KSK Commenter Draft: Current or Former NFL Player Whose Ass You’d Like to Kick On the Streets of Vegas
A roided-up Ufford takes on Ray Lewis.
This week’s draft, obviously inspired by Javon Walker’s incident, is rather simple. You pick one football player, active or retired, who you feel is most deserving of your rage. You see said player on the street, and you unload on him with all the pasty blogger fury you can muster.
I’ll start things off by taking the easy way out. A punter!
Ugh. Nobody in the history of the Redskins has pissed me off more than Matt Turk (except for George Allen and his whole “no black guys” policy, but I wasn’t really alive). He was an average punter, with a propensity for timely game-changing fumbles. But what sets off Redskins fans whenever someone utters the “Turk” name is the broken finger.
You see one day in between games Matt Turk decided to go play some pickup basketball, and because he’s a punter he couldn’t manage to get through said game with all of his bones intact. Turk claimed to have broken his finger at some point in the previous game, he just couldn’t really say when. It was a bold move to blame the injury on football, seeing as how nobody ever touched him. What resulted was a few missed games, including the playoff matchup against the Bucs.
Since Turk was also the team’s holder, that responsibility fell to one Brad Johnson. Needless to say, the game, and the season, ended thusly…
Yeah, and his brother Dan was a shitty snapper too, may he rest in peace.
I swear he would have nailed that 52-yarder.
Make your picks in the comment section, but remember to wait ten picks before selecting again, asshole. Oh, and keep your gloves up.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:10 am
I think I speak for all Bills fans: Scott Norwood
June 20th, 2008 at 11:10 am
David Tyree. Fuck you
June 20th, 2008 at 11:11 am
Quincy “Vitamin Q” Morgan. Piece of shit ruined countless games for the Browns with his obscure route-running and hands made of stone. Then, a few years back, motherfucker ruined my Christmas by catching a meaningless “run up the score” diving TD pass for the Steelers. He may die in a fire.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:11 am
Favre
/obvious
June 20th, 2008 at 11:11 am
Deion Sanders. Fuck off and die Prime Time. No worries about contact from him.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:11 am
favre!
June 20th, 2008 at 11:11 am
Lee Evans. That fucker cost me my the entire fantasy league in 2006. In one game, he caught for 29 yards – well, if he had stretched to 30, I would have won the game, breezed-through the playoffs, and collected hundreds of dollars.
FUCKYOU Lee Evans – stay outta my fuckin’ way, or I’ll Javon Walker your ass into the emergency room!
June 20th, 2008 at 11:11 am
dammit, drew. ill take kitna then
June 20th, 2008 at 11:12 am
Darrell Thompson. The reason you never take a Golden Gopher in the first round of a professional draft.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:12 am
Chris Berman…
I mean Scott Norwood
June 20th, 2008 at 11:12 am
Brady – by Bridget Moynihan
June 20th, 2008 at 11:13 am
Emmit Smiff. I watched him torture the Eagles for years, now it’s time to return the favor.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:13 am
JERRAMY STEVENS!!!
June 20th, 2008 at 11:13 am
Damnit Upstate–
Brady Quinn
June 20th, 2008 at 11:13 am
Thanks for getting Favre off the board early Drew,. So I’ll take SAPP
June 20th, 2008 at 11:14 am
T.O. for easliy being one of the biggest douchebags to ever play in the NFL
June 20th, 2008 at 11:14 am
I pull over and find Shawne Merriman passed out on the strip. I stop my car, grab my jumper cables, and explain to Shawne that I’m going to show him the meaning of irony. Shawne asks what irony is. I then electrocute him to death, thus showing him the meaning of irony.
Not that I’ve thought about it before.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:15 am
John Elway. His face looks like it would be fun to hit.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:16 am
Kellen Winslow Jr. Most players from Miami U probably deserve the Javon treatment but Winslow is the one who stands out for me. Douchebag supreme.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:16 am
Neil O’Donnell
June 20th, 2008 at 11:17 am
Troy Smith.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:17 am
michael irvin
June 20th, 2008 at 11:17 am
The Fridge. Fat worthless wreck. Plaster him so bad he could get those front teeth put back together.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:17 am
Ernet Byner. Hold on to the damn ball!
June 20th, 2008 at 11:17 am
shockey. nothing else needs to be said.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:18 am
Michael Irvin – no explanation needed
June 20th, 2008 at 11:18 am
Well done, Ufford.
I take Matt Leinart becuase the fucking Bush Push ruined one of the best days of my life. Plus he’s a colossal ass clown and I’m pretty sure I could take him.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:18 am
How does TO not go #1 overall? I’ll take him.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:18 am
Ernet = Ernest. Although, I’m sure Ernet is an asshole also.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:18 am
troy aikman
June 20th, 2008 at 11:18 am
Alfred Pupunu
THE BALL IS NOT A PIECE OF FRUIT
June 20th, 2008 at 11:18 am
Rich Gannon
June 20th, 2008 at 11:18 am
Donovan McNabb… i know your really a pussy DMAC
June 20th, 2008 at 11:19 am
cannon fire – fuckin damnit
I’ll take Marcus Allen then. I am so fucking sick of seeing that TD run…
June 20th, 2008 at 11:19 am
John Madden. Tooooooo easy! And before you say anything, he did actually play in the NFL
June 20th, 2008 at 11:20 am
@denver
gannon cost me a $1000 superbowl square pool when he threw that meaningless pick 6 to tampa on the last play of the game. i’ve never really fully recovered.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:20 am
both the announcer who misuses the word ‘what’ at least 100 times a game and the douchey QB of the hated mid 90s Cowboys
June 20th, 2008 at 11:21 am
namath. i think i could take down an old drunk man
June 20th, 2008 at 11:21 am
Elway. I’d love to punch him in his stupid horseface.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:21 am
Todd Marinovich. Idiot.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:21 am
Dwayne Rudd. Walk into the endzone again mother fucker!!
June 20th, 2008 at 11:21 am
dammit, all my picks are off the board.
fine, troy aikman, although watching lavar end troy’s career was nice.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:22 am
more of a blanket pick, but ANY random who celebrates a first down or a tackle like he just found the cure for cancer. should warrant an IMMEDIATE kick to the cock.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:22 am
I choose ahmad carroll this NFL thug couldn’t cover a reciever to save his life. Always good for a pass interference. I’m sure I’d just slep his stupid face to death like he mauled recievers and slapped police officers.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:22 am
Alright everyone, ctrl+f your selections, we’ve already had 2 doubles, let’s clean it up.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:22 am
Drew Pearson.
BDD will understand.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:22 am
Levon Kirkland. If his fat ass could have caught Joe Fucking Juervicius, it would have been the Eagles stomping out the Raiders in the Super Bowl and I could have gone to San Diego for one of the most debauched weekends in human history. How can a professional football player get outrun by a white WR?
June 20th, 2008 at 11:22 am
I got OJ bitches!
June 20th, 2008 at 11:22 am
Martin Gramatica for being a pussy and not stepping into the way of the Seahawk special teamer who tackled Romo on the 2 in the 06 playoffs….and for being a douchebag little BEEOOTCH
June 20th, 2008 at 11:22 am
Elvis Grbac. Future of the franchise my ass. I would love to catch him and Carl Petersen walking down the strip together. His failure was accentuated so perfectly by Gannon putting up MVP numbers and a trip to the SB the following season.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:23 am
Eli.
And I’d be bringing the guns of the navarone.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:24 am
CRIS CARTER. FUCKING ASSHOLE
June 20th, 2008 at 11:24 am
Ummm…Philip Rivers?? Yoink!
The surgeons wouldn’t be able to figure out where the popped collar ended and the mashed jawbone began.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:25 am
Dan Marino.
DUKES UP DAN!
June 20th, 2008 at 11:25 am
@ Smurphette: That play took years off my life.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:25 am
Reggie White in all his posthumous glory. Although he’d still probably kick my ass.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:25 am
peyton manning. 100 times.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:26 am
Theismann.
SNAP!
June 20th, 2008 at 11:26 am
O.J. Simpson = steal of the draft
June 20th, 2008 at 11:26 am
Kordell Stewart
June 20th, 2008 at 11:27 am
Joe Theisman.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:27 am
Warren Sapp. You were never as good or as funny as you thought you were, fat boy.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:27 am
damn BDD
June 20th, 2008 at 11:27 am
Dan Marino for wearing those old man jeans on the Nutrisystem for Men commercial. It’s sad to see someone who used to be so good looking like a tool with a flesh-pouch prominently displayed over where his dick should be. I think a beating might knock some sense back into him – it’ll sure make ME feel better…
June 20th, 2008 at 11:27 am
Sorry Dr. Funke, forgot to hit F5
June 20th, 2008 at 11:28 am
How does the murderer Ray Lewis fall this far? Is everyone scared of him? I know I am, but I also know I’d like to (be able to) kiss his ass on the streets of Vegas. I take Ray Lewis.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:28 am
Theisman. I just don’t think getting the boot from ESPN was enough.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:28 am
LT – For taking away my innocence….
June 20th, 2008 at 11:28 am
I’ll take Mike Vick
June 20th, 2008 at 11:29 am
maurice clarett
June 20th, 2008 at 11:29 am
Rodney HGHarrison for being a dirty fuckin’ piece of shit bitch ass player who got bitched in the Super Bowl.
