I’m Not Even A Fetus Yet, But I Already Hate The Kansas City Chiefs
Look, I know it’s not everyday that you get a lecture from a seven-week old embryo, but I need to get this off my chest. That’s especially because my chest is like one-sixteenth of an inch right now. So just hear me out. And please bear with me as I ramble through this. I don’t have any slides or anything.
I realize I’m not even a fetus yet, but I already hate the Kansas City Chiefs. I realized it right off the bat; there’s no chance I’ll ever think two shits of this organization. Their team is boring, their uniforms are boring, and their city might as well be named Bordopolis. Did you like that? I came up with that yesterday.
I heard someone ask how the Chiefs did in the draft, and not only did I have no clue, I didn’t care. I just don’t understand how…hey, gimme just a sec. There’s something going on over here.
[womb flies open]
T. J. Houshmanzadeh: Hey.
Fetus: Wow, you’re T.J. Houshmanzadeh, aren’t you?
I mean, I think you’re T.J. Houshmanzadeh. You know, I’m not even a fetus yet, but I know a lot about football. A lot about the NFL, really. I’m not really into the college game.
So, what’s up? Did you just get lost on your way to the Pro Bowl? Did they have the Pro Bowl yet? I don’t know these things. I’m not even a fetus yet.
T. J. Houshmanzadeh: …you’re little.
Embryo: Well, yeah, I’m little. I’m a fetus. Well, I’m not a fetus yet. I’m still waiting on some paperwork. But yeah, plus one for you, my friend. You know, I’ve heard that football players aren’t very smart, but you, you seem to have some actual brainpower in that ugly rat-tail holder you call a head.
My word, you’re dark-skinned and ugly. I could literally hear the property value of my womb plummeting the second you popped in here.
T. J. Houshmanzadeh: Oh.
Embryo: Yeah. And thanks for that. I’m really self-conscious about my height, for future reference. Even though I’m not quite a fetus.
[awkward silence]
T. J. Houshmanzadeh: Do you have anything to drink?
Embryo: What?
T. J. Houshmanzadeh: It’s polite to offer your guests something–
Embryo: No, dude, I heard you. Uh, don’t look at this as a racial thing, but all the fluid in here is mine. It’s vital to my development as a human being, something you could use a little tutelage with, apparently. So, I’m afraid I got nothing.
Did you hear me?
Hello?
T. J. Houshmanzadeh: Okay, bye.
[T. J. leaves the womb]
Embryo: What the fuck was that?
July 21st, 2008 at 7:14 am
It’s a well-established fact that the Chiefs made a Satanic pact to beat the Vikings in the 1970 Super Bowl.
July 21st, 2008 at 7:46 am
…yeah, what the fuck was that?
July 21st, 2008 at 7:56 am
It’s a well-established fact that the Chiefs made a Satanic pact to beat the Vikings in the 1970 Super Bowl.
It’s true. Hank Stram wore that carpet sample of a toupee not because he was going bald, but because he needed to hide his horns.
And Punter: Just because formaldehyde is a liquid, that doesn’t mean you should be drinking it. Especially not this early in the morning.
July 21st, 2008 at 8:10 am
“What the fuck was that?” should be a tag unto itself.
Also: is every entry about a Bengals WR going to be this weird?
July 21st, 2008 at 8:18 am
Eli looks great in that photo, by the way.
July 21st, 2008 at 8:18 am
Even as a former fetus myself, I don’t get it.
July 21st, 2008 at 8:24 am
Jeez Punter, thats just wrong.
July 21st, 2008 at 8:45 am
Jeez Punter, that’s just…bizarre…
July 21st, 2008 at 8:54 am
Um … what?
July 21st, 2008 at 8:56 am
Not the way I want to start my Monday morning – I’d rather have a Mammary Monday as a follow up to Sexy Friday – you know, to get things off on the right foot.
/sighs and gets back to work
July 21st, 2008 at 9:00 am
mmmmm…. amniotic fluid.
July 21st, 2008 at 9:07 am
So Punter does a lot of meth, right?
July 21st, 2008 at 9:12 am
Shouldn’t it be Travis Henry entering wombs?
July 21st, 2008 at 9:13 am
When are you gonna put up the second half of that post punte?
July 21st, 2008 at 9:15 am
When are you gonna put up the second half of that post punte?
Ssssh. Punter’s clearly in the middle of a wild, peyote-fueled, vision quest.
Don’t rush him. He knows where he needs to be right now.
July 21st, 2008 at 9:40 am
How about a WTF? tag for this?
And if Punter’s on the peyote, shouldn’t he be chewing the laptop and not surfing the Net?
