Four months. People have been asking about some dumb article about my past for the last four freakin’ months. And I just can’t ignore it any more. It’s time for me to make an official response.

Listen, people. I don’t know why you have to keep bringing this up. All that stuff happened in the past. Like, did I use GHB to drug a 19-year-old freshman before anally raping her outside a fraternity house? Not according to my criminal record, I didn’t.

What’s that? My criminal record says I’m guilty of assault, reckless driving hit and run, reckless driving, and driving under the influence on different occasions? Well, yeah. My criminal record says a lot of things. Doesn’t mean you should believe them all.

All that stuff happened in the past, okay? I was just a young guy making his way in the world from the years 1998-2007. Who doesn’t have an off decade while they’re finding themselves?

Besides, during that time I had less than one run-in with the police per year. But you don’t hear me reminding everyone how law-abiding I am. So why is it a big deal if I did or didn’t drug and anally rape a 19-year-old girl a long time ago? We all go through that phase where we’re young and raping people. But I assure you, I grew out of it. I barely even like raping semiconscious acquaintances any more. Can’t we let bygones be bygones?

Another thing I need to make clear: no, I never read the article. I never read the article, but I can assure you that much of it is false and inaccurately reported. Like, did it mention how my status on a Rose Bowl-bound Washington Huskies team got me out of going to trial?

It did?

Well, okay. Lucky guess by the Seattle Times. Even a blind squirrel finds the occasional nut.

How about this. Did the article say that I jaywalk whenever the fuck I feel like it? Did it say that I killed a stray dog with a beer bottle? Did it say anything about Girl Scout Troop 513? And how no one ever found their bodies, but there was a garden in my apartment complex that sprouted prize-winning roses thanks to the nonpareil compost of rotting human flesh?

It didn’t? Okay, cool. Just goes to show that journalists never tell the whole story.