KSK Off-Topic – Worst Drivers In America By Make
I live suburban Maryland and work in suburban Virginia. To get to work every day, I have to cover a 10-mile stretch of the Capitol Beltway, one of the absolute worst roadways in America. Washington is #2 on the list for worst traffic in the nation, and it’s a well-earned accolade.
In my over four years of commuting on the Beltway, I have encountered pretty much every kind of bad driver you can think of. I’ve seen it all. I’ve seen Pennsylvania drivers who appear to have stepped into a motor vehicle for the very first time. I’ve seen Asian drivers who lack the ability to see any car on the road except their own. I’ve been tailgated by any number of redneck jalopies with ABORTION STOPS A BEATING HEART bumper stickers.
I’ve encountered drivers who refuse to either speed up or slow down as I try to merge onto the Beltway, going the EXACT same speed as me in order to, for whatever reason, run me off the road. I guess they weren’t happy about my Blog Show appearance. I’ve run into drivers who are constantly lightly tapping down on their brake pedals, so that their brake lights come on without them ever actually slowing down. I’ve seen any number of unmarked vans make the “swerve over three lanes to get on the exit ramp” move. I’ve seen drivers in downtown DC who just stop in the middle of the road for no reason. I’ve seen people go 40 in the left-hand lane.
I’ve encountered off duty policemen riding their Kawasaki Ninjas at over 4,000,000 mph. I’ve seen any number of families pulled over on the side of the road, not because they’re broken down, but because they wanted to use the shoulder as a kind of makeshift rest stop. I don’t want to say those people are usually black, but yeah, they’re usually black. I’ve sat behind cell phone users, Blackberry users, iPhone users, Apple Newton users, Koala Pad users, etc. If there’s an electronic device to operate recklessly while driving a motor vehicle, I’ve seen a driver use it.
From my experience, I have become not just an expert in shitty driving, but also a bad driving enthusiast. They’re just such a diverse group of retarded people. It’s quite fascinating. Often, my better half and I will try and figure out who the very worst of the lot are. Not by racial stereotype, mind you. That would be wrong. Also, we’ve already done it.
No, we’ve tried to break it down strictly by make. Which brand of car engenders the shittiest driving? Well, here is my Top 5. Keep in mind that I spend at least two hours a day dodging these accident-seeking missiles. I’m also the occasional bad driver myself. So I know of what I speak. A couple qualifiers here:
-No semis are on the list. We all know semis are fucking awful.
-No old cars on the list. Any old, banged up car with a shitload of bumper stickers obviously houses a dumbfuck motorist.
-No motorcycles. Again, they’re all terrible.
-No buses. God, I hate bus drivers.
-No high-end sports cars like Ferrari, because they’re too rare. Porsche is right on the edge.
-No individual models.
Anyway, right to the Top 5:
1. BMW
Second place isn’t even close. Beamer drivers are, bar none, the most selfish, pushy, assholic drivers on the American road. Every BMW driver I’ve encountered seems genuinely offended that they have to share the road with me. They tailgate with almost a 100% frequency. And they are constantly, CONSTANTLY, trying to show off their Beamer’s speed and handling. Hey fuckhead, you’re not on the fucking Nürburgring. Take off the fucking driving gloves and find an embankment to crash into.
2. Volkswagen
I’ve been vehicularly harassed by too many Volkswagens to count. These fucking yuppie chicks with their zippy little fucking bugs. Jesus. I blame the whole “Drivers wanted” campaign. “We want people who love to drive! Who want to take advantage of our German engineering to cut off multiple cars on the road in just seconds!” Put down the fucking Starbucks, turn down the Nick Drake, and take your fucking foot off the gas. You overpaid for a German Buick. Your car is a poorly thought out, overpriced piece of shit. Go buy a Prius like every other liberal asshole. Das auto? More like Das cockpumper.
3. Saturn
A different kind of company. A different kind of fucking idiot. Yes, Saturn. The car for people who don’t know what kind of car they want. Designed in Japan. Built in America. Driven, apparently, by epileptics. It’s as if they aren’t even using the steering wheel. Quite amazing, really.
4. Lexus
I’m convinced 50% of all DC Lexus drivers are between 16 and 17 years old. Yes, if you’ve always wanted Daddy to buy you a luxury car and pay off the DMV inspector before your driving test, Lexus is the way to go for you.
5. Lincoln
Lincoln makes two kinds of cars: The Town Car, for insane car service drivers, and, of course, the Navigator. I don’t know why it’s called the Navigator. Drivers of that car don’t seem to have sketched out a navigational plan of any sort. Perhaps it’s because Navigator drivers are usually filthy rich suburban housewives trying to calm down the seven kids sitting the back.
So, to all you haughty Beamer drivers, all you overly-peppy VW drivers, and all you clueless Saturn, Lexus, and Lincoln drivers, let me just say…
HOOOOOOONKKKKKKKK!
ASSSSSSSHOOOOOOOLES!
Tags: ain't too wild about people in Ford either, Big Daddy Drew, minus points if you're a Florida driver, off-topic
June 18th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Any woman driving an SUV with a bumper sticker shaped like a soccer ball chatting on a cell phone and glancing in the backseat at their overfed, mutant spawn can die a slow death.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Little old ladies with huge Cadillacs – they can’t even see over the F’n steering wheel.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Buick.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Ditto on the beamer. I live in a town where seemingly everybody and their cousin drives one of those fucking things.
Then again, my town is over 70% Chinese . . .
June 18th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
SAAB and Volvo are real close to making this list. The assholes that drive those are just poorer versions of the assholes that drive BMWs.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
ABORTION STOPS A SHITTY DRIVER
June 18th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Any vehicle that still has a Bush ‘04 sticker on it…you can almost smell the sense of entitlement over the smell of your own burning mangled flesh after they merge into your passenger seat doing 90…
June 18th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
let me guess, you drive a Scion. Hate on hater.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
6. Any car with a Rhode Island license plate on it.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
BMW is definitely tops here in Chicago, followed closely by the Chevy Astro Van, followed closely by any van without back windows. These are usually driven by illegals, contractors, or florists. They’re talking on their Nextel Connect 98% of the time. Get the “tweet” out of the left lane jerks.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
7. Toyota Prius, you will choke on the smugness coming from those things.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Jersey drivers are by far the worst of the fucking lot, and that includes me. How about those little college or just graduated college shitheads in their little Mazdas or Honda Accords. Die, die, die.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Technically there are no Florida drivers. Everybody who lives in Florida is from another state, so its just a collection of the worst fucking drivers from every other state in the Union.
Oh, and Nissan drivers can fuck off and die. Especially the Altimas, which are on average 15 years old and driven by high school kids who stole mommy’s car keys.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Wow, no votes for Hummer yet. Just becasue you spent $200 to fill-up your ugly ass truck doesn’t mean you own the fucking road.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
UU, Rhode Islanders can’t hold a candle to the insanity of any SUV with Marylnd license plates.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Subarus for idiot lesbians who just can’t understand why the WBNA isn’t making it.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
Ford. For the sole reason that they make a pickup truck. Out of the 800 million F-150’s on the road, 799 million of them are driven by 100% assholes. I have yet to see anyone driving a pickup truck give any indication that they have a functioning brain, let alone know how to operate a vehicle. Fuck off and die.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
I don’t know about the make, but if you see an old Asian woman behind the wheel, be somewhere other than the street. Or the sidewalk. Or the booth of the Village Inn just off the street.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
What I want to know is, what kind of car does BDD drive?
Oh, and also, the use of the word “jalopies” took me back to the days of reading Hardy Boys stories, so that’s always nice.
