The New Cowboys Stadium Should Not Double As A Strip Club
Wade: Well, this has been some week. Lots of things going on. Let me just recap my current situation to myself before anyone has a chance to inter…
(door flies open)
Jerry: YEEEEEEHAW!!!! GREAT GRAND-SPANKIN’ PUSSYSAURUS, HERE COMES THE DOUBLE-J!!!
Wade: Well, that happened faster than usual.
Jerry: No time for talkin’, Fatty! I need your fat ass UP! Outta that chair, Barefoot Contessa! Move it! Move your big fat piggy ass! Make room!
Wade: I’ve already moved offices eight time. You already put me down here in the visitor’s showers.
Jerry: And it’s a good thing I did, seein’ as how your fat ass could use a good hosin’ down every few minutes or so! The groomer’s almost doing an acceptable job with you! NOW MOVE, SLOTH-BOY!
Wade: What the heck is goin’ on here?
(door flies open)
Thom Felicia: Oh my god. This looks like the kind of bathroom where Russian mafia members have naked knife fights! I’m a little scared, and a little tingly.
Wade: Who’s he?
Jerry: Thom here is damn near the gayest interior designer in the whole U.S. of A. Which is sayin’ a lot, ‘cause Lord know interior designers love themselves some wallpapered cock! Thom, what do you think we can do with this area?
Thom Felicia: Well, I don’t want to do anything radical, Mr, Jones. I want it to really reflect your personality. I just want to make it better.
Jerry: So how can you make it reflect me more, FAG BOY?!
Thom Felicia: Well, we’ll have to make it bigger. And shinier. And add lots of mirrors. I’m also thinking of a sort of wall-to-wall gun rack aesthetic.
Jerry: HOT DAMN, THAT SOUNDS CLASSY! MAKE IT HAPPEN! AND DON’T SUCK ANY COCK ON COMPANY DIME!
Wade: Why are we redesigning everything? What the heck is going on?
(door flies open)
Pacman: Yo yo. U put dat fat bitch in da showa, Pacman gon make it rain fo real. Pacman down wid it.
Jerry: I LOVE YOUR ATTITUDE, ADAM! You see, Tubby, my boy ADAM here is a goddamn STAR! Which means we’re gonna have to make some adjustments to make sure he’s comfortable here in Big D.
Pacman: Pacman say lights too bright up in dis bitch. I gon darken dat shit right up.
(takes out gun, shoots out lights)
Jerry: Good thinking, Adam!
Wade: What are you doing?
Jerry: Stop being such a puss, my big chocolate éclair. Adam here suffers from a highly debilitating mental illness called Mons Venopsychosis. It’s a rare condition where the brain is actually tricked into believing that it is ALWAYS in a titty bar. Isn’t that somethin’, Fatcakes?!
Wade: That’s not a real illness.
Jerry: Then why did my boy ADAM show me this doctor’s note?
Wade: “Yo yo. Pacman doctor say he need tits and shit.” This is a forgery!
Jerry: Well, that is just sad, Tubelina. I go out of my GODDAMN way to support this poor, mentally crippled man, and you have the gall to doubt him! Now, Adam. Is it true that you suffer from this horrible affliction?
Pacman: Dat shit b real. Pacman say he gon cuckoo for dem Cocoa Puff tittays. He gon need long time fo dat rebiliteration. He gon need big dose a azz. Pacman gon drain dat azz.
Jerry: You see?! He’s sick! That’s why we have to make this place MENTALLY CRIPPLE ACCESSIBLE, FATASS! That means making the place look more like a strip club, so that our boy ADAM can feel more at home! Jenna?
Jenna: Yes, Mr. Jones?
Jerry: HOO WEE, YOU GOT SOME BODACIOUS TIXAS TA-TAS! Don’t you change a damn thing, sweetheart. You just keep doin’ what you’re doin’!
Pacman: Ooh! Pacman gobble up dem dots!
Wade: I thought you said you were going to make the place look more LIKE a strip club, not actually make it a strip club.
