Episode IV: Return Of The Fitty
LARRY FITZGERALD: Aw, yeeeeeah! OTAs are finally over, and I’m gonna celebrate with a few boxes of crackers! Holy shit, I love crackers! Y’all ain’t gettin’ none of my shit. This ain’t no Piggly Wiggly, motherfuckers! Get yo’ asses up outta hee-uh.
They say you can’t eat six crackers in a minute? Well, I’m gonna eat 10 crackers the first minute, and seven crackers each additional minute. And then I’m gonna get some vodka, some naked girls and a Super Soaker and get me some–
VOICE FROM ABOVE: Fitty…
LARRY FITZGERALD: [looks around] And then I’m gonna put some vodka on their titties, and get some fireworks, and then–
VOICE FROM ABOVE: Fitty…
LARRY FITZGERALD: [looks around] What’s that? Who’s there?
VOICE FROM ABOVE: Fitty…Over here…in the woods…
[Fitty runs into the woods near the practice facility]
LARRY FITZGERALD: [looks around] I don’t see anything…Show yourself, mysterious devil creature!
VOICE FROM ABOVE: Very well, Fitty…
LARRY FITZGERALD: Oh my god…It can’t be…It can’t be!
[angelic voices singing: "Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh"] . . . . . .
UNICORN: Yes, Fitty. I’m a unicorn, with a sasquatch on my back. We’ve come a long way to reach you, Fitty.
UNICORN: We’ve been watching you for some time. Watching over you. Guiding you.
SASQUATCH: RAWR BLOODY BALLSACK!
LARRY FITZGERALD: Hey, where that big hairy nigga get dem shoes? Dem’s tight!
UNICORN: And now Fitty, we need your help.
LARRY FITZGERALD: My help?
UNICORN: Yes, Fitty. Our kingdom is under siege. Our homes are being ravaged. It’s up to you to save us. We have nowhere else to turn.
LARRY FITZGERALD: What do you want me to do?
UNICORN: You will know what to do, but you must hurry! Save us, Fitty! Time is short!
SASQUATCH: GRRR BIG TITTIES!
UNICORN: Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave ussssssss!
[Unicorn gallops off]
LARRY FITZGERALD: What in sweet fuck just happened?
ANQUAN BOLDIN: [From a distance] Fitty?
LARRY FITZGERALD: Quan? What are you doing out here in the woods?
ANQUAN BOLDIN: I was ass-fucking the equipment manager’s daughter. What are you doing out here?
LARRY FITZGERALD: I think I was just recruited by a cadre of mythical creatures to save their universe.
ANQUAN BOLDIN: Why do you get stupid when you eat those old-ass crackers, Fitty?
LARRY FITZGERALD: Those crackers were old?
ANQUAN BOLDIN: C’mon, man. Let’s get showered up or we’re gonna miss Leinart’s End Of OTAs party. I heard he’s gonna have three bitches fucking a goat, but the goat’s gonna be wearing like, three strap-ons.
LARRY FITZGERALD: If they’re using strap-ons, Quan, that’s not really fuckin’.
ANQUAN BOLDIN: I don’t give a fuck what it is; I WANT TO SEE IT.
LARRY FITZGERALD: Alright, man, we’ll get to that party. I’m gonna go get my crackers.
ANQUAN BOLDIN: Hurry up, fool! Find me in the parking lot!
LARRY FITZGERALD: Hang on man, my shit’s right here.
[grabs box, checks expiration date]
These crackers are still good, man. These crackers…
[reaches into box, grabs something]
What the fuck is this?
[pulls hand out of the cracker box, holding cell phone made of gold]
. . . . . .
Whoa….
[dials 1 for voicemail]
24-KARAT GOLD PHONE: You have two new messages. First message…
UNICORN: Fitty, you found the phone! This phone will be your link to our world. Dial 2 to reach me. You also have access to movies on this phone, Fitty. Access any movie you please. Call me when you’re ready to save us Fitty! Hurry!
LARRY FITZGERALD: How the fuck’s a gotdamn unicorn gonna check voicemail?
24-KARAT GOLD PHONE: Second message…
SASQUATCH: ARRGGHH CRAZY PUSSY TIME!
LARRY FITZGERALD: Man, I love that guy.
24-KARAT GOLD PHONE: Message…saved.
Episode V: later this week…maybe
Tags: another trilogy you'll soon forget, fitty, goats wearing strap-ons, MMP, sasquatches, unicorns
July 1st, 2008 at 8:01 am
Hurley ate 15 year old crackers and he turned out fine…
Oh wait, yeah mental institution.
/LOST chat
July 1st, 2008 at 8:11 am
If only Charles Rogers had a unicorn with a sasquatch wearing pimp-ass shoes on his back maybe things might have turned out differently…
July 1st, 2008 at 8:31 am
Larry likes the tittay? I wouldnt have guessed that
July 1st, 2008 at 8:37 am
This post reads like a desperate cry for an intervention.
Freebasing Dran-O is not a wise choice, Punter.
July 1st, 2008 at 8:41 am
That kingdom is fucked. As their sasquatches have only left feet (or perhaps only shoes for the left foot), their foes can easily defeat them by circling counterclockwise around the clumsy bastards.
