Commenter Draft: Mascots We’d Like to Brutally Murder
Ever since I can remember, mascots getting assaulted has been funny. And I’m not talking about the bullshit mascot-on-mascot fights that get staged for amusement. I’m talking about a human being causing pain to another human being inside a plush furry suit, an instance as rare and marvelous as a moment of silence during a Madden-Michaels Sunday Night Football game.
Hollywood indulges us, thankfully. Bull Durham. Ace Ventura. “The Simpsons” (Hey! You’re the guys that didn’t like our capering!). It’s a guaranteed laugh for anyone who likes stupid humor (read: me), because it indulges us in a fantasy we’ll never get to live: beating the ever-living tar out of a mascot with a 30-inch section of lead pipe.
This brings us to today’s draft: which mascot would you most like to beat mercilessly until there was nothing but a broken heap of loose stuffing mingled with blood? I gotta go with a can’t-miss #1 draft pick:
…
…
Sure, there are other mascots that are technically more annoying, and I would loath doing anything that resembled a favor to die-hard Pittsburgh fans, but I can’t deny the cathartic release in the symbolism of Steely McBeam’s death by gruesome bludgeoning.
Your turn. Be sure to wait ten picks in between selections, and don’t feel limited to the sporting arena. There are plenty of corporate mascots that oughta be attacked with a hydraulic nail gun. (I’m looking at you, Ronald McDonald.) Just be sure they have some kind of physical representation by a human in costume. So: yes to the Burger King, no to the Taco Bell chihuahua. It’s no fun unless you’re committing actual murder, people.
July 11th, 2008 at 9:57 am
Mr. Met.
Gayest. Mascot. Ever.
This is who Steely McBeam goes to meet on Fire Island for his summer vacation.
July 11th, 2008 at 9:58 am
PHILLIE PHANATIC
July 11th, 2008 at 9:59 am
The Cheese Head.
Green Bay doesn’t have a mascot so this will do
July 11th, 2008 at 10:00 am
The Standford Tree. Are you kidding me with this bullshit? A fucking evergreen tree?!
July 11th, 2008 at 10:00 am
Duke Blue Devil.
If I have to explain why, you’re someone I wouldn’t like.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:02 am
Does the Pistons PA announcer count?
July 11th, 2008 at 10:04 am
Wally, the Red Sox mascot.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:04 am
The Purdue mascot.
FUCK YOU, TRAIN!
July 11th, 2008 at 10:04 am
Pat. The. Patriot. Must. Die. By. My. Hands.
Try your three point stance now dead guy.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:04 am
Does the Pistons PA announcer count?
No, the rules say the mascot has to be represented in human form.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:04 am
The ‘Cuse Orange.
Way to think out of the box. Assholes.
/on a semi-related note – I worked for Six Flags Great America one summer as a security guard (worst. job. ever.) and THE funniest part of the job is when some kid (read: teenager) would clock Tweety Bird in the head. I personally escorted 3 Tweeties to the infirmary.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:05 am
The Wagon full of OU sooner inbred fuckheads. ALL of them including the horses
“Pillage the women and rape the horses!!”
July 11th, 2008 at 10:05 am
target: the mascot (whose name i’ve ram-dumped in the interest of self-preservation) of the ohio state university. weapon deployed: an easton aluminum baseball bat. result: insufficient remains to permit dna sampling.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:06 am
The USC Trojan. I want that school to burn to the ground.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:06 am
The St. Joe’s Hawk.
STOP FLAPPING DAMNIT!
July 11th, 2008 at 10:06 am
Brutus Buckeye. It’s a fucking chestnut and it represents Ohio St.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:06 am
Bernie the Brewer via making his beer slide a little too slick……
July 11th, 2008 at 10:06 am
Brutus the Buckeye.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:07 am
The UNC Tar Heel mascot, hit by a car
July 11th, 2008 at 10:07 am
GODDAMMIT, U.U.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:08 am
That syphilitic cow, Bevo. And the ass fags that handle him.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:09 am
any moscot that doesn’t wear a mascot outfit. so he just looks like a regular guy. how bout the hawaii “rainbow warrior”. what a homo.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:09 am
CHAUNCEY BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BILLUPS!
DEEEEEEE-TROIT BAS-KET-BALLLLLLLLL
July 11th, 2008 at 10:09 am
The Ohio University Bobcat. I hate my alma mater’s mascot the way Urlacher hates books and condoms. First, of all the predatory animals in the universe, of all the predatory CATS in the universe, some knob in 1803 chose one that’s basically a pissed off house cat. Second, the costume is just LAME. Third, it’s a FUCKING BOBCAT.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:10 am
@big dave
great call. i’ll take the now deceased chief illiniwek out to the woodshed and whoop his ass with a shovel.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:11 am
The Michelin man, mostly because I would want to see him deflate.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:12 am
@ Cheese, at least if you Kill Bevo you get some BBQ and steaks…. and read the rules too. Bevo and his handlers dont count
July 11th, 2008 at 10:13 am
Otto the Orange is King
July 11th, 2008 at 10:13 am
Smurphette can have the Trojan, I want to make glue out of Traveler. Goddamn good for nothing horse needs to get Barbaro’d
July 11th, 2008 at 10:13 am
sorry CC, but jujrok took hom before both of us.
I’m taking the ND leprechaun, because I hate the Irish, fighting Irish that is.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:13 am
For my Pick ill take the San diego chicken, that annoying little bastard
July 11th, 2008 at 10:13 am
@the cheese Says:
bevo’s an actual syphilitic cow – not one in a plush suit worn by the latest, lamest freshman to pledge sigma chi. my understanding of the rules is we ain’t killin actual animals yet. if we are, uga the bulldog is a smokin carcass.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:14 am
Otto,
It’s not the Duke mascot I want to stab, it’s what he stands for.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:15 am
Anaheim Angels Rally Monkey. I know he isn’t around much anymore but it’s time to euthanize this guy. Yeah a fucking monkey really helped you win that World Series.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:15 am
ibis from “the u”. but he’s probably fucking endangered. he’s not a fucking hurricane, he’s a bird! bastardos!
