Yesterday we introduced the idea of a tournament to decide who is the true heavyweight champion of the world, and today we have an official 16-man bracket. We started with a list of some 40-odd football players before eventually narrowing it down to the current field. And as you can see by the masterful artwork on the bracket we’ve spent countless hours on this project.
Starting tomorrow we’ll be posting a tale-of-the-tape for each of the eight first round matchups and you’ll have the opportunity to vote for your pick to move on, or for Shockey to go home in a bloody heap.
Feel free to bitch about the rankings in the comment section, or congratulate us on a complete lack of Patriots.
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you all are all retarded cuz mario williams will beat the piss out of anyone on that list gauranteed
KIM HONG- two softest Jets?? you’ve gotta be kidding. Do me a favor bud and go check out Gholstons biceps and get back to me…and DBrick is a blackbelt in karate…My pic is a Vernon Gholston v. Ray Lewis Final (he’s an animal and a state champion wrestler in high school) with Ray Lewis taking the title
No Sean Taylor??? Too soon?
did i say al wilson… sorry… too much WWE in my day.
I was really hoping for Brady Quinn to be sneaked in at a low seed just to witness his hypothetical ass beating/stabbing by ray Lewis/Jerramy Stephens.
Adrian Wilson not only gets a 10 seed but has to go up against Patrick “everyone has seen my college highlight tapes of me fucking people up with an arm cast” Willis in the first round?! A travesty I say, us Cardinals can never catch a break, although that does make for one hell of a first round match-up
i still think Terrell Owens should be on the list…
but Al Wilson will win by first round KO in every round of the tournament. I’ve actaully seen him train in the ring, he’s very impressive. someone has already mentioned it but he was gold gloves in his youth and still uses boxing training methods to keep his feet quick, and keep his feet work correct.
my only question is which clinton portis personality will be sellers’ promoter? or at least he could play the role of the robot from rocky IV.
@Maj
Your “Champ is Here” Tag is not lost on me…
Fuck ridin’ a beat nigga/I parallel park on the track
/Jada and P are two of the most criminally slept on dudes out there
WTF about Brandon Jacobs? Homeboy would crush almost ANYONE on here.
Glad for the Shockey addition, he’ll be training in Miami for months, say he’s in the best shape of his life, and still show up with a tweaked ankle and sore asshole, pussy.
Eric Mangini vs. Mark Mangino
We need to schedule some undercards for the upcoming heavyweight bouts. Maybe the Gramatica brothers could have a fight or Deion Sanders and Andre Rison could replay their slap fight.
Papa Joe v. Romo on the undercard. Fuck and yes. Winner gets to bang Jessica!
We need an online bookie to set up odds so we can bet on this… I’d take Merriman with 5/3 odds. We all saw what roids can do for your recovery thanks to James “Lights Out” Toney… coincidence they have the same nickname… I think not.
Where is Marvin Harrison? He could beat the snot out his opponents if they were children, or at least have an associate shoot them.
1. ty Holliday and Gino
2. no, seriously, all kidding aside…this is a fantastic thought experiment and one that my friends and i debate constantly (with both NBAers and NFLers). Anybody who takes it seriously NEEDS TO VOTE FOR JULIUS PEPPERS (thank you gino for pointing out that homeboy is 6’6) because he was physically created by Yahweh to box.
In fact, for the duration of this tournament I will be insufferably pushing for you people to come to your senses and realize that despite being the ‘six’ seed, Jpep would absolutely demolish this opposition, given the hypothetical of ‘they spent their entire lives training to box rather than tackle’.
where is Aaron Kampman, the man is a monster
Prediction: Shockey has mysterious injury before first round while getting a tatoo and withdraws from competition. Merriman has a consult with Big Brown’s trainer before the next round and fucks up Umenyiora. But before his next fight, Merriman’s car gets stolen and torched, sending him into a roid rage. He beats the shit out of Ray Lewis outside of a club. Then does the same thing to Pacman Jones for shits and giggles.
Sorry for the delayed response. Glad you got Sellars on there.
I vote for Jason McIntyre
Which of these fighters would be in the Mob’s pocket? Which would be manipulated by Don King? Who’s gonna retire and sell stuff on TV?
I’ll bet Shockey would be the fighter they find dead in a Vegas brothel.
That’s “knock out,” not “knock about,” you stupid motherfucker.
And Michael Robinson wants to know how many motherfuckers does he have to knock about before he gets his shot? You realize that he knocked out two guys who were wearing helmets at the time? He shivers at the prospect of delivering blows to hapless bareheaded fools.
Peppers has the reach (he’s 6’6), the fast feet, the athleticism and terrifying power. If the NFL were a nothing league, this guy would’ve started boxing as a kid and won the heavyweight champship at 21.
Leonard Little is driving to DC right now to run over speak to you guys about his omission from the tournament.
@The Whole F’n Show Says – I boxed for 4 years before I turned 17 and discovered that white suburban zilches are not the best at harnessing their anger, and it’s a lot easier to go plow other high school chicks and smoke cigarettes.
So yes, some real experience here, and yes, I belive Peppers will mop the floor with everyone on this list.
@Maj: So that also means that Zibby will have had the same access to/usage of steroids as Merriman, yes? In this field, Merriman will get bounced by the second round.
Julius Peppers is the most criminally slept on participant in this entire tournament, and its not even close.
Hope somebody who has actually boxed (and, i suppose, seen JPep play bball back in the day, or run down cornerbacks) will back me up on this.
No Brian Moorman? Sheesh.
