Tony and Jess Dine Out
Int. N9ne Steakhouse Dallas, Texas
Tony: So things are all over with that K.I.T.T. guy?
Jess: Yeah, it turns out he was a car. Daddy says that it’s hard enough keeping my suck-u-lent-ly puckered asshole on the A list without being some kind of creepy objectophile.
[cellphone rings]
Tony: You got Romo
Joe: My man Anto-nio! This here’s Papa Joe, just checkin’ to see if you kids have left for dinner.
Tony: [sigh] Yeah Joe, we just walked in the door, is there something you need?
Joe: Aw shit, why’d you leave so early? Don’t you know that big stars like my sweet lil’ honeypot are supposed to show up twenty minutes late for everything? Are the photogs even there yet?
Tony: Why would there be any photographers Joe?
Joe: I might have faxed TMZ a three-page press release announcing your dinner plans.
Tony: And why the hell would you do something like that?
Joe: Because they stopped answering my goddamn phone calls, buncha self-righteous hacks.
Tony: Listen Joe, I’m willing to stuff your daughter’s taco with my chorizo, but you need to back the off, once and for all.
Joe: Alright ‘Tonio, whatever you say goes. I totally comprende, amigo.
[hangs up]
Jess: Say hi to daddy for me!
Tony: I already hung up, [under his breath] dumbfuck.
Obscenely Hot N9ne Hostess: You’re table is all set Mr. Romo, just follow me and feel free to check me out while I switch and walk.
[sits down]
Tony: So, what are you doing next weekend.
OHNH: Probably just sunbathing naked with my obscenely hot friends. So what are you up to, stud?
Tony: Not dating Jessica Simpson, for starters.
Jess: My ears are burning.
Busboy: Miss, please do not lean your head on the candles. They are there for ambiance, not heat.
[Jess sets her hair on fire]
Tony: I’ll get your number on the way out.
[OHNH exits, Busboy extinguishes fire]
Jess: So I don’t get it, what does N-9-N-E mean?
Tony: It’s just a clever way of spelling the number nine. I think the name comes from the age at which the two founders first met.
Jess: I still think N-Nine-Ne is a silly name.
[Joe appears out of the dark as if he's made of it]
Joe: Hi, my name is Papa Joe, and I’ll be your waiter this evening. Might I suggest starting off with a bottle of the Gamba Old Vine Zinfandel and an order of our shrooms?
Jess: Hi Daddy!
Tony: I have to get the fuck out of Texas.
Tags: mmmmm...N9ne, romosexuals, Tony and Jess, Unsilent Majority
May 29th, 2008 at 10:46 am
Better ingredients. Better daughters. Papa Joe’s.
May 29th, 2008 at 11:06 am
This being Texas, home of all doors that fly open, I half expected Papa Joe to come bustin out of the kitchen shouting out “who’s ready to orderrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr?????????”
May 29th, 2008 at 11:14 am
And the door never flew open…
May 29th, 2008 at 11:17 am
this isn’t wade and jerry. the lack of hilarity should have tipped you off.
May 29th, 2008 at 11:17 am
i always knew jess would be the death of romo.
May 29th, 2008 at 11:29 am
Needs more stabbing…
May 29th, 2008 at 11:33 am
I guess “stuff your daughter’s taco with my corizo” is close enough.
May 29th, 2008 at 11:33 am
Mary Reilly tho?
May 29th, 2008 at 11:44 am
I strongly recommend the parmesan crusted lamb chops at N9NE. They’re amazing.
May 29th, 2008 at 11:53 am
I have no doubt that the hostess at N9NE is hotter than Joe’s honeypot. None at all.
May 29th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Tony could stuff any taco in Dallas, no problem. What he needs to do is get his sausage out of the “Chicken of the sea” can. There’s loads of better ass with half the baggage.
N9ne is awesome.
May 29th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Mary Reilly tho?
terrible movie, great line
May 29th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
And somewhere on a dark street in Salt Lake City, Danny White tries to convince a Bulgarian tranny that he wants the star discount because he was once the QB of the Cowboys.
May 29th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
[...] > Tony and Jessica dine out [KSK] [...]
May 29th, 2008 at 5:12 pm
This is pretty funny. Well done… did he get the hostesses number?? Pass it on perhaps?
May 29th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
BDD with the +1.
I cringe every time I read one of these Tony and Jess posts, because you KNOW it is exactly like that for Romo dealing with airhead and her creepy daddy.
And because I know as long as they are together, his mind will be too numb to ever win the big game.
/fackin’ hate that bitch.
May 29th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
Think Romo reads this and feels some relief that out there… somewhere… someone… understands his pain?
May 29th, 2008 at 10:47 pm
Jessica is the new Eva.
May 29th, 2008 at 11:43 pm
post staubach, the cowboys had danny white - he of the perpetual deer-in-the-headlights-freezeframe giving life to his indescribable lack of grace under pressure or ability to accomplish anything that mattered.
then came troy aikman, a fella whose accomplishments cowboy chroniclers are still trying to get their condom-sized heads around.
now there’s romo.
if i were in his position, i would likewise be trying to score all the smokin hot pussy i could get around my chorizo - with or without any type of pharmaceutical assist.
but, after a certain point - and maybe it involves the contraction of a wasting disease immune to modern antibiotics - a fella’s gotta realize that ultimately, as an nfl quarterback, he’s gonna be judged by how many touchdowns he scored - not how much dripping cunt he scored.
/see joe namath.
he of the modest proposal sends.