July 11th, 2008 at 10:16 am
TracerBullet, I see your “Standford Tree” and raise you an Oski the Golden Bear, or whatever the hell they call him. After seeing that thing so many times during various Big Games, I want to take Oski behind the stadium and put him out of commission. He just looks like a dirty old man.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:16 am
Lucky the Leprechaun. I love the celtics but seriously that guy is a dickhead. Maybe if he could fire that t-shirt cannon anywhere near my section just once I’d forgive him. Plus, I hate mascots that are just some guy. Call me old fashioned but I like my mascots to have giant foam heads, my beer cold, and my homosexuals flaming.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:16 am
KC Wolf…that bastard didn’t give me his autograph when I was in third grade because I was wearing one of my many Denver Broncos shirts
July 11th, 2008 at 10:16 am
Youppi, I see that orange sac of shit at every Habs game and he is just mocking the loss of the Expos. Piece of garbage
July 11th, 2008 at 10:17 am
Jared from Subway.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:17 am
How about the VA Tech Hokie. What the FUCK is a Hokie you ask? A castrated Turkey you say? How about I castrate you and feed your balls to you…you weak excuse for a mascot.
/takes deep breath
July 11th, 2008 at 10:17 am
@john s.
+1,000,000
July 11th, 2008 at 10:18 am
DAMN you Jackin4Beats!!!
July 11th, 2008 at 10:18 am
Notre Dame Leprechaun.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:19 am
Li’l Red or whatever that fucking overgrown cabbage patch doll the ‘Huskers have is called. I want to rain damage upon that shitheel until he looks like a garbage pail kid. Oh and how has Bob’s Big Boy not jumped on a lawsuit yet?
July 11th, 2008 at 10:19 am
Ace from the Blue Jays. He probably killed his former female partner Diamond who hasn’t been seen in years and ended the run of the former mascot BJ Birdie. The Jays run of mediocrity has also coincided with his arrival. If anyone (besides Tommy LaSorda) suggests Youppie! I will personally hunt down and avenge that lovable muppet’s death.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:19 am
The UPenn Quaker becuase Quakers are pussies and it would be an easy kill.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:20 am
Mark you made the list.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:21 am
the florida state seminole. maybe he’ll fall off his horse and fall on his fucking spear. what. a. douche.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:21 am
John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:21 am
The Alabama Red Tide Elephant… why the fuck is he wearing a sweater?? and elephants are endangered also they never forget so all him homies would be pissed off forever
July 11th, 2008 at 10:21 am
That fucking Cowboys mascot. Why yes rest of the country, this is what Texans are like, now please make fun of us even more.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:22 am
Hey big dave i think we have killed enough indians man… nice pick
July 11th, 2008 at 10:22 am
the Verizon guy
July 11th, 2008 at 10:22 am
tony the tiger. fucking grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat!
July 11th, 2008 at 10:23 am
the florida gator. supercilious, inexplicably fanatical fuck. just like the fans.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:24 am
i just traded up to take…..
chad from alltel. kitten thinks of nothing but murder all day. and i’ll kill the fucking wizard, too.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:24 am
Hip Hop the Philadelphia 76ers rabbit. I’m a Sixers fan but if you’re going to have a huge gray rabbit wearing a do-rag and sunglasses as your mascot, you’re better off with no mascot.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:24 am
Gimme the Titans’ T-Rac mascot and a golf cart and I’ll take that shit from here.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:26 am
Sexual Harassment Panda
July 11th, 2008 at 10:27 am
Weird fucking thing western Kentucky uses as a mascot.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:28 am
Crunch the Timberwolf. I think he has cursed our team just as much as Mchale.
Can I kill Mchale, too?
July 11th, 2008 at 10:28 am
@Big Dave,
I was going to take the verizon guy and chad with the same pick, but didn’t want to be a dick and break the rules, solid choice.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:28 am
CavMan from UVA. Fuck you and your dressing-up to football games and not watching the game.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:28 am
@Ben: Agree. That’s a mercy killing if there ever was one and it was Pat Croce’s only misstep as the Sixers owner.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:29 am
That Buckeye queer.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:32 am
Marylands Terapin… die you fucking turtle!! YOUR JUST A GOD DAMN TURTLE, QUIT MAKING YOURSELF SOUND FANCY AND NAMING YOURSELF SOMETHING NO ONE SAYS
July 11th, 2008 at 10:32 am
@BigRicks
Damn you are cold-blooded.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:32 am
The Penn State lion. I’d like to inject him with Full Blown Aids. Can I throw Joe Pa on there to? Technically he’s been dead for 15 years and is simply a puppet being moved by strings.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:32 am
Dammit, I can’t believe I forgot about the monstrous Cowboys mascot. Good pick, Kyle.
I’ll take the old black dude who dresses like a member of the Village People at Redskins games. Dude, you’re a black guy rooting for the team that resisted integration until the federal government forced them to get get some black players. That doesn’t bother you even a little?
July 11th, 2008 at 10:33 am
McGruff, the Crime Dog. STOP SNITCHIN’!
July 11th, 2008 at 10:33 am
phoenix suns gorilla- dude should at least be able to start for the twolves
July 11th, 2008 at 10:33 am
The Minnesota Viking… what with his beedie eyes and his greasy hair… put a shirt on you douche bag.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:33 am
Apple pitchman Justin Long.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:33 am
The Philly Phanatic… I don’t know what the fuck you are, and I have to destroy what confuses me.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:34 am
@ Student of The Game
Those two aren’t mascots but I just lost 20 minutes of work time thinking about how much I hate John Sterling. He’s top 5 in “people I would risk jail time to punch in the face if I ever met them.”
With my second pick I select the Tampa Bay Ray. I know, lets call him “Ray.” Real fucking original. Asshat.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:34 am
Taking my alma mater as well…the Fordham Ram.
The Ram is a completely reasonable and predatorial mascot, obviously. Except then they went a named the school paper after it.
That’s right, our school paper was actually a gay pride publication call The Ram. Awful.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:35 am
Fireman Ed. J-E-T-S Die Die Die.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:35 am
Lipstick,
his name is Ragnar and he don’t take no shit off-a nobody. Unless, of course, you are an opposing QB and want to chuck it for 330 yards and 3 tuddies.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:36 am
Jesus of Nazareth.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:36 am
@Your Dad’s Panties:
Was he the lead singer or the bass player?
July 11th, 2008 at 10:38 am
Colonel Sanders – The new one that was able to rap and break dance…. not the actual guy who is dead. IF there is a voice actor, he can be killed…
July 11th, 2008 at 10:39 am
Thomas Jefferson of the racing presidents at Nats Park. I dislike the historical figure, so I will take it out on the oversized mascot version.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:40 am
@ Wooderson:
Damn you sir. That vile piece of new york trash should have been my first pick by far.
