Oh, dear! Are you really going to hold out, Shockey? I’ve heard the rumors. Please, my good man, please tell me they aren’t true!

(stifles laughter)

I’m just… I’m just not sure how we could go on without you!

(bites hand)

You’re such an important part of our organization, Jeremy…

(looks away to avoid cracking up)

I mean, you’ve contributed so much…

moron

(bites hand again, draws blood)

To lose you at this juncture would just be devastating!

(puts in DVD of “Schindler’s List” as distraction)

The thought of you not showing up at minicamp…. I just don’t know how we, as a team, will move forward!

(sends text message to Coughlin, saying, “Can you believe this retard?”)

I’ve had a lot of players play hardball. But you, good sir, are utterly ruthless! You must have read any number of Jack Welch books! I’m not sure how I can hold out against your abstract demands much longer!

(pounds desk)

I was particularly intimidated by this quote:

Unlike the Giants, I’m going to be quiet.

Oh, God! You got us! Good thing you called in the media to tell them you’d never say negative things about the Giants in public, as a sneaky way of saying negative things about the Giants in public! Oh, you sly wolf! Your cunning knows no bounds!

(starts openly laughing)

I can’t believe someone in our organization would trash you to the media! Why, it’s almost as if they want to drive you away! I’ll find this…

(begins crying with laughter)

I’ll find this miscreant, Jeremy! I’ll put all my best men on it!

(rolls around on floor)

I can’t bear the thought of you being unhappy with us, Jeremy! If you left, we’d just be stuck with Kevin Boss. And what’s he ever done for us, apart from duplicate your production without any of your histrionics?

(brings in fellow employees to join in the laughter)

I also liked how you threatened us by using your injury as an excuse…

”Obviously. I’m not 100 percent and if I do show to minicamp, it’s going to be, I wouldn’t imagine me doing much, just getting treatment on my leg.”

Oh, no! Not your precious leg! Only the Shroud of Turin can surpass its value! You delicate little flower! You can’t possibly risk putting pressure on it! Everything rides on your leg! It’s the very foundation of everything we do! I’m not sure we’ll be able to keep our championship rings if your little booboo doesn’t improve! DON’T STRONGARM US BY THREATENING TO GET TREATMENT, YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD! GAHHHH!

Oh God, I can’t handle the tension of this standoff! Cannot… hold back… any longer…

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA JESUS CHRIST
YOU’RE A FUCKING IDIOT.

(looks at naked picture of Hillary Clinton to calm down)

Ah.

God, I haven’t laughed that hard in ages. Go hang out with your mom in Texas, you fucking jackass.