If You Can’t Appreciate A Fackin’ Bawstun Team Winning A Championship, MAYBE YOU DON’T LIKE SPARTS!
FINALLY! We won! WE fackin’ won! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK!
(keys nearby car)
I don’t know how WE did it, but somehow WE fackin’ pulled together as a Nation and fackin’ gawt it done! Even with fackin’ Dahkie Rivahs in chaaaahge! Even with the fackin’ refs havin’ in it far us, like they always do! We thah fans took this team on ow-uh backs and WON IT ALL! ANOTHER FACKIN’ TRIUMPH FAR THAH CELTICS NATION! You fackin’ hatahs out they-ah just gawt sarved up anathah fackin’ dose of fackin’ BEANTOWN GREATNESS!
(smokes thirty Parliaments at the same time)
Gawd, when I think of how fackin’ lawg we’ve been waiting far this title. I had to spend ovah twenty fackin’ yee-ahs nawt giving a fack about the Celtics. Then that one dahkie died. Then that othah fackin’ dahkie died. Then that fackin’ greasy dago Pitino came through the fackin’ do-ah. NO OTHAH FAN BASE COULD PAWSSIBLY UNDAHSTAND WHAT THE FACK WE WENT THROUGH!
(smashes nearby Latino man with pint glass)
And now ow-uh loyalty has been fully repaid! We fackin’ earned this title! No way this team wins jack shit without the legendary suppart of the QUINZEE FAITHFUL! After everything we’ve been through, this title was lawng fackin’ ovahdue! WE DESERVE THIS TITLE MOR-AH THAN ANY FANS OF ANY OTHAH FACKIN’ TEAM HAVE DESERVED ANY OTHAH TITLE!
(keys another car)
I would just like to take this awppahtunity tah extend a haaaaahty FACK YOU to commissionah Rahjah Goodell of the NFL. You fackin’ prick! You let the gawddamn Giants win the Supah Bowl when everyone knows full well that the fackin’ Pats were-ah the bettah team that day. YOU CHEATED US, GOODELL! This should have been the greatest sparts yee-ah one city has evah had. AND YOU DROPPED THE FACKIN’ BAWL! You gawt sam fackin’ nerve, yah fackin’ red-hayuhd assbandit!
(takes off shirt, waves it in air for 90 straight minutes)
I will never farget this! Even when we dawminate, WE CAN’T GET ANY JUSTICE! I won’t be able to enjoy the title as much as I want to now! It’s nawt fackin’ fay-uh! WE WERE-AH RAWBBED!
And to awl yah fackin’ Bawston hatahs out they-ah, I’d like to invite you to FACKIN’ SACK MY CAWK! Jealous much, pillowbitahs? Well, if you can’t appreciate a fackin’ Bawstun team winning a championship, MAYBE YOU DON’T LIKE SPARTS! Far real, you should seriously rethink yar priarities, YAH FACKIN’ LOSAHS! Everyone knows that the warld is a bettah place when a fackin’ Bawston team is on tawp. THIS CANNOT BE DISPUTED! No othah town has this kind of history, or fan base. WE MAKE EVERYTHING BETTAH!
(cranks Godsmack album)
And how can you hate this C’s team? If you love basketball, or only like it when yar team is good like I fackin’ do, THEN YOU GAWTTA LOVE THIS TEAM! Look at Pawl fackin’ Pee-uhce. I never thawt that dahkie would amount to jack shit. Looks like one of my Chaaaaahlestown boys finally stabbed some sense into him! And Kevin Fackin’ Gaaaaaahnet? WE DESERVED HIM! HE’S OW-UHS NOW! And my boy Eddie House! Everyone loves my buddy House! I wish a REAL playah like LARRY FACKIN BIIIIRD were on the team. But what the fack can you do? Gawd, Larry was the greatest EVAH!!!!
This is the kind of team everyone should get down on their fackin’ knees and warship, even if you aaaaaahn’t from hee-ah. Even if yar a Lakah fan. If you can’t appreciate this team or it’s amazing fans, MAYBE YOU DON’T DESERVE TO EVAH BE HAPPY!
(gets 33rd tattoo)
Especially you, Lakah fans. You faggots don’t even show up to the game on time. YOU DIDN’T DESERVE THIS TITLE, YOU CAWK-SACKIN’ ASSFAGS! Maybe you can find some Kleenex is yar fackin’ man-parses, yah fackin’ assticklahs! We Bawston fans show on time, cheer far the home team, and boo the othah team. LET’S SEE SOME OTHAH GROUP OF FANS DO THAT! You guys ahhhh just a bunch of wannabes! Yar just a bunch of fackin’ staaaaahfackahs!
