Dear Mrs. Randall, YOUR HUSBAND DIED A COWBOY!
(envelope flies open)
Dear Mrs. Andre Randall,
YEEEEEEEHAW! WAAAAHOOOOO! GREAT GREEN GOBS OF ELEPHANT CUM, WHOPPITY YOW!!!!!
How the hell you doin’, honey? It’s with deep regret that I must inform you that your husband, Andre, died this weekend while workin’ on my new Cowboys stadium, THE GREATEST GODDAMN STADIUM YOU EVER DONE SAW! It’s 50 times better than the stadium those faggots in New England play in!
Apparently, your husband died after touching a high voltage line. That makes him the second guy to do that this week. HOLY SHIT! That sounds like a helluva way to go! One second you’re about to take a lunch break, the next: ZAP! You’re a goddamn squirrel fricassee! And here I thought the only high voltage we got exposed here at the new stadium was some of the new, top-notch pussy we got comin’ in for the cheerleadin’ squad! YOU TALK ABOUT ELECTRIFYIN’!
Anyways, the ol’ DOUBLE-J sure is sorry as shit for your husband’s death and any inconvenience it may have caused. Shit, I just figured the only workers we’d lose building this gorgeous, state-of-the-art facility would be a couple of day laborers. AND WHO THE FUCK CARES IF ONE OF THEM GETS THE SHOCKER, KNOW WHAT I MEAN? The only way one of those guy’s families would know something was wrong was if the monthly check didn’t arrive at their village in the rainforest!
Sure does hurt me to lose a local feller. Although, if he’s touching bare power lines, he might not be the sharpest penis in the vagina! Shit, even our fatass retard coach wouldn’t do that, UNLESS HE THOUGHT IT WAS A LICORICE ROPE! What a big fat fuck! Anyway, your husband’s recklessness has helped absolve me of any legal liability for his accident. So really, he did me and the insurance company quite a big favor by bein’ so goddamn dumb. CHEERS TO THAT FUCKER!
Anyway, Mrs. Randall, I’d like to again express my deepest sympathies on behalf of myself and the intire COWBOY family: me, drunken Switzer, Princeton Boy, Other Princeton Boy, Fatty, Pacman, my boy ROMO, my lovely assistant Jennifer, that faggot Aikman, Special Emmitt Smith… all those assholes. I know there isn’t anything in this world that can compensate for the loss of your husband, which is why I’m not sending you any kind of money. That would only cheapen his memory. Instead, I’mma induct your son into the GODDAMN COWBOY RING OF HONOR! HOW YOU LIKE THAT SHIT, SWEETIE PIE?!
Actually, it’s not the official Ring of Honor. This is the unofficial subcontractor ring of honor, which is scratched into the crawlspace behind the new Pot Belly Sandwich Works located near Section 218 on the Loge-level concourse. You ever have one of their sandwiches? GOD DAMN, THEY ARE TASTY! Small, but still pretty fucking good! The Double-J likes himself THE WRECK! Salami, roast beef, turkey, ham, swiss: That thing’s tastier than a Thai girl’s ass! Why, big ol’ Wade would spurt in his Tuffskins if he ever saw one!
In fact, I’d like to present you with TWO $1 coupons for the new Pot Belly Sandwich works that you can redeem when the stadium opens in 2009! No need to thank me. THE DOUBLE-J TAKES CARE OF HIS OWN, DARLIN’! That is some delicious grievin’! I’d also like to extend to you an exclusive invitation to join our season ticket mailing list, provided you pony up the $3,000 waiting list convenience charge.
I’ve also enclosed ONE free ticket to our pregame showdown against those faggots from Houston on August 22nd! Ever seen my boy Romo live? HE’S A GODDAMN STAR! And you can see him up close as he rides the pine while some no-name dipshit scrub takes the field. I’ll be a fucking Louisiana witch doctor before I let my boy ROMO get hurt!
That ticket comes with a $450 convenience charge. We accept Visa and MasterCard. This ticket’s only free provided you buy a six-pack of tickets to every other preseason game. THE DOUBLE-J DIDN’T GET RICH BY BEING A SHITHEAD!
We’ve had an awful lot of troubles at our new stadium site. Your husband died, that one asshole got hit with a crane hook, some other guy fell 20 goddamn feet. And that’s just the shit we made public! One guy’s kid got eaten by the escalator! WHAT A GODDAMN MESS! But I tell ya, when you see this sparklin’ jewel of a new stadium, you’ll agree it was ALL WORTH IT! This place is gonna be a goddamn penthouse, darlin’! We got fountains, and arches, and panels, and glass, and all kinds of crazy shit! Even the shitter looks cool!
So don’t think your husband died in vain. He died a hero! A cowboy! He died doin’ what he loved: installing electricity so that the LED screen at my concession stands work properly! GOD DAMN, THAT IS A RIGHT HONORABLE WAY TO BOW OUT!
Let me ask you somethin’, darlin’: you a looker? Andre was pretty young. You must still be pretty well put together. You come on down to TIXAS Stadium and let the Double-J give you a once over. Even if you ain’t cheerleader material, it never hurts to have some more quality pussy ‘round these parts! I’ll give you a shoulder to cry on, and a lap to grind on! They don’t call my cock “The Widowmaker” for nuthin’!
So sorry ‘bout the dead husband. Hope he gets better. And don’t forgit about my little offer. ‘CAUSE THE DOUBLE-J KNOWS THAT SAD TAIL IS GOOD TAIL! YEEHAW! WOO HOO! I AM FUCKING CRAZY!
