It’s no wonder the Patriots have had to make do with guys like Randall Gay in the secondary the last few years. As soon as you wave some money in front of one of them, they chase it like a pack of dogs. Really makes you think about their culture. Asante, we’re glad to be rid of him. Receiver would’ve caught that Eli pass on the final drive.

Sometimes when I’m guttily charging through secondaries, I find myself taken aback with the conditions these people choose to play in. Players lazily strewn about. Little sense of cohesion. Defensive calls that don’t even sound like English to me. It’s all me, me, me. Have they no self-respect? It’s just so, so typical. I just pray my daughter doesn’t bring one home someday.

After the game, I head over into their side of the locker room, always making sure to remove my valuables first, and I hear them playing their jungle cornerback music. Rhythm is offensive to the ear. I caught Randy listening to some of it once and diced him with my pen knife. Over in the offense’s corner, we set the bass maximum at “Silverchair”. We keep things orderly, never speaking out of turn.

There are some find, upstanding exceptions. The “model secondary”. That John Lynch, for example. Did a great job in leading the Buccaneers to that Super Bowl. Hard-hitting. Straight shooter. Why can’t they follow his example? Instead they call him a shun him and call him a traitor to his kind. Because he works hard? These are a people I will never understand.

And don’t get me started on the blacks!