Omigawd, is that Matt Damon? HOLY SHIT, MATT DAMON IS AWN MY FACKIN’ STREET! HE’S NAWT LIKE THE REST OF HOLLYWOOD! HE’S TRUE TO HIS ROOTS! MATTY, GIVE TAWMMY AN AWWWTOGRAPH!
Damon: Get away from me.
No prawblem, Matty! You ahhhh the fackin’ MAN!
(keys one last car)
So savor this moment, Bawston fans. Once again, we have proven that no one can fackin’ stawp us! Sack on that, Kobe! For once, YOU gawt the surpise buttfackin’!
YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK!
UPDATE: Yup, just as I expected
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, guhhh, thank god the pats lost the Super bowl, Tommy from Quinzee, trying ot ruin your good time, you'll never hear the end of it
June 18th, 2008 at 10:52 am
HAHAHA. Word. I was at a bar by the Garden (Gahhden) last night and then in the thick of the subsequent rioting… this post is so accurate, Drew, that I’m convinced you must have been there with me. I got hit on by this exact guy at LEAST 72 times.
I didn’t key any cars though
facking 5-0 cramping my style, naw mean?
June 18th, 2008 at 10:53 am
WTF is that little frowny face… get out of my post you assclown.
June 18th, 2008 at 10:58 am
There is so much goodness in this post I literally don’t know where to begin. Huge thumbs up for the funniest Tawmee post ever.
/was rooting for the celtics last night, btw
//congrats futuremrs
June 18th, 2008 at 11:00 am
Since when did you hire Simmons?
June 18th, 2008 at 11:02 am
The real gem was “(cranks Godsmack album).”
Christ, we should firebomb that city based on Godsmack alone.
June 18th, 2008 at 11:03 am
Sack on that, Kobe! For once, YOU gawt the surpise buttfackin’!
If wishing made it so. I love watching Kobe Bryant suffer and lose.
@futuremrs: I have previously expressed displeasure over the emoticons, but alas, my pleas have gone unheeded.
June 18th, 2008 at 11:04 am
still laughing. however, that wasn’t a shirt Tommy waived in the air for 90 minutes. It was a Larry Bird jersey.
June 18th, 2008 at 11:05 am
@UU
A home Larry Bird Jersey, of course.
June 18th, 2008 at 11:07 am
(cranks Godsmack album)
Fucking. Awesome.
June 18th, 2008 at 11:09 am
@FLS, with a Welkah jersey underneath it.
June 18th, 2008 at 11:10 am
The only funny Boston-racism jokes are KSK Boston-racism jokes.
“Then that fackin’ greasy dago Pitino came through the fackin’ do-ah.”
I had no idea we hated Italians, but admittedly, it’s hard to keep track.
June 18th, 2008 at 11:13 am
In one locker room, there is champagne spraying.
In the other locker room, there is weeping.
In one locker room, an NBA legend passes the torch to a man that was waited years for this.
In the other locker room, a future hall of famer realizes he failed again on his own.
/Platschke’d
June 18th, 2008 at 11:15 am
“Everyone loves my buddy House” - nice (no so) subtle dig. Very nice.
June 18th, 2008 at 11:20 am
something tells me commenter Dubey from the last post didn’t enjoy this one.
June 18th, 2008 at 11:21 am
“stabbed some sense into him”
That’s poetry. I think I have something in my eye
June 18th, 2008 at 11:26 am
Would it have killed the C’s to throw their fans a bone and drop Pollard so they could sign Welkah and put him on the end of the bench for the Finals? I think not.
June 18th, 2008 at 11:30 am
About two-thirds of the way through I stopped giggling and started wondering…how freaking long does it take to write these posts? Do you write it normally and then go back and edit in all the facks and cawks?
June 18th, 2008 at 11:31 am
Tawmmy can almost fahgive the C’s fah leavin’ Scalabrine offa the rostah–it was a favah to David Stahhn so the Lakah queeahs wouldn’t just get swept.
WELKAHHHH!!!!
/Lakers fan, true Celtic Hatred re-emerged sometime in April
//Amazed LA got as far as they considering Kobe is a cock of the highest order
///Realizes karma is harsh but fair
June 18th, 2008 at 11:41 am
at least last night gave us this post. bravo drew, and fuck boston
/bitter the wiz didn’t get a shot at this team
June 18th, 2008 at 11:44 am
damnit, Canada Dry. +1
i’ve been ignoring simmons for the entire playoffs for this exact reason.
