If Barack Obama’s Gonna Win This Election, He’s Gonna Have To Do A Better Job Winning Over Racist Voters


Chris Matthews: Oh my goodness, what a primary season this has been! I cannot believe it’s finally over! I tell ya, it like a great OVERTIME FOOTBALL GAME that kinda tires you out, but that you’re sad to see end! You got Clinton vs. Obama. Just two big TITANS goin’ at it! Howard Fineman, don’t you agree that this was kind of like a too-long football game that was actually too short?

Howard Fineman: What?

Chris Matthews: Tim Russert, what did you think of this primary season? I mean, didn’t you think is was just FASCINATING?!

Tim Russert: You hit the nail on the head, Chris. It has been FASCINATING.

Chris Matthews: I agree. I think this has really been FASCINATING. Real eye-opening.

Tim Russert: Agreed. Absolutely FASCINATING.

Chris Matthews: Turning our attention to the general election, Tim, what do you think we can expect over the next five months here? I think it’s gonna be really, really interesting!

Tim Russert: Me too. I think there’s gonna be a lot of healthy debate. We’re gonna find out a great deal about these two candidates, John McCain and Barack Obama. There’s still a LOT we don’t know about Obama. Right now, we only know his entire life story, the names of everyone he’s ever met, his entire political platform, his voting record, what he likes to eat, and this full body CT scan that was taken just 10 minutes ago. But there is still a LOT we just don’t know. And that’s all gonna be revealed. It’s going to be very, very interesting.

Chris Matthews: Well, before we get to that, let’s look back for a moment. Tim, we’ve been through, what was it? 50 states, and 54 primaries, with over 34 million people voting? That’s AMAZING! And this thing was so close the whole time through! How was Hillary Clinton able to keep this thing so close even when Barack Obama was beating her like a Bensonhurst housewife all through March?

Tim Russert: Two words, Chris: RACIST VOTERS. That was the one key segment of the population that Obama, for whatever reason, just could not get through to.

Chris Matthews: That’s amazing.

Tim Russert: It really is. If Obama wants to win this election, he’s going to have to do a better job reaching out to those hardcore racist voters. I want you to look at some of these polling numbers. Now these are FASCINATING. Racist voters alone make up more than 40% of the electorate.

Chris Matthews: Oh, wow!

Tim Russert: And they’re really crucial in swing states such as Ohio, Pennsylvania, Northern Florida, and pretty much any area more than 5 miles away from any major US city. That’s a big voting bloc that Hillary Clinton was able use as a base. Perhaps they admired her sheer force of will. Who knows. Now, the question is: will those racist voters stay with Obama, or will they vote for John McCain instead?

Chris Matthews: That’s a tough one. I mean, this election has had so many twists and turns. So many lead changes. I tell ya, it’s just like the Pro Bowl!

Tim Russert: And here are some more numbers that should give Obama pause, Chris. Among racist voters, Clinton won 100% of the vote. A clean sweep. And, asked if they had a favorable impression of Obama, virtually all racist voters said no. Now, that’s a lot to think about. We even have some quotes from some of these voters as they came out of the polls. And they said things like:

-“Fuck that ——.”
-“No way I’m votin’ fah that fackin’ dahkie!”
-“I don’t want no —— bein’ President, and that’s that.”
-“I likes my Presidents smart, and ain’t no blackies smart.”
-“I don’t want that black man robbing the Treasury for crack money.”
-“Ain’t he one of them colored A-rabs?”

I think it’s gonna be really hard for Obama to make inroads with a lot of these voters. They’ve got some very strong opinions.

Chris Matthews: Well, why do you think Obama has such a tough time connecting with racist voters?

Tim Russert: Well, that’s the real puzzle. It could be because he went to Harvard. Racist people seem to have great antipathy towards institutions of higher learning. It also could be because Obama grew up in Hawaii. Again, he’s got that kind of outsider mystique. He’s very dark and exotic looking. These people just can’t seem to relate to him. It’s gonna take a lot more polling and research to figure out exactly why.

Chris Matthews: Let’s bring in Pat Buchanan for a moment. Pat, what do you think Barack Obama can do to help win over some of these racist voters?

Pat Buchanan: Well, I think no matter what he does, Chris, he’s going to have a tough time. Remember, not only is he black, but he’s also MARRIED to a black woman, and that’s still very taboo in certain sections of the country.