Jerry: Now how the fuck can I make this place look like a proper titty bar without some REAL TITS TO GO AROUND?! Thom! Get your faggity ass over here!
Thom Felicia: Sir?
Jerry: WE NEED MORE TITS LIKE THESE ‘ROUND THESE PARTS! And I want everyone wearing skimpy cocktail dresses with slits that go up to the armpits! What else can we do to make this place nice for you, Adam?
Pacman: Kill dem lights. Pussy ain’t go no face.
Jerry: Well put!
Pacman: Pacman gon need his own back room to do his bidness. He gon squeeze dem tits till dey pop.
Jerry: You getting all this, Felicia?! What else, Adam?
Pacman: Gon need some guns. Pacman like 2 fish in dat azz.
Jerry: I don’t know what that means, BUT I LOVE IT!
Pacman: Ain’t no music up in dis bitch. We gon git some Young Jeezy up in dis bidness. AND WE GON GIT SOME DRANK! O WE GON GIT DAT DRANK. Pacman say ain’t no drank drank we ain’t got no NyQuil. Pacman gon make dem bitches spit da bit. He gon make a fist party wit dem bitches. Muthaphuckkas ain’t no playas if they ain’t takin no sip a dis pussy juice. Pacman gon grab dem quarters and rain dat hail down. He gon spit on dat asshole and wait to put dat Slinky in dat shit. Pacman like it when there blood on the flo. He gon stick dat azz till it rip. PACMAN GON FUCK LIKE A JOHN DEERE DIS FRIDAY. BELIEVE DAT. HE GON TRACTA THAT AZZ.
Thom Felicia: Okay, I didn’t understand any of that.
Jerry: Well, make it your job to understand, gay boy! We need this place looking like a five-star Tixas poon parlor by next week! And do a rush job on the bar. Switzer’s doin’ the bartindin’!
Wade: Sir, this is a huge mistake. We can’t afford this kind of distraction. How are we going to keep players focused in this kind of environment?
(door flies open)
Garrett: Indeed. And how will we keep this fellow focused on football, instead of on the brie en croute hidden in his shorts?
Wade: Ugh. You always gotta show up.
Jerry: Shut up, Fart Garfunkel. Git your shit outta this shower, so we can make more room for the DJ! And the lasers! DJ’s AND LASERS MAKE TITS SING!
Pacman: Pacman gon mak dat azz sloppy.
Wade: Jesus.
Jerry: Let’s make this place into a world class PUSSY RODEO, BOYS! YEEEEEHAWWWWW!!! WOOOO HOOOOOOO I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!
 |
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, fat people, neon lights, Strippers, Tank Johnson will be bouncer, tits, wade and jerry
June 12th, 2008 at 11:05 am
Whenever I need a laugh…Jerry Jones delivers.
And “tracta dat azz”?? Great. More new slang for me to learn!
June 12th, 2008 at 11:06 am
another instant classic. However, I would have called Wade “Barefoot Guntessa”, not Contessa.
June 12th, 2008 at 11:08 am
“Kill dem lights. Pussy ain’t go no face.”
Excuse me while I collect my jaw from the floor.
Most stippers are dead inside anyway.
June 12th, 2008 at 11:13 am
He gon make a fist party wit dem bitches.
I’m pretty sure I do not want to be on the business end of a fist party. Well done Drew.
June 12th, 2008 at 11:14 am
not enough garrett…or evil garrett brother for that matter. but still hilarious
June 12th, 2008 at 11:14 am
“Kill dem lights. Pussy ain’t go no face.”
How did he know my family’s motto?
June 12th, 2008 at 11:19 am
“Girl…you give me Pac Man fever!”
June 12th, 2008 at 11:19 am
Wow. I actually had to check to see if the Chargers played the Cowboys so we could get the Marmalard/Wade and Jerry crossover special.
However, we will get the Marmalard/Hines Wald Crossover Special this season!
