Competitor: Shawne Merriman
Nickname: “Lights Out”
Height: 6’4″
Weight: 272 (est. ring weight: 260)
Reach: Lengthy
Sponsor: MET-Rx
Hometown: Upper Marlboro, MD. The DC area has produced such fighters as Sugar Ray Leonard, Winky Wright, and most recently, the Patterson brothers (Anthony fights tomorrow night on Versus).
Fighting Pedigree: Last night his uncle Henry “Sugar Poo” Buchanan knocked some chump through the ropes with an uppercut at the Playboy Mansion on ESPN. Merriman could be seen in the ring during the post-fight celebration, which was pretty stupid. That house is filled with bitches needin’ some dick. He also trains in a boxing gym in the offseason to keep himself in shape.
Strength: Knocking people unconscious.
Weakness: The boxing world, while flawed, is much less forgiving when it comes to steroid use. Although I’m pretty sure he doesn’t actually need them. He was probably just trying to shrink his balls. Trust me, lugging around giant balls is like having an albatross hanging from your neck. Only they’re your balls.
Predilection towards violence: Rape?
Fighting Style: The classic action fighter, Merriman will come at his opponent with plenty of power and zero restraint. He will smother weaker opponents (see below), but he’s fully capable of fighting at a distance. He possesses a dominating jab and a devastating overhand right.
Competitor: Jeremy Shockey
Nickname: Shock Man!
Height: 6’5″
Weight:251 (est. ring weight: 248)
Reach:Tara Reid.
Sponsor: Affliction.
Hometown: Ada, Oklahoma. It was once the home of Shockey’s best friend Mark Gastineau, formerly of the New York Sack Exchange. Gastineau also pursued a “career” in boxing, and a similarly successful career in wife beating.
Pedigree: Afghan.
Strength: Taking shots to the head.
Weakness: It’s almost like he wants people to hit him.
Predilection towards violence: Lets his boys take care of approaching assholes.
Fighting Style: The first time he gets hit he’ll swarm the opponent with looping cuffed punches that glance away harmlessly. The second time he gets hit he’ll go down for 1-2 weeks. Shockey’s best punch is the accidental head butt which he often pairs with a wild elbow.
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I am really loving the theme/design of your weblog. Do you ever run into any browser compatibility issues? A handful of my blog audience have complained about my website not operating correctly in Explorer but looks great in Chrome. Do you have any solutions to help fix this issue?
Paris is a Hollywood favorite. She has that enticing manner about her.
Ciekawy blog, tematyka podobna do mojego, zapraszam na moja strone, pozdrawiam
So we plan on keeping voting open for two the two years it will take for Shockey to pass Merriman up in the voting? Can we move on to another matchup now?
I think an upercut by Merriman knocks Shockey testicles out of his eye sockets
Shockey will be coughing up his testicles before the opening bell sounds.
dear christ, i just came across the KSK will leitch farewell sendoff on deadspin… unfortunately drinking since 6:30 pm only makes that photo more terrifying.
is shockey allowed to use the ol’ “set your $500,000 car on fire” maneuver? because, that is the one way that he may have an edge…
Merriman would have Shockey so GHB’d before the fight even started that Mr. Tough Guy From Oklahoma would be picking up his teeth after like ten seconds. Nice tattoos, though.
Rocco- good point… ive had my share of beautys who were clueless in the sack. I took miss teen new york’s v card back in college (she was 19) and she was the worst POA of my life… but giselle’s been knocked around a bit thru hollywood, im sure brady’s getting the attention of a african king as we speak.
Owen Schmitt will come in after every match and headbutt the winner. 15 times. Then walk away and bang his wife/hooker/stripper/girlfriend/all of the above.
Winnar.
How can this all go down without Tamba Hali. I’m perplexed and downright perturbed.
On that note, its gotta be Merriman with an overwhelming pummeling that Shockey submits to while still talking shit.
I hear some n****s talking ’bout they’ll paint the White House black
I’d blow the sucker up and pressure on the attack
And Frontline, you’ll find, the government swine
Find themselves caught up in a bind
/be afraid, be very, very afraid
//dis is sewious
Oh and Merriman with the 3rd round KO
Wise man.
Craig, take it easy take it easy… your on 3rd st…
Just kidding but seriously its a fictional contest settle down sparky.
@CraigeProppa
Duh, why do you think he’s the # 1 seed? Besides, if we drop him then we have to drop Peppers too, and that screws up my whole bracket.
Yes, we need to keep this competition of 250 pound guys with world class sprinter speed clean from performance enhancing substances users…
Merriman shouldn’t even be allowed in this competition. HE IS A STEROID USER!!!
This match will be won by the fighter who manages to keep his footing and not slip in the large amount of vinegar this pair will inevitably produce.
