KSK 2008 NFL Prekakke: NFC North
07.22.08If you call it the NFC Norris, I will bury a pickaxe in your large intestine…
CHICAGO BEARS
Five Fast Facts About The Bears:
-Quarterback Kyle Orton does not pay for alcohol and will only drink from wounded soldiers.
-Quarterback Rex Grossman will only call you back if you’re a “screamer”.
-Running back Kevin Jones’s ankle is made of 100% pure mica.
-Wide receiver Brandon Lloyd once thought Aspercreme was meant to be taken orally.
-Tight end Greg Olsen will never be that good. You Miami nutjobs can quit going on and on about him now.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 8 Wins
Verdict: UNDER
It’s somewhat difficult to win eight games when you have no quarterback, no wideouts, and no running backs. Congratulations, Bears fans: you might have the most excruciating-to-watch offense in NFL. I’d rather watch a Todd Solondz film. “Oooh, look! People from the suburbs are twisted and strange! I’m going to film that little boy cumming on the railing! I’m so taboo!” Get fucked, freakshow. Your movies blow.
DETROIT LIONS
Five Fast Facts About The Lions:
-You know those cyclones in Myanmar? Matt Millen caused that.
-Tim Russert’s heart attack? Also Millen.
-Financial backing for “Beverly Hills Chihuahua”? Millen.
-Did your network go down at work today? Millen.
-FUCK MATT MILLEN
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 6.5 Wins
Verdict: UNDER
Six wins I could see. But six and a HALF? Let’s not go fucking nuts here. Half a win is 100% of a win for this epicenter of NFL shittitude. Also, Roy Williams can eat a bag of piping hot diarrhea. Some third round fantasy pick you were, Pegboy.
GREEN BAY PACKERS
SIX Fast Facts About The Packers:
-These are the two hottest women in Green Bay.
-Cornerback Charles Woodson’s signature Cabernet has a bitter aftertaste that can last seven or eight years. It also has a distinct bouquet of used athletic tape. It gives up on having flavor after roughly six sips.
-Running back Ryan Grant went to Notre Dame. Whoa whoa whoa. A successful pro who went to ND? Fucking A. That’s like Arizona State producing a Rhodes Scholar.
-Linebacker AJ Hawk really hopes he isn’t in the Quinn household when Brady decides to have “the talk”.
-Quarterback Aaron Rodgers murdered Brett Favre’s dad.
-Everyone knows the Packers ride bikes to the practice field during camp. What people don’t know is that the Packers like to ride their bikes without seats. And without pants. BECAUSE THEY’RE SO GAY! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 8 Wins
Verdict: OVER
Oh, no! Brett’s gone! How will Green Bay ever survive with just a solid defensive line, a sound running game, gifted young receivers, an improving head coach, and a potentially decent quarterback? A BLUE PERIOD SHALL DESCEND UPON US ALL!
MINNESOTA VIKINGS
Five Fast Facts About The Vikings:
-Tackle Bryant McKinnie was the person who drafted this bukkake model release form.
-Head Coach Brad Childress is known around town for hosting dinner parties, burning dinner, then serving it anyway and insisting that it’s delicious.
-Cornerback Antoine Winfield is considered the best tackling corner in football. You get to tackle people a lot when you let them catch the ball as often as Winfield does.
-Linebacker Chad Greenway did NOT direct “The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover”
-If you say one mean thing about Adrian Peterson, I will personally come to your house and shave your mom’s ass. You prick.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 8.5 Wins
Verdict: OVER
The Vikings are a few people’s chic Super Bowl pick, which means they’re hopelessly fucked. Thanks to Tarvaris Jackson, they also happen to be the official Butterface Team of 2008. One of the Viking message boards I frequent decided to nickname Jackson “Tar Baby”. Because it sounds like Tarvaris! So clever! So yeah, Minnesotans can also be racist fucks. Goody.
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Watching the Bears offense in 2005 was like having someone scrape my balls with a nail file. If you take away special teams and defensive returns, the Bears offense scored 224 points that year; average of 14 a game. If you set the over/under on Bears TOTAL points on 224, I would gladly take the under and laugh all the way to the bank. This offense has a chance to be more “special” than the offspring of Stephen Hawking and Helen Keller. I feel sort of sorry for the fans of any team playing Das Osos this season. On the one hand, you get an almost-free win. On the other…you have to watch the Bears.
All too easy, Gino: Requiem For a Dream.
/shows self out
Kitna might be the best quarterback in that division
http://www.collegefastbreak.com/
Quick: name a ptetentious art film with a dildo in it.
KSK…come for the football, stay to discuss pretentious films. Personally, I like Un chien andalou because it may be weird, but at least it’s original. These other films are so derivative that…
/shows self out
//punches woman on the way
“Oooh, look! People from the suburbs are twisted and strange! I’m going to film that little boy cumming on the railing! I’m so taboo!”
