KSK Commenter Draft: Simpsons Character You’d Like To Befriend For Life
As anyone who’s read so much as a poorly constructed paragraph on this site is aware, we like to lard our writing with innumerable Simpsons quotes. It’s that thing that we say.
With a cast of characters numbering somewhere in the tens of millions, there’s someone in The Simpsons universe that anyone can identify with, like Col. Leslie Hap Hapablap for Ufford, Data for Ape (”Oh look, a clue! Candy bar wrapper!”) and Ralph for Maj.
But which would you actually want to hang around with? Duffman might be fun, for say, five minutes, but the constant “DUFFMAN! NEEDS TO FILE ESTIMATED TAXES BEFORE THE 16TH! OH YEAH!” could wear thin.
My inaugural pick: Moe Szyslak.
He’s the only person I know who has a worse opinion of himself than I do, he’s a complete degenerate (”I had a lot of fun being you, Dr. Hibbert. One thing: You’re not welcome in the library no more.”), he won’t upstage me with the ladies and, oh, he has access to unlimited booze. Thanks, pally.
Since we’re dealing with a somewhat finite population here, you have to wait at least five picks before making another.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
I’d like to befriend otto…because he likes to get blatto
June 13th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Lenny
June 13th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Hank Scorpio. Sure the Broncos suck, but hey, it’s a football team!
June 13th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Sideshow Bob. Smart, deviant, pro-killing children, has done time in prison.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Titania.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Disco Stu
June 13th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Larry Burns.
Fat, drunk and stupid. Just like yours truly.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Kodos (from Kang and Kodos). Intergalactic travel for me please
June 13th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Santa’s Little Helper = man’s best friend
June 13th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Montgomery Burns – I’m rich, bitch!
June 13th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Professor Frink – hoiven glaven
June 13th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Lurleen Lumpkin. She sings, she’s blonde, and she has low self-esteem. Boo-yah!
June 13th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Snake. All the fucking way.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Carl. Because he’s an urban Lenny.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Rich Texan because he reminds me of Jerry Jones
June 13th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Rich Texan! Free Cowboys tickets and all the ribs you can eat!
YEEEE HAWWWWW!!!
June 13th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Dammit itguy…
June 13th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Sideshow Raheem FTW!
June 13th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Mindy Simmons – Hubba Hubba!
June 13th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Furious George
Knife fighting monkey FTW
June 13th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Seth and Munchy for their “private” garden.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Eddie & Lou – it’s always good to have some cop friends
June 13th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
@ itguy – You are incurring the wrath of Otto Man with that pick, buddy.
Surly the Duff Beer mascot — Nobody messes with Surly.
“Hey! Surly only looks out for one guy…Surly!”
June 13th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Barney. Lets get shitty man
June 13th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Edna Krabappel, she’s a total slut.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Either of the Vegas wives. Those bitches know how to get down.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Fat Tony
June 13th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Fat Tony. I mean, it’s the MAFIA!
June 13th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Whoever the little kid is who says “I sleep in a drawer” – I pick him.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Herman – I like guns
June 13th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Fucking A I cannot get one in here!
Fine. POOCHY.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Haha. Some guys like a challenge. Not Upstate.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Fat Tony. Mob connections.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Mr. Teeny. Always wanted a monkey butler.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
smurphette, that’s Kerney’s kid. he doesn’t have a name.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
DUff Man
i mean free beer
OHHHHH YEAAAH
June 13th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon – Free squishees!
June 13th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Shit.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
@dick_gozinia Why would Otto Man want to befriend himself?
I pick Ned Flanders. He has a cool basement and would let me borrow anything
June 13th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
no one wants to hang out with homer? that’s my pick. homer. he’s just like me, only slightly yellow
June 13th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Ralph Wiggum
A.) makes me look like a mensa member by comparison.
B.) talks to pyromaniacal leprechauns.
C.) sleep is also where I am a viking.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
The Wiseguy. He would make a great commenter.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Krusty the Klown. Yoink!
June 13th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Groundskeeper Willie
June 13th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Satan. Looks like Buscemi/is awesome.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
malloy the cat burglar. he could steal me some cool shit.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Dr. Nick.
1-800-DOCTORB
The B is for Bargain.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
The Wiseguy. He would make a great commenter.
Yeah, that’s a good use of an early pick.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Mojo the helper monkey, because I am very lazy.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Mr. Glasscock. I mean, give me like half a bowl and that guy would be endless entertainment for the rest of the night.
“Dude… your name’s Glass… COCK!! Bahahahahhaha!”