@devang: I fall into that category (Accord), but what I really hate are the guys on bikes that ride between lanes. I’d be perfectly willing to sacrifice my car to see one of them go flying 300 feet and have their head take root in the asphalt. Fucking pieces of shit.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
I was just up in DC/B’more last weekend. Do Audi’s count? I’d say so since they’re basically right between BMW and VW (and made by the latter).
June 18th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Seeing as how I live and work in the city and never get on the interstate, I’m more concerned with the crazy douchebags who think that if they decide they want to cross the street traffic will stop for them. Even if it’s a four lane road in which every one is going 50. And that they should walk as slow as they possibly can across the street. But yeah, people who drive VWs suck balls too.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Nissan was #6 on my list.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
@ reservewindyplacekickerholder: Hey. I’m still driving my first and only car: a 1995 Nissan Pathfinder. I am a model driver, thank you.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
/agrees with devang
/stabs Honda Accord drivers from NJ, 95% of which are between the ages of 16-19
June 18th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Fine, fuck you too BDD.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
/ with love BDD.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
I work in downtown DC. I can’t stand the people that swerve into other lanes every time they pass a cyclist. It’s a fucking bike messenger, not the neighborhood retard out for a joyride. They’ll avoid you if you just drive normal. Ninety percent of the time, those people are in a Mercedes SUV with Maryland plates.
They’re also the ones that stop in the middle of Connecticut Ave every time their GPS says, “recalculating.” Morons.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
“I don’t want to say those people are usually black, but yeah, they’re usually black.”
Tawmmy from Quinzee approves of this message.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Lincoln Towncars and their owners, particularly from Florida, can go fuck themselves silly.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
And I’m from Florida.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Nice “A Fish Called Wanda” reference.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Any car driven by Leonard Little.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Judging by the amount of makes BDD hates on, his only recourse must be to drive a Renault.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
I’m going with Jaguar for BDD. Very pretentious.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
VW’s are driven by two types of people: Hot chicks, and homosexual men. Or is it man and hot homosexual chick…no, i was right the first time.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
I have seen nothing as bad as the driving that we have down in South Florida. And yes, most of them drive BMWs. It’s pretty much a “merge now, let God sort them out” attitude.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
On the west coast, Mercedes Benz drivers would be 1b). They all adhere to the “if I don’t see you, you don’t exist” rule, which is a fucking catastrophe because they drive like they have blinders on and don’t see anyone…cutting anyone and everyone off, jacking parking spaces, or parking in two spaces at once. There’s also a decent sized crew of Lamborghini drivers that suck infinite amounts of yambag. Anyone who pays $350k for a car that goes 180mph, and uses it to sit in bumper-to-bumper traffic on the 405, is a colossal asshat.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Women.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
@ SLaird
I’m from Miami myself dude and that place is fucked (I now live in NYC, which is a whole other shitshow). The 836 circa 5pm is a goddamn hell hole and licenses are given out with every loaf of pan cubano.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
As an epileptic I find it insulting that you would insinuate we drive Saturns. I would never touch a Saturn even if I had no other choice. I drive a 93 Altima for god’s sake.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
First time, long time here….+1 to Drew for hitting it right on the head. I grew up in NY and it seemed every self-entitled hotshit stockbroker douchebag I saw drove a white BMW. Having just moved back up north after 8 years in Miami, it’s both comforting and horrifying to know nothing’s changed (some switched to Hummers, but karma took care of those dipshits). My true comfort comes from now knowing those asshats were all living in their moms’ basements and spent every penny they had on that car. That’s all for now…having lived in Miami I have so much hate on this subject I could go on for at least a few more posts.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
I used to live in L.A., where the freeways were packed to the gills and I *thought* we had terrible drivers. Now I live in Albuquerque. Five minutes of slow traffic at rush hour on a bad day. And I’d like to say…I’D RATHER DRIVE IN OLD MEXICO THAN NEW MEXICO. More fucking dentists and computer engineers on Harleys and Ninjas clogging up the road than you can imagine, with no helmet laws (unfortunately, I haven’t seen one of these tools as red skidmarks yet.) The car drivers are no better…I think I’ve seen three properly used turn signals since I’ve been here. I pass a minimum of twenty accidents a week. I’ve had Asian ladies blocking one way streets while facing the wrong way looking more lost and confused than Pacman Jones at a spelling bee.
Seriously, give me the 405 North any day of the week. Assholes, yes, but most of them can steer.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
How the fuck did an SUV not crack your top five? Not one?
The Jersey Turnpike is jammed with idiot suburban housewives driving their hellspawn around in giant Chevy Suburbans, the seat moved all the way forward so they can pretend to see over the wheel. Blind lane-changes, random acceleration and braking, and a general obliviousness to everyone around them. “I bought it because it’s safe!” Yeah, for you, maybe, but no one else.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
I drive a used Audi.
Hate away.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Idiots sporting the “Jesus Fish” are by far the worst drivers, no matter what make of car.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
Also, the Hummer. There’s a reason that car was named after a blowjob, as anyone who drives it has no dick and sucks royally.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
How the fuck did an SUV not crack your top five? Not one?
Otto, all top five brands have SUV models.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
‘Audi’ means ‘gay’ in some language, right?
June 18th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
I stand corrected. As long as they’re in there.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Do you play your cassingles in your Audi?? Somebody get me a fuckin’ Pogoball to jump on.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
7) Ohio drivers. Did you know “Ohio” is Sioux for “drive in the left lane 5 mph below the speed limit”
Completely true American Indian fact that I just made up.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Idiots sporting the “Jesus Fish” are by far the worst drivers, no matter what make of car.
true
that’s because “Thou shall drive like shit” is the 11th commandment.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
A used R8 probably.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
“Any vehicle that still has a Bush ‘04 sticker”
on that thought, remove that fucking sticker you lazy douche, the election was 4 years ago. Even lazier and douchier, people with Kerry-Edwards 04 stickers. they fucking loss you fucking loser. Please remove the bumper sticker.
/end rant
June 18th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Ranger Rover – guys that drive these are a particular breed of douchebag.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
bmw – roadster drivers are the scum of the earth. gargle my ball hair, ass ticklers
mercedes benz – fuck them
ford – mainly the truck drivers
toyota suv/prius – fucking die already. being stuck behind a prius driver going uphill is the new chinese water torutre.
volkswagen – for the exact reasons BDD stated
then again i live in california, so i see bad driving all day, every day. it’s hard to limit to types of cars.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Mini Cooper hippies.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
What aboiut Mini Coopers?
June 18th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
devang:
beat me to it.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
I drive a Saturn, I live in Chicago, I cut you off.
* All SUVs, Vans or other over-sized monstrosities with tinted fucking windows. Why the gawddamn tinted fucking windows?! Giant, bug-eyed sunglasses don’t do enough to protect your precious last brain cell from the sun?!? $400 a month in gas enough for those two times a year you haul the dog to the vet? Fucks.
* And +10 to BDD for the fucking weirdos who match you in speed while merging onto an expressway…Also worth mentioning knockers of cock who come off an entrance ramp so slow that all traffic already on expressway has to slow down.
* I sometimes play Grand Theft Auto just to destroy the traffic.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Mimi Coopers were used in The Italian Job. I think they get an exemption.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Any Lexus SUV makes me instantly hostile.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
I drive a used Audi.
Does your wife know you talk about her like that?
June 18th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
17 – 20 year old women driving chevys. They are even worse than asian drivers who drive in their own little worlds.
