Are You Prepared For More Shocking Transgressions That I Helped Hide For A While?
I know this may be difficult to stomach, but during my tenure as White House press secretary, I was privy to a number of damaging, invidious machinations that could undo our basic assumptions about this country and the morals upon which it was founded. Many have never seen the light of day. For instance, did you know the intelligence that led us into the War in Iraq was cooked? If only someone had said something over the past five years!
Furthermore, in my new hardcover book “What Happened?” (which, by the way, was not swiped from your movie title, Mr. Night Shyamalan, so tell your attorneys to quit calling me) I disclose several other mind-bending bombshells.
For instance: The NFL’s New England Patriots spied on other team’s defensive signals.
Yeah. Soak that one up. If you can.
I can feel your confidence in our country’s sense of righteous falling away with each passing sentence. Scotty Too Hotty senses these things. You may ask why I did not come forward earlier. You don’t know what the culture of the White House is like. It’s a bubble from which no credible information escapes. You work 18-hour days. That kind of fatigue will make anyone a toadying crony. I admit I was part of the propaganda machine. It’s not something I am proud of, but at least I can profit from it now.
I did capture this exchange between Patriots coach Bill Belichick and the president when the Patriots visited the White House to celebrate their victory in Super Bowl XXXIX. I was taking notes, because I knew I’d be writing a book later after all the facts had already been divulged by other sources.
Belichick: You know, Mr. President. I have a confession to make and I feel secure in making it because I am only surrounded by your inner circle of trusted associates. Here it is: My team filmed the defensive signals of other NFL teams that we played against. Also I banged several MILFs.
Whew. Load off my mind.
President Bush: That’s funny, because I fudged our reasoning for going to war with Iraq.
Belichick: Huh.
Good thing everybody within earshot is part of your propaganda machine. Otherwise this could be severely damaging to both our legacies.
Bush: Yes. Good thing.
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I also happen to know that the administration knowingly tipped off the identity of agent Valerie Plame to Robert Novak. Unbelievable, no? So, please, buy the book. I didn’t knowingly going along with mismanagement of governance for years for nothing, you know?
Tags: scotty too hottie, xmas ape
June 2nd, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Another startling nugget from Scotty’s book:
You know the chick in that movie “The Crying Game”? “She’s” a dude. Has a dick and everything.
June 2nd, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Are there any revelations about who Jeff Gannon was seeing in the White House and, on a related note, whether he and Jeff Garcia are actually one and the same?
June 2nd, 2008 at 1:28 pm
All this post needs is some Rikishi and Grandmaster Sexay and Too Cool can dance once again!
/shows self out
June 2nd, 2008 at 1:35 pm
this is what the liberal media wants you to believe.
June 2nd, 2008 at 1:35 pm
+1 for the Scottie 2 Hottie reference alone. “The Worm” is the best professional wrestling move ever. The look he got on his face, the crowd going wild as they spelled out each letter…fan-tastic.
Also: The USA PATRIOT Act is being used to unlawfully spy on Americans without due process.
Also also: We condoned and even encouraged torture, approving specific methods and outsourcing the worst aspects to “black sites” in Europe.
June 2nd, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Ohmygod, what if Bill Belicheat used the Patriot Act to spy on other teams?! Lord help us all…
June 2nd, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Am I to believe from reading this that the White House has a propaganda machine?
June 2nd, 2008 at 2:00 pm
where is the dress with the stain? is that in the book too..
June 2nd, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Another shocking revelation: Kenny Irons likes midgets!
June 2nd, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Wow. I never knew that Vigo from Ghostbusters II was the White House Press Secretary.
June 2nd, 2008 at 2:14 pm
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
June 2nd, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Well sir, when I started writing this book, we were going to this bingo parlor at the YMCA, well one thing led to another, and the instructions got all fouled up… and now I am a fucking rat
June 2nd, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Also, it turns out that the President’s intelligence quotient is not terribly high. And Vice-President Cheney eats fetal dogs for breakfast.