/ooo-sa, ooo-sa
June 20th, 2008 at 11:29 am
Tracer,
sapp is off the board
June 20th, 2008 at 11:29 am
Michael Vick. For all my dogs out there.
Putting him in a small pen with 10 starving, angry pitbulls should do the trick.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:29 am
Ty Detmer. That goddamn Mormon interception machine stole the Heisman from the most exciting player I have ever seen – The Rocket. I would combine my Irish belligerence with Latina black-out rage and rip his face off. And break his arms. Yes I have been bitter about this for a long time.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:30 am
Dammit!
June 20th, 2008 at 11:30 am
Nate Poole.
He knows what he did. Little fucker.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:30 am
Sean Salisbury. I’d like to breakdown his kneecaps.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:30 am
Leonard Little. Yeah, kill a woman while you’re drunk, then get ANOTHER DWI? Oh I’d enjoy it. And I’d probably get a reward from the family too. At least a Bennigan’s coupon.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:30 am
Aaron Brooks. My six years in New Orleans were painfull because of this ass. Throw the ball in front of you, not behind!
June 20th, 2008 at 11:31 am
Kerry Collins, for striking the Heisman pose against Illinois in 1994 when his Nittany Lions came back and beat us.
/still bitter
June 20th, 2008 at 11:31 am
YO ALL FOGOT ABOUT WELKAHHHHH
yoink!
June 20th, 2008 at 11:31 am
Obviously I must be the only Charger fan, Ryan Leaf is the easy call here.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:31 am
Mark Gastineau
June 20th, 2008 at 11:31 am
wow, i am retarded
June 20th, 2008 at 11:31 am
Keyshawn. This is a value pick. Not only would this be a great payback for all of his talk I suffer through, throughout his career, it would also rid us of his analyst job. Also, I’m pretty sure Wayne Chrebet would pay me.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:31 am
How does Sean Salisbury getting the gas chamber sound to you folks?
Sounds pretty goddam good to me.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:31 am
Smurphette, I think I love you.
Todd Pinkston and, unlike the other players listed here, I’m pretty sure I could take him. I’m pretty sure he’d collapse in a heap before I could hit him.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:31 am
I would like 2 of my friends to jump and stab Ray Lewis to death. Seems poetic somehow.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:32 am
Wow… I truly feel that I have nothing to contribute to this discussion.
That said, I’d definitely like to WATCH some of the above-mentioned fights go down. Captain Caveman, I’d pay good money to watch you unleash some righteous fury on Jerramy Stevens.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:32 am
Damn you BDD! I was hoping Poole would fall!
All right, I’ll take Art Monk. He makes it into the HOF before Carter?
June 20th, 2008 at 11:32 am
Mike H.
That sounds fantastic.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:32 am
Ricky Proehl. You’re the reason why all these white boys think they can play WR. Get your slow ass over here and take your whoopin’
June 20th, 2008 at 11:33 am
Flozell Adams – just because its fun to watch a fat man get his ass kicked
June 20th, 2008 at 11:33 am
I was going to say Mike Utley, but then the floor in my office cracked open, flames and sulphur filled the air, and something grabbed my foot and started to drag me away.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:33 am
wayne cherbet. i’m only trying to pick fights i could win… I think one more blow to the head could kill kim
June 20th, 2008 at 11:34 am
another one for the Bills fans: Frank Wychek and Kevin Dyson for the illegal “Music City Miracle”
against the rules to pick 2 at once if both involved in the same play?
June 20th, 2008 at 11:34 am
chrebet.
/still a retard
June 20th, 2008 at 11:34 am
Are we 100% sure that Hillary never played in the NFL?
June 20th, 2008 at 11:34 am
JB Brown and Jamar Fletcher. I will kill you both, you toasted fucks.
Also, Tom Brady. I’ll add $5 to the bounty on him.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:34 am
Barrett Robbins.
Okay, maybe the Raiders still get destroyed in the Super Bowl, but this crackhead’s MIA distraction didn’t help.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:35 am
Jerry Jones, because he fired the greatest coach in Cowboys history — Dave Campo. Steal of the Draft!
June 20th, 2008 at 11:35 am
Mike Golic, not only does he have an annoying ass radio show on twwl, but he also pedals that nutricrap to people.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:35 am
David Terrell. What a worthless fucking NFL receiver, a total waste of a 1st round draft pick, and to top it all off, a complete fuckhead from Michigan.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:36 am
Fucking Chris Chandler.
Fuck him. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck him.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:36 am
Joe Namath, for embarassing me on TV.
/ Suzy Kolber.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:36 am
finish the trio – archie manning. though it is fun to watch him squirm about how he never won the big game his two mongoloid sons pulled it off.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Trent Green. concussed people and elderly drunkards. yup, i’m a pussy.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Tony Mandarich – guys built that big shouldn’t play like a big fucking pussy
June 20th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Nick Barnett. A Packer, and the biggest overrated cheap-shot artist in the league. And that includes Rodney Harrison.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:37 am
@ bigtrav: he was gone a long time ago
June 20th, 2008 at 11:38 am
Troy Williamson. Enjoy the slippery fingered fury that will ensue.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:38 am
Jack “The Assassin” Tatum. Time for some major payback
June 20th, 2008 at 11:38 am
jags fans.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:38 am
William “Refuckerator” Perry for having one more SB rushing TD than Sweetness.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:38 am
Kurt Warner: Evangelical asshole and twice as whiny as Kitna
June 20th, 2008 at 11:39 am
@ leaf: FUCK. That was gonna be my next pick.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:39 am
Kurt Warner is an inspired choice.
Tony Romo. Because he exists.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:40 am
bob bruenig, former middle linebacker for the cowboys from mid-70s to mid-80s. i hated the cowboys before watching him play. seeing him spend every down running away from the ball made me hate him and the cowboys’ so-called “system” even more – an aversion which only compounds with age. christ, what an asshat.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:40 am
David Carr. Destroyed a budding franchise.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:40 am
devin hester’s speech coach,
I was at that Illini game. Fingered the hottest chick ever in the backseat of a large Oldsmobile. I was overachieving and it’s been downhill for me ever since.
And, yes, Kerry Collins is a douche.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:41 am
Mike Rosenthal
/TJ Hushmanzada
June 20th, 2008 at 11:41 am
Terry Bradshaw
June 20th, 2008 at 11:41 am
damn I must have missed it… hey how come I see everyone else taking people already picked and Pemulis has to chastise me?? I feel like im getting picked on again by my 5th grade teacher…
Ok… Ricky Williams. stoners make easy ass kickings.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:41 am
Mercury Morris a thousand times over.
Really, the ‘72 Dolphins went undefeated? I had forgotten since you hadn’t been on tv or radio in the last five minutes to talk about it, asshat.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:41 am
Bill Romanowski
June 20th, 2008 at 11:42 am
because it was my pick!
June 20th, 2008 at 11:42 am
Steve “I’m also a dickbag lawyer” Young for being such a smug little shit. So what you know how to look up facts. Pillow biter.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Tony Dungy played back in the day. I’ll take that super-douche. And remember Tony, Jesus said to turn the other cheek bitch…
June 20th, 2008 at 11:43 am
I’d pick Sexy Rexy, but I’m scared of the cannon.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:43 am
good reason P.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Hines Ward.
Stop smiling you stupid fuck.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Holy shit, how is Steve Young still on the board? He is a fucking sanctimonious, illogical, wet hair wearing, little, fucking, snotty, asshole, morman , and I would like to kick his ass.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Todd Sauerbrun, because I know him personally, and he may be the biggest dick on the entire planet. What a gigantic douchebag.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Bubby fucking Brister.
Fuck you Bubby, and fuck you again.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Matt Birk because he went to Harvard
June 20th, 2008 at 11:45 am
Purple Jesus (Hey I’m going to hell anyways, why not beat His son’s ass)
June 20th, 2008 at 11:45 am
jeff george
June 20th, 2008 at 11:45 am
Thomas “Hollywood” Henderson, with a hatred only a native Washingtonian can have. He did enough blow to kill a rhino so he’s probably in bad shape. He undoubtedly did enough blow to kill a rhino, so his health is proably failing. No question, I can take him
June 20th, 2008 at 11:45 am
A dead heat between Cowher and Ditka
June 20th, 2008 at 11:45 am
David fucking Terrell.
David, you’ve sucked for five years, and then after catching a TD pass to cut the Vikings’ lead to 10 with 2 minutes left, you celebrate for 45 seconds? Go die in a fire.
/still bitter from 2002
June 20th, 2008 at 11:45 am
Hooks, you’ll have to get through me first….
June 20th, 2008 at 11:46 am
Howie Long.
For being a Raider, and Broken Arrow.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:46 am
@Gut Out: Pretty sure no one had the heart after the BK King commercial where he does the 70 yd TD run. Pretty much awesome-shit embodied.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:46 am
another draft day steal:
ron-shut-your-fuckin-mouth-jaworski.
case closed.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:46 am
Golden Richards-he stole my drugs! Mofo sumbitch!
June 20th, 2008 at 11:47 am
Thurman Thomas.
Those bullshit little screen passes used to go for 15 yards a clip against the Dolphins EVERY FUCKING TIME. I hate you. I hate you, you spying fuck.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:47 am
Timmy Fu@#$ing Smith. 204 yards in one game , and never plays again.
