The NFL Is Untouchable
[Int. NFL Executive Offices]
Ed: I’d like to thank everyone for being here for today’s press conference, once again I apologize for the short notice. I’m glad to see some of the NFL’s fine fans could be here alongside various members of the sports media, because this involves them as much as anyone else.
Jet Fan: Booooooooo!
Ed: In the interest of time, I’ll get right to the point. I am here to offer up a mea culpa. I am not asking for forgiveness or understanding, I just need to clear my conscience, so here goes. Several years ago I conspired with known gamblers to fix a football game.
Press: [blank stares]
Ed: I know, I know, you must all be shocked and appalled at this groundbreaking revelation.
Fans: [blank stares]
Ed: You see, at the time I found myself caught up in the seedy world of underground body building, and I was in quite a bit of debt to some nefarious men in the steroid trade. I was told that in exchange for wiping the debt clean I would have to guarantee the outcome of the 2002 NFC/AFC Pro Bowl in advance. This is truly a shame that I will never live down, and I will fully understand if you all hate me.
Fans: [blank stares]
Press: [blank stares]
Ed: Of course this story goes far deeper than this. You see, if I didn’t pay my debt then these men would have gone public with my rampant steroid use, as well as my side business supplying anabolic steroids to players throughout the league. It was at this time that I approached then Commissioner Paul Tagliabue to inform him of the depth and gravity of the situation. At this point Mr. Tagliabue ordered me to fix however many games it took to prevent these men from revealing the league’s secrets.
Fans: [blank stares]
Press: [blank stares]
Ed: Don’t you people have any questions or comments?
Peter King: If you were a latte, what kind of flavor shot would you be infused with?
Ed: I was referring to questions regarding the conspiracy to fix football games and/or the league’s sordid history of steroid abuse.
Fan: Which running back is getting the best steroids? I have a fantasy draft in a couple of months and I want to make sure my first round pick is primed for a big season.
Ed: I think you guys are missing the point. I’m telling you that the National Football League is complicit in crimes ranging from drug use to conspiracy to committing fraud. You must have some questions regarding the steroid distribution ring and the game fixing.
Chris Mortenson: Don’t you think that Tim Donaghy guy is a dick?
Ed: I am guilty of the same infraction of Mr. Donaghy.
Mort: [blank stare]
Fan: Can you autograph my bicep?
Ed: So you guys don’t even care about this stuff, do you?
Fan: Do the first down point!
Ed: Hmmm. OK, well I might as well take this opportunity to admit that I once financed a dog fight on my property.
Everyone:
June 11th, 2008 at 11:34 am
In my mind, Hochuli gave this speech wearing a sleeveless suit and tie.
June 11th, 2008 at 11:37 am
It could come out tomorrow that the Manning brothers have been eating heaping bowls of Cheerioids and abusing anally-administered horse amphetamines since grade school and after the six-game suspension the only controversy would be “did Eli and Peyton return in time to save their seasons and possibly meet in the Super Manning Bowl?”
But if another scrub relief pitcher tests positive for ringworm medication Congress will poop itself.
June 11th, 2008 at 11:39 am
Is he ever going to answer that question about the RB who’s getting the best ‘roids? Cause, um…it’s really important to us…
Oh yeah…BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
June 11th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Things more stupid to bet on then the Pro Bowl….
[crickets]
June 11th, 2008 at 11:44 am
* than. Stupid breilla kayboerd.
June 11th, 2008 at 11:48 am
In my mind, Hochuli gave this speech wearing a sleeveless suit and tie.
When I picture Ed Hochuli, he usually has just slipped out of his loincloth made from the pelt of a mountain lion and into a hot tub filled with rose petals.
June 11th, 2008 at 11:51 am
@naptown drew
Was he also slathered in gleaming oil?
June 11th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
Was he also grabbing the bull by the horns… literally?
June 11th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
RABLE RABLE RABLE RABLE
June 11th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
All pro athletes should be able to use any steroid they want until they all look like the Hulk (or, I guess, Lou Ferrigno). I’d actually watch sports then.
This “No, no, I don’t take ‘roids, my neck doubled in size over 6 months because of exercise and a strength-training diet. Yeah, that’s it, diet and exercise” bullshit is not even funny anymore. Well, OK, it’s still a little funny.
June 11th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
DAMN! My Work PC blocked the final image someone help me out here?
Also quick toss up: Mr Ed with a yellow flag VS Ray Lewis with a bowie knife?
June 11th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Ed! Do the Holding Call!
June 11th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
Wow. In one day, I’ve gone from “bitter” to “justifiably enraged”
/stillcriesthinkingabout2002WCFbullshittery
June 11th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
I have a huge crush on Ed Hochuli and will actually watch a game I don’t care about if he’s the referee. Sigh.
June 11th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
At these prices, I want the best players modern science can provide!
June 11th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
You’re slipping UM…
Thanks for keeping me in check.
June 11th, 2008 at 10:03 pm
I don’t care if he owed the mafia a million dollars, and they had kidnapped his wife and kids (and cut off one of their fingers, to show how serious they were), I’d still rather Ed Hochuli had reffed Super Bowl XL than Bill Leavy.
June 11th, 2008 at 10:57 pm
Are you sure it wasn’t the January 19, 2002 AFC Divisional Playoff game, Ed?
Because from here, that one looked rigged.
June 12th, 2008 at 11:32 pm
Funny until the Southpark video. I wish I could write dialog like you.