I Can No Longer Accept the Negative Connotation of Being Associated with a Popular Arcade Game
I’d like to thank you media people for comin’ out to this here press conference today.
Ahem.
I called y’all out here to let it be known that I, Adam Jones, will no longer be using the nickname Pacman. I made some mistakes over the last couple years, and I wanna break free from the reputation I created. I don’t wanna spend the rest of my career chasing ghosts.
So no more Pacman, a’ight? And no Pacman spin-offs, neither. I don’t wanna be called Ms. Pacman, even if my gameplay this year ends up being slightly improved and more nuanced. And no Pacman Plus, Baby Pacman, or Professor Pacman, neither. In fact, I don’t want ANY nickname that comes from an early-’80s arcade game. Not even Space Invade-Her.
I’m also gettin’ rid of my other nicknames and abandoning some business plans that some publicist bitch I hired didn’t like. So all y’all who IM me, I ain’t gonna use “KuntPuncher32″ as my AOL screen name no more. And to all my boys at the Indian casinos, I’m retiring my Native American name, Spits on Bitches. Oh, that reminds me: I’m halting production on Bitches on Spits, the exotic dancer rotisserie I developed during the off-season.
So that’s that. Just plain ol’ Adam Jones from here on out. Like the guitarist from Tool. Or that outfielder for the Orioles. Yeah, especially the Orioles guy. He ain’t never been in trouble with the law, right? From here on out, you guys may as well just think him and me is the same dude.
Naw, seriously. I already stole that bitch’s social security number and applied for credit cards.
Tags: captain caveman, Pacman Jones
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June 19th, 2008 at 9:07 am
You had me at chasing ghosts. Excellent work, as per usual.
June 19th, 2008 at 9:09 am
Adam “The Barber Beefcake” Jones?
June 19th, 2008 at 9:13 am
Good luck with that, Pac. Adam Jones only makes like 400 grand a year.
June 19th, 2008 at 9:14 am
Adam “Rainman” Jones?
June 19th, 2008 at 9:17 am
Pacman? Shit, I don’t know him from Adam.
June 19th, 2008 at 9:28 am
Does adam like 2 fish in dat azz, or is that just pacman’s thing?
June 19th, 2008 at 9:31 am
Will he continue to call his nemeses Pinky, Blinky, Inky, and Clyde?
June 19th, 2008 at 9:33 am
Space Invade-Her,Bitches on Spits
Nobody does witty misogyny better. Nice work, Uff.
June 19th, 2008 at 9:43 am
I’m retiring my Native American name, Spits on Bitches. Oh, that reminds me: I’m halting production on Bitches on Spits, the exotic dancer rotisserie I developed during the off-season.
That may be the best thing I’ve ever read.
June 19th, 2008 at 10:00 am
oh oh, more Atari games that sound like sexual innuendos!
Missile Command?
Pitfall Harry?
June 19th, 2008 at 10:03 am
oh oh, more Atari games that sound like sexual innuendos!
Don’t forget the muscly-armed Paperboy
/Herbert
June 19th, 2008 at 10:03 am
I’ve got Pac-Man fever, and it’s drving me crazy…..
/now has terrible novelty song from the 80’s stuck in head
June 19th, 2008 at 10:06 am
He is now only accepting nicknames from Sega games like Altered Beast and Golden Axe.
June 19th, 2008 at 10:07 am
Now he’ll never get his own TV show once his football playing days are over…
Maybe he can start going by A-Jizzle. That should make the old white folks more comfortable.
June 19th, 2008 at 10:29 am
Will he continue to call his nemeses Pinky, Blinky, Inky, and Clyde?
Well, Pinky is a good stripper name. Inky maybe. Blinky could work.
I guess Clyde could be a bouncer. Preferably one who has not previously been shot in the spine.
June 19th, 2008 at 10:40 am
this post is priceless.
so is the prospect of never again hearing tom jackson go “bopbopbopbopbopbopbop” while fatass berman screams “HE COULD… EAT… ALL… THE… DOTS…”
June 19th, 2008 at 10:42 am
I call dibs on the necklace.