These women want to race off lights, cut in front of you at every opportunity, don’t use blinkers, don’t use the correct lane for turning. In short they drive like they have roid rage. Just because they have non-saggy tits and tight bottoms with creamy skin and lustrous hair and beatiful white teeth and are eager to experiment sexually, wha where was I? Oh fuck it.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Suburu Outbacks, no question
June 18th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
Regardless of make or model of car, I think we can agree that we all think we’re the best fucking drivers on the road since Ford began mass producing cars.
The End.
/hates all manner of SUVs.
//PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN!
///DRIVE ASSHOLE DRIVE!!!
////ARRRRRGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!
June 18th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
Acura’s: Driven mainly by rich assholes who still have a love for “street racing.”
/any car with chrome on the windshiled wipers or neon around the license plate.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
ford is a close second to the BMW. I work in a shop, and I replace more clutches in mustangs than any other car, simply because the dicks who drive them out the loudest exhaust they can find and ride everyones ass in second gear. You have a mustang ass. Along with a million other people.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
So since everyone here seems to hate every car ever made, is it safe to assume you all own a Toyota? Fagbags.
/Enjoys driving 1997 Nissan Maxima that rumbles like an earthquake when it goes over 55 mph.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
SUVs: sometimes come in handy for lugging around hockey equipment, golf clubs, mountain bikes, skiis, etc., and 4×4 is pretty useful up around these here parts (Buffalo). Sorry SUV haters, but some cars just won’t get that done.
/ hates putting $4.19 a gallon gas in a 23 gallon tank once a week.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
Loudest exhaust they can buy.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
what no hate for Hyundai drivers?
June 18th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
It’s safe to assume that the drivers of the Lexus RX 330 are the worst people ever created by God. Because they are either a) a bitch soccer mom who is too busy yapping on her cell phone about what brand of McCormick spice to buy to notice she is currently driving 15 miles below the speed limit b) a douchebag who thinks he is hot shot because he drives a Lexus, even though it’s probably one of the most common cars in the country. Buy a Bugatti and I’ll be impressed asshole.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Excuse me…
Chrysler. Especially the “fake-ass Bentley” 300M, and including but not limited to the Crossfire convertible, Pacifica SUV, Sebring, and the soccer mom classic Town & Country. They’re all for the “watch my car’s value depreciate while simply turning the ignition set.” The 300M drivers really piss me off. You are not driving a luxury car, even though you almost could’ve bought one for the price.
Also, my brand new Nissan Altima says “Fuck off.”
June 18th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
what no hate for Hyundai drivers?
I assume they already hate themselves.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
My list is composed of Subaru in every single spot. Then again, I just spent four years in a city that got a lot of snow and also had a lot of Californian transplants there who had no idea how to drive in the snow. So what did they all buy? Subarus. If not, an Audi. I have a special kind of rage.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Oh sweet merciful 8 pound, 6 ounce Baby Jesus. I can’t even discriminate between brands anymore. I commute 35 miles each way on Chicago’s I-90/94. I have to get to work at 6am and leave at 3:30 just to avoid the shittiest traffic on God’s green Earth, and it STILL takes an hour and a half to get home.
As a general rule, regardless of brand, I hate anyone that drives an SUV. There is a special place in Hell for people that drive those fucking urban assault vehicles. And in that special place, there is an even more special place for people that drive a Hummer. If you buy a Hummer, there should be a judge and a police officer waiting at the lot to revoke your license, because you’re clearly too stupid to drive.
After that, fuck every douchebag i-banker or rich suburban housewife that drives some ridiculously overpowered luxury car. So your BMW 7-series has 400hp? That’s nice, except it doesn’t mean shit in bumper-to-bumper-can’t-break-10-mph-traffic. And if you’re going to ride my ass, don’t complain when I hit the brakes. My insurance is great. How’s yours?
To every dumbass college kid with a Honda, Nissan, Toyota, VW, whatever: turn in your car keys. You don’t have to buy a Hummer for the rest of us to figure out you’re too stupid to drive. You don’t own the road, asshole. At least, not until you start paying taxes. And even then, you don’t own enough of it for me to give one shit, much less two.
For the record, if I could make one or both doors pop out and turn the fucking retarded motorcyclists into read smears on the pavement, I would. Again, your choice of vehicle indicates that you are clearly not smart enough to operate one.
If you have bumper stickers, you should be drawn and quartered as an example to the rest of humanity. I don’t care if your child is an honor student as some school I could give two shits about. If I were riding your ass, I would, in fact, pull your hair, but for that to happen you’d have to be ridiculously hot and in your mid-20s, which you clearly aren’t. And who you voted for in the last six Presidential elections matters to me about the same amount as how the Cubs are doing: so low, it actually causes me to care less about other, non-related things, like the spread of AIDS in Africa. Do you understand that? Because of you, I care less about the spread of AIDS in Africa! I was thinking about donating, but your dumbass bumper sticker made me not care about it. I’m sure that Ojibwe will be glad to know that because of you, his mommy died.
I can’t even express my hatred for taxis. Seriously. I can only describe it. The mere thought of taxi cabs makes me so angry, my blood pressure visibly rises (my best friend’s girlfriend, a nurse, has certified this as true) and I get red in the face. If I could ethnically cleanse taxi cab drivers (not by race, but by profession), I would.
For the record, I pretty much hate everyone that operates a motor vehicle, other than myself. So if you’re in Chicago, and see a guy driving a blue 2006 Honda Civic coupe with Indiana plates and wearing sunglasses with the windows up, know that I hate you too.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
Or the Kia, aka The Shitty Korean Car. Also, no mention of Volvo. Why? Because people who drive Volvos are pussies.
Basically, you’re fucked as a douche regardless of what car you drive. Unless you’re cool and drive a Geo like me. Boo-yah.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
I drive a used Audi.
I thought Sgt. Tackleberry only drove Police Cruisers
June 18th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Chevy makes the list too, if nothing else then for the 18 year-old sluts and d-bags who think they’re cool cause they have a “new” car, when it’s a $99/month leased Cobalt, as they drive off to the state college to become “teachers”, after being career C students. Thanks, but you’re not gonna educate my kids you retards.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Nice to see all the Hummer hate.
I think Patton Oswalt had it right. As soon as someone buys a Hummer, they should be knocked unconscious and taken to the Middle East. “Oh, you can drive your little gas guzzler, but you’re going to have to get the fucking oil out of the ground yourself.”
June 18th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
I thought Sgt. Tackleberry only drove Police Cruisers
Well played, devang.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
The H3 is bad enough. Who the fuck buys an H2?
June 18th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
I drive a Saturn SUV in Florida, but I can hate, right?
Eff any male who drives a Wrangler. That’s a car for hot beach chicks, ONLY.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Lot’s of SUV haterade here. Seriously?
June 18th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Lot’s of SUV haterade here. Seriously?
In your neck of the woods, maybe they’re warranted. But here on the East Coast, no one’s using their SUV to haul around skis or kayaks or whatever. No one. It’s just a horde of airhead suburban housewives driving their one kid to soccer practice. The closest they come to going off-road is if they’re parking near the practice field.
There was a guy on my old street who owned a Hummer. In New York Fucking City, where there’s not only no need for it, but the car’s so fucking mongoloid huge it can’t even fit on some side streets. Sweet Jesus. You might as well have just gotten the words “I HAVE A VERY, VERY TINY PENIS” tattooed on your forehead, buddy.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Any minivan. Any make or model. They smell of car pools, moms that aren’t MILFs talking on cell-phones, yelling at the kids and swerving into oncoming traffic all at the same time. Oh and never question their driving unless you want aa half-hour’s worth of self-righteous screeching.
