Most of you don’t really give a shit about what people are writing about the realm of sports blogs, and really, neither do I. They never talk about me! Seriously, it’s the same shit over and over. It’s the Wild West! No accountability! I worked my whole life to get overrun by these turds!

The thing I hate about the practice of writing is that it’s so deliberately short-sighted. Granted, you don’t really care about the political climate in Zimbabwe if you’re, say, writing a recap of the Reds game. But the legion of wordsmiths out there are more often concerned with story angles than with getting a handle on what’s really going on. The “big picture” perspective — or its intentional, smooth omission — is my benchmark for great writing. And so many people are shitty at this.

So needless to say that this was all a bit of buildup for the topic at hand, namely David Wharton (of the Cambridge Whartons? [sips brandy] ) and his thinger in the L. A. Times, which suggests that sports blogs are actually toning it down. I’d link to it, but it’s not a very good article. Plus, I wasn’t interviewed!

But it deserves a response from us. Leitch responded here, and it’s good. Because some of us can’t be part of this so-called smarting-up of America. And if you assholes want to jump on that wagon, have fun. For the rest of us, I present a quick thing in response to Wharton’s asinine assertion of ass, in its entirety, simply titled, “Henry Dickens Longbottom And The Very Wet Lake.” Enjoy.

Edgy.

Hip. Wild.

In with the cool kids.

Fuck.

Fuck?

FUCK!

Piss.

Shoes.

Licking pussy when your parents are out of town.

Not because it’s cool. Because you want to.

Cocaine. Bernaise sauce. Shake well. Serves eight.

Seven if your dad is fat. Like mine.

Timmy didn’t make you do it, shithead.

I saw some cows fucking once and it blew my mind.

I am cool. I drink beer with girls.

I’ve never eaten out another girl’s ass. I’m okay with that.

Why couldn’t McIntyre be the one quitting?

Rumor has it he licked chocolate out of another guy’s foreskin.

Electricity is expensive, but cardboard is almost always free.

Sometimes you just have to play the hand you’re dealt, or curl that hand into a fist and plunge it into the ass of someone you love.

Cactus.

Fin.