June 13th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Principal Skinner, i hear he has an awesome coke habit.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
do guest stars count?
because if they do i pick Sir Paul Mccartney.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Diamond Joe Quimby. Major pull.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Jasper. He was Frostillicus and once broke his beard.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Luigi Risotto, free Italian food and he reminds me of some of my older relatives.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Nelson Muntz – gotta have protection while I’m drinking my free squishees (Apu) and rolling in billions (monty burns)
June 13th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Richard. He has a quiet cool.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
I take Jimbo. (aka Corky “Jimbo” Jones)
Not as menacing as Nelson…cooler shirt and hat.
“Woah….my shirt is really chaffing me. Would you believe it, my pants are chaffing me too?”
Best. Hookup. Line. Ever.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Number One from the Stonecutters
June 13th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Miss Springfield. She’s hot and slutty
June 13th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Lisa. She likes jazz, and if any of the future episodes are clues, she’s gonna get hot.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Shary Bobbins…who wouldn’t want a magic drunk to clean your house and sing for you?
June 13th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
real estate agent Cookie Kwan, kind of hot.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Moleman. Just so i can hit him in the groin with a football
June 13th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Itchy – never know when you’ll need a homicidal mouse on your side…
June 13th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Future Maggie.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Herb Powell.
Not only would he let me design my own car, but he’d let me call him “Unkie Herb.”
June 13th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Chief Wiggum – because he as inept at his job as I am and with him as your best pal, Springfield would be at your mercy.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Space Coyote. I’ll need him after hanging with Seth and Munchy for a while.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Cecil Terwilliger. Fellow Princeton grad. Megalomanaical leanings. Utterly amoral. We’d get along famously.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Drederick Tatum – Don’t fuck with me.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Belle, from the Maison Derriere.
Seriously, I win. She owns a WHOREHOUSE, people.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Gil. He never gives up.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
its just a burlesque house porky. Only Granpa and Jasper know where the whore house is.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Cletus Spuckler.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Ned Flanders. Bible Study Rocks!!
June 13th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Princess Kashmir
Very good belly dancer.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Rainier Wolfcastle. From his talk show, “Up Late With McBain.”
“Nice shirt, it makes you look like a homosexual.”
(audience boos)
“Maybe you are all homosexuals.”
June 13th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Ha, Maj…I never get tired of Gil. Kudos.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Guy Incognito. He can get in anywhere.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
which is why i pick Grandpa Simpson. He knows where the whorehouse is people!
June 13th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
artie ziff – money to go with drederick’s power.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Comic Book Guy. I’m a comic nerd, and he hates everyone else like I do.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Howard K. Duff VIII — Free Duff, free Isotopes tickets, Duffman forced to work my parties for free? Gold.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
“Captain” Horatio McAllister.
“Arr, I hate the sea and everything in it.”
June 13th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
smaaron is a self-loathing jew
June 13th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
What was the name of the hot chick that seduced Flanders. Because she looks “smart.”
June 13th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
it seems that kent brockman is the biggest celebrity in town – big house and all. i gots to get my tennis on.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
porky, i wanted quimby!
June 13th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Professor Frink for all his cool inventions
Steal of the draft right there
June 13th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Troy McClure, because “Man vs. Nature: The Road to Victory” is one bad ass film.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Blue Haired Lawyer can get you out of any jam.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
@itguy D’oh
June 13th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
I’ll trade you Mayor Quimby for Gil and the drafft rights to Freddie Quimby, Maj.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Maggie Simpson – gets to shot old rich guy, and gets away with it.
I rule!
June 13th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Lionel Hutz.
He can do it all — law-talking guy stuff, shoe repair, babysitting … he even has a half-drunk Orange Julius for sale!
June 13th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Lurleen Lumpkin.
I now have muscle, cash, and a pair of tits to suck. Plus Lurleen’s tits can provide me with some lovely background music for when I watch Drederick whoop an innocent’s bystanders ass. And she can also play the banjo while I whipe my ass with Ziff’s millions.
CHAMPIONSHIP
June 13th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Lindsay Nagle – She was fired from her last job because she’s a predator…
June 13th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Wow… now I kinda wished I watched this show
June 13th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
By the way, Mindy Simmons is the steal of the draft.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Tibor. You can blame anything on that guy.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Bumblebee Man – All the free Goya products I want.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
@itguy-That’s why he was taken with the 11th pick.
C’mon folks, use Crtl+F here…
June 13th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Lionel Hutz. Can be my lawyer and baby sitter. Plus Judge Snyder has it out for him.
Lionel: Well he’s had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog… Well, replace the word “dog” with “son,” and the word “kinda” with “repeatedly.”
June 13th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Marge, I’ve seen her naked and in action on the internet. Who’s your daddy, Marge?
