Listen, Drugging and Anally Raping Virginal Freshmen Girls Was Just a Phase I Went Through
Four months. People have been asking about some dumb article about my past for the last four freakin’ months. And I just can’t ignore it any more. It’s time for me to make an official response.
Listen, people. I don’t know why you have to keep bringing this up. All that stuff happened in the past. Like, did I use GHB to drug a 19-year-old freshman before anally raping her outside a fraternity house? Not according to my criminal record, I didn’t.
What’s that? My criminal record says I’m guilty of assault, reckless driving hit and run, reckless driving, and driving under the influence on different occasions? Well, yeah. My criminal record says a lot of things. Doesn’t mean you should believe them all.
All that stuff happened in the past, okay? I was just a young guy making his way in the world from the years 1998-2007. Who doesn’t have an off decade while they’re finding themselves?
Besides, during that time I had less than one run-in with the police per year. But you don’t hear me reminding everyone how law-abiding I am. So why is it a big deal if I did or didn’t drug and anally rape a 19-year-old girl a long time ago? We all go through that phase where we’re young and raping people. But I assure you, I grew out of it. I barely even like raping semiconscious acquaintances any more. Can’t we let bygones be bygones?
Another thing I need to make clear: no, I never read the article. I never read the article, but I can assure you that much of it is false and inaccurately reported. Like, did it mention how my status on a Rose Bowl-bound Washington Huskies team got me out of going to trial?
It did?
Well, okay. Lucky guess by the Seattle Times. Even a blind squirrel finds the occasional nut.
How about this. Did the article say that I jaywalk whenever the fuck I feel like it? Did it say that I killed a stray dog with a beer bottle? Did it say anything about Girl Scout Troop 513? And how no one ever found their bodies, but there was a garden in my apartment complex that sprouted prize-winning roses thanks to the nonpareil compost of rotting human flesh?
It didn’t? Okay, cool. Just goes to show that journalists never tell the whole story.
Tags: captain caveman, jerramy stevens
June 5th, 2008 at 10:02 am
Other appropriate tags include “candidate for castration” and “wait till those bitches at Jezebel get a hold of this tool”
June 5th, 2008 at 10:04 am
I use the term “bitches” affectionately.
/dodges groin kick
June 5th, 2008 at 10:06 am
Hopefully, this shitbag will be in prison soon, where he’ll get the chance to relive the encounter over and over and over again until his asshole looks like the Holland Tunnel.
I’d tell him not to drop the soap, but … come on, this is Jerramy Stevens we’re talking about. You might as well hope he hangs onto an easy touchdown pass.
June 5th, 2008 at 10:08 am
I’ve had many unkind things to say about the Raiders over the years, but this cheap shot was a righteous one.
June 5th, 2008 at 10:37 am
I see that the Bucs first exhibition game is against the Dolphins. I’m sure Joey Porter will remind this fuckstick that he is still his bitch. With any luck Porter will invite him over after the game and let Stevens play in the backyard with Jpey’s miniature horse killing dogs.
June 5th, 2008 at 10:38 am
Did it say that I killed a stray dog with a beer bottle?
Weren’t Stevens’s fault. The dog kept asking him to “fill it up again!”
June 5th, 2008 at 10:38 am
Wasn’t this guy in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas?
June 5th, 2008 at 10:54 am
Come on… big deal! Its not like he funded a dog fighting operation! Give the guy a break you ball busting bastards.
June 5th, 2008 at 10:56 am
No way he uses the word nonpareil or even knows what the hell it means.
nonpareil: Having no equal; peerless
/for those of you who were wondering…
//closes dictionary.com
June 5th, 2008 at 11:03 am
Anal Rape - Helps start a morning off right and rinse my mind of the horrific image I witnessed yesterday afternoon.
June 5th, 2008 at 11:03 am
When I spent MY ten years in a drunken, fraternity supported haze I NEVER raped any girls just anally?!?
June 5th, 2008 at 11:07 am
Urge to kill rising.
June 5th, 2008 at 11:12 am
Understandable, futuremrs., but Stevens is with the Bucs now, so he’s already dead.
Doesn’t mean we can’t hope his corpse is gang raped by rhinos, though.
June 5th, 2008 at 11:43 am
christ that was long. i don’t have time for reading a report like that unless the terms “make it rain” or “overdose” appear at least once.
June 5th, 2008 at 11:44 am
I think we can all agree that Jerramy is in a good place now… it’s not like there are any virgins in Tampa
June 5th, 2008 at 11:57 am
Where’s the sober sister when you need her?
June 5th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
I take solace in the fact that this guy is soon to be out of the league, broke, and in jail. I am only hoping that no one gets killed or anally raped (again) between now and the afore mentioned inevitable trip to the pokey for this piece of trash.
June 5th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
I want to puke after reading that article. Fuck him, UW, and the prosecutors, and everyone who wants to keep giving this shit bag a 2nd chance.
June 5th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
should goodell just go ahead and get it over with and fine the bucs now?
June 5th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
“My criminal record says a lot of things.”
Criminal records, witnesses, plaintiffs… they all just keep running their fucking mouths. What about my couch? you never hear ITS side of the story.
June 5th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Tampa’s the best possible non-prison place for Jerramy. The cheerleaders are all lesbians, according to that one story and my imagination. And anal rape jokes are NOT funny (when compared to baby-killing jokes).
June 5th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
@Grimey
“it’s not like there are any virgins in Tampa”
Not anymore, Stevens did have to show up for a tryout before they signed him. I just feel sorry for all those dogs and cats that crossed his path.
June 5th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
[...] Kissing Suzy Kolber takes a shot at Jerramy Stevens’ supposed redemption with this satire titled: “Listen, Drugging and Anally Raping Virginal Freshmen Girls Was Just a Phase I Went Through.” [...]
June 5th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Remember that time when someone wrote a rape expose about you and you didn’t get around to reading it? Yea me too. Growing up was hard!
June 5th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
I’ll take The Rapists, for $400.
June 5th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
How high do you have to be to go on the new Jerramy/Chuckie ride at Disneyworld?
June 5th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
I hope Joey Porter’s dogs drug and anally rape this fucker.
June 5th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
When is Mark Cuban starting that alternative league again? I used to think that was the most hubristic (yeah, I made it up) mistake ever. Now, if he would intentionally field a team without misdemeanors, I’d support it on principle.
June 5th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
He could have at least been a gentleman and raped her INSIDE the fraternity house. Guess he just wasn’t raised right.
And his mom should do some time for naming him “Jerramy.”
June 5th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
I think they’d forgive the anal rape stuff if Stevens would simply CATCH THE DAMN BALL
June 6th, 2008 at 3:43 am
In the new, enlightened world that we live in, we don’t call it “rape” anymore. Henceforth, we refer to it as “surprise sex.” Doesn’t that sound nicer, and less traumatic?