June 19th, 2008 at 10:44 am
Lighten up, Francis.
June 19th, 2008 at 10:51 am
What about “Bump and Jump” or “Bust A Move” or “Wacko” or “Mr. Do” or “Mr Do’s Wild Ride” or…
June 19th, 2008 at 10:57 am
Slothrop is that a Stripes reference? Are you homosexuals? No. but we are willing to learn.
I have a suggestion for Adams new nickname… If I may: Felon. simple and to the point and as a Cowboys fan i think it has a certain ring to it and will sound great as I scream RUN FELON RUN! while he takes an errant Eli Manning/Donovan McNabb/Jason Campbell pass back to the house for the game winning TD… hey cowboys fans can dream too fuckers.
June 19th, 2008 at 11:02 am
I really REALLY want a Bitches on Spits franchise in Chicago.
June 19th, 2008 at 11:05 am
@ bizzo5000
Thank you for the “Altered Beast” and “Golden Axe” references- those were two of my favorites, but I haven’t thought of those games in years. When I was a kid and the Sega Genesis was a big deal, the first guy on my block to get one was the son of ultra-Christian weirdos who farbade him to play Altered Beast (it was a free add-on, I think) because it was “Satanic”. I’ll bet that kid grew up to be another ultra-Christian weirdo who’s forbidding his kids to play World of Warcraft.
June 19th, 2008 at 11:24 am
I wish he would of done this before i had to settle for “KuntPuncher33″
June 19th, 2008 at 11:24 am
I’ll bet that kid grew up to be another ultra-Christian weirdo who’s forbidding his kids to play World of Warcraft.
Or he’s doing drugs…lots and lots of drugs…to keep the voices at bay.
June 19th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
I’m not going to allow my kids to play World of Warcraft either. However, it has nothing to do with religious beliefs. I just don’t want them to suffer severe beatings at school on a regular basis. It’s purely a safety issue.
June 19th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
it was fun while it lasted. he’ll always be “pacman” in our hearts and in strip clubs.
June 19th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
The ESPN tools are going to be calling him “The Artist Formerly Known As Pacman” for the next three years.
June 19th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
What about subbing in a name associated with a children’s cartoon? I hear that goes over well with gay men and hot broads alike.
June 19th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
I was going to ask if he still gets to wear his pacman bling, but THDR already has dibs. Damn.
June 19th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
I’m thinking he should stay true to some Atari games….maybe “Q-Bert” or “Frogger”. I would love to see me some Q-Bert bling.
June 19th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
another ultra-Christian weirdo who’s forbidding his kids to play World of Warcraft.
…by storing them in burlap bags in the coal celler when not in use?
WINNT- what is that shit on Q-Bert’s face? Is that some sort of hermaphr0organ? i’m not shelling out for no platinum necklace to represent androgyny
June 19th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
@jc
…I really have no clue what the hell is on Q-Bert’s face…let alone what the fuck Q-Bert is. I thought it would be funny to see a bling likeness of Q-Bert as it would rank right up there in stupidity with Koolaid Maroney’s bling.
June 19th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Does any NFL player rock the Arkanoid bling?
June 19th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
WINNT, obviously, concerns himself with more important issues of the day.
but i’d like to know. do he shit out that thing? do he eat with it? use it to store foodlike a squirrel or a pelican? is it a nose? is it a dick? is it for suckin dicks? givin birth to little Q-babies? does he have sonar? is it all of the above?
i’ve come to grips that when I’m DATY I got my nose in a shithole and my tongue runnin over a pee hole. but at least i can tell which one is which
but Q-bert?
no wonder the little dude always looked so sad.
June 19th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
I would suggest Adam “Goddamn” Jones, but I think someone stole that a day or so ago.
Otherwise, I think Adam “Dumbest mother fucker in the NFL” Jones is a fitting nickname. Let’s see what kind of bling he gets for that!!
June 19th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
no reference to Asteroids?
June 19th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
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