Chris Matthews: You’ve met plenty of racists on the campaign trail, Pat. You’re even one yourself. What do you think racists would like to see out of Obama?

Pat Buchanan: I think they’d like to see him get tougher with blacks. You know, for racist voters, the #1 issue in this campaign will be RACE. So Obama’s not gonna get away with simply paying lip service to these people. He’s gonna have to go all out. Renouncing this… what was his name? Wright? Renouncing that Wright fellow isn’t going to be enough. I think what he’s going to have to do is renounce his blackness.

Chris Matthews: Will it be easy for him to make a clean break with being black?

Pat Buchanan: No, I don’t think it will be, because he’s black. But I think he can take steps to distance himself from that fact. Perhaps if he wore brighter pancake makeup. Or if he were to announce that he was openly afraid of black people, as so many of these people are. I think that might go a long way to bridging the gap.

Tim Russert: I’ll tell you one other thing he can do, Chris. He can hang out in the tailgate lot this fall with lots of racist NFL fans. Like the ones in Foxboro, and Jacksonville, and Washington, and Philly, and Baltimore, and Dallas, and Houston, and Charlotte, and New Orleans, and New York, and Cincinnati. Lot of racist voters in Cincy. And let’s not forget about the NFC North. Those people in the upper Midwest are very polite, but that doesn’t mean the idea of a black President doesn’t make them want to throw up their knockwurst. And, frankly, if you’ve ever heard the PA announcer at Detroit Piston games, you kind of understand why.

Pat Buchanan: I agree with that.

Tim Russert: Anyway, when those people get shitfaced, you should hear how often the n-word flies out. I think Obama and his campaign director David Axelrod really need to spend time with these people, so that they can get to know him. Because I don’t think he’s done a very good job introducing himself to racist voters. He seemingly doesn’t want to engage them.

Pat Buchanan: That’s because he’s an elitist, Tim!

Tim Russert: Yes, and he also hangs out in California a lot, which racist voters don’t like. Although, you’d be shocked at some of the casual racism among Southern Cali douchebags. Really striking.

Chris Matthews: I just find it amazing that some of these voters would go from voting for Clinton, who has virtually the same positions as Obama, to supporting McCain. That seems crazy to me. Howard Fineman, why don’t these racist voters like Obama? It’s almost like they hate him!

Howard Fineman: You people are fucking retarded.

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86 Responses to “If Barack Obama’s Gonna Win This Election, He’s Gonna Have To Do A Better Job Winning Over Racist Voters”

  1. Rocco Says:

    I don’t see anything obvious missing from that post. They spelled it out perfectly.

  2. futuremrsrickankiel Says:

    Wait, Barack Obama is black?

  3. Team Captain Says:

    KissingJanetReno.com?

    (if you decided to make a political blog)

  4. Otto Man Says:

    I come for the dick jokes, I stay for the dick pundits.

    But seriously, if you’re going to mock these guys, you’re going to have to ramp the crazy way, way, waaaaay up. Barack and his wife Michelle gave each other daps before his speech on Tuesday, and conservative columnist Cal Thomas denounced it as “Hezbollah-style fist jabbing” and a sign that they were in allegiance with the terrorists. No, seriously.

    If these assclowns were any whiter, they’d be translucent.

  5. Upstate Underdog Says:

    white guys vote like this, black guys vote like this

  6. Your Wife's Lipstick Says:

    Howard Finemann is my new favorite KSK character.

  7. Pundigga Says:

    That was the best effin piece of political commentary I have heard all year

  8. putridstinkstar Says:

    Cue the Massholes.

  9. BigTravATX Says:

    Thanks for the link Otto

  10. TF Says:

    @UU

    It’s true, we’re so lame.

  11. TF Says:

    If only we knew how Hines Wald felt about this discussion…

  12. JF Says:

    Howard Finemann needs his own Jay Cutler-esqe advice column.

  13. dinosaur Says:

    The ultimate irony is that Obama’s personality is whiter than mine (and I’m your average pasty white dude.) These racists are still voting strictly on the basis of the color of Obama’s skin. The content of his character is as white as they are.

    Have you ever seen the man attempt to dance? My point is proven.

  14. Shinons Says:

    I believe Geraldine Ferraro would think this post is sexist.

