As anyone who’s read so much as a poorly constructed paragraph on this site is aware, we like to lard our writing with innumerable Simpsons quotes. It’s that thing that we say.
With a cast of characters numbering somewhere in the tens of millions, there’s someone in The Simpsons universe that anyone can identify with, like Col. Leslie Hap Hapablap for Ufford, Data for Ape (“Oh look, a clue! Candy bar wrapper!”) and Ralph for Maj.
But which would you actually want to hang around with? Duffman might be fun, for say, five minutes, but the constant “DUFFMAN! NEEDS TO FILE ESTIMATED TAXES BEFORE THE 16TH! OH YEAH!” could wear thin.
My inaugural pick: Moe Szyslak.
He’s the only person I know who has a worse opinion of himself than I do, he’s a complete degenerate (“I had a lot of fun being you, Dr. Hibbert. One thing: You’re not welcome in the library no more.”), he won’t upstage me with the ladies and, oh, he has access to unlimited booze. Thanks, pally.
Since we’re dealing with a somewhat finite population here, you have to wait at least five picks before making another.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2011/06/gorilla-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2011/05/airbudksk-150x150.jpg)
@KennyBallgame
I took Mr. Sparkle, this is no place for loafers!
I took some time off to scout and with an armful of videotapes and 40 times, I choose Uter because he’s got bosoms and he’s full of chocolate.
Linda Ronstadt – looked ok in hot tub, and can sing me to sleep.
“Senor Plow no es macho, sola mente es burracho…”
/if I spelled that wrong, chupa mi huevos
Marge. I need more MILFs in my life.
I’ll take the guy who’s been a maitre d’ at the dinner theater, a clerk at Costington’s and a Brazilian waiter.
“Eh-Yesssss? Eh-Yesssss!”
And in Brazil: “Eh-Simmmm? Eh-Simmm!”
Nobody has stepped up to the plate on Boobarella or Mr. Sparkle? Mark it…
Bart’s Bigger Brother Tom. Steal of the draft.
“Bart, I could kiss you — if the Bigger Brothers hadn’t made me sign a form promising not to.”
While we’re on Springfield Elementary class pets, I’ll select Nibbles the hamster, Superdude’s successor.
“Nibbles! Chew through my ball sack!”
Also, Willie’s dad was a tough old bastard. I don’t think a bog could take him out permanently.
Groudskeeper Willie’s dad got thown into the Bog.
I’ll take Superdude the hamster. At least he ‘ll get a proper burial
Since joe don jovi took Bart’s Bigger Brother Tom (great pick, by the way), I’ll select Homer’s Littler Brother Pepsi, I mean Pepe. He’s a smart kid with low expectations, so we’ll get along well.
No one says Miss Hoover? The lady who faked lyme disease.
Bart’s Bigger Brother Tom. Steal of the draft.
For my next pick: Groundskeeper Willie’s Dad who lives back in North Kilt Town, Scotland.
Drederick went early on day one. Step it up.
super late and I didn’t read them all, but did anyone take that guy in the white who hasn’t done anything yet?
1st Boxcar Bob…because he’s a hungry young fighter, in fact, he’ll fight anybody for a sandwich.
2nd Drederic Tatum because he’s has nothing against you but he’ll make orphans of your children
I’ll select one of Homer’s male relatives who carries the defective Simpsons Gene. Maybe the one who says “My legs hurt!” or maybe cousin Stanley, who shoots birds at the airport or even the one who apires to play a millionaire at parties. I could probably arrange a package deal.
“Defective Simpsons Gene? That’s just foolishness!”
“No, baldness, too.”
and his sidekick, fall out boy
to follow up my pick of bort, i’m going to select radioactive man
@ Probably Misses
Good call on Lucius Sweet and your screen handle.
I’ll make another cameo selection: Tom Petty from the Rock ‘n’ Roll camp episode. YOINK!
Lucius Sweet. He’s just as rich and famous as Don King and looks exactly like him. I’m building a pretty sweet team out of the also rans at this point.
Thrillhouse, aka Thrillho
Another cameo pick: Daryl Strawberry, cuz dude knows how to party. I’m just going to assume he’s really as nice as he was on the Simpsons, and not as fucked up as he is in the court documents.
The X-Files’ Dana Scully. Hooray for redheads.
Malibu Stacy Creator — sexy, rich, drunk, lets Man-centric Manocrats walk all over her. Probably likes anal.
Ichy and Scratchy anyone?
Didn’t see it. But my car is in the Ichy lot.
How about Dr. Marvin Monroe? Good old dead characters. There can’t be many left that haven’t been taken.
Baron Herzenberger, the descendant of Nazis who ended up with the Flying Hellfish treasure.
Now excuse us, we’re late for a Kraftwerk concert in Stuttgart.
I am taking Max Power.
Every letter is just as important as the last if not more. Is Lionel Hutz/ Mr. van Houten taken?
