Jesus Of Nazareth Would Like Brett Favre To Go To Hell
Oh hello. I’m Jesus of Nazareth. Son of God. Bringer of Light. Emissary of His will on Earth. And I’d like just to say that Brett Favre deserves to eat shit and burn in Hell.
Oh, you want to unretire now, shitdick? Well, I say TOUGH TITTY. Two thousand years ago, I was forced to choose between being a mortal man and being the son of God. And I had to make that choice while I was nailed to a fucking cross with crows snacking on my eyelids. Did I hem and haw like a little bitch? FUCK AND NO. I bit the bullet and went for Door number 2. Am I happy with my choice? Good God, no. I chose being the son of God because being a mortal man in 33 A.Me sucked. Everyone smelled. The food was awful. I slept on HAY, for shit’s sake.
But do you see me getting all whiny about the path I chose? No. Know why? CAUSE I’M A FUCKIN MAN.
So you wanna play for the Vikings now, asshole? Well, Daddy already picked a Chosen One on their squad. So get bent. If you do manage to go turn that team into a goddamn soap opera, I got a radical new throw for you. It’s called a pitch-out. Give the ball to that fucker in the backfield who can run through an ice floe.
Otherwise, you can suck my holy balls.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, going to hell, messages from Jesus, obligatory Favre post, sermon on her mount, time for a nap
July 12th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
Raptor Jesus >>>>> Regular Jesus >>>>>>>>>Brett Favre
http://raptorjesus.net/
July 12th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
That’s restaurant-quality blasphemy.
July 12th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
Can Jesus H. Christ take His own Name in vain? And by the way, what does His H middle initial stand for?
July 12th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
If the bible read like that I’d run to church every Sunday.
July 12th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
I bit the bullet and went for Door number 2.
So Jesus WAS a queer.
July 12th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
… and prevent his three-year backup Aaron Rodgers — who Favre does not want to screw –
So Favre isn’t a queer. Or just isn’t into cavemen.
July 12th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Seriously, has any player ever been allowed to hold a franchise hostage quite like Brett Favre?
All praise be to Raptor Jesus.
July 12th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
I vote Farve for the new Job.
July 12th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
I would publicly like to agree with Jesus for perhaps the first time in my life, and would like to thank him for holding his comments until after Sexy Friday. Oddly, I had a conversation a few days ago in which I referred to Aaron Rodgers’ pre-haircut look as “Jesus-Goes-To-Starbucks.” Who knew?
(disclaimer: I can look at middle-aged rednecks all day where I live, but young scruffy boys with nice asses are thin on the ground…so I may be looking at this Packers thing through dirty-old-lady glasses here)
Brett…go mow the lawn. Please.
July 12th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
If there were no NFL, Brett Favre would just retire and unretire for free.
July 12th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
What do you know about Jesus, BDD?
July 12th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/tag/going-to-hell
Sounds about right.
Honestly this is awful. I’ll never come to this site again. Make a mockery of the creator? I don’t think of myself as an overly religious person, but this is just terrible. Doesn’t it give you the creeps to make fun of the Lord, Drew? It’s so sad.
You’re such a piece of trash. You’re everything thats wrong with the world today and the internet and the culture we’re living in. You obviously don’t believe in Jesus but if you believe in Karma, I feel bad for you.
July 12th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
You’re all sinners.
July 12th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
No shit, Sherlock.
July 12th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Wait, Jesus is the creator? I was under the impression that it was some random puddle of goo several hundred million years ago.
Well, so much for my world view.
July 12th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Any higher being that created the platypus has a sense of humor. Although God probably did that to screw with Darwin.
Can I start referring to Tavaris Jackson as “the Chosen One?” Although, seriously: the Vikings have a kick-ass defensive line, some competent wide receivers, and an erratic quarterback. Which is pretty much what the Giants have. If Elisha can win the Super Bowl, so can Tavaris Jackson.
July 12th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
@ Drew The Devil — We’re gonna miss you……………NOT
it’s saturday, confession is at 4pm before 5pm Mass. See you there.
