KSK Decides: The Heavyweight Champion of the NFL
Bert Sugar, the beloved cigar muncher/boxing historian has frequently expressed his belief that the dearth of great American heavyweights can be directly attributed to the rise in popularity, and profitability, of leagues like the NFL. Forty years ago it was boxers who were on top of the American sports world while professional football was still struggling to find its place (fortunately it had some ardent supporters).
Obviously today’s landscape is far different. Ethan Albright is earning millions and enjoying the fame associated with being Madden ’07’s lowest rated player while some guy named Vodka Drunkenski is hoisting our once beloved title belts over his Chernobylized head. But what if that weren’t the case?
What if all of the tremendous athletes in our beloved NFL had grown up in headgear rather than helmets, and throwing jabs instead of footballs? When asked which NFLer would make the best boxer Sugar contends that “Ray Lewis would be a hell of a heavyweight,” but I think we need a tournament to make things official.
What we need from you readers is some nominations. It’s quite simple really, you name an active NFL player in the comment section and they will be considered for the field. Once the competitors are decided upon we’ll seed them and provide a tale of the tape for each match-up to help you vote. In the end, only one man will remain standing.
I’ll get the ball rolling with one guy who’s a lock for a favorable seed. He’s big, he’s crazy, and he actually boxes in the off-season. He’s Shawne Merriman.
Remember, we’re limiting this to potential heavyweights so all competitors should be at least 5′11″ (taller than Tyson) with a hypothetical boxing weight between 215 and 299 pounds.
Tags: I can't wait to see this on Spin next month, KSK Decides, The Champ Is Here, Unsilent Majority
June 24th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Cutler
June 24th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Ray Lewis
June 24th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Lance Briggs
June 24th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
the first comment and it’s a fucking quarterback?
June 24th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Chris Simms has no spleen. I’m thinking that’s an advantage in this contest.
June 24th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Janikowski.
He may be over the weight limit now, though. Just seems like the kind of guy too dumb to fall down.
June 24th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Justin Tuck
June 24th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Richard Seymour.
June 24th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Julius Peppers has the reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeach.
June 24th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
D’Brickashaw Ferguson: 6-5 285lbs with a ridiculous reach. Not to mention the fact that he’s athletic as fuck and is a black belt in Shotokan Karate so he’s definitely got some hand skills
June 24th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Peppers is a great choice, especially because he’s a southpaw
June 24th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
mike sellers
June 24th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
WELKAHHHHHHHH
June 24th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Jared Lorenzen
June 24th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Javon Kearse……after a fifth of Old Grandad
June 24th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
6′5″, laser-rocket arm – I think Pey-pey’s gotta be in the tournament.
June 24th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Kellen Winslow. Soldiers never quit.
June 24th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Too bad this post wasn’t about MMA, cause Hines Ward would have been everyone’s #1 pick.
June 24th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Purple Jesus.
Is that even fair to the other entrants?
June 24th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Jerramy “Glass Joe” Stevens
June 24th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Michael Westbrook. He fucked up Stephen Davis, man. Cheap shots are allowed in boxing, right?
June 24th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Larry Foote
June 24th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Almost forgot to be a homer.
Demarcus Ware.
June 24th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Mario Williams
June 24th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Adam “Galaga” Jones. That muthafucka’s crazy.
June 24th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Too bad Vince Wilfork doesn’t meet the requirements. Even if he lost in the first round, he’d leave somebody with a gouged eye.
June 24th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Mario Williams. The man’s still got something to prove.
June 24th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
I know he wouldn’t be in there with the heavies, but Tawmmy Brady is definitely the Oscar De La Hoya of foosball.
June 24th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
I would say Roethlisberger, but I don’t think they would let him wear the Tuff-Wear helmet. Plus he would have a hell of a time figuring out how to enter the ring. “But there is a WHOLE FUCKING WALL of ropes here!”
June 24th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Dallas Clark, no risk of further brain damage there. He’d be just like Boxing Homer.
June 24th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Rodney Harrison just makes the cut, weight wise. and you know he’d fight dirty as hell
June 24th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Patrick Willis.
6′1″.
240 lbs.
AND he’s from Bruceton, TN. Sounds tough to me.