Sorry you bew off the birth control, your ass grew 3 sizes and you had to sell your Miata – y’know, the one with your sorority sticker.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Damn. I was at a hot slut’s house the other night and she drives a Cobalt. In my defense, I tease her relentlessly about it.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Then she called my VUE a station wagon and I cried myself to sleep.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
@Otto: I concur. I can’t aruge the generalization that way too many soccer moms and fags drive SUVs, and have no need for one. Yes, I know you like the view of the road from up there. Yes, I know it fits your 5 illigitimate children easier than a sedan. Yes, I know it’s “cooler” than a station wagon or a mini-van. Fuck off.
I live in Jersey City for a year, and could never figure out why in the tri-state area that gets 3″ of snow a year, anyone needs a 4×4. Except me, of course.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
@Mark: I’d like to be at a hot slut’s house some night. Cobalt or not.
/getting divorced from hot slut.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
PG County drivers suck… especially in rush hour.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Geez y’all, take the Metro and chill out! Yikes.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
@Lisa: Buffalo lacks efficient public transportation:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buffalo_Metro_Rail
June 18th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
i love that the first two rants, and some of the more violent ones are people from chicago like myself. +1 to the lexus rx 330 rant. if you see one of those on the road, they WILL BE a terrible driver. i blame not only the douches who drive them, but any car with a built in gps that people cant TAKE THEIR EYES off of qualifies. i think there is only one highway in the world that has traffic at all times of the day – yes even at 3am, 10am or whenever. its the eisenhower. which is impossible for me to avoid. people turn into complete retards once they get on this highway.
i also have to rant here about the planners who plan construction on roads in chicago. yeah, lets take one of the busiest highways (the edens) and knock it down to only two lanes. and the dan ryan? only 3 out of 6 lanes functioning for what was it, 4 years? genious. oh yeah and lets redo 294 seven times before we get it right. i shudder to think what will happen when they finally have to do something with the ike. shutting down one lane at 2am causes a backup from oak park all the way into the city. just kill me now.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
I miss my 1988 Isuzu Trooper. Had the aerodynamics of a refrigerator box. Of course, gas was 89 cents then. Now I really don’t know what to buy. Subaru WRX? Would I get the bisexual women to notice me over and above the lesbians?
June 18th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
@Auksyte. I’m glad I didn’t have a car the summer I spent at U of C. Probably would’ve been jacked anyway.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
But Drew, unless your drive takes you through the Springfield “mixing bowl” every day, like mine did during all four years of high school, you know not of what you speak. Total cluster 24/7, mostly because of two things: the Wilson Bridge and fucking retard driver. And, Maryland drivers are the absolute worst (other than Asians and girls who aren’t me).
June 18th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
stop lights/signs are optional in Alabama. And surprisingly the road is filled with rich, entitled douchebags from Birmingham driving BMWs. At least in Tuscaloosa…not so much if you’re out in the sticks (other 99% of Alabama).
June 18th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Having lived in a couple of these towns, let’s just call out Houston. COME. ON. Two beltways and Texas still manages to make enough pickups to bottleneck millions.
Seriously. Y’all. HOUSTON. I live in Tampa now, and we got some bridges that slow us down for ninety minutes on Friday afternoon.
That said, I don’t know anything about L.A.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
I’m late to the party and I’m going to say full-size pickup trucks. Ever drive through a snow storm? No better sight than the truck that roared past you a half hour ago showing up in a huge snow bank. Every now and then there’s a fat chick in a Lumina on the side of the road, but it’s usually an untouchable pickup driver out for a spin.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
BTW I’d love to have the RX 330. Sweet ride.
/just wants a working A/C
June 18th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Van drivers are the biggest retards on the road. However they drive, it’s the exact opposite of how you’re supposed to drive in a given condition. Inclement weather? They drive too fast. The rest of the time, they’re 10 mph under the limit. They never signal or even attempt to check before they change lanes. They weave all over the road. They take two lanes to make any turn. They constantly hit the brake to slow down, the sign of truly shitty driving. I’m convinced people are required by some arcane law to score below “moron” on an IQ test before they can buy a van.
Lexus drivers are a pretty close second. Why are they so damn slow?
June 18th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
UZH:
I got rear-ended at a stop light one time in Birmingham, and when I got out to see what the asshole had done to my bumper, the middle-aged mullet-headed moron in the other car wouldn’t even get out at first. He was staring at me like I was taking up his time for not getting out of the way.
Only from Alabama could a fuckwit like Jeff Sessions could get elected to the Senate. Even Mississippi looks down on it.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
Certain license plates are a dead give-away. In Pennsylvania, cars with environmental plates are idiots. In Alabama, a car with an “Educator” tag is driven by a twenty-something year old thug, asshole who never graduated from high school.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Everytime i see a volvo on the road, i assume that person is in the bottom 1% in driving ability. most of the time, i’m proven right.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Certain license plates are a dead give-away.
Amen to that. Pro-Life plates are a sure sign it’s an elderly woman with no fucking clue.
Yes, abortion kills. Your shitty driving does too.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
I drive a BMW and I want to be mad, but I cant. Then again I live in stamford, CT where having a BMW puts you nowhere. Seriously, I’ve often been next, in front of and in back of a bimmer at the same time.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
I pretty much hate anyone who drives around with their kid or kids, all under the age of 10, who bounce around the back and front seats as their parents casually weave in and out of traffic as if they were on an episode of cops, again, and talking on the cell phone and/or smoking a cigarette. No matter how expensive the car, they are still white trash. I can see my insurance rates go up as I watch them.
I also hate the douchebags who, as they pull up to the toll booth decide that they can’t wait behind 3 cars, they need to make a right turn across 5 lanes of traffic to get into the lane with only 2 cars ahead of them. This is a favorite of folks who drive the Garden State Parkway here in New Jersey.
But since I must pick a vehicle, we’ll go with any Lexus. Without fail, you get behind one and the retard who is driving has forgotten how to operate it within 5 miles of the speed limit.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
Okay.
‘Lil bit racist…
I live in an apartment complex where it’s 70% Indian. There are NO slower, more timid drivers than this group. And they came from a country where I thought you had to be super-aggressive! Right? Competing with bikes, and livestock, and mopeds, and scooters. Nope. Brake lights and 0.4 mph for every speed bump.
I’M TRYING TO GET TO WORK!
They all drive Nissan Sentras. Just to bring it back to the make/model thing.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
Fucking Crown Vics.
Driven by the biggest assholes on the road, bar none.
But I’m on a motorcycle so none of you four-wheeled bitches can bother me, blue lights or not.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
I just realized there was no Monday Morning MILF, was there?
June 18th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
I have a buddy who lives in Boston. He told me that once he was driving on the freeway and he courteously slowed down to let another car merge into his lane. The car behind him laid on the horn obnoxiously. When he looked at the rear-view mirror, he saw that the driver was a tiny old lady flipping him off. Boston.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
how has no one mentioned old people in hats? old people are bad enough, but if that fucker is wearing a hat? you’re in trouble.
June 18th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Everytime i see a volvo on the road, i assume that person is in the bottom 1% in driving ability. most of the time, i’m proven right.
Some of us who drive Volvo’s do so to protect us from the rest of you assholes. Seriously, you could drive a Hummer at 90 over my S60, and I would walk away.
June 18th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
Mark,
I’m Indian and drive a Mazda 3. Most Indians are pretty nutjobby as drivers go from my experience. ;)
June 18th, 2008 at 5:36 pm
Honda CRV. Invariably driven by a confused elderly person, a dirty clueless hippie, a mom with nine screaming kids, or any combination of the three. No acceleration to boot. Always, always, always avoid the Honda CRV.
