Gosh, I Just Love Helping New Orleans in Any Way Possible
DREW BREES: (hammers nail into newly built house) Phew! That’s five houses re-built in New Orleans this week! If I hurry I can still finish remodeling the orphanage across town before training camp starts tomorrow.
KID: Mister Brees! Can I have an autograph?
BREES: Of course you can, young man.
(takes off shirt, signs shirt, gives it to KID)
Saayyyy… those shoes of yours look awfully ragged. I bet you’d like some new ones!
KID: Would I!!!
BREES: Tell you what, I’d love to go with you to buy some new ones right now, but I’ve got stuff to take care of across town before the UNICEF benefit tonight. Here’s some money.
(hands KID $800)
Buy some for your brothers and sisters, too, okay?
(rubs KID’s head before KID runs off)
BREES: Adorable little scamp.
DISEMBODIED VOICE: DREWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!
BREES: Who said that??
VOICE: DREW BREEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!
BREES: Oh, no. It’s… it’s…
DREW BREES’S BIRTHMARK: MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! MISS ME, HONEY?
BREES: No. No, it can’t be! I got rid of you!
BIRTHMARK: YOU CAN NEVER BE RID OF ME. YOUR PUNY ELECTIVE SURGERY CAN’T REMOVE ME FROM YOUR VERY SOUL.
BREES: Listen, it wasn’t anything personal. I just… I just didn’t like the effect you had on me. I’m a better person now. I started a non-profit–
BIRTHMARK: EAT THESE MUSHROOMS.
BREES: No.
BIRTHMARK: EAT THEM.
BREES: I’m not going to do things for your amusement any more. New Orleans needs my help.
BIRTHMARK: GOING TO SAVE THE CITY WITH ANOTHER 18-INTERCEPTION SEASON? EAT THE FUCKING MUSHROOMS!
BREES: (eats mushrooms) Ohhhh… I don’t feel so good. My stomach…
BIRTHMARK: HERE, THIS SHOULD HELP.
BREES: (drinks entire bottle)
BIRTHMARK: NOW GET YOUR ASS DOWN TO BOURBON STREET!
[three hours later]
BREES: (walking through a sea of people) BEARS! Bears everywhere! I’m freaking out man! I’m freaking out! Oh Jesus don’t let them get me!
BIRTHMARK: TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF AND THIS WILL ALL GO AWAY, DREW.
BREES: (takes off pants) Ahhh…
COP: Hey buddy…
BREES: Ahhhh!!!! A centaur!!!!
BIRTHMARK: THIS NIGHT RULES.
Tags: captain caveman, Drew Brees's birthmark, Drugs are bad
July 29th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
The snozberry MD 20/20 tastes like snozberry MD 20/20.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
For a second…just one second…I was expecting Marmalard.
This was funny too.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF AND THIS WILL ALL GO AWAY, DREW.
You’d be surprised at how many situations that can be applied to.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
I remember being on acid on bourbon street. I saw some guy getting arrested for smoking weed and started laughing uncontrollably. No real point to the story, but drugs are pretty awesome.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
If there’s one thing I don’t recommend in New Orleans, it’s new shoes
July 29th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Damn CC, I thought it was a mole. Either way…hilarious!!!
July 29th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
At least now Shockey has somebody to party with.
Tattoos > Birthmarks
July 29th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Now we know what happened to Gorbachev.
July 29th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
@porky -well, brees and rivers do have a history in san diego. wouldn’t be surprised if the birthmark WAS marmalard himself. (but the all-time greatest Rivers post has already been done. I will remember that Joker spoof forever and always as it eats my peaceful dreams at night and shits nightmares in my skull for the rest of my life)
July 29th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
The rest of the interview will be Centaur questions.
July 29th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
I was kind of expecting Shockey to come in and run over the kid like that preseason game his rookie year. You all remember the 5th string corner Shockey ran over to cause everyone to want to rub his jock, right?
What a dick.
Anyway this was good too.
July 29th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
“That’s what I’m talkin’ about! Now grab some bacon grease and slather me up some homies!”
July 29th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
The rest of the interview will be Centaur questions.
Questions about Kim Kardashian? Who gives a fuck about that human petri dish?
July 29th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
ugh, i almost forgot about md 20/20 and it made me puke a little when i saw the bottle.
July 29th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Between Brees’ Birthmark, Fitty’s unicorn, and Jason Garrett’s satanic sex rituals, this preseason is shaping up to be real mystical-like.
July 29th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
His wife’s name is Britney.
Yeah, I got nothin’ else. I’ve never heard of this dude. I had to Google him to find out who the hell he is.
July 29th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
New Orleans = filthiest city I’ve ever been to. And I’ve been to Baltimore.
July 29th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
UpstateUnderdog Says:
July 29th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
New Orleans = filthiest city I’ve ever been to.
Just the way we like it. No hypocrisy in our make-up. You want titties? We got titties. You want to get shit-faced drunk and sleep in a pool of vomit from 2 days ago? It can be arranged. Keep your kids out — unless the daughters got a nice pair growing. Then come on in!!
July 29th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
You are freaking out…….man.
July 29th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
I agree with UU. Super gross nasty city. Grosser than… mexico even!
