Hey ESPY AWAAAAAHDS, WHAT THE FACK?!!!!
You fackin’ Yankee-lovin’ faggots in Bristol have gawt sam fackin’ nerve! Last night was supposed to be ow-uh night! The fackin’ Red Sawx nation has waited YEE-AHS for you to recognize that ow-uh beloved Sawx deserve that Best Fackin’ Team ESPY.
AND YOU GO AND GIVE IT TO THE FACKIN’ GIANTS! FACK YOU! SACK MY FACKIN’ CAWK, YAH FACKIN’ ANKLEGRABBAHS!
(opens tin of Kodiak, tucks entire tin into lower lip)
Everyone knows that Kevin fackin’ Yooookulus and my boys deserved that fackin’ steel buttplug of a trophy you hand out. YOOOOOOOK!!!! My fackin’ boys were-ah the dawninant farce is awl of sparts last yee-ah. HOW DAY-UH YOU DENY THEM THE AWAAAAD THEY EARNED!
(spits into Snapple bottle)
I will NEVAH get ovah this, you fackin’ ball lickahs! This one’s a real stomach punch! I had to cawl my dad seven times last night just to make shar he wasn’t killed by yar fackin’ snub. And seein’ as how he drinks six handles of Popov a day, that’s nevah a safe bet! I myself had two listen tah two Incubus reckaaads in a row just tah calm myself down.
But that didn’t wark. So I kicked my garlfriend in the tits.
(spits into Snapple bottle)
I should have seen this coming. I knew you fackahs in Bristol ah biased towards New Yark. You always have been. YOU CONNECTICUT FACKS AAAAAHN’T TRUE NEW ENGLANDAHS! Oh, you may have lovely small towns and neglected shithole cities filled with shiftless dahkies, just like Mass, BUT YOU AAAAAHN’T FACKIN’ HAAAAHDCOR-UH LIKE US AND YAH NEVAH WILL BE! FACK YOU!
(spits into Snapple bottle)
You wish you were-ah fackin’ REAL Sawx fans like me and my buddy Sal, who just became a Sawx fan three yea-ahs ago, but yar nawt! YAH JUST FACKIN’ AMATCHAHS! It’s clear you know nothing about fackin’ sparts, nor could you pawssibly appreciate them on thah level that we legendary Baaaston fans do. If you did, you nevah would have given that fackin’ awaaahd to those faggots on the Giants!
(fills Snapple bottle with spit. Places it on “Dip Trophy” shelf. Opens Fruitopia bottle. Pours out Fruitopia. Spits into Fruitopia bottle)
The fackin’ Giants ahhh the best team in the warld? THEY WEREN’T EVEN THE BEST TEAM IN THE NFL! Everyone knows that Tawmmy Brady and my boy Billy Belichick were-ah the fackin’ cream of the NFL crawp last season. They were-ah the best team! They just happened to lose Supah Bowl Farty Two! The Giants gawt fackin’ lucky! The Pats still went 16-0 in the regulah season. You know how many othah teams have done that? Fackin’ zero! That’s history. Yar fackin’ denying history. YAH PRAWBABLY ALSO WANT TO DENY THE HAWLOCAWST, YOU FACKS! HAWLOCAWST DENY-AH! HAWLOCAWST DENY-AH! HAWLOCAWST DENY-AH!
(spits into Fruitopia bottle)
To deny my beloved Red Sawx and my somewhat beloved Pats they-ah rightful place in history is a fackin’ great disgrace upawn the reputation of needless awaaahd shows. You’ve lawst yah credibility, yah fackin’ ASSTHUMBAHS! This is the warst thing that has evah fackin’ happened in the history of everything evah. Even warse than when Karn cancelled they-ah consart in WOOSTAH! I was gawnna drawp acid that night! And I did!
(fills Fruitopia bottle. Spits on floor)
But you underestimate the great resawlve of the legendary Beantown faithful. We’ll get ovah this. Togethah. We’re-ah ah fackin’ tight knit town. We stick togethah. Except for those fackin’ nips on my cawnah. I hope they get fackin’ sent back to the fackin’ rice paddies! Ching chong cho, yah fackin’ gooks. LESS GOOKS, MOR-AH YOOOOOOOOKS!!!!
