Ever since I can remember, mascots getting assaulted has been funny. And I’m not talking about the bullshit mascot-on-mascot fights that get staged for amusement. I’m talking about a human being causing pain to another human being inside a plush furry suit, an instance as rare and marvelous as a moment of silence during a Madden-Michaels Sunday Night Football game.
Hollywood indulges us, thankfully. Bull Durham. Ace Ventura. “The Simpsons” (Hey! You’re the guys that didn’t like our capering!). It’s a guaranteed laugh for anyone who likes stupid humor (read: me), because it indulges us in a fantasy we’ll never get to live: beating the ever-living tar out of a mascot with a 30-inch section of lead pipe.
This brings us to today’s draft: which mascot would you most like to beat mercilessly until there was nothing but a broken heap of loose stuffing mingled with blood? I gotta go with a can’t-miss #1 draft pick:
…
…
Sure, there are other mascots that are technically more annoying, and I would loath doing anything that resembled a favor to die-hard Pittsburgh fans, but I can’t deny the cathartic release in the symbolism of Steely McBeam’s death by gruesome bludgeoning.
Your turn. Be sure to wait ten picks in between selections, and don’t feel limited to the sporting arena. There are plenty of corporate mascots that oughta be attacked with a hydraulic nail gun. (I’m looking at you, Ronald McDonald.) Just be sure they have some kind of physical representation by a human in costume. So: yes to the Burger King, no to the Taco Bell chihuahua. It’s no fun unless you’re committing actual murder, people.
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Can’t pick a real animal. Besides, if the LSU Tiger got out and decided to go all “bitchcakes” on the LSU sideline, it’d make UGA IV’s “attack” on Auburn’s Robert Brooks look like the non-event it was.
Good call on the Western Kentucky Hilltopper “thing”.
Stanford’s Tree. And here’s why -> Any school whose mascot is different than the athletic team’s name. (Stanford is the Cardinal (singular)).
So UNC (Ram, Tar heel), Stanford (Tree, Cardinal), Auburn (War Eagle, Tiger), you get the picture.
Oh and that creeeepy Burger King guy.
Unless I missed something, nobody picked the abominable Slamson of the Sacramento Kings. Of course, he already looks dead.
Barney.
The pure joy of hearing that overstuffed purple dino swear as he is whacked at the knees, which will bring him down to a height that is right in my wheel house, where my second swing would decapitate the bastard.
Followed by a hundred swings at the remain carcass.
Chris Berman
How about Willie the Wildcat from K-State. What a fuckin toolbox.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-A-05wPlQQ4
Wendy. Fucking ugly ginger bitch.
My vote goes to the 3 gay Ravens birds, Edgar, allen and Poe. And this
Really has nothing to do with the fact
One of the slapdick birds took my Terrible Towel, and wiped their ass/tail with it.
For my one and only pick in the draft, I have to go with my hometown mascot, Sir Purr of the carolina panthers. The only mascot I know of who actually drew a 15 yard penalty for downing a punt many years ago. What a douchebag. on a side note, it is a really sad commentary on life when you’re 15 minutes of fame comes inside a furry plush animal suit.
i can’t wait to see BDD sport that brain-dead make-a-wish-foundation expression to bissinger when they meet in 6 months, although steely won’t be there to coach him.
@smurphette – what a stupid bitch.
Okay, since I did honest-to-God work today and couldn’t circle-jerk with the rest of yinz, I got one for you:
Any member of a rap group who is obviously the made-up, dressed-up, clown-ass caricature of the culture who exhibits no other real talents other than to act a fool and fill the stage with shiny baubles, the group’s signature apparel, and total failure during shows and videos. Examples include: Flavor Flav, Memphis Bleek, Tony Yayo, damn near half of the Dip-Set, and none of the motherfucking Wu-Tang Clan.
