If you call it the NFC Norris, I will bury a pickaxe in your large intestine…

CHICAGO BEARS


Five Fast Facts About The Bears:
-Quarterback Kyle Orton does not pay for alcohol and will only drink from wounded soldiers.
-Quarterback Rex Grossman will only call you back if you’re a “screamer”.
-Running back Kevin Jones’s ankle is made of 100% pure mica.
-Wide receiver Brandon Lloyd once thought Aspercreme was meant to be taken orally.
-Tight end Greg Olsen will never be that good. You Miami nutjobs can quit going on and on about him now.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 8 Wins

Verdict: UNDER

It’s somewhat difficult to win eight games when you have no quarterback, no wideouts, and no running backs. Congratulations, Bears fans: you might have the most excruciating-to-watch offense in NFL. I’d rather watch a Todd Solondz film. “Oooh, look! People from the suburbs are twisted and strange! I’m going to film that little boy cumming on the railing! I’m so taboo!” Get fucked, freakshow. Your movies blow.

DETROIT LIONS


Five Fast Facts About The Lions:
-You know those cyclones in Myanmar? Matt Millen caused that.
-Tim Russert’s heart attack? Also Millen.
-Financial backing for “Beverly Hills Chihuahua”? Millen.
-Did your network go down at work today? Millen.
-FUCK MATT MILLEN

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 6.5 Wins

Verdict: UNDER

Six wins I could see. But six and a HALF? Let’s not go fucking nuts here. Half a win is 100% of a win for this epicenter of NFL shittitude. Also, Roy Williams can eat a bag of piping hot diarrhea. Some third round fantasy pick you were, Pegboy.

GREEN BAY PACKERS


SIX Fast Facts About The Packers:
-These are the two hottest women in Green Bay.
-Cornerback Charles Woodson’s signature Cabernet has a bitter aftertaste that can last seven or eight years. It also has a distinct bouquet of used athletic tape. It gives up on having flavor after roughly six sips.
-Running back Ryan Grant went to Notre Dame. Whoa whoa whoa. A successful pro who went to ND? Fucking A. That’s like Arizona State producing a Rhodes Scholar.
-Linebacker AJ Hawk really hopes he isn’t in the Quinn household when Brady decides to have “the talk”.
-Quarterback Aaron Rodgers murdered Brett Favre’s dad.
-Everyone knows the Packers ride bikes to the practice field during camp. What people don’t know is that the Packers like to ride their bikes without seats. And without pants. BECAUSE THEY’RE SO GAY! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 8 Wins

Verdict: OVER

Oh, no! Brett’s gone! How will Green Bay ever survive with just a solid defensive line, a sound running game, gifted young receivers, an improving head coach, and a potentially decent quarterback? A BLUE PERIOD SHALL DESCEND UPON US ALL!

MINNESOTA VIKINGS


Five Fast Facts About The Vikings:
-Tackle Bryant McKinnie was the person who drafted this bukkake model release form.
-Head Coach Brad Childress is known around town for hosting dinner parties, burning dinner, then serving it anyway and insisting that it’s delicious.
-Cornerback Antoine Winfield is considered the best tackling corner in football. You get to tackle people a lot when you let them catch the ball as often as Winfield does.
-Linebacker Chad Greenway did NOT direct “The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover”
-If you say one mean thing about Adrian Peterson, I will personally come to your house and shave your mom’s ass. You prick.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 8.5 Wins

Verdict: OVER

The Vikings are a few people’s chic Super Bowl pick, which means they’re hopelessly fucked. Thanks to Tarvaris Jackson, they also happen to be the official Butterface Team of 2008. One of the Viking message boards I frequent decided to nickname Jackson “Tar Baby”. Because it sounds like Tarvaris! So clever! So yeah, Minnesotans can also be racist fucks. Goody.