I Don’t Want To Be Shown Naked On HBO
Wade: Hoo wee! Sure is hot in this office. I wish they’d turn up the air conditioning. I’m burning up!
(wipes forehead with Diet Coke can)
I can’t work like this. All I can think about is cooling off. There’s gotta be a way to get some air in here.
(tries to open window)
Dangit! These windows won’t open! Well, that’s it. I’m gonna have to resort to extreme measures.
(takes off shoes and socks)
Ah! My word, that feels good. Aw, what the heck, may as well take it one step further.
(takes off pants, rests them on a nearby chair)
Much better. Oh, thank God. Now to sit down without my pants on and quietly do some work, in a situation that looks salacious but is, in fact, very innocent.
(door flies open)
Jerry: NYEEEEEEHAW!!!! HEY DIDDLY DADDLY FINGERBANGER YIPPITY YAY!!!
Wade: Oh, shit.
Jerry: Well, well, well. Look who finally decided to drop the pants façade! Finally realized Old Navy didn’t make ‘em in size 86, did you, Chubtard?!
Wade: Sir, I was very hot, and…
Jerry: Spare me, Tubby! Of course you’re hot. I could drop you in liquid nitrogen and you’d still be sweating sesame oil, you big fat pig’s ass! Frankie! Frankie, get in here!
Frankie: Sir?
Jerry: Frankie, make sure to get a shot of Flab Calloway’s fat ass here. BETTER USE YOUR WIDEST LENS! THAT’S A PANAVISION ASS IF I EVER SEEN IT!
Frankie: You got it, Mr. J.
Wade: Hey, what are you doing? You can’t film me!
Jerry: Course I can, you big fat fuck! I’m the owner of this here team. Which means I own your fat ass. And lemme tell ya, that’s a lotta acreage! Now Frankie here is from HBO.
Wade: HBO?
Jerry: That’s right. Home of “Deadwood,” that show about your cellulite-crushed genitalia! Frankie’s here to shoot us all for HARD KNOCKS!
Wade: Hard Knocks?
Jerry: Didn’t I tell you my boy ROMO was a goddamn star? Well, now it’s official! HBO’s gonna make stars of us all! We’re gonna be on the TV!
Wade: But we already are on TV a lot.
Jerry: Not enough, Beastula. That dirty fucker Belichick likes taping other teams. Well, I’m beating him to the punch! The Dallas Cowboys are gonna be on camera 24/7! Let’s see that cougar-taming fuck edit that down! There won’t be a higher profile team in the whole goddamn league when we’re through! And, to boost the ratings, I’ve brought in even more characters!
Wade: Characters, sir?
Jerry: Don’t you know anything about television, Fatty? To be a hit show, you need compelling characters! That’s what I brought in Adam here!
(door flies open)
Pacman: Yo yo. Dat fat bitch ain’t wearin’ no saddle. Pacman ain’t down wid it.
Wade: You’re putting HIM on television?
Jerry: Of course! Here’s is a fascinating young man, torn between doing right is right, and heading down to the Gold Club to scope out some of that fine, fine, TIXAS ‘TANG! Don’t you see how conflicted this young man is?
Pacman: I gon make them panties snap, bitch. Make you cry fo dat chocolate dong.
Wade: He doesn’t seem very conflicted.
Jerry: Shut up, Fattalanche. My boy ADAM is a goddamn star! You put him on cameras with my boy ROMO, and TO, and the DOUBLE-J HISSELF, YOU GOT YERSELF A GODDAMN SMASH!
Wade: Sir, there’s a lot of work to do. I don’t know if…
Jerry: Shut up shut up shut up. You know what else we need? Surprise guest stars, people the audience kinda recognize! People love seein’ people they’ve seen before! They hate new fuckers! So check this out!
(door flies open)
Switzer: (blind drunk) Heeeeeey. You tell that Bob Devaney, if he don’t like the way Barry Switzer recruits, that Barry Switzer will personally come to his house and piss on his steak.
Jerry: HOT DAMN! Now is this a character, or what?! Look at how drunk my boy SWITZER is!
Switzer: Jerray! Jerray Jones! Damn good to see you, ol’ boy! Say, you remimber win… you remimber win we brought those two honeys duck hunting, then we paddled their naked asses with that rifle butt? You’re a good man, Jerry Jones. DON’T LET NO ONE EVER TELL YOU DIFFERENT!