I hate him still, Fuck Him
June 20th, 2008 at 11:47 am
Randy Moss. You still dont have a rick fuckstick!! HA!
June 20th, 2008 at 11:47 am
Donald Iguebeke. It would be fun to kick the shit out of the only black placekicker in NFL history.
@ Packer fan- Your day was better than mine then. My highlight of the day was hearing a drunken Illini fan yelling, “SUCK MY DICK!” at Jack Arute. I was 12, so there was no exploits in Oldsmobiles that day for me.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Tiki Barber.
So long, fucko.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:48 am
I don’t give a tiny shit how many people already picked him, I’m taking Brady. He’s overdue, like, ninety ass-kickings
June 20th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Ocho Cinco-arrogant fuck
June 20th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Ray Finkle. You’re a professional athlete, don’t blame Marino for holding the “laces in” take some responsibility; you choked. Deal with it LIKE A MAN.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:48 am
@ Gut Out: I picked him first. Na-na-nananaaaa.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Charles Haley, not sure if there is a bigger asshole in history. Charles Haley > Hitler > Stalin.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:49 am
Brian Bosworth. What a worthless piece of shit. And your teased up 80’s hair and shitty movies can be burned with your carcass.
/trucked
June 20th, 2008 at 11:49 am
how did someone take duane rudd?!?!?! the helmet toss that cost the browns a game like 8 years ago is worth a permenant drubbing.
i guess i’ll go charlie frye. fucking shave, white trash!
June 20th, 2008 at 11:50 am
@hardawayhatesyou
I took David Terrell already, but he is such a piece of shit he needs his ass kicked twice.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:50 am
Freddie Mitchell, Todd Pinkston, and James Thrash
Thanks for all the production through the years
June 20th, 2008 at 11:50 am
Pat Tillman.
Wait….
June 20th, 2008 at 11:50 am
OK, the rules have been broken (or stretched already) so as a Bear fan I have to nominate: John Shoop. If you never saw this piece of crap’s offense … well, then you’d be in the same boat as us Bear fans because we had no offense. Take the excitement of watching paint dry, ramp it down by a factor of 10, and mix it with the creativity of a Jennifer Lopez album, ramped down by a factor of 20, and you have the “Run and Shoop.” 3rd and 7 you say? Let’s run a 3-yard curl pattern because nothing says “Yards After the Catch” like having the receiver catch a pass in traffic while moving in the opposite direction of the sticks! I hate you John Shoop!
June 20th, 2008 at 11:50 am
lavarr arrington.
-not a terrible player, but did not deserve multiple pro bowl trips. he was a shining example of why pro bowls/all star games are moronic by definition.
-refused to follow advice from the team doctor and tried negotiating his own contract with a ruthless owner, then was somehow surprised that he was blamed for reinjuirng his knee and getting screwed on his deal.
-played chess. herb shit.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:50 am
Louie Aguiar, and I would cryptically spray paint a “smiley face” somewhere near the scene of the crime.
That’d leave ‘em guessing.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:50 am
Tony Eason – fag
June 20th, 2008 at 11:51 am
Rhonde Barber. If his identical twin is such a douchebag, then it can be assumed that he is one of the most under-acknowledged douchebags on the planet. Or is cool but really hates his brother. Oh well, better safe than sorry…
June 20th, 2008 at 11:52 am
Desmond Howard – yet another completely useles Heisman winner
June 20th, 2008 at 11:52 am
Matt Bryant. Bullshit 62-yard game-winning field goal kicking, ass-eating, ball-licking, cum-gargling motherfucker.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:52 am
+1 Dat RoRo. And enjoy hell.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Rostgrasname
June 20th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Lyle Alzado, pussy blamed steroids for his brain tumor. HELLO LYLE, if that were true every NFL player would be dead! Dumbass.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:53 am
boomer esiason, I dont really dislike him, but this is because he does that retarded radio show on the fan with craig carton. My hope is to beat down boomer and while thats happening, something in the melee will end up killing carton. that stupid unfunny piece of shit.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Roger Fucking Staubach
if it’s ok w/BDD, i’d like to use Theisman’s bloody, battered corpse to shock and awe Staubach
June 20th, 2008 at 11:54 am
@devin hesters speech coach: Agreed.
@da church of the coach: Oh, lord, lord, lord….preach on brother. The years of Shoop and Terry Shea have to be the worst offensive football in league history.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:54 am
Josh McCown. 2004 I was sitting in a tent in the goddamned shitbox middle-east watching the Vikes-Cardinals game on a 13 inch TV. When he scrambled and chucked to the aforementioned Nate Poole, I instantly forgot every happy childhood memory I ever had.
Pick a worse story, I dare you.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:55 am
more cowboys hate: bullet bob hayes. guy’s hands were harder than industrial diamonds. who gives a shit how fast you are if you can’t catch the goddam ball? every completion was a self-contained miracle. the only thing he blew better than reception opportunities was cocaine. imbecile.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:55 am
Rae Carruth…skill was the only thing keeping him from being the next O.J. What a fuckhole…
June 20th, 2008 at 11:56 am
Umm, Pac-Man?
June 20th, 2008 at 11:56 am
JASON FUCKING SEHORN. Do I hate him for having a hot ass wife? Yes. Do I hate him for getting dragged 10 yards by Brandon Stokely in the Superbowl? Yes. Do I hate him for fixing his pants instead of going through a full pursuit? Yes. Do I hate him for crushing my girlfriends ass while he was at training camp with the Gints 7 years ago? Yes. Yes I do.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:56 am
Quincy Carter
/His coke dealer he still owes money too…
June 20th, 2008 at 11:57 am
Dave Brown.
Along with my alcoholic father, ruined my childhood. actually made me happy to have Danny Kanell come in to games.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:57 am
@Oz. I already took Pinkston, but I’ll be mor than happy to let you hold him down. Mitchell gets a pass only because of 4th-and-26 and Trash was never a #1 WR, no matter how much they insisted he could be.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:57 am
+eleventy for picking john shoop. i pick neckbeard kyle orton. hes gross. and he sucks. and i will also take down all bears fans who would rather have orton play than sexy rexy. after i kill neckbeard, ill have my way with the cannon.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:57 am
Todd Christensen
Nice perm, asshole.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:58 am
Mark Chmura! How the hell has this pedophile lasted so long!
June 20th, 2008 at 11:58 am
speaking of hot wives, how has no one hate crimed Jeff Garcia yet?
June 20th, 2008 at 11:58 am
John Abraham, lazy motha fucker.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:58 am
No fair Oz, you can’t pick three at a time.
I just really want to fuck up Freddie Mitchell’s face. Not only do I hate him as an Eagles fan, I used to fuck a girl who then told me she had once fucked him. Which made me realize she had bad taste. Like choosing to fuck me.
I’ll pick Ditka. I like him, but it’s more for bragging rights.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:58 am
Reggie Roby. Take the fucking watch off, asshole.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:59 am
Oooh, I can’t believe Reggie Bush fell this far! Since I’m the only other Notre Dame fan other than Smurphette with so little shame that they’ll actually admit it, fuck him for the push…
June 20th, 2008 at 11:59 am
R. W. McQuarters
As a Bear fan, I can still remember both
1) A personal remix of the superbowl shuffle back in 2001 (I can’t remember a single word but “platinum” and
2) On a INT rec heading towards TD that RW did not pick off, R.W. refused to block THE ONLY defender standing speeding to catch up, and instead kept screaming with open arms to the Bear with the ball to lateral it to him.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
roethlisberger.
but what on earth could i take that would hurt him worse than the fucking pavement?!?!
June 20th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
Mark Gastineau – Colossal asshole in addition to being a Jet.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
Oh my God, how did no one pick Joey Porter yet? Not only would I like to smash his face with a brick, I could probably get Levi Jones to help.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
Mark Schlereth.
You don’t have to call the National Football League the National Football League every time you refer to the National Football Leage. You can call it football or the NFL, you douchedrinker.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
Javon Walker.
/already did it.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
Frank Wycheck.
I just don’t like the cut of his jib. (289 can help.)
June 20th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Chris Dishman. The image of Antonion Freeman catching a ball on his back on monday night is burned in my skull, and there’s the Dish in the background just holding his head in his hands.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
I’d cut off Ronnie Lott’s other pinky.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
@Grimey, I’ll help, see my comment at 11:34am. I even coupled with with Kevin Dyson
June 20th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
bernie kosar and any other nfl player who’s name is bernard (im looking at you berrien). cuz bernard is a douchy name.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
Tommy Hutton, for botching that FG hold against the Cowboys on Monday night.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
RE Tracer Bullet Says:
“Jerry Jones, because he fired the greatest coach in Cowboys history — Dave Campo. Steal of the Draft!”
Dammit. I was gonna take JJ, because I really do hate him and I think I could beat him up, even though I’m a tiny little woman. He looks like a piece of jerky, would probably easily break in half without much force.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
@UU: You take Dyson, I’ll take Wycheck… I don’t want people to think I’m racist
June 20th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
@Jefferson Short Bus: I was going to go with Hutton before Porter popped into my head. The mere mention of his name makes me want to punch the wall.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Mike Mamula – not to kick his ass, but to buy him a few rounds for setting the Eagles back about 5 years. Way to go!
I’d also like to invite Quincy Carter and Heath Shuler for doing the same thing to the Cowboys and Redskins. I love you guys!!
