Competitor: Shawne Merriman
Nickname: “Lights Out”
Weight: 272 (est. ring weight: 260)
Hometown: Upper Marlboro, MD. The DC area has produced such fighters as Sugar Ray Leonard, Winky Wright, and most recently, the Patterson brothers (Anthony fights tomorrow night on Versus).
Fighting Pedigree: Last night his uncle Henry “Sugar Poo” Buchanan knocked some chump through the ropes with an uppercut at the Playboy Mansion on ESPN. Merriman could be seen in the ring during the post-fight celebration, which was pretty stupid. That house is filled with bitches needin’ some dick. He also trains in a boxing gym in the offseason to keep himself in shape.
Strength: Knocking people unconscious.
Weakness: The boxing world, while flawed, is much less forgiving when it comes to steroid use. Although I’m pretty sure he doesn’t actually need them. He was probably just trying to shrink his balls. Trust me, lugging around giant balls is like having an albatross hanging from your neck. Only they’re your balls.
Predilection towards violence: Rape?
Fighting Style: The classic action fighter, Merriman will come at his opponent with plenty of power and zero restraint. He will smother weaker opponents (see below), but he’s fully capable of fighting at a distance. He possesses a dominating jab and a devastating overhand right.
Competitor: Jeremy Shockey
Nickname: Shock Man!
Weight:251 (est. ring weight: 248)
Hometown: Ada, Oklahoma. It was once the home of Shockey’s best friend Mark Gastineau, formerly of the New York Sack Exchange. Gastineau also pursued a “career” in boxing, and a similarly successful career in wife beating.
Strength: Taking shots to the head.
Weakness: It’s almost like he wants people to hit him.
Predilection towards violence: Lets his boys take care of approaching assholes.
Fighting Style: The first time he gets hit he’ll swarm the opponent with looping cuffed punches that glance away harmlessly. The second time he gets hit he’ll go down for 1-2 weeks. Shockey’s best punch is the accidental head butt which he often pairs with a wild elbow.
I want more like this!
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