‘Just Make It Look Like An Accident’
FAT GUY IN TRACK SUIT [in booth eating pizza]: You Jimmy?
JIMMY: Yeah.
FAT GUY: Yeah, that’s some hat, kid. Ah, what the hey. Siddown, why doncha?
JIMMY: Thanks. [sits down]
FAT GUY: Here, have a slice. Four cheeses on this pie. Best in the state. Fuggetaboutit. Hey, Jimmy. Jimmy, don’t look so nervous, eh? Come on, Jimmy, have a slice.
JIMMY: I’m alright. Thanks.
FAT GUY: So, uh, you need some taking care of someone in your organization? That’s what our mutual friend said to me. So who we lookin’ at here?
JIMMY: So you guys? You, uh, k–
FAT GUY: Shhhshhh, Jimmy. Do me a favor and shuddafuggup, okay? We don’t use that word. We take care of people. You know, like an escort service. ONLY THEY’RE THE ONES THAT GET BLASTED!!! [slaps table] HAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHA!
JIMMY: Haha, yeah, that wasn’t really funny…
FAT GUY: I can see you’re really nervous, Jimmy. And let me tell you somethin, okay? Some people…they just deserve it. We don’t ask questions, we just make your life easier…for a price. Now come on, eat some pie.
JIMMY: No, really. I’m good.
FAT GUY: It’s delicious. Four cheeses.
JIMMY: No.
FAT GUY: [cocks gun under the table] Eat it.
[Jimmy takes a slice and eats it]
Alright, alright, no more funny stuff. Down to business. So what’s the occasion? The UPS man fuckin’ your wife? Somebody makin’ trouble near yo’ residence? Who’s the man o’ the hour?
JIMMY: [pulls out photo] This guy…
FAT GUY: I see. Well, a person of this high profile is going to cost a little extra.
JIMMY: I don’t care. This might be the only way I, uh, I mean Aaron gets to play.
FAT GUY: Alright, the final price tag is gonna be–
[door flies open]
T. J. HOUSHMANZADEH: Hey.
FAT GUY: What the fuck do you want?
JIMMY: Get out of here!
T. J. HOUSHMANZADEH: Aaron Rodgers. You play for the Red Wings, right?
AARON RODGERS: No, I’m Jimmy. I’m–
T. J. HOUSHMANZADEH: Do you have anything to drink?
FAT GUY: I’m gettin’ outta here. [gets up and leaves]
AARON: Thanks a lot, you Persian fuck. I just went through all of this for nothing.
T. J. HOUSHMANZADEH: Okay, bye.
Tags: Aaron Rodgers, bad MS Paint, Contract Killing Sit-downs Gone Awry, FUCK YOU BRETT FAVRE, Italian stereotypes, MMP, T.J. Houshmanzadeh
July 30th, 2008 at 9:42 am
You’d think a guy who already had Jack Abramoff wacked would be more experienced at this kind of thing.
July 30th, 2008 at 9:42 am
Jeez Punte, that’s….huh…that’s…
…..
….
OK, I’m lost now and can’t think of a damn thing to say. What is this?
July 30th, 2008 at 9:46 am
BTW, please don’t make me look at Brett Favre’s tear-stained face again.
July 30th, 2008 at 9:48 am
Wait… so TJ disturbs all gunslinger hate? I think I get it now… I think…
July 30th, 2008 at 9:48 am
When did this blog turn into “Twin Peaks”?
July 30th, 2008 at 9:58 am
I’m so confused when the door flies open and it’s not Double J or Marmalard.
July 30th, 2008 at 9:59 am
As an Italian I resent that tag.
July 30th, 2008 at 10:02 am
should’ve hired the fetus
July 30th, 2008 at 10:18 am
will somebody just get TJ a goddam drink?
July 30th, 2008 at 10:25 am
This Houshmanzadeh character showing up at the most inopportune times is just troubling. I’m not sure where in the hell this is going, but will someone give this thirsty muthafucka a G2 or something?
July 30th, 2008 at 10:26 am
BTW, Zaffirros is shit. Lisa’s on Oakland is far superior.
July 30th, 2008 at 10:28 am
contract killings gone awry is one of my favorite tags.
July 30th, 2008 at 10:34 am
Does anyone ever gently open a door on KSK? And thats the worst fake-aaron-rogers-photoshop ever! I thought it was one of the baldwins… the one who was in The Shadow only his fqce is contorted like he just got an eggplant up the ass
July 30th, 2008 at 10:39 am
i dont understand what just happened.
July 30th, 2008 at 10:45 am
This post is no Art Monk post.
…oh, we’re not still doing that?
July 30th, 2008 at 10:46 am
Missing tag: “Bad MS Paint”
Always one of my faves.
July 30th, 2008 at 11:12 am
… So Tj is the new omnipresent character? Whenever a bit’s missing its conclusion, bring in Houshmanzilla?
July 30th, 2008 at 11:15 am
I got nothing.
July 30th, 2008 at 11:19 am
Better new T-shirt idea: “Do you have anything to drink?” or “Okay, bye”?
July 30th, 2008 at 11:24 am
“Who are you, who are you, who are you?”
“Why, I own this delicatessen.”
July 30th, 2008 at 11:30 am
That Persian fuck is now my sworn enemy.
We were *this* close to getting someone of a gunslinging nature blasted.
\Unless I can get him in the 5th round next month, then we’re cool.
July 30th, 2008 at 11:55 am
Err yeah, what TR said
July 30th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
Uh … do what now?
July 30th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
what the fuck just happened there?
@ cumpidgeon – i thought rodgers was eric roberts
July 30th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Funniest post ever.
July 30th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
T. J. HOUSHMANZADEH: Aaron Rodgers. You play for the Red Wings, right?
Either i am high or that was the funniest thing i read.
July 30th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
I guess T.J. isn’t livin’ the G2 Life.
July 30th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
[...] Just make it look like an accident. (Kissing Suzy Kolber) [...]
July 30th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
The two posts with TJ showing up apropos of nothing are two of my favorite posts of all time. I laughed my ass off at both of them. Much respect to you, MMP.
July 30th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
Hmmm…I figured someone would have gotten creative with the creepy paintball tournament photo of Rodgers off the Packers’ website by now. You’d think Aaron-Rodgers-with-a-gun would be comedy gold…..
July 31st, 2008 at 6:33 am
Nice mullet on the Red Wings guy.
July 31st, 2008 at 7:06 pm
Zaffiro’s kicks ass if you like your pizza to taste like a cigarette butt. Lisa’s tastes much more pizza-like. Still, it’s overrated. Pizza Man is better.
July 31st, 2008 at 10:28 pm
Lisas is awesome, Zaffiros is okay, Pizza man is pretty good, Pizza shuttle is horse shit, Calderone club is awesome as well. I really want to know why this persian fuck keeps popping up. Just start making a story and need a way to kill it?