DREW BREES: (hammers nail into newly built house) Phew! That’s five houses re-built in New Orleans this week! If I hurry I can still finish remodeling the orphanage across town before training camp starts tomorrow.

KID: Mister Brees! Can I have an autograph?

BREES: Of course you can, young man.

(takes off shirt, signs shirt, gives it to KID)

Saayyyy… those shoes of yours look awfully ragged. I bet you’d like some new ones!

KID: Would I!!!

BREES: Tell you what, I’d love to go with you to buy some new ones right now, but I’ve got stuff to take care of across town before the UNICEF benefit tonight. Here’s some money.

(hands KID $800)

Buy some for your brothers and sisters, too, okay?

(rubs KID’s head before KID runs off)

BREES: Adorable little scamp.

DISEMBODIED VOICE: DREWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!

BREES: Who said that??

VOICE: DREW BREEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!

BREES: Oh, no. It’s… it’s…
















DREW BREES’S BIRTHMARK: MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! MISS ME, HONEY?

BREES: No. No, it can’t be! I got rid of you!

BIRTHMARK: YOU CAN NEVER BE RID OF ME. YOUR PUNY ELECTIVE SURGERY CAN’T REMOVE ME FROM YOUR VERY SOUL.

BREES: Listen, it wasn’t anything personal. I just… I just didn’t like the effect you had on me. I’m a better person now. I started a non-profit–

BIRTHMARK: EAT THESE MUSHROOMS.

BREES: No.

BIRTHMARK: EAT THEM.

BREES: I’m not going to do things for your amusement any more. New Orleans needs my help.

BIRTHMARK: GOING TO SAVE THE CITY WITH ANOTHER 18-INTERCEPTION SEASON? EAT THE FUCKING MUSHROOMS!

BREES: (eats mushrooms) Ohhhh… I don’t feel so good. My stomach…

BIRTHMARK: HERE, THIS SHOULD HELP.

BREES: (drinks entire bottle)

BIRTHMARK: NOW GET YOUR ASS DOWN TO BOURBON STREET!

[three hours later]

BREES: (walking through a sea of people) BEARS! Bears everywhere! I’m freaking out man! I’m freaking out! Oh Jesus don’t let them get me!

BIRTHMARK: TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF AND THIS WILL ALL GO AWAY, DREW.

BREES: (takes off pants) Ahhh…


COP: Hey buddy…

BREES: Ahhhh!!!! A centaur!!!!

BIRTHMARK: THIS NIGHT RULES.