KSK Off-Topic: Your Guide to Bitching About the Heat
Brooklyn, New York, present dayActually, no. This isn’t a guide at all. It’s too fucking hot to piece together the necessary expository skills to create something as useful as a guide.
Maybe you’re in one of the places in the country that isn’t having its fourth consecutive humid day in the high 90s. If that’s the case, fuck you. But for those of you who ARE suffering at the moment, you’re no doubt having to withstand the insipid and inevitable small-talk conversation that always, always, ALWAYS goes like this:
Guy: “Man, it’s hot.”
You: “SO hot.”
Guy: “I mean really hot.”
You: “Seriously.”
Well, fuck that. Spice it up. Show that fucker that he doesn’t know hot, YOU know hot. Mix it up with these handy phrases:
- “It’s Africa hot.”
- “It’s Do The Right Thing hot.”
- “It’s Officer Miller hot.” (”A man’s not supposed to notice or say anything, he’s just supposed to stand there with a big smile on his face. Stand there, in his thick, scratchy, blue uniform. Maybe he forgot to wear his t-shirt that day, and his nipples are on fire! Because they’ve been rubbed raw against the stiff wool…” )
- “Tarzan couldn’t take dis kinda hot!” (Biloxi Blues)
- “Hotter’n two cats fucking in a wool sock.”
- “Today on the countryside it was a-hotter than a crotch/I stood alone upon the ridge and all I did was watch” (Bob Dylan, “Tough Mama”)
- “What is this, a Faulkner novel?”
- “I can’t tell whether my ass is sweating or if this is just diarrhea.”
- “I feel like Korey Stringer.”
So… maybe not that last one.
Tags: captain caveman, it's worse in Iraq, ksk group posts, KSK off topic
June 10th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Due to the heat and economic situation, I made soup with my ball drippings.
June 10th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
almost made it without mentioning that it’s worse in Ir-
Damn it, I want to know where it’s worse!
Iran?
Injured Reserve?
June 10th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Let’s see.
It’s HANSEL hot?
June 10th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
@UM - fixed it to dispel the mystery
June 10th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
“Hey kids, you thirsty?”
June 10th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Too hot to fuck.
June 10th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
It’s hot enough to make old people die.
June 10th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
It’s hot, too.
June 10th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
is fucking freezing in my office. so wearing shorts and a t shirt, though necessary, makes my day a living hell once i set foot inside my building, and when i leave to walk to grand central, i will be relieved to get into the heat for about 5 seconds until it becomes stifling. fuck my life
June 10th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
@porky1 I hate you!
June 10th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Too drunk to fuck.
June 10th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Hot enough to kill old people.
June 10th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
@Captain, fuck! But mine sounde better
@ Pemulis, fuckyou! I have to wear a fancy shirt and long pants, and sweat my ass off on the way-in…
June 10th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
The H. is O.
June 10th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
“Well, my mother abandoned me when I was three years old, so.. I look for women who will love me for a little while, and then go away. You know, Billy, I feel the best kind of woman is the one who’s guaranteed to someday not be there.”
June 10th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Ah yes…the old it’s Too hot to fuck line…I have heard that many a time haha
June 10th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
here in chicago its beeeeautiful. And hey, we had to endure the heat a few days ago but at least our crappy midwestern neighboring states have the presence of mine to brew up some tremendously destructive and potentially lethal super-cell thunderstorms to crack that shitty humidity in half. What does Brooklyn have? New jersey? Westchester? Pennsyl-fucking-vania?
June 10th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
Well played, Grimey.
June 10th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
“It’s hotter than shit.”
June 10th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
“It’s hotter than the devil’s taint.”
June 10th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
“It’s hotter than Halle Berry naked on a zebra.”
June 10th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
It’s John Woo stuntman hot!
/78 degrees where I am, so fuck me indeed
June 10th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
Maybe you’re in one of the places in the country that isn’t having its fourth consecutive humid day in the high 90s. If that’s the case, fuck you.
I’m looking at you, Pacific Northwest.
June 10th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
It’s Buster Poindexter “Hot Hot Hot” hot!
/shooting self in kneecap
June 10th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
“it’s gonna be hot and wet. that’s nice if you’re with a lady, but aint no good if you’re in the jungle”
June 10th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
It’s hotter than Joan of Arc’s going-away party out heah!
