The Sweet Science 16: The Bracket of Pain
Yesterday we introduced the idea of a tournament to decide who is the true heavyweight champion of the world, and today we have an official 16-man bracket. We started with a list of some 40-odd football players before eventually narrowing it down to the current field. And as you can see by the masterful artwork on the bracket we’ve spent countless hours on this project.
Starting tomorrow we’ll be posting a tale-of-the-tape for each of the eight first round matchups and you’ll have the opportunity to vote for your pick to move on, or for Shockey to go home in a bloody heap.
Feel free to bitch about the rankings in the comment section, or congratulate us on a complete lack of Patriots.
Tags: KSK Decides, The Champ Is Here, The Sweet Science 16, Unsilent Majority, Worst MS Paint Ever
June 25th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Congrats on the complete lack of Pay-tree-uts.
June 25th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Bob Sanders isn’t on there.
Do you guys have some height requirement for this bracket or something?
June 25th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
No Javon Walker?
June 25th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Never mind, I didn’t see the original post. Carry on.
June 25th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
So many people have called for Sanders and MJD that we might have to break out some light-heavyweights.
June 25th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Is this Ray Lewis with or without a blade?
And Urlacher’s people say he’s holding out of the tournament until he’s ranked in the top 5.
June 25th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
I smells me some upsets in the 12, 13, 14, 15, seed range.
June 25th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
kyle vanden bosch????
June 25th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
I predict Marion Barber will be missing a bite-sized piece of at least one ear after round 1. Also, are we going by players in their prime, or right now? Because Merriman is supposedly off steroids now (not that anyone believes that).
Also, congratulations on the complete lack of Patriots. Although, it would have been nice to fantasize about Bruschi suffering another stroke due to a swift blow to the head.
June 25th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Whoa. whoa. whoa! No DeMeco Ryans??? Put down the glue gun and check your stats!
June 25th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
I’ll take Al Wilson for the win.
Wait, what?
June 25th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
@ dick gozinia:
Awesome picture. Very underrated movie.
June 25th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
shouldn’t a 4 play a 13 and a 5 a 12?
June 25th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
No Silverback James Harrison, Xmas Ape your lack of homerism dissapoints me.
June 25th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
2Port,
Or Sepulveda. BOOOOOOOOOO (Whoops, I forgot I’m not a Jets/Eagles fan).
June 25th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
No Kevin Everett?
June 25th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Jim you uptight ass…your right. the sum of the seeds must = 17. And the number shall be 17, and 17 is the number.
June 25th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
i can’t wait to read the reasons why zibokowski wouldnt murder everyone in here. ONLY ON THE INTERNETS!
June 25th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Al Wilson? Is dude even playing anymore? I think he broke his freakin’ neck. Cripples do not make good boxers.
June 25th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
@BTP - yeah, that was the joke. Bronco fan here wishing we still had him at his peak.
June 25th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Mike Sellers FTW. The man is certifiable beast
June 25th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
I’m just glad shockey got in so he can get knocked out
June 25th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Is that Peter Tom Willis? If so, I got him.
June 25th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
But how do we determine which round Gholston will totally disappear in? Can we eliminate any players that haven’t actually played in the NFL yet?
And yes, pound for pound, there’s no one tougher than Bob Sanders. And MJD is just ridiculous.
Also, is Ray Lewis armed? And seriously? Jeremy “I’m going to whine my way out of New York because they won’t throw me the ball enough, even though I’m a tight end and should be happy with whatever I get and focusing on my lame ass blocking skills instead” Shockey?
June 25th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
I was hoping for Barnett… but would get in on his drink hitting abilities alone. But I guess alleged offences don’t count for shit.
“Barnett allegedly hit drinks out of two women’s hands, then knocked one to the floor. He won’t have a criminal record, but may still face NFL discipline.”
June 25th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
@ Phony - No crap on the wanting Wilson back. Just to piss off the Maj… What no Cutler, he can bench a lot many times.
June 25th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
yeah, i botched the 5/12 seed deal.
and remember people, we are operating under the assumption that all of these men grew up boxing rather than playing football. Zbikowski is certainly the best boxing football player, but if he and Merriman both grew up with the same exposure to boxing that might be different. hence the point of the tournament.
June 25th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
No Travis Henry? His profligate seed alone would wipe out the entire bracket by sheer numbers.
June 25th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
No Casey Hampton on sheer size alone?
June 25th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
So is Rivers going to be Neal’s ring girl?
June 25th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
without OLIN KREUTZ, this bracket is a sham.
June 25th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Fuck you guys on the lack of patriots.
Vince Wilfork = King Hippo
He would get by at least two rounds before someone figured out his defense is impenetrable until he opens his mouth and his pants fall down.
June 25th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Without Jared Allen and his fu man chu’d (it’s glorious) and drunken shenanigans, this tournament is dead to me.
