HOW DARE YOU BETRAY ME, FAVRARO
How dare you, Brett Favre.
How dare you.
I spend 15 years by your side. Defending you. Protecting you. Holding you close to my ample bosom after a loss.
And then this.
How dare you betray me like this, Brett Nathaniel Marmaduke Favre. I gave you ALL MY LOVE. And then you turn around and give your retirement announcement to this, this, this fucking SEA HAG!
The fact that you ignored me hurts, Brett. But I never thought you’d leave me for a WOMAN, you heartless bastard. A fucking Botox-stuffed floozy! You told me you were through with the ladymeat. AND I BELIEVED YOU! WE MADE LOVE UNDER THE OLD MAPLE TREE IN HATTIESBURG LAST WEEK AND IT MEANT NOTHING TO YOU!
What’s so great about this Van Susteren girl, huh? Is she perverted like me? Would she go down on you… in… a theataahhhh? Does she speak eloquently? Would she have your baby? I’m sure she’d make a really excellent mother.
In case you can’t tell, I’m being angrily sarcastic. THAT GIRL IS A WHORE!
After all I’ve done for you. The times I covered up your alcoholism. The times I glossed over your horrible play. The times I killed those stories about you fucking half of Atlanta.
The time I let you use the speculum on me.
I hate you, Brett Favre. I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW! I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW! I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!
You made a big mistake, jerk. Hell hath no fury like a King scorned.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, crazy love, good luck getting that song out of your head, one hand in his pocket and the other on a ham sandwich, peter king gay porn, you you you you oughtta know
July 14th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
No (guy), no (guy)
July 14th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
Someone is on Fiyahhhhhhh once again. Wow.
At least Greta will be sure to get to the bottom of this Favraro-gate once and for all!
July 14th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
Don’t worry PK….you’ll find other white quarterbacks to fellate. I hear Elisha might be available if he can get his mother’s permission.
July 14th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
I think this shatteres the record for most Alanis Morrisette references ever recorded in a football related post.
July 14th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
I guess one of the few things Peter King does not like to swallow: Jagged Little Pills.
July 14th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
BDD…slowly driving Favraro towards Purple Jesus
I wonder if we’ll get a recap of the interview between Greta VanBotox and Favraro tomorrow morning.
And somewhere in NJ, PK has to be slowly sobbing on his Haagen-Daz tub of ice cream, saying “You…don’ need him…you don’ need…that too…timing…loser…..Just remember…there’s always…Taaawmy….”before putting on “I Will Survive”
July 14th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
There’s always Romo.
/never gets old
July 14th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
OK, which one is Peter King and which is Greta Van Susternsinfrinjensen?
Thanks, I’ll be here all week. Try the veal.
July 14th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
i think drew is really enjoying this.
July 14th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
All this time Peter King thought he met the man of his dreams, and now meets his beautiful wife. This must feel just like the time it rained on his wedding day.
/what a gay first comment
July 14th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
I wish like fuck I didn’t have a “yup, did a wasted and very pissed-off karaoke version of this song one night in college” moment while reading this post.
July 14th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
Peter, you’re not allowed, you’re uninvited, an unfortunate slight.
I actually borrowed my girlfriend’s new Alanis CD before she even had a chance to open it because I heard it was another breakup album and I figgered, “Hey, her first break-up album was a classic.” And then…
What happened Alanis? How could the tool from fucking Full House have inspired such venomous brilliance and this last guy…such shit?
July 14th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
PK looks like Jon Favreau’s uncle, the one his mother wouldn’t leave him alone with at family BBQs…
July 14th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
I’m missing most of these Alanis jokes, and I’m pretty happy about it.
July 14th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
I forget, was it Peter King or Alanis Morrisette who was on “You Can’t Do That on Television”?
July 14th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
Just stay retired Brett: https://www.thepoint.com/campaigns/stay-retired-brett-favre
July 14th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
BTW, don’t Google Image search “speculum” if you’re not sure what it is. You’ve been warned.
July 14th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Outstanding!
I read the tags ‘crazy love, good luck getting that song out of your head’ and immediately thought of “Crazy Love’ by …wait for it…waaaaait…POCO! Fuck I’m old!
July 14th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Does this make Brett Favre America’s Dave Coulier? Shit, I can imagine Favre on a crappy Canadian sit-com.
July 14th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
/no homo!
/just read own post
/had two older sisters who listened to that shit
/honest!!
July 14th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
Stu,
For some reason I didn’t believe you… I guess I’ve got something to replace the flashbacks in my nightmares now.
July 14th, 2008 at 6:30 pm
Whats the big deal? A speculum is just a little plastic thingy…
/actually googles
Holey Shit pants!!
/shits pants
July 14th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
Is this some kind of Bastille Day thing?
July 14th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
Guys are so cute when confronted with a speculum. Buncha Pussies……
And now I have Alanis Morrisette AND Poco stuck in my head. I need a drink.
July 14th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
lets be serious for a second here. i would go with brett dying in a drunken opiate filled car crash into that kid who wore his jersey for years. ooops, i just cummed in my pants.
die you cancerous whore.
really, if he became the vikings qb it would be all of our holy duty to end him in a hail of gunfire before he got to put the purple and gold on.
/took me 10 minutes to write because im hammered and heading to the bar
July 14th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
And then you turn around and give your retirement announcement to this, this, this fucking SEA HAG!
Damn, I knew King hated the Seahawks. Fuck, I hope Favre’s semen gives PK colon cancer.
July 14th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
Who knew drunk canadians were so vengeful?
July 14th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
As this picture shows, the interview with Farve was so demanding that it’s visibly aged Greta Van Susteren.