Personally, I was more disturbed by the father-son chat and the Philip Seymour Hoffman postcard hanging scene, but that’s just me.
And the NFC North might have the single worst collection of QBs of any division in the history of football. Its telling when Jon Kitna is the class of the division.
Bears – Sex Cannon/Neckbeard
Pack – Aaron Rodgers
Vikes- Tavaris “handoff to peterson” Jackson
Lions- Jon “Kurt’s BFF” Kitna
ASU also produced Barry Bonds and Jake Plummer… so it’s a wash.
And that has worked out SO WELL for us in the past.
Fuck Da Bears.
I’m up with Dan from Chicago…of course, the Bears will likely beat the Saints…AGAIN…cause the NFL dickheads decided to schedule the Saints AT THE BEARS in DECEMBER! Argh!
“That’s like Arizona State producing a Rhodes Scholar.”
Amazingly enough, ASU has had 5 Rhodes Scholars, 3 in the last 15 years.
Is it possible for all the teams to go 8-8 and no one make the playoffs?
/ok whoever ends up in first spot goes – maybe the NFL can make an exception this year.
i have no opinion on this.. just wanted to say chris berman is a fat douche.
Thanks to Tarvaris Jackson, they also happen to be the official Butterface Team of 2008.
Last season’s Butterface Team was the one quarterbacked by Elisha Manning. Who threw 20 picks and somehow still wound up holding the Lombardi Trophy. So, no, I don’t think it’s ridiculous to consider a Vikings Super Bowl run.
/naive
NFC North = The Special People’s Club
Steve Rogers does not approve
seconds to realize what object was: ten
seconds to ponder if this was a solo or team use tool: seventeen
seconds to realize which end went in which orifice: thirty-seven
As we speak, I’m testing out the urban legend that office glass won’t break if you jump into it. The specter of Purple Jesus’ ankle rolling is enough to make me try this.
futuremrs…Bright side? After this Olympic thing goes all to hell, the NFL will never even consider playing a game in China. Not that they’ve considered it before…that we know of.
/belabors point
//punches self below keyboard
If Minnesotans can handle living in Minnesota to begin with, there’s nothing the Vikings could do that would cause any of them to kill themselves.
Though the franchise has certainly tried its damnedest.
“Minnesota Vikings – I can hear the gasps coming out of the Metrodome when Purple Jesus rolls his ankle and is out for 2 weeks. Then the realization hits…Tarvaris Jackson must lead the team to victory!”
What’s the over/under on how long it takes for the suicides to start after that?
I’m convinced that the fact that I have to wait through a month of diving, amateur-quality basketball, and (fucking) gymnastics until I get to watch the NFL is yet another example of the cruelty and disregard for human life displayed by the Chinese government.
@handfulofpeter
Puckett’s dead. Luckily for Minny, Adrian Peterson fills their quota.
Although racist as all get out, “tarbaby” is quite clever, not to mention funny.
Tavaris Jackson Only Takes a Minute to fall behind.
@Snowflake the Dog: My thoughts exactly, down to the punctuation.
The movie “Hellraiser”: Fan-Fucking-Tastic.
If the NFC North represented by the Cenobytes, the Vikings are Pinhead (clearly the baddest), Packers are the fat, greasy one, the Bears are the one with the weird jaws and the Lions are the female one.
My pleasure, Gino. I know how much that movie means to Eye-Ties like yourself.
And thanks to the Wiki links, now I know that Tavares’ original name was Chubby and the Turnpikes. Hard to imagine why they abandoned a name that conjoured up a Larry Craig visit to a highway rest stop.
Good choice of illustration for a team that got accused of making “inappropriate contact” with Brett Favre, I’d say.
The Vegas over/under for Bears wins is 8? Excuse me for a moment.
/buys plane ticket to Vegas
//puts life savings on ‘under’
//season-ticket holder, by the way
seconds one and two: “whatever that’s for, looks like it would be better used as a dildo”
third second: “oh”
That dildo is like the sex toy version of that puzzlebox from Hellraiser
@ Otto Man
I was hoping for a tenuously-related obscure pop-cultural reference, but couldn’t come up with my own. Thanks for the Travolta/Bee Gees/SNF thing. Also, did you know Brett Favre was a roller-disco extra in “Xanadu”?
“Hey, a feeldoe!”
I’ve said too much.
One thought per team:
Chicago Bears – Would it not be smarter to just not put an offense out there and just ask opponents to kick to Devin Hester over and over again?
Detroit Lions – Bigger disaster for Detroit: High gas prices or Matt Millen?