June 25th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
As a Falcons fan, I’m upset at the omission of Keith Brooki…..
Fuck I’m racist.
June 25th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
I also vote for a super heavyweight tournament, if for no other reason than I want to watch Shaun Rogers’ man tits flail around.
/pissing off bissinger because i talked about man tits.
June 25th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
Lorenzo Neal reminds me of Puck from the X-Men
June 25th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
i’m sorry to be bitching but THOMAS FUCKING JONES
June 25th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Not only did you pick two fucking Jets, but you picked maybe the two softest Jets. Well done, men.
June 25th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
why are there any offensive players listed? might as well give their opponent a bye.
June 25th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Was Jared Lorenzen left off because he was cut the other day?
June 25th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
THOMAS FUCKING JONES is only FIVE FOOT FUCKING 10!
June 25th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Field of 32 Maybe?
June 25th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Will Welkaaah be refereeing when the dahkies fight?
June 25th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Put ‘em in a body bag Maj! Oh and my money’s on Ray-Ray stabbing Osi in the shitter FTW.
June 25th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
What…no Bengals? They’ll come armed to the teeth for their battle! They’ve committed enough assault and battery and other mayhem that they deserve some representation.
June 25th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Can we add failed NFL players? I’d at least like a Bob Sapp vs. Brock Lesnar undercard during one of the bouts
June 25th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
Michael Vick is learning some mad skills in the big house. Just wait til he gets out!
“I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!”
/faints in the middle of the stage.
June 25th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
@ dick_gozinia - I’d rather have Urlacher’s baby’s mama fighting - she’s tougher - besides, he’d probably just text this in and no show.
June 25th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Between Rounds can Romo Fight Jessica’s Dad?
June 25th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
You all can have whoever wins this thing, and I’ll take Ed Hoculi.
June 25th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
no leonard little?
June 25th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
Bob Sanders doesn’t box because there is no ring that could contain the pain that Bob Sanders brings.
June 25th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
Anyone remember Houston Oilers FB Alonzo Highsmith? After football, he became a pretty good pro heavyweight. He beat the hell out of Mark Gastineau in the ring.
June 25th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Mike Sellers is a potential Sleeper pick at the 5 seed. He should easily destroy Urlacher and could win this whole thing
June 25th, 2008 at 5:11 pm
al wilson will whup patrick willis’ ass. al broke athony wrights leg in college. i sat in row 51 in neyland stadium in the national champ season and you could hear al yelling in the huddle and during plays over the roar of the crowd. remember the goal line hit against rickie williams when al jumped over the center and knocked williams backward. al was a golden gloves champ in high school and coulda been a pro boxer instead of playing in college. al should win it all.
June 25th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
@Mr Bigstuff - I have seen the both play.
Willis is a bit taller, a little heavier, and 7yrs younger. I would also say he is a bit quicker than Wilson. I have seen them both play and I think would pound Wilson’s ass right now. Maybe not back in the day but I think at this point he would.
Also isn’t Wilson out of the league?
June 25th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
Shockey’s a twat. He would skip all the real training and get by the early tournaments as a teenager on natural ability alone. But then, when his team had to travel to the Thomas Jefferson Gym in Harlem, he would get planted by a 6′3”, 13 year-old Puerto Rican kid named “Handsome” and end up quitting boxing, hanging out in his basement and taking gravity bong hits out of his mom’s wash sink.
Hence, he would never make it this far.
June 25th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
No Brian Moorman? Sheesh.
June 25th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
Julius Peppers is the most criminally slept on participant in this entire tournament, and its not even close.
Hope somebody who has actually boxed (and, i suppose, seen JPep play bball back in the day, or run down cornerbacks) will back me up on this.
June 25th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
@Maj: So that also means that Zibby will have had the same access to/usage of steroids as Merriman, yes? In this field, Merriman will get bounced by the second round.
June 25th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
@The Whole F’n Show Says - I boxed for 4 years before I turned 17 and discovered that white suburban zilches are not the best at harnessing their anger, and it’s a lot easier to go plow other high school chicks and smoke cigarettes.
So yes, some real experience here, and yes, I belive Peppers will mop the floor with everyone on this list.
June 25th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
Leonard Little is driving to DC right now to run over speak to you guys about his omission from the tournament.
June 25th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Peppers has the reach (he’s 6′6), the fast feet, the athleticism and terrifying power. If the NFL were a nothing league, this guy would’ve started boxing as a kid and won the heavyweight champship at 21.
June 25th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
And Michael Robinson wants to know how many motherfuckers does he have to knock about before he gets his shot? You realize that he knocked out two guys who were wearing helmets at the time? He shivers at the prospect of delivering blows to hapless bareheaded fools.
June 25th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
That’s “knock out,” not “knock about,” you stupid motherfucker.