June 20th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Some fuckface above broke the rules and picked three at once.
Tom Brady who I would be more than pleased to fuckin tie up to a fuckin bedpost
with his ass cheeks spread out and shit, Right? Put a hanger on a fuckin stove and let that shit sit there for like a half hour
Take it off and stick it in his ass slow like
Tssssssss
Homo erotic? Maybe. Worth it? Absolutely.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
Matt Millen takes tough-talking mediocrity to a new level. Needs to slide under a fuel truck and taste his own blood.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
Bill Romonowski.
The guy represented everything that is wrong with the NFL. Roid fiend, cheap shot artist and douche bag extraordinaire. I’d personally like to stuff him so full of pills that he’d make Violet Beauregarde look skinny by comparison. Laxative pills of course. After he recovered from that I think I’d go with a baseball bat for the coup de grace.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
Vai Sikahema
I’ll treat you a thousand times worse than yor ugly eagle ass hit that Giants Stadium stanchion.
F#@%er
June 20th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
I was going to pick Andre Waters but Andre Waters beat me to it.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Mean Joe Greene
I don’t care how many kids he tosses jerseys to, doesn’t erase his cheap shots as part of the Dirt Curtain.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
@Grimey, works for me. Wychek is all yours.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Joe Buck.
Oh, he’s not a football player? Well i still want to beat the fuck out of him.
and bob costas for that matter. definately costas.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
i don’t hate him, but I think it would be funny to bash cadillac william’s knee in with a crowbar
June 20th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Browning Nagle. Browning Nagle can eat a dick. Punk ass, named-after-decaying bitch.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
jimmy johnson, for not having the sack to seize the countless opportunities he had to give double j the thrashing that prick still deserves.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Charles Martin. Except he’s already dead. But that wouldn’t stop me.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
I’m trying to decide which Herschel Walker personality I hate in order to pick him.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
Dwight Clark. FUCK YOUR CATCH YOU STICKUM USING CUMBUCKET! FUCK YOUR CATCH SIDEWAYS.
/wipes tears away
//still cannot watch the highlight
June 20th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
I’d take any player Mike Sherman drafted in his years as GM, with the exception of Nick Barnett, Scott Wells and Aaron Kampman. I’d love to beat the ever living shit out of sherman for his 04 Draft alone (Ahmad Carroll?!? Punter BJ Sander in the 3rd?!?), but since he’s not eligible, his boys will have to suffer.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Akili Smith, hr deserves a beating for what he did to my Bengals.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Jake Delhomme
The Eagles would have beaten New England if they had been in the Super Bowl that year the Panthers made it
June 20th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
lynn swann.
because now everything that is awesome is “the immaculate ______”. fuck that with a big black dildo.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Sebastian Janikowski.
Stop lifting weights and start working on your kicks, Seabass, you fucking Shanky Shankerson!
June 20th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Trey Junkin. Giants bring him in to do one thing, snap the football, and he fucks that up. They lose to the 49′ers with an epic collapse and have nothing go right again, until this year. I still would like a shot at him.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Courtney Brown. I figure I’d take away his walker and let him die a slow agonizing death.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
Sorry marmatard.
working = glacial comment writing.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
*Franco Harris
sorry. i mis-remembered. that was an “immaculate blunderception.” sticll stupid.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Charles Woodson.
For getting paid ridiculous amounts of money to play well for ONE season. Asshat.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Eddie fucking Kennison.
Quit on the donkeys and run off to the Chiefs, hey Eddie? Well, here’s a weed-wacker on your balls. Enjoy.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Gary Anderson.
Perfect season, my ass.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
big dave,
I think you mean Franco Harris? ‘Cause is wasn’t Swann.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Nate Newton. I still ain’t got my weed you fat muthafucka.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
I can’t believe he’s still on the board, but I would like to cut Chris Collinsworth’s tongue out.
Mercury Morris was taken, but man I’d love to piss on his unconscious carcass after AJ curb checked him.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Marc Bulger, for killing no fewer than three of my fantasy football teams. I finally learned my lesson.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
I’d pick Art Shell…
…but how much fun is it to beat up a guy who would just stand there with a blank look on his face while taking an ass-whupping? It’s like hitting a side of beef–good exercise, just not terribly exciting.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Shaun King.
Try scoring more than six points on the fucking Rams.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
Mr. Irrelevant. Because he gets a parade at Disney World before he gets cut. And I don’t.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Mike Vrabel. Rivals Harrison in dirty play, and an annoying dick on top of it.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Reggie Bush, almost strictly for the Bush Push, and also for being the next Darnell Autry
June 20th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Tough crowd. Even Reggie Roby is gettin’ hated on???
June 20th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Anthony Smith. What’s that? You guarantee that the Pat’s won’t beat you. Ok, that would be awesome. Holy shit, thank god Moss dropped that pass. Play deep they’re running the same play again, I can see Moss calling for it. Beside you just got fucking smoked on the last play. OK here it comes, yup same play. Play deep, play deep, play deep…FUCKING KILL YOURSELF
/it was more fun to watch Eli beat them after they were 18-0 anyway
June 20th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
yeah, i fixed it. but lynn swann can still suck a whole bouquet of dicks.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Holly Mangold
June 20th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
Note sure if it’s within the rules, but I don’t really care.
Al Davis.
Really, just die already.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
As usual, I coming in late to the draft. My first selection: Tony Siragusa. When he was a player I had nothing against him. But as soon as he got a microphone he proved his homicide-inviting idiocy. I don’t think I’d have to work too hard to take him out; I’d stand about 30 feet from Siragusa and yell “free cannoli!”. He’d run towards me but have a heart attack on the way.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
I’m taking Herm Edwards. He’s such a pussy of a head coach, especially considering how worked up and angry he gets after he punts a game away, either by punting, of by starting Trent Green against the Colts, or not trying to win the game. I didn’t really mind when he was coaching the Jets and Pennington actually looked like he could make that team dangerous, but then Herm did a Dusty Baker on the young gun’s throwing arm and then jumped ship so he could go sink another. I don’t even care about the Chiefs, but for the sake of football, it must be done.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Joe Pisarcik
Dumbest
Play
Ever
June 20th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Steve Wisnewski.
One of the dirtiest players in NFL history. Would love to knee-cap that cocksucker.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Eric Dickerson.
Can’t believe he fell this far.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Mike. Douchefag. Vanderjagt. The spawn of all things evil and gay and choke-filled. If he didn’t carry around his little rape-whistle, this beatdown would’ve happened years ago.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Ken O’Brien. if you’ve ever cheered for the jets, you understand.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
fuck… i get to the party late and all my picks are gone.
napoleon kaufman – for cutting his exciting career short by “finding God.”
June 20th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
aww hell yeah! tommy maddox!! what a queer!!
shit, i could make a whole draft of just steelers.
maddox, roethlisberger, swann, franco harris. this is fun! i’m ‘onna wear through this pair of brass knuckles. better bring a backup.
/buys backup brass knuckles.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
Tyrone Wheatley
Way to suck bags upon bags of dicks while you were in New York. It’s not as if you came out of college with high expectations or anything.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
John Lynch. You arrogant bastard, you’re the only reason I ever enjoy watching Brady complete a deep pass.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
I already got Reggie Bush BigRicks, but it’s good to see someone else actually still admits to cheering for Notre Dame.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Brad Johnson.
Ruined the last ever game at the Vet for Eagles fans
June 20th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
Scott Mitchell.
Good job driving the greatest running back I’ve ever seen to quick retirement. I hope you actually look like Wayne Fontes now, assfuck.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
fran tarkenton. never saw the super bowl he couldn’t manage to lose. left the league and hooks up with tony robbins (?!WTF?!). has since moved on to hawking other shit no rational person would waste his money on.
yeah. even in my current state, i could still drop kick his ass for city blocks.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
Lawrence Phillips. Got eat another fucking bag of crack and chase it with a gell’s nacho cheese you pick of shit.
Sandwich pick – Adam Archuleta. Only dude who could possibly be gayer than both Leinary and Sehorn, and he also likes to shove tulips in his jock before he takes the field. “TAKE ‘A THE FIELD, ADAM! AND DON’T-A HIT-A KNOW-A BODY! JUST MOVE-A FOR DA PICK AND FALL-A DOWN! NIIIIICE!”
June 20th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
I pick Michael Jackson the former wide receiver for the Browns. First he’s a Brown, second whenever I got one of his football cards as a kid I would make some sort of Beat It or Jackson 5 joke and none of my friends would ever laugh. Fuckers.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Rod Tidwell
He plays for the Cardinals, why would he be dancing? And his agent is a douche.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
and troy polamalu.
after i kicked his ass, i’d tie his fucking hair to a greyhound bumper. the further the destination, the better.
/leans back and further daydreams that asskicking.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Kyle Boller. That piece of shit. I’m a redskins fan who hates the ravens and I HATE him!!! I hope he dies.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Ricky Watters.
For who? For what? For you being a dickhole, here’s blunt force trauma to your head.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Blake Brockermeyer. Thanks for being a revolving door at tackle during your time in Chicago.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Esteemed fellow Vikings fans Big Daddy Drew and Tdub have made some great picks (Favre, Nate Poole, etc) so I’ll go with another Vikes enemy: Al Harris. I just plain don’t like him.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Darrin Nelson.