  15. Ryno Says:

    my favorite part was where you mention how his plan to raise taxes on capital gains, and payroll will help stimulate the economy, encourage private investment and create new jobs.

    my fault, it has the exact opposite effect.

    -McCainiac out!

  16. Upstate Underdog Says:

    Funny how some people not vote for Obama because of his skin color just the same some people will vote for him because of his skin color. I hate politics.

  17. Upstate Underdog Says:

    *will not vote

  18. whosresvelt Says:

    I cannot thank you enough for this. Holy shit.

  19. Can Obama win the racist vote? » What I See Says:

    [...] You can read a this insightful intelligent faux discussion by clicking HERE. [...]

  20. hardawayhatesyou Says:

    @dinosaur: He can ball a bit, though…..and not in a white ‘I’m pulling up and shooting the three and slapping the court on defense’ kind of way, either. His game is somewhat black.

    /thats what ‘Real Sports’ told me

  21. Otto Man Says:

    Have you ever seen the man attempt to dance? My point is proven.

    True. He was raised by his elderly white grandparents. I’m surprised he didn’t try to do the Lindy.

  22. SonOfSpam Says:

    @Otto - I knew Cal Thomas was a douche (French for “Republican”), but that’s beyond the pale (pun, unfortuantely, intended).

    @Ryno - Really? “McCainiac”?

  23. Sherrif Gonna Getcha Says:

    @Otto

    did you actually RTFA? It wasnt Cal that wrote that line. Instead it came from some doof from Texas that commented about the article.

    @dino

    He can ball though…so he gets some “black” points there.

  24. Otto Man Says:

    He can ball a bit, though

    True, indeed.

  25. Brady's a Douchebag Says:

    Pacman has agreed to help Obama win over racist voters…even if Tank and he need to use guns or rape daughters to do it.

  26. Otto Man Says:

    My bad, Sherrif. I avoid reading Human Events, so I relied on John Cole’s description of the piece and misunderstood.

    In my defense, Cal Thomas tried to justify torture because it works for Jack Bauer, regardless of what those fags in the U.S. Army insist. It was easy to believe he was that fucking stupid.

  27. twoeightnine Says:

    WARNING: THIS SITE HAS SOME EXTREMELY RAUNCHY LANGUAGE.

  28. jackin'4beats Says:

    How was Hillary Clinton able to keep this thing so close even when Barack Obama was beating her like a Bensonhurst housewife all through March?

    True, true indeed.

    Ain’t he one of them colored A-rabs?

    The correct term is sand-negroes thank you very much.

    It will be interesting to watch all the racist jerk-offs who refused to vote for Obama stay at home with their moonshine in one hand and sister on the other trying to justify why they can’t vote for the best person for the job. And the candidate who won’t die 2 days after being elected. Lookin’ at you Johnnie Mac…

    Glad to see Michelle and Barack givin each other DAP (aka “a POUND”) after whuppin Hillary.

    /praying they don’t pound their chests and point to the sky after winning the election.

  29. SonOfSpam Says:

    “/praying they don’t pound their chests and point to the sky after winning the election”

    Nice, Jackin…now you’re calling them gorillas.

  30. Lucky Like Little Says:

    @Ryno

    McCain also wants to eliminate the tax deductions employers get for providing health insurance. Now THAT will stimulate the economy…

  31. Otto Man Says:

    /praying they don’t pound their chests and point to the sky after winning the election.

    We can only hope they act presidential.

  32. Joey Jo-Jo Jr Shabadoo Says:

    woa woa woa Jackin’4:
    You can attack political views all you want, but leave the attacks on moonshine out of this…you are crossing some mutha fuckin’ lines my friend!!

  33. Mr Snrub Says:

    +1 for the shot at the Pistons PA announcer.

  34. JoSCh Says:

    [i]It will be interesting to watch all the racist jerk-offs who refused to vote for Obama stay at home with their moonshine in one hand and sister on the other trying to justify why they can’t vote for the best person for the job. And the candidate who won’t die 2 days after being elected. Lookin’ at you Johnnie Mac…
    [/i]

    You really think that the racist jerk offs were going to vote for HilDog?

    Also, even money on either candiate surviving to inauguration, both death by old or by bullet is dead.