I’m tempted to vote for Shockey because I can still remember one of those spooging SI pieces about how he partied hard but still took himself seriously. Something to the effect of, “Shockey parties all night, then does pushups and situps until he pukes at 5 a.m.”
That said, Merriman in under 10 seconds.
PS Maj: This is the most tournament ever. Bra-vo.
Also, +1 for Shockey’s reach.
I voted Merriman, but fully expect him to get a poop down by Osi in round two.
Witty comments aside I’m just trying to understand the love for Merriman. The Shockey hate is justified. He’s a cock knocker.
Uh, both?
Wait, is Rocco a Merriman hater or is he hard for Shockey. I can’t keep up.
@TBTIWAWB: the hottest chicks aren’t always the best f**** in the world.
/i.e. my ex-wife
//pictures floating around the interwebs still
Meeriman has the edge thanks to the steroids
Is there any way to get people to stop fucking saying “‘Nuff said”? Same for “End of discussion.” I’m sure the people who say either of these phrases have indeed given the definitive point in the argument but why don’t you just let us morons go on thinking there could be a little more debate. And yes I’m looking directly at you BurritoBroShits.
P.S. I’m a Giants fan and I still think Merriman would knock Shockey’s ass through the back on his head. And I gotta say I wouldn’t be too broken up about it.
dont get me wrong i dont wish it upon anyone not named Tom Brady… i mean he gets the best F*** in the world, he might as well get the worst F*** in the world too.
Whoa whoa Kyle, You must not have ever fought a drunk Irishman. Good luck beating some one down who cant feel anything and was fighting before he could crawl. Ask Mickey Ward what he thinks about Merriman beating and Irishman. Plus Merriman is a fuckin cry baby who whines about getting hit by TE’s…
I like “The Shock Doctor” for Mr. Jeremy Shockey.
/I wish a Merriman rape upon no one.
i’m suprised shockey’s nickname isn’t “The Shocker”
Rocco- cause someone at KSK thinks that if he makes Shawn Merriman look like the biggest bad ass in the NFL maybe just maybe he can convince Merriman to rape him, with a glorious bukakke style finish.
but in reality Merriman’s a joke.
Kyle, I always fuck that up after doing a weekend at Deadspin.
I’m confused. Just because Merriman trains in a boxing gym in the offseason to keep in shape means he’s a badass fighter?
UM, you might want to throw some commas in the tags. Just an idea :-p
Anyway Merriman would kill Shockey. I think it’d be better if they were fighting UFC style so Merriman could just give Shockey one swift kick to the bad knee, but either way it wouldn’t be close.
And Pip, Merriman would own any drunk Irishman in a fight. The ruski would be a better fight, but I’d still take Lights Out.
pip, are we betting on who has more injuries or who gets ass raped? the only things i know will beat merriman are MJD and a piss test. possibly a broncos lineman, since they cheat.
Merriman would only eat your children on tuesdays you dont have to worry for a few more days.
Someone stuffed the ballot box. 85% for Merriman? Is everyone here afraid of the, um, nevermind.
Merriman is going to eat your children
Bad match up for “Lights Out” in the first round. One of the few guys crazier than Merriman is Shockey. Chockey is the only non-irish, non-rusky white guy I’d bet on in a fight.
Thanks for simplifying it BurritoBros. Where were you during the Louis/Schmelling fights?
i’ll take shockey… Merrimem the juice weasel he is probably hits like a woman and i dont mean gina carona either… In fact i dont know why you guys (ksk) always preceive he’s so tough. I mean really show me once where he completely overpowered someone since he got off the juice? dont worry i’ll wait….
Shockey would last til the end for damn sure, them boys from oklahoma can take a hit. He might have a broken leg, jaw and a couple of ribs by the time the fight’s over but he’ll still be there. i have no faith in Merriman.
Merriman=Black Shockey=White ‘Nuff Said
I voted for Shockey. Don’t like the looks of that dahkie.
This one is not a question of who wins, but how long before Shockey gets Knocked the Fuck out!
Shockey frosts his hair. That equals a first round knockout and a visit to the mobile rape chamber.
Nice touch to have Shockey wearing tomato can red.
A vote for Shockey is a vote for the terrorists.
I voted for the Negro (good practice for November).
ognihs, yes.
was shockey in here just because people would like to see him punched?
i think this fight might look a lot like this one in real life:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GofbAn-BXvE
If Merriman wins this whole thing, he should be put up against a special guest fighter to keep his belt… Maurice Jones Drew.
In case you forgot… http://youtube.com/watch?v=eTbCtjX_y0w
Seriously, it was like a kitten knocking over a fridge.
How many times a day to you jerk it over this tournament?