We survive. We endur-ah. Know why? Becawse we have charactah. You wouldn’t fackin’ undahstand that. But we do. We’ve lived through some haaaahd times. And this is one of those times. To think I was enjoyin’ another fackin’ Celtics title just a couple weeks ago, only to be knawked down by you facks once again.
(spits on floor)
Well, we’ll show you. We’ll get ow-uh ESPY, and then we’ll rub in yah fackin’ face UNTIL YOU WANT TO DIE! SUCK ON THAT, JIZZDRINKAHS!!!!
Tags: 18-1, Big Daddy Drew, dipping, LOSERGATE, never gets old, sore losahs, the ESPYs are retarded, Tommy from Quinzee
July 17th, 2008 at 11:23 am
A Fruitopia sighting! Nice…
July 17th, 2008 at 11:23 am
reading about Tommy dipping Kodiak might actually make me give up that filthy habit.
July 17th, 2008 at 11:32 am
So Massholes use chewin’ tobaccy? I thought they were strictly chain smokers and alcoholics.
I may not be able to read any more of these Tawmmy posts until you give us some sort of Baaaahston to English glossary.
July 17th, 2008 at 11:32 am
LESS GOOKS, MOR-AH YOOOOOOOOKS!!!!
Good stuff….
July 17th, 2008 at 11:34 am
so is frutopia only available out east?
July 17th, 2008 at 11:40 am
We’d like to speak to Tommy about a development deal here at Fox, a sitcom perhaps? Maybe a Sunday Morning Talk Show on Fox News.
July 17th, 2008 at 11:40 am
tawwmy must be a democrat, because his is the voice of inclusion.
July 17th, 2008 at 11:42 am
“To deny my beloved Red Sawx and my somewhat beloved Pats”
Absolutely priceless – and accurate.
July 17th, 2008 at 11:42 am
i’s been waiting for ya’s ta pick on dem fawkin faggots in bahstan today. Long live Bahstan hating bloggers.
side not, i hope tom brady slips in a pool of aids and chips his tooth on a urenal… for the record.
July 17th, 2008 at 11:47 am
We’d like to speak to Tommy about a development deal here at Fox, a sitcom perhaps? Maybe a Sunday Morning Talk Show on Fox News.
What do you mean, a sitcom or a Fox News show? One and the same, my friend.
July 17th, 2008 at 11:47 am
So Massholes use chewin’ tobaccy?
Um… not to my knowledge, no. We do smoke up a storm though. PAAHHLAMINTS.
July 17th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Paging futuremrs, call on line 2. Paging futuremrs.
July 17th, 2008 at 11:51 am
“But that didn’t wark. So I kicked my garlfriend in the tits.”
Incubus will make you do that.
And I swear my eyes were shutting down from all the “ahhs”, “awks”, “aaaas” and “Fruitopia” (They still make that?)
July 17th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Fuck, how’d you sneak in there? Parliments, the smokes of choice at prep schools and private colleges throught New England.
July 17th, 2008 at 11:53 am
What I should have added, BDD, is that I HAD THIS EXACT SAME FUCKING TRAIN OF THOUGHT. WHAT THE FUCK. THE FUCKING GIANTS?! FUCKING SHITEATING DIPSHITS WHO STOLE OUR FUCKING SUPERBOWL OVER THE 2X WORLD CHAMP RED SOX? WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!
If the Celtics don’t win that shit next year, I am going to BURN BRISTOL TO THE GROUND.
Goddamn it.
July 17th, 2008 at 11:55 am
Really? You really thought that?
/bans you
July 17th, 2008 at 11:58 am
It would be dishonest of me to say that it hadn’t crossed my mind. I request clemency on the grounds that I was not dipping and spitting into a Fruitopia bottle at the time.