June 18th, 2008 at 11:46 am
“We Bawston fans show on time, cheer far the home team, and boo the othah team. LET’S SEE SOME OTHAH GROUP OF FANS DO THAT!”
Bee-yootiful
June 18th, 2008 at 11:47 am
As much as I hate Boston, I wanted the Celtics to win, based on my general principle of not supporting rapists. But to make me feel less dirty, let me just say:
18-1
18-1
18-1
18-1
18-1
18-1
Wow. Thank God the Pats lost indeed.
June 18th, 2008 at 11:56 am
Technically the Celtics have 18-1 championships
June 18th, 2008 at 11:58 am
Yup, this post is the beer chaser to the bitter shot of rotgut of having to root for a Boston team because I dislike Kobe Bryant so much.
On that note:…..18 - 1
June 18th, 2008 at 11:59 am
It’s the Yankees suck chant right after the victory in another sport that lends the post the most authenticity.
June 18th, 2008 at 11:59 am
How do you know Tommy doesn’t like the Modern Lovers, they’re from Boston?
Oh right…jew.
June 18th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
@johndewar
You think offsetting a hatred for Boston and Kobe Bryant is tough?
Try being a Lakers fan who wishes Kobe would “accidentally” step in front of the team bus.
June 18th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
/grew up in Boston
//have the accent
///escaped the horror of pouring concrete like the rest of those retards
June 18th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Red Sox - World Series Champs
Celtics - World Champs
Patriots - 3 Super Bowls this decade
Boston really is the Hub of the sporting Universe.
June 18th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
@porky1: Ouch.
You and the eleven other guys on the Lakers seem to be on the same page.
June 18th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Red Sox - World Series Champs
Celtics - World Champs
Patriots - 3 Super Bowls this decade*
Big fat fackin asterik
June 18th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Don’t the Red Sox have 2 championships this decade? I guess it’s hard to keep up on all the bandwagons.
June 18th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
@johndewar
Only eleven? You’re forgetting the guys who didn’t dress, the coaching staff, the trainers, the hot dog vendors…
I went to a friend of my GF’s house for BBQ and Game 4 and while I love seeing other Lakers fans, running into the sheer Kobe love they exuded (including their poor kids) almost put me off my rib tips.
June 18th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
The only basketball fan I know and see on a regular basis is a Celtics fans. He is also a Bostonian who, despite having lived in this country for almost a decade, has the strongest American accent I have ever heard. On the one hand, I am dreading seeing him again. On the other, I’m looking forward to it just to see how it stacks up against TAWWMY’S celebration
June 18th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
I have a man crush on Tommy from Quinzee.
June 18th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
I just hope I live long enough to see Boston slink back into sports oblivion like they were for a good part of the first 25 years of my life. As much as I love the Tawwmy from Quinzee posts, I’d much rather watch these ass clowns crying in their Sam Adams for several decades.
/haterade
June 18th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
Being born and bred in Boston, I often have the unique opportunity to observe Tommy’s in their natural habitat. For example, this gem of dialogue from last night:
Harmless retard: Go Celtics! YEAAA!
Guido Tommy: The faack you just yell at me you f’n yagoff??
And scene! It got punchy.
/have the accent
//Tommy is 70% fact
June 18th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
[...] Garnett, today’s Enumerative clearly proves some things are impossible no matter how many shrieking Tawmmys agree with you. Filed under: Blog Buddies by Orson [...]
June 18th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Point of order: “SPARTS!” seems to verge dangerously close to Bill Swerski’s Superfans. Perhaps “SPAHHHHTS” would convey the contemptuousness of the Boston accent with greater onomatopoetic force. Merely a minor constructive criticism.
June 18th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
The Simmon’s podcast will now just be 60 minutes of jizzing all over himself about all things Boston, oh wait that is every podcast.
18-1
June 18th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
39 posts and not one Boston fan has called BDD an asshole yet?
June 18th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
I just provided the link to this post to a boston.com blog to make sure that their celebration is tempered with a bit of reality with regards to their inner Tawmmy’s.
I don’t know if they’ll post my comment, but we’ll know soon enough if a bunch of fackin’ wahoos show up to trash the place.
June 18th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
I think Simmons is a little afraid. He used to write semi-witty, self-deprecating blogs about his beloved teams and the constant agony of defeat–and whatever you think of his writing, losers are usually good entertainment.
All this Boston-area success is murder on his angle. What the fuck is he supposed to write about now without coming off as a smug front-running jackass? Keep bringing up Buckner and Magic’s baby-hook and the 85 Super Bowl and Ray Borque’s Boston victory parade from a Colorado NHL title like any of that shit matters now that Boston is the New New York? Columns built around Road Rules Challenge, Rocky, and Vegas might get you a weekly award at blogger.com but at ESPN he’s got to be thinking the gravy train will end sooner or later.
