You Fackin’ People Owe Celtics Nation An Apawlogy, And $3,000 Trillion In Punitive Damages
Well, well, well. Look who just just fackin’ exawnerated far cheating by Rawjah fackin’ Goodell himself? BILLY BELICHICK AND THE REST OF AMERICA’S TEAM, THE FACKIN’ NEW ENGLAND PAYTREE-UHTS! That fackin’ pussy snitch Matty Wawlsh didn’t have any hahhhhhhhhd evidence that my boys cheated in any way, shape, or farm. Case fackin’ closed. PUT THAT IN YOUR TAPE RECARDER AND JERK AWFF TO IT!
I know you fackin’ faggot hatahs out they-ah hoped far a different result. I know you held out hope, against all hope, that the fackin’ Pats jugguhnut was just some kind of illusion. But it’s nawt, you fackin’ losahs! Our collective dawminance was just as real as this Tazmanian Devil tattoo on my bicep. Look at fackin’ Taz! He’s fackin crazy, just like the fackin’ Tawmstah!
Anyway, now that The Genius and my beloved fackin’ Paytree-uts have been clee-uhed of all chaaaaaaaaahges, it’s time to collect some gawddamn restitution. That’s right! You fackin’ people owe the entiah Celtics Nation an Apawlogy.
And $3,000 trillion in punitive damages.
I don’t think you fackin’ faggots could possibly cawmprehend the terrible haaaaahtache this SpyGate case has caused, both to myself and the greater Massachusetts pawpulation. We have fackin’ suffahed a grave injustice, and now we demand to be paid far it! Now, I know you dahkies out there like to piss and moan all day long about how you deserve reparations. Maybe you fackin’ dahkies should try lookin’ far a job instead! My buddy Neil needs a busboy over at his pub/tanning salawn.
But those blackies don’t deserve any reparations. It was they-ah ancestahs that suffered. BUT WE PATS FANS AH SUFFERING NOW! This was REAL pain, inflicted by malicious hatahs! Don’t try comparin’ that to some sob stary about yah great great aunt being sold awn the open mahhhhhket! That’s unfay-uh!!
Furth-ah-mor-ah, I demand that the final scar of Super Bowl Farty Two be over-fackin’turned. That’s right! WE were not the ones who cheated! By accusing us of cheating, EVERYONE ELSE gained an unfay-uh psychomological advantage! That’s REAL cheating!
This entiah cawtroversy took an unimaginable toll on Tawmmy Brady, Tedi fackin’ Bruschi, and the rest of ow-ah heroes! You don’t think they wouldn’t have plowed the Giants like a Puerto Rican schoolgarl if they didn’t have that shit hangin’ over they-ah heads?! Such was they-ah despay-uh, that even the legendary rooting pow-ah of the great Baston faithful could not override it. And I think you know just how unlikely that is!
THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! THE PATS EASILY WON THAT GAME IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE BY SIXTY FACKING POINTS, YOU FACKS!
So I want that game overturned. And I want my money. I told my garlfriend I’d take hah to Cancun. BUT I WANNA DUMP HAH AND PAAAAHTY WITH SOME NARTHEASTERN U. TAIL INSTEAD!!!!
This has been a very hahhhd time for the great people of Celtics Nation. We have been terribly wronged. And now ow-ah great Celtics are being screwed out of a Cawnference Finals berth, depriving us awl of the Lakahs-Celts Finals that everyone in America wants WITHOUT A SINGLE EXCEPTION OF ANY FACKIN’ KIND.
All because of the refs and that facking LeBrawn dahkie. Everything thinks he’s so great. BUT HE DOESN’T HAVE KEVIN FACKIN’ MCHALE’S EYE-UHN WILL! McHale would have knawcked that big dumb dahkie right on his ass! Then the Gahhhhden faithful would have let him have it! You think LeBrawn would be tough enough to handle that?! I THINK NOT!
LeBrawn’s not so fackin’ tough! “Oh no, that guy fouled me too haaaahd! I got a booboo! Oh no! Someone put me in a choke hold!” Sack it up, BrawnBrawn. Your mama should be well acquainted with police choke holds by now!
You clearly lack the steely resolve and determination of Tawmmy Brady and Celtics Nation. NO ONE’S FACKING TOUGHER THAN US!