June 13th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
I’m spending too much time looking up clips on youtube to get a pick off.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
and lindsay has wads of disposable cash, because she has no children
June 13th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Holy hell the Squishee girl is still alive?! Squishee girl.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
John, the owner of the Collectibles Shop. Yeah, he’s queer, but there’s some cool shit in his shop and he makes Cactus Candy.
ZZZZZAP!
June 13th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Rod Flanders… makes me look super cool by comparison, plus he won’t fight back when I punch him
(I HATE GETTING INTO THESE DRAFTS LATE)
June 13th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Ahh sonofabitch so late to this draft.
I believe I will go with Waylon Smithers. Sure he may be too homoerotic for my tastes, but it’s not everyday you can find someone so devoted to doing everything for you just out of love. It’s like having a servant, only he’s your friend!
June 13th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Arnie Pye
Because sometimes you just need to know what is going on up in the sky.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Thanks, Otto Man – coming from you, that’s a HUGE compliment
June 13th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Ned Flanders’ mexican cousin Jose Flanders
June 13th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Too many cat woman – have no idea what her name is, but just being bat shit crazy is too cool
June 13th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Smaaron, the Hutzster is mine.
As is Manjula, the hottest piece of ass in town. “Oh, Calcutta!”
June 13th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Inanimate Carbon Rod. It’s a hero!
June 13th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Remorseful – the bottle of the Seven Duffs whom I most closely identify with.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Jessica Lovejoy – Can you say the preacher’s daughter?
June 13th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski. Basically, this makes Jackie Mason my friend for life. Nothing wrong with that.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Handsome Pete. An accordian jig is always just a nickel away.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Handsome Pete is an awesome, awesome pick.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Man, I’ve got quite the lineup:
Mr. Burns (wealth)
Mindy Simmons (sexy chick)
Nelson Muntz (protection)
Apu (free shit)
Itchy (homicidal mouse – self explanatory)
Excuse me whilst I pat myself on the back…
June 13th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Chester Lampwick:
Solid gold house – check
rocket car – check
millions of dollars – checkmate
June 13th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
President Gerald R. Ford:
Jerry: Say, Homer, do you like football?
Homer: Do I ever!
Jerry: Do you like nachos?
Homer: Yes, Mr. Ford.
Jerry: Well, why don’t you come over and watch the game, and we’ll have nachos? And then, some beer.
I could use a little nachos, beer, and football right now…
June 13th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Arman Tamzarian….pre Seymour Skinner identity theft days when he was a hoodlum in Capital City.
“Up yours children!”
“This is my apartment, and my copy of Spank!”
June 13th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Don Vittorio…my friendship-a will bring-a joy to that-a old Italian stereotype-a.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Lyle Lanley. The power of persuasion.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Jacques.
If Drederick Tatum gets out of line, Jacques can bring him bowling.
Drederick
Artie Ziff
Lurleen Lumpkin
Arnie Pye
Jacques
CHAMPIONSHIP
June 13th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo
June 13th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Jeremy Jailbird snakes son
June 13th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
No one wants to hang out with Millhouse? Me neither. As a 100% I-talian, please refrain from I-talian stereotypes. Thank you.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Johnny Tightlips
Who says I have a mudder?
June 13th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Johnie tight lips and I’m not saying why
June 13th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
@punch: That is the worst name I’ve ever heard in my life.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Super Intendent Chalmers. I’d enjoy helping him make Skinner squirm
June 13th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
i was a little late
June 13th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Sideshow Luke Perry.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Frank Grimes. No silo explosions for me…all the bad kharma I’ve built up would all be deflected to him.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
I’ll take Kang (of Kodos and Kang) as I, too, would enjoy some space travel. The down side is the possibility of probing. Fuck it. It’s an even trade.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
I’d say Bart Simpson makes for a pretty good mid-round pick. He can carry episodes.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Declan Desmond – I love to look down my nose at people and make snide comments about them. And apparently so does he.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Maude Flanders – my bitch on the side.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Milhouse Van Houten… yeah, I’m picking all the nerdy kids
June 13th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
maude is dead
June 13th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Thelma Boulvier – get to front of the line at the DMV- Priceless
June 13th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Serak the Preparer. He’s a hell of a chef. Just not used to criticism.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Cookie Kwan I love asian women especially if the sell real estate
June 13th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
Todd Flanders.
Iron helps us play!
June 13th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
Blue Haired Laywer.
Never know when you need Springfield’s finest legal counsel.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
rex banner. can’t explain why – he just seems rather badass.
/should be working
June 13th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Lunchlady Doris Peterson – A man’s gotta eat.