/self imposed time out.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:40 am
Tdub –
Ragnar is better than Hagar I guess, although the later would be more descriptive of the Queens’ passing defense.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:42 am
Smurphette: Not to get off topic but what could you dislike about the most brilliant mind of the founding fathers?
July 11th, 2008 at 10:42 am
The racing sausages for the Milwaukee Brewers. I would very much like a huge bonfire and several sharp poles.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:44 am
Remorseful, of the Seven Duffs.
Fuck that guy, I don’t need that kind of thing prancing around like he’s cock of the walk. He’s cock of NOTHING!
July 11th, 2008 at 10:44 am
Sparky the Arizona State Sun Devil, FUck that smug bastard.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:45 am
my turn to take my alma mater – the marquette golden eagle. WTF?!?! it sounds lame. there are way tougher birds than golden eagles too. warrior was way better. when we got to vote for mascots, i went with “jumpin jesuits”. now THAT woulda been sweet.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:45 am
Sorry cumpidgeon, but that title goes to James Madison.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:46 am
when they do the hot dog races at “the jake” in cle, ketchup always cheats, so i want to kill him. sgt. slaughter was there one night and clotheslined him, so that was awesome, but i want to finish the job.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:46 am
The “Can you Hear me now guy”
I don’t care if he rolls with the largest network around, I’ll still stomp on his kneecaps and stick a full-blown-AIDS marinated iphone up his ass.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:46 am
Well fuck me running, I missed the whole human-in-a-costume thing. I guess I take Pistol Pete, Oklahoma State’s sperm maggot cowboy.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:47 am
Can I take elmo??? My 1-yr old would be sad for awhile, but it’s more of a long term solution.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:48 am
Ronnie Woo Woo – I want to bash your false teeth in (that you never paid for; you out of work, unemployable, wrigley field living, I want charity, used smelly douche bag bastard) – Go in the middle of the fucking expressway and woo woo while your ass gets run over by a semi.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:50 am
If the Burger King king ever wakes up next to me in bed like he does on those commercials, I’ll break out the handgun. Thanks, Supreme Court!
July 11th, 2008 at 10:50 am
Swoop (Eagles) And I’ll use the mini-Swoop with the giant, off-kilter head as the murder weapon.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:51 am
Get me a cleaver and a gas range…and we’ll be feasting on Oregon Duck L’Orange in under an hour.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:51 am
Benny the Bull. Even though I support his use of recreational drugs.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:51 am
I’m gonna go with Mac (Justin Long) from Apple vs PC spots. Beating him with a Mac Book Air and then strangling him with some shitty iPod headphones could workout nicely.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:53 am
Pillsbury dough boy.
I would make this one count.
I would push that belly over and over until he loathed the sensation, cursing me to hell for even making him think of doing that laugh. Then, and only then, would I give him the ol’ William Wallace treatment. It would be both agony and extacy for him at that point, due to his utter insanity.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:53 am
The UPS whiteboard guy. I don’t even know where to start in my hatred of the man/ads.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:53 am
As a god-fearing Golden Gopher, I believe I am required by state statute to select Bucky the Badger. Because, after all, fuck Wisconsin.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:54 am
Continuing my Toronto mascot murdering spree Carlton the bear from the Maple Leafs. He’s fat, slow and dumb but he might still be better on defence than Pavel Kubina.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:54 am
how bout that broncos douche that wears the broncos barrell? that’s who i want dead. elway sucks, and so do you.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:54 am
Nothing wrong with Madison, Father of the Bill Of Rights, but many of his views were shared or formed from Jeffersons own ideals. Both great men…
Ok now with my pick im going to take CATMAN the biggest NFL fan loser of all time… at Least Crazy Ray of the Cowboys didnt look like a circus freak, god bless his soul….
July 11th, 2008 at 10:55 am
The Geico caveman (cavemen?). I am so fucking sick of those goddamn commercials.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:55 am
It’s not the Duke mascot I want to stab, it’s what he stands for.
Obviously, but we take what we can get.
If we can choose the manner of death, I’d like to kill the Duke Blue Devil by ramming Dick Vitale’s entire body into his asshole. His bald dome is already wedged in there, so it should be easy to push the rest through and get me a two-fer out of this. “I’m in the colon, baaaaaaybeeeeeeee!”
July 11th, 2008 at 10:55 am
http://www.catman-good.com/ Look at this fucking moron
July 11th, 2008 at 10:55 am
@Dan From Chicago
Fuck… Ronnie Woo Woo was a solid pick. I was at Wrigley earlier this summer and these three girls could not shut up about spotting the bastard and trying to bring him over for pictures. Plus they kept mispronouncing his name as Ronnie Woo-Hoo though it says the shit on his jersey. God I hate Wrigley…
July 11th, 2008 at 10:56 am
The BC Eagle.
Somewhere under that get-up is a Jesuit school douchebag with a pastel shirt. Lucky for us, neither of those materials are resistant to blunt force trauma.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:56 am
Damn it! Youppi ALREADY off the board? FUCK THAT LITTLE SHIT GUHHHHHH I HATE THE HABS
OK. Deep breath. I suppose I’d also like to take out some hockey-related hate on the Golden Gopher. Fuck that guy. I’m not the bludgeoning type, though… I’d gain his trust and then poison him slowly and agonizingly over several months, using doses perfectly calibrated to render him desperately ill and eat away at the nerve endings under his face while ensuring that he still clings to life, however tenuously.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:57 am
The allstate guy aka David Palmer aka Pedro Cerrano. I’d like to see him hit by one of the cars on the commercials followed by a crop duster spraying AIDS on his body. Suck on that Jobu.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:57 am
The Texas A&M Yell Leaders
July 11th, 2008 at 10:57 am
Snap and Crackle.
I let pop live. Why? So he can spend the rest of his miserable life wondering when it is that I will come for him.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:57 am
@futuremrs
Hate the Habs not the Youppi!
July 11th, 2008 at 10:58 am
@ABM
I took Justin Long off the board.
For my second pick, I will take the UD mascot YouDee.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:58 am
Otto,
I can picture the thousands of soccer-mom-looking college girls in the stands screeching in horror.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:58 am
The giant, inflatable Cornhusker from University of Nebraska. Nice overalls, dick.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:58 am
Every clown in the Black Hole wearing shoulder pads decorated with spikes, skulls and/or chains. Really, Father, a man of the cloth shouldn’t be seen in public looking like that.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:59 am
@ Cheese… Right on… you know our state governor was a yell leader…. thats why i burned his mansion down
July 11th, 2008 at 11:00 am
futuremrs, you monster!