Shockey’s a twat. He would skip all the real training and get by the early tournaments as a teenager on natural ability alone. But then, when his team had to travel to the Thomas Jefferson Gym in Harlem, he would get planted by a 6’3”, 13 year-old Puerto Rican kid named “Handsome” and end up quitting boxing, hanging out in his basement and taking gravity bong hits out of his mom’s wash sink.
Hence, he would never make it this far.
@Mr Bigstuff – I have seen the both play.
Willis is a bit taller, a little heavier, and 7yrs younger. I would also say he is a bit quicker than Wilson. I have seen them both play and I think would pound Wilson’s ass right now. Maybe not back in the day but I think at this point he would.
Also isn’t Wilson out of the league?
al wilson will whup patrick willis’ ass. al broke athony wrights leg in college. i sat in row 51 in neyland stadium in the national champ season and you could hear al yelling in the huddle and during plays over the roar of the crowd. remember the goal line hit against rickie williams when al jumped over the center and knocked williams backward. al was a golden gloves champ in high school and coulda been a pro boxer instead of playing in college. al should win it all.
Mike Sellers is a potential Sleeper pick at the 5 seed. He should easily destroy Urlacher and could win this whole thing
Anyone remember Houston Oilers FB Alonzo Highsmith? After football, he became a pretty good pro heavyweight. He beat the hell out of Mark Gastineau in the ring.
Bob Sanders doesn’t box because there is no ring that could contain the pain that Bob Sanders brings.
no leonard little?
You all can have whoever wins this thing, and I’ll take Ed Hoculi.
Between Rounds can Romo Fight Jessica’s Dad?
@ dick_gozinia – I’d rather have Urlacher’s baby’s mama fighting – she’s tougher – besides, he’d probably just text this in and no show.
Michael Vick is learning some mad skills in the big house. Just wait til he gets out!
“I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!”
/faints in the middle of the stage.
Can we add failed NFL players? I’d at least like a Bob Sapp vs. Brock Lesnar undercard during one of the bouts
What…no Bengals? They’ll come armed to the teeth for their battle! They’ve committed enough assault and battery and other mayhem that they deserve some representation.
Put ‘em in a body bag Maj! Oh and my money’s on Ray-Ray stabbing Osi in the shitter FTW.
Will Welkaaah be refereeing when the dahkies fight?
Field of 32 Maybe?
THOMAS FUCKING JONES is only FIVE FOOT FUCKING 10!
Was Jared Lorenzen left off because he was cut the other day?
why are there any offensive players listed? might as well give their opponent a bye.
Not only did you pick two fucking Jets, but you picked maybe the two softest Jets. Well done, men.
i’m sorry to be bitching but THOMAS FUCKING JONES
Lorenzo Neal reminds me of Puck from the X-Men
I also vote for a super heavyweight tournament, if for no other reason than I want to watch Shaun Rogers’ man tits flail around.
/pissing off bissinger because i talked about man tits.
As a Falcons fan, I’m upset at the omission of Keith Brooki…..
Fuck I’m racist.
Without Jared Allen and his fu man chu’d (it’s glorious) and drunken shenanigans, this tournament is dead to me.
Fuck you guys on the lack of patriots.
Vince Wilfork = King Hippo
He would get by at least two rounds before someone figured out his defense is impenetrable until he opens his mouth and his pants fall down.
without OLIN KREUTZ, this bracket is a sham.
So is Rivers going to be Neal’s ring girl?
No Casey Hampton on sheer size alone?
No Travis Henry? His profligate seed alone would wipe out the entire bracket by sheer numbers.
yeah, i botched the 5/12 seed deal.
and remember people, we are operating under the assumption that all of these men grew up boxing rather than playing football. Zbikowski is certainly the best boxing football player, but if he and Merriman both grew up with the same exposure to boxing that might be different. hence the point of the tournament.
@ Phony – No crap on the wanting Wilson back. Just to piss off the Maj… What no Cutler, he can bench a lot many times.
I was hoping for Barnett… but would get in on his drink hitting abilities alone. But I guess alleged offences don’t count for shit.
“Barnett allegedly hit drinks out of two women’s hands, then knocked one to the floor. He won’t have a criminal record, but may still face NFL discipline.”
But how do we determine which round Gholston will totally disappear in? Can we eliminate any players that haven’t actually played in the NFL yet?
And yes, pound for pound, there’s no one tougher than Bob Sanders. And MJD is just ridiculous.
Also, is Ray Lewis armed? And seriously? Jeremy “I’m going to whine my way out of New York because they won’t throw me the ball enough, even though I’m a tight end and should be happy with whatever I get and focusing on my lame ass blocking skills instead” Shockey?
Is that Peter Tom Willis? If so, I got him.
I’m just glad shockey got in so he can get knocked out
Mike Sellers FTW. The man is certifiable beast
@BTP – yeah, that was the joke. Bronco fan here wishing we still had him at his peak.
Al Wilson? Is dude even playing anymore? I think he broke his freakin’ neck. Cripples do not make good boxers.
i can’t wait to read the reasons why zibokowski wouldnt murder everyone in here. ONLY ON THE INTERNETS!
Jim you uptight ass…your right. the sum of the seeds must = 17. And the number shall be 17, and 17 is the number.
No Kevin Everett?
2Port,
Or Sepulveda. BOOOOOOOOOO (Whoops, I forgot I’m not a Jets/Eagles fan).
No Silverback James Harrison, Xmas Ape your lack of homerism dissapoints me.
shouldn’t a 4 play a 13 and a 5 a 12?
@ dick gozinia:
Awesome picture. Very underrated movie.