‘Just Make It Look Like An Accident’
07.30.08
FAT GUY IN TRACK SUIT [in booth eating pizza]: You Jimmy?
JIMMY: Yeah.
FAT GUY: Yeah, that’s some hat, kid. Ah, what the hey. Siddown, why doncha?
JIMMY: Thanks. [sits down]
FAT GUY: Here, have a slice. Four cheeses on this pie. Best in the state. Fuggetaboutit. Hey, Jimmy. Jimmy, don’t look so nervous, eh? Come on, Jimmy, have a slice.
JIMMY: I’m alright. Thanks.
FAT GUY: So, uh, you need some taking care of someone in your organization? That’s what our mutual friend said to me. So who we lookin’ at here?
JIMMY: So you guys? You, uh, k–
FAT GUY: Shhhshhh, Jimmy. Do me a favor and shuddafuggup, okay? We don’t use that word. We take care of people. You know, like an escort service. ONLY THEY’RE THE ONES THAT GET BLASTED!!! [slaps table] HAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHA!
JIMMY: Haha, yeah, that wasn’t really funny…
FAT GUY: I can see you’re really nervous, Jimmy. And let me tell you somethin, okay? Some people…they just deserve it. We don’t ask questions, we just make your life easier…for a price. Now come on, eat some pie.
JIMMY: No, really. I’m good.
FAT GUY: It’s delicious. Four cheeses.
JIMMY: No.
FAT GUY: [cocks gun under the table] Eat it.
[Jimmy takes a slice and eats it]
Alright, alright, no more funny stuff. Down to business. So what’s the occasion? The UPS man fuckin’ your wife? Somebody makin’ trouble near yo’ residence? Who’s the man o’ the hour?
JIMMY: [pulls out photo] This guy…
FAT GUY: I see. Well, a person of this high profile is going to cost a little extra.
JIMMY: I don’t care. This might be the only way I, uh, I mean Aaron gets to play.
FAT GUY: Alright, the final price tag is gonna be–
[door flies open]
T. J. HOUSHMANZADEH: Hey.
FAT GUY: What the fuck do you want?
JIMMY: Get out of here!
T. J. HOUSHMANZADEH: Aaron Rodgers. You play for the Red Wings, right?
AARON RODGERS: No, I’m Jimmy. I’m–
T. J. HOUSHMANZADEH: Do you have anything to drink?
FAT GUY: I’m gettin’ outta here. [gets up and leaves]
AARON: Thanks a lot, you Persian fuck. I just went through all of this for nothing.
T. J. HOUSHMANZADEH: Okay, bye.
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Circuits, Circuits, Circuits so much to know, so little time.
Lisas is awesome, Zaffiros is okay, Pizza man is pretty good, Pizza shuttle is horse shit, Calderone club is awesome as well. I really want to know why this persian fuck keeps popping up. Just start making a story and need a way to kill it?
Zaffiro’s kicks ass if you like your pizza to taste like a cigarette butt. Lisa’s tastes much more pizza-like. Still, it’s overrated. Pizza Man is better.
Nice mullet on the Red Wings guy.
Hmmm…I figured someone would have gotten creative with the creepy paintball tournament photo of Rodgers off the Packers’ website by now. You’d think Aaron-Rodgers-with-a-gun would be comedy gold…..
The two posts with TJ showing up apropos of nothing are two of my favorite posts of all time. I laughed my ass off at both of them. Much respect to you, MMP.
I guess T.J. isn’t livin’ the G2 Life.
T. J. HOUSHMANZADEH: Aaron Rodgers. You play for the Red Wings, right?
Either i am high or that was the funniest thing i read.
Funniest post ever.
what the fuck just happened there?
@ cumpidgeon – i thought rodgers was eric roberts
Uh … do what now?
Err yeah, what TR said
That Persian fuck is now my sworn enemy.
We were *this* close to getting someone of a gunslinging nature blasted.
\Unless I can get him in the 5th round next month, then we’re cool.
“Who are you, who are you, who are you?”
“Why, I own this delicatessen.”
Better new T-shirt idea: “Do you have anything to drink?” or “Okay, bye”?
I got nothing.
… So Tj is the new omnipresent character? Whenever a bit’s missing its conclusion, bring in Houshmanzilla?
Missing tag: “Bad MS Paint”
Always one of my faves.
This post is no Art Monk post.
…oh, we’re not still doing that?
i dont understand what just happened.
Does anyone ever gently open a door on KSK? And thats the worst fake-aaron-rogers-photoshop ever! I thought it was one of the baldwins… the one who was in The Shadow only his fqce is contorted like he just got an eggplant up the ass
contract killings gone awry is one of my favorite tags.
BTW, Zaffirros is shit. Lisa’s on Oakland is far superior.
This Houshmanzadeh character showing up at the most inopportune times is just troubling. I’m not sure where in the hell this is going, but will someone give this thirsty muthafucka a G2 or something?
will somebody just get TJ a goddam drink?
should’ve hired the fetus
As an Italian I resent that tag.
I’m so confused when the door flies open and it’s not Double J or Marmalard.
When did this blog turn into “Twin Peaks”?
Wait… so TJ disturbs all gunslinger hate? I think I get it now… I think…
BTW, please don’t make me look at Brett Favre’s tear-stained face again.
Jeez Punte, that’s….huh…that’s…
…..
….
OK, I’m lost now and can’t think of a damn thing to say. What is this?
You’d think a guy who already had Jack Abramoff wacked would be more experienced at this kind of thing.