July 17th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
Sorry, but if you have a top 5 payroll in baseball and spend the GNP of Ghana on a pitcher who doesn’t speak English and you don’t win the World Series, it’s a colossal failure. You don’t get a Best Team ESPY for that. You get a “We bought our second World Series title, and have become the New Yankess, since the Old Yankees suck” ESPY for that. The only thing worse that that would be going undefeated and losing in the championship game to a 17 point underdog.
/Mets fan
/headdesk
/18-1
/feels much better that the Pats greatest playoff heartbreaks are sandwiched between Manning Super Bowls.
July 17th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
No, she got kicked in the tits – thats why she coudln’t be dipping.
I still here Matt Damon’s voice in my head when I read Tawwwmy.
July 17th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
She was chain smoking Parliments are at a 3-martini lunch.
/I ain’t mad at cha. Got nothing but love for ya.
July 17th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
Bans who?
July 17th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
I also here Matt Damon’s voice as Tawwwmy.
July 17th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
Here? WTF Rocco. Get your shit together.
July 17th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
I went to school in Rhode Island and I can vouch that Kodiak was the dip of choice of Sox/Pats fans out there.
/Skoal man my-self
July 17th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Does anybody really take “ESPY” awards seriously? They’re like the Image awards or those Latin music awards. They don’t really count.
July 17th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
I went to school in Rhode Island and I can vouch that Kodiak was the dip of choice of Sox/Pats fans out there.
Except they swallow it by the truckload.
July 17th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
RE UpstateUnderdog Says:
“I went to school in Rhode Island and I can vouch that Kodiak was the dip of choice of Sox/Pats fans out there.”
K, I thought dipping was a strictly shitkicker thing. Huh. You learn something new every day.
July 17th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Wow…the Red Sox beat a bunch of overachieving scrubs that pitched WAY above their heads. Hey, the Rockies were a cute story, but they were on a hot streak and then got a week off before the WS. The Giants faced a team that was looking to make history as the best team EVER. And they beat Tom Brady within an inch of his dog-purse carrying ass.
July 17th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Dipping is the most disgusting habit ever.
July 17th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
i could name some way grosser habits
July 17th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
@smurphette, I would make the arguement that smoking is grosser.
July 17th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
What fucking time was it even on? I got home from golfing around 9:45 and some gay Yankee shit was on and the AAA ASG on 2.
/not that I would have watched anyway.
//nevermind it was only TAPED yesterday.
July 17th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
ok, seriously, they still make/sell fruitopia?
July 17th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
In Boston last weekend, overheard this quote from a 50 year old guy (with a Sawx hat on, of course) at the bar at a golf course. ~ “This guy ovah heeah, he’s a connasoouah ovv beeahs and cigaahs.”
Oh, and Jason Varitek is a prawwstate maasawhjaah.
July 17th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
RE smurphette Says:
“Dipping is the most disgusting habit ever.”
Um, well, I can think of a few I think are grosser, but it’s definitely up there. I’d honestly rather see someone spit it out on the ground than spit it into a cup. Seeing one of those on someone’s dash half-full of brown spittle – gag.
July 17th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Sorry, Upstate, but if I’m standing next to someone with a nicotine addiction, I’d much rather he smoke than dip.
July 17th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
My fackin’ boys were-ah the dawninant farce
Niiiiice.
July 17th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
So sad, and so true: it’s not enough for Boston to win…the rest of us all have to recognize how great they are and get behind the “grit” and “character” of their teams.
2004 was a fluke. Everyone hates you now. Embrace it.
July 17th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Where do chewing/spitting sunflower seeds fall in here?
July 17th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
@smurphette, so you don’t spit but do you swallow?
July 17th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
@smurphette, it’s a free country but after I stand next to a smoker I usually smell like an ash tray and I usually have to watch them throw their butts on the ground or out thier car windows.
July 17th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
Nothing pisses me off more than smokers who litter the ground with their butts. THE WORLD IS NOT YOUR FUCKING ASHTRY ASSHOLE. Fuck off and die.
