What’s With All This F—king Dancing S—t?
Hey, Taylor. Taylor! Get the fuck over here, you fucking faggot you.
I wanna talk to you. NOW.
Oh, you have a meeting with some people in Hollywood? Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. fucking Brando. I didn’t know I was supposed to wait for your fucking weekly salad meeting. You fucking pansy ass fuck. You talk to me NOW, you hear me, you little prick? The fuck is the respect here? Why don’t you go moisturize your asshole a little more?
Sit down.
SIT FUCKING DOWN. Have an olive.
Now I’ve been talking to Mr. Parcells. He’s a patient guy, Jason. Way more fucking patient than I am. The fat fuck. If it were up to me, I’d fucking disown you like I’d disown any homosexual offspring. But Mr. Parcells ain’t like that. He’s more prone to rationality and all that shit. So he asked me to sit down and talk to you, man to man, to get your side of the story. All he wants to know, and all I want to know is this:
What’s with all this fucking dancing shit?
Seriously, what the fuck? What kinda man dances? It’s a fucking disgrace, is what it is. Dancing is fucking faggot shit. We all know that. What are you doing, goin’ out there in those fucking outfits fucking twirling around? In public, no less! You’re making a fucking mockery of everything we do here.
Men don’t dance, okay? Growing up in my neighborhood, you didn’t dance. If your fucking girl brought you to some stupid fucking club, you just stood there on the dance floor while she danced around you. Then she’d drift away from you on the dance floor and start dancing with her girl friends. Then you’d get all pissed and say, “Hey, what the fuck? Why aren’t you dancing with me, you stupid twat?” Then she’d get all mad because you weren’t “really dancing.” Then you’d say, “I was fucking dancing, honey. Just ‘cause I don’t shake my ass like some two-bit whore doesn’t mean I ain’t dancing.” Then she’d throw her purse at you. Then you’d drag her off the floor by her hair and kick her ass.
That’s how it’s fucking done, okay? If you danced like that, then maybe this wouldn’t be an issue. But you had to go there doing shit like this:
The fuck is this? Can you fucking explain this? Where are your fucking sleeves, asshole? Huh? And what’s with the look? Was the cock about to go in your mouth, or had it just been taken out? You understand how this makes us look? People are gonna think of dolphins as all cute and cuddly now. And what about this?
The fuck? What are you, Yul Brynner, fucko? I’m sorry, but this is fucking unacceptable. If other teams knew we were harboring a faggot, we wouldn’t be doing business with them much longer. Now the girl is hot. I’ll give you that. I’d tickle her asscrack with my mustache. But just because she’s a piece of ass doesn’t mean you can just go around wearing an untied bowtie.
What the fuck is with that? The only time that’s acceptable is if you’re drunk after your cousin’s wedding. And you ain’t drunk. I THINK YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU’RE DOING.
Did you just roll your eyes? You got a lot of fucking nerve showing that kind of disrespect, kid. I could fucking cut you today, then allow you to sign with any other team you like at an enormous salary. Would you fucking like THAT to happen? I think not.
So straighten the fuck up, kid. Quit dancing, and get back to showering with the rest of the team and slapping your linemates on the ass. Or else, something will be done.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, they can't possibly be dumb enough to cut him, Tony Dice Sparano, Tri-state area homophobia
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June 2nd, 2008 at 11:32 am
Gabagool
/posterity
June 2nd, 2008 at 11:34 am
disgrazia!
June 2nd, 2008 at 11:35 am
This is the Dolphins… yes they could be dumb enough to cut him!
June 2nd, 2008 at 11:36 am
The city of Miami does not tolerate any behavior that can be construed as mildly gay!
June 2nd, 2008 at 11:44 am
There is a Brady Quinn joke that can be made, but I’m struggling to find it after this weekend.
June 2nd, 2008 at 11:52 am
Tony Sparano is rapidly becoming my favorite Italian on this site.