Anyway, Herky the Hawk must suffer.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:02 am
Vikadontis Rex. Any Vikes fans from 92-95 now what I’m talking about. He was a purple dinosaur used to jump on the Barney fad and create awareness of the Vikings.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:03 am
Even though I am a loyal New York Rangers fan, if I ever ran in to Dancing Larry, AKA Homo Larry, in a dark alley he would be done. I saw him in the bathroom at Blarney Rock once, and he literally looked at me and said “Yeah, it’s me.” Also if you start a Homo Larry chant in the 400 seats the prudish family in the 300 sections will complain about you and get you kicked out.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:03 am
@Scorpio
Well shit… then I’ll just have to go with elephant for the Republican party…. only doing it for the ivory.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:04 am
Master Chief.
I liked Halo 15 years ago when it was called Doom.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:04 am
@cumpidgeon: Dude, Madison pretty much crafted the Constitution himself (and wrote the most important essays of The Federalist), while Jefferson was away in France. Plus, Jefferson was far more of a states’ rights advocate than Madison and he had pretty regressive views about women. The Declaration of Independence is, of course, one of the most brilliant pieces of political writing in history, but I give the edge to the Constitution and the Bill of Rights – besides being timeless, they were much more difficult to get approved, more innovative, and a greater watershed moment in the history of civilization.
/apologies for the geek-out
July 11th, 2008 at 11:05 am
Chief Wahoo.
I know, I know, genocide is hilarious. Stop fucking smiling at me.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:05 am
booooooooooring
July 11th, 2008 at 11:06 am
Heh. Sorry, Sharkey. I really like Blake Wheeler, for what it’s worth… can’t wait to see his fine self in a Bruins uniform this season! Would have taken the BC Eagle, but that shit was long gone.
I’ll take the over-sized novelty John Harvard that paces the sidelines at Harvard football games. Mode of death? Being torn to pieces by a tiger, OBVI.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:06 am
They’re the ivy league school that parties hard! It’s hilarious because they made it up! The unofficial mascot for a school densely populated with assholes: Keggy the Keg. Toss away.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keggy_the_Keg
July 11th, 2008 at 11:09 am
Ooh, nice pull, John John TB. That dude annoys the shit out of me too. Can we choose “beating to death by Sean Avery” as the method of slaughter?
July 11th, 2008 at 11:09 am
Future Mrs. scares me. I pick the asshat Charger lightning bolt fag. And a big second to the Black Hole morons in all of their eyeliner and Skeletor masks.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:10 am
/looks up “supercilious”
July 11th, 2008 at 11:10 am
That miner dude, the 49ers mascot. Seriously, fuck the Niners.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:11 am
No apologies needed Smurphette… well said… however later in thier political careers they did join forces against my least favorite founding father Hamilton.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:11 am
oh, and I’ll take the West Virginia Mountaineer. I do not like the cut of his jib.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:11 am
How about Chuck E. Cheese? There can’t be anything gayer in the world than him.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:12 am
Brett Farve
July 11th, 2008 at 11:12 am
Izzy, the mascot from the 1996 Atlanta Olympics
I’m still using mini-Swoop as the murder weapon (utility~!)
July 11th, 2008 at 11:12 am
Mark Madsen.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:12 am
Suzy Kolber?
July 11th, 2008 at 11:12 am
Purdue Pete. Why? Because FUCK PURDUE.
My second choice would be the End Zone Militia. Fuck those guys and their tri-corner hats.
There is also a special place in Hell for Chief Illiniwek. I hope he’s getting facefucked.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:13 am
For real though, The Geico Gecko, I hate that motherfucker
July 11th, 2008 at 11:13 am
Biggest. Corporate. Whore. Ever.
Mickey Mouse
(and also harbor a deep desire to do immense physical damage to the Burger King Dude…whoever picked him, call me)
July 11th, 2008 at 11:14 am
That fat guy they call big dawg who dresses up like a dog at the Browns game. Screw it, the whole dawg pound. Go choke on you bones the Steelers just shit on you lawn again.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:16 am
OOOOH. OOOOOH. The Hogettes or whatever the fuck they’re called. Dumbest mascot idea eva.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:17 am
@ Tdub
You beat me to the punch twice: first with the Crunch/McHale pick, then with defending Ragnar (as if he needs any help). SKÅL Vikings!
July 11th, 2008 at 11:19 am
The Amherst College Lord Jeff. When your mascot is a minor historical figure whose claim to fame is giving smallpox-infested blankets to the local natives, it might be time to reconsider.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:19 am
Glad I could help Gino, someone has to stand guard over the trophyless Minnesota empire.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:23 am
The Fox Sports robots.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:24 am
Ohhhh, John S. nice one.
Can I ask, why are those robots always stretching? They don’t gots no ligaments!
July 11th, 2008 at 11:24 am
Dick Cheney for Haliburton. In his defense, he is very good at what he does.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:24 am
Mr. Sparkle.
I don’t care how brave he is.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:26 am
Swoop, specifically mini-Swoop. I personally thing ‘roided-up-Swoop is awesome.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:29 am
@ Otto Man
chief wahoo isn’t their mascot. he’s just the logo. the indians mascot is slider, a big pink muppet-looking douche. i don’t want to kill him, i’m just letting everyone know.
/apologizes for homerism.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:31 am
That dancing old man in the Six Flags commercials.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:32 am
@Shtickless
Let time and Alzheimer’s take care of him.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:34 am
Fantastic Ronnie Woo Woo pick. I’d argue that Harry Carey could also count, but cirrhosis did the job for me already.
My actual pick is Wild Wing, the Anaheim Mighty Ducks mascot. This is pure catharsis at my hatred for Disney starting a professional sports franchise simply as a tie-in to their crappy movies.
http://www.nhl.com/intheslot/read/mascots/anaheim.shtml
July 11th, 2008 at 11:34 am
Big Dave, are you telling me Wikipedia is wrong? Never!
“Chief Wahoo is a trademarked mascot for the Cleveland Indians baseball team.”