Final Roster: Chief Wiggum, Troy McClure, Remorseful the Duff Beer, Kang, Lunchlady Doris . . . probably not a contender, but maybe a playoff team.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Roger Myers Jr., head of the Itchy and Scratchy Empire. Free access to the theme park and his fortune, plus a chance that they’d make a proactive cartoon character out of me.
I’ve got the rich and powerful (Herb Powell, Number One from the Stonecutters, and Roger Myers Jr.), the funny and degenerate (Krusty), the shady and shifty (Cletus and Lionel Hutz), and a hot chick (Manjula).
June 13th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Sideshow Mel, seems like a decent guy
June 13th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
@big dave
so is frank grimes. this is all pre-mortem.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
Fat Tony’s henchman, Legs.
I’m gonna whack you inna labanza.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
that chick who moved in next door to the simpsons who’s daughter was darlene from roseanne.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Dr. Hibbert. He’d laugh at all my jokes…
June 13th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Little Miss Springfield
…I’ll see my way out
June 13th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
sorry Off The Books, I got her at 1:54pm
June 13th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Dammit Otto man you got my man Myers Jr.
Now who will teach me how to draw Manic Mailman or Dinner Dog????
June 13th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Diamond Joe Quimby
Shary Bobbins
Belle
Howard K. Duff VIII
John
Don Vittorio
Serak the Preparer
and, uh….Poochy.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
martin prince, jr.
do my taxes, you turd.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Hey, Bender from Futurama had a cameo once! If he’s available, he is MINE.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
The little guy in the Japanese mafia. He may not have done anything yet, but he’s going to do something and you know it’s going to be good.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Chad Sexington FTW
June 13th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Lenny and Carl.
They come in a pair.
Great work friends…
June 13th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
That’s the worst name ever!!
I’m too late to start, but picks of the draft: Gil, Joey Joe Joe, and Handsome Pete. Bumble Bee Guy going so late was quite a steal.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Coach Krupt: because I want him on my dodgeball team.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Bleeding Gums Murphy – gotta have some music
June 13th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Running thin here….I’ll take Duffman, he’s shown his sensitive side in several episodes.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
linguo
June 13th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Brunella Pommelhorst- Because she’s a tranny! Yoink! FTW! Right guys? Right?
/begins sobbing in corner
June 13th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Running thin? Poppycock. Why, the very tall man who couldn’t afford a larger car is still on the table, and that car has got to get at least 40 mpg, which helps when gas is $4/gal.
So… yeah, I got the very tall man who couldn’t afford a larger car. Am I therefore to be made the subject of fun?
June 13th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
In the same vein as the guy who picked bender. I would like to point out that Jay Sherman also had a cameo and thus I select him.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
I’m out. Recap
Santa’s Little Helper (pet)
Edna Krabappel (slut)
Luigi (cook)
Cookie Kwan (real estate agent/hot)
Sideshow Mel (good guy)
June 13th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Lugash!
But, I had a dog! Is cat now!
June 13th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
That fat white Michael Jackson.
“Lisa its your birthday” — I love that shit man.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Oh, yeah…I need a pet.
Laddie!
June 13th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
Samantha Stanky is always good for the stanky panky, you know what I’m sayin’, right…right??? Who’s with me?
Ah screw you friggin posers.
/runs from Dateline NBC crew
June 13th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
I’ll go with hugh jass, only because everyone i wanted (namely johnny tightlips) is gone.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Lord Thistlewick Flanders – just so I can hear “doodly” in an English accent.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
last one: the hot waitress that moe hired when he had the “flamin moe”.
/preemptively pops the hugest boner.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
I’m hanging out with McGarnagle, toughest cop on the streets.
CHIEF: Well, McGarnagle, Billy is dead! They slit his throat ear to ear!
McGARNAGLE (with sandwich): Hey! I’m trying to eat lunch here!
Cooold-blooded.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
fuck me for working and not getting on this sooner.
i guess i’d take chief clancy wiggum for the access to guns and evidence.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Jack Bauer
June 13th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
I’ll take the Queen of England. Seems like a nice lady. Plus Castles.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
I’ll take Vice President Al Gore (who appeared in the Reverse Vampires episode).
June 13th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Favorite moment and my “star” was Homer telling Moe, “I can’t hate you Moe, you get me drunk!”.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
Aerosmith
June 13th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Hank Scorpio, without a doubt. Dude took over the entire east coast.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Damnit, someone took Joey Jo Jo…not fair
well I am too late to this draft so I will just say….”I have to go now…to stalk…Lenny and Carl”
June 13th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Damn it, I didn’t see Scorpio was taken.
I’ll take Ken Griffey Jr and his big giant head.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Most of the good ones have been picked but I’ll go with Hans Moleman. I can throw all the footballs I want at him and he can make me feel infinitely better about myself.