July 29th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Now I said it was filthy, but I also had a great time there. Winning $500 playing craps at Harrah’s helped.
July 29th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Super gross nasty city.
Enjoy something like nice, clean, quiet Salt Lake City then.
July 29th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
I love that in order to establish authority to talk about how shitty cities are in this country, you first have to say,
“I have been to Baltimore.”
July 29th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
New Orleans is great. Going in 3 weeks to drink hand grenades and get lap dances.
July 29th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Drew brees is a dick. I am from austin and was a lineman at a Summer Camp with Brees. I wanted to pull a Any Given Sunday and just let the defense run through a kill that cockfuck.
July 29th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
I lived in Mexico City, and NOLA is shittier. Best thing that happened to that city was the hurricane.
Yes, I understand you can get plastered drunk and fuck underage girls there, but you can do that anywhere if you put your mind to it. Only a classless backwards trashy place would hang their hats on that fact.
Commence the backlash, I won’t be paying attention.
July 29th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
I was expecting Marmalade as well.
July 29th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
The rest of the interview will be Centaur questions.
all the videos have been taken down, but its still one of walken’s best snl skits
July 29th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Outstanding! Then all the New Orleans bashers brought me down. RB’s Pimp is right, don’t like it? Cant hang? Stay the fuck out!
/misses me some Big Eazy
July 29th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
All I’ll say to finish my defense of New Orleans is that the most deplorable behavior is done not by the locals, but by the Midwestern tourists who descend upon the city hoping to live the fantasy.
New Orleans is one of the few places left in America where things haven’t been made family-friendly or Disneyfied (looking at you Vegas). It’s still a place for adults to have fun.
July 29th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Best thing that happened to that city was the hurricane? Is that you Pat Robertson?
/just checking to see if Jesus is still monitoring this site
July 29th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
What’s Brees doing with that inflamed pussy on his face?
What?!?!
July 29th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
One last question. If you saw the back half ofba horse sticking out of a barn. Would you have sex with it? Not knowing if it was a horse or a cenataur.
July 29th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Centaur? Posleen?
July 29th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
Yeah, but does Baltimore have anything approaching the awesomeness of Bourbon Street? Fuck and no.
And fuck the Inner Harbor.
July 29th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
westbrook- i dont know if anywhere in the US has anything approaching the awesomeness of bourbon street…
July 29th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
But Bodymore, Murdaland does have a street of strip clubs somewhere downtown that’s walking distance to the Inner Harbor. That’s got to count for something right? RIGHT????
Never mind.
July 29th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
I’m picturing a Shockey/Birthmark EPIC during Mardi Gras.
July 29th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
@ j4b
I can go see cracked out, shabby looking strippers in Philly. Why do I need to go to The Sixth Circle of Hell to see ‘em?
Besides, from everything I hear, Houston is the strip club capital of America and Montreal the of the World. Yeeehaw, mon friere!
July 29th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
New Orleans is the shit. We have more fun down here on a random Tuesday night than the rest of the country has on pick-your-favorite-damn-holiday.
Rebirth tonight at the Maple Leaf. Y’all can suck it.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=3E1VBCcA76E
July 29th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
“BEARS! Bears everywhere! I’m freaking out man! I’m freaking out! Oh Jesus don’t let them get me!”
awesome.
July 29th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
@Ryno… am I the only one that got the Family Guy reference…?
July 29th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Yeah, but does Baltimore have anything approaching the awesomeness of Bourbon Street? Fuck and no.
baltimore has crabs. baltimore’s crabs have crabs :)
(am formerly of shit towns such as cleveland and baltimore, and possibily including milwaukee, but for other reasons)
July 29th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
wait wait… i smell a commenter draft coming… shittiest towns anyone??
July 29th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Besides, from everything I hear, Houston is the strip club capital of America and Montreal the of the World. Yeeehaw, mon friere!
I would advise you gentlemen to stay out of any strip clubs in Texas as long as Adam Jones plays for the Cowboys.
July 29th, 2008 at 9:12 pm
I’d love to see the Birthmark beat the every loving crap out of “YOU BETTA ASK SOOOOOMMMMMEEEEEEBBBOOOODDDYYYYY”
Oh, wait…I think to this point in their respective careers it already has.
July 29th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
dallas is the titbar capital of the us. all houston’s managed to do is corner the market on the borderline-illicit lingerie-modeling emporium trade. pay your bucks, watch some hot skank sashay around in what some people would call her unmentionables, and eventally get round to negotiating a price for the sex act of your choice. just be sure she’s not an undercover hpd vice cop – some of whom are so hot that it should constitute entrapment.
July 29th, 2008 at 10:26 pm
Dallas, Houston… they’re all the same.
@ Leigh
Good call.
July 30th, 2008 at 3:09 am
Nawlins is great. Name one other city that makes its own gravy whenever it rains!
July 30th, 2008 at 8:20 am
True story: I pounded a bottle of MD 20/20 in 37 seconds. The next four hours I had to piece together from friends and police testimony.
July 30th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
I loved the post. Ugh MD 20/20 reminded me of my catholic high school years. Reggie Bush’s Pimp is awesome. Thanks for taking some of the heat for our beloved hometown.