
Bert Sugar, the beloved cigar muncher/boxing historian has frequently expressed his belief that the dearth of great American heavyweights can be directly attributed to the rise in popularity, and profitability, of leagues like the NFL. Forty years ago it was boxers who were on top of the American sports world while professional football was still struggling to find its place (fortunately it had some ardent supporters).
Obviously today’s landscape is far different. Ethan Albright is earning millions and enjoying the fame associated with being Madden ’07′s lowest rated player while some guy named Vodka Drunkenski is hoisting our once beloved title belts over his Chernobylized head. But what if that weren’t the case?
What if all of the tremendous athletes in our beloved NFL had grown up in headgear rather than helmets, and throwing jabs instead of footballs? When asked which NFLer would make the best boxer Sugar contends that “Ray Lewis would be a hell of a heavyweight,” but I think we need a tournament to make things official.
What we need from you readers is some nominations. It’s quite simple really, you name an active NFL player in the comment section and they will be considered for the field. Once the competitors are decided upon we’ll seed them and provide a tale of the tape for each match-up to help you vote. In the end, only one man will remain standing.
I’ll get the ball rolling with one guy who’s a lock for a favorable seed. He’s big, he’s crazy, and he actually boxes in the off-season. He’s Shawne Merriman.

Remember, we’re limiting this to potential heavyweights so all competitors should be at least 5’11″ (taller than Tyson) with a hypothetical boxing weight between 215 and 299 pounds.


I pick John Ritchie, as he is already well versed at playing through bleeding.
“Ray Lewis seems pretty tough to us.” – Signed: A Couple Dead Guys
Manny Lawson- he was hurt last year, but he is 6’5”, 240 lb and he is an athletic freak. Moving him from MLB to FS on Madden always made the game more enjoyable.
Is Michael Westbrook still in the lig?
black-balled for suspicion of the gay
“Your Wife’s Lipstick Says:
Kabeer Gbaja Biamillia
Just to hear the announcers try to say it…
I been rehearsing in my head how many different ways Larry Merchant could try to say this. Try it, it’s a barrel of laughs.
Is Michael Westbrook still in the lig?
Tommy Z’s fight: http://youtube.com/watch?v=J-8BYolVPVw
Tamba HAli. 6’3″, 275 and fled war-torn Liberia.
“Ahlee BOOM-i-yay … Ahlee BOOM-i-yay … Ahlee BOOM-i-yay.”
Joe Thomas…aw, weight limit.
Daunte Culpepper. Guy hits like a Mack Truck, and if he had not played football, his knees would still be in great shape.
The Oscar de la Hoya of this would definitely be Jason Taylor.
Damn if former players were allowed I’d nominate Bob Sapp of K1 fame, but alas, I would nominate kerry Collins just to see his ass kicked and end this stupid redskin qb controversy.
Steve Hutchinson. I.must.break.you.
@Haole–It’s a boxing match, not a slap fight, c’mon now.
@claude balls–Funniest shit about MRob is that he’s one of the friendliest people I met in 4 years at Penn State. Total class act.
Really, no Urlacher? The man eats aborted babies as his Sunday morning snack. His neck is the size of all of our thighs combined. And I’m pretty sure he’s responsible for all the world’s sadness.
plus he was dumb enough to try to fight Bas Rutten.
I know the rules of this draft call for selecting active players, but here are a few Honorary Picks:
Greg LLoyd, Joey Browner, Herschel Walker (all Tae Kwon Do Black Belts)
John Randle (He don’t know Karate, but he knows Ca-RAY-Zee!)
Fred “The Hammer” Williamson, Jim Brown, Carl Weathers (bad asses in real life and reel life)
Let’s not forget, the jets have already been getting boxing lessons thanks to their coach’s unusual teaching tactics. Combine that with thomas jones’ impressive (though not michael pittman-impressive — http://www.reachm.com/amstreet/images/GeorgeBushMichaelPittman.jpg ), and i reckon he could do some damage.