July 12th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
Seriously though… sacrilegious jokes are only acceptable on the three days between Good Friday and Easter. Because Jesus was dead then and therefore couldn’t say anything.
/I mean, Good Sexy Friday
July 12th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
Between Judaism, all the multitudinous Christian sects, Islam and KSK dictates, we’ve got the Sabbath covered from Friday all the way through Sunday. Take it easy, ye bastards, and toileth not on ye Sabbath.
July 12th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Nobody fucks with the Jesus!
Seriously though, God is Kevin Spacey gay
July 12th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
I don’t think of myself as an overly religious person, but this is just terrible.
And I don’t think of myself as an alcoholic but the cirrhosis tells me otherwise.
Praise be to Purple Jesus.
July 12th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Jesus was always my favorite guest panelist on ATH.
now where was that photo of Jesus at a bar with his busty summer intern?
July 12th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Drew you’re still a piece of shit and this confirms your reservation in hell. Fuckin dork.
July 12th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
Damn Drew, I don’t know how you managed to piss people off on a Saturday.
+1 I guess.
July 12th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
We need reservations for Hell?
Well, lah-dee-dah, Mr. Satan.
July 12th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
yeah i know he’s not jesus and all… but can we still crucify brett favre?
July 12th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
@ DREW THE DEVIL
Wow, way to get all bent out of shape over something that isn’t even real. You clearly have your priorities straight.
July 12th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
Order of beings:
Christian: Protestant
Catholic
Buddhist
Hindu
Dog
Jewish
Muslim
Cat
Shit
Drew Magary
July 12th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
1. Dana Jacobsen thinks this was weak sauce.
2. Favre is just the epitome of what is wrong with this country: the goddamn baby-boomers won’t fucking retire and let the younger generation get a fucking job. If the old fuckers would just hang up their hat, the rest of the youth wouldn’t have to hold clipboards and do shit jobs until their mid-20s.
July 12th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
[...] you can suck my holy balls. ~ Big Daddy Drew, Kissing Suzy Kolber, Jesus Of Nazareth Would Like Brett Favre To Go To Hell, [...]
July 12th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
I thought Eli was the chosen one? How else do you explain the Giants winning the Super Bowl?
And what about Super Jesus? What are his thoughts on Favre?
July 12th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
Favre is no Jesus, but Rodgers is Jeepers Creepers Semi-Star.
July 12th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
Say what you will about Drew, but I am a Jew and I believe I’m on equal footing with dogs.
July 12th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
So, lemme get this straight…
Dick jokes: Absolutely. Dicks are funny.
T&A: Fuck yes. And please. Every goddamn day, if possible.
Douchebag one-liners: Uh-huh. some people just deserve it.
A Rittre Lacism: Sure, why not? It’s all in fun, right?
Jesus tells Brett Favre to eat shit: AAIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! :::sound of torches being lit as heads explode:::
It’s just a theological conundrum, innit?
July 12th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Note to outback/Oscar the Grouch:
If you’re going to try and pretend to be two different people, you should change the URL in your commenter name.
Oh, and at least one of your alter egos should get a sense of humor.
July 12th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
@UM what do the royals have to do with this?
“DeJesus Saves”
July 12th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
first time a true packer fan has ever said it….”I hate Brett Favre”
July 12th, 2008 at 8:21 pm
Where did I put my fire and brimstone?
July 12th, 2008 at 8:50 pm
I am Jesus Christ and I approve this message.
July 12th, 2008 at 8:51 pm
i come for the cheerleader posts, i stay for the blasphemy
/pun not intended
//okay pun intended
July 12th, 2008 at 10:06 pm
There should be a third picture up there: Jesus, Not Jesus, AND Purple Jesus. Can we get future dialogue amongst these three, please?
…
Drew’s post is blasphemous for depicting a Jesus that does not forgive. And clearly a joke.
But isn’t “DREW THE DEVIL” poster even more wrong than Drew the devil for not forgiving the blasphemer?