I know I’m early, and she might already be taken, but I’m selecting Otto’s ex-fiance/Marge’s insanity creator (or subconscious lesbian obsession?) Becky.
USURPER!
Ruth Powers. Fairly attractive, with a touch of crazy.
@Paul: Bort is a fantastic pick, you certainly embiggened your draft ranking with that one.
Gentle Ben
bort
Anastasia the tiger (prefers the stage to ze savagry of ze jungle, don’t you, Anastasia?)
Mr. Costington’s, since we both have a foot fetish and aren’t allowed on the 4th floor.
Crazy Talk
Bill and Marty of KBBL – Well hot dog we have a wiener!
Mr. Plow
“When the snow is fallin’ there’s a man you should be callin’”
Oddly enough- I didn’t see Barney taken- Can fly a Helo, sings a great tenor.
Nibbles the Hamster- “Now Nibbles, chew through my ballsack…”
Snowball 1 and 2
Or maybe Stampy- who doesn’t love elephants?
Mr Teeny- drives your limo, rides a unicycle
Hans Sprungfeld.
gabbo.
eat a dick, krusty.
My only pick comes as a joint pick. I take Meathook and Ramrod, the leaders of “Hell’s Satans”. I would love to have someone sword fighting a motorcycle in my corner.
I pick Jebediah Springfield – you’re all outta here, have fun in Stenchberg/Shelbyville
SuperNintendo Chalmers – for the schools
some ballers:
Trent Steel ‘You like Tai?’
Max Power ‘I like Tie, like shirt?’
a film critic: Jay Sherman
and, of course, a transportation guy – Lyle Langly (god, I miss phil hartman)
ps – Jub-jub, provided I can provide him with a warm rock
Since both Terwilliger brothers have been taken, I’m going to have to go with the Terwilliger family patriach. He raised two murderers, he’s got to be doing something right.
“Oo Gimme one of those giant beers I’ve been hearing about! … Yeah, it’s pretty big. I guess.”
Also, for my next selection, I choose the Marine guarding the US embassy who socked Homer in the face.
“Sir! In America we don’t tolerate that kind of crap, Sir!”
Or Bruno, the Aussie Boy’s father.
“Nine hundred dollary-doos?!”
How about I go with Australian Prime Minister Andy. Ruler of a country, no problem with nudity, gigantic beers, large boot. What more could you want?
“I know a liquor store where we can cash this check!”
REAL Comptroller Atkins
All you gaylords are talking about “the steal of the draft”. Well I got one that beats all you suckers:
Lance Murdoch, the death-defying dare devil who inspired Bart to jump over Springfield Gorge with his skateboard. With Lance, you get hot nurses everywhere, unlimited access to pharmaceuticals, cool stories, motorcycles and lions.
YOINK!
Phoney McRingring, from the phone comapny video.
‘you’re not dumber than a monkey, are you?’
‘how big of a monkey?’
General Sherman – the giant catfish Homer catches, then releases.
I’ll take the baitshop owner who could talk me up to girls at bars.
“Well, one fella came close. Went by the name of Homer. Seven feet tall he was, with arms like tree trunks. His eyes were like steel, cold, hard. Had a shock of hair, red like the fires of Hell.”
suckers
State Comptroller Atkins.
For my denouement I shall select: Blinky! Observant draftniks will recall my last pick was used on Akiro, the Japanese guy.
Three Eyed Sushi, anyone? I LOVE THE SMELL OF VICTORY
For my next selection: Leopold. He’s the big, scary guy who works with Superindendent Chalmers.
“Listen up, you little freaks! There are gonna be some changes around here…”
Slurms McKenzie, oOh wait, wrong show.
I think I’ll take Akira for this one…
/plotting, evil laugh
@TF
Sorry, I already took Zutroy. Tibor has also been taken.
Zutroy. He works for nickels!
I will take the dog with the shifty eyes…..even though I don’t trust him!!
Since Richard and Wendell have been taken, I’ll round out Bart’s trio of silent friends by selecting Lewis. He’s like Franklin in “Peanuts” or Token in “South Park”.
The Yes Guy, based off of the character actor from the Jack Benny Show. He seems like he would be awfully helpful.
OLD JEWISH MAN. steal of the day! Him and I can kvetch from here to the Holy Land!
Mr. Snrub
Goddamnit, I leave my computer for three hours and I miss this? Great, Now I’m going to have to pick wendell. Because I realy like being vomited on while riding the cheese bus.
catfish bonanza?
I’ll take the security guard at the Try N’ Save.
Catfische?
@ Beatrice, Doenycat,
Both brilliant picks!
“Does anyone have jumper cables?”
“Your theory of a donut-shaped universe intrigues me”
Too many people taken … I’m way tardy to the party.
Going off the precedent of “entire band selections,” from the movie, I’ll take Green Day. Love that band … even after they got all “emo-ed” out.
Stephen Hawking. Brains and the soothing sounds of Talking Moose.
Senor Ding Dong! Trained with a whip, owns his own business, formally existed purely as a promotional device.