By the way, if you’ve read this far *Smurphette*cough*Smurphette,* I was smiling from ear to ear while reading your Madison-Jefferson exchange. I am highly impressed (not that it matters what this podunk Hoosier boy thinks). Forgive my geek-out, but one of my favorite quotes for debating those who argue our country’s founders would agree with our current state of affairs: “If tyranny and oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.” True dat sir; true dat.
damn.. someone already took him.. guess that’s what i get for picking last.. in that case give me the faggoty 49er gold miner.
That creepy talking baby from those E-trade commercials. Goddamn, that’s some fucked up shit right there. It’s not original, it’s not clever, it’s simply a fucking freak show.
“But it’s just a baby!” you say. “How could you kill a baby?”
Well, first of all they are surprisingly easy to catch and don’t require a maximum amount of effort. Get creative! Have some fun with it!
Yes, I would kill a baby.
Again.
that old naked pederast in a barrel at broncos games
Woodsy the Owl, Smokey the Bear, and Gerry Giraffe from Toys ‘R Us.
Fuck the lot of them with a Garden Weasel.
My first pick would have been Rowdy the flamingly homosexual mascot of the Cowboys. That is the most pathetic, gayest mascot of all time. Cheers to dick_gozinia. I didn’t know that the mother fucking mighty ducks had a mascot, but anything associated with that cock sucking team needs to be destroyed. Regardless if Disney no longer owns them, their existence is because of the mother fucking Disney corporation hyping an incredibly stupid Disney movie. FUCK YOU WALT
Since Rowdy is gone, fucknuts Anaheim Ducks mascot is gone, Barrel man is gone, Ronnie Woo Woo is gone, the mother fucking ND lerechaun is gone, I will take Screech the ridicoulous mascot of the Washington Nationals
He’s not so much a mascot, but I”d love beating the buh-je-zus out of the singing black guy in the hardhat that sings after every Detroit Lions’ score.
As a loving Bears fan, I had to suffer a year of my life in southeast Michigan and made it to a Lions/Bears and Lions/Viks game.
I swear to god, if you haven’t seen it, it is the most shameless sorry-ass thing ever. Lions are down 35-3 late in the 3rd and they kick a field goal??? Here comes numbnuts singing, “Marching down the field…….. blah blah to a LIONS VICTORRRRYYYYY!!!!” Give me a break and shut the hell up. Given the chance I’d make the beaches of Normandy look like a waterballoon fight with what I’d do to this guys face.
The Syracuse Orange reminds you of an ex-girlfriend? Was she an overweight fake baker?
I hate the Syracuse Orange, only because he reminds me of an ex-girlfriend. I would break his back, suplex him, put in the camel clutch, break his back and THEN fuck his ass.
/exit Iron Shiek
You’re all ignoring a really pressing question – why is Steely McBeam visiting the fat zombie lady from the remake of Dawn of the Dead in the hospital?
Remember the dude who was the “face” for facebook? I actually knew that guy. He was a tool. I wouldn’t brutally murder him, but maybe the clap for him.
@J4B
shouldn’t've given ‘em notice, dude. now, they’ll be bringing their own field artillery. this should make for some firefight. not sure what a safe distance to watch it from would be, though. good luck, MarHar.
There is apparently a Proffessional Indoor Lacrosse League, and in this league is a team called the New York Titans, and their mascot is essentially Marvin the Martian with a slightly different helmet and color scheme. Oh I don’t care how clever it is that the slats in his helmet make a T. Also, he keeps handing out fliers about hurrying up to get my deposit for my season tickets in ASAP. Ummmm, I didn’t even know you’re league existed, I am not rushing out to go watch every game.
@jujrok: They can keep their sabres, but unless they are Neo, they won’t be able to escape from my SAW or fn Five Seven with cop killer bullets.
/oh yeah I’m MarHar bitches
Marty Moose.
The moose says you’re closed, I say you’re open.
My next selection for mascot murder:
Any Green Bay Packer fan who wears that Cheese Head thing. Such personages are always so cartoonishly-obese (sweating gravy, trans fats and Old Milwaukee) that their mere appearance warrants their classification as mascots, thus making them eligible for foul mascot murder.
