Sergeant Coughlin Oversees Offseason Workouts
(Giants weight room)
Justin Tuck: Hey Coach McGaughey, what’s the rotation today?
McGaughey: We got dot drills, then heavy legs to follow.
Justin Tuck: Oh man, not those fucking dot drills. We did box jumps yesterday and my groin in on fucking fire. C’mon, man. We gotta taper a bit. I’m not gonna have anything left.
McGaughey: I keep telling you, do it now, and you’ll breeze through camp. Besides, I can’t veer off the regimen. (whispers) He’s watching us.
Justin Tuck: Who’s watching us?
(door flies open)
Sergeant Tom Coughlin: YOU FUCKING LITTLE PUKE! FUCKING SLACKING OFF YOUR FUCKING OFFSEASON WORKOUTS, YOU MANGY LITTLE PUSSYFLAP?!
Justin Tuck: No, Coach. It wasn’t anything like that. I’m just don’t want to overdo it.
Sergeant Tom Coughlin: DON’T WANNA FUCKING OVERDO IT?! I WILL FUCKING STOMP ON YOUR COCK UNTIL IT LOOKS LIKE A STRIP OF BACON, BACON-DICK! TOUGHEN UP, YOU LITTLE FUCKING COCKRUBBER! YOU’RE FUCKING WEAK AND USELESS, TUCK! YOU AREN’T READY FOR FUCKING WAR! WARRRRRR!!!!
Justin Tuck: Okay, okay. I’ll do the box drills.
Sergeant Tom Coughlin: FUCK YOU, SON. FUCK YOU WITH A BEDPOST. YOU’RE GONNA DO DOT DRILLS UNTIL YOU’RE SPEWING BLOOD! THEN YOU’RE GONNA RUN UNTIL YOU’RE STEPPING ON YOUR OWN FUCKING TONGUE! THEN WE’RE GONNA RUN FUCKING HILLS! NO WAIT, FUCK THAT. WE’RE RUNNING CLIFF FACES. YOU WILL RUN 700 CLIFF FACES, YOU WEAK GLASS OF MAXIPAD DRIBBLE!
Justin Tuck: Okay.
Sergeant Tom Coughlin: YOU FUCKING CALL ME SIR, CUMQUENCHER!
Justin Tuck: Yes, sir. (mumbles) Big jerk.
Sergeant Tom Coughlin WHAT WAS THAT?! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST CALL ME?! YOU LITTLE TITJABBER! TOO BUSY NURSING YOUR DADDY’S COCK TO SPEAK UP, FUCKHOLE?! YOU JUST BOUGHT YOURSELF 500 BURPEES AND 12,000 HANGING SIT UPS, YOU FUCKING SMEGMA EATER!
Justin Tuck: Yes, sir.
Sergeant Tom Coughlin: AND I DON’T WANT YOU SHOWING UP LATE ANYMORE, YOU LITTLE TURDPUSHER!
Justin Tuck: Late for what? It was the day off today. I just came in to work out.
Sergeant Tom Coughlin: THERE ARE NO DAYS OFF IN FOOTBALL, PUSSYRAG! YOU FUCKING HEAR ME?! THIS IS YOUR MANDATORY OFFSEASON WORKOUT PROGRAM! YOU FUCKING MISS ONE GODDAMN LAT PULL AND I WILL DROWN YOU IN THE SHITTER! I WANT YOU AT THIS FACILITY ONE HOUR BEFORE O’DARK THIRTY EVERY MORNING!
Justin Tuck: What time is that?
Sergeant Tom Coughlin: RIGHT FUCKING NOW, FUCKWHEAT! YOU’RE ALREADY LATE FOR TOMORROW’S WORKOUT! YOU FUCKING BEST UNFUCK YOURSELF TUCK, OR SO HELP ME GOD I WILL CUT YOUR THROAT AND RAPE YOUR JUGULAR! YOU HEAR ME, FUCK BREATH?! FUCK!
Justin Tuck: Yes, sir.
(Coughlin leaves)
McGaughey: You know, I gotta say: He’s been WAY nicer ever since we won the Super Bowl.
Justin Tuck: Definitely.
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Tags: Big Daddy Drew, creative profanity, DO YOU SUCK DICKS?, insane people, Sergeant Tom, very mean people
June 30th, 2008 at 10:27 am
Outstanding.
