KSK 2008 NFL Prekkake: AFC East
Lots of suspense here.
TORONALO BILLS
A Few Fast Facts About The Bills
- Drafting Lee Evans on your fantasy team is a sure-fire way to get a steel-toed dick kicking each and every week. And your balls with be placed on a tee for said booting.
- The Bills were 4-1 last year in games where Marshawn Lynch ran for more than 91.44 meters.
- Donte Whitner has guaranteed that the Bills will make the playoffs. Naturally he means in the CFL.
- Now that Tim Russert has died, the most famous Bills fan is… the decomposing corpse of Tim Russert!
- Stephen Abootman approves of Ralph Wilson’s plan to bring Canadia more money.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 7.5 wins
Verdict: Under
Nice try, Vegas. The Bills flirted with contention for a few weeks last year before losing five out of their last seven games and finishing 7-9. You’d think with a few breaks this year, coupled with the fact that they’ll be playing four games against the NFC West, and they could make the jump to 8-8. But the yearlong QB controversy between Trent Edwards and J.P. Losman should keep NFL fans glued to the sets for 10, maybe 15 seconds.
MIAMI DOLPHINS
A Few Fast Facts About The Dolphins
- Ronnie Brown hopesw to bounce back from last year’s injury with an even more career-threatening one this year.
- They’re bringing Quincy Carter in for a try-out this week. If he does well, he could be coveted roster spot as Ricky Williams pot supplier. Careful, Miami: he skims.
- Joey Porter requests time away from the field to solve the Bay Harbor Butcher case on his own.
- Parcells has also shown interest in bringing in Terry Glenn. Because some women you just never get over.
- Tony Sparano would tah reiterate what a huge fucking pleasure it is tah have young talent the fucking likes of Jake Long on this here fucking team. Anyone who says otherwise could kind themselves with a bit of a conflict on their hands, capische?
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 5.5 wins
Verdict: Under
Whoa whoa whoa. Sure, they’ll probably improve over their 1-15 campaign of last year, but let’s not go nuts, okay? I mean six wins is asking a lot. That’s like almost Bears-level sucking. And the Dolphins haven’t quite reached that plateau of suck. I’d say Chiefs-level suckage is attainable this season.
THE 18-1 EIGHTEENANDONES
A Few Fast Facts About The Patriots
- Junior Seau gleaned from the latest Indiana Jones movie that he too could be serviceably mediocre well into his 90s.
- Feeling betrayed by helmets everywhere, Rodney Harrison only vows to hit people not wearing them.
- In accordance with the terms of his contract, Wes Welker did not spend any time in the sun over the summer, so as to ensure the the purity of his milky whiteness.
- There’s a lot of pressure on the Patriots this season. Not just to rebound from last year’s disappointment, but as it states in the New England Sports Fan Charter, if any local team should go five years without winning a title, all acknowledgment of said team’s existence will be vehemently refuted, ya fackin’ daaahkie lovin’ shitbawx!
- It should come as a shock to no one who sees the Bill Belichick sex tape that he is not circumcised. Or that the extra skin is gray and made of a thick cotton material.
- Let’s just say the Commonwealth (gay) of Massachusetts is about to be owned outright by Visa.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 12 wins
Verdict: Over
Only the fucking Patriots could have a perfect regular season and wind up with the league’s easiest schedule the following season. Some might say it’s collusion but [whisked away from keyboard by NFL goons] there isn’t even the slightest trace of impropriety in the way the schedule is drawn up. I, for one, look forward to the inimitable excitement and pageantry only found in the National Football League.
NEW YORK JETS
A Few Fast Facts About The Jets
- Your tits must be as large as Mangini’s if you wish to display them at the Meadowlands.
- The Jets are deciding their starting QB by coin flip. Harvey Dent approves.
- Still think Alan Faneca is the best guard in football? Congratulations, you haven’t watched a game since 2005.
- Speaking of 2005, Kris Jenkins had already passed his brief prime by then. Great free agent class, New York!
