Derek Anderson: I know you fans have been wondering what I’ve been doing this off-season, what with expectations being ratcheted up for the Browns this year and my totally sweet contract extension. Some people even got us pegged as Super Bowl contenders.

Guy:
I theenk you hov what it takes to cunt end.

Anderson: Thanks, pal.

This here’s Jervis. Been hanging out with him on Joe Thomas’ boat some weekends. Really mellows me out.

Jervis: Ya, is real nice.

Anderson: I’ve known the guy for a few years. I met him this one time at a sports collectors show. This was back after the ’06 season, when I was still trying to find my way in the league. Just having a really hard time of it. He came up to where I was signing and said something that just blew my mind.

Jervis: I tell heem…

I tell heem throw to Brah-lon.

Anderson: See? I would’ve never come up with that on my own. People rag on this guy. He’s had a pretty rough life, but he comes through with these astounding pearls of wisdom.

Jervis: When teem blitz you…

Throw to Brah-lon.

Anderson: Holy shit, dude! How the fuck does he know that? That’s better advice than Romeo Crennel has given me in, like, forever.

Hey, little dude: What happens when the other team double-covers Braylon?

Jervis: Erm.

Brah-lon is dooble cooved?

Anderson: Should I tuck and run?

Jervis: Nooooooooo

You ees slow.

You throw…

You throw to Weenslow.

Anderson: Dude. Fuck. Dude. Okay. This is gold. Let me get that down real quick.

Okay. Team blitz me?

Jervis: Brah-lon.

Anderson: [Writing on ship manifest]
Got it. Team double-covers Braylon?

Jervis:
Weenslow.

Anderson:
All right. All right. How about this: We’re playing the Steelers. 3rd and long. Three-receiver set, shotgun formation with two sidecars. Slot receiver motions left before the slant. Steelers blitz off the right side while dropping the two weak side backers into coverage, but still send the free safety. One of the backs is assigned to block my blind side while the other goes across the middle of the field.

Jervis: Queek slant to slot.

Anderson: YES! Man, we gotta get you a headset for the sidelines. Here, try it on.

[Jervis drops the headset in the water]

Anderson:

We’ll work on that.