Lots of suspense here.

TORONALO BILLS

A Few Fast Facts About The Bills

- Drafting Lee Evans on your fantasy team is a sure-fire way to get a steel-toed dick kicking each and every week. And your balls with be placed on a tee for said booting.
- The Bills were 4-1 last year in games where Marshawn Lynch ran for more than 91.44 meters.
- Donte Whitner has guaranteed that the Bills will make the playoffs. Naturally he means in the CFL.
- Now that Tim Russert has died, the most famous Bills fan is… the decomposing corpse of Tim Russert!
- Stephen Abootman approves of Ralph Wilson’s plan to bring Canadia more money.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 7.5 wins

Verdict: Under

Nice try, Vegas. The Bills flirted with contention for a few weeks last year before losing five out of their last seven games and finishing 7-9. You’d think with a few breaks this year, coupled with the fact that they’ll be playing four games against the NFC West, and they could make the jump to 8-8. But the yearlong QB controversy between Trent Edwards and J.P. Losman should keep NFL fans glued to the sets for 10, maybe 15 seconds.

MIAMI DOLPHINS

A Few Fast Facts About The Dolphins
- Ronnie Brown hopesw to bounce back from last year’s injury with an even more career-threatening one this year.
- They’re bringing Quincy Carter in for a try-out this week. If he does well, he could be coveted roster spot as Ricky Williams pot supplier. Careful, Miami: he skims.
- Joey Porter requests time away from the field to solve the Bay Harbor Butcher case on his own.
- Parcells has also shown interest in bringing in Terry Glenn. Because some women you just never get over.
- Tony Sparano would tah reiterate what a huge fucking pleasure it is tah have young talent the fucking likes of Jake Long on this here fucking team. Anyone who says otherwise could kind themselves with a bit of a conflict on their hands, capische?

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 5.5 wins

Verdict: Under

Whoa whoa whoa. Sure, they’ll probably improve over their 1-15 campaign of last year, but let’s not go nuts, okay? I mean six wins is asking a lot. That’s like almost Bears-level sucking. And the Dolphins haven’t quite reached that plateau of suck. I’d say Chiefs-level suckage is attainable this season.

THE 18-1 EIGHTEENANDONES

A Few Fast Facts About The Patriots

- Junior Seau gleaned from the latest Indiana Jones movie that he too could be serviceably mediocre well into his 90s.
- Feeling betrayed by helmets everywhere, Rodney Harrison only vows to hit people not wearing them.
- In accordance with the terms of his contract, Wes Welker did not spend any time in the sun over the summer, so as to ensure the the purity of his milky whiteness.
- There’s a lot of pressure on the Patriots this season. Not just to rebound from last year’s disappointment, but as it states in the New England Sports Fan Charter, if any local team should go five years without winning a title, all acknowledgment of said team’s existence will be vehemently refuted, ya fackin’ daaahkie lovin’ shitbawx!
- It should come as a shock to no one who sees the Bill Belichick sex tape that he is not circumcised. Or that the extra skin is gray and made of a thick cotton material.
- Let’s just say the Commonwealth (gay) of Massachusetts is about to be owned outright by Visa.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 12 wins

Verdict: Over

Only the fucking Patriots could have a perfect regular season and wind up with the league’s easiest schedule the following season. Some might say it’s collusion but [whisked away from keyboard by NFL goons] there isn’t even the slightest trace of impropriety in the way the schedule is drawn up. I, for one, look forward to the inimitable excitement and pageantry only found in the National Football League.

NEW YORK JETS

A Few Fast Facts About The Jets

- Your tits must be as large as Mangini’s if you wish to display them at the Meadowlands.
- The Jets are deciding their starting QB by coin flip. Harvey Dent approves.
- Still think Alan Faneca is the best guard in football? Congratulations, you haven’t watched a game since 2005.
- Speaking of 2005, Kris Jenkins had already passed his brief prime by then. Great free agent class, New York!
- Like Braves first baseman Casey Kotchman, Jerricho Cotchery has people immaturely snicker at his name. But because he’s black, he can get people to stop.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 7.5 wins

Verdict: Over

Drew made a big deal about caling the Jets as his surprise playoff team for this year and maybe they would be if they were in the fucking NFC. Still, other than the Pats, they reside in a division where 8-8 seems within the realm of possibility. Unless, of course, they land Brett Favre. Then they’ll have no fucking prayer at all.

e-Mancipate Link

Image via Busted Coverage

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What improbable series of events leads one to the conclusion that reworking a Hannah Montana tune into a torch song for Brett Favre is a good idea? The young man loves Favre, and thus he chooses a precocious Disney Channel child star to speak for him. I am wracking my brain trying to figure out what it is I love so much that I would pay tribute in a similar manner.