Assmaster. Just catch the damn ball. It hit you in the fucking hands!
June 20th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Ickey Woods. I’d have him dance onto a land-mine.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Lyle Alzado. I think I can take a dead guy.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
junior (aka senior) seau
fucking die you fake retirement bandwagon jumping cockpumper
June 20th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Bobby Wade – Not for anything he did in the NFL but that dude was a prick at U of A.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Dammit.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Norm Van Brocklin! Stole the onion off my belt.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Mark Carrier the wide receiver for Tampa, for having the same name as that badass safety on the Bears.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Montana then. I just hope I don’t catch him masturbating.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
I can’t believe Shaun Alexander is still on the board. That’s a good value pick. I get much needed revenge for last year’s fantasy bust, and I wouldn’t break a sweat – he’d see me coming and fall down. Then I could just kick the shit out of him.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
@ devin hester’s speech coach
Donald Igwebuike: that’s an inspired pick.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Joe Montana because he’s never done anything wrong. I hate him for that.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Todd Pinkston, for being a little bitch.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Shaun Alexander
This is a steal if he hasn’t been taken yet. As added bonus I’d defile a cross and force him to renounce his faith (There Will be Blood style) while I kick the shit out of him.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Eugene Robinson.
“Gentlemen, I’d like to start the Super Bowl… but first, THE WHORES!!!”
June 20th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
bah, beaten by 2 minutes while I was coming up with my brilliant reasoning…
June 20th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Knute Rockne…while the Notre Dame Fight song played.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Cade McNown. Holy Havana, was he lousy. Now we know why Sid Luckman is still the Bears all-time leading passer.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Since I am late I’ll take William Scott Goldberg. That streak in WCW was a lie
June 20th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
@ Jackin – If it’s ok with you, I’ll wait to your done and then kick him in whatevers left.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
I get here nearly 300 picks in, and Steve Fucking Largent is still available?
He’s the blow-dried, prep-school villain from every single 80s teen movie, only he went on to become a Republican congressman. How can you not want to stomp him in the balls?
June 20th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
@Gino Tourettsa
Thank you. Since someone else already got Reggie Roby I will go ahead and take Rodney Williams, ex-Giants punter, to eliminate every black kicker/punter I can think of, as a favor to black people.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
qasim mitchell
otherwise known as mr. false start.
every fucking play the bears ran when he was on the team, it was a guaranteed 5 yard penalty with this retard on the field.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
Olin Kruetz…is not being a former UW Husky and teammate of Jerramy Stevens enough? no? tough. that fuckwad probably aided and abetted stevens and his…um, transgressions.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Brian Cox. Douchebag supreme , not to mention the fact he played for the Jets and Dolphins.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Shannon Sharpe is still available?
What’s the matter with you people? Are you afraid the ASPCA is going to go after you for cold-cocking a horse?
June 20th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Shit … BDD swooped me on the Theismann pick. As soon as I saw the title of this thread on the RSS feed, I was like “THEISMANN!” I’d kick him right in his crip leg. Fuckin’ bitch…
Anyway, to satisfy my Cowboys fandom, I’d take my aggression out on Phil Simms. Or at least, I’d rupture his voice box so he’d be unable to annoy the living shit out of me whenever I want to watch football on CBS.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Gino Toretta.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
cedric bensen
June 20th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Ok, I know it’s not cool to pick two at once but can I please beat the hell out of Martin and Bill Grammatica. They could stand on each other’s shoulders and still not make a full NFL player … No? Fine! Who wants to go halvsies on the two Lollipop Guild fuck tasters?
// Probably the top 10 of best moments in NFL history when Bill tore his ACL celebrating his mundane field goal in a meaningless game … (smiles to self, whistles a light-hearted tune)
June 20th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Hart Lee Dykes. F U and your stupid knee.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
@porky1
D’oh! I was just about to pick him.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
Kimo von Oelhoffen. Fuck him.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
I’m getting the steal of the draft, Roy Williams, The Cowgirl one, I would horsecollar his ass to the ground and beat him to within an inch of his life, the dirty POS….
June 20th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Ki-jana Carter and Curtis Enis. They didnt adversely effect my favorite pro team but now everyone thinks Penn State running backs suck. LJ…you’re on notice…
June 20th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Dhani Jones.
I would love to choke him with that goddamn bow tie!
June 20th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Otto Man just selected Shannon Sharpe, so I’ll take his asshole brother/asshole Packer Sterling Sharpe.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Brian Mitchell.
Not during his playing days but for his radio show that he has now in DC. He makes Emmit Smith sound like a Rhodes Scholar. That and they constantly call him “Pit Bull” because he’s such a tough guy. Fuck that faggots football career, fuck his inability to speak, and fuck Fox Sports Radio for shoving his shit opinions down my throat. I’d start off with a shotgun to the kneecaps and shoulders.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
@Undead: I know a Bears fan who (like many others I’m sure) called him Enis the Penis for years.
In that guy’s honor, I select Rashaan Salaam. What a washout douche. (Double negative?)
June 20th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Frank Gifford.
It was YOUR LAST NAME that foisted Kathie Lee on us. I’m gonna finish what Ray Nietschke started.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Bryce Paup, for costing the Iggles the Super Bowl in 1991 when he injured Randall.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
adam vinatieri – fuck your stupid all kicker fantasy team, fuck your kick in the snow, fuck you for getting a franchise tag, fuck you for switching teams and still winning a super bowl
June 20th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
@ devin Hester’s speech coach
Don’t forget Greg Coleman.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
Brad Edwards…that stupid cock sucking fuck ended Sterling Sharpe’s career
fuck him…lead pipe
June 20th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
Trey Junkin cost me a month’s rent, so for that he gets beat.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
@ SonOfSpam
Great pick with Frank Gifford. Does Kathie Lee come in the deal? Also, you’re probably thinking of Chuck Bednarik.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Isaac Bruce.
Holier-than-thou shitbird had the nerve to talk trash about Derrick Thomas after he died. You want to meet Jesus, Reverend? I’ll help get you there.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Peter Griffin.
For showing up Tawmmy Brady. Fat ball-chinned bastard.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Corey Simon, feed that fat piece of shit until he explodes “se7en” style.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
@Gino: Shit, you’re right. Was so excited about beating the shit outta Gifford I confused the two old badasses. Thanks for the correction. And yes, Kathie Lee would step in to defend Frank, then I would beat her down too. I’m tough like that.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Lance Rentzel – First he was a Cowboy. That’s enough in itself. Second, he married Joey Heatherton – smokin hot at the time. Last, while married to girl most masterbated to in 1971, he gets arrested for exposing himself to a 10 year old girl. What a fuckwad.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Paul Crewe. Not the Burt Reynolds version, the Adam Sandler one. Also, Carl Pickens needs crushed and since he’s real and not a fictional character, I will take him.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Does Matt Ryan count yet?
June 20th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Ricky Williams. Pop that hazy bum in the chops, grab his bag.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Brian Piccolo.
Late career. I think I could take him.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Marcus Vick. Really need to get rid of that gene pool. (He played one game for the Dolphins.)
June 20th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Jim Brown
not because i have any desire to harm Jim Brown, or anything but the utmost respect for Jim Brown, or believe he is not everything everybody ever gave him credit for.
just because, if I kicked Jim Brown’s ass, I’d be a baaaad mother-
and I din’t have time to check and see if Neil O’Donnell was already taken
June 20th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
Reuben Brown. Something about his half-assed attitude and undeserved Pro Bowls just pisses me off.
Plus, when the fracas occurs, he will be high, more than likely. I can take him.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Tatum “butterfingers” Bell. Asshole.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
I know this draft is for NFL players, but I’d like to kick Denver coach Mike Shanahan’s ass. I’ll do it pro bono. It doesn’t matter if he calls a last-second time out, I’m still gonna do a hospital job on him.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Anyone here in the Twin CIties will agree with me here: Mike “the superstar” Morris. This guy was a LONGSNAPPER for the Vikings and now has his own radio show where he offers up his baseless expertise on the NFL. This would be like if my sister were a fluffer, and as a result, I all of a sudden became an expert on film production. I’m only speaking half-hypothetically.
And I feel better now, thanks.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Chris Simms is still alive? Him and his whatever boyfriend he has tattooed on his leg need to get Javon’d.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
To continue my run on Asshole safeties that do not or did not belong in the NFL, I select Andre Waters. I would injure him like he would try to injure people on the field. Another dirty fuckwad that I would take out in a minute
June 20th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Dan Dierdorf. I always hated that douchetastic wind-bag.
Shaun Alexander was the steal of the draft, this could be a close second.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
With Piccolo gone, I consider the savage beating of Esera Tuaolo to be a steal this late in the draft.
(I’m saving a crippled, penniless ex-Steeler great for the next round).
June 20th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Gerald Ford
fucker pardon’ed Nixon. I’d beat the shit outta him.
and if Nixon was still around I’d go Chris Partlow on that motherfucker. Man gotta bust his nutt.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Jerome Bettis. FUCK YOU. You will be a Hall of Famer by virtue of destorying my team 2 times a year you fat fuck. I hope you someday get gang raped by wolverines. O the many times I have wished for you to break your leg. Die.
