KSK’s Fake Interview With Javon Walker
Where the fuck did everybody go?
None of us at KSK are close personal friends with NFL players like the guys over at The Dirty, so we haven’t had the opportunity to speak directly to Javon Walker regarding his rather dubious story.
Until now!
Javon is out of the hospital and we’ve managed to secure the definitive interview.
KSK: Hey Javon, thanks for taking the time to answer some of our lingering questions.
JW: No problem, I just want to clear the air and get back to football.
KSK: So first off, where were you on at 5:30 Monday morning, and exactly what was it you were doing.
JW: See, I wasn’t out at the club like that pirate dude been sayin’, I was in my hotel room at Bellagio. I was sittin’ there doin’ my thing. You know, sippin’ some Earl Grey and goin’ over my new playbook with Squawk Box on in the background. I can’t start my day without a lil’ Becky Quick.
KSK: So what happened next.
JW: Well I hear this knock at my door, and I hear some voice sayin’ they got my room service. Now I know that’s some bullshit, because Consuela brought up my tea and a fresh melon a half hour before.
KSK: Honeydew or cantaloupe?
JW: Oh it’s gotta be honeydew. That’s the money melon.
KSK: Excellent, please continue.
JW: So I figure I’m dealin’ with some jokesters or some such nonsense and I tell ‘em I didn’t order shit. Then a couple minutes later there’s another knock and some guy out in the hall is sayin’ how he’s locked out of his room and he needs to call his girl to come meet up with him, cause she’s got the other key. I get up to take a look out the peephole and see these three shady lookin’ fools outside the door.
KSK: And you opened it?
JW: Not right away. First off I told him to take his ass down to the reception desk to get a new key, or at least call his woman from the lobby phone. But he says they ain’t helpin’ him out down there cause them’s some racist assholes. Well that’s some shit I can understand, so I tell this guy that he can come on in to use the phone, but his boys gotta stay out in the hall ’cause they was strapped.
KSK: But those armed men didn’t stay in the hallway as you insisted?
JW: No, they did not. I mean, what kind of world are we living in where people can just lie like that, flat out. I can’t stand these fuckin’ liars, man.
KSK: Yeah, lying is pretty weak. So what happened after you opened the door?
JW: Those lyin’ fuckers came through and cracked me in the head with one of them guns. Next thing I know I’m on the ground takin’ a beatin’ and I’m just tryin’ to protect my playbook. You know, I’m thinkin’ maybe these guys were sent by the Broncos or some shit.
KSK: So you weren’t involved in any sort of altercation with these men at the club the previous night?
JW: Nah man, we were just enjoying a slam poetry performance when a candle tipped over and started a fire. I happened to be celebrating Tiger’s eagle on 18 with some friends, so I took our champagne and doused the blaze before anyone could get hurt. I was like, a hero and shit.
KSK: Wow, what an incredible story!
JW: Right?
KSK: So getting back to the assault, what happened after you were knocked to the floor?
JW: Well I started swallowing pages of the playbook so that Mike Shanahan and his goons could never get their hands on it.
KSK: And what made you think that these men were sent by your former coach?
JW: I’ll answer your question with another question: Who else could possibly want to harm Javon Walker?
KSK: …
JW: Exactly! So I’m chewin’ up some hot routes and these guys are pawin’ at my wristwatch, but I figured they were after the book, so I resisted. Just then I feel a crack on the back of my head, and everything goes black.
KSK: That’s incredible.
JW: Yup. So I’m layin’ there unconscious and they hoist me up and start walkin’ me out into the hallway.
KSK: Hang on a second. How did you know they were carrying you down the hallway if you were unconscious?
JW: Because when I’m unconscious all my other senses go into, like, overdrive. You know what I’m sayin?
KSK: Not really, but please go on.
JW: So they’re draggin’ my ass into the elevator and down to the main level, but security doesn’t notice, because they got this string tied around my wrist to make it look like I’m wavin’ to all my fans. It was just like that movie.
KSK: Weekend At Bernies?
JW: Exactly! It was like some Weekend At Bernie’s type shit! But the first one, not that gay ass sequel.
KSK: Where did you go from there?
JW: Well they got me out of the building and into the parking garage. I was still unconscious, but my subconscious knew what was up. Then they toss me in the trunk of this Town Car and start driving off. At some point I woke up and thought to myself “Man, I need to get the fuck outta here before they deliver me to Shanahan.” So I pry open the trunk with some MacGyver type shit I found back there. I wasn’t sure if they noticed, so I didn’t even bother waiting for them to stop, I just jumped out of that bitch goin’ about 50 down the boulevard. When I landed I cracked my orbital shit on the curb, and the next thing I knew I was waking up in the hospital.
KSK: Holy shit, man!
JW: Right?
KSK: You’re a hero!