The closest I come to this level of affection for anything might be for sweet tea and cornbread. I’m sure if my dad ever told me that sweet tea and cornbread and were dropping out, I would probably stu-stu-stutter too. But even then, I don’t know if I would use Miley Cyrus as the basis of a paean of my affinity. Maybe the Jonas Brothers though. They rock.

We’re running on a bit of a skeleton staff here this week with Drew getting a rum and coke enema at the Cape and flubby out with his traveling band of hillbilly bears, so we’re doing our best to keep up with the travails of the gayest QBs in the NFL, many of whom are struggling to reach an understanding, or even climax, with the objects of their affection.

Courtesy of Hot Clicks is Bretty Boy going for his own Lloyd Dobler effect.

Before even that, Jeff Garcia visibly bore the frustration of a hopeful yet strung along bride-to-be when he discusses a possible Favre liaison with that philanderer Jon Gruden:

“Jon Gruden hasn’t given you an answer yet?” Garcia said. “He loves quarterbacks. But he likes to just date. He doesn’t like to marry.”

Silly goosey Garcia, don’t you know how stereotypically promiscuous the gays are? You dumb old queen, let a real man, like Brady Quinn show you how to work it. He’s not concerned with settling down, not when his calves are looking so good in those black tights! Woooo! Look out, the other six gay guys in Ohio! Brady’s ready to stalk you in the night like a cat.

FAT GUY IN TRACK SUIT [in booth eating pizza]: You Jimmy?

JIMMY: Yeah.

FAT GUY: Yeah, that’s some hat, kid. Ah, what the hey. Siddown, why doncha?

JIMMY: Thanks. [sits down]

FAT GUY: Here, have a slice. Four cheeses on this pie. Best in the state. Fuggetaboutit. Hey, Jimmy. Jimmy, don’t look so nervous, eh? Come on, Jimmy, have a slice.

JIMMY: I’m alright. Thanks.

FAT GUY: So, uh, you need some taking care of someone in your organization? That’s what our mutual friend said to me. So who we lookin’ at here?

JIMMY: So you guys? You, uh, k–

FAT GUY: Shhhshhh, Jimmy. Do me a favor and shuddafuggup, okay? We don’t use that word. We take care of people. You know, like an escort service. ONLY THEY’RE THE ONES THAT GET BLASTED!!! [slaps table] HAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHA!

JIMMY: Haha, yeah, that wasn’t really funny…

FAT GUY: I can see you’re really nervous, Jimmy. And let me tell you somethin, okay? Some people…they just deserve it. We don’t ask questions, we just make your life easier…for a price. Now come on, eat some pie.

JIMMY: No, really. I’m good.

FAT GUY: It’s delicious. Four cheeses.

JIMMY: No.

FAT GUY: [cocks gun under the table] Eat it.

[Jimmy takes a slice and eats it]

Alright, alright, no more funny stuff. Down to business. So what’s the occasion? The UPS man fuckin’ your wife? Somebody makin’ trouble near yo’ residence? Who’s the man o’ the hour?

JIMMY: [pulls out photo] This guy…

FAT GUY: I see. Well, a person of this high profile is going to cost a little extra.

JIMMY: I don’t care. This might be the only way I, uh, I mean Aaron gets to play.

FAT GUY: Alright, the final price tag is gonna be–

[door flies open]

T. J. HOUSHMANZADEH: Hey.

FAT GUY: What the fuck do you want?

JIMMY: Get out of here!