@fmra
i appreciate your stand on principle, but you gotta remember, a hot chick is a hot chick, and a guy’s a guy – even standing outside the ballpark dressed as a damn bowling pin. that shit’s just hard-wired to happen.
@J4B:
a&m isn’t just the record label herb alpert founded. it first stood for agricultural & mechanical, descriptors used to clue folks in on what the university’s curricula were geared toward. aggie is a declination therefrom. as far as your scheduled trip to tx a&m, i’ll let the corps of cadets know you’re coming. they’ll meet you at the hertz counter with sabres drawn. sorry, dude, but i know where i’m putting my money in that fight.
Heh. dick_gozinia, can’t stay mad at another hockey fan anyway. And yes, I’ve heard that about Ducks games and it makes me die a little inside. Cool teams with no following (hello Nashville Predators and San Jose Sharks) make me a rullll sad panda, ya feel me?
I’m going to draft the big bowling pin that shills for Jillian’s outside Fenway every baseball game. Why? Because he hit on me once and it pissed me off, that’s why. Fuck you, giant talking bowling pin!
RE Tdub Says:
“Slash, Do you think he’ll tell you mid-stabbing that he knows how you can get those blood stains out?”
After a baseball bat to the mouth, the only sounds coming out will be gurgles and low whimpers, like when Joe Pesci’s character and his brother got beaten down in “Casino.” I was gonna try and come up with something about cleaning up the blood with anything but OxyClean, but I’m not cleaning up that shit.
And I can’t think of any other mascot-like creatures that I really hate that aren’t already taken. I do hate the GEICO gecko, but that one is against the rules. I hate those fucking California cows, too, but again, they don’t qualify.
any Oakland Raider fan in costume has to be considered.
get them before they get you!
Hooters has an owl mascot? Really? Since when?
I’ll take Hootie the Hooters Owl….he distracts from the Hooters Girls….
steal of the day: the stay puft marshmallow man! so i can be a ghostbuster for a day!!
I know, I know, wait 10 picks, blah, blah, blah. Fuck that, I’m late and have ground to cover. How about the Pirate Parrot? While I support your right to get drunk and arrested in someone else’s swimming pool, I cannot support the fact that the team you represent sucks for eternity and that the best thing they could come up with is a Parrot. Why because it sounds like Pirate but would be less threatening to kids? Fuck them. If the little bastards are afraid of a man sporting an eye patch and wielding a sword then they are already doomed to a life of being someone’s bitch.
@smurphette: I hear you, but it has gotten better since 1990 when we beat Clemson for the 1st time in 30 something tries. Still need to get over the hump though…
I’ll take any mascot name Aggie. What in the holy hell is an Aggie? I’ve always wanted to go to those schools with a lead pipe and pull a Gillooly on the Aggie mascot until they lie in a heaping, bloody, shitty mess on the field.
/gets plane ticket for Texas A&M
Fuck, I hate when work gets in the way of a quality KSK draft. As for a late round steal how about the UCLA Bruin. WTF is with the female Bruin mascot that is always with him during games? What? That bitch couldn’t stay home bake you cookies or something, so she had to come to the game and steal some of your spotlight. What a faggot. There is no doubt that in time we’ll come to find out these costumes are occupied by Mr. & Mrs. Doug Christie. Fuck them both. Fuck them right in the ear, with an icepick.
@J4B: Football games at UVA are downright shameful if you’ve grown up going to games in South Bend and Ann Arbor.
What about the penguin from Billy Madison, does that count? If so, I’ll take him.
My replacement pick in place of the Stanford Cardinal, since I am apparently a prick for pushing end and then Ctrl-f is Tom from MySpace.
And I would like to follow him up with Smilin’ Bob from the Enzyte Commercials. Yeah he may be happy about his natural male enhancement, but I wouldn’t be smiling if the whole world knew I had to take pills so my linus could be an adequate size.