June 18th, 2008 at 5:48 pm
Drew, meet your perfect storm:
1) Female
2) BMW M3 driver
3) Former resident of (and driver in) DC, CA, NY, NJ, TX, FL, PA
I learned how to drive in a manual bimmer in Philly, and baring my current Jeep, owned and drove only BMW’s for all of my 16 year driving history. You could say I’m brand loyal.
I could rant endlessly about the fuckwittery I’ve seen, but I fear the subsequent rise in my blood pressure would trigger an aneurysm.
Are the majority of BMW drivers total window licking morons? Sure. I know every 20-year old Asian chick in a 3 series I ever had the displeasure of crawling behind on the 405 certainly was. Same goes for bloated sales execs in their 5 series, and soccer moms in the wagons. However, some people do actually buy BMW’s for their performance (as douchy as that sounds), not their assbag status.
During my worst commute, I spent two years driving six hours a day through Orange and LA counties in my M3. Did I tailgate and weave? Absofuckinglutely. Did I do it to show off? Not at all. I did it to spend the least amount of time enduring the hell described above.
I don’t have all goddamned day to sit behind every asshole in the world putting their time in on cruise control, yacking on the phone, yelling at their kids, and pushing their four cylinder minivan to the brink. That’s why God invented right hand lanes.
I can barely stand other people to begin with. Throw in six lanes and moving parts, and my desire to see a world populated only by me and cockroaches increases exponentially. So, I could give a shit what you think about my car, as I’m not driving it to get laid. Just the opposite, in fact. I’m driving it to get away from the rest of the mouth breathers that you and the commenters have described so well.
It is for the drivers like me that I implore you, when you see us coming up on you in your rear view mirror (which, of course, like good drivers you check religiously, instead of tuning out like you own the fucking road in what amounts to complete self-centered insensitivity to the other people with whom you share the freeway), GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY! That’s what I wanted everyone else to do when I was behind them, and, significantly, what I do now that I lumber around in the SUV and occasionally find one behind me. After all, I chose my current vehicle knowing full well that it can’t keep up with everything out there. So, why would I prevent someone who can go faster than me from doing so? Just to be an asshole? If that guy can drive that thing properly, power to him. If not, I’m insured, litigious, and tightly wound. May the best set of airbags win.
Phew, now I need to go chase down a pill with all the liquor in America.
June 18th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
Also, WOW, that comment didn’t look quite so long when I was typing it in the little comment box. Sorry to go all D-Fens on you.
June 18th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
being from Illinois the worst drivers by far are people from Wisconsin. In Illinois you can only pass on the left. What does that mean to wisconshit drivers? Dick. They always sit in the left no matter how much you ride their ass and when I do get to pass them they look at me like I’m the missing a chromosome. Fucking puds.
June 18th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
What do you call a Volvo going anything faster than 20 mph under the speed limit?
Stolen.
June 18th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
The US government is going to revoke Wisconsin’s statehood and replace it with either Canadia or Puerto Rico as our 50th State. Wisconsin will then be cordoned off and used as a testing site by NORAD to calibrate our missile defense system.
June 18th, 2008 at 6:37 pm
I live in Philly, and I’ve had to work all along the Eastern Seaboard, from the VA/NC border all the way up by Taahhhmy from Quinzeee in Bahston. I’ve had to drive all the freaking nightmare roadways. The Schyukill EXP, the Blue Route, the Jersey Turnpike, the Big Dig, the Beltway, downtown Manhattan. I’m immune to heavy traffic (but not bad drivers… more on that later). That’s why nothing sends me into more of a homicidal rage when I hear douchebags from Indianapolis or one of those “just-add-water” cities in the fucking Midwest with their 8-lane highways and more square-footage of asphalt than drivers complain about traffic. Asswipe, a 10 minute commute taking 20 minutes is not traffic. Sitting for an hour on I-76 at rush hour because of a fucking GAPER DELAY, or playing stop-and-go on the Beltway at 10 in the morning when all the traffic should be over, is traffic. What you have is a minor inconvenience. It’s like complaning to a terminal AIDS patient about having a fucking ingrown hair. Die, and die now, please.
Back on topic, I agree with devang. Jersey drivers are the worst.
June 18th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
+2 to Auksyte.
It is worth noting that the Eisenhower (which I live off of) is no longer an expressway and has been renamed “The Honorable Rod Blagovich Illinois Slow Moving Parking Lot.”
+2 to Gino Tourettsa + John Rocker 4 Prez for bashing Wisconsin drivers…Minne-soah-dah drivers also seem to share many of the same issues.
June 18th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
RE Ace Says:
“I’m Indian and drive a Mazda 3. Most Indians are pretty nutjobby as drivers go from my experience.”
The Indians in Texas are very careful drivers. Which is to say, they don’t drive like assholes (ie, well over the limit, tailgating, sudden lane changes and whatnot). Which of course means that everyone else (including me, sometimes) passes them like they’re standing still. They must think we’re all insane. And they would not be wrong. Driving in Texas has made me a more assholish driver, just out of fear and a sense of preservation. The traffic here can be bad, but I’d bet it’s not as bad as up there in the Northeast. Here being Dallas. I’ve heard Houston is fucking intolerable trafficwise. Actually, I’ve never heard a good thing about Houston, even from people who are from there. I guess it’s the New Jersey of Texas.
June 18th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
LA resident here. I take the 405 and 110 feeways to work. Smart enough that I work from 11:00 AM until 7:00 Pm to avoid some of the traffic. What the off hours do present though are …. LANDSCAPING TRUCKS! Jesus H. bronco-ridin’ Christ I hate these fucking things. Usually they are beat up early 70’s, make unidentifiable, pieces of shit that Fred Sanford himself would be embarrassed to drive. They have a minimum of 5 migrant workers crammed in the front seat all the while leaves, tree limbs, dog shit, ladders and trash cans are flying obliviously off the truck bed. No joke, drive along the 110 some day and count all of the lawn bags, trash cans and ladders that have flown off these abortions. Some day I will carry a case of molotovs in the passenger seat to toss cheerfully in the truck beds of every damn one I see.
Oh yeah, excellent call of the BMW’s, BDD, excellent call.
June 18th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
Fucking hybrid drivers. They are too busy blowing themselves for “saving the environment” to pay attention to the road.
June 18th, 2008 at 9:04 pm
@Westbrook
If somebody from Indy bitches about traffic, they’re not really from Indy. They’re from one of the redneck pseudo-suburbian shitholes just outside the city.
By the way, if you bought an old police car and still have the spotlight attached to the door, I hate you. If you added a tint job or CB antenna I will steal your children and show them to you in pain before I kill them. Thank you. That is all.
June 18th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
how has no one mentioned old people in hats? old people are bad enough, but if that fucker is wearing a hat? you’re in trouble.
One of them tried to merge into me yesterday.
/gives reprieve to people who smoke pipes and drive
June 18th, 2008 at 9:12 pm
So does my Mini Cooper count as a BMW? Either way I encounter more than my fair share of asshole rednecks in chevy pickups with the “American by Birth – Southern by the Grace of God” bumper sticker trying to run me off the road.
June 18th, 2008 at 9:13 pm
Fucking Volvo drivers!
So smug and prepared for anything – y’see, because their car was rated ‘really really safe’ by the douchebag authorities, so they don’t have to worry about getting hurt or, apparently, hurting anybody else. Cut off anybody anywhere, swerve lanes at will without looking, drive at any speed in any lane as you like, pull out into traffic without looking, cruise through any stop sign or stop light, all while being so smug for having such smart shopping skillz. Plus, apparently, Volvo has yet to add working turn signal functionality to any of their models!
June 18th, 2008 at 9:42 pm
God I love Buffalo more every time I hear idiots cry about commutes. I work 16 miles from home, it takes me 18 minutes to get there, and 18 minutes to get home. Unless I go to the rez to get cheap gas, then it takes 25 minutes.