T. J. HOUSHMANZADEH: Aaron Rodgers. You play for the Red Wings, right?

AARON RODGERS: No, I’m Jimmy. I’m–

T. J. HOUSHMANZADEH: Do you have anything to drink?

FAT GUY: I’m gettin’ outta here. [gets up and leaves]

AARON: Thanks a lot, you Persian fuck. I just went through all of this for nothing.

T. J. HOUSHMANZADEH: Okay, bye.

This weekend Art Monk will finally be enshrined in the Professional Football Hall of Fame in Canton, OH. KSK has received a copy of the speech he plans to read upon his induction and it follows below in its entirety, and might I say, that guy is still all class.

Oh man, I can’t even tell you guys how great it feels to be standing up here. After all these years I’d begun to resign myself to the idea that I’d never see the day my bust was placed in Canton, but it just shows you the importance of perseverance.

As many of you know I am a man of humble beginnings. Growing up as the son of a welder and a maid in White Plains I never dreamed of the possibility of making my living as a professional athlete. In fact, I was more interested in becoming a musician like my cousin Thelonious for many of my younger years. Fortunately for me I soon gravitated towards football, a game that has provided me with nearly endless opportunities.

After we won our first Super Bowl I was able to open the Art Monk Football Camp where some 14,000 children have learned the craft of the game we all love so much. Spending so many years working with the camp provided experiences as rewarding as any on-field accomplishments, but the three Super Bowls were pretty great too.

Speaking of the Super Bowls, I’d like to take this opportunity to thank all of my teammates and coaches over the years. Each and every one of you are apart of this honor, and I surely wouldn’t be here without your support. I’d also like to thank the Cooke family for drafting me into the tremendous Washington Redskins organization as well as Coach Joe Gibbs who taught me more about how to be an upstanding Christian man than anyone outside of my father.

Of course I can’t conclude without thanking the members of the media who have supported my induction for so many years. There is something incredibly humbling about having thousands of tireless fans passionately campaigning on your behalf. Today I share this honor with all of you, and thank you for your support.

With all that being said, I’d like to address one more group before I go sit back down to listen to my friend and teammate Darrell Green.

To Peter King, Cliff Christl, Paul Zimmerman, and any of my other current and former detractors, consider yourselves humbly invited to…
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DREW BREES: (hammers nail into newly built house) Phew! That’s five houses re-built in New Orleans this week! If I hurry I can still finish remodeling the orphanage across town before training camp starts tomorrow.

KID: Mister Brees! Can I have an autograph?

BREES: Of course you can, young man.

(takes off shirt, signs shirt, gives it to KID)

Saayyyy… those shoes of yours look awfully ragged. I bet you’d like some new ones!

KID: Would I!!!

BREES: Tell you what, I’d love to go with you to buy some new ones right now, but I’ve got stuff to take care of across town before the UNICEF benefit tonight. Here’s some money.

(hands KID $800)

Buy some for your brothers and sisters, too, okay?

(rubs KID’s head before KID runs off)

BREES: Adorable little scamp.

DISEMBODIED VOICE: DREWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!

BREES: Who said that??

VOICE: DREW BREEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!

BREES: Oh, no. It’s… it’s…

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Casey Hampton: Coach Sunglasses is all on my case for checking into camp a few pounds overweight. Says I can’t even practice until I drop a few. What kind of Catch-22 shit is that? Ted Washington never played a down in his career under 400 pounds and I’m in trouble for being 350? How’m I supposed to shed that weight, anyway? You’re my roommate, man. You gotta help.

Heath Miller: My diet? Well, yesterday I had an apple turnover. It’s sort of my weakness. That and Boston cream pie, white chocolate strawberries and, oh yeah, mmmmmmm key lime pie. I’ve even lost some weight.

[Hampton lunges at refrigerator, rips door off and frantically ferrets through the contents]

Hampton: What the shit? There’s nothing but yogurt in here.

Miller: Yeah, I know.

Hampton: Aw man, I get it. You’re doing just like in the goddamn commercial.

Whatever. So’s this stuff taste anything like it’s supposed to?

Miller: Kind of, I guess.

Hampton: Okay. They got any bacon yogurt?

Miller: No.

Hampton: Spare ribs yogurt?

Miller: No.

Hampton: General Tso’s Yogurt?

Miller: No.