Well, unfortunately, Simmons can rest easy. Andy Rooney was on 60 Minutes annoying the shit out of America more than Simmons could ever dream of and he kept his job for 12 centuries. Even when America finally turns on Boston the way it turned on NY, LA, Dallas, San Francisco, and every other city that Joe Schmoe figures is full of jackasses who like the smell of their own shit, Simmons will keep his job. (And it’s coming…)
June 18th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
leave it to that “dahkie” tiger woods to undermine the celtics championship news day.
actually, i care more about that than basketball. still, those boston fans just can’t ever catch a break, or something.
June 18th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Go to the boston.com blog posted above by jackin4beats, click on the pics of fans celebrate and go to the second pic, HOLY FUCKING JESUS ON A JOYSTICK! Look at the teeth on the fucker in the background just above the thirteen year old. They look like a set of those fucking hillbilly novelty teeth, only there not.
June 18th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Poor little babies, don’t have anything to say other than Pats Suck. That’s how you react to a basketball game. The Patriots Suck. I thought you guys were smarter and funnier than that? Where’s the wit, where’s any sense of originality? I know one or two of you actually has a journalism degree so I’d expect slightly better writing. The cheap shots you take usually have a slightly better and edgier angle, but instead you fall back on lame formulaic comedy. Shut down you blog boys, you could make some real money writing for sit-coms. I hear According to Jim is hiring…..
I’ll buy you terrible towel to cry in if you want. It won’t make seeing Boston win another title any easier but at least the tears won’t wash the buffalo wing stains off your shirts.
June 18th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
@ Buzz’s Horse……. He’s got a cigar in his mouth. He’s holding it in the first pic.
\How many days til the NFL returns?
June 18th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Its true we’re so lame!
Honestly I was waiting for this post all day (although the one before it was just hurtful). Every fanbase has a subset of complete douchebags like Tawmmy, but with 6 major sports championships in 8 years, our douchebags are that much more douchebaggy, and would probably win against any other city’s douchebags in a contest of douchebaggery.
/Every time I’m in line for a bar in Boston I wish someone would dynamite Quincy at the city line and let it drift out to sea.
June 18th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Is Pip really Jason Garrett?
June 18th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
it took a while but Pip finally came through.
June 18th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
@ Lil Lebowski Urban Achievers ….. thanks for pointing that out, I was almost afraid to leave work for lunch knowing THAT was running amuck. Altho I saved the pic and blew it up, and still only see a giant fang, still looking for the cigar.
June 18th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Ok I get it now, matched his eyebrows from the first pic to the second. Oh well…..
June 18th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
@jackin’4beats
Rather than posting this link to some other site, it would have probably been easier to just cut to the chase and post “I have way too much time on my hands.”
June 18th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
The guy in the third pic dressed up like a giant solo cup looks alot like Tommy, no? I wonder if the getup is for catching all that masshole jizz so he can swim in it.
June 18th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
@ handfulofpeter……yes, but looking at the pics, you can really get a sense of the douchery.
June 18th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
I just can’t wait til it’s Philly’s turn to be the sports hub. I’ll gladly trade getting shit on by KSK et al. for three Super Bowls in four years, two World Series in a decade and a Stanley Cup and/or a NBA title.
/emo eagle
June 18th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
RE Matt Says:
“About two-thirds of the way through I stopped giggling and started wondering…how freaking long does it take to write these posts? Do you write it normally and then go back and edit in all the facks and cawks?”
I, too, wonder… maybe he has a Boston fan template and just fills in the details. The cameo from Matt Damon was enjoyable.
According to this post, Boston fans seem to have a fondness for keying cars. Is this typically a part of their sports celebrations, the waving of shirts and keying of cars?
June 18th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
@UU
You just had to be patient. Most of the should be getting out of jail right about now.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Gotta love the justification on smashing windows from a youtube commenter:
“This was the exception more than the rule. The majority of the fans were well behaved and just enjoying the fun. They may have been Laker fans.”
June 18th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
@Slash
I’ve been in the city for all the championships except the first superbowl and haven’t had my car keyed but if thats the worst of it than I would call that progress considering the following:
2001 SB: Vehicular Homicide at Northeastern
2004 ALCS: Rioters shot with beanbags- girl dies
2004 WS: Cars set on fire
2004 SB: Ugliest hookup of my life (just thought i’d throw that in there)
2007 WS: Some dickhead breaks off my sideview mirror
2008 NBA: Cars are keyed.
/the waving of shirts shall continue
June 18th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
According to Jim is hiring???