Jerry: God damn, he is drunk! You see, Fatty? This is what America loves. They love seeing drunk people on camera, because they’re drunks too! That’s called identifying with a character! HOW YOU LIKE THAT?
Wade: Well, I guess it’s okay if they film me.
Jerry: You? Pfft. You think you’re a STAR? You’re no character, Nell Carter.
Wade: I am too a character.
Jerry: No, you ain’t! You’re just a cipher. A foil. Jokes just bounce right off you and go straight to the moon!
Wade: I have a personality!
Jerry: Like hell you do. You’re not going on camera, Tubby. I can tell from this ass shot you ain’t cut out for show business. I’m bringing in a seasoned actor to play you. Van Patten!
(door flies open)
Dick Van Patten: Hi, everyone!
Jerry: Wade, from now on, my boy DICK will be playing the part of you whenever the cameras are around.
Wade: But the cameras are always around.
Jerry: Sure are! But Dick knows his way around the game! Don’t ya, Dick?
Dick Van Patten: Oh, yes. I read for Jerry Van Dyke’s part on “Coach” once. He’s a fine man.
Jerry: You see? This man HAS BEEN THROUGH THE WARS, KAMALA!
Wade: Well, what about a villain? You need a villain.
(door flies open)
Garrett: Hmm. This portly man has chosen to eschew his trousers. Now I know what Bergman meant by “Cries and Whispers”!
Wade: Well, no shit.
Jerry: Isn’t this great?! You couldn’t ask for a better cast of characters in the whole wide world! Now butter those Dockers back on and get the fuck out of Coach Van Patten’s office, Fatpants! It takes 8 hours to get the fat suit on my boy DICK!
Wade: Shit.
Jerry: We’re gonna all be famous, you fat piece of dogshit! YEEEEEHAWWWWW!!! WOOOO HOOOOOOO I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, don't expect it every week, fat people, meta, that team is headed for an implosion, wade and jerry
June 3rd, 2008 at 2:20 pm
What, no Judd?
Regardless, masterfully played. The return of Barry Switzer was a swerve the likes of which even Vince McMahon has never seen.
I also must say, the depiction of Pacman Jones as a delusional sociopathic sex fiend is, well…fuckin’ sweet.
June 3rd, 2008 at 2:22 pm
That’s gold Jerry!!….Gold!!
June 3rd, 2008 at 2:23 pm
“This man HAS BEEN THROUGH THE WARS, KAMALA!”
+many for the Kamala “The Ugandan Giant” reference. Nice follow up to Ape’s Scotty 2 Hotty reference from yesterday
June 3rd, 2008 at 2:23 pm
I sure will miss the cans on Brodie Coyle’s wife this year.
June 3rd, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Man do I miss Deadwood. You degenerate tit licker. I do expect this every week. Twice a week would be even better.
June 3rd, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Well, deafjeff, I’m sure you’ll be heartened that Ian McShane is returning to his badass roots by…uh…
…voicing a tiger in that Jack Black Panda cartoon…
…yeah. Okay.
June 3rd, 2008 at 2:31 pm
Wouldn’t it be a Pepsi considering Double J’s little commercial last year that included Romo and Wade??
June 3rd, 2008 at 2:37 pm
…voicing a tiger in that Jack Black Panda cartoon…
Ugh. Really?
I think I need to go watch “Sexy Beast” for the umpteenth time to remove that unfortunate image from my head.
“Gentlemen! You’re all cunts.”
June 3rd, 2008 at 2:39 pm
All I want to know is who keeps closing the door? That thing flew open five times!! Just leave it open!!
Seriously the best W&J post yet. And that’s quite a feat.
June 3rd, 2008 at 2:41 pm
I never want to hear the phrase “cellulite crushed genetalia” again. It brings up bad memories about a certain drunken night in college. Fuck that hurt!
June 3rd, 2008 at 2:53 pm
“Flab Calloway”
[standing up, slowly clapping]
June 3rd, 2008 at 2:59 pm
“butter those Dockers back on”
bravo
June 3rd, 2008 at 2:59 pm
PacMan Jones - 2008 Man of the Year
June 3rd, 2008 at 3:00 pm
You should be writing comedy somewhere if you aren’t already. That was priceless.
