(Giants weight room)
Justin Tuck: Hey Coach McGaughey, what’s the rotation today?
McGaughey: We got dot drills, then heavy legs to follow.
Justin Tuck: Oh man, not those fucking dot drills. We did box jumps yesterday and my groin in on fucking fire. C’mon, man. We gotta taper a bit. I’m not gonna have anything left.
McGaughey: I keep telling you, do it now, and you’ll breeze through camp. Besides, I can’t veer off the regimen. (whispers) He’s watching us.
Justin Tuck: Who’s watching us?
(door flies open)
Sergeant Tom Coughlin: YOU FUCKING LITTLE PUKE! FUCKING SLACKING OFF YOUR FUCKING OFFSEASON WORKOUTS, YOU MANGY LITTLE PUSSYFLAP?!
Justin Tuck: No, Coach. It wasn’t anything like that. I’m just don’t want to overdo it.
Sergeant Tom Coughlin: DON’T WANNA FUCKING OVERDO IT?! I WILL FUCKING STOMP ON YOUR COCK UNTIL IT LOOKS LIKE A STRIP OF BACON, BACON-DICK! TOUGHEN UP, YOU LITTLE FUCKING COCKRUBBER! YOU’RE FUCKING WEAK AND USELESS, TUCK! YOU AREN’T READY FOR FUCKING WAR! WARRRRRR!!!!
Justin Tuck: Okay, okay. I’ll do the box drills.
Sergeant Tom Coughlin: FUCK YOU, SON. FUCK YOU WITH A BEDPOST. YOU’RE GONNA DO DOT DRILLS UNTIL YOU’RE SPEWING BLOOD! THEN YOU’RE GONNA RUN UNTIL YOU’RE STEPPING ON YOUR OWN FUCKING TONGUE! THEN WE’RE GONNA RUN FUCKING HILLS! NO WAIT, FUCK THAT. WE’RE RUNNING CLIFF FACES. YOU WILL RUN 700 CLIFF FACES, YOU WEAK GLASS OF MAXIPAD DRIBBLE!
Justin Tuck: Okay.
Sergeant Tom Coughlin: YOU FUCKING CALL ME SIR, CUMQUENCHER!
Justin Tuck: Yes, sir. (mumbles) Big jerk.
Sergeant Tom Coughlin WHAT WAS THAT?! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST CALL ME?! YOU LITTLE TITJABBER! TOO BUSY NURSING YOUR DADDY’S COCK TO SPEAK UP, FUCKHOLE?! YOU JUST BOUGHT YOURSELF 500 BURPEES AND 12,000 HANGING SIT UPS, YOU FUCKING SMEGMA EATER!
Justin Tuck: Yes, sir.
Sergeant Tom Coughlin: AND I DON’T WANT YOU SHOWING UP LATE ANYMORE, YOU LITTLE TURDPUSHER!
Justin Tuck: Late for what? It was the day off today. I just came in to work out.
Sergeant Tom Coughlin: THERE ARE NO DAYS OFF IN FOOTBALL, PUSSYRAG! YOU FUCKING HEAR ME?! THIS IS YOUR MANDATORY OFFSEASON WORKOUT PROGRAM! YOU FUCKING MISS ONE GODDAMN LAT PULL AND I WILL DROWN YOU IN THE SHITTER! I WANT YOU AT THIS FACILITY ONE HOUR BEFORE O’DARK THIRTY EVERY MORNING!
Justin Tuck: What time is that?
Sergeant Tom Coughlin: RIGHT FUCKING NOW, FUCKWHEAT! YOU’RE ALREADY LATE FOR TOMORROW’S WORKOUT! YOU FUCKING BEST UNFUCK YOURSELF TUCK, OR SO HELP ME GOD I WILL CUT YOUR THROAT AND RAPE YOUR JUGULAR! YOU HEAR ME, FUCK BREATH?! FUCK!
Justin Tuck: Yes, sir.
(Coughlin leaves)
McGaughey: You know, I gotta say: He’s been WAY nicer ever since we won the Super Bowl.
Justin Tuck: Definitely.
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He’s like the antithesis of Wade Phillips.
I’LL RIP OF YOUR HEAD AND PISS ON YOUR BRAIN!!!!!!
/coughlin’d
@rusrus
And exactly what did you think the “DO YOU SUCK DICKS?” tag referred to?
Needs a “Bad MS Paint” with the opening background from “Patton”.
tiki was shocked to find that matt lauer was just as sadistic
If a band adopted the name “Mangy Little Pussyflap”, you’d download their songs, right?
Oh and Chris Snee is definately Gomer. He had so much promise. . .
@Naptown Drew
You might want to lay down some plastic (if you give a shit about your mom finding her son’s scattered brains in her basement, which you should but probably don’t) around Halloween, because I have a feeling you might get your wish.
/gauges out eyes and skullfucks self
Fan-fucking-tastic. If Sgt. Coughlin met up with Double J, my head would asplode.
This post brings up some interesting questions:
Is Tiki Gomer Pyle or Snowflake?
Best role for Eli? I’d have to go with Pvt. Rafterman.
I defy anyone to find be a better Animal Mother than Shockey.
Tuck or Umenyiora as Eightball?
Is O’Dark Thirty right around the time Javon Walker gets into strange vans with stranger guys?
BTW, another classic. I’d love it if Kellen “Da Solja” Winslow ever ran into Sgt. Coughlin.
We had a smegma room in our frat house…then someone turned it into their room.
My boss had to be wondering what I was trying to stiffle my laughter about.
Does every door fly open in KSK land?
I had no idea how many ways there are to call someone a pussy
@Smurphette: didn’t you mean that you come from creative profanity?
Rape your jugular
/just cannot compose a thought to tie with this
// is this with or without the bedpost?
/threadjack
Nice cumstache there WELKAAAAAHHHHH
//end threadjack
“I WILL DROWN YOU IN THE SHITTER” is going to be the highlight of my day.
You had me at bacon-dick.
Can’t wait to try that one on my kids.
Holy hell. I’m trying so hard not to laugh I sound like I’m at an emphysema convention.
i’m with hooksorpik. smegma reference = highlight and i’m not sure why.
CUMQUENCHER
I don’t think I ever need to be this thirsty.
/shudders in corner
@Animal Mother
Jared Lorenzen WAS Gomer Pyle… but never getting play time really messed with him him and he ate a bullet
I come for the creative profanity & Justin Tuck, but I stay for the menstruation references.
@rusrus
Strange, I have the same voice in my head when I read it. Now we need to figure out who Gomer Pyle is on the Giants.
Heh. Titjabber.
As I read it, I’m hearing Sgt. Hartman from “Full Metal Jacket” in my head – was that intentional, or is that just what ALL-CAPS yelling sounds like?
I would’ve paid a hefty price to see this guy invited to the Leitch roast.
I’m more excited than I should be about the smegma reference.
I didn’t know Sgt. Hatred was a football coach.
It’s great to see senior citizens who can still contribute to society in such an outstanding way. Points for Sergeant Tom. No points, however, for Joe Gibbs.
Outstanding.
I can’t wait to watch Coughlin’s sideline aneurysm replayed over and over again in slo-mo. Ideally, John Madden will be doing color commentary for the game, so he can break out the telestrator and his third-grade vocabulary to break it all down. “See right here? That’s where his brain explodes. BOOM!”