LARRY FITZGERALD: Aw, yeeeeeah! OTAs are finally over, and I’m gonna celebrate with a few boxes of crackers! Holy shit, I love crackers! Y’all ain’t gettin’ none of my shit. This ain’t no Piggly Wiggly, motherfuckers! Get yo’ asses up outta hee-uh.
They say you can’t eat six crackers in a minute? Well, I’m gonna eat 10 crackers the first minute, and seven crackers each additional minute. And then I’m gonna get some vodka, some naked girls and a Super Soaker and get me some–
VOICE FROM ABOVE: Fitty…
LARRY FITZGERALD: [looks around] And then I’m gonna put some vodka on their titties, and get some fireworks, and then–
VOICE FROM ABOVE: Fitty…
LARRY FITZGERALD: [looks around] What’s that? Who’s there?
VOICE FROM ABOVE: Fitty…Over here…in the woods…
[Fitty runs into the woods near the practice facility]
LARRY FITZGERALD: [looks around] I don’t see anything…Show yourself, mysterious devil creature!
VOICE FROM ABOVE: Very well, Fitty…
LARRY FITZGERALD: Oh my god…It can’t be…It can’t be!
[angelic voices singing: "Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh"] . . . . . .
UNICORN: Yes, Fitty. I’m a unicorn, with a sasquatch on my back. We’ve come a long way to reach you, Fitty.
UNICORN: We’ve been watching you for some time. Watching over you. Guiding you.
SASQUATCH: RAWR BLOODY BALLSACK!
LARRY FITZGERALD: Hey, where that big hairy nigga get dem shoes? Dem’s tight!
UNICORN: And now Fitty, we need your help.
LARRY FITZGERALD: My help?
UNICORN: Yes, Fitty. Our kingdom is under siege. Our homes are being ravaged. It’s up to you to save us. We have nowhere else to turn.
LARRY FITZGERALD: What do you want me to do?
UNICORN: You will know what to do, but you must hurry! Save us, Fitty! Time is short!
SASQUATCH: GRRR BIG TITTIES!
UNICORN: Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave ussssssss!
[Unicorn gallops off]
LARRY FITZGERALD: What in sweet fuck just happened?
ANQUAN BOLDIN: [From a distance] Fitty?
LARRY FITZGERALD: Quan? What are you doing out here in the woods?
ANQUAN BOLDIN: I was ass-fucking the equipment manager’s daughter. What are you doing out here?
LARRY FITZGERALD: I think I was just recruited by a cadre of mythical creatures to save their universe.
ANQUAN BOLDIN: Why do you get stupid when you eat those old-ass crackers, Fitty?
LARRY FITZGERALD: Those crackers were old?
ANQUAN BOLDIN: C’mon, man. Let’s get showered up or we’re gonna miss Leinart’s End Of OTAs party. I heard he’s gonna have three bitches fucking a goat, but the goat’s gonna be wearing like, three strap-ons.
LARRY FITZGERALD: If they’re using strap-ons, Quan, that’s not really fuckin’.
ANQUAN BOLDIN: I don’t give a fuck what it is; I WANT TO SEE IT.
LARRY FITZGERALD: Alright, man, we’ll get to that party. I’m gonna go get my crackers.
ANQUAN BOLDIN: Hurry up, fool! Find me in the parking lot!
LARRY FITZGERALD: Hang on man, my shit’s right here.
[grabs box, checks expiration date]
These crackers are still good, man. These crackers…
[reaches into box, grabs something]
What the fuck is this?
[pulls hand out of the cracker box, holding cell phone made of gold]
. . . . . .
[dials 1 for voicemail]
24-KARAT GOLD PHONE: You have two new messages. First message…
UNICORN: Fitty, you found the phone! This phone will be your link to our world. Dial 2 to reach me. You also have access to movies on this phone, Fitty. Access any movie you please. Call me when you’re ready to save us Fitty! Hurry!
LARRY FITZGERALD: How the fuck’s a gotdamn unicorn gonna check voicemail?
24-KARAT GOLD PHONE: Second message…
SASQUATCH: ARRGGHH CRAZY PUSSY TIME!
LARRY FITZGERALD: Man, I love that guy.
24-KARAT GOLD PHONE: Message…saved.
Episode V: later this week…maybe
I want more like this!
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