Tale of the Tape: Shawne Merriman vs. Jeremy Shockey
Competitor: Shawne Merriman
Nickname: “Lights Out”
Height: 6′4″
Weight: 272 (est. ring weight: 260)
Reach: Lengthy
Sponsor: MET-Rx
Hometown: Upper Marlboro, MD. The DC area has produced such fighters as Sugar Ray Leonard, Winky Wright, and most recently, the Patterson brothers (Anthony fights tomorrow night on Versus).
Fighting Pedigree: Last night his uncle Henry “Sugar Poo” Buchanan knocked some chump through the ropes with an uppercut at the Playboy Mansion on ESPN. Merriman could be seen in the ring during the post-fight celebration, which was pretty stupid. That house is filled with bitches needin’ some dick. He also trains in a boxing gym in the offseason to keep himself in shape.
Strength: Knocking people unconscious.
Weakness: The boxing world, while flawed, is much less forgiving when it comes to steroid use. Although I’m pretty sure he doesn’t actually need them. He was probably just trying to shrink his balls. Trust me, lugging around giant balls is like having an albatross hanging from your neck. Only they’re your balls.
Predilection towards violence: Rape?
Fighting Style: The classic action fighter, Merriman will come at his opponent with plenty of power and zero restraint. He will smother weaker opponents (see below), but he’s fully capable of fighting at a distance. He possesses a dominating jab and a devastating overhand right.
Competitor: Jeremy Shockey
Nickname: Shock Man!
Height: 6′5″
Weight:251 (est. ring weight: 248)
Reach:Tara Reid.
Sponsor: Affliction.
Hometown: Ada, Oklahoma. It was once the home of Shockey’s best friend Mark Gastineau, formerly of the New York Sack Exchange. Gastineau also pursued a “career” in boxing, and a similarly successful career in wife beating.
Pedigree: Afghan.
Strength: Taking shots to the head.
Weakness: It’s almost like he wants people to hit him.
Predilection towards violence: Lets his boys take care of approaching assholes.
Fighting Style: The first time he gets hit he’ll swarm the opponent with looping cuffed punches that glance away harmlessly. The second time he gets hit he’ll go down for 1-2 weeks. Shockey’s best punch is the accidental head butt which he often pairs with a wild elbow.
Tags: boxing!, Sweet Science 16, The Champ Is Here, Unsilent Majority
June 26th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
How many times a day to you jerk it over this tournament?
June 26th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
If Merriman wins this whole thing, he should be put up against a special guest fighter to keep his belt… Maurice Jones Drew.
In case you forgot… http://youtube.com/watch?v=eTbCtjX_y0w
Seriously, it was like a kitten knocking over a fridge.
June 26th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
was shockey in here just because people would like to see him punched?
i think this fight might look a lot like this one in real life:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GofbAn-BXvE
June 26th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
ognihs, yes.
June 26th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
I voted for the Negro (good practice for November).
June 26th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
A vote for Shockey is a vote for the terrorists.
June 26th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Nice touch to have Shockey wearing tomato can red.
June 26th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Shockey frosts his hair. That equals a first round knockout and a visit to the mobile rape chamber.
June 26th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
This one is not a question of who wins, but how long before Shockey gets Knocked the Fuck out!
June 26th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
I voted for Shockey. Don’t like the looks of that dahkie.
June 26th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Merriman=Black Shockey=White ‘Nuff Said
June 26th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
i’ll take shockey… Merrimem the juice weasel he is probably hits like a woman and i dont mean gina carona either… In fact i dont know why you guys (ksk) always preceive he’s so tough. I mean really show me once where he completely overpowered someone since he got off the juice? dont worry i’ll wait….
Shockey would last til the end for damn sure, them boys from oklahoma can take a hit. He might have a broken leg, jaw and a couple of ribs by the time the fight’s over but he’ll still be there. i have no faith in Merriman.
June 26th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Thanks for simplifying it BurritoBros. Where were you during the Louis/Schmelling fights?
June 26th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Bad match up for “Lights Out” in the first round. One of the few guys crazier than Merriman is Shockey. Chockey is the only non-irish, non-rusky white guy I’d bet on in a fight.
June 26th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Merriman is going to eat your children
June 26th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Someone stuffed the ballot box. 85% for Merriman? Is everyone here afraid of the, um, nevermind.
June 26th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Merriman would only eat your children on tuesdays you dont have to worry for a few more days.
June 26th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
pip, are we betting on who has more injuries or who gets ass raped? the only things i know will beat merriman are MJD and a piss test. possibly a broncos lineman, since they cheat.
June 26th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
UM, you might want to throw some commas in the tags. Just an idea :-p
Anyway Merriman would kill Shockey. I think it’d be better if they were fighting UFC style so Merriman could just give Shockey one swift kick to the bad knee, but either way it wouldn’t be close.
And Pip, Merriman would own any drunk Irishman in a fight. The ruski would be a better fight, but I’d still take Lights Out.