June 12th, 2008 at 11:23 am
Dan Synder thinks this is a great idea. He is turning part of Redskins’ Park into a 6-Flags type amusement park. But just like the real 6 Flags, nobody showed up.
So Synder just bought all the local media so they would write stories about how great his idea worked…
June 12th, 2008 at 11:24 am
Pacman: Gon need some guns. Pacman like 2 fish in dat azz.
Jerry: I don’t know what that means, BUT I LOVE IT!
Only time in my life I’ve ever agreed with Jerry Jones….
June 12th, 2008 at 11:24 am
The EEOC has approved the redesigned of the locker room to make it ADA compliant and meet Adam’s disability needs.
/poon parlor - reservations not required, but recommended
// wall-to-wall gun rack aesthetic - Home and Garden approved
June 12th, 2008 at 11:25 am
Is Mons Venopsychosis a transmittable disease? I seem to have a mild case of it.
June 12th, 2008 at 11:25 am
“Pacman: Kill dem lights. Pussy ain’t go no face.”
/slow golf clap
You sir are a giant among men.
June 12th, 2008 at 11:29 am
“Yo yo. Pacman doctor say he need tits and shit.”
Is that from Dr. Leo Spaceman or one of his fellow classmates at the Ho Chi Minh City School of Medicine?
June 12th, 2008 at 11:33 am
I can only hope that the appearance of Thom Felicia was meant as warm embrace of our new commenter friend Thom.
June 12th, 2008 at 11:33 am
probably one of the guys from Hollywood Upstairs Medical College
June 12th, 2008 at 11:42 am
Cowboys assistant linebackers coach Dat Nguyen can bring his karaoke machine
June 12th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Who is that hot stripper?
June 12th, 2008 at 11:47 am
@Grimey +2
June 12th, 2008 at 11:47 am
The inclusion of Pacman has made the Wade Jerry posts a hundred times funnier, they were funny before but now. Guaranteed Hilarity
June 12th, 2008 at 11:48 am
@ Foozer - Pussy ain’t go no name neither.
June 12th, 2008 at 11:49 am
probably one of the guys from Hollywood Upstairs Medical College
Nah, he would have diagnosed Wade as suffering from acute assal horizontology.
June 12th, 2008 at 11:56 am
@ Grimey - Dat Nguyen can bring his karaoke machine and sing a duet with Hines Ward.
June 12th, 2008 at 11:57 am
Is there a “Pac-Man sno-cone” involved?
June 12th, 2008 at 11:57 am
This really is the feel good saga of 2008.
Tear down titbars in Arlington to build one BIG titbar at the taxpayer’s expense. Pure genius.
June 12th, 2008 at 11:59 am
“fart garfunkel” is definitely one of my fave nick’s for wade so far
June 12th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
how much purple drank must be consumed before the pacman dialect starts flowing in your head? fucking brilliant.
June 12th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
I have BDD may have split-personality disorder, and one of his personalities is, in fact, a young black dude. No other way to explain his intricate knowledge of Pacman-speak. I didn’t understand half of what Pacman said.
Gon need some guns. Pacman like 2 fish in dat azz. Huh?
June 12th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Pacman: Gon need some guns. Pacman like 2 fish in dat azz.
Jerry: I don’t know what that means, BUT I LOVE IT!
Pacman is the Marques Slocum of the NFL. And now I will never be able to eat brie without thinking of Wade Phillips and Jason Garrett. Thanks a lot, fuckface.
June 12th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
“a highly debilitating mental illness called Mons Venopsychosis. It’s a rare condition where the brain is actually tricked into believing that it is ALWAYS in a titty bar.”
I know I suffer from it, but why do I have to be tricked into always thinking I’m in a titty bar? You don’t need to fool me, I’ll go along with it.
/googling ‘mak dat azz sloppy’
June 12th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
Pacman: Gon need some guns. Pacman like 2 fish in dat azz.
Just added to the list of things I will never say to Pacman Jones: “Do you have any fours?”
June 12th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Pacman is my hero.
June 12th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
better. every. time.