Warmest Regards,
JERRY GODDAMN JONES
OWNER
PRESIDENT
PRIME MINISTER
POPE
KING
VICEROY
EMPEROR
GENERAL MANAGER
HEAD FUCKER IN CHARGE
DALLAS FUCKING COWBOYS, THE PRIDE OF TIXAS!!!!!
PS – If you want, Tank Johnson can come to the funeral. My boy TANK just loves goin’ to funerals! Even if it’s for folks he don’t know! What a crazy asshole!
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Tags: Big Daddy Drew, corporate America cares about you deeply, jerry solo, Roy Williams was 10 steps away from preventing it, safety last
June 16th, 2008 at 11:42 am
“he might not be the sharpest penis in the vagina”
Holy.Shit. That is just awesome
June 16th, 2008 at 11:47 am
Which tally will be higher?
-# of strippers killed and disposed of in new stadium
-# of wokers killed building new stadium
June 16th, 2008 at 11:48 am
workers*
I say strippers
June 16th, 2008 at 11:49 am
The only way one of those guy’s families would know something was wrong was if the monthly check didn’t arrive at their village in the rainforest!
So the check-cashing places have extended from the hood to the rainforests now? Next thing you know, those poor bastards will have liquor stores, gun shops and hookers all over the forest driving tree values down.
June 16th, 2008 at 11:49 am
I say # of illegal worker/stripper combo that Double J somehow worked out.
June 16th, 2008 at 11:49 am
“Sorry ’bout the dead husband. Hope he gets better.”
Nice.
June 16th, 2008 at 11:54 am
Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don’t hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent - I don’t care which one - but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator.
This is the best Double-J yet.
June 16th, 2008 at 11:57 am
This was both heartwarming and delicious.
June 16th, 2008 at 11:59 am
Double J isn’t a titular Head Honcho?
June 16th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
Fucking holy lord Pot Belly is good. And the wreck is the only sandwich I’ve ever had. That is my only regret about moving from Philly back to Pgh. No more Wreck.
Also, that was the funniest Jerry in forever.
June 16th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
Once again you guys are the epitome of Too Soon. Thank you for allowing me indulge in sick and twisted humor.
“sharpest penis in the Vagina” Brilliant!
June 16th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Red McCombs and the Rich Texan are taking notes.
June 16th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
when the guy who writes the obits for the new york times retires, BDD’s a shoe-in for a second creative writing gig for hisownself.
June 16th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
What, no “geez bdd thats just wrong” tag exists?
The Tuffskins line alone sold me on the whole thing though. I was a fat kid, what can I say. I had a real love/hate relationship with brown corduroy. Those pants were fucking indestructible though. I think they stopped a bullet once.
June 16th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
“PS – If you want, Tank Johnson can come to the funeral. My boy TANK just loves goin’ to funerals! Even if it’s for folks he don’t know! What a crazy asshole!”
Well, Tank likes dat funeral pussy. Tears is good lube.
June 16th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
@ jeff v
strippers aren’t workers?
June 16th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
@ognihs, strippers aren’t people
June 16th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
@ porky1
Your wise words always have resonance here. I, too used to don the Tuffskins and I was the youngest of three boys, so I got the hand-me-downs. Still, they were definitely indesructable- they saved me from many a rattle-snake attack.
June 16th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Potbellys is awesome, tho. I like the Italian.
June 16th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
I say more workers will fill the cement at the new stadium. Pacman only likes to beat down the strippers. He likes to take shots at the workers.
You missed one of ol’ Double J’s titles, HNIC!!
June 16th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Oh, Drew, you are the height of just-too-muchery.
This post didn’t just cross the line. It wiped its ass with it.
June 16th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Had me at “(envelope flies open)”.
Could never imagine that an envelope could fly open, but if one man’s power could do it…it’d be the DOUBLE-J!!
June 16th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
if I’ve learned anything from the responses to this and the russert post, it’s that corpses bitch less than pats fans about cheap shots.
June 16th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
That was a cheap shot.
June 16th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
What, THOM hasn’t gone on a rant about this yet?
June 16th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Roy Williams was 10 steps away from preventing it is worthy of its own series. Outstanding!
June 16th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Jerry Goddamn Jones. Greatest middle name ever.
June 16th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
I’ve been trying to figure out which detail of this post doesn’t ring true.
I think it’s the fact that Double J would never have sent a letter.
He’d have communicated all this by strippergram.
June 16th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
@ Otto Man — It’s that JJ would never cuss in front of a lady. He would pour it on so thick she’d nearly drown, then cuss a blue streak in the front office.
June 16th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
After reading this, all I really want is a wreck from Potbelly’s.
Maybe I’ll go tomorrow for lunch.
June 16th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
mmmm… squirrel fricassee
June 16th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
Damn. I was really hoping ol’ Double J would take the title “Head Nigger In Charge.”
June 16th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
@hercules rockefeller
That kid … that kid is BACK on the escalator!
June 16th, 2008 at 8:57 pm
I’m not so sure, Mamacita.
Double J strikes me as the kind of guy who’s tell a nun to go Cheney herself.
June 16th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
double j: the most galactic fuck up texas has produced since our currently shitting president. may double j continue to live an existence that represents his idea of hell on earth - seeing the pride of tixas lose in the first round of the playoffs every goddam year. the shame and frustration just have to cause him to vapor lock sooner or later. they just have to.
June 16th, 2008 at 11:59 pm
@jujrock - One problem, Texas can’t take credit. JGDJ is the proud son of Arkansas.
June 17th, 2008 at 8:26 pm
And GWB was born in Connecticut.