“I was saying boo-urns!”
June 13th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Langdon Alger – he’s very quiet and enjoys puzzles
June 13th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
mick jagger. self explanatory.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Jackson Browne
June 13th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
Tabatha Vixx – sexpot/pop star wife of isotopes star Buck Mitchell
there’s your steal of the draft, queers.
June 13th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
two words. Ozzie Smith.
Boom goes the dynamite.
June 13th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
God… frey Jones of TV’s “Rock Bottom.” Can’t hurt to have someone to dig up dirt on my enemies.
June 13th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
Gabbo. He tried to get all Jay Leno on Krusty’s Johnny Carson ass. Didn’t work, and now Krusty’s been phoning it in for 13 7/8 of the last 14 years.
June 13th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Fuck it, I’ll take Scratchy. The two of us will get that mouse.
June 13th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
I can’t believe Smilin’ Joe Fission is still on the board. Mess with me and I’ll nuke your asses.
June 13th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Did anyone say Hugo (Barts “not-so-evil” twin)?
June 13th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Three Eyed Fish?
June 13th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
Robotic Richard Simmons. Take that, enemies!
June 13th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
Space Coyote…who wouldn’t want Johnny Cash as your spiritual advisor?
June 13th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
W-oh no one picked this guy, so i’ll pick the Sea Captain for the win
Man: I’m telling you the light would work better if it pointed out to sea.
Sea Captain: Arr, shut up. I know what I’m doin’.
(a boat crashes in the distance)
Sea Captain: Arr, I hate the sea and everything in it.
June 13th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Bartman
June 13th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
I can’t believe I missed this. Fuck me with a harpoon.
I don’t think anyone’s said Mr. Bergstrom. He was a pretty interesting dude.
June 13th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
I’m coming in more than 200 picks late, I’ve read the post fully, I’ve read every comment and done that CTRL + F thing and I can’t believe my pick is still on the board. I select Homer Simpson. YOINK indeed.
June 13th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
I’ll take Barney’s Japaneese Conceptual Artist Girlfriend from the B-Sharps episode…
“I will have a single plum, floating in perfume, served in a man’s hat.”
Best. Bar order. Ever.
“What did you do wrong dad, say you were bigger than Jesus or something?” “All the time!!! That was the name of our second album.”
June 13th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Gino, your CTRL + F skills suck.
big dave Says:
June 13th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
no one wants to hang out with homer? that’s my pick. homer. he’s just like me, only slightly yellow
June 13th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
@ phony gwynn
My CTRL + F and proof-reading skills do indeed suck. My mistake. I’ll select Smokin’ Joe Frazier, who’s appeared in two episodes.
June 13th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Frenchy the waiter.
SAY IT FRENCHY! SAY IT!
… chaudere….
June 13th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
The Capital City Goofball.
Waaaaaayyyyy better than the San Diego Chicken, Philly Phanatic, or Bennie the Bull.
June 13th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
If we’re taking celebrities, then let me yoink Barry White.
Awwwwwwwwww, yes.
June 13th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
I love the sexy slither of a lady snake.
June 13th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
That’s LARRY White. It says so right on this card.
June 13th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
My favorite Simpsons character, grounds tender Groundskeeper Willie, is long gone. I select the bonnie Scottish lass who distracts Willie from his tractor.
“Be there a cool loch where a lass can wash her long, red hair?”
June 13th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
I’ll take Vicki and/or Katja, the two chicks who posed as students to score the guest room in Flanders’ house, only to use it to film naughty movies for their website.
/Comes in super-late, and steals hot, young sluts
June 13th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
I also pick Groundskeeper Seamus, Willie’s enemy. He once did a presentation on Career Day. “90 minutes of a man drinking in a bath tub”.
June 13th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Boom…outta here.
June 13th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
The giant wolf that Willie wrestles into submission, then gives whisky to.
“Ach, do nae feel bad, wolfie. I’ve been a-wrestlin’ with wolves since you were sucklin’ at yer mother’s teat.”
June 13th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Don Mattingly and his sideburns.
June 13th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Mona Simpson – Homer’s mom
June 13th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Pinchy (Homer’s pet lobster)
June 13th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
I’ll take the smart ass shopkeep. He’s the bald guy with the mustache and acerbic wit.
“Hey, fatty, I got a movie for ya: ‘A Fridge Too Far’!”
Plus, he must be an astute businessman- he seems to run every shop in Springfield.
June 13th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
I’ll take JubJub.
/nuthin like being late to the party
June 13th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Seeing that I read along but didn’t draft…I’ll make my picks. I’m making a run on bands that appeared, cause I’d like to hang with rock stars…
The Who
RHCP
Cypress Hill
Smashing Pumpkins
U2
I’m also taking the Cheers cast…Woody, Sam, Cliff, Norm, and Carla.
