Most people merely dislike commercials. I fucking HATE them. I loathe them with all the bile in my bloated liver. Hatred for ads is embedded in my marrow, programmed into my DNA, woven into the fabric of my soul.
That’s why the people who invented TiVo/DVR and satellite radio are gods. They have golden thrones reserved in heaven, while advertising fuckfaces like Big Daddy Drew will burn for all eternity because they profited from making everyone else’s life just a little bit more miserable. Ever written a jingle? Die. And then say hi to Hitler for me.
Today’s draft is for TV and radio commercials you want erased from history. And while I don’t have the track record of hating diamond commercials as much as Christmas Ape, my #1 pick is easy:
Man and woman enter a European square. Man goes to the middle of the square and shouts at the top of his lungs, “I love this woman!” Pigeons fly away from the commotion. Woman is aghast. Man presents woman with diamond. Woman whispers quietly into man’s ear: “I love this man.”
Oh, so that’s how it is? A love so deep that a man has to shout it to the world is embarrassing to you, you fucking bitch? Oh, here’s something shiny that I paid $10,000 for, maybe you wanna go out in the square and shout your love for me, too? No? Just gonna whisper it in my ear because you’re too selfish and materialistic? FUCK THIS AD.
Your picks in the comments. Wait for ten other people’s selections before choosing again.
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Oh dear…Charlie Sheen has trashed yet another hotel room I’ve seen today. It’s his own fault. I wonder why he floats around with losers that dont care about him?
Does anyone really believe that he spontaneously decided to activate an emergency slide? Then grabbed a beer before he left?
Wow! what an idea ! What a concept ! Lovely .. Wonderful …
When I studied my first education class on credit scoring, one example the teacher did was to make us study credit reports and prepare lending conclusions without a score. This led to “under lending” in most examples. Plus, it took longer so some applications were never read. That led to more under lending. A credit score isn’t exact but it has made more lives better and right or wrong…credit scores are a reality.
the worst one ever
during the NBA Finals, the GMC commercial for the denali
‘LOOK AT DAT FIRE IN YO EYES. LEMME TRY TO GET DAT FIRE OUTCHA EYES’
and every other one like it.
If you want a good racist commercial, it’s hard to beat the old Stove Top Stuffing one:
“Ay, LeRoy! Mama cookin’ conebread!”
I think even David Duke and Senator Byrd cringed at that one.
If I see one commercial with some stupid kid telling me how to invest my money or get a life insurance policy, I’m going to apply for a license to purchase an Uzi. If my little midget 8 year old wakes me up in the middle of the night to talk about all my liabilities like those AIG commercials that are constantly on television, I wouldn’t just tell him to go to sleep, I’d put him to sleep. Christ.
This has all been some kind of guerilla marketing, viral focus-group bullshit that an ad team came up with, hasn’t it?
Ah, the anti-marketing dollar. That’s a big dollar. We’ve done research.
“90990″ knows what I’m talking ’bout (and beat me to posting the Hicks routine)!
The old 6 Flags commercial, from last summer, with the freaky old guy running around looking like Junior Sopranno on crank.
Fuck him and that song, made me NEVER want to goto 6 flags and gives me seizure like episodes when any amusement park ads come on tv
“Dude, Yer gettin’ a Dell!” FUCK YOU.
Anybody mention the Dane Cook “There’s only one Postseeeeeason” from last years TBS MLB playoffs. Also the worst of the worst is David Ortiz’s MLB.TV commercial “EVERY TEAM EVERY GAME” He cant even pronounce the word game. Those steroid must have fucked up his brains as well as his testes.
Fucking Olive Garden.
Fill up on our shitty breadsticks!
Hey – choose two sauces for the price of one!
Hey – pay $12 for 60 cents worth of food!
“10 Things You Don’t Know About Women”:
#1: We don’t ever want to see the inside of an Olive Garden
Anything with Billy Mays (the oxyclean guy): he’s so… low-budget.
Any commercial starring Michael Jordan and Cuba Gooding/Kevin Bacon/Charlie Sheen/insert name of washed up celebrity here. Yeah, we get it. The market for past-their-prime stars isn’t what it used to be. Head over to VH1 circuit with the rest of them, assbags.