So please, pay us our punitive damages. We were-ah really hurt by all this.
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Tags: Big Daddy Drew, LOSERGATE, racist people, Tommy from Quinzee
May 14th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
win
May 14th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
“even the legendary rooting pow-ah of the great Baston faithful could not override it”
Awesome. Just awesome.
Tawmmy never gets old to me.
May 14th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
I can’t help but hear Matt Damon’s voice when I read these.
Fack.
May 14th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Future Mrs. boyfriend sounds like a real asshole.
May 14th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
You’re not alone Pirate Sloth, I hear that fackin’ voice whenevah I read one’a these fackin’ things.
I like the “Celtics Nation” part too. Subtle but telling.
May 14th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
And $3,000 trillion in punitive damages.
this is like when lil’ jon transforms into an intellectual.
May 14th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
I hear Damon’s voice from “The Departed” for these and Kim Jong Il from “Team America” for the Hines Ward posts.
May 14th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
The “Celtics Nation” was far and away my favorite part of this.
These never get old, indeed.
May 14th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Not Matt Damon from Good Will Hunting?
May 14th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
“But it’s nawt, you fackin’ losahs! Our collective dawminance was just as real as this Tazmanian Devil tattoo on my bicep. Look at fackin’ Taz! He’s fackin crazy, just like the fackin’ Tawmstah!”
Christ, that is the best Tawmmy quote yet.
@Junker - Those are the exact same voices I hear when I read these.
May 14th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
As soon as I heard the news about the Walsh tapes showing jack shit, I was hoping Tawmmy would have a comment on the situation. Thank you for not disappointing, Big Daddy Balls.
May 14th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
You can actually maximize the entertainment from the Hines Ward posts by adjusting the tone of your inner racist. Instead of Kim Jong/City Wok Guy, try Mr. Fuji, Lo Pan, Doctor Klahn, any one of the colorful Japanese soldiers from WWII-era cartoons, or the Mister Sparkle mascot voice.
May 14th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
psychomological indeed.
May 14th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Instant Classic
May 14th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
@Francois Leroux
Agreed. KSK: Come for the graphic horse porn, stay for the finely nuanced writing.
May 14th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
You know, if Roger Goodell really wanted to find out if Belichick was cheating, he could’ve just smelled his dick
May 14th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Excellent as always, however, I don’t think Tommy is that well educated about alternate universes.
May 14th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
One slight complaint Drew, do you really think Tawmmy knows the definition of the word, “punitive?”
@ Grimey - Looks like someone was on ESDBS today.
May 14th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
I will never get sick of this. I just love that picture.
May 14th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
One slight complaint Drew, do you really think Tawmmy knows the definition of the word, “punitive?”
May 14th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
@ Chris - Bess Mervin
Bite Me. A devoted Masshole who knows the truth
May 14th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
That newspaper is probably selling better in Quinzee today than the new Welkah Real Dawl (now with 40 pahcent moaw hustle).
May 14th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
“And bawwwy the waaaayyy, don’t think I’m missin all yah dahhhhkies plawuhn all this white trailer fackin ass lately, Cedric fawkin Benson’s goawhna pay … and thhat horse puss matha a his looks like she’s at a staaaaaa trekk convention ova thaaa with fitzy”
May 14th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
I call bullshit…
exawnerated? There’s no fackin’ way…he knows that word.
May 14th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
“You don’t think they wouldn’t have plowed the Giants like a Puerto Rican schoolgarl.”
I bet those Puerto Rican school girls I see on the subway have probably had more sex than most bloggers do in a lifetime.
May 14th, 2008 at 6:05 pm
How come you never re-named the picture to be Tawmmy?
May 14th, 2008 at 7:12 pm
You know every time I meet someone from Boston/NE I always ask them how sad they are about all this and every time they always condescendingly tell me how no one cares about that because it’s all about the Red Sox.
FACKIN’ MICK LIAHS!!
May 14th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
“Such was they-ah despay-uh, that even the legendary rooting pow-ah of the great Baston faithful could not override it. And I think you know just how unlikely that is!”
And today Simmons wrote a column predicting that the C’s would pull it out tonight BECAUSE of the great fackin fans in the gah-din.