Michael Irving should have made an appearence though
June 12th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
What, no stricnine in the guacomole? Watching Wade slowly become the Milton Waddams of the Cowboys is comic genius.
Just glad I haven’t seen anything resembling an o face yet… or Jennifer Anniston. She sucks
June 12th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
I have a problem with anyone who spells their name “Thom”.
June 12th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
So how long do I have to wait before Roy Williams makes an appearance?
Stop persecuting me! This is worse than what Jesus suffered!
June 12th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Drew, the pacman dialogue has brought back horrible memories of 11th grade english reading Hurston’s “Their Eyes Were Watching God”. If you complained it was hard to understand, you were deemed a racist bastard by my teacher. Good times.
June 12th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
It actually surprises me that I’ve not yet heard of an NFL-themed “titty” bar. Maybe it could be called “Illegal Motion”?
June 12th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Drew, get your ass back in this house mister! GET IN HERE THIS INSTANT! {grabs ear}
What have I told you about hanging out in southeast DC? {takes off belt}
If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times, no good can come from you visting Jerome and his no good friends. {shakes him violently}
Next time you go down there without my knowledge, it’s the closet in the basement for you mister! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!?!?! {couple of lashes for good measure}
Now get out of my sight.
June 12th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Oh and Pac just takes the hilarity to limitless bounds.
June 12th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Young Jeezy: When you absolutely, positively, need unapologetic, thug glorifying, gangsta rap.
June 12th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
{takes off belt}
I believe you’re thinking of NW, what with Gay Pride weekend starting tomorrow and all. I’m a little surprised there haven’t been any Gay Mafia events announced yet.
June 12th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
@smurphette
That’s why we got Pacman today. Pacman is the Gay Mafia’s beard.
June 12th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
odds on the new texas stadium being gayer than the liberace museum - 5:2
odds on “pussy ain’t got no face” being the next KSK t-shirt/slogan - even
June 12th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
I’m thinking to myself how can Wade be a chocolate eclair…is there something we don’t know about him? He looks awfully vanilla to me…
June 12th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
“Yo yo, Pacman doctor said he need tits n shit”
Drew, you’ve outdone yourself.
June 12th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
“Ooh! Pacman gobble up dem dots!”
That is why you have a book deal and I have no future.
June 12th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
The day when Wade, in real life, gets fired from the Cowboys is going to be one of the darkest days of my life.
June 12th, 2008 at 10:56 pm
The Pussy Rodeo is WAY better than the Grammar Rodeo.
June 13th, 2008 at 3:31 am
On an interstate somewhere nearby a coked up Michael Irvin was running red lights to get there for half-price lap hour.
You know those two are gonna make more money on the Irvin/Pacman strip-club tour than they ever did on football.
June 13th, 2008 at 6:40 am
Is this the first time in KSK history, besides the “Garrent dying” chapter, that Garrett has agreed with Wade?
/Brain explodes
June 13th, 2008 at 8:03 am
Do NOT google “2 fish in that ass”. really.
June 13th, 2008 at 10:13 am
Eastern Promises is thrilled to have be featured in a Wade and Jerry skit.
June 13th, 2008 at 10:56 am
Man these Jerry and Wade adventures crack me up everytime. Well done KSK.
Between the Pussy aint got no face, and Pacman: Ooh! Pacman gobble up dem dots!.
I think I about pissed myself. Thanks for the laugh!
June 13th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
Dude; dude; once a philosopher, twice a pervert…I mean dude; dude; yes; dude.
June 30th, 2008 at 10:22 am
[...] What’s worrisome however, is the difference in play between “Good Weather Trent” and “Bad Weather Trent”. Edward’s performance was noticeably different when the weather was calm and warm, compared to when it was cold or windy. Granted any QB will play better in nice weather, but Trent’s drop was unusually severe. The best example was the Giants game where Trent masterfully built a 14-0 lead before a biblical monsoon washed the Giants to victory. Trent was downright awful in the rain and the wind, throwing bad passes and picks like Pacman throwing dollars at a strip club. [...]