I know that Guy Fieri from the TGI Friday’s ads is way off the board (justifiably), but who the hell is this douchebag anyway? Does he work for the Axe Effect? I think I shall disembowel him with a soup spoon.
that comment was worse than hitler
Dont compare things to hitler. It makes you sound like a dumbass, and only making your argument look worse
More than an entire day late, but this piece of runny dog shit> and the fucking series with the father and the son dressed as god-damned cheeseburgers make me want to destroy my television.
Any kids’ boardgame commercial that has an obnoxious little freak yell “I win!”. I guess that’s almost all of them. I’ll cave in their small, developing skulls with a Hungry Hungry Hippos board. Child abuse is a horrible thing- except if the children are redheads with freckles, then it’s a hilarious thing.
@dinosaur
1) Dane Cook — “There’s only one October.” Yes, I know it only aired for a month, but I still want it erased. It makes me miserable when I think about great talents like Heath Ledger being dead, but we’ll be stuck with Dane Cook for the rest of our lives.
How that stayed on the board for close to 400 picks is a testament to the amount of drinking I did to kill those brain cells that witnessed the worst marketing idea ever.
What’s the fucking deal with everyone talking about the shitty local commercials? I’m paraphrasing from the group dinner hate-fest when I say everyone has local commercials that are cheaply made and suck ass. Oh, you say that yours is for a used car lot or personal injury lawyer? You suck at life.
Clay Henry Subway Commercial:
“He got real big on burgers and fries, ate a bad Subway, then he died.”
At least that’s how I remember the lyrics…
And JARED MUST DIE!!!!!
Maybe just Chicago radio, but Joseph A Bank, are you ever NOT have some big humongous liquidation sale? My lord!
Late as usual, so I’ll take two picks.
1) Dane Cook — “There’s only one October.” Yes, I know it only aired for a month, but I still want it erased. It makes me miserable when I think about great talents like Heath Ledger being dead, but we’ll be stuck with Dane Cook for the rest of our lives.
2) A few years back, Old Navy had a serious of commercials that were takeoffs on 70s television shows, such as Green Acres and The Brady Bunch. I cringed every time I saw them.
Note to the advertising community: If I despise your commercial, I will boycott your product. And I know that I’m not the only one who does so.
Video Professor – When the slouched over, funny bald man says, “Try my product” he’s just so dripping with desperation you could sop it up with a sponge.
Oh, and the company also sues people who don’t like the product
http://consumerist.com/339302/video-professor-stops-suing-people-for-having-opinions-it-doesnt-like
“Nobody beats me, because I’m the Wiz! I’m the Wiz!”
Brian nailed it with those free credit report commercials. He wins the draft.
pete ellis dodge was shut down for tax fraud years ago….
also, this is funny: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xc_kFFmDZME&feature=related
12 pack,
I’ve only been able to tolerate that commercial by substituting all the lyrics for sexual inuendo:
“oohhh, su*k me baby, fu*k me slowly…” and so on.
Those fucking piece of shit free credit report.com commercials with those 3 faggots singing some stupid fucking songs about their sorry lives being ruined by identity theft. I especially hate the one that starts “they say a man should always dress…..” with that fucking jerkoff wearing a pirate costume at some shitty restaurant. DIE DIE DIE
I would gladly fucking kill all 3 of these pieces of shit if I never had to hear or see those awful fucking commercials.
how about the sprite ad where the dude dives into the basketball court which actually happens to be a swimming pool? the fuck??
/sneaks in late
//looks around
///steals the draft.
You all missed the Jeep commercial with the cock juggler and the singing birds? There’s something about a coyote in it or something. I DVR everything and even watching this on fast forward hurts my brainpan.
I agree with the masses, who looks at this ad campaign and says “Jesus! That’s it! That’s the image we want for our Jeep!”
You can’t even hate the ad companies because the companies who hire them sign off on this bloody anal discharge.
All F-ing commercials not associated with TitS
http://www.collegefastbreak.com/
I know Budweiser’s long been taken, but I specifically hate the ads with Rob Riggle. That guy is hilarious on the Daily Show, but for the most part, the ads are in earnest. I see him, I expect a joke, and instead he just lists the ingredients of Budweiser. Fuck that. I can read that on the can, funnyman. Tell me a joke.
snap….snap….snappy tomato pizza ooooooooooooooooooh. go away. i used to work there and let me just say that although they may not know it, there are quite a few people out there who have my dna inside them.
i was being sarcastic. and i did win, thank you very much.
FTW = For The Win.
Assuming you weren’t being sarcastic.