And Brett “The Hitman” Hart. And Joe Namath. And Alex Trebec. And Mel Gibson. Damn there were lots of people on this show.
June 13th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
I’ll take the Squeaky Voiced Teen. He needs some guidance, I think.
June 13th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
I’m taking Rick James BITCH!
Three Episodes baby…need to get my Super Freak on NOW!!!!!!!!!!
June 13th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Adolf Hitler
FLYING HELLFISH FTW!
June 13th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
Frank Grimes…. Grimey
June 13th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
The Shaolin monk who kicked Homer’s ass and tore out his heart, then put it back, but without washing his hands first.
June 13th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
God this show used to be so good, has anyone even watched it the past 10 years?
Anyways, i’m all about Gil. We could wallow in selfpity together.
June 13th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
I got Jimbo earlier and now I’m completing my goon squad with Kearney.
In case you forgot (i did) Kearney got caught banging Jimbo’s mom and he has a son. I really like his style.
June 13th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
I’m late and new, but this is something I can get behind. My first pick is the una-brow baby…
June 13th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
BONUS PICKS THROUGH TRADE:
The Australian who plays Knifey Spoonie
Corporal Punishment
A character to be named later
June 13th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Late to the party, but I’ll take Señor Spielbergo. He can make me a star!
Him, or Baby Gerald (the one-eyebrow baby).
June 13th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
@ Probably Misses
The uni brow baby is Gerald. Welcome and prepare to get stupider.
June 13th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Senor Spielbergo is the steal of this draft.
Es muy bueno
June 13th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
Friends for life?????
So if I pick Sherri & Terri (the twins) then I’d still be cool with them when they’re “legal”?
If I’m reading the rules correctly, then taking Sherri & Terri is a rather shrewd pick. Me and Kearney could have a lot of fun with them in a few years.
June 13th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
@ Probably Misses
I think so, too.
I want him to do for me what Spielberg did for Schindler.
June 13th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
I select Zutroy. If he works hards every day he’ll get a shiny new penny.
June 13th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
@You Dead
We both made shells for the nazis, only mine worked dammit!
I think technically we have had five picks, or am I breaking the rules. Well, regardless, I take Mr. Sparkle. He is disrespectful to dirt, can you not see he is serious?
June 13th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
I pick Spinal Tap. They own a soccer team in one of the “garias”. I think it was Hungaria. Also, precedents have been set to legitimize selecting an entire band as a single pick.
Rocka Doodle Doo!
June 13th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
“Roy,” The added character sitting at the Simpsons table in the Poochie episode.
June 13th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
The Capitol City Goofball.
June 13th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Can it, Roy!
June 13th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Since there’s a lull in the draft, I’ll select again:
The smooth Latin American assassin Mr. Burns hired to take out Grampa Simpson to get the Catfish Bonanza. He’s got first rate drug connections and will kill your enemy. You want him on your Rolodex.
“Ah! Del Monte! Enjoy them old man, for they will be- your last”
June 13th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Senor Ding Dong! Trained with a whip, owns his own business, formally existed purely as a promotional device.
June 13th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
Stephen Hawking. Brains and the soothing sounds of Talking Moose.
June 13th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
Too many people taken … I’m way tardy to the party.
Going off the precedent of “entire band selections,” from the movie, I’ll take Green Day. Love that band … even after they got all “emo-ed” out.
June 13th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
@ Beatrice, Doenycat,
Both brilliant picks!
“Does anyone have jumper cables?”
“Your theory of a donut-shaped universe intrigues me”
June 13th, 2008 at 5:12 pm
catfish bonanza?
I’ll take the security guard at the Try N’ Save.
Catfische?
June 13th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
Goddamnit, I leave my computer for three hours and I miss this? Great, Now I’m going to have to pick wendell. Because I realy like being vomited on while riding the cheese bus.
June 13th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
Mr. Snrub
June 13th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
OLD JEWISH MAN. steal of the day! Him and I can kvetch from here to the Holy Land!
June 13th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
The Yes Guy, based off of the character actor from the Jack Benny Show. He seems like he would be awfully helpful.
June 13th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
Since Richard and Wendell have been taken, I’ll round out Bart’s trio of silent friends by selecting Lewis. He’s like Franklin in “Peanuts” or Token in “South Park”.
June 13th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
I will take the dog with the shifty eyes…..even though I don’t trust him!!
June 13th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
Zutroy. He works for nickels!
June 13th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
@TF
Sorry, I already took Zutroy. Tibor has also been taken.