July 17th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Since I’m not a Colts fan and live in Indianapolis, I’m always awed by the connection between BoSox/Patriots fans and Colts fans. Both completely neglect their teams when they’re down, like Indy currently is doing to the Pacers. Stokley jerseys were once as plentiful as Welker jerseys. Since Indy doesn’t have a professional baseball team, there are a ton of Cubs fans whom are equally as retarded as Red Sox fans (although this is coming from a biased White Sox fan). The Frutopia, Kodiak, and random bottle of Snapple used for spit is just uncanny.
July 17th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
/ASHTRAY. Fuck.
July 17th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Of course it’s personal preference, but you can’t smoke in bars and restaurants in DC, and when I am talking to someone smoking outside, I don’t end up smelling like their smoke, so I don’t have that problem. I have friends who dip, I just don’t want to be around them when they do it.
@Rocco: My high school soccer coach used to eat sunflower seeds during games and I didn’t mind it then (mostly because I was usually on the field), but if you’re not at a game or a cookout or something outside – ew.
July 17th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
It’s, true, it’s true. Boston is SO lame.
July 17th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
fair enough smurphette.
July 17th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
@smurphette: Agreed. And while it never stopped me before, the NY law banning smoking in bars is great. You don’t go home smelling like smoke anymore. If anything it’s done wonders for the patio/deck building business and propane/natural gas heater sales in the area.
/What do you call a married man’s dick? Unemployed.
July 17th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
They stopped making Fruitopia a few years ago, I think.
Though the Venture compound still stocks it.
July 17th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
@Shinons: Of course, a White Sox fan characterizing other fan bases as fickle is laugh-out-loud-able. Ask the average White Sox fan who the team’s manager was prior to 2005 you will get a blank, distant look.
July 17th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
@Shinons: For the record, my dad and I still follow the Pacers, and my two Colts jerseys are Dwight Freeney and Bob Sanders. And may I say that we are pretty stoked about Indy’s own Jack Swarbrick being named the new AD in South Bend.
July 17th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
This are a little less funny when Tommy from Quinzee is your brother-in-law.
July 17th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
@smurphette: Colts fan, Pacers fan, ND fan, Nats fan?, Capitals fan? Is that difficult?
July 17th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
porky1- “Though the Venture compound still stocks it.”
Nice.
It’s the only show worth watching on tv at the moment. Even if I watch it online.
July 17th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
uh…not to rain on the parade, but the Celtics won the Best Team ESPY. The Giants won three other awards.
So suck on that, FACKAHHHS!
July 17th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
um, Billy Simmons, is that you?
July 17th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Pepster— How is that accurate? Funny, yes, accurate, no.
July 17th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
i hear tommys voice as mayor quimby from the simpsons.
@porky1, nice reference.
and im sure after the sawx didnt win the espy, bill simmons set a plan into action that will involve him ritualistically killing all other espn employees
July 17th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Everyone knows they are using Gatorade bottles to spit in. They are preferred for the “wide-mouth” opening and 32 ounce capacity.
July 17th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Mayor Quimby doesn’t fit the pic of Tawwmy in my mind. I’m still going with Matt Damon. I see Tawwmy from Quinzee as the Masshole equivalent of your garden variety NJ douchebag.
/Sad cause I like Matt Damon. As an actor.
July 17th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
the espies were on last night?
huh.
well, um, i guess that’s something. that i probably wouldn’t have even watched had i known when it was. or really care about in the least. or understand why it exists in the first place. You see the teams already get trophies for winning. already. you know, awards that are actually recognized by their peers and stuff. lombardi, stanley, and those fruity pennants, all that. but good for you Bristol. maybe some day the espies will be as well regarded as the MTV movie awards.
July 17th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
ESPY’s to air Sunday 7/20 at 9PM EST.
/more of a CMT Awards guys myself.
July 17th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
/guy. Jesus this is just brutal.
July 17th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Oh my God that was hilarious! These Baston posts are the funniest thangs evah!
July 17th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
@Rocco: you need to cut back on the coffee man. The caffeine is fucking with your-ah spelling skills.
“the dawninant farce is awl of sparts”
OUTSTANDING
July 17th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
@j4b: I don’t drink coffee. Go figure. It maast be this fackin keybahd.
