Help! Help! Jon Gruden Is Holding Me Hostage!
Help! Please someone, help me! I’ve been taken hostage by Jon Gruden and the Bucs! You’ve got to do something! They’ve locked me in the basement, and placed a ball gag on me! And they often spend all day tickling me. They’re so strong and rough! I can’t take the sheer ecstasy!
Oh, it’s terrible, the conditions they’ve left me in. Just the other day, they placed me in a barrel and made me fellate members of the staff! It was heaven… I mean, it was terrible! And sometimes, they whip me! They tie me to a post in the “Love Brig” and take out their long, leather whips, flaying me across the back as a man in a gimp mask tickles my balls! And they just whip me and whip me until I’m begging for more! No, please! I can’t take these kind of earth-shattering orgasms! It’s just like “Kiss of the Spider Woman”!
This is all Jon Gruden’s doing! He’s an animal! With his sun-bleached blonde hair, and his rippling muscles, and his husky voice, and his take-charge attitude! This man is a monster! No one can resist his charms! Oh, how I wish I were free from his mesmerizing spell! But he’s just so… so very dreamy. Can’t you see how he’s managed to enslave me somewhat against my will?
You must help me! I cannot get out of this terrible cycle of lusty pirate BDSM. The abuse is just so horrible, and titillating. Just last week, they stuck a feather up my ass! God, how I hated it. And loved it. No, I hated it! No, I loved it! I HATED THAT I LOVED IT! GAHHHHH!!!!!
SET ME FREE, BUCS! LET ME GO FROM THIS HORRIBLE, WONDERFUL OBSESSION! QUIT PLAYING YOUR IRRESISTIBLE SEX GAMES!
Tags: angry pirate, Big Daddy Drew, gay quarterbacks, prisoners of love blue skies above, YAAARRGH, YAR TRULY THE CATCH OF THE DAY
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June 10th, 2008 at 11:58 am
uhhhh…… ok.
*moves furtively toward exit*
June 10th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Helluva long way to go to make butt secks jokes.
June 10th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
this post needs more rum to go along with the sodomy and the lash
June 10th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Wow…poor Chris Simms…
June 10th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
Marsellus Wallace regrets his vacation trip to Tampa.
June 10th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
this is how all men become the next dread pirate roberts, no?
June 10th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
[poop deck flies open]
wait… what?
June 10th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
Has there been a ransom note? And if so, can Phil Simms get someone to read it to him?
June 10th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
What’d you expect from a gaggle of puffy-shirted, knee-high-boot-wearing, hook-handed, ruffle-festooned freebooters?!?
June 10th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
I saw the Bucs logo and “they’re plundering my booty!” and assumed this was about Jeff Garcia.
June 10th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Will Ferrell approves of the Bucs strong armed…um…feather tactics.
June 10th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Hey Bloom, put me down for 10 grand.
June 10th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
This is why I love Wikipedia:
Regarding “Kiss of the Spider Woman”
“Arregui allows Molina to penetrate some of his defensive self and opens up.”
June 10th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
I feel like Biff King would fit right in with this crowd. Don’t know why exactly.
Might be the earring.
June 10th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
And people wonder why Jake Plummer never reported.
June 10th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
my butt-hole clinched up while reading this.
June 10th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
I didn’t know Simms was a reciever!
June 10th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
I just mentioned KSK to an acquaintance the other day, and they replied, “You mean that gay football blog?”
Uhm, yeah.
So I guess the word on the street is that the site could use some more filthy whores.
June 10th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Garr! The dread pirate Simms be in no man’s debt.
June 10th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Now we can see some of Jerramy Stevens’ influence.
June 10th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
What’s Simms safe word?
More, please?
June 10th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Well, at least now we know how he contracted appendicitis.
/finally making use of Ohio St. degree in Biology
//kidding — SAT scores too high for OSU
June 10th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Plundering ME booty would be the proper pirate talk.
June 10th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
The Giants don’t know how to do this right. That’s why Strahan retired.
June 10th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Sims can eat a DICK. HOOKEM HORNS! We will see who wins a ring first Sims or Applewhite back at Texas!
June 10th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
I guess they got tired of pillaging Bruce Gradkowski. I also believe that this post deserves a cameo from the 1970s Bucs logo. He was way swishier.
And I retroactively add Chris Simms to my list of “things that you hate for no good reason” draft a few fridays ago. I really hate that guy.
June 10th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
I propose more use of the YAAAARGH tag.
June 10th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
Buggery on the High Seas!!!
June 10th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Fluergen!!! Fluergen!!!!
*lightbulb*
Oh, so THAT’S what Quagmire 3P0 meant by “the ‘Hey, let’s take a deep breath and experiment’ kind of boarded from the rear.”
June 10th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
Shouldn’t it be “me booty”, according to proper Piratin’ grammar?
Yar.
June 10th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
What ever happened to the Shiny Pants tag?
June 10th, 2008 at 6:25 pm
I felt dirty just reading that.
June 10th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
The Bucs’ new unis and logo are just over-compensating for feelings they must deny. The original orange-cream uniforms and flaming pirate logo were far more accurate.
June 11th, 2008 at 10:27 am
Thanks for the mention of the 11 year old “new” unis, Gino. I had my hopes up for the Jeff Garcia suggested change to leather chaps, nipple tassels, geek masks and cock rings all for naught! If you thought Derrick Brooks was an intimidating sight before…(2005).
June 11th, 2008 at 11:00 am
If anyone casually followed UT football when Chrissy Simms was a Longhorn, they know that he’s getting just what he deserves.
And by deserves, I mean what Simms lusts after and can’t get enough of.
Simms only had two testicles because he was on the same roster as Major Applewhite.
August 20th, 2008 at 6:42 pm
Jon Gruden is doing Chris Simms a disservice and ruining his career. He does not need 5 Quarterbacks and has no business in keeping Simms from being successful somewhere else especially with the shortage of quality quarterbacks in th NFL. Gruden needs to release Simms and allow another team to enjoy his skills. I grew up watching his father and I believe Chris can be very good. He comes from good genes just like the Manning’s.