The KSK Minority Report Card
I’m sure that you’ve seen many of these so-called “Institutes” for WhateverTheFuck issuing report cards to NFL, Fortune 500 companies and whomever else they feel like bothering. Supposedly, these things are based on those firms’ minority hiring practices. This whole process always seemed a little bogus to me, especially since “minorities” don’t seem to include people of Indian, East Asian, or Latin descent. And before I drive a burning cross in the carpet next to your desk, let me just add that there doesn’t seem to be enough information floating around that would make these asessments accurate.
But what if we were to grade minorities themselves? Holy shit, there’s a treasure trove of data floating around to do that! Sure, some of it is just rumor and speculation, but who gives a fuck? That never stopped these so-called Institutes from pushing shit on everyone else. In fact, I’m starting my own institute right now, the The Jam It Up Your Ass, or the JIUYA Institute for short, as it says on all of our pending shipment of stationary.
And what is our Institute going to grade? Blackness. Out and out blackness. Yes, we know that R. Kelly is blacker than, say, Tony Dungy, but by how much? Can we create a subjective measure of how well a brutha gets down? We won’t know until we try. And so The Jam It Up Your Ass Institute presents, in conjunction with this fine website, the inaugural Kissing Suzy Kolber Minority Report Card. Enjoy.
1. R. KELLY. Recording Artist/Alleged Child Pornography Connoisseur.
PENMANSHIP - Routinely fails to spell out entire first name. A
PHYS. ED. - Doesn’t actually play in the NFL. F
ENGLISH - No ‘z’s used for plural nouns. Song lyrics include well-rounded concepts. F
SEX ED. - Eighteen or older, Robert. Eighteen or older. INCOMPLETE
GPA - D
TEACHER’S NOTES - “I believe you can try … harder.”
2. Tony Dungy. Head Coach, Indianapolis Colts.
THEOLOGY - Openly shows disdain for gays, citing the Bible. Yeah, buttfucking might be a sin, but so is eating bacon. F
DRAMA - Never yells. Except about gays. D
SOCIAL STUDIES - Shown up by his own quarterback when said QB waved Coach’s punt team off the field. Could not come up with two-thirds majority to override the veto. D
WORLD HISTORY - Kinda looks Mexican. F
GPA - D-minus
TEACHER’S NOTES - “About as black as the three of hearts.”
3. TRAVIS JOHNSON. Defensive Lineman, Houston Texans.
(aka The Guy That Ruined Trent Green’s Shit Last Season)
DANCE - Celebrated after Green concussed himself on Johnson’s knee on a busted play in the midst of the Dolphins’ nearly-winless season. A
SPEECH - “He’s like the scarecrow. He wants to get courage while I wasn’t looking, and hit me in my knee instead of trying to hit me in my head. God don’t like ugly, you know what I mean? ” A
ACCOUNTING - Was (rightfully) not fined for the incident. A
GEOGRAPHY - Plays for the Texans. In Texas. A
GPA - A
TEACHER’S NOTES - “Negro Cum Laude.”
4. BRYANT GUMBEL. Host, HBO’s RealSports with Bryant Gumbel.
MATH - Has trouble understanding 4-down/10-yard concept. D
CHORUS - Sings the alto parts for O Danny Boy. F
MOCK TRIAL - Routinely winds up as the one being mocked. F
ECONOMICS - Having his magazine show encroached upon by noted Caucasian Bob Costas satisfies “slighted by the white man” prerequisite. A
GPA - C-minus
TEACHER’S NOTES - “Maybe Black does crack.”
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Tags: Minority Report Cards, MMP, sometimes I wish I was black, this is not one of those times
June 26th, 2008 at 8:19 am
Post grade - A++
June 26th, 2008 at 8:31 am
From Amazon.com:
You Can Do It! by Tony Dungy
Product Description:
Tony Dungy’s little brother, Linden, is a third grader who is having a bad day at school. Linden is the youngest of the Dungy family and the least motivated because he hasn’t found “it.” In a family where everyone seems to have found their special talent, all Linden knows is that he wants to make people happy.
With encouragement from his parents, a helping hand from his older brother Tony, and inspiration from God, Linden learns that if he dreams big and has faith, he can do anything!
I don’t care what we’re grading - Tony Dungy deserves an F and a swift kick in the nuts.
June 26th, 2008 at 8:34 am
This author is racist! Who are you to determine blackness! You are white and Southern! This stinks of Leitchian prejudice! I’m boycotting Kiss Me Susie Colder!
June 26th, 2008 at 9:07 am
pacman jones was set to graduate with the highest grade known to man, but it was unceremoniously stripped because of that whole, err, “adam” incident.
June 26th, 2008 at 9:11 am
When did Don Imus start ghostwriting for Punte(r)?