Ooooh Life Alert…
I’m playing the trump card on this one…
The series of old person-centered commercials that air between the announcement of the Final Jeopardy! category, and the time they go back to do Final Jeopardy!.
Oooh, Seabond…. Oooooh, Metamucil…. Ooooh, Tylenol PM….
I rock at Jeopardy!, but I’m not old. I don’t want old people shit. But I do want those responsible to die horribly and leave behind many hungry children.
FTW, whatever that means.
Next pick: the Mike’s Hard Lemonade commercials that are overtly trying to apeal to grown, straight men who wouldn’t ever drink that candy piss. They’re the next generation of the abortive Bruce Willis Seagrams Golden Wine Cooler ads from the ’80s.
Every commercial Drew has ever written or worked on.
I keed, I keed.
I forgot that one, Wes. That was like a mobius strip of irony.
Fucking Baby Boomers — I wish they’d die off en masse, so we never have to deal with their maniacal self-absorbtion ever again.
Well, I know what I’m drinking to tonight…
I’m quite late to this party. But, have we left off that felony-inducing “Just for Men” commercial featuring that asshole Baby Boomer surfer flashing the peace sign and saying “Never trust anyone over 80″? And to the tune of “Sunshine of Your Love,” the most overrated song from one of the most overrated bands of the ’60s.
Fucking Baby Boomers — I wish they’d die off en masse, so we never have to deal with their maniacal self-absorbtion ever again.
One to do away with… Finally, FinallyFast.com. Holy crap I want to light everyone on fire who is in anyway associated with this one. For some reason it airs like every 15 minutes on Sportscenter. I guess that’s good targeted marketing.
If you’re into sports, you’re probably a dude. If you’re a dude, you probably checkout porn. Free porn is better than paying for porn. Free porn ruins your PC with spyware and popups. Here’s the fix…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3YRBzz_4Hg
@Wes F.
Fuckin’-A. Good show, Old Boy.
@Spanky Datass: I stand corrected, but Mercury stil sucks ass and Jill Wagner can still get it even though her commercial irks the shot out of me.
For my 4th pick, I’ll take that Lowe’s commercial where the guy is doing all this shit around the house and when he’s ready to take it easy and kick back to enjoy his weekend, his wife shoots him this look like “what about the backyard, or how about you spend the rest of your two day weekend building me a deck so my Sex and the City friends can have mojitos while you’re at work?”
God, I want to assassinate her and her little kid with a truck bomb.
Otto Man:
There’s a whole range of ads where dipshit commercial creators used wholly inappropriate songs, ranging from the Nike ad that used Gil Scot-Heron’s “The Revolution Will Not Be Televised” (a song about how television ads are fucking evil) to the Mercedes Benz ad that used the Janis Joplin song about how all Mercedes Benz owners were shallow soulless assholes.
Irony officially died when American Express used “Gimme Some Money” by The Thamesmen for an ad. The Thamesmen, of course, later became Spinal Tap. A parody song by a parody group used completely unironically. It hurts. Die, AmEx Ad, Die.
WF
I’m going back to the 80′s, and taking a machete to the Noid’s head.
I’m sure I’m among the wide majority of KSK readers in that I watch a lot of ESPN and Comedy Central. I hate nearly every ad that both those networks allow to run. The most egregious offenders (boner pills, Enzyte, Lypozene, beer, credit cards, credit reports…) are long off the board, but I’d like to volunteer my assistance in the brutal torture/murder of anybody who had anything to do with any of these ads.
Oh, there’s a Mitsubishi ad on ESPN right now… It has gaylord hipster douchebags driving around to a stupid song. I’ll kill some of these people execution-style and others gangland-style.
I’m chiming in late here, slim pickin’s…
I’ll go with the Sports Illustrated commerative championship book, T-Shirt and hat to celebrate (insert recent champion of major sport here) with subscription.
its funny that two of the worst hated commercials have to do with jared – subway and jared the jewelry store. HE WENT TO JARED – TO GET SUBWAY, AND APPARENTLY PORN TOO. NOT TO MENTION UGLY ASSED JEWELRY.
I call dibs on Comcast commercials, because every time I see one I get reminded how once a month, I get fucked in the ass, by paying for shitty service because it’s either them or RCN, and RCN is like getting fucked in the face and the ass.
I hope U-Verse or FiOS get here soon. If I’m going to be fucked in the ass by a telecommuncations company, I’d rather have it be a reputable one like AT&T or Verizon.