Tags: Dubious Stories, Heroes, it's satire people, Javon Walker, Unsilent Majority, Vegas
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June 18th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
I’m surprised he didn’t go for the watermelon balls.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
As soon as I read “slam poetry” I knew this was written by the Maj.
JW: Oh it’s gotta be honeydew. That’s the money melon.
KSK: Excellent, please continue.
Awesome.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Homer: [answering the door] Who is it?
Voice: Goons.
Homer: Who?
Voice: Hired goons.
Homer: Hired goons? [opens the door]
June 18th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
/shamed by otto again
June 18th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
No shame in your game, Maj. Great reference.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
seems like a stand up guy to me.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
“Weekend at Bernie’s 2″ really answered a lot of questions left by “Weekend at Bernie’s” and gave me closure. Also, I heard Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silvermand had some kind of murder/suicide thing, but nobody noticed.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
I heard Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silvermand had some kind of murder/suicide thing, but nobody noticed.
Right. It was called “Weekend at Bernie’s 2.” There were no survivors.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
I knew that maniacal Rat was behind the whole thing. Thanks for shedding light on what happens when you leave the Broncos for the Raiders. Maybe other players will learn a lesson from this.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
I’ll bet the goon was Bill Romanowski. That guy’s a real prick, but he’ll have his wife take the rap.
Or maybe it was Mike Shanahan; in the trial he’d call an unexpected time-out at the last second. Dick.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
is OJ still in prison? because like the old saying goes, once an Vegas hotel room invader, always a Vegas hotel room invader.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Wait, wait, wait….. You’re telling me the Raiders have a playbook? They have actual plays? And in case those plays don’t look like they’ll work, there’s hot routes? I call bullshit Maj.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Maybe it was Brett Favre? If Javon hadn’t held out and gotten traded, who knows how Brett’s final season would have ended?
Probably with Brett throwing an interception in OT against the Giants, but Javon could have taken some of the blame.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
Did any of the thugs look like they were “just having fun” pistol whipping him?
June 18th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
You’re telling me the Raiders have a playbook?
They do, but it’s just 348 pages with “Just win, baby!” written in crayon on each.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
They do, but it’s just 348 pages with “Just win, baby!” written in crayon on each.
Nice Otto Man
June 18th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
Wow, one of my very favorite Simpsons quotes and an apple newton reference in the same day? How did I get so lucky?
Oh, and has anyone actually seen Bernie’s 2? It’s one of the most ludicrously plotted films of all time; beyond comprehension.
June 18th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Where was Javon’s “Pride & Poise”? Al Davis would be rolling in his grave. Wait a sec…
June 18th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
I thought all the money melons belonged to Marisa Miller.
June 18th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
@Gino:
Maybe not his grave, but perhaps his coffin.
SUPER FUN HAPPY SLIDE!!!
June 18th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
I call bullshit. Doesn’t Shanny have a 1000 page playbook? No way anyone but a linebacker could down that in one sitting.
Besides, what’s worth saving about a bible-sized book that just says “ice the kicker” on every page?
June 18th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
Javon Walker is my new favorite NFLer
June 18th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
fucking broncos! i thought it was al davis this whole time. you know because he got robbed a few months ago. $27M over 3 years i think…
June 18th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
@swing4: -1
Gino beat me to the icing reference.
June 18th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
it’s just 348 pages with “Just win, baby!” written in crayon on each
… and spattered with globs of Brylcreem …
June 18th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
[...] probably put it best at KSK when he — not actually interviewing Walker, mind you — described Javon’s sixth [...]
June 18th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
I was gonna say it might have been Packers fans still mad about the holdout, but Animal Mother could also be right.
June 18th, 2008 at 9:07 pm
You should’ve asked him when he’ll change his middle name to “Gonnaneeda.”
June 18th, 2008 at 11:32 pm
I heard you can contract gonnaneeda from a tractor seat.
June 18th, 2008 at 11:58 pm
Javon’s time in Wisconsin must have given him some kind of horrible, locally-contagious brain virus that made him stupider. Wisconsin will do that to a man. Relocation and recovery treatment in Oakland, CA is NOT recommended by 4 out of 5 doctors.
June 19th, 2008 at 12:12 am
Outstanding Maj.
June 19th, 2008 at 12:20 am
There are pictures of him spraying champagne all over people – the same thing was going on the night D. Williams was shot to death. You’d think he’d LEARN.
June 19th, 2008 at 12:30 am
Suge Knight was unavailable for comment.
June 19th, 2008 at 8:09 am
Honeydew is far superior to any other melon. Honeydew is the Tiger Woods of melons.
June 19th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
Javon will not utter the name of his former team, simply referring to them as ‘that team’. Thats why I think this interview may be a fake.
June 19th, 2008 at 11:04 pm
Whoa, Walker’s a bigger hero than Tedy Bruschi
June 20th, 2008 at 3:28 am
[...] Oh, wait, Javon says this is what really happened. – Kissing Suzy Kolber [...]