Green Bay Packers – OMG! Favre wants back in!! BOLT THE DOORS!
Minnesota Vikings – I can hear the gasps coming out of the Metrodome when Purple Jesus rolls his ankle and is out for 2 weeks. Then the realization hits…Tarvaris Jackson must lead the team to victory!
NESCAC is an auto racing league for the “developementally-disabled”.
Then who the fuck is NASCAR for? You ever listen to Ward Burton talk?
Say what you will about Tavaris, but his version of “More Than a Woman” was the clear highlight of the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack.
BDD, why do you think Greg Olsen can’t be good? If he had a QB who could get him the damn ball he would be very good. And no, I didn’t go to Miami.
My thought process:
1) That is a dildo (3 seconds)
2) Isn’t the ass insert on the wrong side? (5 seconds)
3) Oh… I guess that is a clit vibrator. (7 seconds)
No, no. NESCAC is an auto racing league for the “developementally-disabled”.
Anyone who picks a team with Tavaris Jackson to win more than eight games is batshit crazy.
NESCAC? Isn’t that an instant coffee?
You know smurphette is pissed when she starts going after that D3 powerhouse conference that is the NESCAC.
‘Linebacker AJ Hawk really hopes he isn’t in the Quinn household when Brady decides to have “the talk”.’
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
ACTUAL FOOTBALL CONTENT YESSSSSSSSS
Colby springboarding a lot of solid talent to the NFL are they? We all know that’s your violet vag accessory, fuckface.
My exact though process:
1) That’s a dildo! (3 seconds)
What does this say about me as a person?
NFC North images: Alcohol-induced flaccidness, Matt Millen bestowing shittiness on a gesticulating Joey Harrington, drunk, obese Wisconsin retards in sweat pants, and then a purple double-headed dildo with a lovely flower. The Vikings win in a dubious contest.
The only black people in Minnesota are Price and Kirby Puckett.
It’s true. Look it up.
Funnily enough, that dildo model is called Purple Jesus!
/goes to Hell
//will be there with the Gay Mafia
@bdd:
the vikings cheeleader coach called. she wants her team motivator back.
with fresh batteries.
Why is Joey Harrington proposing to Matt Millen?
And assbags are still commenting on the Rex post from 2006.
/While still funny, y’all missed the real-time hilarity
//GEEZ
looks like i’m in the minority (again) on happiness. solondz first two movies were good, the 2nd were fucking awful. i can’t think of many movies worse than storytelling or palindromes.
and i’m looking forward to the bears having the worst offensive season ever, or at least as bad as the raiders were a few years ago.
NFC North: NFL leaders in art-fag movie references.
Fred Smoot can name that object in one second.
my exact thought process.
a) that’s a pretty flower (roughly 1 second)
b) ew, what’s that purple mess (around the second #3)
c) what is that, chewing gum? (6 seconds)
d) naw, must be some purple silly-putty shit (9 seconds)
e) you know, now that i’m really looking at it, maybe it’s a… (13 seconds)
f) dildo? (15 seconds)
it’s a tie, and the house wins.
“What’s your name?” / “G-Reg”.
” What you do?” / “Get Head”.
“How you do it?” / “Drop my pants and show my 3rd leg!”
I am one of those Miami nutjobs – Go 7th Floor Crew!
Grimey…I thought it was an Epilady, you know, for shaving ass?
I think shaved asses are going to be the next trendy fetish.
Vegas Over/Under on the amount of time it takes people to realize that the last picture is a dildo: 15 seconds
I can’t think of a better present for Mother SLaird than a free ass-shaving. You gonna be free in October?
Say, the Vikings are going … oh.
“If you say one mean thing about Adrian Peterson, I will personally come to your house and shave your mom’s ass.”
I think that’s my dad’s job.
I prefer to call Tarvaris “The Racoon” because he scampers around like a little racoon just before it gets hit by a F150.
Adrian Peterson sucks balls
\Ma needs a good grooming
Fucking PREACH.
Amen, amen, amen.
I saw “Happiness” in that pretentious art-house theater up by Lincoln Center, and the Upper West Side douchebags were all twittering in bemusement. “Oh, he anally raped a young child! What a droll commentary on postmodern dystopian sexual issues and late 20th-century suburban ennui!” Fuck that noise.
i thought it was “NFC Norse”. As in Norsemen. As in sweet vikings. Vikings who rape and pillage. And what’s so bad about that? (Besides the fat that Chris Berman says it.)
kyle orton = absolut impotence. shoulda been another photo for rex grossman = absolute cumtastic.
“Oooh, look! People from the suburbs are twisted and strange! I’m going to film that little boy cumming on the railing! I’m so taboo!” Get fucked, freakshow. Your movies blow.
Fucking PREACH.