/only Hitler would take “Jesus vs. Favre” seriously
July 12th, 2008 at 10:30 pm
Sorry but using Jesus in jokes is crossing the line, just like dressing up as Jesus for Halloween is wrong. Drew is a sacreligious prick and I bet he’d admit it.
July 12th, 2008 at 10:33 pm
So this one time I was hanging around atop this hill…
July 12th, 2008 at 10:36 pm
Well, look at the bright side…this unretirement hokey-pokey is a good excuse to invent new drinking games. I got totally stewed during NFLTA tonight. NotJesus sniffles? I drink. Cries like a drunk high school girl at graduation? Double shot. Makes a thinly-veiled-in-hindsight comeback comment? Pound it.
There’s a million ways to turn this trainwreck into a good bender, and that’s a good thing, because my Packers-and-Steelers-lovin’ ass sure as hell picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue………………..
July 12th, 2008 at 10:42 pm
Why the fuck go to the Vikings?
July 12th, 2008 at 10:42 pm
Wow Drew you managed to piss a lot of people off, way to go.
Jesus H. Crist..Loved the I approve this message comment
July 12th, 2008 at 11:01 pm
Whoa, widescreen!
July 12th, 2008 at 11:10 pm
Oscar said:”Sorry but using Jesus in jokes is crossing the line”
In my opinion, it’s only crossing the line if Drew declares himself the Fifth Gospel and says that the above message is the word of God. And then invading Poland.
Also crossing the line: Randomly stabbing people because Jesus told me to.
July 12th, 2008 at 11:50 pm
we all know that Jesus really is a Lions fan
/jon kitna
July 13th, 2008 at 12:25 am
You should hear his riff on the Holy Virgin — what a slut!
July 13th, 2008 at 12:27 am
@Oscar the Grouch
Just got off the phone with Jesus. He says you’re a bigger douchebag than Favre and Brady combined.
July 13th, 2008 at 12:30 am
DEVIL, Oscar, etc.:
Look, Drew is an exceptionally humorous, gifted writer who regularly goes places few will. Yeah, this is one of those occasions. I don’t particularly care for it this time, but so what? It’s not like he cares.
God’s a big God. He doesn’t need you sticking up for Him by calling people trash and making fools out of those of us (including yourselves?) who believe. Get off the high-horse, humble yourself and if you’re that ticked, don’t read it and don’t comment multiple times.
/Body part joke?
//Take a hike, Bretty
July 13th, 2008 at 12:39 am
As a Jew. I approve this message.
I swear to God, if Manning does this when he retires, I’ll be pissed.
July 13th, 2008 at 1:51 am
Oscar & DEVIL, juuuuuust curious (I thought Drew had an off day here and with all the lightning outside I’m not going to say anything inflammatory lest I be strucked and kilt)
Is it just because it’s specifically JESUS or are you lobbying for the non-involvement of all deities? If this was “Allah” or “Buddha” or “Zeus” or “Krishna” or “Vishnu” or “Superman” would you have said jack squattery? Because no matter what you try to backtrack with, I think that you would not. If you’re going to get all hypocritical because BDD offended you, you’re not allowed to laugh at anything ever again. There are many millions of people in the world who think jokes about racism, sexism, and criminal behavior are just as bad if not worse than talking about Jesus, whom about 1/3 of the world believes in, 1/3 of the world does not, and 1/3 of the world has no fucking clue who the guy is at all. If you were ever on this site before today and had a good chuckle, guess what? You’re a big fucking hypocrite my good man.
Of course, if you’re simply a God-squadder Googling “Jesus” daily to see what new and exciting info you can find on the subject, and happened to run into KSK today with virgin eyes, well…uh, onward Christian soldier. Piss off regardless.
EITHER ALL OF IT IS OKAY OR NONE OF IT IS. PICK A SIDE.
July 13th, 2008 at 1:58 am
By the way, Drew, I would have used “Buddy Christ” for the header pick. People are a lot more tolerant of blasphemy when they’re getting a thumbs-up from the ol’ JC.