/tweaks resume
June 18th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Boston - the only city that can make really shitty coaches winners, e.g. Francona and Rivers.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
“Especially you, Lakah fans. You faggots don’t even show up to the game on time. YOU DIDN’T DESERVE THIS TITLE, YOU CAWK-SACKIN’ ASSFAGS! Maybe you can find some Kleenex is yar fackin’ man-parses, yah fackin’ assticklahs!”
Okay, you must admit, the lad does have a point here.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
God bless you pip!
June 18th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
I have no problem congratulating the Celtics on winning. Mostly because at this point, I take the NBA about as seriously as pro wrestling.
/Stern would have gone Tonya Harding on Tim Duncan and Chauncey Billups if it were another Spurs-Pistons Finals
/I hope the Celtics ship the GMs of the Sonics and the Timberwolves championship rings, because God only knows Paul Pierce wasn’t going to pull this shit off by himself dragging around Sam Cassell’s Rotting Corpse for seven games
/Doc Rivers is STILL one of the worst coaches in the NBA
/Still bitter about the Pacers getting shafted in 2004.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
[...] I the only one to make that joke? I outsource all Celtics commentary to Big Daddy Drew. Comments 0 Share [...]
June 18th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
[...] Yglesias 3:17 “Omigawd, is that Matt Damon? HOLY SHIT, MATT DAMON IS AWN MY FACKIN’ STREET! HE’S NAWT L… [...]
June 18th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
I heard the people of Boston have awarded Robert Parish and Dennis Johnson Retroactive Whiteness in Memory for services rendered. Kevin Gernett, Ray Allen and Paul Pierce will be awarded in 20 years.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
“Garnett” that is. Also, Bill Russell is still in consideration, but not yet approved.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
This is hilarious!
June 18th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
Remember how difficult it was for those of us not in San Diego or New England to decide who to root for in the AFC Championship? That was how difiicult it was for me regarding Celtics vs. Lakers. I decided on “the team not lead by a rapist.”
Congratulations to thefuturuemrs., allie, and all the Bahstan fans who are not actively destroying property.
June 18th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
*difficult
June 18th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
Just so we’re clear. When your Boston sports fan brags about their championship number 17, we just tell them 17 is the solution to 18-1.
That should take the wind out of their sails, assuming they’re smart enough to understand the irony. Or subtract.
June 18th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
Dennis Johnson, Malcom X and Redd Foxx are all late geniuses of African-American heritage and culture, but who all had light skin and incongruous freckles and reddish hair. If you mix the African and the Celtic, you’ve got a Super Bad combination.
June 18th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
I wish a REAL playah like LARRY FACKIN BIIIIRD were on the team. But what the fack can you do? Gawd, Larry was the greatest EVAH!!!!
(gets fellated by Simmons for 30 minutes)
——
June 18th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
That was the funniest fucking thing I have read in a long time. I was fucking crying. All you needed was a comment about Bobby Facking Orr.
June 18th, 2008 at 9:54 pm
People in Boston don’t know who Bobby Orr is. Of course that won’t stop them from bragging about they were a fan of his for years when the Bruins start winning again.
June 18th, 2008 at 11:43 pm
@handfulofpeter’scawk: what’s that you say?
June 19th, 2008 at 1:57 am
@MonkeyBusiness
/Still bitter about the Pacers getting shafted in 2004.
Shit, I’m still bitter about the Pacers getting shafted in 1998 and 2000.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:29 am
Looks like Tawmmy’s brother got into a car accident that night.
http://www.yayhooray.com/thread/151137/6%3A13AM-Drunk-Teen-Hits-Pole—My-Parked-Car-%28w–pics%29
June 20th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
[...] I found this to be pretty funny. If you are easily offended, you probably shouldn’t read it. [...]
June 20th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
OK…C’s fan… but this made me spray my fackin dunkins all over the pahlah. Extremely funny. Unfortunately, not entirely innaccurate. Any fan of any sport in any town who refers to the team or its players as “we” should be killed. Then Kobe should rape their corpse.
“TravisHenrysDustyRubbers” is the single funniest post-name I have ever read in my life. Whoever you are…you are a genius.
June 20th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Alas, this is all too true. It sucks being an intelligent die-hard sports fan living in Boston. Sure, I get championships thrown at me all the time, but I have to celebrate with dumb motherfuckers…
June 20th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
drew, goddammit. how the hell do you still manage to crack my ass up when i know damn well this post is coming and thought i was prepared for it.