Look, I know it’s not everyday that you get a lecture from a seven-week old embryo, but I need to get this off my chest. That’s especially because my chest is like one-sixteenth of an inch right now. So just hear me out. And please bear with me as I ramble through this. I don’t have any slides or anything.
I realize I’m not even a fetus yet, but I already hate the Kansas City Chiefs. I realized it right off the bat; there’s no chance I’ll ever think two shits of this organization. Their team is boring, their uniforms are boring, and their city might as well be named Bordopolis. Did you like that? I came up with that yesterday.
I heard someone ask how the Chiefs did in the draft, and not only did I have no clue, I didn’t care. I just don’t understand how…hey, gimme just a sec. There’s something going on over here.
[womb flies open]
T. J. Houshmanzadeh: Hey.
Fetus: Wow, you’re T.J. Houshmanzadeh, aren’t you?
I mean, I think you’re T.J. Houshmanzadeh. You know, I’m not even a fetus yet, but I know a lot about football. A lot about the NFL, really. I’m not really into the college game.
So, what’s up? Did you just get lost on your way to the Pro Bowl? Did they have the Pro Bowl yet? I don’t know these things. I’m not even a fetus yet.
T. J. Houshmanzadeh: …you’re little.
Embryo: Well, yeah, I’m little. I’m a fetus. Well, I’m not a fetus yet. I’m still waiting on some paperwork. But yeah, plus one for you, my friend. You know, I’ve heard that football players aren’t very smart, but you, you seem to have some actual brainpower in that ugly rat-tail holder you call a head.
My word, you’re dark-skinned and ugly. I could literally hear the property value of my womb plummeting the second you popped in here.
T. J. Houshmanzadeh: Oh.
Embryo: Yeah. And thanks for that. I’m really self-conscious about my height, for future reference. Even though I’m not quite a fetus.
[awkward silence]
T. J. Houshmanzadeh: Do you have anything to drink?
Embryo: What?
T. J. Houshmanzadeh: It’s polite to offer your guests something–
Embryo: No, dude, I heard you. Uh, don’t look at this as a racial thing, but all the fluid in here is mine. It’s vital to my development as a human being, something you could use a little tutelage with, apparently. So, I’m afraid I got nothing.
Did you hear me?
Hello?
T. J. Houshmanzadeh: Okay, bye.
[T. J. leaves the womb]
Embryo: What the fuck was that?
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2011/08/punte-red-green-burst-650-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2011/07/patrick-willis-shakey-150x150.jpg)
Great information on circuits, I will be using this information in the near future.
Do you have anything to drink?
Total non sequiter. Total genius.
WIN. Hot shit.
That really depends on how you feel about dog shit.
FAIL. Started hot. Ended like a steaming pile of dog shit. Maybe next time Punter.
That T. J. Houshmanzadeh is so rude. Asking for some of not quite a fetus yet’s embrionic fluid. What’s next some of it’s stem cells?
@ozoneRanger
Got a link to pics of said titties? dont be a tease
+1, OzoneRanger. And as a Saints fan who’ll be paying a visit to KC this fall…well done, MMP.
Dan Snyder wants that fetus in a redskins uni this fall, and by god he doesn’t care what it costs. Just get it done!
fetuses grow up so fast these days
It looks like a cross between an alien and a chick pea.
+1 MMP, we all need our Monday morning depravity to get the week off to a good start.
Ahhh, 2port, you’re confusing the fetus with the predator (Latrizzy Sprewell).
The fetus just wants paid what it deserves man. Gotta feed its family. Umbilical cord ain’t gonna suffice forever.
that was awesome. love that he/it already hates the chiefs (and the rest of Kansas city the metropolis), love that he/it is still “waiting on the paperwork” to become a fetus, love that the not quite a fetus is already a NFL but not college football fan, is a unrepentant racist, love that housh is well spoken and inexplicably able to visit wombs.
all in all, good way to salvage the steaming pile that has been my monday work morning.
TR Says: “So Punter does a lot of meth, right?”
You would too if you lived in Travelers Rest.
/ducks flying banjo
I this was a football blog… What’s Sam Cassell doing on here.
Boom goes the dynamite!!!
@ Jim U. – or at least someone did and the picture of the fetus looks like the daddy…… so time to look at the mug shots and who it looks like.
a nightmare fuel tag wouldn’t be inappropriate
Punter, is this some weird way of telling us you knocked up your wife?
Does the fetus have any thoughts on Obama and McCain? I mean, as long as he/she is weighing in.
im so confused. what the hell just happened?
@ Westbrook is my anti-drug
Dude, as a Bengals fan, everything involving Bengals WR’s is this weird. All the time. Haven’t you ever heard Chad talk?
Isn’t it a little late for your tribute to Jesse Helms?
@MMPunter: Well, Travis doesn’t leave until he does the uterus check and sees the speck. That way he can get out before the girl even realizes she’s pregnant.
And bad as he is, Travis is no Karl Malone.
Clearly a moonshine fueled post if I’ve ever read one. Back away from the computer, go to your kitchen, get some coffee and sober up Punte.
But I do have to say…that’s one smart embryo.
A typically uninformed fetus… doesn’t he know that the Chiefs are now in an embryonic state themselves? I would think that he would root for his own kind. Brodie Croyle’s brain stem is not yet fully developed. Although his wife’s titties are.
Why would Travis Henry visit his own children?
He can also properly pronounce Houshmanzadeh. He’s an articulate little fella.
But, just to pick a nit…wouldn’t it have been more logical for Travis Henry to poke his head in there? You know, to sadly realize that he’s got to abandon yet another uterus?
Personally…this was exactly what I needed to read this morning. Besides, it’s a smart embryo:
“I’m not really into the college game.”
Now there’s an embryo that knows the difference ‘tween shit and Shine-ola.
How about a WTF? tag for this?
And if Punter’s on the peyote, shouldn’t he be chewing the laptop and not surfing the Net?
Or was that just me?
When are you gonna put up the second half of that post punte?
Ssssh. Punter’s clearly in the middle of a wild, peyote-fueled, vision quest.
Don’t rush him. He knows where he needs to be right now.
When are you gonna put up the second half of that post punte?
Shouldn’t it be Travis Henry entering wombs?
So Punter does a lot of meth, right?
mmmmm…. amniotic fluid.
Not the way I want to start my Monday morning – I’d rather have a Mammary Monday as a follow up to Sexy Friday – you know, to get things off on the right foot.
/sighs and gets back to work
Um … what?
Jeez Punter, that’s just…bizarre…
Jeez Punter, thats just wrong.
Even as a former fetus myself, I don’t get it.
Eli looks great in that photo, by the way.
“What the fuck was that?” should be a tag unto itself.
Also: is every entry about a Bengals WR going to be this weird?
It’s a well-established fact that the Chiefs made a Satanic pact to beat the Vikings in the 1970 Super Bowl.
It’s true. Hank Stram wore that carpet sample of a toupee not because he was going bald, but because he needed to hide his horns.
And Punter: Just because formaldehyde is a liquid, that doesn’t mean you should be drinking it. Especially not this early in the morning.
…yeah, what the fuck was that?
It’s a well-established fact that the Chiefs made a Satanic pact to beat the Vikings in the 1970 Super Bowl.