/only because no one lives here anymore.
June 18th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
bimmers are the cars. beamers are the bikes. when you drive a bimmer, everything else is basically an obstacle. mini’s can fall in this category too.
bimmers are great.
June 18th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
I’m pretty sure that I slept with swing4 at some point in my life.
June 18th, 2008 at 10:08 pm
tim – also live off the ike. totally unavoidable in my world. though i would rather drive on slow moving parking lot (big ups to the renaming) risking my life with all the lexus rx 330’s then drive through the ghetto that is the west side and risk a stray bullet.
June 18th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
New urbanism anyone? I drive 1.7 miles to work everyday, only because my bike got stolen a few months ago. Suck it, chumps. I hope you all love your suburban castles with your lush green lawns. And if you live in a condo miles from anyplace you work or play, well then I’m surprised you found the “on” button on the computer. Bravo.
June 18th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
@ swing4
“Fuckwittery”- that’s good shit.
June 18th, 2008 at 11:03 pm
living & driving in dallas, the presumptive nominees – who’ll take the race in a landslide – are the inbred, brain-dead, cum-sucking, pus-running, fucked out cunts of whores who inflict their cadillac escalades on the rest of us who’re just trying to reach our destinations without becoming quadriplegics in the process by virtue of the incomprehensible obliviousness these asswipes routinely display behind the wheel. goddam thing’s got the throw-weight of a fuckin B-52 payload, and blindspots the size of the battleship missouri, and these fucks insist on flinging ‘em around the road like they’re sterling moss in a fucking MG. it’s enough to make a fella walk around with a shoulder mounted weapon. maybe i’ll invite tommy from quinzee and his keyrings down for the weekend…
don’t think; scheme. don’t get mad; get even.
June 18th, 2008 at 11:17 pm
Greetings from Portland, the bicycling capital of America. And these smug, self-absorbed cyclists are far worse on the roads than any auto drivers in this town could ever hope to be. The rules of the road don’t apply to them, and they really don’t give a rat’s ass if they cause an accident, but if you, in your car, do anything that they remotely disagree with, you’ll hear about it.
If only vehicular homicide were legal…..
June 19th, 2008 at 12:03 am
Mercedes SUV (dishonorable mention: the little entry level Mercedes sedan), in greater Washington DC with MD plates. You are so insecure you must have a Mercedes don’t you, but you can’t swing the REAL DEAL so you get the cheapest ass one you can. You can not seriously like this car, can you? What the F is there to like about it other than the logo? So then to compound matters, you drive you like have a freaking M-B SLR McLaren & expect everyone to get out of your way. You SUCK! Game. F’ing. OVER.
Now, I have hated those people for a long time and with good reason, many of which stated above & in previous post. So you can only imagine how wide my eyes got & loudly I yelled ‘IT F-ING FIGURES!’ when I saw my boss in a MERCEDES SUV with MD PLATES recently (cross an outraged Lewis Black yell with a ‘if hate were people, i’d be china’ type yell and you would be getting close).
Special hate for ANYONE with a Virgina foxhunting lisc plate – http://www.dmv.state.va.us/exec/vehicle/splates/info.asp?idnm=FOX
(especially you, VA asshole bmw convertible on 16th St that likes to yell at bicylists).
Footnote on DC traffic: This spring coming back into DC area, immediately south of Fredrick MD on I-270, traffic INEXPLICABLY slowed to 40 mph and I turned and said to my wife, “Ah, it’s good to be back home isn’t it?”
June 19th, 2008 at 1:13 am
So much hate on the Vee Dubs. I can definitely agree Bug and Jetta drivers are terrible. They are the same kind of people. Yuppie douche bags. The only defensible position for VWs are the Diesels cars (maybe because I drive one). Anyone with a TDI badge generally drives well, probably because they understand enough about cars and engines to get a car that gets 45+ mpg and can get to 60 in under 20 seconds (i’m looking at you Prius).
I can’t think of any “make” that is particularly offensive. Any shitty car with a spoiler can go fuck itself. And there’s no doubt Ohio has the worst drivers. Not the most reckless, or the most aggressive, but the dumbest. I used to think Northeast Ohio has bad drivers (particularly for immediately flying to the left lane, then slowing down to five mph under the limit), then I moved to Northwest Ohio, where cars apparently don’t have built in turn signals.
June 19th, 2008 at 7:45 am
@ Naptown
I wasn’t really singling out Indy per se, just using it as an example. Columbus, Raleigh and Louisville are all acceptable examples too.
June 19th, 2008 at 8:32 am
@Big John
If I had a job in the city, I’d sell my car. Instead, I live in the city and work in the burbs. The nice thing is that I deal with reverse traffic, which isn’t nearly as bad as the real stuff. Also, I only drive to work. Beyond that, my car sits in a $150 a month piece of pavement.
Also, unless the time between an empty road and rush hour traffic can be measured in hours, you don’t get to claim traffic hardships. Naptown Drew, I’m looking at you. When I was working in Indy, the difference between getting to my office downtown at 3am and 8am was ten minutes.
June 19th, 2008 at 8:59 am
@Westbrook Is My Anti-Drug
I live in Raleigh, but like everyone else, I came here from Northern NJ. When people complain about the traffic here (all 3 minutes of it), I want to stab them. As you said…that’s not traffic…it’s an inconvenience. They would not survive a second in real traffic. This comes from someone who used to have a 20-mile, 90-minute commute.
For my list, anyone in Raleigh. Kinda like S FLA, but with the occasional true southerner thrown in. Said southerner has just recently discovered electricity and indoor plumbing, so driving a motor vee-hicle is all new to him/her.
Turn signals are not sold down here. My belief is that the average driver here does not have a plan when they leave the house. They just feel the need to drive. That’s why it’s perfectly acceptable to make a right out of the left-most left turn lane…across a 3-lane road.
Why am I driving all the way to DC this weekend to catch a Nats game? 95 on the weekend? God help me.
June 19th, 2008 at 10:15 am
VOLVOS VOLVOS VOLVOS
The drivers think they are safe so it doesn’t matter if they get in a collision. No help for fellow road users.
Also for all the safety features on FUCKEN VOLVOS, turn indicators do not seem to be one of them.
June 19th, 2008 at 10:58 am
Yep. I live in Arlington, VA. Worst fucking traffic. I can’t believe we’re in second place–who drives worse than a bunch of a) entitled corporate assholes and b) an unmarked van full of 12 illegals and c)rednecks? Thank god I learned to drive in California. NORTHERN California.
June 19th, 2008 at 11:04 am
A little late to the party, but pinch me, I think I’m reading FKS.
June 19th, 2008 at 11:17 am
Any off brand/model SUV… like a Jeep Liberty or Patriot, Chevy Equinox, Dodge Nitro, Saturn Outlook etc. They’re terrible drivers but the dead give away is the idiocy in purchasing such random SUV models. They’ve already submitted to $60+ in filling their tank every 5 days so they double down on the stupid with the prospect of the model not even being manufactured in as little as 2 years time. Also, not even dealers will want them as trade if they do finally come to their senses and realize they want a real car.
Any Chrysler but especially a PT Cruiser or 300.
And amen to jujrock re: Escalades in Dallas. They’re f*cking everywhere and driven by people who couldn’t give a f*ck about themselves let alone other people. Look, we get it, ok? Your grandaddy had some oil-leases in some bum-f*ck town in TX so you and your next 10 generations never have to worry about anything ever. Just try not to get me killed on your way to lunch at Neiman-Marcus, please.
