KSK 2008 NFL Prekkake: AFC North
Where black coaches go to whale on each other.
BALTIMORE RAVENS
A Few Fast Facts About the Ravens
- These are the only six white people in Baltimore not living in Federal Hill. Update: They’ve since been killed and dumped in a vacant rowhouse.
-Ever notice how the Ravens were never referenced on The Wire? Like, not even once? Where did McNulty and Bunk go when they were in the mood for a sporting event? Orioles game. What jersey did Namond Brice wear in Season 4? Eagles. (Yeah, Cunningham Jerome Brown throwback, but whatevs). All I’m saying is the team is evil and David Simon realizes this. Which is why I love him.
-Willis McGahee doesn’t like that Travis Henry gets all the pub for fathering illegitimate children. He hopes some of his illegitimate children grow up to be media professionals who will correct this disparity.
-The Ravens answer for the retired Jonathan Ogden is second-year tackle Jared Gaither. He went to Maryland, so you know how much he sucks.
-Paper Moon Diner is kinda cool. THERE I SAID SOMETHING FUCKING NICE ABOUT BALTIMORE
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 6 wins
Verdict: Push
Six wins sounds like a reasonable tally for a team with no quarterback and a rookie coach who looks like he’s 28. But, hey, they still have an old, homicidal overrated linebacker, an overrated safety and Haloti Ngata. That’s got to be worth at least two wins over Cincy.
CINCINNATI BENGALS
A Few Fast Facts About the Bengals:
- Their reputation of unlawfulness has outlived its relevance. They’ve gone back to generally depressing ineptitude now.
- The struggling economy has pushed the retirement age of Willie Anderson from 35 to 68.
- Shayne Graham’s first name is actually Michael. But he didn’t want to be confused for the conservative author. Or a heterosexual.
- Former Bengals safety Madieu Williams signed with the Vikings for $33 million. This act alone is responsible for all depreciation of the dollar.
- The Bengals acquired Carson’s little brother, Jordan Palmer, in the off-season. Cooper Palmer, however, chooses to live his life in the shadows, feasting on lost passersby and pets who have lost their way.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 7 wins
Verdict: Under
Are you explosively shitting on my dick? Seven wins out of this team? They have enough clubhouse turmoil to fill 10 Middle Easts. And ammunition too! Seriously Vegas, I appreciate the gift, but the Bungles will be lucky not to lose more than 12 games. Maybe the seven was actually meant to indicate the number of year extension Marvin Lewis will somehow get after this season. Mike Brown should get a reality show.
CLEVELAND BROWNS
A Few Fast Facts About the Browns:
- Did you know they’ve never been a Super Bowl?
- Isn’t that sad?
- Couldn’t you just cry for Cleveland?
- No?
- Me neither.
- Brady Quinn can tell you everything you’ve eaten for the last seven months by tasting your semen. If you’ve also tasted semen during that span you may become his intended.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 8 wins
Verdict: Over
The Browns are everybody’s chichi pick for a Super Bowl run this year, despite falling apart in big games late last season and having a coach who generally doesn’t know what he’s doing once he’s let out of his terrarium. They did pick up the Pats’ least impressive receiver and a defensive lineman from the Lions who only shows up when games are catered. What else do you need to turn the corner?
PITTSBURGH STEELERS
A Few Fast Facts About The Steelers
- Marvel Smith’s back is being held together by Bubble Tape. Unfortunately, it’s not chewed.
- The only thing Jeff Reed doesn’t do drunk is wash his car. Because he doesn’t know where he left it.
- LaMarr Woodley will have 38 sacks this season. But 33 of them will be against Troy Smith.
- Ben Roethlisberger’s favorite bedtime snack is Parmesan Goldfish and scabs.
- Santonio Holmes’ penis can act as a cell phone tower if needed.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 9 wins
Verdict: Over
Sure, they have the league’s most difficult schedule this year. It’ll be tough, but they’re up to the task. After all, they did pretty much address all of their weaknesses in the off-season. Well, all of them EXCEPT THE REALLY FUCKING HUGE OBVIOUS ONE THAT IS THE OFFENSIVE LINE! Justin Hartwig is good, right? Right? Oh man, here come the waterworks.
Tags: KSK 2008 NFL Prekkake, xmas ape
July 28th, 2008 at 9:15 am
What the fuck did beetle juice do to that man’s sleeve.