June 24th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
I’d say Javon Walker, but if the fight’s in Vegas he wouldn’t even make it to the arena.
June 24th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Lofa Tatupu… hes hard… hyundai accent what?
If this was pro wrestling, Id have to go with walter jones, but yeah, tatupu.
June 24th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Aaron Gibson he weighs 410lbs I think that would be hard to move ( but not sure if he is still in the NFL)
June 24th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Actually, I’m going to say Jon Kitna.
How could he lose? You keep hitting the guy and hitting the guy, and Jesus just keeps healing him back!
June 24th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Brandon Jacobs and Osi Umenyiora (insert poop joke)
June 24th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
What about ex-NFL’ers now playing in Canada? If so, I nominate David Boston. There aren’t any drug tests before or after these fights right? If not, I nominate Michael Pittman. If he doesn’t win, he’ll run his opponent down in his car!
June 24th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Troy Polamalu straight up maniac
June 24th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
If we were nominating former coaches, I’d go with Bill Cowher. Not for his fire and determination, but how many hands would shatter against that mighty chin?
June 24th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
too bad Jared Lorenzen just got cut, he could be the next Butterbean
as for the contest… Mario Williams has it all, big, has a reason to be pissed, and already has the voice of Mike Tyson
June 24th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
How about an actual boxer – Tom Zbikowski? He just needs to put on another 10-15 pounds to make weight.
June 24th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Holly Mangold
June 24th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Zbikowski fights as a heavyweight, he’s definitely in.
June 24th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Takeo Spikes the man is a shopping cart full of damage.
if anyone was gonna pick a damn quarterback wouldnt it be Roethlesberger, i mean he got up from pavement i think he can get up from the canvas.
and janikowski’s a puss, i’d take the Bills Brian Moorman but he’s too small. but i betcha his 185lbs rearend could take any other kicker in the league. Australian Rugby player turned punter, and Sean Taylor practically killed him (no pun) at the pro bowl and Moorman just popped right up.
June 24th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
As for Zbikowski’s weight issue, his playing weight is probably the same as his boxing weight, so it can pass. Most other guys would box at least ten pounds below their playing weight, with certain exceptions.
June 24th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Albert Haynesworth.
Is face stomping legal in boxing?
June 24th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
Kabeer Gbaja Biamillia
Just to hear the announcers try to say it…
June 24th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
I don’t get the weight limit, there is no upper limit in boxing. I’d take Jason Peters. Freak and pissed the Bills won’t pay him.
June 24th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
peters was gonna be my choice but i think he’s too dumb to be a good boxer
June 24th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Joey Porter. Just to see him and Lewis kill each other.
June 24th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
urlacher
June 24th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Adrian Wilson has to be one of the favorites, 6′ 3″ and 230 lbs. with speed and strength to spare
June 24th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Oh, and PS Maj, I assume Tony Weeks is the hypothetical ref for all these fights? Or is he too busy with the middleweights and lower?
June 24th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
The biggest guy who plays for the New York Jets, since Teddy Atlas trains them on the side.
June 24th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Well before Nicolai Valuev came around there was no such thing as a 300 pound heavyweight champion.
June 24th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
We’ll bring Mills Lane out of retirement
June 24th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Bill Romanowski has announced his return to the NFL for the purpose of winning this belt.
June 24th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Casey Hampton. He won’t throw a punch but his fat ass will be tough to knock down.
June 24th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
I’ll take Steve Smith as a light heavyweight. He’s little — 5′9″, 188 — but he would pack a mean punch and have quick feet in the ring.
June 24th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
Marshawn Lynch
June 24th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
if this were professional wrestling i’d have to take Terell Owens, casue i truly believe he will be a WWE superstar the moment his career is over. He’d be the greatest heel of all time.
Burt Sugar wants to see Terry Bradshaw vs Howie Long.
June 24th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
While I’m still in homer mode, give me Dan Kreider. 5′11″, 255, and has made virtually every tough-guy linebacker on this list cry for mercy at one time or another.
June 24th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
Don’t matter cause I’d whoop all their asses…
You understand?
June 24th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
herman moore said Johnnie shut your mouth.