June 19th, 2008 at 11:36 am
DC Metro has the worst drivers I’ve ever encountered. The average wait for some fuck to move their ass on a red light turned green is easily 2 seconds. Double that for a green turning arrow.
Everyone driving downtown is constantly going as slow as fucking possible. I LOVE buzzing around Eritrean retard cab drivers taking their sweet time. People stopping for no reason is also a big favorite of mine.
People just DO NOT KNOW what they are doing. I guess it goes along with all the government agencies getting outside consulting for “staff augmentation”. So many people here are so awful at driving it really boggles the mind.
June 19th, 2008 at 11:41 am
Any car driven by a woman. No, seriously. You do realize that there are other people on the road, right? Put it this way, I’m legitimately surprised when I get pissed off at someone on the road and it isn’t a woman. Put the phone down, preferably down your throat. Get in the right lane. Then die. And take your yuppie husband with you.
And can anyone explain to me the rationale behind washing your windshield so that my windshield gets a few stray drops when I’m tailgating you because you’re driving 55 in the left lane and you absolutely refuse to move over? Seriously, is that supposed to teach me a lesson? Lesson learned. You’re a fucking moron of biblical proportions. Excuse me while I ram you into the jersey wall.
June 19th, 2008 at 11:54 am
it’s fucking sad that this is the only topic everyone has deep personal opinions about. thread is still going and you fuckers have long since stopped being funny.
However, for the Bimmer and VW haters among us i offer you this:
When I used to live in NE DC and school in NW I would use K Street to get across town, often late at night. At that time, and probably still, K Street on the hill between 9th NW and North Cap is pretty much Eddie Murphy/Lee Tamahori heaven. Other than the parked Cadillacs, the cars I saw most often pulled up next to one of the sissies were BMWs and VWs with MD or VA tags. by most often I mean like 80-90% of the time.
[Barry:] You’re not one of those silly guys that walks around town dressed like a lady are you?
[?:] No, honey, I’m the real [tires squeal as Barry peels out in his BMW]
June 19th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
Q: What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes?
A: On a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.
Zing.
June 19th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
also, for dude that was hating bicyclists.
?
i ain’t even trying to look for your name or re-read your post.
bring it. i’ll kick your fender in and disappear down an alley.
and since none of you pasty motherfuckers can tell if i’m black, mexican, Arab, white or whatever, just try describing me to the po-lice or your insurance company.
sorry ass rage-in-a-cage bitches. i bet when the hamsters talk shit about each other it sounds just like this thread.
June 19th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
The comments from commuters in Chicago make me so fucking grateful I no longer have to deal with expressway traffic anymore.
That being said, I spent YEARS dealing with the clusterfuck that is the Edens Spur. An evil IDOT engineer seeking revenge on society must have designed it, I am sure of this.
I’m surprised no one has called out assholes with stuffed animals in their rear windows. It matters not the driver’s age/gender/ethnicity or even the type of car (although they seem to prefer Buciks & Camrys). By far the most inattentive drivers anywhere, probably beacause they are staring at some plush toy, making it talk and such. I wish these people a “beginning of Six Feet Under” type death.
June 19th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
I have to leave some hate here for two kinds of vehicles: 1) old dudes and chicks who drive goddam convertibles. “Hey everyone, my car’s roof is in the truck of my car right now, and I can feel the breeze on my scalp”. Fuck. Off. Seriously, nobody gives a left nut you drive a vehicle with no roof.
2) Guys who drive Jeep’s. Now I live in Canada (I know, hate for another day) where taking the doors, roof, hood, and whatever else off your Jeep TJ or YJ or whatever the fuck, can take place two months of the year. The other 12, it’s either too goddam cold, or it’s raining. So, for an overwhelmingly 83% of the year, they look like giant douches. Like, if you squeezed their necks, vinigar and water would shoot out of their ears.
/end rant
June 19th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
correction, the other 10 months, not 12
/failed math
June 19th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
1) the mother fuckers in the left lane going slower than the right lanes. the only way to make them speed up is to try and pass them on the right – once they see you trying to pass them, they remember where the gas pedal is.
2) a close second is the asshole tailgating you that you pull over for who then drives slower than you were driving once in front of you, forcing you to try and pass them on the right, leading to number one above.
June 19th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
I bought a used Honda Accord a couple years ago. But the next car I get, I don’t give a shit what brand it is. All I care about now is Miles Per Gallon. I don’t care if Bin Laden designed the fucker, if it gets 40 miles highway and 30 city, I’ll buy one off his bearded ass and then back over him while leaving the dealership.
June 19th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
@swing4: Rant saved by a classy Falling Down reference. Nice.
Also, I have to support the TJ/YJ hate. Moreso because whenever I sold one, it was to some dbag with frosted tips who would spend the test drive grinding gears and nodding approvingly. That sound is actually a sign were are going to need to fix the vehicle because you don’t know what a clutch it you cockknocker.
June 19th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
I hope I cut you off today in my VOLKSWAGEN….oh i mean my “overpriced piece of shit”…..thats right i forgot
June 19th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
“Some of us who drive Volvo’s do so to protect us from the rest of you assholes. Seriously, you could drive a Hummer at 90 over my S60, and I would walk away.”
This is case in point. Vulva-o pilots drive like shit no matter what they’re driving, so they get a car that will allow them to live through their asshattery and feel good that their idiocy will have a better chance of killing someone other than themselves. A hummer driving over your car? I mean, WTF? Only a Volvo driver could get himself into that ridiculous situation and then brag about it. Who buys a car to survive being mashed by Bigfoot on the highway? Vulva-o drivers, that’s who. Fucktards, all.
I agree with above posters; no signal lights, blatant disregard for basic rules of the road, oblivious to the danger they create and let others brake madly/swerve madly, etc to compensate while they putter along. To top it all off they exude a pathetic smugness from being in a ’safe’ car that acts like a moving hazard.
And ANOTHER thing: they drive like the car is a fucking schoolbus, as though it is 3 times wider and 4 times longer than it actually is. Turning a little bit left before making a low speed right handed turn? it makes my brain melt.
Fucktards, all. Too bad, because Volvos are nice cars. They have been forever tainted in my eyes and I could never drive one without feeling the collective weight of Volvo driver stupidity that has amassed over the decades.
June 19th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
Unfortunately it’s not just a make, but as far as models go, Mustang drivers are obnoxious. Just because you have a “sports car” doesn’t mean it’s that cool. The WT that drive these things like they are in a NASCAR race are worse than anything on this list.
June 19th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
D-FENS!
June 19th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
i’m printing out this post and comments, keeping a supply in my car, and every fucking time i have a chance to do so, i’ll paper a parked BMW’s windshield . BDD is singin’ to the choir here. fuck all them all. i want to spit on those cars everytime i walk by a parked one
also, allow me to nominate the assholes who take a Honda Civic, paint it a godawful neon glowstick color, throw 300 spoilers on it, and then drive like free floating 100 mph jackasses. maybe this is just a Cali thing
June 19th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
also, since some folks went state w/worse drivers as well as worst type of car:
i’ve lived in California for almost 15 years. i still curse everytime i see a Virginia license plate
June 19th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
I drive a Saturn. I dunno if I’m a bad driver, but I sure am an asshole.
People drive too slowly, and the best way to let them know is to tailgate until there’s an opening to swerve around them on the right.
June 20th, 2008 at 10:46 am
Chrysler Pacificas. WTF? People who drive those are the people who sit in the window seats in airplanes and go to the bathroom 10 times during the flight. They all have to drive at least 10 mph under the speed limit in the left lane and need to cross 3 lanes of traffic in 100 feet to make their exit off the highway. They also change lanes 30 times in traffic jams and probably suffer some sort of OCD.