July 28th, 2008 at 9:16 am
“I could be in better shape,” said Hampton, who the Steelers officially list on their roster at 325 pounds. “But my thing is the only way you can get into football shape is to play football. You can do all the running you want, know what I mean? You can have a guy do the run test and be the best run-test guy and he can’t play football, so it doesn’t matter.”
i am just going to stand back and let this speak for itself…maybe..Casey hamptons favorite late night snack is?…
July 28th, 2008 at 9:24 am
They’re making Howard Stern guests wear their IQs on their shirts now? What is this, Nazi Germany?
July 28th, 2008 at 9:35 am
@Otto Man
This is doubly funny, because Rongrastname’s jersey number is 7.
July 28th, 2008 at 9:43 am
of course the browns will turn the corner. horse balls found his horse whisperer, remember?
July 28th, 2008 at 9:44 am
Ngata was carted off the field this weekend.
Huzzah!
July 28th, 2008 at 9:45 am
“LaMarr Woodley will have 38 sacks this season. But 33 of them will be against Troy Smith.”
Has something changed since college, then? Because from 2004-2006 I would get hammered drunk during the OSU Michigan game taking a drink every time Woodley grasped at air as Troy slid by and made a play…..
Also, that might be the sexiest woman in Cleveland.
July 28th, 2008 at 9:52 am
Nga… Ngat… Well, Ngata be working here anymore!
July 28th, 2008 at 9:52 am
BEETLE, BABY! Also, it looks like Al and Peg became Browns fans.
The fast facts about the Browns reminded me of Wednesday and Pugsley at summer camp. “Don’t we wish she would just DIE???”
July 28th, 2008 at 9:54 am
Geez, Troy Polamalu REALLY let himself go in the off-season. WTF?!?!?!
July 28th, 2008 at 10:06 am
One question for every team:
Baltimore – Now that The Wire is done, can anyone find you on a map?
Cincinnati – If fantasy football is God, does that make fantasy soccer the Devil?
Cleveland – Where do you want this large disco ball? And these assless chaps?
Pittsburgh – Ret’s just say you rook forward to a rong, rong season of rearry awfur jokes. Do you rike it?
July 28th, 2008 at 10:07 am
Someone’s got more than the minimum amount of flair.
July 28th, 2008 at 10:13 am
wow, there were a shitload of sentences that seem to be missing the last.
July 28th, 2008 at 10:20 am
What a terrible division.
July 28th, 2008 at 10:24 am
So now that Titletown USA is over ESPN has decided to move on to the Greatest City?
July 28th, 2008 at 10:54 am
So now that Titletown USA is over ESPN has decided to move on to the Greatest City?
I see a Tawwmy rant in the horizon if Bawstahn doesn’t win that award.
July 28th, 2008 at 11:03 am
Ben Roethlisberger’s favorite bedtime snack is Parmesan Goldfish and scabs.
Of all the things on this site, this one has so far grossed me out the most, for some reason.
July 28th, 2008 at 11:16 am
(Yeah, Cunningham throwback, but whatevs)
I’m pretty sure it was a Jerome Brown throwback.
July 28th, 2008 at 11:23 am
Carcetti alluded to the Ravens in season 5 (or 4) when he said “It’s not like I’m trying to get rid of Ray Lewis.”
July 28th, 2008 at 11:23 am
I see a Tawwmy rant in the horizon if Bawstahn doesn’t win that award.
ann arbor won it. no joke.
July 28th, 2008 at 11:38 am
Why is there no love for the fact that Casey Hambone found a wat to avoid training camp and the pre-season just by being a fatass? (Seriously, the most he moves during a game is when he “runs” off the field for third downs)
July 28th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Can I get a ruling on the Browns chick?
Big ta-tas? Check
Low expectations? Check
Certifiably insane? Check
MILFy? Likely
How hot does a chick have to be to overcome Cleveland’s suckiness?
July 28th, 2008 at 11:49 am
@LLUA
Ruling is inconclusive. There’s no way to tell what’s luring under the mound of Browns crap she’s wearing. And those funbags may not be so fun. On the basis of low expectations and insanity, those come with all Cleveland women, so I think that doesn’t count.