June 24th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Screw the quarterbacks, I’m going with a punter. Daniel Sepulveda
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FhCgLeuO0I
June 24th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
i choose gholston.
he eats babies.
June 24th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
@Hit Dog: This isn’t a spitting contest.
June 24th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
Speaking of eating babies, what about Vernon Davis? Those Under Armor ads may or may not have made me shit my pants
June 24th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
If he wasn’t old (or dead), Ernie Holmes.
“I don’t mind knocking somebody out,” Holmes said. “If I hear a moan and a groan coming from a player I’ve hit, the adrenaline flows within me. I get more energy and play harder.”
And he wrestled. And was on the A-Team.
June 24th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
Madison Hedgecock (tomato can who can withstand insane punishment, lose every fight by unanimous decision but never get knocked out)
Marion Barber
Jamal Lewis
I know Steve Atwater is retired, but anybody who would step in the ring with that guy today would have to look the fuck out.
June 24th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
MARMALARD!!!!
I wanna’ see him try to hide behind Shawne Merriman while getting his face reconstructed into a permanent “YA BETTA ASK SOMEBODAAAAAAY!” stare.
June 24th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
How ’bout Lorenzo Neal? He’d be a bulldozer in the ring.
June 24th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Jonathan Vilma – the perfect blend of agility, speed and murder.
June 24th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Mike Alstott.
June 24th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
Also, they have to be current players, because retired ones have no luck, i.e. Mark Gastineau and Alonzo Highsmith – whose record is inflated with fucking scrubs wearing jean shorts…
June 24th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
Sorry about the QB pick Maj but Cutler is a strong fucker and I would truly like to see him beat the shit out of somebody.
How about (another homer pick) Elvis Dumervil, now that boy got some reach, tell ya what.
June 24th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Easy question. Rae Carruth. You wanna risk crossing him and ending up in the truck of his car? Me thinks not.
June 24th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Jason Taylor–he can dance like a butterfly but can sting like a bee.
June 24th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
obviously zibowski (sp?)
but i’ll put a vote for Kyle Vanden Bosch. He’s big, fast, aggressive, fit, and crazy
Also reitirate Patrick Willis. BTW, to the earlier commentator Willis is actually from Hollow Rock, TN but he went to school in Bruceton (no schools in Hollow Rock).
June 24th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
ummm i hate to add someone who doesnt make either cut but I gotta throw it out there
he was the first person that came to mind and I have a feeling he would rock the competition
thomas jones
http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1372/1256625052_62d0658151_o.jpg
need i say more
June 24th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
Thomas Jones
June 24th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Derek Boogaard.
June 24th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
thomas jones is the mike tyson of the tourney (if rules can be slightly bent to let him in)
June 24th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Chris:
You got the story mixed up. . . It was Rae hiding in the truck of the car when he was found.
Funny story: My family used to own a convenience store next door to the hotel where they found Carruth. An old (now dead) great uncle of mine lived in a little house behind the store. One day, he kept noticing some woman going out to the trunk of her car and taking stuff in and out, talking to someone while he was doing it. Uncle Marvin thought something was up so he called the cops, and it ended up being Rae Carruth lol. That’s how Carruth got caught
June 24th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
James “Silverback” Harrison, LB Steelers
Benches 465, bodyslams Browns fans
June 24th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Two words: Daniel Sepulveda
http://youtube.com/watch?v=_FhCgLeuO0I&feature=related
June 24th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Marmalard
super attack – uppercut where opponent’s mouthpiece goes flying out of his mouth and then suspends in the air for the duration of the round before coming down
June 24th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
@KDizzle,
Thanks for the help. I knew someone was in the trunk of a car, I forgot that it was the brilliant genius Rae himself.
June 24th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
How about a couple young uns like Owen Schmitt or Michael Bush or I dunno Glenn Dorsey?
June 24th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
The real “Vodka Drunkinski”, Jared Allen
June 24th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
Leonard Little, especially if he gets to drive his car in the ring.
June 24th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
Love the Dumervil nomination, but I gotta throw Tamba Hali out there.
“Ahlee BOOM-i-yay … Ahlee BOOM-i-yay … Ahlee BOOM-i-yay!”
