Tony’s Day of Golf
05.08.08
Ext. Golf Club of Dallas
[cellphone rings]
Tony: You got Romo!
Jessica: Why do you answer the phone like that? It’s so stupid.
Tony: Hey Jess, I told you I was busy today.
Jessica: Why, whatareyou doin?
Tony: Well, I just knocked in a 20-footer for par on the first hole. 17 more of those and I’m on to the sectionals!
Jessica: Ugh, nobody cares about your bowling scores.
Tony: No babe, I’m playing golf. Don’t you remember last week at dinner when I told you I was trying to get into the US Open?
Jess: Well if it’s open, why don’t you just go in? Ohmygod! Are you watching The Hills?
Tony: No Jess, I’m in the middle of my round.
Jess: Don’t they have a tv at the bowling alley? I mean, there’s a Hillsmarathon on today. Gosh, I really wish I were back on tv. We should totally get a reality show!
Tony: Actually Jess, I meant to talk to you about that. I’m going to be on that HBO show Hard Knocks during training camp.
Jessica: Hang on, I wanna conference in Daddy on the call.
Tony: What are you fucking kidding me? I once watched you put KY jelly on your toast, how can you possibly know how to-
Joe: Go for Papa Joe!
Jessica: Hey daddy! You won’t believe it, I’m gonna be on another reality show!
Tony: Uh, not exacly…
Joe: What the hell are you talkin’ about? My sweet baby Jessica is the show god damn it!
Tony: Actually Joe-
Joe: Call me Papa Joe.
Tony: I’d rather not. Listen, the show is Hard Knocks on HBO, and it’s about the Cowboys, not me and Jess.
Joe: Are you kidding me? Don’t they know that each one of her milky white ta-ta’s is worth millions in advertising revenue?
Tony: It’s a pay channel, they don’t have advertisers.
Jessica: I just got the sexiest bikini ever.
Tony and Joe: I bet you did, sweet tits.
Jessica: Awww, ya’ll are cute.
Joe: Hell, if this is pay tv we can finally let those suckable nipples some camera time!
Tony: You see, this is exactly why HBO doesn’t want Jess on the show.
Joe: What, are those Hollyjewmo’s scared of some good ole’ home-suckled American fuck globes?
Tony: Her what-globes were suckled by who now?
Joe: Fine, don’t show the fun bags, I’ll save their debut for my retirement. But how about a quick sex tape on the last episode? You know, totally dark, all subtitled like. Classy, all the way.
Tony: Jess, can you believe this shit?
Jess: I know, Heidi’s such a bitch!
Joe: Listen Chico, if you don’t fuck my daughter on that show then I’ll do it myself.
Tony: I hate my life.
[fumbles tee]
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The weather has yet again spoilt the beginning #of the# Canadian Open. It’s going to become soft going.
Seems like Tiger Woods has lost his magic now. What a terrible score in the Florida Championship.
I enjoyed the tournament yesterday. Tiger even now ended within the top 5 after not playing for 5 months so I believe he will come back.
I can’t stand this tony hobo! I mean really people he has never won a playoff game. He finds ways to loose. This cowboy team stinks and everyone should stop talking about them. The most interesting thing about them is that their QB bangs J. Simpson, not to be confused with O.J. Simpson who is probably getting banged right now! I sure wouldn’t want to be juice now!
Oh man. A Marmalard/Jerry Jones/Tony Romo/Hines Wald crossover spectacular!
When will we see the all-time showdown post where Wade and Jerry’s meeting is interrupted by Marmalard and then joined by Kurt and Kitna while Eli wishes he had a pony?
Is it bad that I felt sorry for that douchebag Nick Lachey? Cause when the second season of that god-awful-yet-so-entertaining-show opened with them coming out of Home Depot, and she said … well, it went like this:
Jess: “When we first got married, you would open the car door for me all the time.”
Nick: (under his breath) “When we first got married, I was getting laid.”
Jess: “What?”
Nick: “Nothing.”
I wept a little bit for the man.
No, I am not gay.
Awesome, Maj … well done.
[fumbles tee] makes it all worth it.
PacMan: Well, fuck! If Romo’s not gonna do it in front of the camera and got a restraining order on Papa Joe, I’ll step up!
Honestly, tho, guys….if your daughter looked like Jessica, wouldn’t you nail her?
No?
If she were my stepdaughter tho…
@HHU. Well in some instances (like polygamist colonies and the state West Virginia) you are almost obligated to.
/went way past too far
Honestly, tho, guys….if your daughter looked like Jessica, wouldn’t you nail her?
Hello?
/Went too far
Silly Otto, southerners don’t believe in grammar.
Also, I’d like it noted for the record that I avoided the easy Hee-Haw joke here.
“You better believe my grammar! She ain’t lied her whole life!”
“And now … here’s Roy!”
Yes, be thankful I didn’t go there.
Silly Otto, southerners don’t believe in grammar.
Excellent point. There’s really so much my people don’t believe in — fancy-pants shoes, book learnin’, elitist scientists, ringworm medication, and such and such.
In truth, we can’t believe in much because we’ve devoted all of our faith to two things: the little baby Jesus and the Confederacy. One of them already rose again, and the other one ain’t far behind!
/Git-R-Dumb
oh, and thanks to everyone else for their kind words.
Silly Otto, southerners don’t believe in grammar.
The Gay Mafia has been of fire lately. This post is absolute comedy gold. As was stated earlier, the best part is, it isn’t stretching the bounds of my imagination at all to assume that this is how Romo’s life plays out on a daily basis. Well this, and coming up small in big playoff spots, but he’ll save that for early next year.
[Fumbles Tee]
Right up there with [Door Flies Open]
Can’t wait for the next installment…
You are truly doing the Lord’s work, Maj!
That was great, but the [fumbles tee] at the end stole the show. Also, shouldn’t there be a picture of Jessica somewhere in the post? I’m just sayin’
As much as I hate to give dap to Redskins fans…UM, you get a +1 for that post. This is why I want Jess and Joe to get shot off into space never to be heard from again, kinda like these twits
You just HAD to make a fumble joke before the end, didn’t you?
[/cries in his room for an hour before returning]
Oh, and like AM, this is how I imagine all of Romo’s conversations go with Jess and Papa Joe.
fucking hilarious, +1,000
@Rob You
That’s not all he’s on…
Awesome. Maj is on a tear!
@ BigTravATX
Maybe both? She’s fun in bed but otherwise irritating as a whole to be around.
This is why escort services were invented.
Looking forward to the next installment when Romo introduces Pete Wentz to Tank Johnson and Pacman Jones on the Hard Knocks set.
Well played, UM.
But as an ex-pat southerner, I have to point out that it’s “y’all” and not “ya’ll.”
As in the classic Onion headline.
The sad part is, there’s nothing in that whole conversation that makes me think it couldn’t have happened.
“Joe: Listen Chico, if you don’t fuck my daughter on that show then I’ll do it myself.” I think that ship sailed a long time ago.
@SMK
That maybe the reason I was born.
“Tony and Joe: I bet you did, sweet tits.”
That’s up there with the Vinatieri/Satan interaction in my book.
I dont know if i pity or envy Romo…
I liked the part about the boobs.
the Internet was invented for the day when Papa Joe meets Jerry Jones
Maj–spike the ball because that’s a touchdown.
If a picture of Jessica isn’t edited into this post, then the terrorists have won.
home-suckled American fuck globes
love it