Oh, my bad. That’s actually a photo of her from before she had her Jerry Jones-quality plastic surgery before joining Faux News.
July 14th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
As this picture shows, the interview with Farve was so demanding that it’s visibly aged Greta Van Susteren.
Oh, my bad. That’s actually a photo of her from before she had her Jerry Jones-quality plastic surgery, right before joining Faux News.
July 14th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
Photo of Frankensusteren here.
Stupid spam filter forbids two links in a single post. What is this, Russia?
July 14th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
And now the original post has appeared. Dammit.
You’ve won this round, Uproxx, but we’ll cross paths again.
July 14th, 2008 at 7:42 pm
Revenge for that 500th post awhile back… Thanks Uproxx!!!
July 14th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
Van Susteren- hmm. If that’s a Dutch name, Greta’s going to have enlightened views on drugs and prostitution. If Van Susteren is a Belgian Flemish name- watch the fuck out.
July 14th, 2008 at 8:37 pm
Come for the dick jokes, stay for the Peter King & Brett Favre slash fic.
And seriously. What did Dave Coulier do to Alanis Morrissette to inspire that album? And is there any chance that after the Ryan Reynolds dump, we could see Jagged Little Pill 2: Jagged Little Pill Harder?
July 14th, 2008 at 11:08 pm
ksk’s dangerously close to needing a four-dimensional intervention to detox from its collective DTs here. since brett & pete seem to be the lone planks in your bridge of sighs to get you through the heart of off-season darkness, it would appear that different psychotropic substances are required to inspire your muses.
besides, i hear the pope’s commissioned a new inquisition to exact revenge for that whole favre ≠ jesus thing.
yeah; might be time for a change in latitude.
July 15th, 2008 at 1:08 am
Other things Brett Favre is guilty of:
-Guilty of “just having fun out there on the field”
-Guilty of throwing a ton of shitty passes that result in game changing interceptions
-Guilty of demanding that anyone interviewing him for a television spot has to metaphorically felate him the entire segment
-Guilty of being 100% positive that the Earth revolves around him, Brett Favre.
-Guilty of replacing the marshmellows in his morning Lucky Charms with Vicodin
-Guilty of making strange little kids from Wisconsin walk around wearing a #4 jersey every day for several years straight
-Guilty of marrying a woman who really isn’t all that attractive when you look at the grand spectrum of poon that NFL quarterbacks can pull
-Guilty of building up a Wisconsinite fanbase made up entirely of fat pasty assholes
-Guilty of making John Madden have to bring several extra pair of underwear to the booth with him when he announces Packer games
July 15th, 2008 at 2:12 am
This Brett Favre seems like a douche bag with no feelings for his loved ones. Look at King. He’s got nice dimples… no homo.
July 15th, 2008 at 6:37 am
Brett YOU HURT ME, YOU HURT ME TO MY SOUL!!
July 15th, 2008 at 9:00 am
I never got that whole “just having fun out there on the field” thing. Somehow, I don’t think Peyton goes to the huddle and goes “You know what guys, fuck this shit. I know it sucks, and we’d all rather be sitting in cubicles doing mind numbingly boring jobs 40 hours a week for an average salary that’s less than half what we get paid per game, but let’s go out there and slog through this as best we can. Red Rooster 88, Clark Right, Double Fist Pump. Ready, break!”
/If Manning pulls this shit in a few years, I’ll be pissed, because then I’ll be a hypocrite for wanting him to stay
/At least he won’t throw game-breaking interceptions.
July 15th, 2008 at 9:18 am
The” one hand in his pocket and the other on a ham sandwich” tag just made me shit myself +100
July 15th, 2008 at 9:35 am
Since Greta is a Scientologist I think this obviously means that Scientology has gotten their hooks into Favre. Expect Tom Cruise in the luxury box at Fed Ex for Favre’s first game as a Redskin.
July 15th, 2008 at 10:04 am
At least he won’t throw game-breaking interceptions.
@Monkey Business: Are you not the slightest bit superstitious? Christ. If we lose on an interception in the playoffs this year, the blame will fall squarely on your shoulders.
July 15th, 2008 at 10:19 am
@futuremrsrickankiel: At least you never did “Sk8er Boi” in front of an ex-girlfriend.
Who’s not gay? –> this guy <–
July 15th, 2008 at 10:26 am
/praying for Peyton to throw a game changing INT this season… PUHLEEEEEEEZE!!!!
July 15th, 2008 at 10:36 am
Is it just me, or does anyone else find Greta VanBotox’s speaking-out-of-the-right-side-of-the-mouth-thru-clenched-teeth strangely mesmerizing in a freakshow kinda way?
I’d like to see her do porn, gettin’ nailed doggy style and (in her right-side-of-the-mouth monotone) urging the guy on in that fake-porn-dialogue sorta way.
July 15th, 2008 at 10:39 am
Are you not the slightest bit superstitious? Christ. If we lose on an interception in the playoffs this year, the blame will fall squarely on your shoulders.
Well, perhaps he won’t throw any game breaking interceptions due to a season long sac problem…
July 15th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
I was awake at 10, so I unblocked Fox News and watched it. I used to be a firefighter on a (very) rural department, and Favre reminded me of nothing more than the hundred or so dumb, drunk rednecks explaining to me over the years how it sure as hell wasn’t THEIR fault that they’d just wiped out a telephone pole, six saplings, and a row of mailboxes, and they had no idea how all those empty beer cans got in the cab of their truck.
Fuck that.
July 27th, 2008 at 8:17 am
[...] this news has Peter King completely distraught, but Brett Favre has torn himself away from the old fishing hole long enough to speak to the world. [...]