June 24th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
Chad Pennington would be a good first round matchup for a contender, because he looks like, and has the injury tolerance of Glass Joe from Punch-Out.
June 24th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Jeremy Shockey
June 24th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
how about jason whitten. he got his cap peeled and then almost ran for a td anyway
June 24th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
shortly after i posted i remembered i hate the cowboys. but witten is a badass.
June 24th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
“Ahlee BOOM-i-yay … Ahlee BOOM-i-yay … Ahlee BOOM-i-yay,”
June 24th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Lyle Alzado, but he gets to use Chris Ward’s helmet.
(and hey – Lyle actually boxed Ali in ‘79)
June 24th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Kermit Washington.
Yeah, I know that he is a retired player, and a retired NBA player at that. But, which one of you is going to tell him that he cannot participate?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jgqUZ1IAA_8
June 24th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
By the way, the punch is at the 1:55 mark.
June 24th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Chris Cooley, if he brings Mrs. Cooley along to be the card girl
June 24th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Strahan: Big, quick, messed up grill.
June 24th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
David Carr, the man can take a beating.
June 24th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
Vernon Gholston or Charles Grant
June 24th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
Darrell Jackson, because although having hands of stone isn’t too helpful to a WR, they’d be killer in the ring.
June 24th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
Also Phillip Rivers would be a good choice. All though I can see him using Mrs. Elizabeth to distract the ref while he hits his opponent with a folding chair.
June 24th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
Brady Quinn.
I just want to see him get hit a lot.
June 24th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
Some of the KSK hate baffles me. What’s not to like about Brady Quinn?
June 24th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
Ape’s mom.
June 24th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
Ricky Williams…good size, and too stoned to get hurt. Plus I wanna hear him do his post-fight interviews like Towelie: “Oh man, I don’t even know where I am right now…wanna get high?”
June 24th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
The Gramatica Brothers (Bill and Martin) — chicken fight style they gotta add up to between 210 and 299. Four arms of crazy!
June 24th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
Zach Thomas, he can take a concussion or 12
June 24th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
Some of the KSK hate baffles me. What’s not to like about Brady Quinn?
What’s to like? A primadonna possibly not very good qb who stonewalled contract negotiations to try to get paid like he didn’t fall like a stone through the first round only to lose his QB of the future status to Derek “Horseballs” Anderson because of said holdout. He stinks of pretty boy entitlement and umm did I mention he’s probably not going to be a very good pro?
June 24th, 2008 at 5:11 pm
Tommie Harris
June 24th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
I’m a Skins fan, but:
Brian Dawkins
I realize he’s a little light, but let’s be honest. If he shows up, and he wants to fight, you’re not saying no to Brian Dawkins.
Also, I would’ve paid upwards of $100 to see Meast v. God’s Linebacker.
June 24th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
Marion Barber has got to be in. He would throw haymakers.
June 24th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
Cedric “MR. EXCITEMENT” Benson
The opponents are not allowed to use pepper spray or tasers right
June 24th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Also we need a butterbean type. So lets throw Jared Lorenzen in there
June 24th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Greg Blue. Used to play for Georgia, now a backup safety at detroit. But I saw him stop Marion Barber at the goal line last year….by himself….twice….that is a strong bastard. You can see some of his hits on youtube…..sick….
June 24th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Merriman’s lucky that MJ-D isn’t eligible (to say nothing of Bob Sanders), or he’d be fucked. I pick Dwight Freeney. Homer pick? Sure. But nobody his size has quicker feet.
June 24th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
If Brian Dawkins is in, then Michael Robinson is in. Robinson already has knocked Dawkins out once. If the NFL still allows anyone to post the video, check it out.
In fact, Robinson has made a career of knocking safeties out. He ended Brandon Owens career in college:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Quh63kQBUk
June 24th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
Olin Kreutz- 6′2″ 292 and he struck a teammate with a freeweight about his dome. He also is the launching pad for the sex cannon.
June 24th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
Fuck, I omitted an apostrophe. Sorry.
June 24th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
Terrell suggs
Patrick Willis
Vernon Gholston
Shockey
David Akers
Michael Westbrook
Marcus Vick (he was on Miami for a time)
I’m lazy
June 24th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
Damn, read through 120 comments then my guy gets taken.