I think the only viable QB is JaMarcus “Yes, I do weigh 300 pounds” Russell. That throwing power has to translate into a serious blow-a-hole-in-your-fucking-face type punch.
Other possibilities?
LaRon Landry (http://youtube.com/watch?v=z4ILYGLVDgA)
Patrick Willis (who I was sure was from Smyrna, TN)
Marion Barber III
That Tom Zbikokowoijdojsoijgorijski bloke we drafted from Notre Dame mostly because he actually is a boxer. He also has a baby mohawk, and looks totally awesome.
Damn, read through 120 comments then my guy gets taken.
I’ll go homer, but plausible too. Tony Ugoh 6’5″ 301, if he hadn’t made it as an O-lineman he’d be trying to make the Olympics in the shotput/discuss (crazy strength and body control) He came in as a rookie and handled the left tackle spot, that’s athleticism to spare. He’s powerful, he was clearing lanes for McFadden when McFadden was Heisman runner up.
Terrell suggs
Patrick Willis
Vernon Gholston
Shockey
David Akers
Michael Westbrook
Marcus Vick (he was on Miami for a time)
I’m lazy
Fuck, I omitted an apostrophe. Sorry.
Olin Kreutz- 6’2″ 292 and he struck a teammate with a freeweight about his dome. He also is the launching pad for the sex cannon.
If Brian Dawkins is in, then Michael Robinson is in. Robinson already has knocked Dawkins out once. If the NFL still allows anyone to post the video, check it out.
In fact, Robinson has made a career of knocking safeties out. He ended Brandon Owens career in college:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Quh63kQBUk
Merriman’s lucky that MJ-D isn’t eligible (to say nothing of Bob Sanders), or he’d be fucked. I pick Dwight Freeney. Homer pick? Sure. But nobody his size has quicker feet.
Greg Blue. Used to play for Georgia, now a backup safety at detroit. But I saw him stop Marion Barber at the goal line last year….by himself….twice….that is a strong bastard. You can see some of his hits on youtube…..sick….
Also we need a butterbean type. So lets throw Jared Lorenzen in there
Cedric “MR. EXCITEMENT” Benson
The opponents are not allowed to use pepper spray or tasers right
Marion Barber has got to be in. He would throw haymakers.
I’m a Skins fan, but:
Brian Dawkins
I realize he’s a little light, but let’s be honest. If he shows up, and he wants to fight, you’re not saying no to Brian Dawkins.
Also, I would’ve paid upwards of $100 to see Meast v. God’s Linebacker.
Tommie Harris
Some of the KSK hate baffles me. What’s not to like about Brady Quinn?
What’s to like? A primadonna possibly not very good qb who stonewalled contract negotiations to try to get paid like he didn’t fall like a stone through the first round only to lose his QB of the future status to Derek “Horseballs” Anderson because of said holdout. He stinks of pretty boy entitlement and umm did I mention he’s probably not going to be a very good pro?
Zach Thomas, he can take a concussion or 12
The Gramatica Brothers (Bill and Martin) — chicken fight style they gotta add up to between 210 and 299. Four arms of crazy!
Ricky Williams…good size, and too stoned to get hurt. Plus I wanna hear him do his post-fight interviews like Towelie: “Oh man, I don’t even know where I am right now…wanna get high?”
Ape’s mom.
Some of the KSK hate baffles me. What’s not to like about Brady Quinn?
Brady Quinn.
I just want to see him get hit a lot.
Also Phillip Rivers would be a good choice. All though I can see him using Mrs. Elizabeth to distract the ref while he hits his opponent with a folding chair.
Darrell Jackson, because although having hands of stone isn’t too helpful to a WR, they’d be killer in the ring.
Vernon Gholston or Charles Grant
David Carr, the man can take a beating.
Strahan: Big, quick, messed up grill.
Chris Cooley, if he brings Mrs. Cooley along to be the card girl
By the way, the punch is at the 1:55 mark.
Kermit Washington.
Yeah, I know that he is a retired player, and a retired NBA player at that. But, which one of you is going to tell him that he cannot participate?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jgqUZ1IAA_8
Lyle Alzado, but he gets to use Chris Ward’s helmet.