- Like Braves first baseman Casey Kotchman, Jerricho Cotchery has people immaturely snicker at his name. But because he’s black, he can get people to stop.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 7.5 wins
Verdict: Over
Drew made a big deal about caling the Jets as his surprise playoff team for this year and maybe they would be if they were in the fucking NFC. Still, other than the Pats, they reside in a division where 8-8 seems within the realm of possibility. Unless, of course, they land Brett Favre. Then they’ll have no fucking prayer at all.
Tags: KSK 2008 NFL Prekkake, xmas ape
July 31st, 2008 at 5:11 pm
am i right that only 2 teams so far have been picked to go over .500? is that even possible? im looking forward to a lot of mediocrity this year!
July 31st, 2008 at 5:13 pm
cough** cough** damn
Hey now, the bills will make the playoffs and they will beat the Patriots once this season. Trent Edwards will get hurt and J.P will step up in his contract year and win 10 games for the bills…
cough** cough** “this is some good shit Quincy”
“damn, im freaking high as a kite right now. what did you put in this shit?”
“did i really say the bills would make the playoffs?”
July 31st, 2008 at 5:19 pm
Watch out for Ricky Williams this year. The cops are so focused on pharmacutical drugs right now the cost of good pot is way low… he is going to be so high he wont feel a thing on the field
July 31st, 2008 at 5:28 pm
“serviceably mediocre” is the nicest thing i’ve ever heard anyone say about the new indiana jones movie.
July 31st, 2008 at 5:36 pm
The NFL schedule makers make the NBA andVince McMahon look legit
July 31st, 2008 at 5:56 pm
The words “Jets” and “playoffs” do not belong in the same sentence (this year, anyway).
July 31st, 2008 at 5:57 pm
Quincy Carter sells pot to the Titans?
July 31st, 2008 at 6:04 pm
Which NFL division will be this year’s leader in scandalous substance abuse? Vegas likes the NFC North.
July 31st, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Your tits must be as large as Mangini’s if you wish to display them at the Meadowlands.
Phew! Good thing the Irish play Navy in Baltimore this year instead of at the Meadowlands….
July 31st, 2008 at 6:24 pm
18-1 goes 19-0 in 2008.
July 31st, 2008 at 6:25 pm
Which NFL division will be this year’s leader in scandalous substance abuse? Vegas likes the NFC North.
Jared Allen’s arrival tipped the odds.
July 31st, 2008 at 6:35 pm
@Otto Man
NFC North for substance-related crimes leader this season is the sexy Vegas pick, but the AFC will probably lock that one up. As for spousal abuse and and vehicular manslaughter, it’s NFC all the way.
July 31st, 2008 at 6:50 pm
18-1 goes 19-0 in 2008.
And if they don’t, fuck em! You still have the Sawx.
July 31st, 2008 at 6:56 pm
The Patriots lost a game last season? Huh, musta’ missed it. Please will some New England fan give me a re-cap of this game?… don’t spare the details.
July 31st, 2008 at 7:14 pm
@Mike Daly
Are you Tawmee? Your blog makes me think you feah the dahkies.
July 31st, 2008 at 7:20 pm
@Mike Daly
sorry to say you’ve already lost one in 2008
/not sorry
July 31st, 2008 at 7:34 pm
Ok, It’s pile on time.
@Mike Daley
18-1 will now and for all time be 18-1, it’s in the books…forever. 19-0 this season will not erase 18-1. Live with it or don’t, no one here cares.
/love/hates that nfc team in ny
July 31st, 2008 at 7:51 pm
OK, one comment/question per team
Bills – If JP Losman loses his job, can he follow the other players to Europe and get paid in European dollars?
Dolphins – Looking back, do they not regret drafting Brady Quinn? He’d have been a big hit in South Beach!
Patriots – Just wondering if the taste of choke has faded at all.
Jets – Thanks for Jonathan Vilma. (It’s like both NYC teams decided to help the Saints!)
July 31st, 2008 at 7:51 pm
@ cumpidgeon – they better hope ricky can’t feel anything since he lasted all of 6 carries last season.
@ Mike Daly – is it hard to type while wearing a white hood and robe?
July 31st, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Bills win 10 and lose in the first round. Edwards is going to be just dandy. Beast mode is now hit and run mode, so no one will catch him.