Sincerely,
All Bengals fans
June 20th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Rick Mirer.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Conrad Dobler, the original dirty player. He’s so busted up and pathetic now a fierce blow to the head would be assisted suicide.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
big dave,
I get most of your picks if you hate the Steelers but Tommy Maddox? Really? I thought only Steelers fans hate Tommy Maddox. Could I get an explanation on that one?
June 20th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Diwght Clark… the catch my ass… catch my fists with your enorm-dome, Frisco taint sniffer.
/bitter
June 20th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Garo Yepremian. How can this bald midget still be available
June 20th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Diwght=Dwight=douche.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
@ Tdub
I liked Mike Morris when he was a player, but I didn’t know that now he has a radio show. When he was a Viking, Morris’ eccentricity was funny and interesting, but I’ll bet that his radio show might be grounds for justifiable homicide- against him or anyone near you while you’re listening.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Drew Pearson.
Hey Drew, my dad tried to give you a whiskey bottle in 1975 and missed. Can you swing by later so I can give you one?
-WSR
June 20th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Joe Jerevicius always tricks me in to picking him up off the waiver wire after a few weeks of solid production and then drops right off. So I guess I’ll pick him.
1. Jason Sehorn – For personal reasons the pick of the draft.
2. Akili Smith
3. Bobby Wade
4. Trey Junkin
5. Joe Jerevicius
June 20th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Representative Heath Shuler. But I want to beat him up in DC. MF can’t even beat the DC cop team. Personally responsible IMO for the ten year slide of the First Peoples.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
J4Beats, My bad should have ctrl-f’ed before i posted (very late). I have broken remote controls because of that high(low)light.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Nick Buoniconti.
I’d break a champagne bottle over his head, and then cut him up with the leftovers, hillbilly knife style.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
And how the hell did Ctrl+F miss Birdman’s entry?
I’ll go with Matt Spaeth.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Chris Cooley.
Some people like him because he calls himself “Captain Chaos”, slams shots with his fiancee’s father by the dozen, bangs Redskinettes, and is a pretty darn good H-back.
Redskins fans like him because he’s white.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Matt Walsh. Eat a bunch dicks.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
I was going to pick Vanderjagt – damn.
In that case, I pick Chad Pennington just to watch his noodle arm flail when I shatter his clavicle.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
robert gallery – i’d run him over with an 18 wheeler because i’m thorough
June 20th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
@ WhiteSpeedReceiver
RE: Drew Pearson
Holy Fuck! Even though you stole my next pick, Thank You. That motherfucker Pearson flagrantly shoved off Nate Wright and stole the NFC Championship. We totally would have crushed Denver in the Super Bowl.
June 20th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Sean Taylor
THERE I SAID IT.
June 20th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
@ Luz
do i really need a “valid” reason to kick someone’s ass?
wasn’t it maddox’s pansy ass that got hurt which opened the door for ben “i do reckless things that somehow don’t bite me in the ass because i’m 5/6ths retarded” roethlisberger to actually get in the game?
if maddox wasn’t a pussy, we might have never gotten big gay ben.
June 20th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
I’m rather impressed that James Thrash is still on the board…fuck I hate James Thrash. Stop pointing up to god after every reception…I’m sure God just let you gain 4 yards, fag.
June 20th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
WAIT A FUKCIN MINNIT!
I ctrl+F’s ‘eli ‘ ‘manning’ and ‘elisha’
nothing.
did I miss it.
it goes without saying that i will whoop punch any manning that’s left until I pass out from the blood lost from my own fists
especially fucking eli. making me root for the Pats in public can never be forgiven.
shit, i must’ve missed it. no way you all are that retarded. Matt Millen could’ve made that pick.
June 20th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
The entire Detroit Lions 2000 – present. That’s 8 years of inept football awaiting a severe beat down.
June 20th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
I was gonna pick sean taylor and pat tillman for the same reason i picked jim brown.
that’d mean I’m a total badass and that I can fight ghosts
straight-up superhero shit
June 20th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
and if somebody already picked eli manning, plz accept my apologies, and
can I watch?
I’ll bring strippers and gatorade. cuz i’d expect you to make a weekend out of beatin on that ugly fuck, waterhead-baby, silver spoon southern fratboy piece-of-shit!
June 20th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
@WhiteSpeedReceiver
I’m glad your Dad at least cold-cocked that blind motherfucking ref with the (spent) whiskey bottle. Even if it didn’t hit Pearson, that was a great throw.
June 20th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
if somebody already picked eli manning, plz accept my apologies
I thought about it, but then I remembered that After School Special that taught me how hitting retarded children is wrong.
June 20th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Vinnie Testaverde.
That bullshit rushing touchdown he got in 98 against the Seahawks (knocking them out of a playoff spot, no less) has always haunted me. He needs a dose of vigilante justice.
June 20th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
“Hitting retarded children is wrong”
Uh-oh. Poking them with a stick is still OK, right?
June 20th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Man, you’d think after so much practice, I’d be able to tarp and dump these hookers’ bodies into the river before 11 a.m., but here I am, yet again, late to the draft. Guess I’ll take Bo Jackson, for breaking his hip and breaking my heart at the exact same time.
June 20th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Wow jc bringin’ the HATE for eli. “making me root for the pats in public…’ Ouch! I despise the g-boys, (and igles and skins) but still NO Way i was gonna root for the pats.
June 20th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Gino,
yeah, it’s a pretty horrible morning show on KFAN. I always that Morris was an interesting character that should never be taken seriously (along with all longsnappers/punters/white wide receivers), but now, his life consists of endless name-dropping and stories that begin with “back in ‘98…”
June 20th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Duane Starks, CB, Patriots, 2005.
Good God he couldn’t cover a quadriplegic.
June 20th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Just noticed something, I think that Michael Phelps looks like a MORE retarded version of Eli Manning. Next time you watch an olympics commercial, think about it.
June 20th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
@ Otto – Piccolo late in career. I thought about it, but was afraid Gayle Sayers would track me down and rip my balls off.
June 20th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
spanky datmonkey-
it’s kind of a toss-up for me. i like belichek for being grimey. i hate WBSFs. i like the Pats for their history of beating Pey-Pey, and hate them for cheating the Steelers and Iggles.
don’t really care much about the g-men except Plexiglass and, well, I hate everything manning.
it was a tough call, and I blame Eli for makin me do it.
June 20th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Tedy Fucking Bruschi
June 20th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
@ Upstate – How could you forget Willis?
Willis McGahee, kerriganing the knee
June 20th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Don Majkowski
He preceded Favre, his nickname was “The Majik Man”, and he was a friggin turd.
June 20th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
again, I’m stumped.
did nobody pick TAFKAPACMAN aka ‘The Adam’, Adam Jones?
Lawrence Phillips is off the board so I can’t think of any NFL player that hates women more openly and publicly than this fucking piece of garbage.
strippers and lawyers, no less.
and there’s nobody here that loves strippers and lady lawyers more than me.
so he’s perfect for my roster.
why, he’s exactly the player I’ve been looking for in this draft.
maybe it was just too obvious, but fuckit.
I’m gonna tie this guy to the front of whatever stupid-ass SUV he drives, and let every women he ever treated like a dog kick the shit out of him in her six-inch heels. after they swiss cheese his ass I drive the truck into a brick wall, pick up the pieces and put them into a plastic bag, carry it up the fire escape, and ‘make it rain’ into the nearest dumpster.
June 20th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Joey “Piano Man” Harrington. I’d garrote him half to death, drag him back to the D, tie him to a lamp post on Woodward, and wait for the sharks to smell the blood. The greatest evidence of the Leo’s front office suckitude? Putting a fairy like that in a blue collar rust belt city.
June 20th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Jimmy Kennedy. I would punch that fat fuck in the gut so hard that all the flavor clash doritos he ate with Missy Elliott that morning would fly out of his ass and onto the ground…where he spent the majority of his time playing for my beloved Rams after he got pancaked.
I sandwich the pick with Corey Chavous. Oh, so you think you can study the draft like an expert? Why don’t you study the art of protecting the middle of the field, Corey? How about the art of not falling down on every fly route and getting burned for 25+ and/or a touch? Everytime Chavous steps on the field, I get the same feeling as when I walk into the office john at 930 in the morning and someone has already defiled it with an egg&cheese/vodka dump. Eat a dick, Chavous.
June 20th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
Qadry Ismail. Everyone knows that a “u” should always follow a Q. ALWAYS! So, you get a beatdown for misspelling your name, fucker.
June 20th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
I met Corey Chavous in the Mitchell & Ness store in Philly a few years ago…right after he held up an Al Toon jersey and proclaimed: “Al Toon? Shit man, that n!gga was the king!!”
June 20th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Actually, scratch that. Not killing him once I had my hands on his pencil neck
would be like saying I could pull out of Megan Fox before I busted.
If you have that kind of self discipline then you’re a better man than me.
June 20th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Ryan Leaf. duh.
June 20th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Gene Upshaw. Crazy, loudmouthed shitbox Gene Upshaw.
June 20th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Smash Williams…arrogant lil prick, and not even out of Dillon yet
June 20th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
Teddy Bruschi … just because people treat him like he’s cured AIDS and stopped puppy abuse.
How about me punching another hole in your heart douchebag?
June 20th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
@ Prehistoric Martyball:
I’m not sure I understand. Everything you mentioned makes Cooley the greatest TE or HUMAN ever!
/questions self on whether or not to deny passive racism
June 20th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Onterrio Smith.