Here is my board
1. Sparky the Sundevil
2. Dancing Larry from MSG (FutureMrs., 2 weeks ago I would have agreed to Death by Sean Avery. But now that he’s a Dallas Star, I think that he could give a Gucci Scarf less about what goes on in the Garden)
3. Damon Dash (try to tell me he’s not a mascot)
4. Sparky Dragon the New York Islander’s mascot
5. Tom from Myspace
6. Smilin’ Bob from the Enzyte Commercials.
The Northwestern Wildcat. Why? Sympathy for NU alums. Their mascot who looks like the unholy offspring of a bunny rabbit and a sewer rat.
Late to the party, so we’re gonna take the KSU Wildcat as well. Fuck you and your stupid head on a human’s body. Just fucking lazy.
What of the Seattle Mariners Moose?! Has no one thought of heading out to the PNW to shoot that bastard down and mount his head on the wall?
The Padres masscot has got to go, looks like a some of the priest who drank too much wine at mass and is hallsappy that his team sucks balls
@Auksyte – Warriors was way better but Jumpin’ Jesuits woulda been horrid. Same with the Hilltoppers. Just thank god we’re no longer the Gold.
Direct your hate towards the DePaul Blue Demon… He is evil and must be destroyed!!!
For my second pick, I’ll take Sparty, the Michigan State Spartan. Why? Because FUCK HIM, that’s why.
The WB frog.
“fuckin’ racist ass frog.”
@5823111
you just became some fbi profiler’s latest case study. watch your back.
@ 5823111
wow. brutal and delicious.
Mrs. Butterworth. Just for the things I’d do to her before I killed her. So hot. So syrupy. And let’s just say she won’t be lonely in the shallow grave she’ll eventually occupy. Haven’t heard much from Little Debbie lately, have you? Bwah hah hah!
Also, I’d like to kill whoever dresses up in that Joe Paterno costume and pretends to coach Penn State’s football team every fall.
Man, if you can’t scroll down to the fourth post, then Ctrl F can’t help you.
Slash,
Do you think he’ll tell you mid-stabbing that he knows how you can get those blood stains out?
everything about the yankees. no men, if men be gods (or think they are). fuck them and the limousines they rode in on.
Is that Big Daddy Drew in the hospital bed?
Anything involving the Cubs.
generally I’m pro-mascot. hell, i was even my schools hockey mascot on occasion. however, the providence friar has to go.
http://www.sugarscostumes.com/galleries/39/images/Friar.jpg
kind of looks like McBeam’s pius cousin or something.
Stupid Friday morning workload. Got here late, so I’ll kill the Air Force Falcon. I’m hungry, and Chick-fil-A is too far away.
Yeah way to mispell Stanford so my Control F didn’t pick it up.
Only. If. By. Gay. You. Mean. Awesome.
Talking. In. One. Word. Sentences. Is. Gay.
Kansas’ Baby Jay.
Half mascots are fucking retarded.
I would like to dig up the rotting, fetid corpse of Harry Carey and beat it over the head with a shovel.
oh, i’ll take reggie bush!
- HEY! I need to sells my womenz! How’s Kim K going to make money?
yeah, the tree was 4th pick. that’s like getting to the 6th round of the NFL draft and saying, oh, i’ll take reggie bush!
The Stanford Cardinal was taken 2 1/2 hours ago I believe.
IceBurg the Penguins mascot, take him down, Sudden Death style.
Does the OxyClean guy count as a mascot? I hate him so very, very much. I would like to beat him down while screaming into his face, so as to silence his annoying yell forever.
Really? Nobody took the Stanford Cardinal? This cracked out looking tree? In addition to be ridiculously easy to kill, he is just so goddam annoying.
That Jets guy with the fireman helmet. I’d like to set his crotch ablaze.
the Raven from the Baltimores. Actually I’m surprised he hasn’t been shot yet while at the games.