They must want Fitty to bring them some shoes for the right foot. Shoes big enough to fit the sasquatch. Something tells me that Shaq is about to get burgled.
July 1st, 2008 at 8:42 am
Wisenslut or at least Kurt n’ Kitna need to be at Leinert’s party!
July 1st, 2008 at 8:43 am
Fitty’s going to save Sasquatch from a bunch of yokels eating Jack Links.
July 1st, 2008 at 8:49 am
I.
Uh.
Yeah.
/scratches head
July 1st, 2008 at 9:11 am
best.photoshop.ever.
July 1st, 2008 at 9:12 am
“ARRGGHH CRAZY PUSSY TIME!”
Who knew Sasquatch hung out with da Pacman?
July 1st, 2008 at 9:17 am
OH MY GOD HOORAY. I hadn’t dared to hope that Fitty would make a return…
July 1st, 2008 at 9:32 am
Why is flubby riding Ufford? And in those shoes?
July 1st, 2008 at 9:49 am
I.
Uh.
Yeah.
Perfectly summed up there Jewbacca.
July 1st, 2008 at 9:52 am
Potentially this could be KSK’s “Narnia.” With crackers. And Sasquatch porn.
July 1st, 2008 at 9:59 am
Hmmmm going into a holiday weekend………let’s see…
Crackers? check
Vodka? check
Naked Girls? check
Super Soaker? check
3 Bitches Fucking a Goat? check
Party with Unicorn and Sasquatch? check
Yep, that about covers it.
July 1st, 2008 at 10:07 am
Moldy old crackers induced an LSD trip. Finally, something explains grandma’s behavior.
July 1st, 2008 at 10:29 am
Moldy old crackers induced an LSD trip
Didn’t House already do it?
July 1st, 2008 at 10:45 am
I’d like to commend Punte on his use of the N-word. We don’t see it often enough on here. And I’m black, so fuck the nigga (or liberal Premium cracker) who takes offense to it.
July 1st, 2008 at 10:54 am
“Moldy old crackers,” eh? Like Willie Nelson?
July 1st, 2008 at 10:55 am
@Maj
Grandma ate nasty old crackers from a rusty premuim cracker tin… and she was batshit nuts.
Dunno from House. Evening programs cut into my required bar hours.
July 1st, 2008 at 11:08 am
I can already see Double J hiring sasquatch as Assistant Coach, Pussy/Titties
July 1st, 2008 at 11:31 am
This story should have introduced the new “Jeez Punte that’s just…” tag.
July 1st, 2008 at 11:42 am
“If they’re using strap-ons, Quan, that’s not really fuckin’.”
First I just laughed. Then, I actually was considering the premise. Finally, I realized that I was actually considering whether or not using strap-ons counts as fucking and kind of grossed myself out.
July 1st, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Clearly you’ve never been fucked with one. If you had, there would be no doubt.
July 1st, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Maybe? Maybe? WTF?
You remind me of my college friend who never finished his stories. He was telling us this good one and then he died. I never did hear the end of how his cancer treatment was going.
July 1st, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Should we have gotten these 3 first and then the previous trilogy to explain the backstory of the crackers? Either way I agree with the gay french speedskater…
Jeez Punte that’s just…
July 1st, 2008 at 12:54 pm
No wonder the Cardinals never make the playoffs. All that peyote and moldy crackers makes it tough to concentrate.
And I thought Sasquatch made an announcement that he was no longer going by Sasquatch, but by his real name, Adam Jones.
July 1st, 2008 at 1:18 pm
between this and your Atonement rewrite, punter, you can easily corner the market on drama/fantasy aimed at us perverted, soulless misogynists.
July 1st, 2008 at 1:22 pm
For the love of God and all that’s holy, please start the season already. We already had to deal with people talking about soccer this summer and now this? Talk about “for the gays”.
July 1st, 2008 at 1:41 pm
to appreciate the existential genius that is the fitty, you need a fo-ty.
in each hand.
July 1st, 2008 at 4:27 pm
Crackers: never explain, never apologize.
July 1st, 2008 at 5:58 pm
But how did Quan get off the plane? And what was on Fitty’s towel?!?
Trust me, I’ve been waiting desperately for the fourth installment.
July 1st, 2008 at 7:15 pm
Holy shit! I never realized this was a fiction site.
July 1st, 2008 at 11:20 pm
@ el hombre
is that sad you were desperately awaiting another installment
is it sadder that i have been too?
ball sacccccccck
July 2nd, 2008 at 9:31 am
There is only one Sasquatch, and he will be playing Center for the Portland Trailblazers this year.
July 2nd, 2008 at 9:58 am
this.
was.
awesome.
/more please
July 2nd, 2008 at 12:34 pm
K, Sasquatch is no Michael Vick, but he is now my second-favorite character. By far the most articulate of all of them.
August 20th, 2008 at 8:30 am
[...] One of these days, we’ll find out what whether Larry Fitzgerald saved the unicorn’s kingdom or went to Leinart’s house to watch three women have sex [...]