    Nice work having Buchanan play the “thinker”.

  35. jackin'4beats Says:

    @SonOfSpam: Don’t know how you extrapolated that from my comment since about 99% of all NFL players currently do that after every play. So, are you the demographic so aptly described by Chris Matthews? Hmmm Hmmmmmm?

    @Otto Man: Exactly. W looks completely ghetto in those photos.

    @Joey Jo-Jo Jr Shabadoo: OK, homemade corn liquor then. See, I’ve got diverse tastes.

    @JoSCH: Hillary’s campaign catered to people’s fear and paraphrasing Rick James, much like cocaine, fear can be one hell of a drug.

  36. Gino Tourettsa Says:

    I belong to a white racist hate group. It’s called the Volks Front White Self-Hatred Nation. Only self-hating WHITE people are allowed membership. We think that our fellow white man is the scum of the earth and we dream of a day when we will be extinct, thus leaving this world to be ruled by our dusky superiors.

  37. nashville steeler fan Says:

    I have been hearing all my life how democrats are enlightened and republicans are racist/bigots…and forget about Condi rice being the third most powerful person…technically,… in an republican administration…bla bla…my problem with Obama is..I think he is a communist..I guess its time to see who is really enlightened, also I bet Tommy from Quincy considers himself a democrat..lol

  38. smeos Says:

    Obama is a boob with no experience and a vocabulary that consists solely of “hope” and “change”. John McCain is a mean old bastard who was tortured by the Viet Cong.

    Advantage: McCain.

  39. Gut Out Says:

    Obama’s campaign - it’s the new black.

  40. nashville steeler fan Says:

    WE THE WHITE, GODFEARING CITIZENS OF ROCK RIDGE wish to express our extreme displeasure with your choice of sheriff. Please remove him immediately. The fact that you have sent him here just goes to prove that you are the leading asshole in the state!

  41. Gino Tourettsa Says:

    “The Sheriff’s a N-Ding!”
    “The Sherrif is Near!”

  42. claude balls Says:

    …my problem with Obama is..I think he is a communist..

    Well, as long as your unwillingness to vote for Obama has a basis in fact, then I guess it is OK.

    …waiting for some Sean Hannity fan to claim that Obama is secretly a Muslim and that he refuses to say the Pledge of Allegiance.

  43. SonOfSpam Says:

    @Jackin4: I was kidding. I myself voted for the colored guy, and will proudly do so again in November.

  44. nashville steeler fan Says:

    waiting for some Sean Hannity fan to claim that Obama is secretly a Muslim and that he refuses to say the Pledge of Allegiance.

    i am cool with him being all that,i just want to keep my money..i also think George Bush is a communist to…

  45. porky1 Says:

    Ugh, I got that stupid chain letter from an idiot co-worker about Obama not liking the Pledge of Allegiance and wanting to change the National Anthem. Moronic.

  46. Gino Tourettsa Says:

    I heard on Fox News that Barack sells bogus Malk (with vitamin R) to school children. Also, he’s not really sure how he feels about freedom.

  47. Otto Man Says:

    I have been hearing all my life how democrats are enlightened and republicans are racist/bigots…

    There are 248 Republicans in Congress. You think the odds would have it that at least one would be black, right?

    As David Cross said, “Look, I’m not saying all Republicans are racist, sexist homophobes — just the people they elect into office to represent them.”

  48. Otto Man Says:

    I heard on Fox News that Barack sells bogus Malk

    No wonder my bones are brittle.

  49. SonOfSpam Says:

    @Otto: How can you call Republicans homophobes??? They have both Larry Craig AND Mark Foley! To call them homophobic would be to suggest some sort of deep-down self-loathing that…wait, never mind. I gotta go beat up some queers.

  50. Otto Man Says:

    I heard on Fox and Friends that Obama once stangled a hobo just to get an erection.

  51. Otto Man Says:

    *strangled

    Although he probably stangled him too. Fucking Islamoqueerorists!

  52. Gino Tourettsa Says:

    I don’t know the meaning of the word “stangled” (I’m no elitist) but it sounds un-American. Barack Hussein Obama is definitely in the pocket of the Gay Nazi Islamo-Commies.

  53. jackin'4beats Says:

    I refuse to vote for someone who can no longer straighten out his arms after years of beating off in that Viet Cong cage. His stepford wife probably also beats him with a pitchfork too.