July 11th, 2008 at 11:35 am
@ Shtickless & Librarian
it’s just a chick in an old man costume. a chick who might be hot. let’s reserve judgement…
i judge that it qualifies as a person in a mascot outfit, and therefore should be killed. pick upheld.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:37 am
sorry otto, i thought we were only killing physical representations of mascots. as there are no “chief wahoo” mascots running around… so yes, wikipedia could be wrong…
July 11th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Wayne Chrebet
/Keyshawned
July 11th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Crazy Clyde, the douchefuck who used to play a trumpet at Nordiques games.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:38 am
Oy, dick-gozinia: they’re neither the Mighty Ducks nor owned by Disney anymore!
July 11th, 2008 at 11:41 am
Rufus Lynx the Bobcat, Charlotte Bobcats. Yes, apparently there’s an NBA team in Charlotte. This clown is neon orange, wears giant plastic sunglasses and has been known to wear the road jersey while the team plays at home. Tighten up.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:41 am
what madden/michaels incident is the OP referring to?
July 11th, 2008 at 11:43 am
That was tongue in cheek, Big Dave. Wikipedia is often wrong.
Anyway, point taken. I’d still like to kill him though.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Damon Dash.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:44 am
For my next pick, the Krustyburglar.
Just so I can hear that kid cry, “Stop! Stop! He’s already dead….”
July 11th, 2008 at 11:45 am
To make a long story extremely short, and since I cannot pick the BC Eagle since I think he is off the board – I actually got into a fist fight with the Eagle at a Beanpot game back in February ‘95 at that Gaaahhden. What started off as a play fight turned ugly when he grabbed a drumstick and tried to hit me in the head. A couple of punches stopped that real quick.
What made it best, is that both sides surrounded us to get us back in the seats before any security game to take us away (although, I am certain he wasn’t going to hide anywhere.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:46 am
@ futuremrsrickankiel – I’m well aware of that, but it doesn’t excuse that abomination of a franchise. The Ducks would not exist if not for Disney and the Cup probably never would’ve got to Cali.
Next pick…Pit Pat. GloboChem is evil, man!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uco5Ed-5y2U
July 11th, 2008 at 11:47 am
sorry otto, it’s hard to hear sarcasm when it’s typed…
July 11th, 2008 at 11:49 am
No worries, BD. In my case, just assume it’s there at all times.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:51 am
Youppi. Kill him dead in the head
July 11th, 2008 at 11:51 am
dick_gozinia, I KIND of see your point, but I’m going to contest you on this: given that the Kings (and the Oakland Seals, before they faded out of existence) were among the first set of 6 expansion teams created by the NHL in 1967 to create more of a league, I’m not sure your loathing of Cali hockey is merited… hockey in California is as old as the Pens or the Flyers.
ACK DORK ALERT
July 11th, 2008 at 11:53 am
The WVU Mountainqueer. I would not have to kill him, he already has AIDS from fucking his sister. But just for fun I would dress up like Rich Rodriquez tie him to the goalpost and make him and all the sister fuckers in the stadium watch as I RAPE his mother. Then use his rifle to blow off his head
July 11th, 2008 at 11:55 am
The DePaul Blue Demon. The fucker struts around the whole game nodding and pointing, only stopping to flex and point at the crowd. Not only am I at the cum dumpster known as Allstate Arena watching a shitty DePaul basketball game, but I have to watch this dicklicker make an ass out of himself the whole time. DIE!
July 11th, 2008 at 11:55 am
@shaydigs
Great call on Chief Illiniwek. As a recent Illinois alumn, I can describe an absolute hatred not so much for the “mascot” himself (calling the Dancing Indian Halftime Show a “mascot” will get you in SERIOUS trouble… students will demand you recognize he is an honorable tribute, celebrated by drunken frat kids screaming “CHEEEEIIIIIFFFF”), but hatred for the Cheif supporters themselves. Sorry Chief Illiniwek, but much like the amtrak lines that run through your former land, I choo choo choose you!
July 11th, 2008 at 11:56 am
EP, that is some quality hate.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:56 am
I’ll take Cosmo the Cougar, mascot for Brigham Young. Mainly because I just despise Mormons.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:59 am
@futuremrs – I’ve never had much of an issue with the Kings and wouldn’t have minded them winning a cup (highly unlikely for at least a few more decades…lombardi, wow man…) but the corporate tie-in aspect of the Ducks was stomach turning. And even though they’ve changed ownership, the corporate atmosphere still lingers bad. I was at a game out there in ‘06 and it was terrible…like being at a Cubs game. Everyone on their cell phones, leaving their seats during play, etc. I’ve been to games in NY, Chicago, DC, Toronto, etc and I’ve never seen a hockey game with fans that disinterested. And that happens to be the year they won the Cup. Yuck.
And I hate the Flyers too if that makes you feel any better. :)
July 11th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
The Grimace.
Just to see if killing it is even possible.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Amazing hate display EP hater. Fuck that Cousineer
/bowing down
July 11th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
I’ve been thinking about which McDonald’s corporate mascots I’d like to murder. Ronald McDonald was mentioned in the original post, so he’s out. Grimace has always been cool with me, so I’ll let him go. Mayor McCheese’s efficient corruption ensures the flow of delicious trans-fats into our town, so he’s out, too. The Hamburglar is on the bubble (he amuses me), so I’ll murder the Fry Guys, just to watch them die. After all, fries are useless when they’re cold.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
Damn! Getting in late!
OK, I take Mike the (LSU) Tiger — not the real tiger, the mascot one out with the cheerleaders.
Why? Not cause I hate LSU, but I hate all the damn, country-ass bandwagon jumpers who didn’t give 2 shits before 2000 about LSU football and now are all purple’d and gold’d out.
I can’t kill all of them. So Mike meet Mr. Tire Iron!
July 11th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
I’ll take “Fuwa,” the five chinese olympics mascots. Stop trying to make human rights violations so cuddly.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
UGA the dog…oops, too late.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
time to use the kool-aid guy as the base for an appropriate amount of redi-mix concrete. once the mud’s properly cured, time to take a pneumatic pummel to his ass. marketing targeted at kids is just fuckin wrong.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Can it be true? Can Gino from the Celtics still be on the board? I definitely take him.
Anyhow, somebody mentioned how Golden Eagles aren’t tough. I beg to differ. They can take down antelope. Are you fast enough to catch an antelope, then kill it when it significantly outweighs you?