June 26th, 2008 at 9:13 am
Hines Ward’s report card: All courses incomplete.
June 26th, 2008 at 9:14 am
No mention of Unsilent Majority on this list?
June 26th, 2008 at 9:16 am
Jeez, Punte that’s just - No, wait, actually this is right on!
June 26th, 2008 at 9:21 am
I’m waiting for the day Bryant Gumbel flips out on the set of his own show while trying to make it through a segment on Pacman “Adam” Jones, then announces he’s joining the Nation of Islam.
June 26th, 2008 at 9:23 am
@ slothrop
That should say “Hines Wald: Arr coulses incomprete”
June 26th, 2008 at 9:27 am
It would appear that Bryant Gumbel seems to have almost gotten the C but may have come up just a bit short of the C as he appears to have maybe just progressed as far as a C minus.
June 26th, 2008 at 9:35 am
@ Westbrook Is My Anti-Drug: The professor/teacher has a speech impediment? Or is this one of those new-wave hippy schools where the students evaluate themselves?
June 26th, 2008 at 9:59 am
Fucking AWESOME
June 26th, 2008 at 10:04 am
Fucking Boston is so racist.
June 26th, 2008 at 10:24 am
Punte, you have just used your get out of racism free card from voting for Obama in the primary.
June 26th, 2008 at 10:32 am
Dhani Jones is determined to screw up your grading matrix.
June 26th, 2008 at 10:36 am
“Negrodamus, why do white people love Wayne Brady so much?’”
“White people love Wayne Brady because he makes Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X.”
/obligatory
June 26th, 2008 at 10:38 am
Manny Ramirez
geography- plays in boston, and is loved. F
mental stability- “it’s just manny being manny” A
roots- NY native though he looks like a half white jamaican C
clothing- never seen without a Friggin doo-rag A
Marshawn Lynch
gorgraphy- somehow is black and broke the law in buffalo involving a white woman and didnt actually go to jail. a 1st in buffalo history. F
hygeine- has gold caps that say BEAST MODE on them A
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2234/2232160985_647627e90a.jpg
style- that of ricky williams (circa 2002) B
street cred- plays a position that follows community leaders Travis Henry and Willis Mcgahee but has yet to impregnate a buffalo teenage girl nor trash the city for being a city F
teacher says “i knew thurman thomas and you sir, you cant drink like thurman thomas”
June 26th, 2008 at 10:39 am
Wait, Trapped in a Closet was a well rounded concept?
June 26th, 2008 at 10:43 am
I’m sorry, I was too busy eating fried chicken and watermelon, drinking forty ounces of malt liquor, braiding my afro, staring at a woman’s rotund buttocks, giving an elaborate handshake to a fellow chum, clutching my member, being unemployed, attaching a gold tooth over one of my pre-existing teeth, using a derogatory.racial slur in an endearing fashion amongst my closest friends, enjoying the latest rap melody at an immensely high volume, causing anxiety within caucasians, not being aware of whom my father could be, “muthafukka” being the most uttered word in my lexicon, as well as committing a felony, to listen to what you had to say.
What was the point of this post again?
June 26th, 2008 at 10:44 am
*Cringes*
June 26th, 2008 at 10:54 am
@J.L. White: I hope you’re being sarcastic. Then again, you could be talking about this guy.
/Richard Pryor does not approve
June 26th, 2008 at 10:57 am
I wish Travis Johnson were a guest lecturer for my college film history class.
June 26th, 2008 at 10:57 am
*was*… I suck at grammar today.
June 26th, 2008 at 11:02 am
Marshawn Lynch should be on here. The man loves Applebees. The decor…the ambience. APPLEBEES!!!
June 26th, 2008 at 11:04 am
@J.L. White: I hope you were being sarcastic. But maybe you were talking about this guy.
/Richard Pryor does not approve
June 26th, 2008 at 11:11 am
Shouldn’t religiousity and hatred for gays improve your blackness GPA? Or am I confusing my stereotypes for white rednecks with my black stereotypes? If only there were a chart.
June 26th, 2008 at 11:21 am
Michael Jackson is a JIUYA drop out.
June 26th, 2008 at 11:30 am
awesome. travis johnson fucking owns.
June 26th, 2008 at 11:35 am
No mention of Unsilent Majority on this list?
Agreed. I too want to know how black Unsilent Majority is.
June 26th, 2008 at 11:39 am
You fuckers need to give the gimmick time to percolate.
June 26th, 2008 at 11:44 am
Who the fuck is Paul Wall?
June 26th, 2008 at 11:55 am
Irony: JIUYA is pronounced Jew
June 26th, 2008 at 11:55 am
Percolate muthafucka? What the fuck? Why you bring in the muthafuakin big wordz and shit? You should say sink in muthafucka.