June 26th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
I’m confused. Just because Merriman trains in a boxing gym in the offseason to keep in shape means he’s a badass fighter?
June 26th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
Kyle, I always fuck that up after doing a weekend at Deadspin.
June 26th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Rocco- cause someone at KSK thinks that if he makes Shawn Merriman look like the biggest bad ass in the NFL maybe just maybe he can convince Merriman to rape him, with a glorious bukakke style finish.
but in reality Merriman’s a joke.
June 26th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
i’m suprised shockey’s nickname isn’t “The Shocker”
June 26th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
I like “The Shock Doctor” for Mr. Jeremy Shockey.
/I wish a Merriman rape upon no one.
June 26th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Whoa whoa Kyle, You must not have ever fought a drunk Irishman. Good luck beating some one down who cant feel anything and was fighting before he could crawl. Ask Mickey Ward what he thinks about Merriman beating and Irishman. Plus Merriman is a fuckin cry baby who whines about getting hit by TE’s…
June 26th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
dont get me wrong i dont wish it upon anyone not named Tom Brady… i mean he gets the best F*** in the world, he might as well get the worst F*** in the world too.
June 26th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Is there any way to get people to stop fucking saying “‘Nuff said”? Same for “End of discussion.” I’m sure the people who say either of these phrases have indeed given the definitive point in the argument but why don’t you just let us morons go on thinking there could be a little more debate. And yes I’m looking directly at you BurritoBroShits.
P.S. I’m a Giants fan and I still think Merriman would knock Shockey’s ass through the back on his head. And I gotta say I wouldn’t be too broken up about it.
June 26th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Meeriman has the edge thanks to the steroids
June 26th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
@TBTIWAWB: the hottest chicks aren’t always the best f**** in the world.
/i.e. my ex-wife
//pictures floating around the interwebs still
June 26th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
Wait, is Rocco a Merriman hater or is he hard for Shockey. I can’t keep up.
June 26th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
Uh, both?
June 26th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Witty comments aside I’m just trying to understand the love for Merriman. The Shockey hate is justified. He’s a cock knocker.
June 26th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
I voted Merriman, but fully expect him to get a poop down by Osi in round two.
June 26th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
I’m tempted to vote for Shockey because I can still remember one of those spooging SI pieces about how he partied hard but still took himself seriously. Something to the effect of, “Shockey parties all night, then does pushups and situps until he pukes at 5 a.m.”
That said, Merriman in under 10 seconds.
PS Maj: This is the most tournament ever. Bra-vo.
Also, +1 for Shockey’s reach.
June 26th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
This match will be won by the fighter who manages to keep his footing and not slip in the large amount of vinegar this pair will inevitably produce.
June 26th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Merriman shouldn’t even be allowed in this competition. HE IS A STEROID USER!!!
June 26th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Yes, we need to keep this competition of 250 pound guys with world class sprinter speed clean from performance enhancing substances users…
June 26th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
@CraigeProppa
Duh, why do you think he’s the # 1 seed? Besides, if we drop him then we have to drop Peppers too, and that screws up my whole bracket.
June 26th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
Craig, take it easy take it easy… your on 3rd st…
Just kidding but seriously its a fictional contest settle down sparky.
June 26th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Wise man.
June 26th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
I hear some n****s talking ’bout they’ll paint the White House black
I’d blow the sucker up and pressure on the attack
And Frontline, you’ll find, the government swine
Find themselves caught up in a bind
/be afraid, be very, very afraid
//dis is sewious
Oh and Merriman with the 3rd round KO
June 26th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
How can this all go down without Tamba Hali. I’m perplexed and downright perturbed.
On that note, its gotta be Merriman with an overwhelming pummeling that Shockey submits to while still talking shit.
June 26th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
Owen Schmitt will come in after every match and headbutt the winner. 15 times. Then walk away and bang his wife/hooker/stripper/girlfriend/all of the above.
Winnar.
June 26th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Rocco- good point… ive had my share of beautys who were clueless in the sack. I took miss teen new york’s v card back in college (she was 19) and she was the worst POA of my life… but giselle’s been knocked around a bit thru hollywood, im sure brady’s getting the attention of a african king as we speak.
June 26th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
Merriman would have Shockey so GHB’d before the fight even started that Mr. Tough Guy From Oklahoma would be picking up his teeth after like ten seconds. Nice tattoos, though.
June 27th, 2008 at 2:12 am
is shockey allowed to use the ol’ “set your $500,000 car on fire” maneuver? because, that is the one way that he may have an edge…
June 27th, 2008 at 2:48 am
dear christ, i just came across the KSK will leitch farewell sendoff on deadspin… unfortunately drinking since 6:30 pm only makes that photo more terrifying.
June 27th, 2008 at 10:27 am
Shockey will be coughing up his testicles before the opening bell sounds.
June 27th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
I think an upercut by Merriman knocks Shockey testicles out of his eye sockets
June 30th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
So we plan on keeping voting open for two the two years it will take for Shockey to pass Merriman up in the voting? Can we move on to another matchup now?
July 9th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
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