July 13th, 2008 at 2:18 am
I’m Irish Catholic, and this was funny. If you’re so offended on God’s behalf, you might recall that humans were given intellect, humor, and free will with which to enjoy our lives on Earth. Unfortunately, it seems DREW THE DEVIL and Oscar the Grouch weren’t blessed with those first and second qualities.
@mamacita: Mary really stuck to her story, eh?
July 13th, 2008 at 3:18 am
Jesus was a goddamned Jew. Who cares what he has to say?
July 13th, 2008 at 4:01 am
I am Hindu, and Krishna & Vishnu and all my 100 Deities thinks Favre is a douchebag
July 13th, 2008 at 4:43 am
@smurphette — Mary had everybody snowed.
I’m a Rastafarian, and Rasta thinks these new commenters are douchebags.
July 13th, 2008 at 9:48 am
what’s the difference between me and a picture of me?
it only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
July 13th, 2008 at 9:57 am
Jesus finds a small crowd who has surrounded a young woman they believed to be a prostitute. They are preparing to stone her to death. To diffuse the situation, Jesus says: “Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone.” Suddenly, an old lady at the back of the crowd picks up a rock and scores a direct hit on the woman’s head, breaking her skull and rendering her dead on the spot. Jesus frowns and looks over at the old lady: “Do you know, Mother, sometimes you really piss me off.”
July 13th, 2008 at 11:24 am
There’s a guy named Jesus who owns a taqueria in my neighborhood. Sometimes I find myself in a predicament and I ask “what would Jesus the taco guy do?”. He’d make me a carne asada with red sauce and give me a Pacifico while I’m waiting.
July 13th, 2008 at 11:27 am
We’ve been talking a lot about blasphemy. What about heresy?
July 13th, 2008 at 11:29 am
I thought that this site was free of the long reach of the evangelical movement, but here we sit, I guess.
//Looking for real estate in Belgium.
July 13th, 2008 at 11:32 am
Wait, being Jesus for Halloween is bad? Uh, what if you’re God?
No reason, just curious.
July 13th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Come my sons and daughters, rejoice in the word of God
July 13th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Also, this is how fucked in the head a lot of Evangelical fascists are, they forget that JC was a Jew, so when shitboxes like Oscar but jews underneath dogs on his “offensive” “order of beings list” they ought to take a break from their superchurch and re-evaluate their goals. If we previously decided on this site that Pat Tillman’s death was open to a humurous reference or two, then so is this.
Get a sense of humor, read a book (other than THAT one) and take a class somewhere other than Bob Jones U or BYU.
July 13th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Favre to Vikings = PURPLE JUDAS
July 13th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
Sorry, I shouldn’t comment while angry and sans cafe’.
July 13th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Δ What’s wrong with princess?
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July 13th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Sorry but using Jesus in jokes is crossing the line, just like dressing up as Jesus for Halloween is wrong.
Also wrong? Thinking for yourself, science and reason.
July 13th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
We’ve been talking a lot about blasphemy. What about heresy?
I heard dinosaur fossils were put there by God just to mess with us.
July 13th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
@ TR
“I heard dinosaur fossils were put there by God just to mess with us”.
I heard it was the Devil that did that thing with dinosaur bones. Anyway, Brett Favre probably has something to do with a Satanic plot in the National Football League. The investigation continues…
July 13th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
We all know dinosaurs don’t exist. Those bones were sent here by the aliens who are holding Elvis hostage.
@Oscar the Grouch & DREW THE DEVIL: Fuck. Off. Don’t you have some kool-aid you need to convince a few hundred people they should be drinking?
July 13th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Greencastle,
princess needs a hangover nap, apologies.
July 13th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
As Bill Hicks said:
You know the world is 12,000 years old and dinosaurs existed, they existed in that time, you’d think it would have been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point.
“And lo Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus … with a splinter in his paw. And O the disciples did run a shriekin’: ‘What a big fucking lizard, Lord!’ But Jesus was unafraid and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus’s paw and the big lizard became his friend.”
July 13th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/tag/going-to-hell
Sounds about right.
Honestly this is awful. I’ll never come to this site again. Make a mockery of the gun-slinger??? I don’t think of myself as an overly fervent Packer fan, but this is just terrible. Doesn’t it give you the creeps to make fun of the leader of the Pack, Drew? It’s so sad.