June 10th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
But it’s a dry heat.
/Arizona’d
June 10th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
It’s too hot to scissor.
June 10th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
“It’s only June.”
June 10th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
It’s 16 year old gymnast hot.
June 10th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
Its hotter than a sinners ass on suday <— Grand Fathers favorite expression during Texas summers.
I prefer:
Fuck me in the goat’s ass its hot!
June 10th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
It’s hotter than Amy Winehouse’s vomit out heah!
June 10th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
“It’s crematorium hot” - Pringles inventor
June 10th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
I once heard Ichiro say, “Kansas City in the summer is hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock.”
That was funny.
June 10th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
it’s only 95 here… it’s what we call “spring” weather.
/Houston resident.
June 10th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
It’s global warming hot.
June 10th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
I haven’t felt heat like this since Poland, 1938.
June 10th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
It’s Fernando Torres-to-David Villa hot.
Yes, I referenced the other football. Chalk it up to consecutive days with a heat index over 100 degrees. Mmmmm you can practically taste that code red air quality!
June 10th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
It’s so hot it’s actually rolled over and become cold.
June 10th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
It’s hotter than a sweaty nutsack inside a jockstrap covered with a golden lamé thong.
Oh and Pemulis, if I see a person in a t-shirt and shorts running to Grand Central today I’m gonna douse them with hot cooking grease so they know what it’s like for the rest of us. If you see this on the news tonight, it wasn’t me…
June 10th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
@Francois- You beat me to the AZ line. It’s been 100 here for days, but like you said, it’s a dry heat. Or something…
June 10th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
It’s hot! Damn hot! Real hot! Hottest thing is my shorts. I could cook things in it. A little crotch pot cooking!
June 10th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Dr. Hibbert: It happens every heat wave. Okay people, out of my freezer!
Abe: But we’re hot and elderly.
Dr. Hibbert: I’m sorry; these are for the recently deceased. (to Hans Moleman) Hmm, don’t you go too far.
June 10th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
@porky1 you are the worst human being on the planet, I will now spend my last hour of work figuring out how to kill you, your children, and the rest of the inbred swine you call a family
Just for you porkster, its DELIVERANCE hot
June 10th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
It’s hotter than a bistered pussy in a pepper patch.
June 10th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
And now here’s Ollie Williams with the Black-U-Weather forecast:
“I’M BURNIN’ UP.”
Thanks for that Ollie.
June 10th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
@Smitty
The best part is, I live in Pittsburgh. But believe me, we have plenty of old people here that wish they could live where “it’s a dry heat” and bitch incessantly to that effect.
June 10th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
It’s hotter than a Japanese schoolgirl in Hiroshima.
June 10th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Squeal?
June 10th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
@jackin: that seems fair, and thanks for the heads up so i know to cover my eyes and crotch when i see hot grease come flying my way
June 10th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
It’s hotter than the back of Mark McGwire’s neck out heah!
June 10th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
+2 to porky1 for the Zoolander reference
+5 to Grimey for the Dead Kennedys reference
-10 to me for this one:
It’s hotter than Rosie O’Donnell’s underboob after walking from the couch to her fridge
June 10th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
It’s hotter than a 7th grader in a jacuzzi.
/Polanski’d
June 10th, 2008 at 5:36 pm
It’s hotter than the ho chi minh trail out here
and
It’s hot as Jebralter
June 10th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
It’s hotter than a burning factory full of under aged seamstresses.
/// Labor reformed
June 10th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
It’s hotter than the fire Billy Joel didn’t start out heah!
June 10th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
It’s hotter ‘n a warehouse a fugazy clothes, handbags and Rolexes in Chinatown.
June 10th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
It’s hotter than a stadium full of North Korean generals out heah!
June 10th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
Gebraltar > Jebralter
June 10th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
It’s so hot I gotta put my bling in the chilla to re-freeze my ice.
/icy hot stuntaz‘d
June 10th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
It’s hotter than two blind dykes on a tuna boat.
/read every comment to make sure that one had not been used.
//of course it hadn’t, it’s stupid.
June 10th, 2008 at 6:26 pm
It’s hotter than a monkey orgy on a bon fire.
June 10th, 2008 at 6:26 pm
Or Buzz fuckin’ a horse.
/stale
June 10th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
@ denvergodfather
ALWAYS one of my faves!