July 28th, 2008 at 11:54 am
LLUA,
I wouldn’t be surprised if the ta-tas aren’t as firm as advertised. I expect saggers once their wrapping comes off. That said, her outfit screams “Pay me some attention!” and, as you stated, she’s likely not of sound mind.
July 28th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
@ RBP – not likely of sound mind? me thinks that’s an understatement when the bitch is covered in dog treats.
/dog treats are not flair
July 28th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
There is an ongoing debate regarding the tit firmness of a 40 year old browns fan? Excuse me, I have gun to that needs cleaning (not a masturbation reference… yet…)
July 28th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
What is Paul Pierce doing in a Steelers jersey?
July 28th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
I bet Joe Flacco had both of those broads at the same time.
Ah to be living the good life…
July 28th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Where black coaches go to whale on each other.
Is that a bad Romeo Crennel pun?
July 28th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
@ ognihs – Remember, she’s from Cleveland. It’s a miracle the guy isn’t dressed up as a dog and sniffing her butt.
@ HCP – what debate could matter more than tit firmness? I see your global warmings and Favre trade talk and trump them with tit firmness.
July 28th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
“Reggie Bush’s Pimp Says:
July 28th, 2008 at 10:06 am
Cincinnati – If fantasy football is God, does that make fantasy soccer the Devil?”
Not as long as Fantasy NASCAR exists.
July 28th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
“Marvel Smith’s back is being held together by Bubble Tape.”
His trainer really should try using Fruit By The Foot.
July 28th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Where are the pictures of Baltimore’s famous 15 year old hookers? I know you guys have them…c’mon stop holding out on us.
/not calling Dateline NBC on you
July 28th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
http://images.icanhascheezburger.com/completestore/2008/7/14/icanhascheez128605647777225315.jpg
July 28th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
I’ve been laughing the whole time I’ve been reading this… yous guys have made my day.
Why has there been no mention of Jarvis? I would have thought this would have been just the occasion.
July 28th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
I’m suing that bench for false advertisement
/Baltimore-flavored Haterade
July 28th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Buster Casey >> Brady Quinn
July 28th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Browns will end the streak of Super Bowl hiding
They got real good team-
http://www.collegefastbreak.com/
July 28th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
@ RBP
Things that matter in Cleveland:
1. When is that batch of meth going to be done?
2. Why won’t my cousin fuck me?
3. Why is a dharkie running for presdident?
4. Tit firmness
5. The price of oil (which is directly related to the price of dog face masks ((insert cleveland woman are ugly joke)))
July 28th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
She has a website. bonelady.com
July 28th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
RE A Few Fast Facts About the Ravens
- These are the only six white people in Baltimore not living in Federal Hill. Update: They’ve since been killed and dumped in a vacant.
A vacant what? Lot? Building? Car? Street? I must know.
July 28th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
the brownies are this years saints. coming off an unexpectedly big year, loads of talent, somehow finding a way to return from Mediocrity to Suck.
July 28th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
Slash:
Vacant house. Sorry, another Wire reference. They referred to all the vacant houses in the show as “vacants”. Esoteric, sure. But so is everything on the site.
July 28th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
Blendy is correct. It was a Jerome Brown jersey.
/Wire Homo
July 28th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
@ FutureMrs:
“What a terrible division.”
Any of those teams could win the NFC North.
July 28th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
RE Christmas Ape Says: July 28th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
Slash: Vacant house. Sorry, another Wire reference. They referred to all the vacant houses in the show as “vacants”. Esoteric, sure. But so is everything on the site.
Thanks. OK, don’t banninate me, but I’ve never seen “The Wire.” I know, I know… The last show I saw that referenced Baltimore was “Homicide.”
July 29th, 2008 at 9:13 am
Paper Moon diner is kinda cool if you like having your eggs served by tranny waitresses with track marks in their arms and off-duty BPD officers as cashiers.
July 29th, 2008 at 10:23 am
Steelers OVER for nine wins? That nice profit you made on the Cincy bet just got negated.
January 6th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Regarding the reference of the Baltimore Ravens in the Wire, you are wrong. In one episode in season four right before a sting bust kids are throwing the football and talking about Mike Anderson, Jamal Lewis, and the Ravens.
And you’re dissing Jared Gaither? Good one, its not like the Ravens finished 2nd in rushing yards this year or anything…
The AFC North is the top conference in the league
asshole
yeah, I’m one of those retards who comment in threads that have been inactive since training camp
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