You fackin’ Yankee-lovin’ faggots in Bristol have gawt sam fackin’ nerve! Last night was supposed to be ow-uh night! The fackin’ Red Sawx nation has waited YEE-AHS for you to recognize that ow-uh beloved Sawx deserve that Best Fackin’ Team ESPY.

AND YOU GO AND GIVE IT TO THE FACKIN’ GIANTS! FACK YOU! SACK MY FACKIN’ CAWK, YAH FACKIN’ ANKLEGRABBAHS!

(opens tin of Kodiak, tucks entire tin into lower lip)

Everyone knows that Kevin fackin’ Yooookulus and my boys deserved that fackin’ steel buttplug of a trophy you hand out. YOOOOOOOK!!!! My fackin’ boys were-ah the dawninant farce is awl of sparts last yee-ah. HOW DAY-UH YOU DENY THEM THE AWAAAAD THEY EARNED!

(spits into Snapple bottle)

I will NEVAH get ovah this, you fackin’ ball lickahs! This one’s a real stomach punch! I had to cawl my dad seven times last night just to make shar he wasn’t killed by yar fackin’ snub. And seein’ as how he drinks six handles of Popov a day, that’s nevah a safe bet! I myself had two listen tah two Incubus reckaaads in a row just tah calm myself down.

But that didn’t wark. So I kicked my garlfriend in the tits.

(spits into Snapple bottle)

I should have seen this coming. I knew you fackahs in Bristol ah biased towards New Yark. You always have been. YOU CONNECTICUT FACKS AAAAAHN’T TRUE NEW ENGLANDAHS! Oh, you may have lovely small towns and neglected shithole cities filled with shiftless dahkies, just like Mass, BUT YOU AAAAAHN’T FACKIN’ HAAAAHDCOR-UH LIKE US AND YAH NEVAH WILL BE! FACK YOU!

(spits into Snapple bottle)

You wish you were-ah fackin’ REAL Sawx fans like me and my buddy Sal, who just became a Sawx fan three yea-ahs ago, but yar nawt! YAH JUST FACKIN’ AMATCHAHS! It’s clear you know nothing about fackin’ sparts, nor could you pawssibly appreciate them on thah level that we legendary Baaaston fans do. If you did, you nevah would have given that fackin’ awaaahd to those faggots on the Giants!

(fills Snapple bottle with spit. Places it on “Dip Trophy” shelf. Opens Fruitopia bottle. Pours out Fruitopia. Spits into Fruitopia bottle)

The fackin’ Giants ahhh the best team in the warld? THEY WEREN’T EVEN THE BEST TEAM IN THE NFL! Everyone knows that Tawmmy Brady and my boy Billy Belichick were-ah the fackin’ cream of the NFL crawp last season. They were-ah the best team! They just happened to lose Supah Bowl Farty Two! The Giants gawt fackin’ lucky! The Pats still went 16-0 in the regulah season. You know how many othah teams have done that? Fackin’ zero! That’s history. Yar fackin’ denying history. YAH PRAWBABLY ALSO WANT TO DENY THE HAWLOCAWST, YOU FACKS! HAWLOCAWST DENY-AH! HAWLOCAWST DENY-AH! HAWLOCAWST DENY-AH!

(spits into Fruitopia bottle)

To deny my beloved Red Sawx and my somewhat beloved Pats they-ah rightful place in history is a fackin’ great disgrace upawn the reputation of needless awaaahd shows. You’ve lawst yah credibility, yah fackin’ ASSTHUMBAHS! This is the warst thing that has evah fackin’ happened in the history of everything evah. Even warse than when Karn cancelled they-ah consart in WOOSTAH! I was gawnna drawp acid that night! And I did!

(fills Fruitopia bottle. Spits on floor)

But you underestimate the great resawlve of the legendary Beantown faithful. We’ll get ovah this. Togethah. We’re-ah ah fackin’ tight knit town. We stick togethah. Except for those fackin’ nips on my cawnah. I hope they get fackin’ sent back to the fackin’ rice paddies! Ching chong cho, yah fackin’ gooks. LESS GOOKS, MOR-AH YOOOOOOOOKS!!!!

We survive. We endur-ah. Know why? Becawse we have charactah. You wouldn’t fackin’ undahstand that. But we do. We’ve lived through some haaaahd times. And this is one of those times. To think I was enjoyin’ another fackin’ Celtics title just a couple weeks ago, only to be knawked down by you facks once again.

(spits on floor)

Well, we’ll show you. We’ll get ow-uh ESPY, and then we’ll rub in yah fackin’ face UNTIL YOU WANT TO DIE! SUCK ON THAT, JIZZDRINKAHS!!!!