July 11th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
@smurphette: CavMan or the Cavalier? Cause the Cavalier carries a sword and rides a horse so you’ll need a gun to finish the job.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Mike the Tiger VI (LSU). I fucking hate cats.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
UC Santa Cruz Banana Slug
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Banana_slug
cuz it’s fugly. and cuz all the other good ones were taken….
July 11th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Birdman, you obviously like birds and all, but geeeeez.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Looks like the San Diego State University mascot – that moronic Aztec warrior that they changed to be more PC over the vociferous objections of both faculty and staff – is still around, so I’ll go with that guy.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
I authorize a Fatwah for the nuts of Brutus Buckeye. Fucking punk.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Smokey Bear. If I want to play with a blowtorch and some illegal fireworks in a plot of dry forest, I will do so without fear of retribution, you self-righteous fuck.
Also, Smacky the Frog is better. (Hedberg’d)
July 11th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Wooderson…beat you to it. You could go with the Auburn tiger though.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
What the hell…gonna go back to Burger King and pick the snot-nosed Whopper Jr.
Seriously…if I want to see a hamburger get a blowjob, I will dine at one of my local redneck fine-dining establishments.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Sparky the Dragon, Mascot of the New York Islanders. Okay so he is also the mascot for the New York Dragons AFL team but seriously. What the fuck does a Dragon have to do with the Islanders. Also, I hate the fucking Islanders.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
The sock puppet from Pets.com, assuming he wasn’t already put down in the liquidation process.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
The GoDaddy.com girl. For being a huge cocktease.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
this may be an unpopular choice, but i’m gonna have to go ith captain morgan. he’s too swashbuckling. and all those self righteous pricks in the commercials think that just because they D.D’d means they can also be pirates. it takes more than that to become a pirate, you pricks. pop that collar one more fucking time, i dare you.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
@dinosaur http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9nwTkGnH9uc
I will take Aubie the Auburn Tiger. Mother fucker changes his outfit like 6 times during every home football game. What a bitch.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Fuck, I am an asshole for not reading the rules closer.
/shows self out
July 11th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
@ obit rice – can’t co-sign killing the suns gorilla, especially since he practically invented slamball.
@ bigdave – damn you for getting the barrel guy before i got here
i’ll take the broncos horse head thing because it’s already dead. i’m lazy like that.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Dancing Homer.
Take that bush league nonsense back where it belongs!
July 11th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
The new Six Flags mascot is this guy. Since it comes out as “More Frags, More Frun, Six Frags!!!” in the commercial then I’ll agree to kill him so that the only Asian sterotype that remains is Hines Wald.
/no need to thank me, just doing my job
July 11th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
Slugerrr from the KC Royals…I get the whole clever king of the jungle thing but seriously the best they could do is a lion with a hot dog cannon?
July 11th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
The Purdue mascot. FUCK YOU, TRAIN!
The train mascot is bad enough, UM, but what about the Rocky Dennis lookalike? (Scroll down to #7)
July 11th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
McGruff the crime dog, just for the irony.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
If you’re going to pick a Six Flags mascot, you’ve got to go with Mr. Six, a.k.a. Dancing Uncle Junior.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
@J4B: CavMan is more annoying, so him.
I take Stamford the Lion, the mascot for Chelsea. Everyone involved with Chelsea (fans, players, owner, etc.) are devoid of both a soul and any value as human beings. I hope Lampard and Terry each get a flesh-eating virus.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
From the University of Mississippi, I’ll take Colonel Reb.
Die, you racist prick.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
The Hershey Bear.
Bears, the #1 threat to America.
colberted
July 11th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Stomper, because mascots should not be hyphy.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
not that i want to kill any of them, nor would i even know which one to name in the killing… but was anyone else aware that the browns have 4 different dog mascots? at the same time? and the cavs have a dog too! that 5 fucking dog mascots between 2 teams.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Tawmmy from Quinzee considered a mascot?
July 11th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
@smurphette: OK, that’s fine with me – never did like dressing up and standing for Football games. I would purposely dress down, and 20 of us would get to Scott stadium early so we could save the front row of the student section so that we could tell the boys from Theta Chi or TKE to fuck off when they asked us to save them seats or stand all game.
/fuck you rich queers.
//waiting for my next pick.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
the Raven from the Baltimores. Actually I’m surprised he hasn’t been shot yet while at the games.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
That Jets guy with the fireman helmet. I’d like to set his crotch ablaze.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
Really? Nobody took the Stanford Cardinal? This cracked out looking tree? In addition to be ridiculously easy to kill, he is just so goddam annoying.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Does the OxyClean guy count as a mascot? I hate him so very, very much. I would like to beat him down while screaming into his face, so as to silence his annoying yell forever.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
IceBurg the Penguins mascot, take him down, Sudden Death style.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
The Stanford Cardinal was taken 2 1/2 hours ago I believe.
July 11th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
yeah, the tree was 4th pick. that’s like getting to the 6th round of the NFL draft and saying, oh, i’ll take reggie bush!
July 11th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
oh, i’ll take reggie bush!
- HEY! I need to sells my womenz! How’s Kim K going to make money?
July 11th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
I would like to dig up the rotting, fetid corpse of Harry Carey and beat it over the head with a shovel.
July 11th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Kansas’ Baby Jay.
Half mascots are fucking retarded.
July 11th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Talking. In. One. Word. Sentences. Is. Gay.
July 11th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
Only. If. By. Gay. You. Mean. Awesome.
July 11th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Yeah way to mispell Stanford so my Control F didn’t pick it up.
July 11th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Stupid Friday morning workload. Got here late, so I’ll kill the Air Force Falcon. I’m hungry, and Chick-fil-A is too far away.
July 11th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
generally I’m pro-mascot. hell, i was even my schools hockey mascot on occasion. however, the providence friar has to go.
http://www.sugarscostumes.com/galleries/39/images/Friar.jpg
kind of looks like McBeam’s pius cousin or something.
July 11th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Anything involving the Cubs.
July 11th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Is that Big Daddy Drew in the hospital bed?
July 11th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
everything about the yankees. no men, if men be gods (or think they are). fuck them and the limousines they rode in on.
July 11th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Slash,
Do you think he’ll tell you mid-stabbing that he knows how you can get those blood stains out?
July 11th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Man, if you can’t scroll down to the fourth post, then Ctrl F can’t help you.
July 11th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Mrs. Butterworth. Just for the things I’d do to her before I killed her. So hot. So syrupy. And let’s just say she won’t be lonely in the shallow grave she’ll eventually occupy. Haven’t heard much from Little Debbie lately, have you? Bwah hah hah!