Oh, and regardless of make: women. Seriously, all women either crawl up everyone’s ass at 95 mph on their cell phones or drive 5 mph in the left lane…on their cell phones. It’s like the speed limit is some kind of disease that they avoid at all costs. Either way, GET THE F**K OFF YOUR PHONE!
June 20th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Right after college in 2001, I picked up a 1978 Buick LeSabre (note: I may be the reason that we are still dependent on foreign oil) and just beat the crap out of it. I found that merging a 28′ barge with battle-scarred paint sent the Chicago-area Bimmers scattering like roaches when the lights come on.
June 20th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
How the fuck do Volvos not make that list?
June 21st, 2008 at 7:18 pm
BMW drivers are hands-down the worst of all. Old joke: “Know the difference between a BMW and porcupine? With the BMW, the prick’s on the inside.”
Having said that, most American drivers are just plain shitty. I don’t care if they’re yakking on a cell phone, doing their hair, jacking off, whatever, just get the hell over. I drive a 1988 Mercedes 560SL, next to the last year of the classic W-107 Mercedes roadsters for those who don’t know, and this car will do an honest 160-mph. Why do I have this classic car, even though it gets like 18 mpg? Well, because it’s in perfect condition, it’s way cool to drive, it’s a true sports car, it’s faster than shit (that “560″ means 5.6 liters) and I like to drive fast. And because to replace it would cost well over $100K and the replacement would essentially be a Chrysler. The engine in my car is bullet proof; it will outlive me. Mercedes actually used to make good cars.
So I buy the gas. And I drive fast. Until I run into some clown who thinks he/she is supposed to cruise in the left lane. Just get over. It’s not your job to enforce the speeding laws, it’s your job to get wherever you want to go safely, at a speed with which you’re comfortable, without endangering yourself or the drivers around you. What do you care if the guy coming up on you is doing 90-100 mph? Not your business. Just get out of the way. I will love you forever if, when you see me coming up on you, you just kind of routinely move over. I will respect you as a good driver and I will bless you and your children. OTOH, if you don’t move over, and force me to do some maneuvers to get around you, I will curse you, call you a selfish prick and pray that all sorts of Biblical plagues are visited upon you and your descendants. Rest assured, I will get around you, but your selfishness will have caused just the least little bit of increased hazard for you, me and those around us on the road.
Just stay in the right lane. Is it all that difficult?
June 22nd, 2008 at 12:53 am
Having lived in Raleigh since 1979, and in NC my entire life, I’m not surprised by the transplanted Jerseyite trash and his complaints about native Southerners. Just a reminder: no one wants you here. Our state was much nicer, cleaner and less crowded before you arrived. Go back to the Rust Belt rectum that squeezed you out. Take the other half-million transplants with you, and that shitty hockey team, too.
Nobody has mentioned the Jeep Cherokee. Regardless of year, it’s hideous, under-powered, smog-belching and invariably driven by some aggro pinhead. Happily, the poor skills of the drivers account for a high casualty rate. They flip easier than pancakes at IHOP.
BDD is dead-on about the BMWs. Despite my respect for BMW’s engineering, I still hate all of them.
Saturn remains the training bra of automobiles. Saturn – when real cars are just too scary.
If you see a Volvo in N.C., it will have some kind of UNC Alumni sticker on it. I dream of buying a traincar full of RPGs to purge the roads of those smug assholes.
Don’t be forgettin’ dat Cadillac Escalade! All sheeny wit dem dub salad-shoota rims! (I actually don’t hate them now – I just cackle and say “How you likin’ fo’ dollas a gallon, G”?)
My car? 2001 Honda CR-V. Just a big Civic, really. Still gets around 25 mpg in town.
June 22nd, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Two words: DODGE DOUCHEBAGS. especially the lone star edition drivers in texas.
June 25th, 2008 at 11:41 am
What fucking car CAN you drive without being called a fag or a bad driver? Just asking…
July 9th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
I have been a bad driver enthusiast myself for a few years and actually collected a fair amount of good research. I have to disagree on the makes though. According to my research the bad driving skill spreads equally among all makes on the road as only a fraction of drivers are aware of how to drive somewhat well. Its just that a bad driver behind the wheel of a fine car like BMW or similar is even more dangerous and bad because the car makes him think automaticaly that he is a driving-pro. I, myself prefer a good german auto (except VW’s) because they are excellent cars and can be a real treat in hands of a decent driver.
July 19th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
John Rocker 4 Prez:
If you don’t like Wisconsin, why the hell don’t you stay out of it?
We don’t want your stinking wormridden butt in our state.
July 23rd, 2008 at 4:10 am
Hands down Scion drivers. Especially those that drive that piece of shit Xb model. God, I HATE those assholes. Usually some adolescent, thinks he’s the shit, rich wannabe. Listen here, Lance, take your horseless Amish buggy looking box on wheels and drive as fast as you can into a wall and quit clogging the road with your arrogance. Assholes…
August 31st, 2008 at 11:50 am
Admittedly, I didn’t read VERY comment here, but I didnt even scan a reference to the left..errr, west coast drivers(i.e.CA) other than in reference to a “perfect storm”.
I havn’t driven in Chicago, don’t wanna drive in New York…just about everywhere else I’ve driven and found prick drivers, of all makes/models/color, and even race/gender…
my hats off to the courageous muther-fuckers that ride their fucking slo-ass harleys, on a nice, windy canyon road. Slowing to a snails crawl for every turn cuz they got ‘ape-hangers, or its tooo long, or their chik won’t let them go any faster, or WHATEVER!; they consistently pass the turn-outs w/o pulling over, then wonder why I am crawling up their ridiculously loud tail-pipes!!! Its a good thing most of the cars I drive have some sort of urethane front-end, cuz when these same clowns flip me off, as they stop in the middle of the road to turn a corner… if i had a metal bumper….
I’m with swing 4 and fastmover…
I drive in SoCal, I drive fast, I’ll give you a couple of opportunities to get out of my way…before I become a prick about it…
August 31st, 2008 at 12:00 pm
F.Y.I.; my “weapon of choice” is my Mazda RX-7: With it, I can keep up with 60% (prolly more like 50%) of the 600cc riders in a canyon…
Freeways are almost always clogged; so it doesn’t matter: you take them, you stand a chance of over-heating…
February 25th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
The one thing I cannot stand is half of these posters that think they are cool and hip when they are anything but.
ALSO, haters of Asians. We’re here, we’re proud, we own the places you work at, we invented the medicines you use and anything else that you use.
There’s not once ounce of truth to any of the hating messages by race. No, Asian drivers at a certain age drive the same as any other driver of the same age. The only reason you slam Asian drivers is because one, you’re a freakin’ racist that gets their kicks by posting anoymous messages on websites, and two, because they happen to stand out more than other drivers because they are Asian.
February 25th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
The only reason you Asian haters don’t go after, for example, black drivers is because you know they will pop your racist arse. Asians are a bit more subtle and get rid of you by poisoning your gluttonous offspring with lead-based paint on their toys.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Awwww… It must be SO fuckin’ hard for you to have to share the roads with so many inconsiderate folks…. my heart and hemmies are bleeding for you, and pumping putrid purple pelican piss.
You sound to me like one of those Suzie Creamcheeze airheads who have decided the road belongs to THEM, and Bikers aren’t entitled to a full lane…
Just a word of advice; I’d suggest that you refrain from driving in states that permit Open or Concealed Carry of handguns. In those places, I’d bet YOUR particular style of driving will piss off SOMEBODY.
Whatta twit. Bet yer bra size is bigger than yer IQ.