    @SonOfSpam: It’s all good, I actually would pay to see them both do it.

    I just want to keep my money

    Well if GOP stays in office, all of our money will be going to their buddies at the oil companies, so good luck driving to work in your Ford F350.

    There are 248 Republicans in Congress. You think the odds would have it that at least one would be black, right?

    JC Watts decided to stop being the token Republican some time ago and will be forming his own Black News Network. Maybe we’ll really get to see the Black-u-weather forecast.

  54. Otto Man Says:

    Maybe we’ll really get to see the Black-u-weather forecast.

    IT’S GONNA RAIN!

  55. Chris Says:

    @ Otto Man

    I don’t want to get into a geo-political pissing contest here (especially since as of right now I’m going to vote for Obama in Nov.) and I’d much rather make insipid dick jokes. However, it is very shallow to say that all Republicans are racist & homophobes. I’m a registered Republican but never vote down straight party lines. It is true that there are 248 Republicans in Congress and not one African-American but the part that is left out of that argument is that the vast majority of black Democrats in Congress come from urban districts. Try getting elected to Congress as a Republican in a district where most of the voters are African-American. Especially after being told since the cradle that all Republicans are evil and racist.

    Are some Republicans homophobic or racist? Of course, just like there are Democrats that fit that description as well. It is one of the reason I hate politicians so much, everyone just tries to label their opposition instead of trying to solve problems. I don’t find a great deal of redeeming qualities on other side.

    To vote for or against someone because of skin color is asinine. Just as asinine as labeling an entire political party racist or homophobic. It solves nothing and gets all of us nowhere.

    /Christ for a guy not looking to make a geopolitical argument, you wrote a goddamn book.
    /Dick Joke
    /18-1 (still never gets old)

  56. Gino Tourettsa Says:

    RECTUM? Hell, it nearly KILLED ‘em!

  57. Otto Man Says:

    However, it is very shallow to say that all Republicans are racist & homophobes.

    I never said that. Even the comedian I quoted never said that. Instead, he made a joke — and jokes do tend to be shallow — that Republican congressmen are racists and homophobes.

    But I too don’t want to waste space that might better be devoted to big purple-vein dick jokes, so I’ll leave it at that.

  58. Gino Tourettsa Says:

    Joycelyn Elders recommends masterbation.

  59. Chris Says:

    @ Otto.

    Fair point, I guess I should have read your post a little more carefully.

    In any case, did you hear the one about Brady Quinn, the priest, and the Rabbi?
    Oh fuck it, nevermind, I’ve already typed to much on here today……..

    /show self the door…………

  60. spongeworthy Says:

    But if 90+% of black voters vote for the black candidate in the primary, it’s still okay to say all the racists are in the GOP, right?

    /the obvious

  61. jackin'4beats Says:

    Try getting elected to Congress as a Republican in a district where most of the voters are African-American.

    While that may be the case, many Republicans tend to just ignore those districts/people. Reagan and both Bushes would rather cater to their base and make their buddies richer rather than working to help the citizens of this country more prosperous.

    USDEUR exchange rates: 1.07 (1/21/01); 0.65 (6/4/08). You’re doin’ a great job Bushie.

    Now, I’m not for social welfare, but we need to worry more about our citizens and less about spreadin’ freedom to people that don’t want it.

  62. Otto Man Says:

    No worries, Chris. I was hoping to let the poflawa die, but…

    But if 90+% of black voters vote for the black candidate in the primary, it’s still okay to say all the racists are in the GOP, right?

    Sweet Jesus, you people get your panties in a bunch quickly. I never said that. Shit, the exit polling of West Virginia and Kentucky shows that not all racists are in the Republican Party. 20% in West Virginia were willing to admit to a total stranger with a clipboard and a pen, “Yep, I didn’t vote for Obama because he’s black.” And those were just the ones who admitted it.

    But the “black people are racist for supporting Obama” argument is lame. They’ve voted for whites plenty of times before, and not just because that was the only option they’ve had. Pat Buchanan tried this out on MSNBC, saying 90% of Philly blacks voted for Obama, so therefore they’re racist. Well, 90% of Philly blacks also supported the white Democrat over the black Republican in the last gubernatorial race, so maybe they’re not just voting on skin color this time around.