/waiting for something we didn’t already know
June 2nd, 2008 at 2:31 pm
“Mr. McClellan, please show us on this doll where President Bush touched you”
June 2nd, 2008 at 2:44 pm
futuremrsrickankiel Says:
June 2nd, 2008 at 2:14 pm edit
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Finally a girl for Suss!
June 2nd, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Scottie Too Hottie references make me want to vomit. All the south side broads used to make those signs for Scott Podsednik when he was patrolling left field for the White Sox. Then he married a playmate….south side girls got no love.
June 2nd, 2008 at 2:50 pm
No way McClellan used the word, “machinations.”
June 2nd, 2008 at 2:54 pm
@ Nashville: +1 Stripes reference!
Also, Do you think Cheney is sitting somewhere in his secret bunker, shouting “Scotty Don’t!”
June 2nd, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Ladies and gentlemen, the John Madden of the political world!
June 2nd, 2008 at 3:02 pm
@NSF, it looks like McClellan swallows a lot of aggression, along with a lot of pizzas.
/RIP , John Candy
June 2nd, 2008 at 3:19 pm
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Oh, sorry, was that me? I must have left my vibrator… er, I mean, I must have left my cell phone on vibrate.
June 2nd, 2008 at 3:24 pm
Be sure not to leave your vibrator on “cell phone” mode during coitus. Could lead to some awkward situations, is what I’m saying.
June 2nd, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Damn, Ape, with that kind of witty political satire, you could write for The Post!
…what?
June 2nd, 2008 at 4:43 pm
+1 more for the Scotty too Hotty reference. Man that brings back the good ol days of Monday night Raw, Charlie Brown’s unlimited wings and Guinness pints. And a really shitty Tuesday morning at work.
I can just see Cheney now:
I want you to get this fuck where he breathes! I want you to find this nancy-boy Scotty Mac, I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND! I wanna go there in the middle of the night and I wanna PISS ON HIS ASHES!
June 2nd, 2008 at 5:31 pm
Someone with video skills should do mashup of the Lustra song “Scotty Doesn’t Know” (from Europe) featuring clips of McClellan with the White House press corps.
June 2nd, 2008 at 5:44 pm
Eurotrip, I mean.
June 2nd, 2008 at 6:00 pm
I was seriously hoping I’d never hear the name “Valerie Plame” ever again.
DAMN YOU, APE.
June 2nd, 2008 at 10:10 pm
It’s not swiped from this?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D421N6xlisg
June 2nd, 2008 at 10:51 pm
Next confession: He’s Mr. Belding’s illegitimate love child.
June 3rd, 2008 at 12:00 am
UM for the win.
June 3rd, 2008 at 1:56 am
That Julius Caesar assassination? That was an inside job.
June 3rd, 2008 at 2:35 am
Et tu, Booyah?
June 3rd, 2008 at 3:23 am
Psst…know what else I learned in my tenure at the White House? Kanye had the Prez totally pegged…mother fucker really don’t like black people. Amazing…
June 3rd, 2008 at 9:45 am
I got an early draft of Scotty’s sequel, where he unleashes the following secrets:
* V8 juice isn’t 1/8 gasoline
* Ted Koppel is a robot
June 3rd, 2008 at 10:13 am
I call bullshit. Everything Mr. Belding does is legitimate.
Not to be an ungrateful, whiny fuck, but where are new posts? It’s been 21 hours already. What, you guys suddenly have lives?
June 3rd, 2008 at 10:15 am
The Village People…were GAY.
Let that plot twist rattle around in your psyche for a while.
June 3rd, 2008 at 10:59 am
McClellan’s next revelation: George Bush hates Stephen Colbert.
June 3rd, 2008 at 11:27 am
@Zack
Nice Eurotrip reference. The song was the only funny thing in an otherwise dissappointingly snatchless movie about a bunch of pussies in Europe.