I tried to provide some Sexy Friday earlier (via Buffy Tyler, Tiffany Toth, and for the laides Matthew McConaughey) but got that shit denied by the moderator.
Good God, it’s barely past noon (PST) and my head is about to explode from thinking of all these commercials that the self-preserving part of my brain has worked so hard to block out.
I know someone took Truth earlier, but this particular commercial wins this contest:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmAI7KQC0aI
WHAAAATTTT THAT IS IN CHICAGO TOO???? I would have bet lots of money that was a DC only thing Jesus Tittyfucking christ that commercial sucks.
Yeah but you have to admit there is no getting that jingle out of your head.
I’m Bill Curtis… and I’ve found, the internet!!!
::slams head into wall::
speaking of bad chicago commercials, 588 2300 empire is fucking amazing compared to the new LUNA commercials where the people are fucking humping their carpets and wood floors. kill! kill! kill!
WHAAAATTTT THAT IS IN CHICAGO TOO???? I would have bet lots of money that was a DC only thing Jesus Tittyfucking christ that commercial sucks.
I keep the box my computer came in so i can sit in it and Jack. What? You brought it up … Jack in the Box!
That flomax commericial where the guy comes out of the bathroom SMILING! the only reason I could see smiling coming out of the bathroom is if you had sex with a hot girl in said bathroom!
In Southern California, the only Sonic I could find was tucked away in Anaheim. Here in Albuquerque, Sonic is just as common as Jack in the Box in So. CA. And where’s that fucking Jack in the Box I was promised in Albuquerque, Jack? Hurry the fuck up!
Hell, I didn’t know there was so much widespread Sonic Envy. I’m in Oklahoma and we’re covered up with Sonic’s greasy goodness.
Damnit where’s my Sexy Friday?
Not sure if this is national or not, but it gets a lot of play in Chitown. “The Bedding Experts… where dreams… come… true.” I think Bedding Experts is where Luna, Empire, and Perillo BMW employees sleep.
I reiterate the Sonic cock-tease commercials. I think the commercials are somewhat funny, and Sonic’s food is amazing, but don’t make me drive to Champaign to eat it.
I honestly can’t believe that all of this stuff works on some people… it has to, doesn’t it???
2nd round Draft:
E-surance commercials…. that cartoon broad with the pink hair makes me feel different in my pants… that shouldn’t happen with cartoons. (Just fuzzies).
Radio. I think it’s a investment ad using a husband and wife bantering. He sez “And here’s the person who motivates me (nags my ass), my wife, Bitchy McYapcunt.’ Hubby ends the commercial with the always witty ‘Yeah, whatever’ response to wifey’s inane blatherings. Thank you Sirius for the pause/ffwd feature.
@j4b mercury made by ford motor co. even shitter than gm.
@Jeff V: It always reminds me of the Super Dave Band, if they learned a different song that is.
Smurphette: “Girls Gone Wild commercials. They are always on Comedy Central after midnight and they are so fucking annoying.”
Just close your eyes and enjoy the rhythm of the steel drums!
What about the one with Derek Jeter posing as a car salesman. In addition to being super aggravating and the annoying ass kid, there are major continuity issues, IE the fact that he is wearing cleats the first half of the ad and then is wearing work shoes.
DC Folk: Fuck Ronnie Mervis, his brother Zed and their slave labor South African diamond mines
STOP. WITH. THE. FLEA. COMMERCIAL. JINGLE. AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH.
There, that’s better. Y’all are right, Jill Wagner is hot, which is why she’s taking it up the ass from me, but the phrase “You’ve got to have Mercury on your list” pisses me off, because it is presumtuous and Mercury/GM is a piece of shit.
For my third pick, I’ll take any of the Papa John’s commercials featuring John Schnatter. The pizza’s good for a chain, but he’s a bobble-headed, shit-eating grin having, non-acting clown. And how dare you dance with your red papa john’s shirt on. Can’t you afford a wardrobe like everyone else? Asshat.
There is a DFS advert over here that is fucking excruciating to watch because of how embarrassingly shit it is. This is a company who sells sofa, but they think the best way to advertise their products is having people lip-sync and play air guitar to a song. But it’s not just any song…it’s fucking Rockstar. They’re trying to equate their shitty chairs with the sort of things Nickleback think a rock star would want. FUCK THAT FUCKING SHIT.