Hampton: Chicken and waffles yogurt?

Miller: No.

Hampton: Fatback yogurt?

Miller: No.

Hampton: Philly cheesesteak yogurt?

Miller: No.

Hampton: Stuffed crust pizza yogurt?

Miller: No.

Hampton: Man, fuck this yogurt.

Miller: You ever thought of creative ways to be more active? You should get a pedometer.

Hampton: That’s one a’ those things that counts your steps, right?

Miller: Right. You could make it a goal to walk at least a certain amount of paces every day. Maybe increase it incrementally throughout training camp.

Hampton: That sounds okay. Either that or Hines told me I could push him around on his…his lickshaw? The fuck is a lickshaw?

Miller: Beats me. I can’t even begin to understand that guy.

—————————————————————

[One month later]

Mike Tomlin: All right. Bring it in, bring it in.

Gentlemen, we’ve had a very productive camp and we’re closer to the team we need to be to overcome the daunting road ahead. There’s still progress that needs to be made. I’ve stressed all along that the Steelers are going to be a team comprised of players that are taking all facets of their job seriously. And that includes conditioning. For that reason, there are some players who are being promoted and demoted based on the possession of these qualities. For one, Chris Hoke will be taking over as our new first-team nose tackle.

[Hoke high-fives Brett Keisel]

Hoke: Woooo! That much closer to an all-BYU D-line!

[The two do some crazy Mormon dance]

Hampton: Your pedometer didn’t do shit for me!

Miller: I don’t know. It doesn’t work if you’re taking steps in rhythm with burrito bites.

Tomlin: [Interjecting] By the way, thanks for that bacon yogurt, Heath. That’s some tasty shit.

Miller: Eep.

I don’t get it. I really don’t fucking get it.

You think you can just walk in here, totally unprepared? You think you’re so goddamn good that you can just walk in here and lollyfuck around and miss assignments? Because none of you shitheads seem to give a damn. I asked for an honest effort. AND YOU FUCKED ME IN THE ASS IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT! You fucked yourselves and you fucked each other! FUCK FUCK FUCK!

[cell phone rings in first row. Cowher knocks phone out of student's hand with his chin, smashing it into the wall]

Where’s the passion? Where’s the topic sentences with supporting ideas? You dickeaters don’t even seem to GRASP THE BASIC CONCEPTS OF SENTENCE STRUCTURE. The subject sets up the predicate, people. We went over this during the summer. If you can’t–

[Student walks in late]

What is this, Terrell? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT? Did you just walk into my class two minutes late? WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? IF YOU THINK FOR A COCKSUCKIN’ MINUTE THAT YOU CAN LOLLY-WALTZY-GAG IN HERE LATE YOU ARE OUTTA YOUR FUCKING MIND! Whose program are you on, Terrell?

Same goes for all of you other Skittle-shits.

IN MY HAND are 25 of the worst goddamned reading assignments on The Fall of The House Of Usher I’ve EVER FUCKING READ IN MY ENTIRE PUSSY-LICKING LIFE! All you HAD TO DO was read the story TO KNOW THAT USHER ISN’T IN THE FUCKING STORY! This story was written 150 years before Usher’s DAD COULD EVEN BUST A LOAD!

Where’s Anderson? Did you bother to crawl out of your bean bag today, Anderson? Oh, good, YOU DID. Because you failed. I’d give you a lower grade than that, but you got an F because at least you drew a picture of a tree on the back of your assignment.

Anderson: That’s a house.

WHO THE FUCK ASKED YOU ABOUT ANYTHING!?!?!

This is horse-shit, people! Absolute fruit-laden horse shit!

And you better step it up. YOU BETTER STEP IT THE FUCK UP! BECAUSE IF YOU CAN’T CUT IT HERE AT WAKE TECHNICAL COMMUNITY, then guess what, goatfuckers? The only thing farther down IS THE FUCKING TURD IN BETWEEN YOUR CLEATS!

NOW READ GRAPES OF WRATH FOR TUESDAY AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CLASSROOM BEFORE I RIP YOUR ASSHOLES OUT OF YOUR TAINTS AND PAWN THEM OFF AS A VISOR COLLECTION! CLASS DISMISSED!!!