I can’t wait to watch Coughlin’s sideline aneurysm replayed over and over again in slo-mo. Ideally, John Madden will be doing color commentary for the game, so he can break out the telestrator and his third-grade vocabulary to break it all down. “See right here? That’s where his brain explodes. BOOM!”
June 30th, 2008 at 10:35 am
It’s great to see senior citizens who can still contribute to society in such an outstanding way. Points for Sergeant Tom. No points, however, for Joe Gibbs.
June 30th, 2008 at 10:37 am
I didn’t know Sgt. Hatred was a football coach.
June 30th, 2008 at 10:39 am
I’m more excited than I should be about the smegma reference.
June 30th, 2008 at 10:48 am
I would’ve paid a hefty price to see this guy invited to the Leitch roast.
June 30th, 2008 at 10:49 am
As I read it, I’m hearing Sgt. Hartman from “Full Metal Jacket” in my head - was that intentional, or is that just what ALL-CAPS yelling sounds like?
June 30th, 2008 at 10:50 am
Heh. Titjabber.
June 30th, 2008 at 11:01 am
@rusrus
Strange, I have the same voice in my head when I read it. Now we need to figure out who Gomer Pyle is on the Giants.
June 30th, 2008 at 11:08 am
I come for the creative profanity & Justin Tuck, but I stay for the menstruation references.
June 30th, 2008 at 11:08 am
@Animal Mother
Jared Lorenzen WAS Gomer Pyle… but never getting play time really messed with him him and he ate a bullet
June 30th, 2008 at 11:08 am
CUMQUENCHER
I don’t think I ever need to be this thirsty.
/shudders in corner
June 30th, 2008 at 11:17 am
i’m with hooksorpik. smegma reference = highlight and i’m not sure why.
June 30th, 2008 at 11:21 am
Holy hell. I’m trying so hard not to laugh I sound like I’m at an emphysema convention.
June 30th, 2008 at 11:36 am
You had me at bacon-dick.
Can’t wait to try that one on my kids.
June 30th, 2008 at 11:43 am
“I WILL DROWN YOU IN THE SHITTER” is going to be the highlight of my day.
June 30th, 2008 at 11:46 am
/threadjack
Nice cumstache there WELKAAAAAHHHHH
//end threadjack
June 30th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Rape your jugular
/just cannot compose a thought to tie with this
// is this with or without the bedpost?
June 30th, 2008 at 11:49 am
I had no idea how many ways there are to call someone a pussy
@Smurphette: didn’t you mean that you come from creative profanity?
June 30th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
We had a smegma room in our frat house…then someone turned it into their room.
My boss had to be wondering what I was trying to stiffle my laughter about.
Does every door fly open in KSK land?
June 30th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
Is O’Dark Thirty right around the time Javon Walker gets into strange vans with stranger guys?
BTW, another classic. I’d love it if Kellen “Da Solja” Winslow ever ran into Sgt. Coughlin.
June 30th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
This post brings up some interesting questions:
Is Tiki Gomer Pyle or Snowflake?
Best role for Eli? I’d have to go with Pvt. Rafterman.
I defy anyone to find be a better Animal Mother than Shockey.
Tuck or Umenyiora as Eightball?
June 30th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Fan-fucking-tastic. If Sgt. Coughlin met up with Double J, my head would asplode.
June 30th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
@Naptown Drew
You might want to lay down some plastic (if you give a shit about your mom finding her son’s scattered brains in her basement, which you should but probably don’t) around Halloween, because I have a feeling you might get your wish.
/gauges out eyes and skullfucks self
June 30th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Oh and Chris Snee is definately Gomer. He had so much promise. . .
June 30th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
If a band adopted the name “Mangy Little Pussyflap”, you’d download their songs, right?
June 30th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
tiki was shocked to find that matt lauer was just as sadistic
June 30th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Needs a “Bad MS Paint” with the opening background from “Patton”.
June 30th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
@rusrus
And exactly what did you think the “DO YOU SUCK DICKS?” tag referred to?
June 30th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
I’LL RIP OF YOUR HEAD AND PISS ON YOUR BRAIN!!!!!!
/coughlin’d
July 1st, 2008 at 4:32 am
He’s like the antithesis of Wade Phillips.