Scary news out of Indianapolis this morning. Apparently Peyton Manning has undergone a procedure to excise his scrotal sac. Reportedly Archie and Olivia decided that after 32 years it was time to get Peyton fixed. “He’s been displaying increased aggression towards other unfixed males, including repeated, yet fruitless, attempts to mount his perceived rivals,” said Peyton’s father.

Experts believe that the procedure will raise the pitch of Peyton’s voice by a few octaves, but nothing that should interfere with his lucrative endorsement deals.

Correction: Apparently Manning’s procedure was to remove a bursa sac in his knee, and not his scrotal sac as we initially reported. We deeply regret this error.