June 10th, 2008 at 6:49 pm
Its hotter than Dennis Quaid’s smile fresh out of the oven.
June 10th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
I’d like to point out that it fucking snowed for 3 1/2 hours this morning in Idaho. Snow. In fucking June. Not in the mountains. We’ll gladly take your damn heat wave, you whiny little east coast bitches.
June 10th, 2008 at 6:56 pm
It;s hotter than a Puerto Rican credit card
It’s hotter than a snakes’ ass in a wagon rut
June 10th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
It’s hotter than your Social Security number
June 10th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
It’s hotter than today’s West Coast temperature of 70.
June 10th, 2008 at 7:31 pm
Fuck all of you, I live in Seattle. I’d give up my left nut for a little heat and humidity. Instead, all I get is rain…lot’s and lot’s of rain.
June 10th, 2008 at 7:42 pm
The heat is on
/Glen Frey’d (fried?)
June 10th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
it’s about 75 here in santa cruz, ca right now (5pm) in case y’all were wondering.
“it’s hot as balls in here”
June 10th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
“It’s hot enough to boil a monkeys bum”
June 10th, 2008 at 9:07 pm
It’ws hotrter than Michael Irvin’s crack pipe the day he got off probation.
June 10th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
God damn fat fingers.
June 10th, 2008 at 9:10 pm
Its hotter than… oh wait, yeah, Chicago has been relieved today after 5 days of southeast asian weather. getting out of the shower and immediately sweating really kindof defeats the purpose of showering.
June 10th, 2008 at 9:33 pm
It’s hotter than five faggot foxes fucking in a forest fire.
June 10th, 2008 at 9:43 pm
I work in a kitchen. FUCK YOU ALL.
June 10th, 2008 at 9:57 pm
It’s hotter than Kim Kardashian’s cooch after…well…after about anytime
/she’s radioactive
June 10th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
It’s so hot that King doesn’t have to use lube on Favre.
June 10th, 2008 at 10:48 pm
Fuck you, it’s mid 90’s and 100% humidity 100 days a year in Florida with daily thunderstorms that feature hail and high winds, interspersed with the occasional killer hurricane that creates riots at gas stations as they approach and leave. Stop your bitching.
June 10th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
it’s hotter than a milf at a pta function looking for an occasion of opportunistic sodomy. color me there.
June 10th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
It just rained chocolate outside…awwww man it’s poop
June 11th, 2008 at 12:52 am
Today was one of 3 decent days STL is allowed each year. I have a feeling we’ll see 98* and 90% humidity just in time for my daughter’s tee-ball game this weekend.
June 11th, 2008 at 12:57 am
Pretty much everywhere, it’s gon’ be hot…
http://youtube.com/watch?v=940rzFtFNbs
June 11th, 2008 at 2:22 am
Y’all think you got the snark. Here’s your chance.
http://store.johnmccain.com/ProductDetails.asp?ProductCode=FDR2583
Yeah I went political. Deal with it.
June 11th, 2008 at 7:04 am
I see you can also buy a Polo shirt embroidered with the McCain logo. Available in the color of “kiwi.”
I’m betting the collar on that one is permanently popped.
June 11th, 2008 at 7:40 am
Holy crap, that’s funny.
Putting out campaign-themed golf gear for an old white Republican is tone deaf, but opening the site up for reviews from the residents of these here intertubes?
I think this one was written by Drew: “Your ballbag is just what I have been looking for, not too fuzzy. Only problem, how do I get the wrinkles out?”
Read them all before the tech guy gets fired.
June 11th, 2008 at 8:38 am
It’s hotter than “too hot in the hot tub” hot.
June 11th, 2008 at 9:04 am
Ain’t no cure for the summertime blues.
June 11th, 2008 at 9:09 am
@Gut Out: The Who version or Alan Jackson version?
June 11th, 2008 at 9:12 am
/yes I know there are other covers but I like those two best.
//blow me
June 11th, 2008 at 9:15 am
Hotter than a $5 pistol on a Saturday night
June 11th, 2008 at 9:40 am
It’s not so bad out today
June 11th, 2008 at 9:47 am
further proof that new york is comprised almost entirely of gianormous pussies who genuinely believe that the entire universe revolves around them. “waaaaaaaaaaaah, its hot out.” “waaaaaaaaaah, i’m not used to this kind of heat.” “waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, the garbage and the sewage smells worse when steaming.”
sack up, you pussybaskets. you wouldn’t last 5 fucking days in dade county
June 11th, 2008 at 9:50 am
I’ll never understand people bitching about the heat up here in NY, especially when in about 6 months from now they’ll be begging for 90+ degree heat when it is 20 degrees outside and they are staring at 2 feet of snow on the ground.