Steal Of the Draft. Largely because he pronounced himself the Steal Of the Draft and then shat the bed.
June 20th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Tim Biakabatuka
June 20th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
Commenter drafts mixed with haterade always make the best commenter drafts. Nice work people.
June 20th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Tank Johnson, and his 5,382 brushes with law enforcement.
I’m pretty sure he hasn’t been mentioned yet because he’s now on a team with Pacm—I mean, Adam Jones and T.O. If the Cowboys make it to Super Bowl XLIII without incident it will be a miracle.
June 20th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Jonathan Quinn, Bears Quarterback extraordinaire
June 20th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
Peyton Manning – Biggest crybaby in sports. I hate him and his fucking commecials and his fucking family. I would give him some native american style torture. Little upside down barbeque, followed by slicing his gut and pulling out his intenstines, wrapping them around a tree and tying up his hands and feet with them. Then I’d violate every woman in his family while he watches. I’m feelin Injun!
June 20th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
Dante Hall.
There were two clips on that play, motherfucker. You know this.
June 20th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
Tom Waddle.
I’m gonna be tired from beating on Eli and Adam.
One punch should do. left-handed.
KTFO!
June 20th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
larry csonka
who reminded me that “perfect means perfection”
June 20th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Kevin Everett
June 20th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Matt Stover…
I could take him
June 20th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
How come nobody has picked Kordell Stewart yet? Go cry on the sidelines, pussy.
June 20th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Since I don’t think I saw him listed earlier – Jerry Rice. Partly for the cornrows, partly for the continual knob-slobbing from announcers.
Also, Steve Bartkowski. I think I could catch him if he tried to run.
Finally, I can’t believe someone picked Hart Lee Dykes. He was gonna be my obscuro pick.
June 20th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Kordell Stewart, he won’t even put up that much of a fight due to his limp wrists.
June 20th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
@hollywood
off the board at 11:36 AM.
another one I hate as a Steeler fan, non-Steeler fans may hate, too.
but i’m not kickin his ass. i’d be afraid to get salad dressing on my boots.
June 20th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Vince Wilfork. Seriously, what a dick.
June 20th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Raghib Fuckin’ Ismail. Nice pro career fuckstick. How does it feel to know that when your family brags on their kids they start with Qadry? I don’t care if you could take an option pitch at Notre Dame and outrun some slow-ass white Purdue Safety. Fuck you, fuck your brother, and fuck the Wilkes-Barre/Scranton area that spawned your over-rated ass. Yeah, you could run, big fuckin’ deal. So could Skeets Nehemiah, Wille Gault, and the Road Runner. The only difference is those 3 had better NFL careers than your track runnin’ ass.
I’d like to tie Lou Holtz to a lightpost on The Strip and make him watch me kick you fuckin ass while you did everything you possibly could to avoid the slightest contact.
/sorry Smurphette, nothing personal.
/if we are going to hate on a Friday afternoon, can’t we all agree to really, really hate?
June 20th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Albert Haynesworth. I’ll step on that thug mother f@$%er’s throat all day long. He’s gonna have an imprint of my size 14 on his larynx when I’m done with him.
June 20th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Doug Brien. Who cost me well over a thousand dollars when it meant a lot of money to me by missing not one but two field goals.
June 20th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Andre Groude. It’s been too long since someone’s stepped on his face.
June 20th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
LaDainian Tomlinson, for his pathetic sideline benchsitting during the AFC Championship Game, if marmalard can go produce without a knee so can you, way to show some heart, sitting on the bench crying under your helmet.
/fist pumping for steal of the draft
June 20th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Bo Jackson.
Dammit, Bo, if you’d picked ONE SPORT, that shit wouldna happened!
No seriously, the Raiders only lost one game before he showed up against that season, to Buffalo, who ended up getting the #1 seed in the AFC. Had they won that game, the Raiders would have played the Dolphins instead of the Bengals and…oh, never mind.
June 20th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Jim McMahon. I would like to see how fucked up his eyes would look with a jacked up orbital bone!
June 20th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
not that i disagree but there are a lot of former Bears players on the list, just an observation and pretty much all of them are deserved.
June 20th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Mike Tomczak
as a Steeler fan, not just for sucking but for sucking enough to make Cowher believe Kordell Stewart could start at QB in the NFL.
also for looking like Ralph Maccio.
what can i say, i’m a ’sweep the leg’ kind of guy
June 20th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Flutie. because he’s from Boston. because he’s famous for throwing a football really far, one time. also because i think i might actually be able to take him in a fight.
June 20th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
Over 400 picks so far.
Brett Farve is not impressed.
June 20th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Braylon Edwards- three time loser bitch.
Strike one- Went to Michigan
Strike two- Is a Cleveland Brown
Strike three- Could have improved the state of the world immensely by clothes-lining Buzz when he was sitting right next to him, and didn’t take the opportunity.
Fuck him. In the ear. With an icepick.
June 20th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Kevin Everett –
for stealing Dennis Byrd’s glory
June 20th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
+1 Otto Man
June 20th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Dan Dierdorf. He’d probably take his beloved “guys in the truck” as well…
June 20th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
I fucking HATE Dan Dierdorf.
June 20th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
This is a respect pick, as in I would like to respectfully beat his ass, but Brian Westbrook, for ravaging the Redskins every time they play the Iggles
June 20th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
@ Otto
Between yesterday (who doesn’t love Runnin’ Scared references) and today you are on quite the roll. +1, +1 indeed.
June 20th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
Brian Griese. The next Montana my ass. Well, I guess that was Shannahan that said that but he can do no wrong.
June 20th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Ronnie Harmon. Not as painful as Scott Norwood, but a close second. Its always nice to learn the true meaning of being a Bills fan when you are nine years old.
June 20th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
Thank you, thank you.
Going on vacation next week, so glad to leave on a Constanzaish high note.
June 20th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
porky1, I already took Bo Jackson. For my second pick I’m taking John Matuszak. Fucking jerk managed to make retards look huggable.
June 20th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
AJ Feeley, for banging Heather Mitts despite being an interception-happy career backup. Fuck you.
Also, my supplemental pick is the KSK staff for continually doing these while I’m at work and away from my computer. Thanks douchebags! I REALLY WANTED TO KICK RODNEY HARRISON’S AND MIKE VRABEL’S WHINY, UNORIGINAL ASSES!
June 20th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
David Klingler: The poor man’s Akili Smith. Plus he’s now working on a Ph.D. at a seminary founded by Chuck Swindoll, so he’s a fundamentalist loon – always worth a kick in the junk.
Though I will say it’s a shame Bengals owner Mike Brown never actually played in the NFL, since he’d be a good candidate too.
WF
June 20th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
More like Can’t Stand Ya!!! Right?????!!!! Right?
Is this thing on?
June 20th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
@Undead Zombie Horde
I know, and afterwards when I’d be standing over his prostrate body, you’d ask me why I did it, and I’d say, “because I wanted to destroy something beautiful. Oh, and I hate the fucking Redskins.”
June 20th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Jay Cutler…I’d wait until his blood sugar was low, then POUNCE
June 20th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Steve Smith. I almost drank myself to death watching the 05 Bears Panthers game.
June 20th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
Brian Urlacher, beeches! By the way, has your son turned into a pussy yet? Nice work dad
June 20th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
Late to the draft but I didn’t see Roger Staubach. You’re gonna need a Hail Mary after this beatdown, cock wizard!
June 20th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
Jeremiah Castille — if you would have just kept your hands off Ernest Byner in the 1987 AFC Championship game I would glady be willing to keep my hands off your face and vital organs.
June 20th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
Pat Tillman… and I’m not even kidding. If I could knock his mom out, I’d do that too. He was an idiot to go to war instead of taking NFL money. He got killed at war. That’s it. Why is this still a story?
June 20th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
Well, Angry, maybe it’s still a story because it shows that there are some people out there slightly more brave and stronger than you will take a job that’s important vs. a job that pays well.
And I’m out.
June 20th, 2008 at 6:10 pm
This is kind of a steal – Carl Weathers. I wouldn’t mess him up too badly, just hit him a few times to get his respect. Then he could teach me how to putt and how to get a stew going, and later we could go for a run on the beach in extremely short shorts.
June 20th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
@TDUB:
Actually I do have a worse memory of the Arizona vs. Vikings game. I was there. Along with a 90% capacity all Vikings crowd. I had a room booked in Tempe for after the game and I drove back to LA instead. Still undergoing therapy.
June 20th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
The humongous fucktard that is Ryan Leaf. Thanks for destroying my team for 5+ years, jerkoff.
June 20th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
Jamal Anderson. Your “Dirty Bird” dance was cool when I was 12. But now I think it’s kind of fruity. That and your replica jersey is burning a hole in my dresser. And you were on fucking I Love the 90s. Get bent.
June 20th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
Mike Mamula. Combine Expert. Ruined the Ray Rhodes Era, Why was there a Ray Rhodes Era?
June 20th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
Junior Seau. Most overrated POS linebacker in history. Plus, his restaurants suck.
June 20th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
God Ronnie Harmon is such a good pick. Speaking as an Iowa fan I would beat him to death with a bunch of roses with a lead pipe in them like Eddie Guerrero.
Now I have to think of someone else to pick. Sage Rosenfels. He knows why.