June 3rd, 2008 at 3:20 pm
I could drop you in liquid nitrogen and you’d still be sweating sesame oil.
Damn, that’s one sweaty bitch.
I laugh at the hilarity of these posts and cry at the very thought that this could be the exact way things go down at Valley Ranch on a dialy basis.
/god, please let these be lies.
June 3rd, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Jerry Jones’ history of hiring men with oustanding FUPA’s is starting to become alarming.
June 3rd, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Can we get a “nightmare fuel” tag for all the Jason Garrett posts? Seriously, those creepy rapist eyes will haunt my dreams tonight.
/shivers in horror, feels mildly violated
June 3rd, 2008 at 3:37 pm
@ Pac-Man’s pic……. I imagine the conversation at the Helzberg counter in one of Nashville’s finest malls when Pac-Man inquired into a 3″ diamoned crusted Pac-Man necklace was pure comedy and involved a manager, assistant manager, and a kid from Sunglass Hut to translate.
June 3rd, 2008 at 3:38 pm
*3″
*diamond
fuck
June 3rd, 2008 at 3:44 pm
Lebowski, you’re mistaken if you don’t think that the Rainman didn’t go straight to Jakob the Jeweler for that ice.
By the way, BDD, nice call with the “headed for implosion” tag. Just waaaaaay to much going on there.
June 3rd, 2008 at 3:52 pm
@Lebowski - If you think thats hilarious you should have seen him driving around Franklin, Tn in his blood red caddy convertible with red wheels.
June 3rd, 2008 at 3:56 pm
“not for public use?” I’d stamp that “not for public view.” yeesh, Dick’s scary looking.
June 3rd, 2008 at 3:58 pm
I prefer to wipe my forehead with a Mountain Dew can and some sesame seed oil frozen into cubes…but hey, thats how a lady does it..
June 3rd, 2008 at 4:07 pm
@Roro — Nobody in Texas drinks Pepsi. Double-J spit it out between takes.
BTW, the Oprah show with Kevin Everett is coming on again today. I know you all have your Oprah Season Pass already, but I thought I would mention it.
June 3rd, 2008 at 4:12 pm
@Lebowski - If you think thats hilarious you should have seen him driving around Franklin, Tn in his blood red caddy convertible with red wheels.
Wow, I’ve been in Franklin, and the image of him rolling through Main Street in that car is hysterical.
The only way that could’ve gone over better would’ve been if he had a horn noise that did the Cleavon Little “Where All Da White Wimmen At?” from Blazing Saddles.
June 3rd, 2008 at 4:15 pm
“Jerry: Wade, from now on, my boy DICK will be playing the part of you whenever the cameras are around.”
I read this as “From now on, my DICK will be playing the part of you whenever the cameras are around,” and I came damn close to spitting out my water all over my work monitor.
June 3rd, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Flab Calloway, Bob Devaney vs. Barry Switzer, Dick van Patten, Jerry van Dyke, “Coach”, Nell Carter and Kamala. Fuck, that’s good stuff. Gimme a Break!
June 3rd, 2008 at 4:20 pm
I always imagined that the Stay Puff Marshmallow man would play Wade.
June 3rd, 2008 at 4:20 pm
God Rest Their Souls. Pussy’s half-price for the next fifteen minutes.
June 3rd, 2008 at 4:23 pm
@ Chris-Bess….. no doubt Helzberg could not have met Adam’s diamond requests, but I’ve also seen Bonzi Wells trolling through a mall in Muncie, IN after signing a $$$ NBA contract. It’s what he knows.
June 3rd, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Al Swearengen approves of this post.
June 3rd, 2008 at 4:33 pm
Sway-Gin! Cock suckah!
June 3rd, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Fuckin’ Wu!
June 3rd, 2008 at 5:57 pm
Get a fucking haircut. Looks like your mother fucked a monkey.
June 3rd, 2008 at 7:24 pm
I approve of ANYTHING that uses Dick Van Patten as a punchline.
June 3rd, 2008 at 8:00 pm
I approve of anything that uses Dick Van Patten as a punching bag.
He knows why.
June 3rd, 2008 at 8:16 pm
Priceless. The best-done W&J adventures since the playoff loss.
June 3rd, 2008 at 8:23 pm
Most hilarious Pacman dialogue… EVER