Or was that just me?
July 21st, 2008 at 9:56 am
Personally…this was exactly what I needed to read this morning. Besides, it’s a smart embryo:
“I’m not really into the college game.”
Now there’s an embryo that knows the difference ‘tween shit and Shine-ola.
July 21st, 2008 at 9:58 am
But, just to pick a nit…wouldn’t it have been more logical for Travis Henry to poke his head in there? You know, to sadly realize that he’s got to abandon yet another uterus?
July 21st, 2008 at 10:06 am
He can also properly pronounce Houshmanzadeh. He’s an articulate little fella.
July 21st, 2008 at 10:07 am
Why would Travis Henry visit his own children?
July 21st, 2008 at 10:13 am
A typically uninformed fetus… doesn’t he know that the Chiefs are now in an embryonic state themselves? I would think that he would root for his own kind. Brodie Croyle’s brain stem is not yet fully developed. Although his wife’s titties are.
July 21st, 2008 at 10:14 am
Clearly a moonshine fueled post if I’ve ever read one. Back away from the computer, go to your kitchen, get some coffee and sober up Punte.
But I do have to say…that’s one smart embryo.
July 21st, 2008 at 10:25 am
@MMPunter: Well, Travis doesn’t leave until he does the uterus check and sees the speck. That way he can get out before the girl even realizes she’s pregnant.
And bad as he is, Travis is no Karl Malone.
July 21st, 2008 at 10:47 am
Isn’t it a little late for your tribute to Jesse Helms?
July 21st, 2008 at 10:49 am
@ Westbrook is my anti-drug
Dude, as a Bengals fan, everything involving Bengals WR’s is this weird. All the time. Haven’t you ever heard Chad talk?
July 21st, 2008 at 10:55 am
im so confused. what the hell just happened?
July 21st, 2008 at 11:00 am
Does the fetus have any thoughts on Obama and McCain? I mean, as long as he/she is weighing in.
July 21st, 2008 at 11:06 am
Punter, is this some weird way of telling us you knocked up your wife?
July 21st, 2008 at 11:19 am
a nightmare fuel tag wouldn’t be inappropriate
July 21st, 2008 at 11:22 am
@ Jim U. – or at least someone did and the picture of the fetus looks like the daddy…… so time to look at the mug shots and who it looks like.
July 21st, 2008 at 11:26 am
I this was a football blog… What’s Sam Cassell doing on here.
Boom goes the dynamite!!!
July 21st, 2008 at 11:31 am
TR Says: “So Punter does a lot of meth, right?”
You would too if you lived in Travelers Rest.
/ducks flying banjo
July 21st, 2008 at 11:37 am
that was awesome. love that he/it already hates the chiefs (and the rest of Kansas city the metropolis), love that he/it is still “waiting on the paperwork” to become a fetus, love that the not quite a fetus is already a NFL but not college football fan, is a unrepentant racist, love that housh is well spoken and inexplicably able to visit wombs.
all in all, good way to salvage the steaming pile that has been my monday work morning.
July 21st, 2008 at 11:37 am
The fetus just wants paid what it deserves man. Gotta feed its family. Umbilical cord ain’t gonna suffice forever.
July 21st, 2008 at 11:49 am
Ahhh, 2port, you’re confusing the fetus with the predator (Latrizzy Sprewell).
July 21st, 2008 at 11:52 am
+1 MMP, we all need our Monday morning depravity to get the week off to a good start.
July 21st, 2008 at 12:17 pm
It looks like a cross between an alien and a chick pea.
July 21st, 2008 at 1:19 pm
fetuses grow up so fast these days
July 21st, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Dan Snyder wants that fetus in a redskins uni this fall, and by god he doesn’t care what it costs. Just get it done!
July 21st, 2008 at 1:29 pm
+1, OzoneRanger. And as a Saints fan who’ll be paying a visit to KC this fall…well done, MMP.
July 21st, 2008 at 3:09 pm
@ozoneRanger
Got a link to pics of said titties? dont be a tease
July 21st, 2008 at 3:37 pm
That T. J. Houshmanzadeh is so rude. Asking for some of not quite a fetus yet’s embrionic fluid. What’s next some of it’s stem cells?
July 21st, 2008 at 5:09 pm
FAIL. Started hot. Ended like a steaming pile of dog shit. Maybe next time Punter.
July 21st, 2008 at 6:06 pm
That really depends on how you feel about dog shit.
July 22nd, 2008 at 4:35 am
WIN. Hot shit.
July 22nd, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Do you have anything to drink?
Total non sequiter. Total genius.