Big Snack Looks To Downsize To Regular Post-Lunch, Pre-Dinner Snack
Casey Hampton: Coach Sunglasses is all on my case for checking into camp a few pounds overweight. Says I can’t even practice until I drop a few. What kind of Catch-22 shit is that? Ted Washington never played a down in his career under 400 pounds and I’m in trouble for being 350? How’m I supposed to shed that weight, anyway? You’re my roommate, man. You gotta help.
Heath Miller: My diet? Well, yesterday I had an apple turnover. It’s sort of my weakness. That and Boston cream pie, white chocolate strawberries and, oh yeah, mmmmmmm key lime pie. I’ve even lost some weight.
[Hampton lunges at refrigerator, rips door off and frantically ferrets through the contents]
Hampton: What the shit? There’s nothing but yogurt in here.
Miller: Yeah, I know.
Hampton: Aw man, I get it. You’re doing just like in the goddamn commercial.
Whatever. So’s this stuff taste anything like it’s supposed to?
Miller: Kind of, I guess.
Hampton: Okay. They got any bacon yogurt?
Miller: No.
Hampton: Spare ribs yogurt?
Miller: No.
Hampton: General Tso’s Yogurt?
Miller: No.
Hampton: Chicken and waffles yogurt?
Miller: No.
Hampton: Fatback yogurt?
Miller: No.
Hampton: Philly cheesesteak yogurt?
Miller: No.
Hampton: Stuffed crust pizza yogurt?
Miller: No.
Hampton: Man, fuck this yogurt.
Miller: You ever thought of creative ways to be more active? You should get a pedometer.
Hampton: That’s one a’ those things that counts your steps, right?
Miller: Right. You could make it a goal to walk at least a certain amount of paces every day. Maybe increase it incrementally throughout training camp.
Hampton: That sounds okay. Either that or Hines told me I could push him around on his…his lickshaw? The fuck is a lickshaw?
Miller: Beats me. I can’t even begin to understand that guy.
[One month later]
Mike Tomlin: All right. Bring it in, bring it in.
Gentlemen, we’ve had a very productive camp and we’re closer to the team we need to be to overcome the daunting road ahead. There’s still progress that needs to be made. I’ve stressed all along that the Steelers are going to be a team comprised of players that are taking all facets of their job seriously. And that includes conditioning. For that reason, there are some players who are being promoted and demoted based on the possession of these qualities. For one, Chris Hoke will be taking over as our new first-team nose tackle.
[Hoke high-fives Brett Keisel]
Hoke: Woooo! That much closer to an all-BYU D-line!
[The two do some crazy Mormon dance]
Hampton: Your pedometer didn’t do shit for me!
Miller: I don’t know. It doesn’t work if you’re taking steps in rhythm with burrito bites.
Tomlin: [Interjecting] By the way, thanks for that bacon yogurt, Heath. That’s some tasty shit.
Miller: Eep.
Tags: fat people, xmas ape
July 29th, 2008 at 8:52 am
I heard Hampton’s blood type is gravy.
July 29th, 2008 at 9:00 am
I knew the Steelers were headed for a down season when they signed Bizarre from D12 to play the nose.
July 29th, 2008 at 9:04 am
GOD I hate those commercials.
“Ohmigod I get to indulge my need for sugary treats AND lose weight… THIS SATISFIES ALL MY WOMANLY CRAVINGS”
Also, Ape: are you implying that stepping in rhythm to burrito bites is NOT a valid form of exercise? I’ll have you know that the Mexirobics craze is SWEEPING THE NATION. Why, just yesterday I took a spinning class while double-fisting taquitos. It’s a great workout!
July 29th, 2008 at 9:22 am
I wouldn’t mind having a little bacon yogurt myself, but I think I ate too much tomacco earlier.
July 29th, 2008 at 9:26 am
futuremrsrickankiel Says:
July 29th, 2008 at 9:04 am
double-fisting taquitos
FF team name found.
And I want to know how to do the crazy Mormon dance. Particularly the part where you end up with multiple wives.
July 29th, 2008 at 9:37 am
I wash myself with a rag on a stick.
July 29th, 2008 at 9:53 am
so, are the steerers KSK’s team of the year? like Dallas was (more or less) last year? There just seems to be an embarrassment of riches on that team, what with roethlisberger, hines, sweed, hampton, Pittsburgh like a clown-car, no way that many characters can fit in such a non-nondescript team.