June 25th, 2008 at 6:26 pm
Which of these fighters would be in the Mob’s pocket? Which would be manipulated by Don King? Who’s gonna retire and sell stuff on TV?
I’ll bet Shockey would be the fighter they find dead in a Vegas brothel.
June 25th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
I vote for Jason McIntyre
June 25th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
Sorry for the delayed response. Glad you got Sellars on there.
June 25th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
Prediction: Shockey has mysterious injury before first round while getting a tatoo and withdraws from competition. Merriman has a consult with Big Brown’s trainer before the next round and fucks up Umenyiora. But before his next fight, Merriman’s car gets stolen and torched, sending him into a roid rage. He beats the shit out of Ray Lewis outside of a club. Then does the same thing to Pacman Jones for shits and giggles.
June 25th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
where is Aaron Kampman, the man is a monster
June 25th, 2008 at 9:04 pm
1. ty Holliday and Gino
2. no, seriously, all kidding aside…this is a fantastic thought experiment and one that my friends and i debate constantly (with both NBAers and NFLers). Anybody who takes it seriously NEEDS TO VOTE FOR JULIUS PEPPERS (thank you gino for pointing out that homeboy is 6′6) because he was physically created by Yahweh to box.
In fact, for the duration of this tournament I will be insufferably pushing for you people to come to your senses and realize that despite being the ’six’ seed, Jpep would absolutely demolish this opposition, given the hypothetical of ‘they spent their entire lives training to box rather than tackle’.
June 25th, 2008 at 9:41 pm
Where is Marvin Harrison? He could beat the snot out his opponents if they were children, or at least have an associate shoot them.
June 25th, 2008 at 10:07 pm
We need an online bookie to set up odds so we can bet on this… I’d take Merriman with 5/3 odds. We all saw what roids can do for your recovery thanks to James “Lights Out” Toney… coincidence they have the same nickname… I think not.
June 25th, 2008 at 10:21 pm
Papa Joe v. Romo on the undercard. Fuck and yes. Winner gets to bang Jessica!
June 25th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
We need to schedule some undercards for the upcoming heavyweight bouts. Maybe the Gramatica brothers could have a fight or Deion Sanders and Andre Rison could replay their slap fight.
June 25th, 2008 at 10:29 pm
Eric Mangini vs. Mark Mangino
June 25th, 2008 at 11:40 pm
WTF about Brandon Jacobs? Homeboy would crush almost ANYONE on here.
Glad for the Shockey addition, he’ll be training in Miami for months, say he’s in the best shape of his life, and still show up with a tweaked ankle and sore asshole, pussy.
June 26th, 2008 at 12:16 am
@Maj
Your “Champ is Here” Tag is not lost on me…
Fuck ridin’ a beat nigga/I parallel park on the track
/Jada and P are two of the most criminally slept on dudes out there
June 26th, 2008 at 12:27 am
my only question is which clinton portis personality will be sellers’ promoter? or at least he could play the role of the robot from rocky IV.
June 26th, 2008 at 9:11 am
[...] KSK has a 16 man bracket set up to figure out the toughest guy in the NFL through fan voting. You’ll find the bracket here and the voting should start today. [Kissing Suzy Kolber] [...]
June 26th, 2008 at 10:51 am
i still think Terrell Owens should be on the list…
but Al Wilson will win by first round KO in every round of the tournament. I’ve actaully seen him train in the ring, he’s very impressive. someone has already mentioned it but he was gold gloves in his youth and still uses boxing training methods to keep his feet quick, and keep his feet work correct.
June 26th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
Adrian Wilson not only gets a 10 seed but has to go up against Patrick “everyone has seen my college highlight tapes of me fucking people up with an arm cast” Willis in the first round?! A travesty I say, us Cardinals can never catch a break, although that does make for one hell of a first round match-up
June 26th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
I was really hoping for Brady Quinn to be sneaked in at a low seed just to witness his hypothetical ass beating/stabbing by ray Lewis/Jerramy Stephens.
June 26th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
did i say al wilson… sorry… too much WWE in my day.
June 27th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
No Sean Taylor??? Too soon?
June 30th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
[...] martial arts prowess) is the 2nd seed and Gholston faces a tough first round match-up in the KSK bracket of pain, as they try to decide which NFL player has the tools to be World Heavyweight Boxing Champ. Yup, [...]
June 30th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
KIM HONG- two softest Jets?? you’ve gotta be kidding. Do me a favor bud and go check out Gholstons biceps and get back to me…and DBrick is a blackbelt in karate…My pic is a Vernon Gholston v. Ray Lewis Final (he’s an animal and a state champion wrestler in high school) with Ray Lewis taking the title
July 5th, 2008 at 4:38 am
you all are all retarded cuz mario williams will beat the piss out of anyone on that list gauranteed