Where black coaches go to whale on each other.

BALTIMORE RAVENS

A Few Fast Facts About the Ravens
- These are the only six white people in Baltimore not living in Federal Hill. Update: They’ve since been killed and dumped in a vacant rowhouse.
-Ever notice how the Ravens were never referenced on The Wire? Like, not even once? Where did McNulty and Bunk go when they were in the mood for a sporting event? Orioles game. What jersey did Namond Brice wear in Season 4? Eagles. (Yeah, Cunningham Jerome Brown throwback, but whatevs). All I’m saying is the team is evil and David Simon realizes this. Which is why I love him.
-Willis McGahee doesn’t like that Travis Henry gets all the pub for fathering illegitimate children. He hopes some of his illegitimate children grow up to be media professionals who will correct this disparity.
-The Ravens answer for the retired Jonathan Ogden is second-year tackle Jared Gaither. He went to Maryland, so you know how much he sucks.
-Paper Moon Diner is kinda cool. THERE I SAID SOMETHING FUCKING NICE ABOUT BALTIMORE

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 6 wins

Verdict: Push

Six wins sounds like a reasonable tally for a team with no quarterback and a rookie coach who looks like he’s 28. But, hey, they still have an old, homicidal overrated linebacker, an overrated safety and Haloti Ngata. That’s got to be worth at least two wins over Cincy.

CINCINNATI BENGALS

A Few Fast Facts About the Bengals:

- Their reputation of unlawfulness has outlived its relevance. They’ve gone back to generally depressing ineptitude now.
- The struggling economy has pushed the retirement age of Willie Anderson from 35 to 68.
- Shayne Graham’s first name is actually Michael. But he didn’t want to be confused for the conservative author. Or a heterosexual.
- Former Bengals safety Madieu Williams signed with the Vikings for $33 million. This act alone is responsible for all depreciation of the dollar.
- The Bengals acquired Carson’s little brother, Jordan Palmer, in the off-season. Cooper Palmer, however, chooses to live his life in the shadows, feasting on lost passersby and pets who have lost their way.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 7 wins

Verdict: Under

Are you explosively shitting on my dick? Seven wins out of this team? They have enough clubhouse turmoil to fill 10 Middle Easts. And ammunition too! Seriously Vegas, I appreciate the gift, but the Bungles will be lucky not to lose more than 12 games. Maybe the seven was actually meant to indicate the number of year extension Marvin Lewis will somehow get after this season. Mike Brown should get a reality show.

CLEVELAND BROWNS

A Few Fast Facts About the Browns:
- Did you know they’ve never been a Super Bowl?
- Isn’t that sad?
- Couldn’t you just cry for Cleveland?
- No?
- Me neither.
- Brady Quinn can tell you everything you’ve eaten for the last seven months by tasting your semen. If you’ve also tasted semen during that span you may become his intended.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 8 wins

Verdict: Over

The Browns are everybody’s chichi pick for a Super Bowl run this year, despite falling apart in big games late last season and having a coach who generally doesn’t know what he’s doing once he’s let out of his terrarium. They did pick up the Pats’ least impressive receiver and a defensive lineman from the Lions who only shows up when games are catered. What else do you need to turn the corner?

PITTSBURGH STEELERS

A Few Fast Facts About The Steelers
- Marvel Smith’s back is being held together by Bubble Tape. Unfortunately, it’s not chewed.
- The only thing Jeff Reed doesn’t do drunk is wash his car. Because he doesn’t know where he left it.
- LaMarr Woodley will have 38 sacks this season. But 33 of them will be against Troy Smith.
- Ben Roethlisberger’s favorite bedtime snack is Parmesan Goldfish and scabs.
- Santonio Holmes’ penis can act as a cell phone tower if needed.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 9 wins

Verdict: Over

Sure, they have the league’s most difficult schedule this year. It’ll be tough, but they’re up to the task. After all, they did pretty much address all of their weaknesses in the off-season. Well, all of them EXCEPT THE REALLY FUCKING HUGE OBVIOUS ONE THAT IS THE OFFENSIVE LINE! Justin Hartwig is good, right? Right? Oh man, here come the waterworks.