(and hey – Lyle actually boxed Ali in ’79)
“Ahlee BOOM-i-yay … Ahlee BOOM-i-yay … Ahlee BOOM-i-yay,”
shortly after i posted i remembered i hate the cowboys. but witten is a badass.
how about jason whitten. he got his cap peeled and then almost ran for a td anyway
Jeremy Shockey
Chad Pennington would be a good first round matchup for a contender, because he looks like, and has the injury tolerance of Glass Joe from Punch-Out.
Love the Dumervil nomination, but I gotta throw Tamba Hali out there.
“Ahlee BOOM-i-yay … Ahlee BOOM-i-yay … Ahlee BOOM-i-yay!”
Leonard Little, especially if he gets to drive his car in the ring.
The real “Vodka Drunkinski”, Jared Allen
How about a couple young uns like Owen Schmitt or Michael Bush or I dunno Glenn Dorsey?
@KDizzle,
Thanks for the help. I knew someone was in the trunk of a car, I forgot that it was the brilliant genius Rae himself.
Marmalard
super attack – uppercut where opponent’s mouthpiece goes flying out of his mouth and then suspends in the air for the duration of the round before coming down
Two words: Daniel Sepulveda
http://youtube.com/watch?v=_FhCgLeuO0I&feature=related
James “Silverback” Harrison, LB Steelers
Benches 465, bodyslams Browns fans
Chris:
You got the story mixed up. . . It was Rae hiding in the truck of the car when he was found.
Funny story: My family used to own a convenience store next door to the hotel where they found Carruth. An old (now dead) great uncle of mine lived in a little house behind the store. One day, he kept noticing some woman going out to the trunk of her car and taking stuff in and out, talking to someone while he was doing it. Uncle Marvin thought something was up so he called the cops, and it ended up being Rae Carruth lol. That’s how Carruth got caught
thomas jones is the mike tyson of the tourney (if rules can be slightly bent to let him in)
Derek Boogaard.
Thomas Jones
ummm i hate to add someone who doesnt make either cut but I gotta throw it out there
he was the first person that came to mind and I have a feeling he would rock the competition
thomas jones
http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1372/1256625052_62d0658151_o.jpg
need i say more
obviously zibowski (sp?)
but i’ll put a vote for Kyle Vanden Bosch. He’s big, fast, aggressive, fit, and crazy
Also reitirate Patrick Willis. BTW, to the earlier commentator Willis is actually from Hollow Rock, TN but he went to school in Bruceton (no schools in Hollow Rock).
Jason Taylor–he can dance like a butterfly but can sting like a bee.
Easy question. Rae Carruth. You wanna risk crossing him and ending up in the truck of his car? Me thinks not.
Sorry about the QB pick Maj but Cutler is a strong fucker and I would truly like to see him beat the shit out of somebody.
How about (another homer pick) Elvis Dumervil, now that boy got some reach, tell ya what.
Also, they have to be current players, because retired ones have no luck, i.e. Mark Gastineau and Alonzo Highsmith – whose record is inflated with fucking scrubs wearing jean shorts…
Mike Alstott.
Jonathan Vilma – the perfect blend of agility, speed and murder.
How ’bout Lorenzo Neal? He’d be a bulldozer in the ring.
MARMALARD!!!!
I wanna’ see him try to hide behind Shawne Merriman while getting his face reconstructed into a permanent “YA BETTA ASK SOMEBODAAAAAAY!” stare.
Madison Hedgecock (tomato can who can withstand insane punishment, lose every fight by unanimous decision but never get knocked out)
Marion Barber
Jamal Lewis
I know Steve Atwater is retired, but anybody who would step in the ring with that guy today would have to look the fuck out.
If he wasn’t old (or dead), Ernie Holmes.
“I don’t mind knocking somebody out,” Holmes said. “If I hear a moan and a groan coming from a player I’ve hit, the adrenaline flows within me. I get more energy and play harder.”
And he wrestled. And was on the A-Team.