Help! Please someone, help me! I’ve been taken hostage by Jon Gruden and the Bucs! You’ve got to do something! They’ve locked me in the basement, and placed a ball gag on me! And they often spend all day tickling me. They’re so strong and rough! I can’t take the sheer ecstasy!

Oh, it’s terrible, the conditions they’ve left me in. Just the other day, they placed me in a barrel and made me fellate members of the staff! It was heaven… I mean, it was terrible! And sometimes, they whip me! They tie me to a post in the “Love Brig” and take out their long, leather whips, flaying me across the back as a man in a gimp mask tickles my balls! And they just whip me and whip me until I’m begging for more! No, please! I can’t take these kind of earth-shattering orgasms! It’s just like “Kiss of the Spider Woman”!

This is all Jon Gruden’s doing! He’s an animal! With his sun-bleached blonde hair, and his rippling muscles, and his husky voice, and his take-charge attitude! This man is a monster! No one can resist his charms! Oh, how I wish I were free from his mesmerizing spell! But he’s just so… so very dreamy. Can’t you see how he’s managed to enslave me somewhat against my will?

You must help me! I cannot get out of this terrible cycle of lusty pirate BDSM. The abuse is just so horrible, and titillating. Just last week, they stuck a feather up my ass! God, how I hated it. And loved it. No, I hated it! No, I loved it! I HATED THAT I LOVED IT! GAHHHHH!!!!!

SET ME FREE, BUCS! LET ME GO FROM THIS HORRIBLE, WONDERFUL OBSESSION! QUIT PLAYING YOUR IRRESISTIBLE SEX GAMES!