/No one says muthafucka like Samuel.
June 26th, 2008 at 11:58 am
Since education is a white man’s trick, shouldn’t Gumbel’s poor math/maff skills rate him higher than a D? I mean the SAT is socially biased against minorities, right? But overall, having a degree from a place of higher learning would only lower it again.
Reedin and ritin be fo punk azz bitches
June 26th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
As always Punter, a work of pure genius by my homeboy
June 26th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
Random note on R. Kelly songs being well-rounded concepts. My friends and I on occasion go out and play “R. Kelly”, and no it doesn’t mean only hooking up with 14 year olds.
When talking to the ladies, you can only use lyrics from R. Kelly songs.
Believe it or not, this works surprisingly well for conversation, so long as you don’t limit yourself to lines from “You Remind Me”
R. Kelly - good for picking up females - A
June 26th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
@Rocco: Heeeerrrrrrrrrrre you go. From Wikipedia no less…so it must be true.
Paul Wall.
June 26th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Why? What was the point of this? Are you trying to get the internets Al Sharpton on your ass. This shit is offensive!
June 26th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
This shit is offensive!
/pumps fist
June 26th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
@slothrop
It’s a law. Everything involving Hines Wald in here has to look/sound like that.
June 26th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Well, now we know.
June 26th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
punte- the fist pump made this all worth while.
Vince Young
position- he plays quarterback and doesnt run all over the place F
team- plays Qb for the houston oilers… err… tennessee titans. (ala warren moon, and steve mcnair) A
edumacation- He went to Texas and has never been arrested F
you get an F just for going to texas, no matter what color your skin is.
Hobbies- doesnt kill dogs F
intrests- thought about retiring after one year, showing very little love for the game. Obviously only plays for the money and the groupies A
teacher says “Needs a few Babies mamas and he’ll be fine wit it”
overall grade C
June 26th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
“negro cum laude” sounds like a porn flick
June 26th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
@WTF?!?
It’s supposed to be fucking offensive, you jackass. Be a good boy and eat a bowl of dicks and stay the fuck off this site, cocksnot!
June 26th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
No Obama?
June 26th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Lawrence Taylor
position - LB, so he wouldn’t have to learn any plays other than, Kill Whitey! - A
literacy - shortened name to two initials, bought giant earring to remind him how to spell LT - A
college - North Carolina, school in the south where dating white women could get you killed - B (would have been an A if he attended a SWAC school)
favorite team - Redskins, a team named after people of color oppressed by the white man, with players of color oppressed by a white man, to become a player of color on a team oppressed by a white man - B (team colors not black)
family - divorced, many girlfriends, poor role model to his kids - A
interests - crack, cocaine, alcohol, hookers - A
employment - hasn’t held a steady job since 1993 - A+++
acheivement - almost killed a white man in front of thousands of people, on national tv with millions watching, and was not questioned by police afterward - A
teacher says “If he walks into the same restaurant/club/your house, you leave, but your wife and daughters can stay.”
overall grade - Ghetto
June 26th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
I would appreciate an Obama one. I know that I’m supposed to be scared of him for numerous reasons, but there seem to be conflicting messages. First he wasn’t black enough. Then he was too black. Then he’s an elitist. Then he’s a thug for flipping people off. Then he talks white. Then thinks the government gave black people AIDs. Then he’s a member of the KKK. Then he’s a member of the Nation. I’m just so confused. Help Punte!
June 26th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
Travis Johnson: *Blackness confirmed* You got soul.
June 26th, 2008 at 5:35 pm
what race is man bear pig?
June 26th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
Wow, this is fucking awful. I won’t even give it the credit of being offensive, it’s really just bland, lazy and puerile.
June 26th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
Wow, this is fucking awful. I won’t even give it the credit of being offensive, it’s really just bland, lazy and puerile.
You actually sound pretty offended….
/pumps fist
//looks up “puerile”
///pumps fist again
June 26th, 2008 at 9:23 pm
it’s not that @john morgan lacks a sense of humor, exactly; it’s just that he’s not often in the mood to be amused.
if he’s not here for the puerility, then he’s in the wrong fuckin place - namely, the fuckin internet.
June 26th, 2008 at 11:58 pm
You actually sound pretty offended….
/pumps fist
Punter, I thought the goal was to be funny, not offensive (not that the two are mutually exclusive).
June 27th, 2008 at 12:19 am
Wow, this is fucking terrible.
June 27th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Punter, I thought the goal was to be funny, not offensive
Don’t remember hiring a life coach…
June 27th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
That was good, who is next?
June 28th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Kill all NIGGERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All NIGGERS die bloody!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!