June 13th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
I think I’ll take Akira for this one…
/plotting, evil laugh
June 13th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
Slurms McKenzie, oOh wait, wrong show.
June 13th, 2008 at 5:36 pm
For my next selection: Leopold. He’s the big, scary guy who works with Superindendent Chalmers.
“Listen up, you little freaks! There are gonna be some changes around here…”
June 13th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
For my denouement I shall select: Blinky! Observant draftniks will recall my last pick was used on Akiro, the Japanese guy.
Three Eyed Sushi, anyone? I LOVE THE SMELL OF VICTORY
June 13th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
suckers
State Comptroller Atkins.
June 13th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
I’ll take the baitshop owner who could talk me up to girls at bars.
“Well, one fella came close. Went by the name of Homer. Seven feet tall he was, with arms like tree trunks. His eyes were like steel, cold, hard. Had a shock of hair, red like the fires of Hell.”
June 13th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
General Sherman – the giant catfish Homer catches, then releases.
June 13th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
Phoney McRingring, from the phone comapny video.
‘you’re not dumber than a monkey, are you?’
‘how big of a monkey?’
June 13th, 2008 at 6:10 pm
All you gaylords are talking about “the steal of the draft”. Well I got one that beats all you suckers:
Lance Murdoch, the death-defying dare devil who inspired Bart to jump over Springfield Gorge with his skateboard. With Lance, you get hot nurses everywhere, unlimited access to pharmaceuticals, cool stories, motorcycles and lions.
YOINK!
June 13th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
REAL Comptroller Atkins
June 13th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
“I know a liquor store where we can cash this check!”
June 13th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
How about I go with Australian Prime Minister Andy. Ruler of a country, no problem with nudity, gigantic beers, large boot. What more could you want?
June 13th, 2008 at 6:26 pm
Or Bruno, the Aussie Boy’s father.
“Nine hundred dollary-doos?!”
June 13th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
“Oo Gimme one of those giant beers I’ve been hearing about! … Yeah, it’s pretty big. I guess.”
Also, for my next selection, I choose the Marine guarding the US embassy who socked Homer in the face.
“Sir! In America we don’t tolerate that kind of crap, Sir!”
June 13th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
Since both Terwilliger brothers have been taken, I’m going to have to go with the Terwilliger family patriach. He raised two murderers, he’s got to be doing something right.
June 13th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
I pick Jebediah Springfield – you’re all outta here, have fun in Stenchberg/Shelbyville
SuperNintendo Chalmers – for the schools
some ballers:
Trent Steel ‘You like Tai?’
Max Power ‘I like Tie, like shirt?’
a film critic: Jay Sherman
and, of course, a transportation guy – Lyle Langly (god, I miss phil hartman)
ps – Jub-jub, provided I can provide him with a warm rock
June 13th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
My only pick comes as a joint pick. I take Meathook and Ramrod, the leaders of “Hell’s Satans”. I would love to have someone sword fighting a motorcycle in my corner.
June 13th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
gabbo.
eat a dick, krusty.
June 13th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Hans Sprungfeld.
June 13th, 2008 at 9:27 pm
Mr Teeny- drives your limo, rides a unicycle
June 13th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
Or maybe Stampy- who doesn’t love elephants?
June 13th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
Snowball 1 and 2
June 13th, 2008 at 9:29 pm
Nibbles the Hamster- “Now Nibbles, chew through my ballsack…”
June 13th, 2008 at 9:30 pm
Oddly enough- I didn’t see Barney taken- Can fly a Helo, sings a great tenor.
June 13th, 2008 at 9:36 pm
Mr. Plow
“When the snow is fallin’ there’s a man you should be callin’”
June 13th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
Bill and Marty of KBBL – Well hot dog we have a wiener!
June 13th, 2008 at 10:26 pm
Crazy Talk
June 13th, 2008 at 10:44 pm
Mr. Costington’s, since we both have a foot fetish and aren’t allowed on the 4th floor.
June 13th, 2008 at 11:04 pm
Anastasia the tiger (prefers the stage to ze savagry of ze jungle, don’t you, Anastasia?)
June 13th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
bort
June 13th, 2008 at 11:35 pm
Gentle Ben
June 14th, 2008 at 12:08 am
@Paul: Bort is a fantastic pick, you certainly embiggened your draft ranking with that one.
June 14th, 2008 at 12:26 am
Ruth Powers. Fairly attractive, with a touch of crazy.
June 14th, 2008 at 12:49 am
I know I’m early, and she might already be taken, but I’m selecting Otto’s ex-fiance/Marge’s insanity creator (or subconscious lesbian obsession?) Becky.
USURPER!
June 14th, 2008 at 12:52 am
I am taking Max Power.
