks someone named Ian Gold should be a Jewish lawyer and not a pro football player?
July 7th, 2008 at 11:03 am
Music stand? I prefer rape stands (Copyright Michael Vick)
July 7th, 2008 at 11:06 am
Music stand? I’m dying for that breadwich recipe.
The secret ingredient is bread.
July 7th, 2008 at 11:15 am
I always knew there was a reason I liked Plummer.
July 7th, 2008 at 11:23 am
BDD can read?
July 7th, 2008 at 11:39 am
any anti-shanahan materials get the stamp of approval. the broncos can get fucked.
July 7th, 2008 at 11:40 am
Alert the media! Scammy-han is a dick!
July 7th, 2008 at 11:56 am
Any person with “Fat” as part of his last name must have been tormented mercilessly in the locker room during training camp. I want to hear those stories.
“C’mon Fatty kick the ball through the big H. If you do it right the 1st time, we’ll make sure you get to the front of the buffet line.”
July 7th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
If your job was to be in the sun in the state with the most days of sun in the sunniest months of the year would you cockbites be tan too? Let me know.
July 7th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
If your job was to be in the sun in the state with the most days of sun in the sunniest months of the year would you cockbites be tan too?
That must be why all the other white players, coaches and staff on the team have the exact same burnt-siena glow.
It’s probably not a tan. It’s the boiling blood inside his skin.
July 7th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
I prefer to think that he bathes in a vat of feces.
July 7th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
I fart in Shamahan’s general direction.
July 7th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Stefan Fatsis anagrams to Fan Eats Fists.
Which I have to imagine is a Denver-area headline that runs frequently every time some poor sap realizes they’re stuck with Jay Cutler for 4 more seasons.
July 7th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Creepy, isn’t it?
July 7th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Can’t believe I fucked that up by removing the link.
July 7th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
not to sound gay or nothin, but fatsis’s book about scrabble ruled.
July 7th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
Spelling it with a K instead of a C. Nice touch.
I might actually read this book. I already knew this, though: “The coaches are assholes. The fans are assholes. The media are assholes.”
The only kinda scary pic of Shanahan I could find was on this blog, http://fireshanahan.blogspot.com/, which has this to say:
“What’s wrong with Shanahan? He shows zero loyalty to his players and constantly shifts the blame of himself onto others. He rode Steve Young and John Elway to all the success he has ever had in the NFL.”
July 7th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Madden says: “that’s just mike shanahan being mike shanahan.”
July 7th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
@Slothrop: Zing!
@ Ape: Here Homer, try using an open-faced club like the sand wedge.
July 7th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
mmmmmm…
July 7th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
To be fair, Shanny only started looking like that once Al Davis became a vampire. To deter sunlight from hitting himself, Davis deflected it to Shanahan.
July 7th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Good point, Phony.
Meanwhile, Marty Schottenheimer stood between those two as only he could, emitting neither too much color nor a scary paleness, just a bland clear constancy….
Sorry, I dozed off there for a second.
July 7th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Otto, I remember that hue on the color wheel when I was in high school art class.
Could we say that Shana-orange and davis-gray are complementary?
July 7th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
There are really Broncos fans? I thought they were almost as non-existent as us Seahawks fans.
July 7th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
What about this shot of Ratface baring his incisors?
http://weblogs.baltimoresun.com/sports/ordine/blog/Shanahan.jpg
July 7th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Porky’s answered the age-old question:
“What would Mike Krzyzewski look like with a tan?”
Answer? Not good.
July 7th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
great, now I have to find a new title for my sex technique book
/dammit
July 7th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
This Stefan Fatsis guy is Greek and a kicker? I’d crack a gay joke, but that’s WAY to easy.
July 7th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
“too easy”, that is. Also, kickers are gaylords, punters are retards.
July 7th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
FatSis seems like the most appropriate name for a greek guy with a sister ever.
July 7th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
futuremrsrickankiel Says:
July 7th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
…
Which I have to imagine is a Denver-area headline that runs frequently every time some poor sap realizes they’re stuck with Jay Cutler for 4 more seasons.
Ah yes it’s not even his third season but we’re already calling jay Cutler an awful quarterback.
You make it seem like he is another Ryan Leaf or JP Losman, which I can assure he is not.
July 7th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
Ian Gold was a scrawny gutless piece of dogshit. Probably the main reason the Broncos fielded a candyass finesse defense for the last nine years.
July 7th, 2008 at 11:18 pm
[...] call the plays. I’m going out there and playing fucking football.” ~ Kissing Suzy Kolber, KSK Book Klub: A Few Seconds Of Panic, [...]