Horse Balls Finds His Horse Whisperer
Derek Anderson: I know you fans have been wondering what I’ve been doing this off-season, what with expectations being ratcheted up for the Browns this year and my totally sweet contract extension. Some people even got us pegged as Super Bowl contenders.
Guy: I theenk you hov what it takes to cunt end.
Anderson: Thanks, pal.
This here’s Jervis. Been hanging out with him on Joe Thomas’ boat some weekends. Really mellows me out.
Jervis: Ya, is real nice.
Anderson: I’ve known the guy for a few years. I met him this one time at a sports collectors show. This was back after the ‘06 season, when I was still trying to find my way in the league. Just having a really hard time of it. He came up to where I was signing and said something that just blew my mind.
Jervis: I tell heem…
I tell heem throw to Brah-lon.
Anderson: See? I would’ve never come up with that on my own. People rag on this guy. He’s had a pretty rough life, but he comes through with these astounding pearls of wisdom.
Jervis: When teem blitz you…
Throw to Brah-lon.
Anderson: Holy shit, dude! How the fuck does he know that? That’s better advice than Romeo Crennel has given me in, like, forever.
Hey, little dude: What happens when the other team double-covers Braylon?
Jervis: Erm.
Brah-lon is dooble cooved?
Anderson: Should I tuck and run?
Jervis: Nooooooooo
You ees slow.
You throw…
You throw to Weenslow.
Anderson: Dude. Fuck. Dude. Okay. This is gold. Let me get that down real quick.
Okay. Team blitz me?
Jervis: Brah-lon.
Anderson: [Writing on ship manifest] Got it. Team double-covers Braylon?
Jervis: Weenslow.
Anderson: All right. All right. How about this: We’re playing the Steelers. 3rd and long. Three-receiver set, shotgun formation with two sidecars. Slot receiver motions left before the slant. Steelers blitz off the right side while dropping the two weak side backers into coverage, but still send the free safety. One of the backs is assigned to block my blind side while the other goes across the middle of the field.
Jervis: Queek slant to slot.
Anderson: YES! Man, we gotta get you a headset for the sidelines. Here, try it on.
[Jervis drops the headset in the water]
Anderson: …
We’ll work on that.
Tags: horse balls, xmas ape
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July 15th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Is he the guy who circumsizes retards in Thailand?
July 15th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
Is it bad that I was totally doing the kid’s voice in my head?
July 15th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
No one can fully understand the love between a man and an autistic latino.
July 15th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
I def. reading this in a Tattoo from “Fantasy Island” voice.
Too bad I don’t see Horse Balls being as smooth as Ricardo Montalban.
/no homo
July 15th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
It’ll never work. Crennel would eat him.
July 15th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
is it wrong that i assumed this was the work of MMP before i got to the end?
July 15th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
I’m laughing, but I shouldn’t be.
@sr. mullet, I too expected this be from MMP.
btw, Ape when can we expect the next installment of Italian Spidey?
July 15th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
@Upstate
Probably tomorrow
July 15th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
So the Frito Bandito DID sire some ninos after all….
July 15th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
thanks for the update Ape.
July 15th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
“Queek slant to slot.”
Please. That’s his answer to everything.
July 15th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
The funny thing is the kid didn’t move a muscle during the entire exchange. That’s some Rain man shit, baby.
July 15th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
I knew this was Ape when I saw he referred to the running backs as sidecars. That’s some Bill Hillgrove shit right there. Oh, and because he had to mention the Steelers. Had to.
July 15th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
I KNEW THIS WAS APE BECAUSE IT SUCKED LIKE SO MANY ASIAN PROSTITUTES.
19-0 BABY WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
July 15th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
/kills self
July 15th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
/wants a Weenslow #80 jersey.
July 15th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
cunt end?
July 15th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
nflshop.com will now add “brah-lon” and “weenslow” to the list of banned terms.
July 15th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
@ humper – cunt end = contend
July 15th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
82, 82, 82
July 15th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
he looks like jake gyllenhalls retarded brother or something.
July 15th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
“No one can fully understand the love between a man and an autistic latino”
I’m not sure but the be-dazzled gloved one might have some items to discuss over a tall glass of Jesus Juice
July 15th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
THAT’S SO WRONG, YOU’RE ALL GOING TO HE…
Who am I kidding, that was funny even though I kept telling myself I shouldn’t be laughing. Now only if we can pair up Jervis and the Double-J, that would be some good times.
July 15th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
Yes, I was doing the Tattoo voice in my head for this guy too. Funny stuff
Now what would happen if this idiot savant left Derek Anderson and went to work FOR the Steelers? How would he reach Ben and Hines Wald?
July 15th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Here’s to semi-latino kids name “jervis.”
That’s a new one for me.
July 15th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
Jervis AND Double J? You tryin to get me fired?
July 15th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Its not often someone can rock a pubic-hair moustache and overbite like that. Good show Jervis
July 15th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
What makes it even more impressive is that he’s been Barack Obama’s leading adviser since his 2004 Senate election.
July 15th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Jeez Punte, that’s not….Ape?
Stil not right. Funny. But not right. Right?
July 15th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
I love Derek Anderson for sporting that cool Hawaiian thumb/pinkie sign while sitting in front of a pile of rocks in Lake Erie. Aloha, Cuyahoga County!
July 15th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Dude, not cool. I read KSK site for the funny and cruel, but it’s obvious that the kid in the pic is developmentally disabled. Won’t go through the boring experience part, but one can easily tell when one looks at the pic. I don’t give a shit about Anderson, but hell, he might be doing a good thing getting the person out of the institution or taking the kid fishing so his familiy can have sometime to themselves for a few hours. Of course, he may be doing it for the pub, and in that case he’s a raging dick. Sometimes, you just need to make a couple of calls, you know?
July 15th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
Since when are we letting our retatds out of their cages?
[not pictured: Brett Favre]
July 15th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
“Retards” that is. Even a a retard could see that.
July 15th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
C’mon – that kid’s not retarded… he’s from Cleveland!
July 15th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
brady Quinn in 08!!
Cute story but anderson is in over his head
http://www.collegefastbreak.com/
July 16th, 2008 at 11:59 am
Back to the pack?: https://www.thepoint.com/campaigns/bring-back-brett-favre
July 16th, 2008 at 9:04 pm
Weenslow. Sometimes, like Drifter in the Dark.
Weenfast. Sometimes, like Stroker Ace.
Weenrocks. All times.
I always call him Kellen Losefast. It’s usually spot on. Poor Browns. Poor, poor, Browns.
July 17th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
Man, I wonder how Jervis plans to incorporate Stallworth into his Anderson, Brah-lon, Weenslow offense? Steelers you have met your match!