Fictional Cheerleader Biography: Mindy
Melinda’s mother died giving birth to her first and only daughter. Melinda’s mom had been artificially inseminated and intended to raise the child alone. Mindy, as she came to be known by the people in Florida Child Protective Services, possessed an immediate affinity for those around her and her caretakers were quick to note how remarkable this quality was for someone who grew up never knowing their biological parents.
Mindy bounced around foster families for most of her childhood. Despite the volatile nature of her upbringing, she never went through a rebellious phase, always doing what was told of her, excelling in school and eschewing potentially troublesome friends. She would have been valedictorian of her high school outside St. Louis, had she not committed so much of her time to volunteer work, causing a few would-be As to slip to Bs.
Not having a family to support her, Mindy couldn’t get quite enough in scholarships to attend the colleges she wanted. She instead got a job as an administrative assistant and attended community college at night, in the hopes of one day becoming a teacher. Hers is a difficult life but she remains buoyant in her outlook and optimistic in nature.
In September, she will have a late evening of drinking with some classmates. After dropping them off, she will drive home drunk. Less than a mile from her home, her vehicle will strike and kill Rams defensive end Leonard Little.
For her crime, she will receive a mandatory 10 years in a federal prison.
Tags: Friday Cheerleader Post, xmas ape
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June 20th, 2008 at 8:21 pm
She’d look good in one of those women’s prison movies.
June 20th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
waiting for joke…
waiting for joke…
Nicely done. 10 years in federal (pound me in the ass) prison is a nice touch.
June 20th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
Nice fucking post!
/was in a car with a drunken driver when i was 12
//said driver killed two old people going to church a couple years later
///still serving his 25 year term
////little should die
June 20th, 2008 at 9:01 pm
that might be the most depressing post anyone on this site has ever written.
fuck.
June 20th, 2008 at 9:10 pm
Wait, so how’d she become a cheerleader?
I smell plotholes.
June 20th, 2008 at 9:12 pm
Should have had her hit Isaac Bruce.
June 20th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
It shoud’ve been Kurt Warner. That holier-than-thou fuckface played NFL Europe ball in Amsterdam (Amsterdam!) and made a point of avoiding the drugs and prostitution. He was selected early in the commenter Vegas beat-down draft, but his holy roller, Detlef Schrempf-looking wife wasn’t. Take ‘em out, Mindy!
June 20th, 2008 at 10:23 pm
I don’t know what the deal with me is, but I thought this was hilarious. I rarely laugh out loud, especially when reading something, but this did the job. That said, I also cracked up when someone drafted Pat Tillman in the previous post…and when some little orphan kid got his hand bitten off by a clown. Oh well. Hell looked pretty cool in Dante’s Inferno.
June 20th, 2008 at 10:41 pm
Mindy’s a real scrapper- she should get together with Frank Grimes, except Frank Grimes is an uptight, dead asshole. She and the dog Mr. Burns made Executive Vice President might hit it off.
June 20th, 2008 at 10:49 pm
To think, I could have banged her for a little while to, you know, take the edge-off… People that uptight always do something stupid.
June 20th, 2008 at 10:58 pm
Too bad she couldn’t find the time to rape Jerramy Stevens
June 20th, 2008 at 11:48 pm
The sperm? From Frank Grimes.
June 21st, 2008 at 12:19 am
Ooh, poetic justice. Followed by the regular kind of justice, which highlights the original injustice.
/nerd
June 21st, 2008 at 12:21 am
Dick Vermeil just ran out of Kleenex.
June 21st, 2008 at 2:16 am
See, you SAY mandatory…but we all know little miss tight ass will work the system and get out in two years and be forced to do 2,000 hours of community service, like read books to children or some such crap. Meanwhile, Little’s grieving family has to live on with the knowledge that this bitch got away with murder! You hear me, Mindy?! You got away with MURDER!!!!!
June 21st, 2008 at 2:18 am
Oh, and by the way…Ruck the Fams. Oh wait, I’m sorry…
Fuck the Rams.
Had that thing “clever t-shirtted” for a moment.
June 21st, 2008 at 2:25 am
Will Mindy write a sexy, lezzy version of “Soul on Ice” while she’s in the klink?
June 21st, 2008 at 10:26 am
I smell plotholes.
ew.
June 21st, 2008 at 12:01 pm
before this post, i was just a normal, hung over music store employee. now, i’ve vomited franziskaner and garlic parmesan wings right at my desk!…..thanks, ape!
June 21st, 2008 at 5:50 pm
For sale. Pom-poms. Never shaken.
June 21st, 2008 at 8:36 pm
Solid, although it’s pretty unlikely you’ll find yourself in a federal prison for a crime like vehicular homicide. As for sodomy, state prison takes the cake.
Now, I need to sign off of the library computer and go blow my cell-husband, before my mess duty.
June 22nd, 2008 at 3:03 am
dear christ… grimey and mamacita, you win
June 22nd, 2008 at 11:40 am
Best cheerleader post to date.
June 22nd, 2008 at 2:23 pm
[...] Anyone interested in a fictional cheerleader biography? We thought so. – Kissing Suzy Kolber [...]
June 22nd, 2008 at 9:53 pm
I think I got briefly gay there for a second. I just thought that her uniform was stupid because it looks like it was built for a 4 year old.
…
…
…
Then I realized that her lack of Missouri hotness made me think about fashion.
June 23rd, 2008 at 12:45 am
It’s clearly Southern Illinois unhotness.
June 23rd, 2008 at 1:03 am
Mindy is my hero.
June 23rd, 2008 at 11:43 am
it’s a sad day when public service gets you 10 years in the pen.
one of the best posts i’ve read on here even though it’s a double downer to start my day with this shit and the carlin news.
June 23rd, 2008 at 12:38 pm
So her mom died and she’s got no boobs. Life is so unfair.