July 17th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
@Rocco: Not at all. We follow Butler and IU basketball, too. And I don’t really follow hockey.
July 17th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Question: has any other city done a quicker turn around from “Lovable Losers” to “Pricks We All Hate” faster than Bawstawn?
July 17th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
DeezNutz – when I lived in Boston, none of the Boston faithful even acknowledged the Pats existed, and definitely not when put up against the Sox and Celtics. Then comes ‘96, the year I left, and all of a sudden, the Pats bandwagon was full. That was all I was implying with the “somewhat beloved Pats” being accurate.
July 17th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
@smurphette
Wait, so you like the Colts and IU basketball? Marry me? Finding both in Chicago is turning out to be damn near im-friggin-possible.
July 17th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Tawmy,
It should be “FEWER GOOKS, MORE YOOKS!”. Bigotry I can stand, but not gramatically-deficient bigotry. Also, Kevin Youklis is Jewish. Come up with a way to rationalize rooting for him.
July 17th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
I wandah what Tawwwmy’s fackin’ keahboahd fackin’ looks like.
July 17th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
@smurphette: Granted, there are definitely some good Indianapolis fans – whereas the good ones are much rarer of the Boston variety.
July 17th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Lot’s of a’s and h’s.
July 17th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Kevin Youkilis is a gay lumberjack. I have proof (mostly maple syrup residue).
July 17th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Wasn’t LESS GOOKS, MOR-AH YOOOOOOOOKS!!!! the campaign slogan of one of the Kennedy’s?
July 17th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
Love the article, but Korn is my favorite band and I’ve lived in Illinois my whole life.
July 17th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
it would be awesome if you could get Matt Damon to do a voice over of one of these posts in his best Bahstan accent. I love Bahstan i just hate the sport teams… every last one of em…
F*** Steve Grogan, F*** Robert Perryman, F*** Scott Zolak, F*** Zeke Mowart, F*** Andre Tippett
F*** Bobby Orr, F*** Ray Bourque, F*** Andy Moog, F*** Adam Oates, F*** Sergie Samsonov
F*** Ray Allen, F*** Kevin Mchale, F*** Len Bias, F*** Antoine Walker, F*** Red Auerbach
F*** Dwight Evans, F*** Oil Can Boyd, F*** Josh Beckett, F*** Manny, F*** Dustin Pedarass
F*** Brady with Belicheats C**K
July 17th, 2008 at 5:48 pm
Sometime in the mid-90s, I was part of a focus group that tested various Fruitopia flavors and marketing ideas. The only thing I remember vividly is trying a Gazpacho-flavored drink. I suggested politely that Gazpacho Fruitopia would probably be a loser. (Gazpacho, for all you not living in Mexico/California, is a tomato/vegetable spicy soup, served cold. Yum.)
July 17th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
@thebest…willbe: Fine, except it’s Zeke Mowatt (not Mowart), and he gets a lifetime free pass for asking Lisa Olsen if she wanted to see a Patriot missile (while holding his cock, of course).
July 17th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
/ Native New Englander
/ laughs twice as hard at Tommy as “people from away”
/ avoids MA/CT/RI like plague
Heh.
July 17th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
C’mon … you really think the Quiznee faithful would be fans of Youk, who ranks among the top of a very short list of “current Jewish sports stars”?
They don’t like Jewish people any more than the DAHHKIES!
July 18th, 2008 at 2:55 am
In response to FutureMrs, I have to say one of the worst things about going to college in Providence is all the facking paahlahmints. You would think that since everyone is such a goddamn serious smoker out there they would be shit that didn’t smell horrible.
July 18th, 2008 at 9:40 am
On a side note, God Bless Bill Buckner.
July 18th, 2008 at 11:16 am
Tommy from Quinzee posts will never, ever get old.
July 20th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
Dipping, is wonderful.
July 22nd, 2008 at 2:14 am
hahahahahahahahahahaha’ u faakin retahds. the giants didnt even win the espy for best team. the celtics did.
July 30th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
fills Snapple bottle with spit. Places it on “Dip Trophy” shelf
/fawkin claaahsic