July 31st, 2008 at 10:58 pm
“The Steelers today signed veteran kick returner Eddie Drummond.” Have fun with that albatross of suck.
Love,
chiefs-level suckage
July 31st, 2008 at 11:18 pm
Eddie Drummond- wasn’t that Arnold, Willis and Kimberly’s Dad?
July 31st, 2008 at 11:26 pm
i would have the bills right around 7-9, maybe 8-8 if they luck out with injuries. the jets….eh….6-10 sounds right. dolphins will suck, who knows how bad, who cares? pats will be good again, how good will depend on injuries.
and the schedule making isnt fixed, they rotate which divisions play each other. the only thing determined by the league is 2 games for each team, which for NE just coincidently happen to be indy and pittsburgh.
July 31st, 2008 at 11:43 pm
@ ognihs >> @ Mike Daly – is it hard to type while wearing a white hood and robe?
It is only hard to type when it is his turn to carry the torch.
/racist tag notwithstanding
August 1st, 2008 at 7:47 am
Are you Tawmee? Your blog makes me think you feah the dahkies.
Seriously. Way to dispel all those charges that Pats fans are racist morons, Mikey.
August 1st, 2008 at 9:39 am
Good Luck NFL, the tast of choke is still there. Massholes Unite
August 1st, 2008 at 9:52 am
@Mike Daly: Are you Tawmee? Your blog makes me think you feah the dahkies.
Man o man, that is the saddest blog I’ve ever seen. The posts are nothing but right-wing rants about Obama, and there’s not a single comment. From anyone.
I guess with a title like “Musings from MonkeesFan” it’s hard to draw much interest.
Pity, sure. But interest? Not so much.
August 1st, 2008 at 9:58 am
beast mode is now hit and run mode was just priceless.
bills make the play-offs, by the simple fact that fans of all teams across the country will disembowel themselves if they have to hear Berman et al chanting J-E-T-S, jetsjetsjets come postseason.
and its misleading when everyone goes on and on about the Pats having the easiest schedule. They still have to play the biggest dogs of the AFC (SD, Indy, etc) it’s just when 4 of your games come against division opponents who managed to win 4 and 1 game respectively, it sort of brings the opponents winning percentage way down (and adding the NFC West doesn’t improve matters either), and that is what everyone is basing this ‘easiest schedule’ on.
besides all that will get thrown out the window once the season starts because shockingly teams don’t perform the same way they did the previous year. although if any year were to end up that way, can it be this year? I’d love to see the Pats go undefeated and lose the superbowl for a second straight season.
August 1st, 2008 at 10:01 am
Ok, It’s pile on time.
OK, Mike Daly – assuming that’s your real name since all Pats fans somehow have no imagination with their choice of monikers. So how can you cheer “Yanks Sack” when you’re wearing a Yankee hat to a Pats game? Enlighten us with your Klan wisdom.
August 1st, 2008 at 10:01 am
Just love the italics maaaaan.
August 1st, 2008 at 11:04 am
How can he be racist? He said he’s a fan of monkeys.
Oh, right.
August 1st, 2008 at 11:09 am
Mike Daly, just a man trying to get traffic up on his lame ass masshole blog. 18-1 bwahahahahahahahahaha. You suck brady’s weiner just like the undead do. fag. god I hate people from new england. get molested.
August 1st, 2008 at 11:43 am
@kool aid, the league doesn’t even determine those two games. You play the other afc teams who finished in the same place in their division as you did. Patriots finished 1st, so they play the 1st place teams in the afc north and south (indy and pittsburgh) Bills finished second, so they play the second place teams (cleveland and jacksonville) and so on and so forth.
/dick joke
August 1st, 2008 at 12:02 pm
hey, Eddie Drummond doesn’t suck.
signed
Matty Millen
http://www.collegefastbreak.com/
http://www.firemillen.com/
August 1st, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Hold on.
Barack Obama is black?
August 1st, 2008 at 1:20 pm
@Reggie Bush’ Pimp
Is that a Saints fan with hope? Let us all know when your franchise’s proudest moment is anything other than tasting the ass of the Bears in the NFC Championship a couple years ago.
August 1st, 2008 at 5:22 pm
@ doggfather i didnt know that but that proves my point further. thanks man