June 2nd, 2008 at 11:59 am
Try making this argument at the Latin clubs in Philadelphia. I’ll be by later with a sponge to pick you up.
June 2nd, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Now I want a stromboli.
June 2nd, 2008 at 12:11 pm
@devin hester
I’ll give it a shot…
It was months after the draft until Brady Quinn found out the Dolphins passed on him because Jason Taylor prefers tops.
June 2nd, 2008 at 12:14 pm
+1 to both Drews
June 2nd, 2008 at 12:27 pm
How many girls called you today, Taylor? Zero? Well how many girls called you yesterday? Wait, let me guess… zero? Well you know what they say… zero plus zero equals FAG!
June 2nd, 2008 at 12:37 pm
I think they’ll cut Taylor…cut him deep and slow and let him bleed out like a stuck hog.
Uh…what were we talking about again?
June 2nd, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Mr. Whipple has a foul mouth.
June 2nd, 2008 at 1:14 pm
HE’S A FAAAAAAAAAAAG!!!
June 2nd, 2008 at 1:19 pm
“Have an olive”
Awesome.
June 2nd, 2008 at 1:21 pm
Grimey: That’s a great call, especially given what came next:
“Son, wake up, it’s midnight Christmas eve, and I wanted to thank you, son. I don’t deserve this. [opens present] What the hell is this? Tap shoes? I don’t dance. I can’t dance, ya little bastard!”
June 2nd, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Otto Man, Grimey:
How do you get a job drinking for the government? I’ve been doing it as an unpaid consultant since I was 12. Maybe I have to move to Canadia.
June 2nd, 2008 at 2:06 pm
When are we going to find out that Taylor has been regularly hitting that during his divorce and seeing the drama and shenanigans unfold on ESPN? I live for that kind of reporting on SportsCenter.
June 2nd, 2008 at 2:07 pm
What does Sal P have to say about all of this?
June 2nd, 2008 at 2:19 pm
How do you get a job drinking for the government?
I think it involves the quiet shoes.
June 2nd, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Daddy drank.
June 2nd, 2008 at 3:08 pm
@Doc Holliday: Maybe some pro-shoot wiv your olive, a-yes?
June 2nd, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Jason Taylor is Hollywood’s next major action star. He’s like Howie Long, Lyle Alzado, John Matuszak, Jim Brown, Fred “The Hammer” Williamson, Carl Weathers, Dick Butkus, Bubba Smith…
June 2nd, 2008 at 4:20 pm
…Rosie Grier…
June 2nd, 2008 at 4:35 pm
Sparano – Totally into Hate Sex.
June 2nd, 2008 at 4:43 pm
mmmm hate sex
June 2nd, 2008 at 5:13 pm
REST IN PEACE AND ENJOY YOUR HEAVENLY REWARD, BO DIDDLEY.
June 2nd, 2008 at 11:15 pm
I was wondering when Tony Sparano would make a return appearance. +1 for the Yul Brynner reference.
June 3rd, 2008 at 3:18 am
Hey, don’t knock Jim Brown around too much. Dude was in “The Dirty Dozen.” And lest we forget Carl Weathers in “Predator” and the “Rocky” flicks?
If anything, throw Brian Bosworth’s sorry ass on that list instead. “Stone Cold” Are you fucking kidding me?!?
June 3rd, 2008 at 9:47 am
You’re definitely right about Jim Brown and Carl Weathers. They’re kick ass. Fred Williamson, too. I’d forgotten about Brian Bosworth. “Stone Cold”, indeed.
June 3rd, 2008 at 11:27 pm
Brian Bosworth: the Tony Mandarich of putative action heroes. Just what does Bosworth’s resume look like?
Probably something like Parcells’s after the Dolphins go down the shitter faster than their discarded tampons.
June 3rd, 2008 at 11:32 pm
Jason Taylor is married to Zack Thomas, er Zack Thomas’ sister. Just sayin’