Also, I’d like to kill whoever dresses up in that Joe Paterno costume and pretends to coach Penn State’s football team every fall.
July 11th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
@ 5823111
wow. brutal and delicious.
July 11th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
@5823111
you just became some fbi profiler’s latest case study. watch your back.
July 11th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
The WB frog.
“fuckin’ racist ass frog.”
July 11th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
For my second pick, I’ll take Sparty, the Michigan State Spartan. Why? Because FUCK HIM, that’s why.
July 11th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
@Auksyte – Warriors was way better but Jumpin’ Jesuits woulda been horrid. Same with the Hilltoppers. Just thank god we’re no longer the Gold.
Direct your hate towards the DePaul Blue Demon… He is evil and must be destroyed!!!
July 11th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
The Padres masscot has got to go, looks like a some of the priest who drank too much wine at mass and is hallsappy that his team sucks balls
July 11th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
What of the Seattle Mariners Moose?! Has no one thought of heading out to the PNW to shoot that bastard down and mount his head on the wall?
July 11th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
The Northwestern Wildcat. Why? Sympathy for NU alums. Their mascot who looks like the unholy offspring of a bunny rabbit and a sewer rat.
Late to the party, so we’re gonna take the KSU Wildcat as well. Fuck you and your stupid head on a human’s body. Just fucking lazy.
July 11th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
My replacement pick in place of the Stanford Cardinal, since I am apparently a prick for pushing end and then Ctrl-f is Tom from MySpace.
And I would like to follow him up with Smilin’ Bob from the Enzyte Commercials. Yeah he may be happy about his natural male enhancement, but I wouldn’t be smiling if the whole world knew I had to take pills so my linus could be an adequate size.
Here is my board
1. Sparky the Sundevil
2. Dancing Larry from MSG (FutureMrs., 2 weeks ago I would have agreed to Death by Sean Avery. But now that he’s a Dallas Star, I think that he could give a Gucci Scarf less about what goes on in the Garden)
3. Damon Dash (try to tell me he’s not a mascot)
4. Sparky Dragon the New York Islander’s mascot
5. Tom from Myspace
6. Smilin’ Bob from the Enzyte Commercials.
July 11th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
@J4B: Football games at UVA are downright shameful if you’ve grown up going to games in South Bend and Ann Arbor.
What about the penguin from Billy Madison, does that count? If so, I’ll take him.
July 11th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Fuck, I hate when work gets in the way of a quality KSK draft. As for a late round steal how about the UCLA Bruin. WTF is with the female Bruin mascot that is always with him during games? What? That bitch couldn’t stay home bake you cookies or something, so she had to come to the game and steal some of your spotlight. What a faggot. There is no doubt that in time we’ll come to find out these costumes are occupied by Mr. & Mrs. Doug Christie. Fuck them both. Fuck them right in the ear, with an icepick.
July 11th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
@smurphette: I hear you, but it has gotten better since 1990 when we beat Clemson for the 1st time in 30 something tries. Still need to get over the hump though…
I’ll take any mascot name Aggie. What in the holy hell is an Aggie? I’ve always wanted to go to those schools with a lead pipe and pull a Gillooly on the Aggie mascot until they lie in a heaping, bloody, shitty mess on the field.
/gets plane ticket for Texas A&M
July 11th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
I know, I know, wait 10 picks, blah, blah, blah. Fuck that, I’m late and have ground to cover. How about the Pirate Parrot? While I support your right to get drunk and arrested in someone else’s swimming pool, I cannot support the fact that the team you represent sucks for eternity and that the best thing they could come up with is a Parrot. Why because it sounds like Pirate but would be less threatening to kids? Fuck them. If the little bastards are afraid of a man sporting an eye patch and wielding a sword then they are already doomed to a life of being someone’s bitch.
July 11th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
steal of the day: the stay puft marshmallow man! so i can be a ghostbuster for a day!!
July 11th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
I’ll take Hootie the Hooters Owl….he distracts from the Hooters Girls….
July 11th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Hooters has an owl mascot? Really? Since when?
July 11th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
any Oakland Raider fan in costume has to be considered.
get them before they get you!
July 11th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
RE Tdub Says:
“Slash, Do you think he’ll tell you mid-stabbing that he knows how you can get those blood stains out?”
After a baseball bat to the mouth, the only sounds coming out will be gurgles and low whimpers, like when Joe Pesci’s character and his brother got beaten down in “Casino.” I was gonna try and come up with something about cleaning up the blood with anything but OxyClean, but I’m not cleaning up that shit.
And I can’t think of any other mascot-like creatures that I really hate that aren’t already taken. I do hate the GEICO gecko, but that one is against the rules. I hate those fucking California cows, too, but again, they don’t qualify.
July 11th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Heh. dick_gozinia, can’t stay mad at another hockey fan anyway. And yes, I’ve heard that about Ducks games and it makes me die a little inside. Cool teams with no following (hello Nashville Predators and San Jose Sharks) make me a rullll sad panda, ya feel me?
I’m going to draft the big bowling pin that shills for Jillian’s outside Fenway every baseball game. Why? Because he hit on me once and it pissed me off, that’s why. Fuck you, giant talking bowling pin!
July 11th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
@J4B:
a&m isn’t just the record label herb alpert founded. it first stood for agricultural & mechanical, descriptors used to clue folks in on what the university’s curricula were geared toward. aggie is a declination therefrom. as far as your scheduled trip to tx a&m, i’ll let the corps of cadets know you’re coming. they’ll meet you at the hertz counter with sabres drawn. sorry, dude, but i know where i’m putting my money in that fight.
July 11th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
@fmra
i appreciate your stand on principle, but you gotta remember, a hot chick is a hot chick, and a guy’s a guy – even standing outside the ballpark dressed as a damn bowling pin. that shit’s just hard-wired to happen.
July 11th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
My next selection for mascot murder:
Any Green Bay Packer fan who wears that Cheese Head thing. Such personages are always so cartoonishly-obese (sweating gravy, trans fats and Old Milwaukee) that their mere appearance warrants their classification as mascots, thus making them eligible for foul mascot murder.
July 11th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Marty Moose.
The moose says you’re closed, I say you’re open.
July 11th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
@jujrok: They can keep their sabres, but unless they are Neo, they won’t be able to escape from my SAW or fn Five Seven with cop killer bullets.
