Your Team of Football-Playing Aliens Could Use More Aliens
Mrs. York, the assembled personnel department of the San Francisco 49ers: I would like to thank you for affording me this opportunity and for indulging my transporting here from the Skywalker Ranch via pod racer. I can say unequivocally that the gesture is truly wizard.
No doubt you were impressed by the worldwide box office success of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, for which I held an executive producing credit and a browbeating my friend Steven Spielberg with insipid ideas credit. That scene with Shia and the monkeys? All Lucas, baby. The Young Turks live on!
I know that you, Mrs. York, do not have an affinity for the sport of football. Neither do I. Nor do I enjoy making movies. They get in the way of my amazing CGI monkeys. But I know what makes them sing. If there are clear lessons to be gleaned from the latest Indy, the public clamors voraciously with two things: the 1950s and space aliens.
Ah, excuse me. Yes, I’ve had industrial Light and Magic change my otherwise distasteful sounding bodily emissions into Star Wars effects. Very, very wizard.
Where was I? Oh, yes - the ’50s and space aliens. Is it possible for you to outfit your players in leather jackets and give them a large supply of combs with which to correct their cowlicks after each play? You saw how butch it made Shai look. He was a real greaser, that LaBeouf. Did you know I made American Graffiti? And that it’s a cinematic treasure beyond compare? Believe me, your fans will find it most wizard. Or, should I say, retro wizard.
About those fans, you won’t need them! All you’ll need to do is wrap the stadium in blue screen and there will be a veritable panoply of interesting alien races cheering on the game. You’ll have Ewoks, Tusken Raiders, a whole clan of cheering rhesus monkeys, the shebang. I’ll even add Chewbacca in there as a subtle nod to the hardcore fans. In the owner’s box: Watto. Get it? Because he resembles a Jew!
The only caveat with this is that you mustn’t air any games live. Makes it difficult on the animators. Post-production takes time, baby.
And stop wasting your money on new players! Crowds feed off nostalgia. You know 32 percent of the Indy movie is lingering shots of his hat, visual references to the past movies and glimpses of the Ark of the Covenant.
Keep doing what’s worked in the past. What do Niners fans like? The Catch? Well, keep running that play, dummy. Addlebrained reviewers said Kingdom of the Crystal Skull transported them back to their childhood. Well, of course it did - it had the exact same ending as Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, just with aliens. Beautiful CGI aliens.
[Cackles]
Tags: dont even watch the new indy movie, neeeeerrddsss, xmas ape
May 29th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Umm….
It’s Tusken Raiders, not Tuscan - though a whole bunch of Italians complaining that this wasn’t the football they were looking for would be funny too.
May 29th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
GL looks like a bullfrog in that neck…
May 29th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
How can you possibly forget the robot football on the holograms in the background of the bar in Attack of the Clon…
I’ve said too much.
May 29th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
Rest of Gay Mafia: Why would we want to introduce .wav files to the site?
Xmas Ape: I’ve got three words- Burps, Farts, Chewbacca
Rest of Gay Mafia: [deafening applause]
May 29th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
Well la-dee-da. Looks like SOMEONE figured out how to embed .wav files.
Show-off.
May 29th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
what the fuck is wrong with this guy’s neck? if it wasn’t for the beard i wouldn’t be able to aim my fist at his chin.
May 29th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
I wish he would never touch a movie again, seeing how he’s ruined 2 of my childhood favorite things now.
If he makes a sequel to Howard the Duck - I’m boycotting it.
May 29th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
actually they are trans-dimensional beings…. *head explodes a la Scanners due to the sheer number of times I’ve heard this from fans paying a little too much attention to these types of movies*
May 29th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
That scene with Shia swinging on the vines with an army of CGI monkeys was so bad I nearly laughed out loud.
May 29th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
What I learned from that movie was this : Nuclear blast? Find a fridge!
May 29th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Truly, truly awful … Lucas that is. Last time I pay $9.50 for CGI porn, at least of the monkey variety.
May 29th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
Spend your 9.50 on Iron Man instead.
May 29th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Agreed, Iron Man was fucking awesome.