I’ll go homer, but plausible too. Tony Ugoh 6′5″ 301, if he hadn’t made it as an O-lineman he’d be trying to make the Olympics in the shotput/discuss (crazy strength and body control) He came in as a rookie and handled the left tackle spot, that’s athleticism to spare. He’s powerful, he was clearing lanes for McFadden when McFadden was Heisman runner up.
June 24th, 2008 at 5:48 pm
That Tom Zbikokowoijdojsoijgorijski bloke we drafted from Notre Dame mostly because he actually is a boxer. He also has a baby mohawk, and looks totally awesome.
June 24th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
I think the only viable QB is JaMarcus “Yes, I do weigh 300 pounds” Russell. That throwing power has to translate into a serious blow-a-hole-in-your-fucking-face type punch.
Other possibilities?
LaRon Landry (http://youtube.com/watch?v=z4ILYGLVDgA)
Patrick Willis (who I was sure was from Smyrna, TN)
Marion Barber III
June 24th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
Let’s not forget, the jets have already been getting boxing lessons thanks to their coach’s unusual teaching tactics. Combine that with thomas jones’ impressive (though not michael pittman-impressive — http://www.reachm.com/amstreet/images/GeorgeBushMichaelPittman.jpg ), and i reckon he could do some damage.
June 24th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
I know the rules of this draft call for selecting active players, but here are a few Honorary Picks:
Greg LLoyd, Joey Browner, Herschel Walker (all Tae Kwon Do Black Belts)
John Randle (He don’t know Karate, but he knows Ca-RAY-Zee!)
Fred “The Hammer” Williamson, Jim Brown, Carl Weathers (bad asses in real life and reel life)
June 24th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
Really, no Urlacher? The man eats aborted babies as his Sunday morning snack. His neck is the size of all of our thighs combined. And I’m pretty sure he’s responsible for all the world’s sadness.
plus he was dumb enough to try to fight Bas Rutten.
June 24th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
@Haole–It’s a boxing match, not a slap fight, c’mon now.
@claude balls–Funniest shit about MRob is that he’s one of the friendliest people I met in 4 years at Penn State. Total class act.
June 24th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
Steve Hutchinson. I.must.break.you.
June 24th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
Damn if former players were allowed I’d nominate Bob Sapp of K1 fame, but alas, I would nominate kerry Collins just to see his ass kicked and end this stupid redskin qb controversy.
June 24th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
The Oscar de la Hoya of this would definitely be Jason Taylor.
June 24th, 2008 at 8:56 pm
Daunte Culpepper. Guy hits like a Mack Truck, and if he had not played football, his knees would still be in great shape.
June 24th, 2008 at 9:46 pm
Joe Thomas…aw, weight limit.
June 24th, 2008 at 10:25 pm
Tamba HAli. 6′3″, 275 and fled war-torn Liberia.
“Ahlee BOOM-i-yay … Ahlee BOOM-i-yay … Ahlee BOOM-i-yay.”
June 24th, 2008 at 10:36 pm
Tommy Z’s fight: http://youtube.com/watch?v=J-8BYolVPVw
June 25th, 2008 at 8:56 am
“Your Wife’s Lipstick Says:
Kabeer Gbaja Biamillia
Just to hear the announcers try to say it…
I been rehearsing in my head how many different ways Larry Merchant could try to say this. Try it, it’s a barrel of laughs.
Is Michael Westbrook still in the lig?
June 25th, 2008 at 9:04 am
Is Michael Westbrook still in the lig?
black-balled for suspicion of the gay
June 25th, 2008 at 10:26 am
Manny Lawson- he was hurt last year, but he is 6′5”, 240 lb and he is an athletic freak. Moving him from MLB to FS on Madden always made the game more enjoyable.
June 25th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
“Ray Lewis seems pretty tough to us.” – Signed: A Couple Dead Guys
June 25th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
I pick John Ritchie, as he is already well versed at playing through bleeding.
June 25th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
[...] we introduced the idea of a tournament to decide who is the true heavyweight champion of the world, and today we [...]