Tawmee’s a fackin prawphit you gawddam shitbawxes
May 14th, 2008 at 11:49 pm
God, you know it must kill Simmons and rest of Bahston to have to root for a team of 5 starters and a coach who are all Dah-kies, man if they could root for Cleveland, they’d talk about “Wahlly” and how he was the “best since Bahd”
May 15th, 2008 at 8:34 am
@socratic - Definitely. He’s such a pompous assbag about the Patriots and Red Sox, but only complains about the Celtics and Rivers. The secret to the Celtics success? Certainly not The Big Three or that Doc Rivers isn’t really that bad of a coach. They’re black. Only white people win in sports in Simmons’ world. Here it is in Simmons’ own words:
Twenty-four hours later, I have talked myself into the Celtics pulling out this series simply because the Boston crowd can’t and won’t let the Celtics falter in Games 5 and 7.
And he’s being serious. God, what a douchebag.
May 15th, 2008 at 9:56 am
@socraticsilence
Pretty sure when Wally was a Celtic he was one of the more hated players on the team. But good theory, you obviously put a lot of thought and knowledge into your comments. With that work ethic, you could be a Boston Herald reporter. Keep up the good work.
May 15th, 2008 at 10:20 am
Future Mrs. boyfriend sounds like a real asshole.
Heh. I love this feature. The racism aside, this actually does sound exactly like the brotards who hit on me at the Harp (oh, excuse me, the Haahp) and Cask & Flagon. Oh lordy I love me some Masshole boys.
Shinons, I think you’re completely misinterpreting that line from Simmons. The notion that a supportive fanbase at home can help propel a team to victory is a pretty accepted part of the “home court advantage” concept, I think. I’m no Simmons apologist (I don’t think he should ever, EVER write about football), but that column was unbelievably well-done and you’re taking that line very much out of context.
/buys you a beer
May 15th, 2008 at 11:25 am
I will bite my tongue and just say that the said column really pissed me off (usually I just read them for, as he would call it, unintentional comedy) and struck me as entirely racist. I will say no more and accept the cyber-beer.
May 15th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
FutureMrs.,
Geez, what a change from yesterday when you were full of venom. Are you in your happy place now? I miss your ever changing pictures from the old site.
And to all the newbies to KSK… this site is racist, homophobic, nasty, sordid… and very equal opportunity. Get used to it.
/dick joke.
May 15th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
how can you completely nail this accent and butch the Hines Ward engrish one so badly?
I think this was the best one yet. Taz Tattoo ftw.
May 15th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
Any one else hear the voice as the lead guy from “The Psychotic Legend of Uncle Donny” from that Adam Sandler album?
“Geez…Dawny… what’s that, like yuh 11th shawt of Rum?”
“Don’t count… only old women count”
May 15th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
@Socratic - You do know that Wally played here, right? And we thought he sucked, right? And that he was only traded this off season, right? I know you want to be funny and all, but you should probably avoid looking like a moron when you do it. Takes the laughter away frmo the joke and onto yourself. Idiot.
May 15th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
@Shinons:
I understand where you are coming from in that Simmons is just about the biggest douchebag ever, but I think you are s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g the racism angle just a bit. Did you read Simmons’ rundown of his NBA MVP’s? Needless to say, Garnett was number one, and he pretty much typographically ejaculated all over the page when he wrote why he thought so.
May 15th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Don’t forget the hard on he has for Tim Duncan, Handful.
May 15th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
It’s that I thought this particular column was racist. I think he portrayed Rivers, a guy who’s been in the league for 25 years, knows a hell of a lot more about the sport than Simmons, and has never had a decent roster, as a Sambo-like character. I’m trying to bite my tongue on the subject to refrain from a full on rant on subtle, underlying racism (especially in MSM).
Play the race card! Play it…!
May 15th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
I’m not sure which line is better: that Taz one or the first post where he talks about giving fags the ol’ fish hook. Every time Drew makes one of these posts, a Red Sox fan gets genital herpes.
As for him not knowing certain words, I’m sure he heard them used in a Matt Damon or Ben Affleck movie and thought they sounded smart (okay, maybe not an Affleck movie).
May 15th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
awesome… just freakin awesome
May 16th, 2008 at 10:33 am
This is possibly the most unfunny article I have already read. Just awful
May 16th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Outstanding…just outstanding.