June 20th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
We need more “Running Scared” references today. Also, for my next selection: the first Green Bay Packer I’d see. Unfortunately, to find a Packer in Vegas probably means going to one of those men’s bath houses like the White Swallow.
June 20th, 2008 at 6:50 pm
Well, not to death, but ooh that guy deserves a beating…
June 20th, 2008 at 6:56 pm
I know Jason Sehorn is long off the board, but I call dibs on “comforting” the widow Angie Harmon.
June 20th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
Art Schlichter.
Either I beat him up and take his money before he hits the table or I put him out of his misery before the collectors come and get him. Win-win right there.
June 20th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
The “other” Adrian Peterson.
Nothing personal, but one is all we need.
June 20th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Barry Sanders.
I know, he’s a nice guy and all, but I became a Lions fan because of him, and then he left and I can’t change teams now!
I knew they sucked but at least he was fun to watch.
June 20th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
One more tragic aspect of Motown great Marvin Gaye’s life:
He was a Lions fan.
June 20th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
Jason Elam, because he’s a Christofascist extraordinaire.
June 20th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
Uncle Tom Jackson is still on the board? YES. I claim bonus points for ESPN. I’ll leave one for you repetative MoFos. Hint: The other Manning is an investment banker. Him and his team have done waaaayyyy more damage than all the other Mannings combined.
June 20th, 2008 at 9:09 pm
Clark Haggans. Go ahead, you can line up off sides all you want to, fucker…..doesn’t really matter when I’m holding a lead pipe.
/still bitter
June 20th, 2008 at 9:23 pm
Kerry Colins
Faggot stole my brothers dog at PSU. Should have followed my plan of shotguns and a midnight raid to steal the pup back, but alas cooler heads prevailed.
June 20th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
rex grossman
nuff said
June 20th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
Why must Ryu and Blanka fight? They should team up and work to make a positive change (together!) in our society- by killing the people of Wisconsin.
June 20th, 2008 at 10:33 pm
Lawrence Tynes, because even though he kicked the Giants into the super bowl, he fucked up big time TWICE beforehand, not to mention he had us cringing all year. Its too bad this is only for NFLers, because I would absolutely love to shove kyle farnsworth off the empire state building
June 20th, 2008 at 10:45 pm
You youngsters are missing out on asswipes like Earl Morral. That QB was the dickwad who dissed Joe Willie before Namath tore the fag Colts a new asshole in the greatest SB ever – #III
June 21st, 2008 at 12:40 am
Gary Hogeboom.
He threw a nice tight spiral that was easy for the opponent to catch and return for a touchdown.
June 21st, 2008 at 1:14 am
For my next selection: former Packer’s QB and Favre-predecessor Don “Majik” Majkowski. He’s a Packer and thus deserves a near-fatal beating and a lifetime of subsequent incontinence and pain killer-addiction (with a bitch of a co-pay).
June 21st, 2008 at 2:59 am
How is Karim Abdul-Jabaar not on here? Fucking Derka Derka Derka copycat!
June 21st, 2008 at 3:09 am
Terrell Davis. Because fuck him is why.
June 21st, 2008 at 5:45 am
Walter Payton.
Ok, I’ll see myself out.
June 21st, 2008 at 9:53 am
Mike Tice. But not for his playing days.
June 21st, 2008 at 9:55 am
Dre Rosenhaus……”next question”
OR
Any multi-million dollar players who hold out because someone else got a deal slightly better than theirs (i.e. $10mill/yr vs their 9.75 mill/yr deal). Take your inidividual pick…..there’s many to chose from.
Yeah, I’m lookin’ at you Pinky….”They don’t paaaaaaaaay me noooooooo mooooore & I’m maaaaaad”. Said in a most disturbing nasal whine.
(Running Scared reference for the day)
June 21st, 2008 at 10:33 am
For impersonating a QB and a person, “Mr. Mittens”, David Carr! Pluck out his eye and skull fuck that homo…
June 21st, 2008 at 11:21 am
@martinriggs
“They don’t paaaaay me nooooo moooore and I’m maaaad”. That’s gold. I have no idea why, but I hope the “Running Scared” references just keep on coming.
June 21st, 2008 at 9:07 pm
I’d have to say Todd “Pretty in” Pinkston, because, seriously, I’m pretty sure I could take him.
June 21st, 2008 at 9:31 pm
Former Colt kicker Mike Vanderjagt. Bad enough that he shanked a tying field goal attempt in the ‘06 playoff against The Steelers, but the cretin then went on Letterman later that week and made jokes about it. Never seen in Indy after that, later canned by Dallas, and now back with the other hosers in Canada.
June 21st, 2008 at 9:32 pm
I saw someone else picked Vanderjagt, which makes me sad because he’s the only NFL player that, if I saw them on the street, I’d actually pick a real fight with.
Oh yeah, can’t kick a 46 yard field goal to beat the Steelers but you can do it on Letterman in NYC? God fucking dammit. The only reason Vanderjagt is still alive is because the Colts won the year after he left, so we can blame years of falling just short on him.
Vanderjagt has a special place in hell waiting for him, right next to Scott Norwood.
However, I’m picking Antonio Cromartie, mostly because of the Colts/Chargers game last season. Here’s hoping he wanders into Merriman’s mobile rape chamber.
June 22nd, 2008 at 4:40 am
chris mortensen
because anonymous sources are telling him that an asskicking may happen in the near future
June 22nd, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Michael Strahan.
MORE MEAT!
June 22nd, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Moose Johnston. You’re not on the Cowboys anymore, you fucking shitstain. How about some objective observation just ONE FUCKING TIME. Oh yeah, nice name too, you fucking idiot.
June 22nd, 2008 at 6:05 pm
@DanC
I thought it was Todd “two in the” Pinkston?
June 22nd, 2008 at 8:01 pm
As a buccaneers fan i gotta go with:
1. Kenyatta Walker for being offsides almost every fucking play
2. Steve Spurrier
3. Steve Deberg
4. Vinny Testeverde
5. Bo Jackson…what a waste of the first round draft.
June 22nd, 2008 at 9:43 pm
Didn’t Bo Jackson get hurt in the Techmo Bowl?
June 22nd, 2008 at 9:46 pm
R.I.P Bo Diddley:
“Bo [Jackson], you don’t know Diddley!”
June 23rd, 2008 at 1:14 am
Can I beat the shit out of Otto Man for pretending to be a Chiefs fan before I beat up Lin Elliot?
June 23rd, 2008 at 10:18 am
Ronnie Harmon was a great pick…
how about Jonathan Hand for breaking Kelly’s knee two years in a row.
or Tedy Freaking Bruschi for ruining the only nationally televised Bills game three years ago?
oh no, Mike Williams (the tackle from Texas) for setting the Bills back five years.
or finally Jeff Hostetler… just drop the damn ball. Dammit!
one more… Bryan Cox… what a dousche bag.
June 23rd, 2008 at 10:21 am
I know that I am about 5 weeks late to this draft but out of 470 something picks………………….HOW IS CHRIS COLLINGSWORTH STILL ON THIS BOARD?? FUUUUUUCKING DIE YOU PIECE OF SHIT
June 23rd, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Andre Rison – value pick
June 23rd, 2008 at 12:33 pm
Cris Collinsworth was taken on Friday. Sorry.
How about Fred “The Hammer” Williamson for talking shit before the super bowl and getting KTFO by an offensive player on Green Bay (I think). I know he was a badass in A Low Down Dirty Shame, but he’s old now and can get the asp to the knees.
June 23rd, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Jay Cutler, hell I probably dont have to even kick his ass. Stuff some sugar down his throat and take his insulin away, diabetic fuckhead.
June 23rd, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Gary Anderson
June 23rd, 2008 at 8:21 pm
Dierdorf has a way of jinxing teams in the booth. Why can’t he go to FOX and stop raping my AFC ears?
Anyway, my pick is Junior Seau. I didn’t mind him so much during the SD days, but after that whole “graduation” speech and fake retirement, I loathe his ass. Plus he plays for the cocksucking sons of whores. I’d like to bash him with a bicycle Ryu Ga Gotoku style.
June 25th, 2008 at 4:42 am
I would like to kick the ass of Mike Vanderjagt….he’s one of those guys who gets A’s on everything except the final….then he just kicks the final wide left, even though the professor gave him the answers.
June 25th, 2008 at 11:49 am
Tim.Fucking.Couch. for a few reasons
1) as long as his shoulders broken, he aint gonna put up a fight
2) this occurred right after the Browns returned, so not only did I have to deal with his shit, I had to “be thankful” we even had a fucking team
3) He lost to KELLY HOLCOMB for christs sake
4) Future of the Franchise? I grew up watching Kosar, and Couch sure as fuck wasnt the Future Kosar
5)Donovan Mcnabb went right after him, and I would trade Couch for Mcnabb or Germaine ANY DAY OF THE WEEK
Since im late to the party, I hope its ok if i make some extra picks
Webster Slaughter. YOUR JOB WAS TO BLOCK A CORNER SO BYNER COULD WALTZ INTO THE ENDZONE, HOW DID YOU FUCK THAT UP YOU STUPID DOUCHE?
Ozzie Newsome. Not for anything he did on the field, but for being the GM of the Ravens and not returning to Cleveland when he had the chance
Reuben Droughns. he cost us our whole D-line and went on to mediocrity, then he goes and ruins my Fantasy team last season