May 29th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
It wasn’t the worst movie ever…but it was unspectacular as hell. Considering this is Indiana Jones we’re talking about, it’s just as bad as if they’d made an out-and-out off-the-wall shitfest–at least going that route would have produced some original ideas.
The entire movie was the damn prologue to STARGATE, with way too much cutesy-pootsy bullshit.
Honestly felt more like an episode of the Young Indy series than the movie. Oh look, Area 51! Oh look, teenagers in a hot rod! Oh look, Commies! Oh look, the a nuclear test in a “retro” dummy town! Oh look, it’s She LaBoof as “The Mild One!” Hey look, Red Scare FBI Agents! Wheeeeeeeeeeee!
One great moment:
Indy mentioning riding with Pancho Villa and spitting after saying the name of Victoriano Huerta.
But if you haven’t seen it, waiting for the rental won’t kill you.
Makes me so sad to say that…
May 29th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
there are fucking aliens in the new indy movie?! I think I’ll be spending my $10 on an oakland raiders sweatshirt instead and then head over to the skywalker ranch. what a dickbag
May 29th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
George Lucas: Raping your childhood one digitally rendered shitheap at a time.
May 29th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Oh, and out of curiousity, is there anything as egregious as Vader’s “NOOOOOOOOOO!” at the end of “Revenge of the Sith”?
May 29th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
@ Big Rick….
NOOOOOOOOOO! It was…. possibly the most emasculating thing they could have done to the galaxy’s biggest badass.
May 29th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Chewbacca is awesome and his roar/groan/whatever it is always, without fail, makes me smile.
May 29th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
Let’s not overly blame Lucas though…this is Steven Spielberg here, one of the 2 or 3 men on Earth who can tell George “Piss off, that’s a bad idea.” Yet this stuff all got through. Why? Because Spielberg’s lost his “all access” touch.
Munich: A bit long, but a bad-ass movie.
Schindler’s List: Wrenchingly great.
Amistad: Bit dull but underrated.
Saving Private Ryan: A few plot holes but robbed by Shitspeare in Love at the Oscars.
All blatantly SERIOUS ADULT movies.
But when he tries to spin “magic,” “whimsy,” or “excitement” on a flick since Jurassic Park, he’s lost it. Hook, AI, Catch Me If You Can, Lost World, Terminal, Minority Report…and the Walkie Talkies in E.T.? Waddafux?
May 29th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Love the neeeeerrddsss! tag.
“Is there anything fluffier than a cloud?”
-”If there is I don’t want to know about it”
May 29th, 2008 at 5:35 pm
I know it’s already been said, but… DUDE WHERE THE FUCK IS YOUR NECK?
Did he swallow a small mammal?
May 29th, 2008 at 8:37 pm
I heard his toupee was scalped off the original ALF.
May 29th, 2008 at 10:49 pm
Posts like these make me smile sympathetically at your cat.
May 30th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
I thought Crystal Skull was pretty disappointing too, but if I remember correctly, Raiders of the Lost Ark ended with Nazis opening up the Ark of the Covenant, resulting in ghosts emerging from the ark that proceeded to melt their faces. Oh, and Indy and his girl were able to avoid the face melting fate because they CLOSED THEIR EYES. So aliens and a UFO emerging from a native American pyramid is kind of par for the course.
May 30th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
throwbot, I see where you’re going with this…and I get it.
But Indiana Jones, to me, has always been about relics, religion, the occult, etc. Old shit. On planet Earth, albeit with nods to the divine.
UFOs? Eh, not so much.
As far as Crystal Skull goes, my one big ‘hollywood suspension of believe’ moment occurred when Indy climbed into a fridge. It was awesome, but at that point, anything else ridiculous deserves head scratching and gnashing of teeth.
CGI monkeys, hollow side characters, FUCKIN’ aliens…trumped up Red Scare nonsense that never is forgotten by film’s end…and of course, the threat of sequels!
It’s not that the movie blows goats, it’s that the movie was mediocre by Indiana Jones standards.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I must return to the nerdery with my calculator to play Risk.
June 1st, 2008 at 11:47 pm
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