June 11th, 2008 at 9:59 am
I escaped from the East Coast and live in San Diego, so all you who are left have no one to blame but yourselves. (cue Nelson) “Ha ha!”
June 11th, 2008 at 10:03 am
@ Rocco: The Who
It’s so hot my Patriots helmett tatoo sweated off my head.
June 11th, 2008 at 10:10 am
The good people of Portland, Oregon point and laugh in your general direction.
June 11th, 2008 at 10:20 am
Hotter then your first piss after meeting a $5 crack whore
/so I’ve read
June 11th, 2008 at 10:28 am
As my old geology professor used to (inexplicably) say:
“It’s hotter than a nun’s cunt in August.”
June 11th, 2008 at 10:44 am
Welcome to summer in Alafuckingbama. 95 degrees, 95% humidity, 95 days in a row.
…bunch of pansy-asses.
June 11th, 2008 at 10:55 am
It’s hotter than my asshole the day after a habanero eating contest.
/just dab; don’t wipe
June 11th, 2008 at 10:56 am
Even though it far cooler out today I still wore shorts and a t shirt and it is again freezing in my office. i had to throw on a sweat shirt. WAAAAAHHH
June 11th, 2008 at 10:57 am
It’s Guatemalan Insanity Pepper hot.
June 11th, 2008 at 11:01 am
It’s hotter than a whore house on nickle night in Juarez in August
June 11th, 2008 at 11:02 am
Rocco, Gut Out: How about the original Eddie Cochran version, for Christ’s sake? Fucking retards.
And, seriously, Alan Jackson?
Yeah, it’s hot here too.
June 11th, 2008 at 11:04 am
It is much nicer today. Decided to go with a full suit so I can still whine about the heat. Maybe I’ll move to Dade County or Alafuckingbama or Portshittingland so I can appreciate what they’re going through.
Nah, fuck that, New York is the center of the universe.
Oh, did I mention the skimpy outfits worn by the HOT women here when the temps skyrocket? No? Ok, don’t worry about it, you’re not missing anything.
June 11th, 2008 at 11:13 am
@ jackin: the only problem is that the ugly women here also switch to the skimpy outfits when the temps skyrocket. Don’t get me wrong, I’d rather have the hot ladies and the gross ladies being skanky, but still…
June 11th, 2008 at 11:14 am
What Jackin’ said.
It may have been nutsack-dropping hot in NYC this weekend, but the scenic views more than make up for that. Hell, it even makes up for the aroma of street-baked urine.
I’m not sure if the rest of you know this, but you’re allowed to move from the swamplands out to other parts of the country. You don’t need a passport or nuthin’!
June 11th, 2008 at 11:28 am
@Pemulis: You’re right about that, but somehow the ugly ones blend into the background when the hot ones are sashaying by. I don’t know what it is, but something…forces…my…eyes…away…from…the…ugly…ones.
@Otto: Ahhhhh…the fresh smell of street-baked urine in the morning…thank God for the thunderstorms last night.
June 11th, 2008 at 11:31 am
the problem is that before i notice ugly i go “oooh tank top… boobs” then you start to scan up a bit and its like “OH FUCK NO”
June 11th, 2008 at 11:51 am
@ claude balls: Yes, I know who originally wrote the song. I like The Who and Alan Jackson versions. Yes, seriously, Alan Jackson.
Here’s the problem with NYC: women there are either 10’s or 4’s. There’s no in between. So yes, the 10’s in skimpy outfits are nice to look at, but unless you get invited to parites that serve Hypnotinis, you ain’t nailing any of them. I’ll take me the nice 7’s and 8’s dressed like that and be on our way, thank you.
June 11th, 2008 at 11:53 am
I’ve had a serious case of niagara balls the past couple of days.
June 11th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
[...] 11, 2008 · No Comments KSK has some excellent ways to describe it. My favorite: - “Tarzan couldn’t take dis kinda hot!” (Biloxi Blues) - “I can’t tell [...]
September 17th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
its kool