You’re such a piece of trash. You’re everything that’s wrong with the world today and the internet and the culture we’re living in. You obviously don’t believe in Favre’s greatness but if you believe in Karma, I feel bad for you.
You are all Bears Fans.
July 13th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
I hear ya Tdub.
Oscar does need to be castrated though, for the benefit of society.
July 13th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
You are all Bears Fans.
Now that’s crossing the fucking line.
July 13th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
I’m sorry, should I have said Lions fans? I didn’t think they existed anymore
July 13th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
If Favre doesn’t get torn up by the media for this crap, I will drive to Bristol and light myself on fire in front of ESPN.
July 13th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
I’ll bring the marshmellows
July 13th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
Somewhere, in Wisconsin, a kid just slaughtered a goat with a cheese slicer in the name of Favarro.
July 13th, 2008 at 10:33 pm
[...] Pleading for Brett Favre to leave us all alone. Oh and the Son of God hates you too #4. [...]
July 13th, 2008 at 10:56 pm
@otto man: could you have meant altar egos?
@brrrrat & smurphette: +5 ladies.
as for the itinerant puritans who’ve defiled these hallowed precincts with their sanctimoniousness, i’m reminded of the late justice thurgood marshall’s remark about the fella who sued the NY radio station that broadcast the late george carlin’s 7 dirty words routine: i call that the heart attack case, because that’s the only explanation for why the idiot didn’t change the station [find another site]. the first amendment is about intellectual integrity – an understanding that absolutely nothing is immune from analysis, discussion, or ridicule. beliefs and concepts with staying power will endure. those without will fade. (if history’s any indication, christianity is safe without your vigilance, you pusilanimous cunts.) if you can’t handle that, you’re not only on the wrong fuckin website; you’re in the wrong goddam country.
and for pure soap opera, double j needs to pick up god’s farve-orite quarterback on waivers. sure, romo’s a goddam star. but brett’s a football deity!
July 14th, 2008 at 2:26 am
God, The Greatest Mack of All: Jesus Christ, what on Earth is that?
The Late JC: Don’t take my name in vain, Dad.
God, The Greatest Mack of All: Jeezy Chreezy, what on Earth is that?
The Late JC: Don’t call me Jeezy Chreezy, either!
July 14th, 2008 at 8:29 am
Well played, jujrock.
July 14th, 2008 at 8:45 am
mmmmmm…………..sacrilicious
July 14th, 2008 at 9:02 am
I for one think that Brett Favre has had much more of an impact on my life than Jesus Christ ever could. Not that I’m a big fan of his or anything but, y’know, he actually exists. So that pretty much puts him over the top.
/God, my favorite fictional character
July 14th, 2008 at 9:49 am
1. As a Christian (but since I’m Catholic, I guess I don’t qualify as highly as the super-churchers) I gotta say: Bravo sir. Well played.
2. To the no-humor clowns: Get a life. I think BDD’s point is that Favre has by now pissed off everyone (including the Son of God) with his constant case of happy feet. S**t or get off the pot already!
3. Jesus is great…but he no help with the curveball.
July 14th, 2008 at 10:01 am
PURPLE JUDAS = My new favorite nickname
July 14th, 2008 at 10:41 am
ReFlaWa! ReFlaWa! ReFlaWa! ReFlaWa! ReFlaWa! ReFlaWa!
July 14th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
@ The Lazer
Honestly this is awful. I’ll never come to this site again. Make a mockery of the gun-slinger???
Well played sir. +1
July 14th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Jesus told me to tell you all that He loves you. He’d do it Himself, but He’s been kind of lazy these days.
July 14th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Jesus, the Bringer of Light? I thought it was Lucifer, the Bringer of Light….that being what the name means in Latin.
I might buy Lucifer as Favre’s agent, though.
July 31st, 2008 at 1:06 am
FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING PRICK! I LOVE BRETT FAVRE AND THE PACKERS WILL NEVER BE THE SAME WITHOUT HIM.