/oh yeah I’m MarHar bitches
July 11th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
There is apparently a Proffessional Indoor Lacrosse League, and in this league is a team called the New York Titans, and their mascot is essentially Marvin the Martian with a slightly different helmet and color scheme. Oh I don’t care how clever it is that the slats in his helmet make a T. Also, he keeps handing out fliers about hurrying up to get my deposit for my season tickets in ASAP. Ummmm, I didn’t even know you’re league existed, I am not rushing out to go watch every game.
July 11th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
@J4B
shouldn’t've given ‘em notice, dude. now, they’ll be bringing their own field artillery. this should make for some firefight. not sure what a safe distance to watch it from would be, though. good luck, MarHar.
July 11th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Remember the dude who was the “face” for facebook? I actually knew that guy. He was a tool. I wouldn’t brutally murder him, but maybe the clap for him.
July 11th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
You’re all ignoring a really pressing question – why is Steely McBeam visiting the fat zombie lady from the remake of Dawn of the Dead in the hospital?
July 11th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
I hate the Syracuse Orange, only because he reminds me of an ex-girlfriend. I would break his back, suplex him, put in the camel clutch, break his back and THEN fuck his ass.
/exit Iron Shiek
July 11th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
The Syracuse Orange reminds you of an ex-girlfriend? Was she an overweight fake baker?
July 11th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
He’s not so much a mascot, but I”d love beating the buh-je-zus out of the singing black guy in the hardhat that sings after every Detroit Lions’ score.
As a loving Bears fan, I had to suffer a year of my life in southeast Michigan and made it to a Lions/Bears and Lions/Viks game.
I swear to god, if you haven’t seen it, it is the most shameless sorry-ass thing ever. Lions are down 35-3 late in the 3rd and they kick a field goal??? Here comes numbnuts singing, “Marching down the field…….. blah blah to a LIONS VICTORRRRYYYYY!!!!” Give me a break and shut the hell up. Given the chance I’d make the beaches of Normandy look like a waterballoon fight with what I’d do to this guys face.
July 11th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
My first pick would have been Rowdy the flamingly homosexual mascot of the Cowboys. That is the most pathetic, gayest mascot of all time. Cheers to dick_gozinia. I didn’t know that the mother fucking mighty ducks had a mascot, but anything associated with that cock sucking team needs to be destroyed. Regardless if Disney no longer owns them, their existence is because of the mother fucking Disney corporation hyping an incredibly stupid Disney movie. FUCK YOU WALT
Since Rowdy is gone, fucknuts Anaheim Ducks mascot is gone, Barrel man is gone, Ronnie Woo Woo is gone, the mother fucking ND lerechaun is gone, I will take Screech the ridicoulous mascot of the Washington Nationals
July 11th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
Woodsy the Owl, Smokey the Bear, and Gerry Giraffe from Toys ‘R Us.
Fuck the lot of them with a Garden Weasel.
July 11th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
that old naked pederast in a barrel at broncos games
July 11th, 2008 at 9:00 pm
That creepy talking baby from those E-trade commercials. Goddamn, that’s some fucked up shit right there. It’s not original, it’s not clever, it’s simply a fucking freak show.
“But it’s just a baby!” you say. “How could you kill a baby?”
Well, first of all they are surprisingly easy to catch and don’t require a maximum amount of effort. Get creative! Have some fun with it!
Yes, I would kill a baby.
Again.
July 11th, 2008 at 9:11 pm
damn.. someone already took him.. guess that’s what i get for picking last.. in that case give me the faggoty 49er gold miner.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:54 pm
Okay, since I did honest-to-God work today and couldn’t circle-jerk with the rest of yinz, I got one for you:
Any member of a rap group who is obviously the made-up, dressed-up, clown-ass caricature of the culture who exhibits no other real talents other than to act a fool and fill the stage with shiny baubles, the group’s signature apparel, and total failure during shows and videos. Examples include: Flavor Flav, Memphis Bleek, Tony Yayo, damn near half of the Dip-Set, and none of the motherfucking Wu-Tang Clan.
By the way, if you’ve read this far *Smurphette*cough*Smurphette,* I was smiling from ear to ear while reading your Madison-Jefferson exchange. I am highly impressed (not that it matters what this podunk Hoosier boy thinks). Forgive my geek-out, but one of my favorite quotes for debating those who argue our country’s founders would agree with our current state of affairs: “If tyranny and oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.” True dat sir; true dat.
July 12th, 2008 at 12:50 am
@smurphette – what a stupid bitch.
July 12th, 2008 at 2:05 am
i can’t wait to see BDD sport that brain-dead make-a-wish-foundation expression to bissinger when they meet in 6 months, although steely won’t be there to coach him.
July 12th, 2008 at 9:27 am
For my one and only pick in the draft, I have to go with my hometown mascot, Sir Purr of the carolina panthers. The only mascot I know of who actually drew a 15 yard penalty for downing a punt many years ago. What a douchebag. on a side note, it is a really sad commentary on life when you’re 15 minutes of fame comes inside a furry plush animal suit.
July 12th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
My vote goes to the 3 gay Ravens birds, Edgar, allen and Poe. And this
Really has nothing to do with the fact
One of the slapdick birds took my Terrible Towel, and wiped their ass/tail with it.
July 13th, 2008 at 3:36 am
Wendy. Fucking ugly ginger bitch.
July 13th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
How about Willie the Wildcat from K-State. What a fuckin toolbox.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-A-05wPlQQ4
July 13th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Chris Berman
July 14th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Barney.
The pure joy of hearing that overstuffed purple dino swear as he is whacked at the knees, which will bring him down to a height that is right in my wheel house, where my second swing would decapitate the bastard.
Followed by a hundred swings at the remain carcass.
July 14th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Unless I missed something, nobody picked the abominable Slamson of the Sacramento Kings. Of course, he already looks dead.
July 30th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Can’t pick a real animal. Besides, if the LSU Tiger got out and decided to go all “bitchcakes” on the LSU sideline, it’d make UGA IV’s “attack” on Auburn’s Robert Brooks look like the non-event it was.
Good call on the Western Kentucky Hilltopper “thing”.
Stanford’s Tree. And here’s why -> Any school whose mascot is different than the athletic team’s name. (Stanford is the Cardinal (singular)).
So UNC (Ram, Tar heel), Stanford (Tree, Cardinal), Auburn (War Eagle, Tiger), you get the picture.
Oh and that creeeepy Burger King guy.