Wade: Hoo wee! Sure is hot in this office. I wish they’d turn up the air conditioning. I’m burning up!

(wipes forehead with Diet Coke can)

I can’t work like this. All I can think about is cooling off. There’s gotta be a way to get some air in here.

(tries to open window)

Dangit! These windows won’t open! Well, that’s it. I’m gonna have to resort to extreme measures.

(takes off shoes and socks)

Ah! My word, that feels good. Aw, what the heck, may as well take it one step further.

(takes off pants, rests them on a nearby chair)

Much better. Oh, thank God. Now to sit down without my pants on and quietly do some work, in a situation that looks salacious but is, in fact, very innocent.

(door flies open)


Jerry: NYEEEEEEHAW!!!! HEY DIDDLY DADDLY FINGERBANGER YIPPITY YAY!!!

Wade: Oh, shit.

Jerry: Well, well, well. Look who finally decided to drop the pants façade! Finally realized Old Navy didn’t make ‘em in size 86, did you, Chubtard?!

Wade: Sir, I was very hot, and…

Jerry: Spare me, Tubby! Of course you’re hot. I could drop you in liquid nitrogen and you’d still be sweating sesame oil, you big fat pig’s ass! Frankie! Frankie, get in here!

Frankie: Sir?

Jerry: Frankie, make sure to get a shot of Flab Calloway’s fat ass here. BETTER USE YOUR WIDEST LENS! THAT’S A PANAVISION ASS IF I EVER SEEN IT!

Frankie: You got it, Mr. J.

Wade: Hey, what are you doing? You can’t film me!

Jerry: Course I can, you big fat fuck! I’m the owner of this here team. Which means I own your fat ass. And lemme tell ya, that’s a lotta acreage! Now Frankie here is from HBO.

Wade: HBO?

Jerry: That’s right. Home of “Deadwood,” that show about your cellulite-crushed genitalia! Frankie’s here to shoot us all for HARD KNOCKS!

Wade: Hard Knocks?

Jerry: Didn’t I tell you my boy ROMO was a goddamn star? Well, now it’s official! HBO’s gonna make stars of us all! We’re gonna be on the TV!

Wade: But we already are on TV a lot.

Jerry: Not enough, Beastula. That dirty fucker Belichick likes taping other teams. Well, I’m beating him to the punch! The Dallas Cowboys are gonna be on camera 24/7! Let’s see that cougar-taming fuck edit that down! There won’t be a higher profile team in the whole goddamn league when we’re through! And, to boost the ratings, I’ve brought in even more characters!

Wade: Characters, sir?

Jerry: Don’t you know anything about television, Fatty? To be a hit show, you need compelling characters! That’s what I brought in Adam here!

(door flies open)

Pacman: Yo yo. Dat fat bitch ain’t wearin’ no saddle. Pacman ain’t down wid it.

Wade: You’re putting HIM on television?

Jerry: Of course! Here’s is a fascinating young man, torn between doing right is right, and heading down to the Gold Club to scope out some of that fine, fine, TIXAS ‘TANG! Don’t you see how conflicted this young man is?

Pacman: I gon make them panties snap, bitch. Make you cry fo dat chocolate dong.

Wade: He doesn’t seem very conflicted.

Jerry: Shut up, Fattalanche. My boy ADAM is a goddamn star! You put him on cameras with my boy ROMO, and TO, and the DOUBLE-J HISSELF, YOU GOT YERSELF A GODDAMN SMASH!

Wade: Sir, there’s a lot of work to do. I don’t know if…

Jerry: Shut up shut up shut up. You know what else we need? Surprise guest stars, people the audience kinda recognize! People love seein’ people they’ve seen before! They hate new fuckers! So check this out!

(door flies open)

Switzer: (blind drunk) Heeeeeey. You tell that Bob Devaney, if he don’t like the way Barry Switzer recruits, that Barry Switzer will personally come to his house and piss on his steak.

Jerry: HOT DAMN! Now is this a character, or what?! Look at how drunk my boy SWITZER is!

Switzer: Jerray! Jerray Jones! Damn good to see you, ol’ boy! Say, you remimber win… you remimber win we brought those two honeys duck hunting, then we paddled their naked asses with that rifle butt? You’re a good man, Jerry Jones. DON’T LET NO ONE EVER TELL YOU DIFFERENT!

Jerry: God damn, he is drunk! You see, Fatty? This is what America loves. They love seeing drunk people on camera, because they’re drunks too! That’s called identifying with a character! HOW YOU LIKE THAT?

Wade: Well, I guess it’s okay if they film me.

Jerry: You? Pfft. You think you’re a STAR? You’re no character, Nell Carter.

Wade: I am too a character.

Jerry: No, you ain’t! You’re just a cipher. A foil. Jokes just bounce right off you and go straight to the moon!

Wade: I have a personality!

Jerry: Like hell you do. You’re not going on camera, Tubby. I can tell from this ass shot you ain’t cut out for show business. I’m bringing in a seasoned actor to play you. Van Patten!

(door flies open)


Dick Van Patten: Hi, everyone!

Jerry: Wade, from now on, my boy DICK will be playing the part of you whenever the cameras are around.

Wade: But the cameras are always around.

Jerry: Sure are! But Dick knows his way around the game! Don’t ya, Dick?

Dick Van Patten: Oh, yes. I read for Jerry Van Dyke’s part on “Coach” once. He’s a fine man.

Jerry: You see? This man HAS BEEN THROUGH THE WARS, KAMALA!

Wade: Well, what about a villain? You need a villain.

(door flies open)


Garrett: Hmm. This portly man has chosen to eschew his trousers. Now I know what Bergman meant by “Cries and Whispers”!

Wade: Well, no shit.

Jerry: Isn’t this great?! You couldn’t ask for a better cast of characters in the whole wide world! Now butter those Dockers back on and get the fuck out of Coach Van Patten’s office, Fatpants! It takes 8 hours to get the fat suit on my boy DICK!

Wade: Shit.

Jerry: We’re gonna all be famous, you fat piece of dogshit! YEEEEEHAWWWWW!!! WOOOO HOOOOOOO I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!