July 29th, 2008 at 10:20 am
Fatback yogurt? Get on it, Yoplait
July 29th, 2008 at 10:22 am
Miller turn to Hampton like that bitch in the commercial and condescendingly say, “babe. What are you doing?”
Then Hampton could murder-suicide Miller right then and there for having a sassy tone.
July 29th, 2008 at 10:42 am
I got youl Genelar Tso’s Fravoled Yogult light heel!
-Heinz Wald
July 29th, 2008 at 10:47 am
“You’re fingers are too fat to dial this phone. To obtain a special dialing wand – mash the keypad now”
July 29th, 2008 at 11:03 am
I get the feeling “Polish Sausage & Old Style” flavored yogurt would be a big seller in the NFC Central.
July 29th, 2008 at 11:13 am
Chicken and waffles yogurt?
Doug E. Fresh would like to have a word with you.
July 29th, 2008 at 11:23 am
I think that above conversation never actually took place. I am mean really. I am supposed to believe that actual football players are reenacting some shitty commercial i see on tv too much?
GET BACK TO REAL SPORTS NEWS STORIES… MRS KOLBER.
MORE TITLETOWN COVERAGE PLEASE.
July 29th, 2008 at 11:32 am
That wasn’t very useful at all.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
Where’s the love for Drunkie McKicksalot? The subtle insanities of Jeff Reed are a goldmine just waiting for you Mr. Ape. (door flies open)
July 29th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
I just love Steeler-centric KSK. Nice one, Ape.
PS: did you hear there’s a petition floating about the Interwebz for the B&G to go back to block numbering on the unis? Don’t personally care, myself (and won’t sign); just passing it along.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
Just a guess but I’m pretty sure stuffed crust pizza yogurt was the cause of Cutler’s diabeetus.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
@Porky1
Char-polish w/ onions and Old Style tallboy yogurt – that would rock Chicago!
July 29th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Maybe Hampton should roll down to Ben’s room and get some MD 20/20-flavored yogurt.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
@ futuremrs. – This is still better than those lesbian Yoplait commercials. Mmmmm…this is “first kiss good”. No….”shoe shopping good”. Ugghhh, die.
@ porky – Make sure your Polish Sausage & Old Style yogurt has the “fruit at the bottom” sauerkraut option.
And I would eat a gallon of Chicken & Waffles yogurt. That sounds too good for words.
July 29th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
I gotta say, I don’t understand why the dude needs to lose weight. Unless he just can’t move that bulk at all, isn’t he supposed to be a big, fat load? I mean, if a pro football player can’t eat whatever the fuck he wants, that’s not the kind of America I want to live in.
And Jebus, that white guy has a huge head.
July 29th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
You had me at bacon yogart.
But on a serious threadjack note, please tell me the KSK gang have seen that “Press Conference” with Jeff Garcia yesterday? Good god the only thing that was missing was his boyfriend blowing him under the podium (well, that might have happened)
July 29th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
His eyes are so close together.
I HAVE TO DRAW YOU.
July 29th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Great stuff ape. The parts that made me shit myself have already been cheered, so I’ll give you dap for the pics. Hampton and Miller actually look like they are at the kitchenette tabel in a crappy training-camp dorm.
July 29th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
his head is so fat you can’t see his ears when you look at him straight on.
July 29th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
thats ‘kitchenette table’, fucktard.
[bacon yogurt flies open]
July 29th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
/threadjack
@ Rob in Wi: about the Jeff Garcia press conference…dear God, yes! While I was watching it all i could think was, “Oh, God, I can’t wait to see the article about THIS on KSK.”
“Gruden likes to date quarterbacks, not marry them.”
“I’m going to choke it to death, and if someone else comes in, they’re going to have to pull my grip off it.”
Maybe the fruit was just too low-hanging?
/ends threadjack
/punches self in face for ending with awful double-entendre
July 29th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
No sclapper yogult?
July 30th, 2008 at 12:50 am
Fatty Boomballatty-ism is a national epidemic.
July 30th, 2008 at 3:36 am
Right, guys. Welcome to training camp. O-line, D-line, I’d like you to start off with a brisk 40-yard waddle. Don’t worry! Don’t worry! We have interns every 5 yards to hand out Gatorade and Moon Pies.
November 1st, 2008 at 7:43 pm
HAHA! This is effing priceless. Many thanks for the laughs. When you find that chicken and waffle yogurt, give me a holler.