    So your argument is less “the obvious” than it is “the retarded.”

    Now. Someone had a joke about Brady Quinn, I believe.

  63. Big Daddy Drew Says:

    You’re all gay.

  64. Gino Tourettsa Says:

    IF YOU ARE READING THIS, YOU ARE GAY.

  65. jackin'4beats Says:

    Enough with the PoRaFlaWa…isn’t an NFL player getting arrested for sniffing coke off of a stripper’s ass in the middle of the street or something?

  66. Otto Man Says:

    You’re all gay.

    Well said, Ranier Wolfcastle.

  67. Gino Tourettsa Says:

    Nice suit, Scoey. It makes you look like a homosexual.

  68. jackin'4beats Says:

    You’re all gay

    But we don’t have three chins.

    HI-OHHHHHHHH!!!

  69. Biggus Rickus Says:

    Racists limit themselves too much. Misanthropy is the way to go.

  70. dinosaur Says:

    @Spongeworthy: No one said that all racists are in the GOP. We said that everyone in the GOP is racist. If you’re going to accuse us of a sweeping generality, at least accuse us of the correct one.

  71. SonOfSpam Says:

    Can Big Daddy Drew call us all gay after showing us that picture a few posts ago?

    /jealous of his writing ability and his manly visage

    P.S. What does FUBU stand for? Farmers Usedto Beat Us.

    See? Pat Buchanan was right, in that we Obama voters are racist.

  72. Gino Tourettsa Says:

    I’m not a gay and I’m not a racist. YOU’RE all gays and racists and you’re trying to steal my magic bag!

  73. mini dagger Says:

    blaming bush for high oil prices and the weakening dollar is like blaming a razor for kyle orton’s neckbeard.

  74. Slash Says:

    Fucking hilarious and sad; you could use that as a transcript for an actual Matthews broadcast and all you’d have to do is delete the words “fucking retarded.”

    Too bad Strom Thurmond isn’t alive to see this shit. And having an actual intelligent person as president would be a refreshing change, that’s reason enough to vote Obama.

    I don’t watch any political shit that isn’t on The Daily Show. Do people really say that black people are racist because they vote for black candidates? Like, for reals? That’s considered an actual argument of some kind?

  75. Drave Says:

    @ KissingJanetReno.com
    Dick Cheney, drunk and slurring, to Janet Reno: “I really wanna kiss you”.

    @ blaming a razor for kyle orton’s neckbeard.
    Pip Rivers could do it: YAAAA GOTTAAAA BLAME SOMEBODY!!!!!!

  76. Matty L-Train Says:

    +1 to Nashville Steeler Fan. RIP Harvey “Hedy… that’s HEDLEY Lamarr” Korman

  77. BDK Says:

    They got a new slogan.

    The Republican Party: Corruption, Incompetence and Hot Gay Sex!

  78. Gino Tourettsa Says:

    “Don’t get saucy with me, Bernaise.”
    - Count de Monet

  79. Matty L-Train Says:

    That’s de Mon-ay!

  80. hardyharhar Says:

    Slash - your confusion is perplexing, but understandable given the times. Let me explain. If a black person votes for a candidate based on skin color it is definitely NOT racist. If a white person votes based upon skin color it IS most definitely racist. Clear now? Glad I could clarify.

  81. Slash Says:

    RE hardyharhar:
    June 6th, 2008 at 1:00 am

    Ah, I missed the subtle nuances. My bad. Thanks.

  82. Shinons Says:

    Jesus ass fucking Christ, this stupid campaign needs to hurry up and end.

    /McCain’s going to get blown out so none of this shit matters.

  83. spongeworthy Says:

    Well, 90% of Philly blacks also supported the white Democrat over the black Republican…

    That’s the great thing about arguing politics on the Intertubes, the self-contradictory postings that pass as logic. The poster concedes that 90% of Philly blacks are Democrats, and we know that 90% of those Democrats supported the black candidate against the white one in the Democratic primary, but the GOP is the party of racists.

    That degree of obtuse self-deception cannot be found in reality.

  84. barkley Says:

    if obama wins, we will have black presidents for the rest of america’s history. ‘cuz…you know…once you go black, you don’t go back.

  85. barkley Says:

    future

  86. Tim Russert Says:

    Guh…I’m dead.

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