Every letter is just as important as the last if not more. Is Lionel Hutz/ Mr. van Houten taken?
June 14th, 2008 at 2:08 am
Baron Herzenberger, the descendant of Nazis who ended up with the Flying Hellfish treasure.
Now excuse us, we’re late for a Kraftwerk concert in Stuttgart.
June 14th, 2008 at 4:18 am
How about Dr. Marvin Monroe? Good old dead characters. There can’t be many left that haven’t been taken.
June 14th, 2008 at 10:00 am
Ichy and Scratchy anyone?
Didn’t see it. But my car is in the Ichy lot.
June 14th, 2008 at 10:50 am
Malibu Stacy Creator — sexy, rich, drunk, lets Man-centric Manocrats walk all over her. Probably likes anal.
June 14th, 2008 at 11:02 am
The X-Files’ Dana Scully. Hooray for redheads.
June 14th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
Another cameo pick: Daryl Strawberry, cuz dude knows how to party. I’m just going to assume he’s really as nice as he was on the Simpsons, and not as fucked up as he is in the court documents.
June 14th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Thrillhouse, aka Thrillho
June 14th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Lucius Sweet. He’s just as rich and famous as Don King and looks exactly like him. I’m building a pretty sweet team out of the also rans at this point.
June 14th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
@ Probably Misses
Good call on Lucius Sweet and your screen handle.
I’ll make another cameo selection: Tom Petty from the Rock ‘n’ Roll camp episode. YOINK!
June 14th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
to follow up my pick of bort, i’m going to select radioactive man
June 14th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
and his sidekick, fall out boy
June 14th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
I’ll select one of Homer’s male relatives who carries the defective Simpsons Gene. Maybe the one who says “My legs hurt!” or maybe cousin Stanley, who shoots birds at the airport or even the one who apires to play a millionaire at parties. I could probably arrange a package deal.
“Defective Simpsons Gene? That’s just foolishness!”
“No, baldness, too.”
June 14th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
1st Boxcar Bob…because he’s a hungry young fighter, in fact, he’ll fight anybody for a sandwich.
2nd Drederic Tatum because he’s has nothing against you but he’ll make orphans of your children
June 15th, 2008 at 9:40 am
super late and I didn’t read them all, but did anyone take that guy in the white who hasn’t done anything yet?
June 15th, 2008 at 11:04 am
Drederick went early on day one. Step it up.
June 15th, 2008 at 11:18 am
For my next pick: Groundskeeper Willie’s Dad who lives back in North Kilt Town, Scotland.
June 15th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Bart’s Bigger Brother Tom. Steal of the draft.
June 15th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
[...] KSK Commenter Draft: Simpsons Character You’d Like To Befriend For Life Posted on Sunday, June 15, 2008 by Pav via Kissing Suzy Kolber [...]
June 15th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
No one says Miss Hoover? The lady who faked lyme disease.
June 15th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
Since joe don jovi took Bart’s Bigger Brother Tom (great pick, by the way), I’ll select Homer’s Littler Brother Pepsi, I mean Pepe. He’s a smart kid with low expectations, so we’ll get along well.
June 15th, 2008 at 7:34 pm
Groudskeeper Willie’s dad got thown into the Bog.
I’ll take Superdude the hamster. At least he ‘ll get a proper burial
June 15th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
While we’re on Springfield Elementary class pets, I’ll select Nibbles the hamster, Superdude’s successor.
“Nibbles! Chew through my ball sack!”
Also, Willie’s dad was a tough old bastard. I don’t think a bog could take him out permanently.
June 15th, 2008 at 11:12 pm
Bart’s Bigger Brother Tom. Steal of the draft.
“Bart, I could kiss you — if the Bigger Brothers hadn’t made me sign a form promising not to.”
June 16th, 2008 at 10:06 am
Nobody has stepped up to the plate on Boobarella or Mr. Sparkle? Mark it…
June 16th, 2008 at 11:23 am
I’ll take the guy who’s been a maitre d’ at the dinner theater, a clerk at Costington’s and a Brazilian waiter.
“Eh-Yesssss? Eh-Yesssss!”
And in Brazil: “Eh-Simmmm? Eh-Simmm!”
June 16th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Marge. I need more MILFs in my life.
June 16th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Linda Ronstadt – looked ok in hot tub, and can sing me to sleep.
“Senor Plow no es macho, sola mente es burracho…”
/if I spelled that wrong, chupa mi huevos
June 16th, 2008 at 6:48 pm
@KennyBallgame
I took Mr. Sparkle, this is no place for loafers!
I took some time off to scout and with an armful of videotapes and 40 times, I choose Uter because he’s got bosoms and he’s full of chocolate.