Vince McMahon: Now I wanted to thank you again Shawne for taking part in our pay-per-view One Night Stand. As you know, the world sports entertainment can be a great opportunity for athletes of your caliber during offseason, suspensions, even retirement. Just look at that Adam “Pacman” Jones character. Possibly even a gateway to film acting, as Dwayne Johnson has demonst-

Shawne Merriman: Yeah. Super. Pay me.

Vince: Hey, hey, hey, Shawne. Let’s hold on a minute here. We have a contract drawn up. A contract that obligates you to more than one smacking with a Singapore cane.

Merriman: Contract nothing. We settled on one appearance for an agreed-upon fee.

Vince: Maybe we entered into a verbal agreement, but your agent had you sign a form saying you’d take part in at least one match.

Merriman: I will rape him to the point of deepest human agony. Then rape him in a seriocomic manner. Hipsters will enjoy it.

Vince: Be that as it may, you have an obligation to fulfill, Shawne. I’ve already booked you in a tag team match.

Before you get all bent out of your hulking shape, you should know that I wouldn’t pair you with just anyone. In fact, I’ve already found someone you share a history with.

[Door flies open]

Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask somebodddaaaaayyyyyy!

Merriman: Fuck. I suddenly feel that my rape stick is losing its potency.

Rivers: FUCK IS RIGHT TINY EPILEPTIC DANCER! I’ve gone through an off-season of recouping a ticker tape ACL and I’m ready to get out there and flay some NEIGHBORFUCKING ball sacks! You ready to join me? ARE YOU? HUH? WHAT? HUH? FUCK YOU!

We don’t even need a contract. When it comes to killin’, Shawne and I are ready and willin’, right you sweaty monster-sized steroid negroid mongaloid? If Antonio Cromartie can beat up valets for me, you can at least give me one wrass-a-lin’ match. Don’t pay this huckster any mind. I wanna see your commitment. You should want to do this like a passed out sorority girl.

Merriman: Well, when you put it that way. Still, I don’t like the way he did me with the contract business.

[Rivers holds out the contract Merriman signed, which he crumples it into a ball that he winds up and throws furiously in the direction of McMahon. It floats in the air for the entirety of their meeting]

Vince: Fellas, fellas. lot of animosity here, I must say. If we can curtail the outbursts for a moment, I’d like to introduce you fine gentleman to the combatants you will be facing in the squared circle come next month.

Rivers: What in the name of the great big shimmery cock in the sky…

Road Dogg Jesse James: LLLLLLadies and gentleman, boys and girls, children of all ages, D-Generation X proudly presents THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS OF THE WWWWWWWOOOOORRRRLLLDDD, the Road Dog Jesse James, the Bad Ass Billy Gunn, The! New! Age! Outlaws!

Rivers: This cockfragment stole my intro.

James: Stole what? I started using that line back in 1997!

Rivers: But I feel like I could have invented it.

James: You stole that line from The Squid and the Whale!

Rivers: Yeah, well, you stole my DNA from the seed I shot into your mom.

James: Son of a bitch!

[Rivers shrieks and runs behind Merriman]

Rivers: Spring forth my burly protector and save me!

Merriman: You know this shit is fake, right?

Vince: We don’t even try to pretend it’s real anymore.

Rivers: Of course, of course. I knew that. I was…getting into character. I’m gonna be one of those…those heels. They’re the BIG SWINGING DICKS, right? That’s me all the way and twice on gameday.

I already went ahead picked our entrance music. Now we just gotta come up with some cool wrass-a-lin’ names. Laserface is a natural fit for me. You? Hmm. Yooooouuuu… Lessee… The Big Shit? The Hymenbreak Kid? Ah! Here we go: Billy the Rapeasaurus.

Merriman: I think we can just go with our real names.

Rivers: Sure thing, Billy, whatever you say. Next thing: finishing move. You cool with pummeling the guy while I yell at the crowd? I think we can make this work.

Merriman: I knew I shouldn’t've done this shit in the first place.