Tony’s Day of Golf
Ext. Golf Club of Dallas
[cellphone rings]
Tony: You got Romo!
Jessica: Why do you answer the phone like that? It’s so stupid.
Tony: Hey Jess, I told you I was busy today.
Jessica: Why, whatareyou doin?
Tony: Well, I just knocked in a 20-footer for par on the first hole. 17 more of those and I’m on to the sectionals!
Jessica: Ugh, nobody cares about your bowling scores.
Tony: No babe, I’m playing golf. Don’t you remember last week at dinner when I told you I was trying to get into the US Open?
Jess: Well if it’s open, why don’t you just go in? Ohmygod! Are you watching The Hills?
Tony: No Jess, I’m in the middle of my round.
Jess: Don’t they have a tv at the bowling alley? I mean, there’s a Hillsmarathon on today. Gosh, I really wish I were back on tv. We should totally get a reality show!
Tony: Actually Jess, I meant to talk to you about that. I’m going to be on that HBO show Hard Knocks during training camp.
Jessica: Hang on, I wanna conference in Daddy on the call.
Tony: What are you fucking kidding me? I once watched you put KY jelly on your toast, how can you possibly know how to-
Joe: Go for Papa Joe!
Jessica: Hey daddy! You won’t believe it, I’m gonna be on another reality show!
Tony: Uh, not exacly…
Joe: What the hell are you talkin’ about? My sweet baby Jessica is the show god damn it!
Tony: Actually Joe-
Joe: Call me Papa Joe.
Tony: I’d rather not. Listen, the show is Hard Knocks on HBO, and it’s about the Cowboys, not me and Jess.
Joe: Are you kidding me? Don’t they know that each one of her milky white ta-ta’s is worth millions in advertising revenue?
Tony: It’s a pay channel, they don’t have advertisers.
Jessica: I just got the sexiest bikini ever.
Tony and Joe: I bet you did, sweet tits.
Jessica: Awww, ya’ll are cute.
Joe: Hell, if this is pay tv we can finally let those suckable nipples some camera time!
Tony: You see, this is exactly why HBO doesn’t want Jess on the show.
Joe: What, are those Hollyjewmo’s scared of some good ole’ home-suckled American fuck globes?
Tony: Her what-globes were suckled by who now?
Joe: Fine, don’t show the fun bags, I’ll save their debut for my retirement. But how about a quick sex tape on the last episode? You know, totally dark, all subtitled like. Classy, all the way.
Tony: Jess, can you believe this shit?
Jess: I know, Heidi’s such a bitch!
Joe: Listen Chico, if you don’t fuck my daughter on that show then I’ll do it myself.
Tony: I hate my life.
[fumbles tee]
May 8th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
home-suckled American fuck globes
love it
May 8th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
If a picture of Jessica isn’t edited into this post, then the terrorists have won.
May 8th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Maj–spike the ball because that’s a touchdown.
May 8th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
the Internet was invented for the day when Papa Joe meets Jerry Jones
May 8th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
I liked the part about the boobs.
May 8th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
I dont know if i pity or envy Romo…
May 8th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
“Tony and Joe: I bet you did, sweet tits.”
That’s up there with the Vinatieri/Satan interaction in my book.
May 8th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
@SMK
That maybe the reason I was born.
May 8th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
The sad part is, there’s nothing in that whole conversation that makes me think it couldn’t have happened.
“Joe: Listen Chico, if you don’t fuck my daughter on that show then I’ll do it myself.” I think that ship sailed a long time ago.
May 8th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Well played, UM.
But as an ex-pat southerner, I have to point out that it’s “y’all” and not “ya’ll.”
As in the classic Onion headline.
May 8th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
Looking forward to the next installment when Romo introduces Pete Wentz to Tank Johnson and Pacman Jones on the Hard Knocks set.
May 8th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
@ BigTravATX
Maybe both? She’s fun in bed but otherwise irritating as a whole to be around.
This is why escort services were invented.
May 8th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
Awesome. Maj is on a tear!
May 8th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
@Rob You
That’s not all he’s on…
May 8th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
fucking hilarious, +1,000
May 8th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
You just HAD to make a fumble joke before the end, didn’t you?
[/cries in his room for an hour before returning]
Oh, and like AM, this is how I imagine all of Romo’s conversations go with Jess and Papa Joe.
May 8th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
As much as I hate to give dap to Redskins fans…UM, you get a +1 for that post. This is why I want Jess and Joe to get shot off into space never to be heard from again, kinda like these twits
May 8th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
That was great, but the [fumbles tee] at the end stole the show. Also, shouldn’t there be a picture of Jessica somewhere in the post? I’m just sayin’
May 8th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
[Fumbles Tee]
Right up there with [Door Flies Open]
Can’t wait for the next installment…
You are truly doing the Lord’s work, Maj!
May 8th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
The Gay Mafia has been of fire lately. This post is absolute comedy gold. As was stated earlier, the best part is, it isn’t stretching the bounds of my imagination at all to assume that this is how Romo’s life plays out on a daily basis. Well this, and coming up small in big playoff spots, but he’ll save that for early next year.
May 8th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Silly Otto, southerners don’t believe in grammar.
May 8th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
oh, and thanks to everyone else for their kind words.
May 8th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Silly Otto, southerners don’t believe in grammar.
Excellent point. There’s really so much my people don’t believe in — fancy-pants shoes, book learnin’, elitist scientists, ringworm medication, and such and such.
In truth, we can’t believe in much because we’ve devoted all of our faith to two things: the little baby Jesus and the Confederacy. One of them already rose again, and the other one ain’t far behind!
/Git-R-Dumb
May 8th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Silly Otto, southerners don’t believe in grammar.
Also, I’d like it noted for the record that I avoided the easy Hee-Haw joke here.
“You better believe my grammar! She ain’t lied her whole life!”
“And now … here’s Roy!”
Yes, be thankful I didn’t go there.
May 8th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Honestly, tho, guys….if your daughter looked like Jessica, wouldn’t you nail her?
Hello?
/Went too far
May 8th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
@HHU. Well in some instances (like polygamist colonies and the state West Virginia) you are almost obligated to.
/went way past too far
May 8th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Honestly, tho, guys….if your daughter looked like Jessica, wouldn’t you nail her?
No?
If she were my stepdaughter tho…
May 8th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
PacMan: Well, fuck! If Romo’s not gonna do it in front of the camera and got a restraining order on Papa Joe, I’ll step up!
May 8th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
[fumbles tee] makes it all worth it.
May 8th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
Awesome, Maj … well done.
May 9th, 2008 at 12:27 am
Is it bad that I felt sorry for that douchebag Nick Lachey? Cause when the second season of that god-awful-yet-so-entertaining-show opened with them coming out of Home Depot, and she said … well, it went like this:
Jess: “When we first got married, you would open the car door for me all the time.”
Nick: (under his breath) “When we first got married, I was getting laid.”
Jess: “What?”
Nick: “Nothing.”
I wept a little bit for the man.
No, I am not gay.
May 9th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
When will we see the all-time showdown post where Wade and Jerry’s meeting is interrupted by Marmalard and then joined by Kurt and Kitna while Eli wishes he had a pony?
May 9th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
Oh man. A Marmalard/Jerry Jones/Tony Romo/Hines Wald crossover spectacular!
May 12th, 2008 at 12:24 am
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